7 months later What I have learned to move forward and take my life back

[Rifka]

I came here 7 months ago having heard the term BPD for the first time ever.

I was a complete mess. I thought i was in love with somebody that just needed me to show him love back. I thought my intense love for him would soothe him and make all of his anger, pains and disappointments in life disappear and we were suppose to live happily ever after.

He touched my soul like nobody man had ever had before. It was intense, loving and powerful until it wasn't anymore!

What I learned is that the pain of this type of relationship once it turns dis functional is like no other relationship bond except a child losing a parents love and trying to win it back, but never getting it!

I did a lot of work here by reading about the disorder and on myself and still do. I use to post many times a day and pour my heart out during my sleepless nights, my lack of appetite and my inability to drag myself out of my bed to work.

The help, advise and knowledge from everyone here helped me pull myself back off the floor and start working on the real problem " ME"

My questions changed from everything about him, to everything about me.

I mean I let this guy into my life, red flags and all and then when it started to turn bad and mentally and emotionally abusive but I still stayed or took him back during recycles.

What was wrong with me?

That was my real first day of really moving forward with all of this.

The day I came here I went complete n/c once I understood how vital that was to my healing and coming out of the fog.

N/c was for me to have space to clear my head and process things clearer in the healing process.

He tried to contact me and even came to my front door once but I maintained my new boundary N/C. I threatened him with an order of protection if he ever came near me again. This was for me, not him!

Thankfully he stopped bothering me within the week when he got no response after my threat of an oop.

It's been a long, hard, road of having to stand alone at times, but good. It has made me a stronger and very knowledgable woman.

I have learned so much about me here. I even learned that I had no clue about why I repeated patterns with my choices of relationship. It's been amazing!

Today after many days and nights of sadness,confusion, and sometimes massive pity party moments. I am very clear. I am at peace with the relationship and myself.

I can honestly say that although I feel I might have truly felt I visited the perverbial Hell. I crawled out and am happy that I went there so that I can be here today.

I am healthy, self aware, and an even kinder soul. I learned about boundries and the skills to maintain them and not repeat the same patterns that bring me to attract the same people.

There are many new people here since I arrived 7 months ago. I never thought I could move forward when I got here, but I was very wrong.

You will all move through at your own pace. My advice is to write here and read everything about codependency. Learn about yourselves when you are ready to accept that you probably are a rescuer type personality.

We are kind, loving , caring people who are sort out by BPD.

We have to learn about us to recognize the signs of unhealthy people or personality disorders. We all have patterns that may need to be broken to change the path of our futures.

Today I can say looking back, it seemed hopeless to heal my heart when I got here. I was wrong!

It just took time and work on myself. It also took a lot of help from my wonderful bpdfamily.

I had responses 24 hours a day here. Thank goodness it's international here.

7 months later, mostly an uphill battle with many emotional falls down the hill.

I feel fantastic about me. I worked hard on my emotional and mental me. I happened to meet another Non in January. He is a kind hearted soul like me. He doesn't need to be fixed and he is a great listener as well as communicator. We both still have many reactions based on our experience with our Bpds but talk openly about our fears and thoughts and solutions. It's really nice, slow moving, no love bombing. Slow paced to understand who we are to ourselves and each other.


I just wanted to share some of my 7 month road with some of you new people who feel you won't get there. I promise if you put the work in about learning about yourselves, you will come out of this a much healthier you.

I am thankful for this painful experience with my exdBPDbf. He opened my doors to heal a me that probably nothing else could have.

I am peaceful today!

 wishing you all a knowledgable journey in your healing.

Feel your pain, it is real. Accept you loved, because you did. Understand that this other person was not able to feel that love because their disorder triggered them to disregulate when they are loved. It is how this disorder works and there was nothing you could do to fix them. It's completely up to them and take years of intense work on their parts and at best it's learning skills and tools to keep the disorder at bay, it probably will not be cured.

Focus on you, heal you, love you, nurture you!

