I was the replacement for my BPDex.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was the replacement for my BPDex.  I have never read a post from the replacement's perspective, so hope this helps your healing process.

My BPDex was living with her fiancé who she had known for 7 years when she met me at a party.  She immediately was attracted to me, and chose me like they all do.  The next day I get a message on Facebook and the flirting started.  I was baited with her seduction.  

I was not immediately into her because I was a bit taken aback by her boldness to be cheating on her fiancé but I said "I must be special."

When we met for the first time, she gave me the typical BPD sob story about how bad her fiancé treats her, that they have no sex life, that he does too much coke (this was verified-but it was just an excuse as he had been doing coke always) etc etc.  

We met again a few days later, the texting increased and the meetings increased.

The first time we were intimate it was mind blowing.  I wasn't sure why - no special technique or position on her part - but now I know, it was the seductive energy the BPD gives off that makes it so attractive almost on a primal level.

She started saying things like "I look at you as a husband, my life partner" and "nobody has ever treated me so well" and "we have such amazing chemistry" and of course "I love you." This all happened within 1 month. Typical once again.

She could tell I was not 100% into her, that I was just having fun, so the idealization stage continued.

After about 3 months, she noticed that I had in fact fallen in love with her.  That is the first time I noticed the devaluation starting.  The fighting started, slowly at first.

4 months in, I wondered "If this girl truly loves me, why is she staying with this abusive drug addict fiancé?"  I later realized that his business was failing, and that is why she was seeking a replacement.  She ended up leaving him for me after 1 year of cheating on him with me literally when he had no more money to support her.  He was just an object to her for her use.

What I noticed during this 1 year affair was that she showed no signs of remorse for cheating on her fiancé with me.  She would call him while in bed with me just to check in so he would not call HER and ask what she was up to.  :)uring these calls, she would often laugh and joke with him. Disgusting.  I ignored this red flag.

She would tell him she was with her girlfriend and then come and see me for hours.  She changed my name in her phone to a girls name so he would not know it was a guy she was talking to.  The deceptions were numerous and professional.  She had probably done this before many times, but denied having EVER cheated on another boyfriend. In fact she said all her exes had cheated on her.  I suspect now that it was she who cheated on her exes.

When I first met her, she told me her fiancé was so paranoid that he was tracking her on GPS and had spyware on her laptop.  Looking back I realize it was probably because she cheated on him and he had caught her, not because he was merely "paranoid" for no reason.

She left him for me after a year, only after I gave her a deadline.  I thought she left because she loved me.  I was wrong.  In fact, when she went to him to say it was over, she texted me "I told him it's over.  Now I am your responsibility."  It was never "I love you."  I was another object.

Now that she was with me, her mood swings were more obvious.  She treated me poorly. Once she said "I am sorry for being such a bhit."  The abuse was the same as what you hear on this forum.  The distancing increased.  The closer I got, the more she hated me.  She denied ever cheating on me, but I could NEVER trust her.  Our relationship had no trust, no foundation.  She knew I loved her more than she was ever loved.  This disturbed her.

We broke up so many times.  Never more than a week.  But this last time was final, about 6 weeks ago.  Radio silence since then.

What a sad story.  Her friends were so happy for her for leaving her ex for me. They thought she deserved so much better.  And she got me.  But now she lost me.  She once said "I sometimes think I will have to lose you to realize that you are all I ever wanted."  Well you lost me now, but to come to that realization means you have to be capable of realizing your self, and the BPD has no self.

[hopealways]

I was the replacement for my BPDex.  I have never read a post from the replacement's perspective, so hope this helps your healing process.

My BPDex was living with her fiancé who she had known for 7 years when she met me at a party.  She immediately was attracted to me, and chose me like they all do.  The next day I get a message on Facebook and the flirting started.  I was baited with her seduction.  

I was not immediately into her because I was a bit taken aback by her boldness to be cheating on her fiancé but I said "I must be special."

When we met for the first time, she gave me the typical BPD sob story about how bad her fiancé treats her, that they have no sex life, that he does too much coke (this was verified-but it was just an excuse as he had been doing coke always) etc etc.  

