Lesbians/Polyamory/Heaven&Hell ~ My story

[Depression = 72% of members]

Part 1



I'm going to begin my story with expressing that it's incredibly messy, there were a lot of ignored red flags, and that my ex is undiagnosed with BPD. For all I know she may not have it, but over the past 8 or 9 months we became incredibly close and I knew her pretty well and I can say with confidence that she's suffering from that and possibly something else. I'm not her therapist, so I can't diagnose. She has at least 8 of the 9 traits. I'm going to try and condense my story so it's not too long, and any and all questions/feedback is welcome. I want to share my story with you all because I feel like it will help give me the clarity I need so I can stop obsessing over it, and give me a much needed vent.

The beginning/Filler Type Stuff



Our story begins on a website for writers. It's a niche site, and for obvious reasons I can't disclose the name. Upon meeting things were just simple and we didn't talk much, except to write our story, but then we grew closer over a few weeks and then she tells me she has a girlfriend, but they're polyamorous. Either way I told her I wasn't interested, because she had a girlfriend, but we continued to flirt since her girlfriend had given her the okay to flirt and it was literally nothing serious. Things began to escalate. We winded up having a lot in common, and we complimented each other very well. Things like her being a dom, and me being a sub. Our dynamic was pretty much perfect, but I still stayed within my boundaries since she was in a relationship and I didn't want to fall for someone that was already attached(Poly or not). They had been together for five years.

Long story short, we began talking more and she approaches me about entering her relationship with her girlfriend. At this point I didn't know what she looked like, and she didn't know what I looked like, but we had such a powerful connection that I was willing to see before we did anything. She does tell her girlfriend about me and wanting to pursue something with me, and her girlfriend was okay with this. I wind up also getting acquainted with her gf to make sure we all get along fine. We all hit it off. Exchanged pics and we both find each other attractive. To clarify, I was in a relationship with her, not her gf. We were essentially sharing the same person, but we were in a LDR and she lived with her gf.

Like most people who get involved with people with BPD, I was basically made to feel on top of the world. I was beautiful, I was perfect, I was easy to talk to, along with a bunch of other things. Do I think the connection was fake? No, I don't. There were just a lot of things we had in common and really in a lot of ways we were perfect for each other, which makes this whole situation so hard for me. We spent all of every day speaking, and after confirming that we all got along we jumped into a relationship quite fast. Unfortunately, it became a roller coaster ride quite fast. Her gf was very jealous of our connection and I was causing problems because my ex spent all of her time talking to me, even when she was around her gf. We were in the honeymoon phase, so naturally that's what we wanted to do. Anyways,  I did the right thing and tried to leave, and my ex literally broke down when I tried to leave. Mind you we had only been talking romantically and officially for a few days, so that reaction was totally unsuspected. But I had already told myself if I ever begin to cause problems in that relationship I would leave and let them live happily ever after, because I didn't want to get pulled in and discarded. I didn't want to be apart of their experiment.

Anyways, they both tell me that it's okay. That I can stay and that they would work through their problems, that I didn't need to leave my ex. It keeps happening though. The jealousy continues and it only gets worse, but I stick through it because each time it's the same thing. So keep in mind this all happens within the first week of us dating, and she also tells me she loves me as in love with me. I wasn't ready to say it yet, though I was certainly getting close. Still, I was skeptical of how fast she fell for me because we had only been speaking romantically for about a week, if that. It was very intense, but I was addicted to it all. In a little over a week I wind up admitting my love for her on skype, and it's all gravy, but then it's not. Her gf finds out and is upset and obviously another fight ensues, but we all wind up staying together and keeping the peace. To cut out a lot of unnecessary meat, we wind up breaking up due to the jealousy issues and me threatening their relationship, but apparently my ex was depressed the whole time we broke up and her gf winds up leaving her due to her depression over me. So, she reaches out to me the same day her ex leaves and that is the start of our relationship.

