need help coping

[dobie]

I was in a r/s with a very smart succsessfull BPD waif for 6 years ... .3 months ago she told me "her feelings had changed " after coming back from a short break with a GF .(In hindsight I can now look back over the last 12-18 months and really start to see the red flags of her detachment from me) but I was so in the fog and so desperate to bend over backwards to make her happy as well as make excuses for her and blame myself  I just ignored all the signs .

Since the BU she has been as destructive , childish , cruel and selfish as possible I won't list all the nasty things she has done as well as the resentment and total sense of vindication and self righteousness  she has projected onto me .

This women has nearly destroyed me and I don't say that lightly ... .I'm still reeling fr . The shock and the blows and it was my analysis , introspection and conversations with family and friends about her behaviours over the years that lead me to research BPD .

I need help I'm not going into therapy till the new year and all I seem to do is think about her 24/7 perhaps there are other people in the same boat who can help me or give me pointers with the following .

1.) Constant rumination "coulda shoulda woulda"

2.) The madness that I still want her back

3.) The shock of seeing her with the mask off

4.) The likleyhood she has a replacement the jealousy and hurt

5.) The blow to my self confidence & trust

6.) The damm longing

7.) The anger

8.) The shocking lack of empathy or remorse

[jhkbuzz]

I am so, so sorry for your pain.  I am intimately acquainted with your list... .and I know that it feels completely unbearable. It is truly awful - one of the most painful experiences you will ever have to survive.

I wish there was a quick and easy solution for your pain... .but there isn't.  A good therapist, the passage of time, and my own effort to understand the disorder - reading, participating in this discussion board, for example, have all helped me.  Also, make sure to spend time with family and friends - even when you just want to sit on the couch and cry.  You need all the support you can get from the people who love and care about you.

Spend some time reading about the five stages of grief - the end of a relationship with a person with BPD feels very much like a death.  Also take some time to read the support materials that are available on this website: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

I am four months out from the break up and two months without contact.  I can tell you it does get better, and gets easier.  The constant ruminations diminish. The thoughts of rekindling the relationship have ended. I am dealing with the knowledge that I have been replaced... .and it hasn't crushed me. I have worked through my anger. I am rebuilding my self esteem.  You will do all these things too.  How do I know?  I was EXACTLY where you were four months ago.

You WILL get through this.  You are worthy of a love and of a healthy relationship, you must remind yourself of this every single day.