Journal: First 60 Days of Detaching

[christoff522]

The problem you will have is when the day comes that she doesn't text, you will feel bad.

Better to block so you just don't know either way

She may not text today, I don't know. I will actually feel better when she doesn't text. My entire plan is hinging on her giving up texting and both of us detaching from one another. I know that I have two options right now, continue talking to her, continue getting hurt, or end contact. I don't want to block her because there will be too many what ifs.  I want and need to know when she stops.

Now understand something, my no contact does not preclude contact at a distant time in the future. It's simply about me detaching from this situation, and her forgetting much of the stupidity and ignorance I'd done when I didn't realise what I was doing. Part of this is my ignorance of BPD, and another part is my ignorance of women and what they're like. I'm not talking about getting her back, but talking about being a better me. We live in the same city, will end up going to the same places in the future. It needs to be as if we never knew one another. I've actually unblocked her on fb today and deactivated my facebook for a while. My estimation is between 5 and 26 days with a limit of December 1st when I'll reactivate.

I'm essentially breaking off old habits. One of those habits was replying to her texts. You see what I'm doing? It's not about cutting her off, but about changing my habits. It takes 21 days to break a habit. She's a habit. No need to block or anything, I just don't speak to her cos I 'don't know her'.

[christoff522]

Its been 24 days since I ended it. On that day, November 10th, things seemed okay, then as we were texting she said she was going the cinema - I immediately knew she was going with her boyfriend, so I sent her 2 or 3 large texts explaining why I couldn't have anything more to do with her. She completely distanced herself and basically said that the only reason she was speaking to me was because she felt mean about how she'd treated me. I told her that I wasn't her friend, that I'd wanted to be her boyfriend and that seeing as this wasn't going to happen, we should go out seperate ways.

She's not contacted me and I haven't contacted her. She's put a few songs up (nothing major) and she posted a pic or two of her and her boyfriend saying how much she loves him.

I'm rather well detached now, no real intention of rekindling things now, I do check up on her from time to time, but I don't love her, and have no desire to be with her. I know this isn't the end of the road but I know that I feel wayyyy different to how I was, and that inspires me to keep going. When we first broke up (months ago now) I was angry, and the anger kept me going, but I'm at a point of indifference, I only check up on her out of curiosity, and I've seen a few odd things, like her putting a pic of her and her bf on instagram (which she's never done for anyone, not even her previous boyfriend of 2/3 years), which a few days later mysteriously vanished... quite odd behaviour.

Anyway, I'm thoroughly distracted at the moment, I've been looking into new subjects like mysticism and eastern orthodox christianity. I've been getting back into my faith. I've been working heinously large hours, I've also been trying my hand with new girls. Its sad and pathetic to think of the life she's living, how empty and vacuous her personality is, I pity her I really do. How can someone be angry at a child, in so much pain, crying out for a love that no one on this earth is capable of giving her? Really? I realised that I'm incapable of empathising with her, I can't expect her to think and feel at my level... .shes not capable of it. I'm like a  shadow to her, and she is to me. Or like candles separated by a thousand mile wide ocean.

Life is better, I am more detached, I've had lots of help in finding my way, little things that helped me not to feel like she was all I had. Big things that made me feel how I should feel - like a man, a man with potential and hope, and plenty of opportunities out there. I will update soon.

[Skip]

It's hard.

[Split black]

Its been 24 days since I ended it. On that day, November 10th, things seemed okay, then as we were texting she said she was going the cinema - I immediately knew she was going with her boyfriend, so I sent her 2 or 3 large texts explaining why I couldn't have anything more to do with her. She completely distanced herself and basically said that the only reason she was speaking to me was because she felt mean about how she'd treated me. I told her that I wasn't her friend, that I'd wanted to be her boyfriend and that seeing as this wasn't going to happen, we should go out seperate ways.

She's not contacted me and I haven't contacted her. She's put a few songs up (nothing major) and she posted a pic or two of her and her boyfriend saying how much she loves him.

I'm rather well detached now, no real intention of rekindling things now, I do check up on her from time to time, but I don't love her, and have no desire to be with her. I know this isn't the end of the road but I know that I feel wayyyy different to how I was, and that inspires me to keep going. When we first broke up (months ago now) I was angry, and the anger kept me going, but I'm at a point of indifference, I only check up on her out of curiosity, and I've seen a few odd things, like her putting a pic of her and her bf on instagram (which she's never done for anyone, not even her previous boyfriend of 2/3 years), which a few days later mysteriously vanished... quite odd behaviour.

Anyway, I'm thoroughly distracted at the moment, I've been looking into new subjects like mysticism and eastern orthodox christianity. I've been getting back into my faith. I've been working heinously large hours, I've also been trying my hand with new girls. Its sad and pathetic to think of the life she's living, how empty and vacuous her personality is, I pity her I really do. How can someone be angry at a child, in so much pain, crying out for a love that no one on this earth is capable of giving her? Really? I realised that I'm incapable of empathising with her, I can't expect her to think and feel at my level... .shes not capable of it. I'm like a  shadow to her, and she is to me. Or like candles separated by a thousand mile wide ocean.

Life is better, I am more detached, I've had lots of help in finding my way, little things that helped me not to feel like she was all I had. Big things that made me feel how I should feel - like a man, a man with potential and hope, and plenty of opportunities out there. I will update soon.

Im totally detached... .I havent been on the site for a while because I dont think about her much. And when I do it just to think how hopeless she is. I even saw her again and had sex over thanksgiving... .  I helped her out a bit. Since then, Ive had brief contact... .always initiated by her and always about giving her help ie. Money.   She knows she repeats the same pattern.

There is no doubt in my mind that she will burn out soon and probably be in very bad physical heath do the copious amount of drinking and drugging she does. Shes about to be evicted from her apt. The one I set her up in well over a year ago.  SHE texted me for rent help a few times this month... .Im 1500 hundred miles away... .once I told her to ask one of the other dudes on her rotation that she freely gives it up to... .and she of course says there aren't any .  I reminded her of the pattern she goes thru... .  infatuation and the devaluing and boredom. Shes aware of it but is as addicted to this hamster wheel as she is to coke and booze, and pain killers. Sad, sad but oh well. 

Anyway I thought I would chime in and say keep up the good work... .after a while it all feels like a bad dream ... .  after the fog lifts... .ur left with scars but no pain. OH... .and I might add... .there is an endless supply of available young ladies for  everyone. Believe it. I serial dated for a bit and I confess I thought I was a borderline magnet for awhile... .one insanely hot girl was manic on one date I thought she would explode. I ruled out Bi-polar when I heard her talk about her abusive childhood.

Stay sane, be safe, have fun.