We met again a few days later, the texting increased and the meetings increased.

The first time we were intimate it was mind blowing.  I wasn't sure why - no special technique or position on her part - but now I know, it was the seductive energy the BPD gives off that makes it so attractive almost on a primal level.

She started saying things like "I look at you as a husband, my life partner" and "nobody has ever treated me so well" and "we have such amazing chemistry" and of course "I love you." This all happened within 1 month. Typical once again.

She could tell I was not 100% into her, that I was just having fun, so the idealization stage continued.

After about 3 months, she noticed that I had in fact fallen in love with her.  That is the first time I noticed the devaluation starting.  The fighting started, slowly at first.

4 months in, I wondered "If this girl truly loves me, why is she staying with this abusive drug addict fiancé?"  I later realized that his business was failing, and that is why she was seeking a replacement.  She ended up leaving him for me after 1 year of cheating on him with me literally when he had no more money to support her.  He was just an object to her for her use.

What I noticed during this 1 year affair was that she showed no signs of remorse for cheating on her fiancé with me.  She would call him while in bed with me just to check in so he would not call HER and ask what she was up to.  :)uring these calls, she would often laugh and joke with him. Disgusting.  I ignored this red flag.

She would tell him she was with her girlfriend and then come and see me for hours.  She changed my name in her phone to a girls name so he would not know it was a guy she was talking to.  The deceptions were numerous and professional.  She had probably done this before many times, but denied having EVER cheated on another boyfriend. In fact she said all her exes had cheated on her.  I suspect now that it was she who cheated on her exes.

When I first met her, she told me her fiancé was so paranoid that he was tracking her on GPS and had spyware on her laptop.  Looking back I realize it was probably because she cheated on him and he had caught her, not because he was merely "paranoid" for no reason.

She left him for me after a year, only after I gave her a deadline.  I thought she left because she loved me.  I was wrong.  In fact, when she went to him to say it was over, she texted me "I told him it's over.  Now I am your responsibility."  It was never "I love you."  I was another object.

Now that she was with me, her mood swings were more obvious.  She treated me poorly. Once she said "I am sorry for being such a bhit."  The abuse was the same as what you hear on this forum.  The distancing increased.  The closer I got, the more she hated me.  She denied ever cheating on me, but I could NEVER trust her.  Our relationship had no trust, no foundation.  She knew I loved her more than she was ever loved.  This disturbed her.

We broke up so many times.  Never more than a week.  But this last time was final, about 6 weeks ago.  Radio silence since then.

What a sad story.  Her friends were so happy for her for leaving her ex for me. They thought she deserved so much better.  And she got me.  But now she lost me.  She once said "I sometimes think I will have to lose you to realize that you are all I ever wanted."  Well you lost me now, but to come to that realization means you have to be capable of realizing your self, and the BPD has no self.

[Hazelrah]

Thanks for sharing, hope.  It is a safe bet that we can all have considered ourselves replacements for our BPDs at the start of our respective relationships.

[hopealways]

Very true Hazelrah, very true.  Let's look to the future though, now we know these people exist and we can avoid them and instead attract healthy people into our lives.

[DragoN]

It is a safe bet that we can all have considered ourselves replacements for our BPDs at the start of our respective relationships.

Found out much later, that was exactly the case.

[maxen]

thank you hopealways. very illuminating.

that they have no sex life

... .

"... .Now I am your responsibility."

very, very illuminating.

[Ironmanrises]

Hope... .

Your story... .

Brought tears to my eyes.

See... .

Even though... .

You admitted... .

To being the replacement... .

You still... .

Through your kindness... .

And sense of self... .

Shared that... .

With us... .

To show... .

Your remorse... .

Which is genuine... .

And lasting.

I was the replacement for my BPDex.  I have never read a post from the replacement's perspective, so hope this helps your healing process.

My BPDex was living with her fiancé who she had known for 7 years when she met me at a party.  She immediately was attracted to me, and chose me like they all do.  The next day I get a message on Facebook and the flirting started.  I was baited with her seduction.  

