My partner told my adult son to leave

[Anny-One]

I am new to this, and I need some help... .

My husband died 2 years ago of Mesothelioma, it was a horrible way to go. Consequently I had a very hard time being his carer. I suffered much grief, anxiety attacks, depression and despair. A couple of months after his death I met a man who was funny and intelligent, with a large social group of friends. I wanted to  escape and hide from my grief so I started to date him. I didn’t see him through the week (but did speak on the phone and texted) and spent every weekend together. After a year we bought a house and moved in together. Wow, after only a couple of days the tantrums and controlling arguments started. After 5 day’s I was devastated. I though I have made a huge mistake. I no longer had my previous friends, as they were uncomfortable with my moving on. He is nice and lovely, then snap,  cruel and toxic. He is selfish, childish with no empathy.

I feel trapped as I put all my money into the new house and only work part time. I have learnt it is better to be non reactive to him, if he is cruel and insulting, just say calmly he is wrong and walk away. He also drinks a lot everyday, which makes him much worse. He takes antidepressants, but the alcohol is counter productive. When I ask him not to drink, he drinks more.

Well, 10 months have passed and his blow ups have reduced from everyday to once or twice a week. My adult son visited for the weekend last week from interstate, and my partner told him to piss off and leave. I got very defensive, as no one is going to come between me and my son. We left my partner alone for the rest of the day.

I took my son to the airport later that day, then went home. My partner was drinking and enraged. I left again. The next day when I saw him I gave him the choice of seeing a psychiatrist or I will leave him. He has gotten a referral and has promised to make an appointment next week.

I am having such a hard time of this. I feel so sick and haven’t really eaten for a week.  On one hand I want to give him a chance to get help, and on the other hand I am scared he won’t change. He says he loves me, but I am feeling very disconnected to him right now.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notgoneyet]

 Being a newbe here myself I can only tell you what has worked wonders in my life & dealing w my BP wife of 34 yrs.  We & specifictly Her have received GREAT Relief & Help from a therapist specailizing in PBD. I read the Book -(Stop walking on eggshells)  A Must Read . Also have received great relief from attending A-Anon meetings weekly(My wife is an alcoholic)
   You're not alone & God Bless

[Gemsforeyes]

My dear Annie-

I am deeply sorry for the painful loss of your beloved husband and the impact that loss has had on you and your family.

I want to welcome you to our BPD family.  You will find very supportive, knowledgeable  and caring friends here, many of whom will understand and have experiences that very closely reflect those that you're going through with your BF and his BPD behaviors.

First and MOST importantly, please Annie, I ask that you practice "self-care".  I am pretty sure that through the course of your dear husband's illness, you had to put your well-being second.  That really must stop now.  Please begin to eat healthy food, drink plenty of water and take yourself for walks just to clear your mind.  You do not need anyone's permission to care for yourself.  And your BF's reaction to taking care of yourself is "his" issue, not yours.  I understand that's a hard one if he's raging, but it's true.

Self-care also involves keeping your son close at hand and heart.  You were right on the mark to state clearly that no one will come between you and your son.  When things calm down, hopefully you'll be able to gently steer your BF into a clearer understanding of the importance of that relationship; and the fact that your son will be a constant presence in your life.

May I ask, what brought you to this site?  Has your BF been diagnosed with BPD, or did you find us through researching certain of his behaviors?

Now that you are here, you will see that there are a LOT of tools available to assist you in improving communication with your BF.  You can still (some of the time) say what you need to say, but there are ways to speak without him going off into outer space every time.

So I understand the situation and timing correctly, you met him  about 22 months ago and you've been in the new house together for 10 months.  He had a large circle of friends.  What is the status of those friends?  :)id you become friends with any of the women in that social circle?  :)oes he try to isolate you from others or do you socialize with people as a couple?

Also, if I'm understanding this properly, your previous friends made pretty rash judgements about the timing of your taking some time to live your life after caring for your husband.  I just want to validate you here, Annie.  No one, and I do mean No one, has the right to tell anyone else when she or he has mourned the proper amount of time.  I am so so sorry others placed their so-called standards on you.  No one knows unless they walked in your shoes for the miles of caretaking that you undertook.  We all mourn differently; and some of us experience a good portion of our deepest sadness WITH our loved one before they leave.  Shame on those friends... .

I do hope that a few of those past friendships can be revived.  If you feel that's not a possibility, then again, please keep the bond with your children and other family members strong.  As you move through this process, it's important for you to have a good support network.

Annie, you didn't "make a mistake".  You didn't know.  People who have BPD traits are generally able to fully mask these traits and behaviors for periods of time... .and then BOOM.  Hopefully your BF will take the step he has promised to seek help to improve himself and the relationship.  This is not a "quick fix".  And you cannot "fix" him.  He had these behaviors long before you met him, and you are NOT the cause of these behaviors.