The Relationship



That day she told me the story of what happened and insured me that they weren't getting back together because her ex was mad that she had 'chosen' me over her. Keep in mind we were only broken up for like two days before getting back together, so I knew better than to think her ex was out of the picture. We started over and once again it was the idealization period and being perfect again, but shortly after her ex moves back in with her and I think at this point her ex had been painted black, because she refused to talk to her because her ex had left the house suddenly while she was at work. I think this triggered her abandonment issues, because the main reason she didn't get back with her ex was because she didn't want to deal with her being depressed over me. So my ex winds up telling me that they're done for good, but over time she begins to soften and her anger or whatever subsides. She was lying to me A LOT, about pretty much everything but I had no idea.

There was a lot of push and pull, and of course confusion, but naturally that is bound to be a thing in a situation like this. Anytime I would try to leave it would be met with resistance, and her telling me she loved me and wasn't in love with her ex anymore. As time goes on, she and her ex begin to start speaking more and I find out she had basically been living out her dream of dating the both of us at the same time. I had been painted black by her once when she wasn't talking to me for like a day, I guess because she was screwing around behind my back with her ex, which I didn't know at the time, and she felt she was being called out. But, all I had done was say that she had been playing her video game all day and I hadn't heard from her. Apparently this was a huge offense and it caused her to be enraged, when I was being calm and kind and expressing that I missed her. So we talk and she tells me She's not in love with me anymore. Literally, like a switch had flipped within a few hours she just was out of love. I was devastated and heartbroken, and we say our good byes on skype, with her crying about it. We reconnect about a week later and her feelings had returned suddenly.

I'm not sure if I'm getting across why I think she has BPD, but a classic thing she does is NEVER in the history of us talking except for when we had first gotten involved would she ever own up to anything. She would never apologize, seek me out to apologize or anything. She would punish me by giving me the silent treatment and usually it would wind up with me reaching out to her because I was so lost and confused as to why she was so angry. She got mad over the littlest things, and she hated dealing with emotions. She became exhausted and would go to sleep shortly after dealing with anything emotional.Maybe because she just wasn't dealing with them at all?  I wouldn't say she is high functioning because she only works two days out of the week, and when I met her she only worked four, and then came home and didn't do much. I understand the situation is different because we were originally involved in a poly relationship, so this is why I put up with her ex's presence. I had grown accustomed to the threesome, even though my ex and I were involved in what was supposed to be a monogamous relationship.

At this point we had not yet met, because my ex was I guess afraid to do it for fear of driving off her ex completely. As I said she wanted us both and I didn't realize at the time that she still did. She had opened up to me and told me her ex had cheated on her emotionally about three years ago and had never gotten over it, and that was the basis of not wanting to get back together along with her ex not sticking by her side through her depression over me.

Anyways, She couldn't come see me because her ex had threatened suicide and was literally losing her mind over the fact that they weren't together anymore, and that we were still talking. Also, the fear that she wouldn't live up to her potential and I would be disappointed with her in person. We do eventually meet in the month of October and things are how you would imagine. Perfect. Lots of sex. Affection. Dates. When she goes back home what I think is an amazing step forward is another step back. After a few hours of being home, while I think she's asleep she has a breakdown and texts me she wants to kill herself, because she's been lying to me and still has feelings for her ex. I wind up talking her off the ledge and it was a really scary night. I think that was the night we grew pretty close, because if she hadn't had that suicide scare I probably would have dropped her right then, because finding out she was playing both sides of the fence hurt a lot, but I wanted to be there for her. I loved her, and I thought she loved me. Maybe she did, who knows. In a way, walking away from her meant killing herself and I just couldn't do it.

[5tarla]

Part 1



I'm going to begin my story with expressing that it's incredibly messy, there were a lot of ignored red flags, and that my ex is undiagnosed with BPD. For all I know she may not have it, but over the past 8 or 9 months we became incredibly close and I knew her pretty well and I can say with confidence that she's suffering from that and possibly something else. I'm not her therapist, so I can't diagnose. She has at least 8 of the 9 traits. I'm going to try and condense my story so it's not too long, and any and all questions/feedback is welcome. I want to share my story with you all because I feel like it will help give me the clarity I need so I can stop obsessing over it, and give me a much needed vent.