I was not immediately into her because I was a bit taken aback by her boldness to be cheating on her fiancé but I said "I must be special."

When we met for the first time, she gave me the typical BPD sob story about how bad her fiancé treats her, that they have no sex life, that he does too much coke (this was verified-but it was just an excuse as he had been doing coke always) etc etc.  

We met again a few days later, the texting increased and the meetings increased.

The first time we were intimate it was mind blowing.  I wasn't sure why - no special technique or position on her part - but now I know, it was the seductive energy the BPD gives off that makes it so attractive almost on a primal level.

She started saying things like "I look at you as a husband, my life partner" and "nobody has ever treated me so well" and "we have such amazing chemistry" and of course "I love you." This all happened within 1 month. Typical once again.

She could tell I was not 100% into her, that I was just having fun, so the idealization stage continued.

After about 3 months, she noticed that I had in fact fallen in love with her.  That is the first time I noticed the devaluation starting.  The fighting started, slowly at first.

4 months in, I wondered "If this girl truly loves me, why is she staying with this abusive drug addict fiancé?"  I later realized that his business was failing, and that is why she was seeking a replacement.  She ended up leaving him for me after 1 year of cheating on him with me literally when he had no more money to support her.  He was just an object to her for her use.

What I noticed during this 1 year affair was that she showed no signs of remorse for cheating on her fiancé with me.  She would call him while in bed with me just to check in so he would not call HER and ask what she was up to.  :)uring these calls, she would often laugh and joke with him. Disgusting.  I ignored this red flag.

She would tell him she was with her girlfriend and then come and see me for hours.  She changed my name in her phone to a girls name so he would not know it was a guy she was talking to.  The deceptions were numerous and professional.  She had probably done this before many times, but denied having EVER cheated on another boyfriend. In fact she said all her exes had cheated on her.  I suspect now that it was she who cheated on her exes.

When I first met her, she told me her fiancé was so paranoid that he was tracking her on GPS and had spyware on her laptop.  Looking back I realize it was probably because she cheated on him and he had caught her, not because he was merely "paranoid" for no reason.

She left him for me after a year, only after I gave her a deadline.  I thought she left because she loved me.  I was wrong.  In fact, when she went to him to say it was over, she texted me "I told him it's over.  Now I am your responsibility."  It was never "I love you."  I was another object.

Now that she was with me, her mood swings were more obvious.  She treated me poorly. Once she said "I am sorry for being such a bhit."  The abuse was the same as what you hear on this forum.  The distancing increased.  The closer I got, the more she hated me.  She denied ever cheating on me, but I could NEVER trust her.  Our relationship had no trust, no foundation.  She knew I loved her more than she was ever loved.  This disturbed her.

We broke up so many times.  Never more than a week.  But this last time was final, about 6 weeks ago.  Radio silence since then.

What a sad story.  Her friends were so happy for her for leaving her ex for me. They thought she deserved so much better.  And she got me.  But now she lost me.  She once said "I sometimes think I will have to lose you to realize that you are all I ever wanted."  Well you lost me now, but to come to that realization means you have to be capable of realizing your self, and the BPD has no self.

In bold.

Your ex... .

Twisted the story... .

To make it appear... .

That she was the victim... .

Her fiancé the villain... .

And you the rescuer.

And they brought into... .

That story... .

Exactly... .

How she wanted to make it... .

Appear to be.

All part of the facade.

Cruel...

And sad.

She did lose you.

She lost her fiancé too.

Every person... .

Who got... .

Close to her.

Annihilated... .

By her disorder.

Hang in there Hope.

Thank you for sharing that.

[nevaeh]

Very insightful post.