Rifka

[JohnLove]

Rifka, that is truly great. I am touched that you've come so far... .and am glad you're doing well. The fact you have learnt so much about you because of the relationship is inspiring.

I love a happy ending.  

[Rifka]

Rifka, that is truly great. I am touched that you've come so far... .and am glad you're doing well. The fact you have learnt so much about you because of the relationship is inspiring.

I love a happy ending.  

. Thank you! I want you to know it does get better with time!

[Reecer1588]

Rifka, thank you very much for your words!

Listen, were there ever times where you even questioned that your ex has BPD? Unless he got a formal diagnosis.

And if he was never formally diagnosed, how could you become confident that he was mentally ill?

I just doubt if mine ever was BPD, I still feel like I'm the crazy one.

Here's my story if you want context: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271943.0

Regardless though, my question remains. What made you sure of it?

Thanks

~reece

[CloseToFreedom]

Powerful stuff. Thank you for your uplifting post.

I'm 3 months out now after a relationship of 4,5 years (with 10 recycles). I'm still a bit raw, but not as raw as two months ago. You really set an example. I hope to get as far as you!

[Hazelrah]

Rifka, thank you very much for your words!

Listen, were there ever times where you even questioned that your ex has BPD? Unless he got a formal diagnosis.

And if he was never formally diagnosed, how could you become confident that he was mentally ill?

I just doubt if mine ever was BPD, I still feel like I'm the crazy one.

Here's my story if you want context: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271943.0

Regardless though, my question remains. What made you sure of it?

Thanks

~reece

Reecer,

I'll cite a common, yet valuable, sentiment  often expressed by some of the more experienced folks on this site... .

A diagnosis of BPD is really not the most important matter to be considered in your relationship's difficulties.  Rather, it's the other person's actions that need to be looked at.  Are the actions of the person you were involved with the sort of behaviors you are willing to live with and accept in a romantic interest, BPD or not?  Or are they unacceptable to you and, ultimately, 'deal-breakers'?

[Reecer1588]

Rifka, thank you very much for your words!

Listen, were there ever times where you even questioned that your ex has BPD? Unless he got a formal diagnosis.

And if he was never formally diagnosed, how could you become confident that he was mentally ill?

I just doubt if mine ever was BPD, I still feel like I'm the crazy one.

Here's my story if you want context: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271943.0

Regardless though, my question remains. What made you sure of it?

Thanks

~reece

Reecer,

I'll cite a common, yet valuable, sentiment  often expressed by some of the more experienced folks on this site... .

A diagnosis of BPD is really not the most important matter to be considered in your relationship's difficulties.  Rather, it's the other person's actions that need to be looked at.  Are the actions of the person you were involved with the sort of behaviors you are willing to live with and accept in a romantic interest, BPD or not?  Or are they unacceptable to you and, ultimately, 'deal-breakers'?

Sometimes though, and this is my point, I still feel like I was the one who was the 'deal breaker', like what she said about me was true: that I'm 'immature, clingy, overbearing, I make inappropriate jokes, i make her feel belittled, disrespected, on and on and on'

They really have a way of making you feel like you were the one that did it. To her, I'm a crazy lunatic ass, I guess.

[Rifka]

Rifka, thank you very much for your words!

Listen, were there ever times where you even questioned that your ex has BPD? Unless he got a formal diagnosis.

And if he was never formally diagnosed, how could you become confident that he was mentally ill?

I just doubt if mine ever was BPD, I still feel like I'm the crazy one.

Here's my story if you want context: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271943.0

Regardless though, my question remains. What made you sure of it?h

Thank

~reece

Hi Reece,

My exbf was diagnosed through his therapist and told me after I finally broke it completely for the last time. I believe that he already knew for many years that he was a borderline but decided to keep that a secret during our relationship. There were so many lies in our relationship. He had been in therapy for years prior to ever meeting me with his ex-wife. When I met my ex there were many red flags and he really did warn me to not be with him not in those words but they were there.