The beginning/Filler Type Stuff



Our story begins on a website for writers. It's a niche site, and for obvious reasons I can't disclose the name. Upon meeting things were just simple and we didn't talk much, except to write our story, but then we grew closer over a few weeks and then she tells me she has a girlfriend, but they're polyamorous. Either way I told her I wasn't interested, because she had a girlfriend, but we continued to flirt since her girlfriend had given her the okay to flirt and it was literally nothing serious. Things began to escalate. We winded up having a lot in common, and we complimented each other very well. Things like her being a dom, and me being a sub. Our dynamic was pretty much perfect, but I still stayed within my boundaries since she was in a relationship and I didn't want to fall for someone that was already attached(Poly or not). They had been together for five years.

Long story short, we began talking more and she approaches me about entering her relationship with her girlfriend. At this point I didn't know what she looked like, and she didn't know what I looked like, but we had such a powerful connection that I was willing to see before we did anything. She does tell her girlfriend about me and wanting to pursue something with me, and her girlfriend was okay with this. I wind up also getting acquainted with her gf to make sure we all get along fine. We all hit it off. Exchanged pics and we both find each other attractive. To clarify, I was in a relationship with her, not her gf. We were essentially sharing the same person, but we were in a LDR and she lived with her gf.

Like most people who get involved with people with BPD, I was basically made to feel on top of the world. I was beautiful, I was perfect, I was easy to talk to, along with a bunch of other things. Do I think the connection was fake? No, I don't. There were just a lot of things we had in common and really in a lot of ways we were perfect for each other, which makes this whole situation so hard for me. We spent all of every day speaking, and after confirming that we all got along we jumped into a relationship quite fast. Unfortunately, it became a roller coaster ride quite fast. Her gf was very jealous of our connection and I was causing problems because my ex spent all of her time talking to me, even when she was around her gf. We were in the honeymoon phase, so naturally that's what we wanted to do. Anyways,  I did the right thing and tried to leave, and my ex literally broke down when I tried to leave. Mind you we had only been talking romantically and officially for a few days, so that reaction was totally unsuspected. But I had already told myself if I ever begin to cause problems in that relationship I would leave and let them live happily ever after, because I didn't want to get pulled in and discarded. I didn't want to be apart of their experiment.

Anyways, they both tell me that it's okay. That I can stay and that they would work through their problems, that I didn't need to leave my ex. It keeps happening though. The jealousy continues and it only gets worse, but I stick through it because each time it's the same thing. So keep in mind this all happens within the first week of us dating, and she also tells me she loves me as in love with me. I wasn't ready to say it yet, though I was certainly getting close. Still, I was skeptical of how fast she fell for me because we had only been speaking romantically for about a week, if that. It was very intense, but I was addicted to it all. In a little over a week I wind up admitting my love for her on skype, and it's all gravy, but then it's not. Her gf finds out and is upset and obviously another fight ensues, but we all wind up staying together and keeping the peace. To cut out a lot of unnecessary meat, we wind up breaking up due to the jealousy issues and me threatening their relationship, but apparently my ex was depressed the whole time we broke up and her gf winds up leaving her due to her depression over me. So, she reaches out to me the same day her ex leaves and that is the start of our relationship.

The Relationship



That day she told me the story of what happened and insured me that they weren't getting back together because her ex was mad that she had 'chosen' me over her. Keep in mind we were only broken up for like two days before getting back together, so I knew better than to think her ex was out of the picture. We started over and once again it was the idealization period and being perfect again, but shortly after her ex moves back in with her and I think at this point her ex had been painted black, because she refused to talk to her because her ex had left the house suddenly while she was at work. I think this triggered her abandonment issues, because the main reason she didn't get back with her ex was because she didn't want to deal with her being depressed over me. So my ex winds up telling me that they're done for good, but over time she begins to soften and her anger or whatever subsides. She was lying to me A LOT, about pretty much everything but I had no idea.

