Do You Think Your pwBPD Cheated b/c of the BPD or ?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

i see so many people here on the Detaching Board in pain b/c their BPD cheated... . and also a lot of people chalking up the cheating to the BPD... . so i thought i'd look up some stats. 

BPD is estimated 1% of the general population while about 50%+ of men and women say they have cheated  and 68/74% say they would if they knew they wouldn't get caught! 

so it's safe to say from these stats that a way higher percentage of Nons are cheating than are pwBPD.   maybe these stats can help us let go of some of the toxic venom.  and do some inward reflection.  (50% of us, anyways  )

Infidelity Statistics   

Statistic Verification

Source: Associated Press, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy

Research Date: 1.1.2014

Marriage Infidelity Statistics    Data

Percent of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional    41 %

Percent of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had    57 %

Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had    54 %

Percent of married men who have strayed at least once during their married lives    22 %

Percent of married women who have strayed at least once during their married lives    14 %

Percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker    36 %

Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips    35%

Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law    17 %

Average length of an affair    2 years

Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered    31 %

Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught    74 %

Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught    68 %

Percent of children who are the product of infidelity    3 %

www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/

[ucmeicu2]

i see so many people here on the Detaching Board in pain b/c their BPD cheated... . and also a lot of people chalking up the cheating to the BPD... . so i thought i'd look up some stats. 

BPD is estimated 1% of the general population while about 50%+ of men and women say they have cheated  and 68/74% say they would if they knew they wouldn't get caught! 

so it's safe to say from these stats that a way higher percentage of Nons are cheating than are pwBPD.   maybe these stats can help us let go of some of the toxic venom.  and do some inward reflection.  (50% of us, anyways  )

Infidelity Statistics   

Statistic Verification

Source: Associated Press, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy

Research Date: 1.1.2014

Marriage Infidelity Statistics    Data

Percent of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional    41 %

Percent of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had    57 %

Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had    54 %

Percent of married men who have strayed at least once during their married lives    22 %

Percent of married women who have strayed at least once during their married lives    14 %

Percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker    36 %

Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips    35%

Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law    17 %

Average length of an affair    2 years

Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered    31 %

Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught    74 %

Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught    68 %

Percent of children who are the product of infidelity    3 %

www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/

[Octoberfest]

Personally, I don't think "Everyone is doing it" is a good or valid reason to do something.  Whether the person in question has BPD or not, cheating is wrong.  It is a violation of trust and the love that two people share.  My BPDex and I were together for 9 months- there was not more than 2-3 weeks when she was not dating or involved with someone else (at one point 2 other people) at the same time as she was me.  And each time I found out about it, she would end it, promise to have seen the light, and then use the lessons she learned the last time she got caught to go and do it all again with someone new.

Having BPD does not automatically mean that you are going to go and cheat or be a serial cheater.  But I would bet money the probability that you are/will is a lot higher than if you did not. 

Also realize BPD is not the only mental disorder out there.  Not saying you have to have a diagnosable mental illness to go and cheat, but BPD is not a end-all catch-all to blame things on.

There is a tricky distinction to be had in reference to the "chalking up the cheating to BPD" idea.  For the longest time I believe and told others that "Yeah, she(my BPDex) and I do great together except for when the BPD gets in the way".  It is kind of a chicken or the egg type of thing- which came first? Our Exes or BPD?  The truth is of course that our Exes did not "catch" BPD.  It is not as though they picked up some illness in their travels that makes them do these hurtful things.  They are diagnosed BPD because they fit at least 5 of the 9 criteria for diagnosis.  There are 250+ different permutations that BPD can take.  The diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder was created to describe and put a label to certain patterns of behavior.  It is not something like the flu that, once you take medicine for, disappears taking the symptoms with it. BPD is WHO OUR EXES ARE.  I think that is a painful though for many people, including myself at a time, because when "big bad BPD" is a separate entity we are able to absolve our lovers from their hurtful actions.  In truth we are only hurting ourselves by doing this- so long as we continue to stick our hand in the fire by being with our pwBPD, we will continue to get burned.  Their BPD is not going to resolve itself anytime soon, if ever.