Since I really didn't know even what BPD was when I was in the relationship there were so many times that I thought I was the crazy one as well. Now knowing about the disorder I know that this is part of the process of us losing control of ourselves to give them the control. Maybe I was crazy just thinking that I did give up all the control, even though it made me physically emotionally and mentally sick to do it.

Thinking back it's really mind blowing!

I'm on a minivacation right now when I get back I will read up on your story that'll be during the week. Thank you for writing.

Rifka

[Rifka]

Rifka, thank you very much for your words!

Listen, were there ever times where you even questioned that your ex has BPD? Unless he got a formal diagnosis.

And if he was never formally diagnosed, how could you become confident that he was mentally ill?

I just doubt if mine ever was BPD, I still feel like I'm the crazy one.

Here's my story if you want context: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271943.0

Regardless though, my question remains. What made you sure of it?

Thanks

~reece

Reecer,

I'll cite a common, yet valuable, sentiment  often expressed by some of the more experienced folks on this site... .

A diagnosis of BPD is really not the most important matter to be considered in your relationship's difficulties.  Rather, it's the other person's actions that need to be looked at.  Are the actions of the person you were involved with the sort of behaviors you are willing to live with and accept in a romantic interest, BPD or not?  Or are they unacceptable to you and, ultimately, 'deal-breakers'?

Sometimes though, and this is my point, I still feel like I was the one who was the 'deal breaker', like what she said about me was true: that I'm 'immature, clingy, overbearing, I make inappropriate jokes, i make her feel belittled, disrespected, on and on and on'

They really have a way of making you feel like you were the one that did it. To her, I'm a crazy lunatic ass, I guess.

Reece, I just read your stuff a bit! You're 19! Give yourself a break. Yes 19 year olds can be all you said is true of you, you are just out of your safety nest of your comfort zone of home. To expect anything different is unrealistic you're still young with so much to learn about life and that's the way it's supposed to be, it's a good thing. As far as how she feels about your behavior that's her stuff but your stuff is your stuff.

You have many years to learn about life, I'm 52 and will learn until the day I die!

Rifka

[Madison66]

This is a fantastic thread and to Rifka - that was an outstanding and encouraging message!  I'm a little over 15 months out of an 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  My ex gf was undiagnosed, but I had a couples T pretty much advise me to leave the r/s about year in after she tried some unsuccessful individual T with my ex gf.  I didn't get it then, but the T told me she didn't see my ex gf would stick with the years of T needed to deal with her strong B and N traits.  And, it would grow worse over time.  How right on she was!

I grew up with a father who was a functional alcoholic and a mother who was deep in co-dependency.  It was the perfect breeding ground for each of the kids in my family to become co-dependent and/or addicted.  I was then married for over ten years to non PD woman who chose to leave the marriage for things that I couldn't control.  Through my co-dependency, I owned too much of what went down in that r/s and carried the feeling that I need to be able to make an r/s work.  Then I met my ex gf six months after my divorce.  I was ripe for the picking and it was a perfect storm of love bombing, mirroring, rescuing, etc.!  What I encountered in the form of emotional immaturity/dysregulation, chaos and abuse were things I simply didn't have my own personal boundaries and strength built up enough to be able to identify, deal with and walk away from in a healthy manner.  There was some really wild stuff coming from her, but the main problem for me was that I was looking to someone else to make me feel loved and secure.  That along with the need to own or fix others issues/problems were manifested from my co-dependent upbringing.  

When I came to the board first during one of the breakups in October of 2012, I was looking for validation that my ex gf was messed up and that there was still something I could do to fix her or the r/s.  I returned to the r/s for 3 more recycles before leaving for good in late 2013.  I returned to the this site filled with mixed emotions and still looking to blame my ex gf.  Through strict n/c (not easy because her and her young kids rented a home on my block) and effective T, I came to finally turn the focus inward.  There was nothing that I could have done to save the r/s.  I don't need to diagnose or understand my ex gf PD issues other than to use my own values to discern that the r/s was not right for me.  Further, I used the time and the T to dig into the scars of my childhood.  If the 3+ years of the chaotic r/s happened for any one good reason, I can say it was for me to finally deal with my "stuff"!