There was a lot of push and pull, and of course confusion, but naturally that is bound to be a thing in a situation like this. Anytime I would try to leave it would be met with resistance, and her telling me she loved me and wasn't in love with her ex anymore. As time goes on, she and her ex begin to start speaking more and I find out she had basically been living out her dream of dating the both of us at the same time. I had been painted black by her once when she wasn't talking to me for like a day, I guess because she was screwing around behind my back with her ex, which I didn't know at the time, and she felt she was being called out. But, all I had done was say that she had been playing her video game all day and I hadn't heard from her. Apparently this was a huge offense and it caused her to be enraged, when I was being calm and kind and expressing that I missed her. So we talk and she tells me She's not in love with me anymore. Literally, like a switch had flipped within a few hours she just was out of love. I was devastated and heartbroken, and we say our good byes on skype, with her crying about it. We reconnect about a week later and her feelings had returned suddenly.

I'm not sure if I'm getting across why I think she has BPD, but a classic thing she does is NEVER in the history of us talking except for when we had first gotten involved would she ever own up to anything. She would never apologize, seek me out to apologize or anything. She would punish me by giving me the silent treatment and usually it would wind up with me reaching out to her because I was so lost and confused as to why she was so angry. She got mad over the littlest things, and she hated dealing with emotions. She became exhausted and would go to sleep shortly after dealing with anything emotional.Maybe because she just wasn't dealing with them at all?  I wouldn't say she is high functioning because she only works two days out of the week, and when I met her she only worked four, and then came home and didn't do much. I understand the situation is different because we were originally involved in a poly relationship, so this is why I put up with her ex's presence. I had grown accustomed to the threesome, even though my ex and I were involved in what was supposed to be a monogamous relationship.

At this point we had not yet met, because my ex was I guess afraid to do it for fear of driving off her ex completely. As I said she wanted us both and I didn't realize at the time that she still did. She had opened up to me and told me her ex had cheated on her emotionally about three years ago and had never gotten over it, and that was the basis of not wanting to get back together along with her ex not sticking by her side through her depression over me.

Anyways, She couldn't come see me because her ex had threatened suicide and was literally losing her mind over the fact that they weren't together anymore, and that we were still talking. Also, the fear that she wouldn't live up to her potential and I would be disappointed with her in person. We do eventually meet in the month of October and things are how you would imagine. Perfect. Lots of sex. Affection. Dates. When she goes back home what I think is an amazing step forward is another step back. After a few hours of being home, while I think she's asleep she has a breakdown and texts me she wants to kill herself, because she's been lying to me and still has feelings for her ex. I wind up talking her off the ledge and it was a really scary night. I think that was the night we grew pretty close, because if she hadn't had that suicide scare I probably would have dropped her right then, because finding out she was playing both sides of the fence hurt a lot, but I wanted to be there for her. I loved her, and I thought she loved me. Maybe she did, who knows. In a way, walking away from her meant killing herself and I just couldn't do it.

[5tarla]

Part 2:

Anyway, she comes to see me again in November and again it's amazing, but there are a few hiccups with her ex. Fast forward to February, and I go to see her due to her suicide idealizations and intense depression. I was extremely worried about her and she wanted me there, so I came to visit with the permission of her ex since she still lived there in a separate room. But at this point they were done and she had finally calmed down. So the first few days I was there it was perfect, and then she shut me out. It felt like she resented me, and she was just cold and stopped being affectionate. I talked to her about it finally after being fed up and she blamed it on depression, and just that she would miss her 'ex' because she was moving out and giving her attention to someone else. While I was there, I saw a text over her shoulder from a girl she had been apparently flirting with and I just broke down and she begged me to stay, told me 'it meant nothing', the girl was nothing, and that she only did it because i wasn't there and then went on about how she was no good for me, and how she told me that she was no good for me, the usual lines that they give. She has always given me those lines though. During this whole thing, she is basically physically wrestling with me and pinning me down to the bed, refusing to let me leave or move and telling me not to leave, even though I had no way of leaving anyway. It was abusive in the way, but I didn't see it that way at the time.

