"Lets just be friends"

[elessar]

This is an old thread that I found, and it is amazing. For anyone trying to make it work with your ex as a friend, or whose ex wants to be "just friends", this is worth a read (depending how far you have healed, it is sadly hilarious or brings back painful memories).

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139516.0

[ScotisGone74]

At the sudden end of the trainwreck with the exBPD when I was struggling to figure out what was happening, after she had moved a guy in with her behind my back and was engaged within weeks, this is what she said ' I am your friend, your best friend, I always will be".      With friends like the exBPD who needs enemies?  .   

The only reason they want to be 'friends' is for themselves only, to see how much more agony from themselves they can unload on us, or to use as another punching bag when the current one starts getting holes in it.  Honestly believing that they wish to be 'friends' for any other reasons than those and you are fooling yourself. 

[talithacumi]

" ... . they will tell you that they can no longer be your friend because it's disrespectful to their new partner."

Hmmmm.

Took every ounce of strength I had NOT to ask where all that concern about respecting your partner was when he decided to lie to/about me in order to have an affair with this woman in the first place ... . or when he basically assaulted me, rammed his tongue down my throat, and told me how much he really still love/was excited by/wanted to f**k me later that same night.

Ah, BPD logic. Really miss the way it can leave you at a total loss for words sometimes. Not.

[KHC_33]

OMG this is twisted. I have always thought that ex's should remain in the past. It is like a lease on a car, once it is up (do you really want to keep it around?) Or do you want to move on to a different car? My partner was friends with ALL of his ex's. Amazing isn't it. In fact he wanted them to stay with us in our house. Wow. uhmm no thank you. Oh and he decided I was very insecure because I didn't think it was healthy boundaries to allow a ex who he has slept with, been with, etc around my children.

I can understand having a child with someone you have to remain contact but you don't have to be all buddy buddy. Seriously!

When my partner and I decided it was over (he still wanted to be friends, involved etc). For the most part I told him we could text, email & Skype but I don't want to see him physically. I think I did this to pacific him to accept sure I am still in his life (not emotionally in any way... trust me). He told me that he has not told anyone of our situation (he is in complete denial that we are separated and its basically over). If God himself struck him down and deem him a changed man, I would have to have my memories completely erased. Just too much damage that has been done. It will take so much for me to get over it. I will get over it, that is one thing I am sure of. I am going to go back to that road of health.

I think sometimes when you remain friends it is too hard to keep the emotional (separation) apart. It is almost impossible to keep it at a healthy limit. I know if he would to come, he would want to be intimate and then of course I would be like ok so I guess he really loves me now? Uhmmm. nope. Feel good for the moment, the one time of feeling close, hearing all the words you want to be said... . its a temporary high. I guess he really means it! Maybe we should get back together? Or maybe I should wait for him?

I told him he needs to respect my boundaries about privacy. distance, no physical contact ... if he cannot then I cannot even be bothered at this point. I am not checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if he misses me, he probably doesn't. I am not looking at his facebook (to see what he is doing) because he is deleted. I don't care. I do care about myself, how I am going to heal, how I am going to put my children back on the road to recovery.

Ex's are ex for a reason. Once you have crossed that line... . there is no going back. It is like hanging in the past for no good reason. Not letting go & still giving yourself a false sense of hope.