[Tolou]

you can contribute cheating to so many factors to blame it on personality disorder?  Either way, it s wrong to do, I always told myself if it time to cheat, it time to go. That goes for myself, or the person I am with.  It is something that I feel is a huge betrayal, so much trust is lost from that, that personally I find it difficult to look at that person in the same light without being sure of their true intentions moving forward.  Once trust is lost for me, it has hard to gain back, especially with cheating.  My exBPD, from what I know, never cheated, we togeather for a brief period, and when I left her she completely broke down for almost a year until she was able to return to work.  However, I think regardless, when people cheat, BPD or not... . It is because there is something missing within their current reatlionship, they have to look elsewhere to find.  We can think that were doing all the right things and the best person ever, however when they look elsewhere, for whatever comfort or pleasure their seeking, it is because something is missing... . it could be with us, or within themselves.

[ctrlaltdel]

a lot of people chalking up the cheating to the BPD... .

To test if cheating and BPD are correlated you'll also need data on who has BPD. To me, what is important to see, is the way my ex was cheating, how she justified it and used it as a tool to undermine our relationship. I think the impact of cheating can be extremely bad when BPD is part of the equation. Yes, because of all the issues on both sides... .

[strikeforce]

Going a little OT I would say the fact there is a lot of cheating is because people today settle for the first thing to come along.

I have learned the hard way, best to be choosy

[redbaron5]

What an interesting question. I know that with my experience with my UBPDexgf I would say yes the cheating was a function of her disorder. I had all the red flags infront of me telling me how little self esteem my BPDex had. "Every guy I've ever loved as abondoned me"  "I'm not good enough for you" "I don't deserve you"  ect ect... .    She was almost a shell of a human when it came to her self esteem, as she portrayed it to me.  I, like so many fools here thought if I showed her true, unconditional love, could "fix" her. Lets get one thing straight, people cheat, personality disorder or not.  I have never cheated on a romantic partner but I did break the trust of a business associate of mine. When I did, I did everything I could to make things right, I gave him extra monetary compensation, I told him how I messed up and how I went about fixing it, in short, I was regretful, and I went out of my way to gain his trust back.  I think the thing that makes BPD cheating so amazing, is how it generally goes down. It usually involves a staggering amount of lies, upon lies, upon lies. The length they will go to deflect, project, blame, lie, ect ect is astounding.  I know my BPD fiance was bragging about a guy she cheated with to my future sister in law, ballsy.  She also allowed me to purchase an EDC(concert) ticket for one of her guy friends, he flew into vegas with her and two of her girlfriends, and she immediately put him in my car and went in another car with her girlfriends. Well the guy she put in the car with me ALONE had slept with her probably a dozen times, she had lied to him about me up and down and said we had an open relationship, or what a horrible fiance I was, or some crap.  That guy ended up coming clean to me after he got to know the real me over the next couple of days. The pathology is truly amazing. I think in the case of my BPDex everyone around her was simply an object. Sure I was a "closer" object because we got engaged, or I filed her daddy role for a while or whatever. The bottom line is they are going to sleep with the objects around them to fill their void. It's not "I'm going to sleep with so and so because I don't love redbaron5, or I want to fool him"      It's "Omg, I am lonely, empty, and having an anxiety attack, what random dick can I use to fill my void tonight, if redbaron5 isn't around"  That's why when I found out about everything I didn't take it personally, because its not. For them, its just survival.  We just happened to fall in love with half a person. I put my trust in a damaged loser, and that happens.

I view it the same as substance abuse and BPD, like cheating, they are not absolutes. But the nature of BPD (The loneliness, emptiness, lack of self, brokenness) Are going to greatly increase the chance of the BPD turning to drugs, alcohol, or random Penises/Vaginas to sooth their inner turmoil.  Remember, it has nothing to do with you, period. I was a good looking, successful, trustworthy, loyal business owner, and some of the guys my BPDex slept with behind my back make me shake my head.

[Mutt]

Yes I believe mine cheated and left for replacement due to inadvertently triggering her abandonment fears. I know exactly what instance triggered her this last time, but sooner or later she would of groomed a replacement, relationship overlapping,  and blamed me for the fact that she can't cope, hide the fact that what she did was cheating infidelity.

[fromheeltoheal]

Humans are mildly polygamous by nature and marriage is a relatively new concept in human evolution, only a few thousand years old.  Accordingly it goes against our nature to be monogamous for life, some people don't care, some people succumb to their nature.

For me the fact that my borderline ex cheated was actually easier to stomach than partners who had real emotional or physical affairs with other people, or left me for someone else.  My borderline could go into Starbucks, chat up some dude, and 15 minutes later have his dick in her mouth in the parking lot.  She might as well have been shooting heroin, since to her it was exactly the same thing, a temporary diversion from her lifetime hell.  God knows I tried to fix it, until it became clear it wasn't fixable.  It did help to know that all her trysts didn't fix it either.