Learning to deal with my stuff

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have found that it is so easy to fall into the comfortable place that I don't own much blame in what happened.

I don't mean that I didn't contribute to the resulting mess of my relationship, but deep down, I question whether this would have happened no matter how I chose to play the game due to BPD/Nxh's personality disorders.

4.5 years after the final push/pull, I can reflect on my own stuff more.

In particular, I feel a great need to justify everything that I do.

I bought a pair of shoes because I have painful feet and other shoes aren't supportive and I'd been wearing my heels all day and my feet were sore so I called into the pharmacy on the way home and bought the orthopedic shoes because I was going on to another function and I couldn't fathom being in those shoes for another 3 hours. Why can't I just buy something because I liked them?

When I send emails to BPD/Nxh, I have to delete the first two drafts at least.

Example: I know that you are finding it hard to see the kids on Wednesday afternoons now that you have your new job and I have an idea. It's the school holidays so I don't mind if the kids stay up later, so instead of starting your time with the kids at 3:30pm, how about you start at 5pm instead?

What I revised it to: Given that it's school holidays, would you consider seeing the kids from 5pm until 8:30pm next Wednesday?

He said yes. Then he asked to add it on to Saturday's visit. I wanted to say no, I am having a working bee at my house and the kids will want to stay and help and play with their cousins and it will be easier to start at 4pm as per the orders etc.

What I revised it to: We've got plans this Saturday. What about a 5:30pm or 6pm start and end at 9pm?

He agreed to 5:30pm.

Sometimes my overthinking and urge to justify things isn't helpful for anyone.

I need to remember that I don't need to give BPD/Nxh a reason. It is ok to state the facts of the matter and let him feel and react how he chooses to feel and react. I am learning slowly.

I don't react to his drama as much and I certainly react in private to my friends and family. In fact, I don't let him see my reactions at all.

He emailed me to say he will be taking me back to court and I said nothing. I chose not to react to his threat. I will respond when I'm legally obliged to. Until then, I choose to ignore his attempts to engage with me.

[Forward2free]

I have found that it is so easy to fall into the comfortable place that I don't own much blame in what happened.

I don't mean that I didn't contribute to the resulting mess of my relationship, but deep down, I question whether this would have happened no matter how I chose to play the game due to BPD/Nxh's personality disorders.

4.5 years after the final push/pull, I can reflect on my own stuff more.

In particular, I feel a great need to justify everything that I do.

I bought a pair of shoes because I have painful feet and other shoes aren't supportive and I'd been wearing my heels all day and my feet were sore so I called into the pharmacy on the way home and bought the orthopedic shoes because I was going on to another function and I couldn't fathom being in those shoes for another 3 hours. Why can't I just buy something because I liked them?

When I send emails to BPD/Nxh, I have to delete the first two drafts at least.

Example: I know that you are finding it hard to see the kids on Wednesday afternoons now that you have your new job and I have an idea. It's the school holidays so I don't mind if the kids stay up later, so instead of starting your time with the kids at 3:30pm, how about you start at 5pm instead?

What I revised it to: Given that it's school holidays, would you consider seeing the kids from 5pm until 8:30pm next Wednesday?

He said yes. Then he asked to add it on to Saturday's visit. I wanted to say no, I am having a working bee at my house and the kids will want to stay and help and play with their cousins and it will be easier to start at 4pm as per the orders etc.

What I revised it to: We've got plans this Saturday. What about a 5:30pm or 6pm start and end at 9pm?

He agreed to 5:30pm.

Sometimes my overthinking and urge to justify things isn't helpful for anyone.

I need to remember that I don't need to give BPD/Nxh a reason. It is ok to state the facts of the matter and let him feel and react how he chooses to feel and react. I am learning slowly.

I don't react to his drama as much and I certainly react in private to my friends and family. In fact, I don't let him see my reactions at all.

He emailed me to say he will be taking me back to court and I said nothing. I chose not to react to his threat. I will respond when I'm legally obliged to. Until then, I choose to ignore his attempts to engage with me.

[Mutt]

4.5 years after the final push/pull, I can reflect on my own stuff more.

In particular, I feel a great need to justify everything that I do.

Sometimes my overthinking and urge to justify things isn't helpful for anyone.

I can understand Forward2free. I still struggle with this. I sometimes feel like I'm still communicating with the person that I was in the r/s with, it's like a broken record, I defend my position or justify. I get frustrated and I'm spinning my wheels.

It's difficult, the key is getting to indifference and to eventually become depersonalized to BPD/Nxh.

The best way that I have been able to communicate is by using Bill Eddy's BIFF. Brief. Informative. Friendly. Firm. It's the only that works with my ex.

Topic: B.I.F.F. Technique for Email Communications

BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Hostile Emails, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns

We live in an age of rapid change and instant communication. We also live in a Culture of Blame and Disrespect in which emails, social media posts, and personal attacks are on the increase. We must learn to respond to people who communicate this way -- people with high-conflict personalities. A BIFF response can be applied in any communication anywhere - on the Internet, in a letter or in person. It can be used at work, earning you respect and success. It can help you get along with difficult family members, friends, neighbors and others anywhere in your life. BIFF was designed to protect you and your reputation by responding quickly and civilly to people who treat you rudely - while being reasonable in return. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. A BIFF response is easy to remember, but hard to do. It takes practice! This little book gives over 20 examples of BIFF responses for all areas of life - plus additional tips to help you deal with high-conflict people anywhere.

www.amazon.com/BIFF-Responses-Conflict-Personal-Meltdowns/dp/1936268353

[Forward2free]

Thanks Mutt - that's a great acronym to lock in and I'll do some more reading too.

"Spinning my wheels" is an excellent way to put it and you're right to point out that there is no need to give a relationship response anymore. I'm so glad about that too!

[Mutt]

Thanks Mutt - that's a great acronym to lock in and I'll do some more reading too.

"Spinning my wheels" is an excellent way to put it and you're right to point out that there is no need to give a relationship response anymore. I'm so glad about that too!

I falter, it's difficult because I'm still detaching, but I'm getting to indifference, depersonalizing her behavior. It just takes time I think.