Poo hits the fan

Then we go to her actual house a few days later to stay for the last couple weeks I was there. We were house sitting a different house previously. I meet with her ex for the first time and it's all gravy. Her ex was very nice and we got along very well, but the coldness from my ex continues and she starts withholding sex from me and just not being very kind in general. Which was odd because literally nothing had happened between us, but she wasn't being nice, and she would NOT KISS me, the few times we were intimate she would not kiss me and kind of jumped into having sex with me with no intimacy. It was the oddest thing ever, especially from lesbians because we're all about intimacy and foreplay. She would initiate sex with me and then stop it in it's tracks, which I did call her out on and she told me basically that she liked being in control.

Anyways, once again editing out some filler, one day her ex and I are just hanging around at the house while my ex is gone, and we start talking about everything. She lets the cat out of the bag. We start talking about what happened and how my ex had slept with her twice since we had been dating. That night she had gotten home from seeing me when she wanted to kill herself, and then another time which she couldn't remember. Basically the whole time we were dating she was playing us both, except my ex's ex was much more in the know than I was. She told me that they cuddled randomly and basically that my ex had tried pursuing her again WHILE I was there. Now, one thing I did forget to mention that I'm only remembering at this point is that I pushed my ex to get therapy. She was reluctant at first but went because I feared for her well being. She did start going while I was there, just once a week. Just tossing that out there.

So when my ex gets home from work I keep calm and hold my composure. I tell her that I know everything, and she is just being super condescending towards me and as I'm bringing up the stuff to have her confirm it. My ex literally has very little to say and shows absolutely no remorse or care for what she did, but when I didn't know she was always beating herself up over it, which is strange. So we get into an argument and she just turns NASTY. Telling me to f off, calling me an ass, telling me to stfu and then telling me "I told you I was a liar" and trying to make me feel bad for all the things she had done. I set her off because I interrupted her several times during this fight because I didn't want to hear her lies, but apparently that escalated it and she refuses to acknowledge ANYTHING I'm saying. All she focuses is on is the fact that I interrupted her and apparently I'm just trying to tell her how she feels, and then she tries to say she's a pathological liar and that she can't help it. The fight ends with her crying in rage, threatening to harm me, and then storming out of the house after smacking her hand against some glasses and shattering them. We don't speak again after that. I'm pretty sure she painted me black as soon as I confronted her, but who knows. I will say that no low blows were thrown during this fight, but she did try to call me out and say that I was using her for sex because I complained that she wasn't being affectionate towards me. I had told her during that fight that now she could stop beating herself up over her lies and that giant dark cloud over her head could disappear since I know the truth now, but again I was pretty calm when arguing with her.

Fast Forward to Now

For most of March I'm fine not speaking to her because I was secure in myself that I did all I could to try and make our relationship work. I didn't cry or anything, and I was confident that she would see her wrongs and eventually come around AT LEAST to apologize. We had very little contact on our writing website, but she was pretty curt with me and would only reply once a week. So then I find out she's talking to someone new and mentioned me on her tumblr when asked about me basically saying that We broke up because she had feelings for her ex, and that she is an eff up. I was like "Ah ha she feels remorse." Nope. She then alludes to the fact that she is now involved with someone else who is not her ex and I honestly got so depressed and sad. Like, how could she move on so fast? So I text her, keeping it casual asking about our writing stuff, and then I tell her I miss her. I asked if she missed me too and she said she does, "it just hurts to say it." I ask her why and she says "bc of everything that happened." I tell her that I got over it, which I did. I don't hold grudges, we're the opposite in that way. I tell her I want her to come see me, testing the waters and also I can't deny that at this point I was still in love with her and didn't see her as a monster, even though all of my friends tried to convince me that I should.