So, over 15 months later I have clarity and peace in my life.  I can live, laugh, love and grow again.  About six months ago, I met a fabulous non PD woman who I've become close to both as a lover and a dear friend.  I'm parenting a teen and it is not always easy, but I don't feel like I need to control or fix anything.  I'm good letting the pages of the book of life turn.  I still come to this site to stay aware and grounded, and maybe to share my thoughts and experiences in ways that may help others like I was helped so many times in the past.  

I echo the thoughts about time, n/c, turning your thoughts inward and working on "you" through T or other avenues, and letting go of having to make sense of what went down in your r/s with pw PD.  It didn't work for you and now it's time to live, love, laugh and grow again!

[Rifka]

This is a fantastic thread and to Rifka - that was an outstanding and encouraging message!  I'm a little over 15 months out of an 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  My ex gf was undiagnosed, but I had a couples T pretty much advise me to leave the r/s about year in after she tried some unsuccessful individual T with my ex gf.  I didn't get it then, but the T told me she didn't see my ex gf would stick with the years of T needed to deal with her strong B and N traits.  And, it would grow worse over time.  How right on she was!

I grew up with a father who was a functional alcoholic and a mother who was deep in co-dependency.  It was the perfect breeding ground for each of the kids in my family to become co-dependent and/or addicted.  I was then married for over ten years to non PD woman who chose to leave the marriage for things that I couldn't control.  Through my co-dependency, I owned too much of what went down in that r/s and carried the feeling that I need to be able to make an r/s work.  Then I met my ex gf six months after my divorce.  I was ripe for the picking and it was a perfect storm of love bombing, mirroring, rescuing, etc.!  What I encountered in the form of emotional immaturity/dysregulation, chaos and abuse were things I simply didn't have my own personal boundaries and strength built up enough to be able to identify, deal with and walk away from in a healthy manner.  There was some really wild stuff coming from her, but the main problem for me was that I was looking to someone else to make me feel loved and secure.  That along with the need to own or fix others issues/problems were manifested from my co-dependent upbringing.  

When I came to the board first during one of the breakups in October of 2012, I was looking for validation that my ex gf was messed up and that there was still something I could do to fix her or the r/s.  I returned to the r/s for 3 more recycles before leaving for good in late 2013.  I returned to the this site filled with mixed emotions and still looking to blame my ex gf.  Through strict n/c (not easy because her and her young kids rented a home on my block) and effective T, I came to finally turn the focus inward.  There was nothing that I could have done to save the r/s.  I don't need to diagnose or understand my ex gf PD issues other than to use my own values to discern that the r/s was not right for me.  Further, I used the time and the T to dig into the scars of my childhood.  If the 3+ years of the chaotic r/s happened for any one good reason, I can say it was for me to finally deal with my "stuff"!

So, over 15 months later I have clarity and peace in my life.  I can live, laugh, love and grow again.  About six months ago, I met a fabulous non PD woman who I've become close to both as a lover and a dear friend.  I'm parenting a teen and it is not always easy, but I don't feel like I need to control or fix anything.  I'm good letting the pages of the book of life turn.  I still come to this site to stay aware and grounded, and maybe to share my thoughts and experiences in ways that may help others like I was helped so many times in the past.  

I echo the thoughts about time, n/c, turning your thoughts inward and working on "you" through T or other avenues, and letting go of having to make sense of what went down in your r/s with pw PD.  It didn't work for you and now it's time to live, love, laugh and grow again!

Sounds like a beautiful success story to me! I think it's important to let newbies know that there really is a fantastic light at the end of this very dark tunnel. Learning about ourselves will get us there with time.




Rifka