I am the wife of an uBPDh.  Married 18 years.  At year 10 H was deployed to Iraq and during his deployment he had an intense 9-month physical and emotional affair with his commanding officer (he was a major then, she was a Lt Col).  H had to attend a 6-week training state-side a couple of months before he deployed and I started seeing some red flags... .H telling me that his CO was attractive, he talked about her family (it was obvious they were spending a lot of time together, talking), and he told me about the stuff they did together (like visiting tourist attractions, etc, in their free time).  Because of H's past cyber affair activities, these bits of information raised my suspicions but at the same time I rationalized it with the fact that he wouldn't be telling me these things if there was anything "going on".  I wrote it off as a "good" sign that he was being open and honest with me.

During H's 2-week stint at home before he deployed overseas, we had a HUGE fight about her because he kept talking about her and I told him I was concerned about what would happen when they got overseas - it was annoying that he kept talking about her... .like he couldn't help it, he was just thinking about her and talking about her way too much.   So he lost it... .got really mad that I would "question" his integrity.  INevertheless, I was a little on edge about how this deployment would go.

He left at the end of August and he was an emotional wreck when he left.  He called me from Italy and was literally crying he was so upset.  Also he had lost his wedding ring somewhere between home and Italy so he was really upset about that.  I think all of that emotion was very real.  He was truly alone and in retrospect I realize that for a pwBPD that is not a good thing.

We were only able to talk on Sundays due to the time difference so we talked once a week.  I would occasionally get emails and/or pictures from him as well.  He started sending pictures of his unit's endeavors off of the air base (local historical places, etc) and I noticed that she was in a lot of the pictures (which on some level made sense since she was the CO).  But also during our limited phone calls he talked about her a lot... .in fact, way too much.  I started suspecting something was going on about mid-September.  He was telling me how they always ate dinner together, they worked out every day together, talked about her family and her "issues" with her husband.  

On our 10th anniversary (couple of months after he deployed), H of course sent me flowers.  But, ironically, the other woman and her H shared the same anniversary (I know, weird).  He called me on our anniversary and proceeded to tell me how he had "sent" her flowers from her husband since her husband couldn't send her flowers from the states, and how they were going out to dinner (on the air base) to "celebrate" our anniversaries.  It was just off, weird, and I knew something was up.

A couple of weeks before H came home he sent me an email with his tentative flight arrangements and the e-mail was off... .he had actually forwarded an email she had sent him where she gave her flight arrangements and then also his (there were about 15 others in their unit).  They "had to" stay in Boston overnight due to flight times.  After he actually got home I realized that they had stayed at a hotel in Boston to spend their last night together before they both had to return to their families.

H didn't seem happy to be home when we met him at the airport.  You know those happy welcome home soldier videos we all cry during?  Well, we didn't have that.  He seemed less-than-thrilled to be home.  It was weird.  Then he just kept telling me that he missed her (like you miss a best friend), and he was calling her and talking to her (when I wasn't around).  I got really suspicious so I installed a key logger on our laptop and got the password to his email and found all of their emails back and forth.  Expressing their love for each other, some nasty pictures, plans for leaving their spouses so they could be together, etc.  Up to that point he had been more than aloof about me/us but when I confronted him with my evidence he FREAKED... .crying, begging me not to leave, telling me he loved ME more than anything, saying he didn't really love her, promising that he would be better, etc.

I actually called her the next day and told her that I knew what was going on and that I was contemplating telling her H (I told H that as well) and the tides quickly turned... .H was mad at me for threatening to out her to her husband.  After he collected himself he started confiding in me that he loved "both of us" and that she was my "replacement" for him while he was gone.  He "needed" that companion while he was gone so he thought maybe that's why he pursued a relationship with her.  He didn't understand why I was mad when he told me that once I "got over" the affair that we and her/her husband could all be friends, vacation together, etc.  It was legitimately crazy talk!