She asks me why I want her to come see and I tell her because I miss her, and she said she doesn't know and doesn't know how to act with me anymore. Saying that she doesn't know if we could just be friends, etc. Me personally I told her I had no problem with just being friends, but then she texts me back saying she doesn't know if she can be friends. I ask why and here's the kicker: She says because of how I left. She basically tells me she is still holding a grudge and angry because I interrupted her during that fight... .I was in utter shock that she basically blamed me, and I asked her to imagine how I was feeling after almost a whole year of her lies. She says "I know and I'm sorry, but you didn't try to make it any better." I tell her I don't see how I could have made it any better? And then she's saying by not interrupting her and telling her how she was feeling. So we go back and forth with me basically bringing up what she had done in a sort of not specific way, and she's like "Well, you should know me better than to think I'd be over everything by now." She goes on to tell me she is holding a grudge, and I tell her well I didn't think you would still be mad if you're telling me you still miss me. I told her how she had been treating me while I was there. Keep in mind during this conversation the one thing she seems to focus on is that if she comes to see me we can't sleep in the same room, because she would wanna cuddle. I told her that should be the least of her worries since she is still angry at me, and that I wouldn't cuddle her anyway so it would be fine. I just thought it was weird how she kept worrying about our physical boundaries and worried about being able to be 'just friends'. IF anyone has any insight into that do tell. She tells me that every time she thinks of me she gets angry, because no one has ever made her that angry in her life. Then she says that despite what I think, she really was in love with 'us both' but she isn't going to try and change my mind.

We argue a little bit and during the convo she winds up misconstruing something I said and gets pissed and says not to text her again, and I'm like are you really angry? I didn't mean it like that. So she gets over it. So, I tell her it's probably better if we're not friends then, because of how she is acting and she's like "Well you should have known better, you know I hold onto things... ."The same lines. I tell her I thought she was more reasonable than this. My ex is very critical of cheaters and liars, and so I pull that out and I'm like you hate this but you do this and you're holding onto something that happened a month ago.

We talk again the next day very lightly and she goes into saying she isn't mad at me and doesn't hate me, and that a grudge doesn't always mean mad, just that she keeps replaying what happened over and over. I tell her again there's no point to being friends if she's just going to keep being mad at that, and she gets frustrated and says she told me she doesn't hate me so to let it go. And that if I wanna talk to her, talk, but she can't expect us to be 'super friends' after what she did. So our conversation ends with very little catching up, and her being frustrated that I think she is still holding a grudge (which she is, btw.)

The next day I decide I'm angry that she has the nerve to blame me for everything so I send this novel of a text to her basically outlining everything she did in detail, all of her past transgressions so that she couldn't get out of it, and everything she had done. She read it all. And then she sends me a text saying "Why are you overthinking things? Literally. Overthinking." And then she texts me again and says, "I told you if you wanna talk fine, if you don't wanna talk fine. I told you I was willing to, but you obviously keep focusing on the fact that I'm bothered. So okay. Do what you think is best." after that response I couldn't be bothered to respond, because she didn't acknowledge a thing I said. I was baffled. It's been a week since that happened and I'm in a much better place. Even writing this huge thing has really helped to clear my head. I went through a period where I blamed myself and wondered if I had conducted myself differently if we would still be together, but there's nothing I could have done differently. I was really good to her, I did all I could. She was really good to me, but she was also not, because she was lying and doing things behind my back.

No, I don't want my ex back. I won't deny that I still love her, it's only been a month, but I'm coming to terms with A LOT. The thing is, I would have forgiven her when I confronted her had she actually taken responsibility and apologized, but through that whole thing I never even got that. I probably won't ever get one. Also, I realize it's a lot of drama but this did in fact happen.

[5tarla]

Also to add, the whole time I was visiting she kept talking about how she was gonna lose us both, even though at that point I wasn't planning on leaving her and had told her this multiple times. She kept saying it was inevitable and how she was gonna wind up alone.

[FallBack!Monster]

Sounds like my ex

[heartandwhole]

Hi 5tarla 

Welcome to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, I know how painful it can be, especially when reality seems to shift from hour to hour. I'm so glad that you decided to write your story. As you said, it helps you to put what you've experienced into perspective, and it helps us to understand where you are coming from.

