Why do we recycle?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

JRT --


Obviously, I'm attracted to troubled women for some reason, and they're attracted to me for some reason. Is it unreasonable for me to start to think it may be as "simple" as me accepting that, wrt r-ships, when I see the flags, I need to just bite the bullet and tell them, "I really like you, but this is a bad fit"? And move on. Sometimes, I think we make way more out of the process than it's worth.

Other times, I think maybe I'm way less compromising than most people, and I might need more boundaries in my relationships. But I don't know why I would.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about why too.  I am attracted to troubled men, and if I look back I realise that it was because it felt normal for me and because they were different from other people, special, interesting, exciting.

In short it was my troubled relationship with my mother and abandoning relationship with my father all rolled into one nice big package.  I was and have been repeating those troubled relationships from my childhood over and over and I got so used to it that even when the abuse I was suffering became totally intolerable and unacceptable I still thought it was normal.  

The clue for me is just how uninteresting I found men who were nice and safe and healthy.  I only got hooked on the messed up ones... .

When I see the flags I say to myself unconsciously, 'ok, there are the flags, so I must be on the right track, situation normal'.  

[janey62]

JRT --


Obviously, I'm attracted to troubled women for some reason, and they're attracted to me for some reason. Is it unreasonable for me to start to think it may be as "simple" as me accepting that, wrt r-ships, when I see the flags, I need to just bite the bullet and tell them, "I really like you, but this is a bad fit"? And move on. Sometimes, I think we make way more out of the process than it's worth.

Other times, I think maybe I'm way less compromising than most people, and I might need more boundaries in my relationships. But I don't know why I would.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about why too.  I am attracted to troubled men, and if I look back I realise that it was because it felt normal for me and because they were different from other people, special, interesting, exciting.

In short it was my troubled relationship with my mother and abandoning relationship with my father all rolled into one nice big package.  I was and have been repeating those troubled relationships from my childhood over and over and I got so used to it that even when the abuse I was suffering became totally intolerable and unacceptable I still thought it was normal.  

The clue for me is just how uninteresting I found men who were nice and safe and healthy.  I only got hooked on the messed up ones... .

When I see the flags I say to myself unconsciously, 'ok, there are the flags, so I must be on the right track, situation normal'.  

[janey62]

Yep drummerboy, the drama is pretty intoxicating... .even more so if you grew up on it. 

[fromheeltoheal]

It was a little different for me: I got addicted to the chaos because it felt fully alive.  Like when you're in a crisis situation and you're moving through it, reacting, handling it, very intense but still doing what you have to do, time seems to slow down and it's invigorating, and also exhausting, and it isn't until after it's over that we reflect back and go 'holy sht, that was intense!'  The chaos and the unpredictable mood swings had me in that state constantly, and now although the emotional energy is gone, the memories are very vivid and bright, they left a lasting imprint.  That was part of it, the other part was when we're caught up in someone else's drama, we don't have the time, energy or focus to deal with our own stuff, so it's a handy way to avoid, until of course the crafty borderline does everything possible to devalue us.

So yeah, it was a rush, completely unsustainable, but a rush.  When we're stretching in our lives unforeseen rushes and chaos show up on their own once in a while, and I think I'll focus on stability and sustainability today, while stretching, and take life as it comes.

[eyvindr]

nowwhatz --

Yes, I am done this time. This is the third break-up, and it's been nearly 5 months since I've had any contact with her. A few weeks in I blocked every means of contact that I could -- she found ways around most of them, and despite not receiving any more than a "block" response to a few texts, she continued to txt, email and attempt to reach my by phone. It's been no less than stunning to witness how much energy one person can put into nothing but sheer vitriol -- every text and email an accusation or some crude, degrading comment, lengthy hateful voicemails -- it was horrible, and nearly verbatim what she did the prior two times we broke up and went no contact. I finally had to have a police officer contact her and warn her that, if she didn't stop immediately, including emailing and messaging my friends and family, she would be charged with harassment. Same as the last time she received a warning, she stopped directly contacting me, but continued her "anonymous" online screed. Which, sadly, is her right.

This is why I sometimes balm at the talk about enforcing boundaries with pwBPD -- not that it's a bad idea, but what other course besides strict permanent NC is there if the boundaries are clear but still blatantly ignored? I even tried to discuss this behavior with her during our together times -- that her behaviors resulted in the complete opposite of what she claimed she wanted. She has said to me and posted to others the most horrible, insulting and false things about me -- and, about one day in very twenty, she'll post something about "All a certain person has to do is reconcile, and all of the social media will come down. All you have to do is contact me." It's nothing less than emotional terrorism and blackmail, and yet her disturbed reasoning seems to think it's completely rational. 

And even though I went through this both times before, I still tried to make things work. I should have see the light, but I didn't. This time, finally, it's too bright for me to reason away, thank goodness. There hasn't been a single person in my life who has even suggested anything other than staying as far away from her as possible -- which they advised before, and I didn't listen. This time, I'm listening to my gut, and to the people who have known me far longer than my ex. If she needs to hate me, well, it hurts, but so be it.

janey -- I'm recognizing the same attraction to dysfunction in myself, but in my case I'm puzzled because I didn't experience it growing up. Is it possible that I was fine, until I met my ex-wife (my first pwBPD), and that experience did such a number on me that I still haven't recovered?