I had several phone conversations with her.  I wanted to hear her perspective and she said almost from the moment they got to Iraq he pursued her (and I believe this actually happened).  He constantly told her how attractive she was and was basically just intense and centered on her until she finally "gave in" to it after about 2-3 weeks.  She is about 7-8 years older than him and she admitted that it was flattering to have the attention of a younger, attractive man and they were away from home so they rationalized that it really wouldn't hurt anyone (meaning the spouses).  She said he was telling her he loved her very shortly after they started having sex.  She said the sex was intense and that he was "very attentive" to her needs, blah blah blah.  She basically said it was a very intense relationship from the beginning and highly emotionally charged.  However, she said she also started seeing his temper and witnessed him raging a couple of times while they were there so she thought there were some anger issues there, although none of that was directed at her because she was being idolized at the time.  She actually asked me if he had ever abused me and if I felt I was safe with him.  She also told me that never told her that he didn't love me... .quite the opposite, he always said he loved me and that he wouldn't leave me (but I'm sure he shared many negative things about me as well).  After reading about BPD a couple of years later, a light bulb went off both from MY relationship with my H, but also because of how she told me their relationship developed.

So, while I wasn't the replacement, I was replaced for about a year, and I took the unique opportunity to talk to the woman who replaced me and got her perspective as to how the relationship developed.  In some ways it defused my anger towards her, and although I was angry at him, I kind of rationalized that "he couldn't help himself", that emotionally he just needed to have someone there.

[peterparker]

It is a safe bet that we can all have considered ourselves replacements for our BPDs at the start of our respective relationships.

I experienced almost exactly the same thing, but my BPDex was married at the time. Couldn't meet her needs, no sex life, couldn't talk openly, the same deal.

A few months after they divorced, I couldn't take the shame at what I'd done to this man, so I apologized to him for my role and told him how horrible I felt about my decisions. I did not blame her, and took full responsibility for my own actions. I know he was in T and now so am I.

The way her marriage ended, seducing me. The way our relationship ended, seducing my replacement. It all seems like a carbon copy. She even said some similar things about her new bf that were verbatim how she described me to her exH. So eerie.

@javamom is right. I get the sense that due to lack of core self, they just need a 'person', it doesn't matter who. My uBPDexgf didn't seem to see herself as capable of making decisions and implementing them of her own accord. We were having a good run, then she asked me to move to a new city so she could complete an internship. I had just started a new job, so I said I couldn't right now. Enter my replacement. She will be leaving town in a month.

I wonder, how weird would it be to contact the current replacement when things go south to offer support and resources? Being lost and confused without any explanation was the hardest part of this experience for me.

[asher2]

hopealways... .I can relate to your story. One of the toughest things I had to accept about my ex was that I, along with everyone before (and probably after me) was an object. Sure, there may have been some love mixed in, but with her disorder, I was more of an object that gave her attention and fulfilled emotional needs for her more than anything. In my situation, as soon as she perceived that I wasn't going to give that to her, she moved on to the next person.

In a sense, I think we are all replacements. It's a cycle with BPD. I knew about her long-term relationship before me that ended with her supposedly about to marry the guy (which I don't believe now and I'm sure she was 100% responsible for). Of course, I was the wonderful savior that came along and made everything better. The ironic part about the guy she left me for was that she was somewhat seeing him before I came along. I remember asking her about him and she told me that she wasn't even really attracted to him but that she "knew that he would have taken care of her." I remember thinking that was horrible... .that she was going to stay in a relationship where she wasn't even attracted to the guy (he's even a different nationality which isn't like her at all) and asked if she thought she deserved better than that. She said "no." Should have been red flag #1.

So yeah, after going to great lengths to potentially plan a wedding with her, telling each other that we loved each other and wanted to have kids and live happily ever after, she dropped me for a guy she is even really interested in. I was an object and the new guy for sure is an object (he has a lot of money... .I'm convinced that is 100% what the relationship is about for her). It kind of makes me sick.

But do you know the best part of it all? I'm no longer mixed up in her deceitful world. I'm free and working on me and getting better.

[asher2]

It all seems like a carbon copy. She even said some similar things about her new bf that were verbatim how she described me to her exH. So eerie.

This happened to me. It was eerie and very hurtful. I later found out that she used, verbatim, the language and same situations/events with the new guy. Again, goes to my point of us being objects. Anyone will do. It hurts, doesn't it?

It is a safe bet that we can all have considered ourselves replacements for our BPDs at the start of our respective relationships.