Although my romantic situation with pwBPD wasn't quite as complicated as your story, I can very much relate to so much of what you have written. I think a time-out is very wise. For me, some time to step back and get centered within myself was so critical. Everything had been about him for so long, I felt I had lost myself.

You mentioned your friends/family not looking kindly on this relationship, but it sounds like they really care and are looking after your well-being. Is that how you feel? I know for me, my friends and family didn't appear to understand how devastating the situation was for me, due to BPD, but they were very supportive and understood that this breakup required much more time and care than anything they expected.

What about a therapist, 5tarla? Have you thought of talking to someone about this? I found it very helpful, especially for helping me see how I was still trapped in "stinking thinking."

The resources on this site are outstanding, so I hope you will avail yourself of all the wisdom and help that are on the site. Here is an article that particularly floored me and helped me turn a corner toward healing during my breakup: 

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4) Belief that love can prevail

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

6) Clinging to the words that were said

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Keep writing. Our members can definitely relate to your story—you are not alone! We are all here to support you through this. 

heartandwhole

[5tarla]

Sounds like my ex

Oh no  I'm sorry. I hope no one else has to go through this.

[5tarla]

Hi 5tarla 

Welcome to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, I know how painful it can be, especially when reality seems to shift from hour to hour. I'm so glad that you decided to write your story. As you said, it helps you to put what you've experienced into perspective, and it helps us to understand where you are coming from.

Although my romantic situation with pwBPD wasn't quite as complicated as your story, I can very much relate to so much of what you have written. I think a time-out is very wise. For me, some time to step back and get centered within myself was so critical. Everything had been about him for so long, I felt I had lost myself.

You mentioned your friends/family not looking kindly on this relationship, but it sounds like they really care and are looking after your well-being. Is that how you feel? I know for me, my friends and family didn't appear to understand how devastating the situation was for me, due to BPD, but they were very supportive and understood that this breakup required much more time and care than anything they expected.

What about a therapist, 5tarla? Have you thought of talking to someone about this? I found it very helpful, especially for helping me see how I was still trapped in "stinking thinking."

The resources on this site are outstanding, so I hope you will avail yourself of all the wisdom and help that are on the site. Here is an article that particularly floored me and helped me turn a corner toward healing during my breakup: 

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4) Belief that love can prevail

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

6) Clinging to the words that were said

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Keep writing. Our members can definitely relate to your story—you are not alone! We are all here to support you through this. 

heartandwhole

Thank you for the helpful links and kind words. I haven't considered going to a therapist, I guess because I know I'll survive this and I can see myself slowly but surely pulling myself out of this web. In a weird way, she sort of validated me by telling me she still missed me, and that she 'thought about it for a minute' when I asked to come see me. I know that's probably not a healthy way to look at it, but in a strange way it did help. And yeah my friends don't support the relationship at all anymore. They put up with a lot the whole time I was dating her, but I too lost myself in that relationship. I've never had that happen before. I had been single for awhile before we started dating and I thought I was healthy and prepared for something new. I never imagined in a million years that I would let myself be treated the way she had, but when it was good it was really good, and the only thing we ever fought about was stuff dealing with her ex(and little things she would blow out of proportion). Other than that I could only see the endless amount of potential we had. I've definitely learned from this though.

I'm going to read those links though. They already sound like me to a 't'. I made so many excuses for her.

[5tarla]

Another thing that hints at BPD to me that came from her mouth when we were talking is: She said, "I do miss you, but even when I love someone I can only see the worst aspects. It's my personality and I can't fix it overnight." This was in response to me saying I didn't think she was still angry if she is still saying she misses me. :/

Geez I hope she never finds this site because I'm using things word for word here .

[5tarla]

Could someone link me what the abbreviations for BPD mean? Like pwBPD and the others?

[heartandwhole]

Could someone link me what the abbreviations for BPD mean? Like pwBPD and the others?

Here ya go: What do all these abbreviations and terms mean?

[5tarla]

Could someone link me what the abbreviations for BPD mean? Like pwBPD and the others?

Here ya go: What do all these abbreviations and terms mean?

Thank you so much!