Your feeling of disconnection is pretty natural at this point.  What you do need to know is that you have options.  There are ALWAYS options.  There is always hope.

Annie... .this is a very safe space for you to vent, pour out stream of consciousness thoughts, seek advice, etc., so please keep posting when you can.  You'll also find it helpful to read other people's posts, for both learning and to confirm that you are NOT alone on this journey.

Please take care of yourself.  Sorry to ramble (it's late, but I wanted to respond).

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Anny-One]

Thank you so much “notgoneyet” and “gemsforeyes”. Your replies helped me more than you could imagine.
I came to this site while researching BPD and joined up. I found lots of help on cancer and carer forum when my husband was dying.
My partners friends are now my friends too. They are very cross with him and are all very happy he is going to get help.
Today I am stil quiet and feeling sick, so I have had a day of reading (Walking on Eggshells) He is feeling worried, as I have never been like this before with him, but as I said, he crossed the line talking to my son the way he did. It is something I will never back down from. I told him I am feeling disconnected from him, and he said he feels that too. He is trying very hard to be very nice to me. I don’t like him right now at all, but am still answering him and doing things for him, as I want to see if he is willing to try and get help and hopefully want to work on himself too.
Thank you so much for your caring  and kind words. I don’t feel alone.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Annie-
I'm glad you've been able to take a bit of quiet time.  Out of curiosity, does your partner see the book you're reading?  Has he been diagnosed with BPD?

I'm really hoping he sticks to his promise to find the help he needs with an experienced therapist.  There ARE things you can do to improve communication, but I'm sure having a partner who participates in the process would be great.  Mine responds well to what I do, but if I drop that tool belt, everything collapses.

I'm also heartened to know that your new friends (those who know him) are supportive.  That is really important.  Please be careful not to allow isolation to become the order of the day.  I have become extremely isolated due to a combination of where I now live, my being in a new place when we met and the fact that he hates all people (well, except for me).

I don't know if this applies to you at all, but here goes.  I think about where I was emotionally when I met him (4.5 years ago).  I was fresh out of a 19-year marriage that ended abruptly and violently.  There was only one violent incident, and that was the night my marriage ended.  It was a devastating experience and I was not thinking right.  I fled my home, leaving my community, all my friends, my career, my volunteer work, my art, everything... .I lost a ton of weight, and was a shadow of my former self.   I waited 2 years before I considered dating and I met BPD BF straightaway.  He presented as my perfect prince, but it moved SO FAST.

I now understand that I did not manage the trauma of my loss properly (or the 8 months of torture that my ex-husband inflicted before I could leave).  That, combined with some childhood stuff has resurfaced, and I am weakening again.  I think my BF is a bit scared because I don't want to be around him right now. 

Annie, you have the right and you owe it to yourself to mourn your losses, be angry at your partner for "misbehaving" and feel your feelings.

It seems we are always expected to hold up the walls.  Sometimes our arms just get so tired, right?  Just need to shake those arms out for a few minutes, and ask our partners to place theirs arms up there and help us out.  Maybe I'll ask him to be "strong man" for me and do just that.  Silly thought, but a good visual... .

I hope you're feeling better today.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[pearlsw]

Hi AnnieC,

Oh my! You described the pain of these types of relationships so well! I really relate to that feeling of disconnectedness. With constant breakup threats, in my case, it is very hard to have normal relationship bonding. I despair of it ever stopping. I too am in a holding pattern waiting to see if he goes to psychiatrist. It's been a two week waiting process so far and still may or may not happen. It is so hard!

Do you think he'll be able to take this step? Is he back and forth about it? In my case, now that he knows it means something to me he gives/takes it away... .I'm overseas and in less control than I'd like to be about life... .for the time being at least.

My heart goes out to you!

warmly, pearl.

p.s. Thanks for sharing such a thoughtful reply Gemsforeyes and thanks too Notgoneyet I hope to hear more about you - sounds like you have a lot to share as well!

[Anny-One]

Thanks gemsforeyes and pearl for sharing.
My BF has made a appointment to see a psychiatrist this Friday, which I am very pleased about. He has been trying very hard to be nice to me, as I am still very disconnected. He was very mean to me yesterday, as I am still feeling sick, telling me to get over it and refusing to acknowledge he has done anything wrong. I know it is up to a professional to speak to him, but it is hard to be around him and have any emotions or pain as he just gets cross with me. He goes to hold my hand and I pull away. He is trying to reconnect, but I am scared I will never be able to have my son stay at my home again while I am with my partner.
A week ago I asked him to leave, which he refused. I feel trapped. I want him to get help before I leave too, as I am afraid he would be suicidal if I left.
I thought I should try and stay and be as normal as I can for 6 months to allow him time to get better. It is so hard to sleep in the same bed (we only have one bedroom) I don’t want to make him angry.
I am feeling ashamed.