I experienced almost exactly the same thing, but my BPDex was married at the time. Couldn't meet her needs, no sex life, couldn't talk openly, the same deal.

A few months after they divorced, I couldn't take the shame at what I'd done to this man, so I apologized to him for my role and told him how horrible I felt about my decisions. I did not blame her, and took full responsibility for my own actions. I know he was in T and now so am I.

The way her marriage ended, seducing me. The way our relationship ended, seducing my replacement. It all seems like a carbon copy. She even said some similar things about her new bf that were verbatim how she described me to her exH. So eerie.

@javamom is right. I get the sense that due to lack of core self, they just need a 'person', it doesn't matter who. My uBPDexgf didn't seem to see herself as capable of making decisions and implementing them of her own accord. We were having a good run, then she asked me to move to a new city so she could complete an internship. I had just started a new job, so I said I couldn't right now. Enter my replacement. She will be leaving town in a month.

I wonder, how weird would it be to contact the current replacement when things go south to offer support and resources? Being lost and confused without any explanation was the hardest part of this experience for me.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Hopealways, I can feel the pain in your words. I of course recognize it because my story is not different just different person different detail. Same abuse and outcome.

I concur with everyone else. We were all replacements we just didn't know it and were led to believe we were the one and the most special. What everyone wants. The idealization phase is soo powerful. It's like heroin! They have a way of making us feel we are the most amazing people and so loved until of course we aren't and they dont. We just want to get back to the idealization so badly but we have to except that it was all a mirage.

I'm sorry for your loss. These relationships are like grieving a death except what we wanted is off with someone else. Someday hopefully soon we will be nothing but grateful they are gone.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Hopealways, oh and she lied to you and made the situation seem different than it was. She made you think he was a bad person. You will recognize the red flags in the future. We all will.

[Learning_curve74]

What I noticed during this 1 year affair was that she showed no signs of remorse for cheating on her fiancé with me.  She would call him while in bed with me just to check in so he would not call HER and ask what she was up to.  During these calls, she would often laugh and joke with him. Disgusting.  I ignored this red flag.

She would tell him she was with her girlfriend and then come and see me for hours.  She changed my name in her phone to a girls name so he would not know it was a guy she was talking to.  The deceptions were numerous and professional.  She had probably done this before many times, but denied having EVER cheated on another boyfriend. In fact she said all her exes had cheated on her.  I suspect now that it was she who cheated on her exes.

Yes, I experienced some of the same things as hopealways. My exgf was always devious and stringing along her exbf, heck he might even be one of the guys on the board for all I know! She always said her ex cheated on her, but the reality is that she was the one cheating on him.

I later found out that she used, verbatim, the language and same situations/events with the new guy. Again, goes to my point of us being objects. Anyone will do. It hurts, doesn't it?

I'm not sure that "anyone" will do... .maybe "anyone who will put up with them" is more accurate. There are many people will not get involved with cheaters, liars, and other types of crazy people. Some of us knew better and ignored the red flags.

[hopealways]

"She did lose you.

She lost her fiancé too.

Every person... .

Who got... .

Close to her.

Annihilated... .

By her disorder."

Yes, every person. Thinking back I now remember all her exes she mentioned. NEVER a happy ending, NEVER a mutual breakup, always TUMULTUOUS.  Always a scandal.  This disorder is way more common that people think. I wish there was medication for it, because the destruction extends to more than themselves.

[Lady31]

hopealways - thanks for sharing this.  It's a trip.  I keep thinking about what you said about her calling him while in bed with you. 

Even after I have seen my exh do some crazy things - I STILL have to work hard to remember who he REALLY is.  It's like - so far out there you just can't believe someone could lie to your face, someone you have known for years.

javamom - the line you wrote about your h blowing up because you "questioned his integrity" - I got this OFTEN.  I would notice weird things not adding up, etc.  When I would ask about them he would go into rage and on and on about his integrity.  All the while to find out later he was lying to my face.

Well - he isn't lying to it anymore!

[Ironmanrises]

"She did lose you.

She lost her fiancé too.

Every person... .

Who got... .

Close to her.

Annihilated... .

By her disorder."

Yes, every person. Thinking back I now remember all her exes she mentioned. NEVER a happy ending, NEVER a mutual breakup, always TUMULTUOUS.  Always a scandal.  This disorder is way more common that people think. I wish there was medication for it, because the destruction extends to more than themselves.

In bold/underlined.

It was the same... .

With my exUBPDgf... .

In regards to how... .

Her relationships ended.

Her 2 kids father... .

For example... .

(He was shot to death a year before... .

I became friends with her)... .

Was a long relationship for her.

He physically hit her... .

Cheated on her... .

Didnt support his own 2 kids after she gave birth.

She told me... .

So many horrific stories about him... .

When i was just friends with her.

Fast forward... .

To round 2 devaluation.

I am out with her... .

At this fancy seafood place in Boston.

Trying to show her a good time... .

And as we were eating... .

She starts telling me... .

In reference to him... .

"Oh... .

He did all those things to me... .

(The bad things)... .

But he would have been a good father... .

I will always love him... .

In my heart... ."

She was telling me that... .

While i was with her... .

And i just looked at her... .

And was like... .

"What did you say... .?"

"This man hit you... .

Cheated on you... .

Treated you like garbage... .

And didnt even support the 2 sons... .

He had with you... ."

":)o you not hear what you are saying... ."

Her response:

":)ont be so insecure Ironmanfalls... .

Why are you so insecure... .?

He wasnt so insecure... .

Like you... ."

After all i had been doing... .

Traveling to go see her... .

Helping her with her 2 sons... .

For her to tell me that.

Clearly something was really f¥cking wrong.

I wanted to disappear that day.

Literally.

I remember her face... .

As she was telling me that.

It was a matter of fact... .

Kind of look.

Awful... .

Beyond words.

That was what... .

I allowed... .

To reenter... .

My life.

That.

No more.

My best interests... .

Come first now.

[Century2012]

Interesting thread.

My replacement literally walked in the door as I was walking out. (He had gone out drinking, and she gave him a ride home.) She "hung out" with us for about an hour.

I always wondered how she could feel comfortable with the start of her relationship with him ... .he was shouting how much he loved me in front of her. Then I said 'goodbye" a half an hour later because he was drunk and stoned ... .again.

And I heard all the crap he said about me. And that paranoid I must be stalking him stuff. I could go on and on. But the point is I don't know how I feel about the replacement. She fell for the same fairie dust I fell for. And now I hear he is cheating on the her. After being married all of 4 weeks. (They married after only 4 months of being together.)

No offense hopealways, but I do question replacements "believing" all their effusive declarations so soon after meeting and so soon after leaving the one before. I don't want to create an ouch for you. Sorry if I did. I guess I am just reflecting on my ouch.

I think we just need to process it as something to learn from, albeit a painful.

I hope you feel better soon.

[hopealways]

Ironmanfalls, they do lie about their exes: I don't think they were all that bad as they claim. They just make up stories to make themselves feel like victims to rouse our hero complexes so we save them and feel special.

But another thing, and I hope it doesn't sound too morbid: but my BPD ex said one of her exes died also. A tragic death - but the more I read about these BPD's the more I hear about someone dying in their past. I sometimes wonder if the BPD drove them to their death.  Quite possible because it is all too coincidental.  And of course if the BPD drove them to it, they certainly would not admit to it right?

The more I think back the more I realize that was a whole lot of drama for nothing.  And again, if you (and I) loved yourself you would have left right then and there when she called you insecure and talked like that to you.  But we were afraid of the aftermath of leaving: dealing with ourselves.  This process has allowed me to start for once not being afraid of myself, not being afraid of being alone.  Only then will we attract the right people in our lives instead of these predators.

[Ironmanrises]

Hope... .

You are right... .

We were afraid of the aftermath of leaving.

My lack of self love... .

Guaranteed... .

That.

Guaranteed... .

That I stand there... .

And let that person... .

Treat me... .

In such a manner... .

And to... .

Speak to me... .

In such a manner.