First time facing extended family since separation, really hurting tonight.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi good people,

I feeling pretty low after a big holiday with my extended family, the first since my wife and I separated. I haven't heard from her in a while and we haven't had any meaningful conversation for at least a month. I just moved back to the town where my family lives and I'm waiting for my stuff to arrive at my new apartment. Living with my family has been a bit of a challenge (I wrote about this earlier), but now that that dust has settled I'm struggling with feeling emotional in front of people I love. I think my parents are pretty much over seeing me upset about things and I haven't felt like it's a good idea to tell them how much I miss her. My extended family was ok tonight, for the most part, though I had that one family member that cornered me and couldn't take the hint that I didn't want to talk about it. I finally had to just go upstairs for a bit alone and chill out because I was ready to burst into tears and I didn't want to make a scene.

Not celebrating the holiday with her was extremely hard. I haven't been around my extended family alone for years now and it was just awful to be without her. I miss her. I want to know how she's doing. I want to know she misses me, too.

But, this is likely BPD, so rationally I know that finding out how she's doing is probably a bad idea and that if she missed me, she'd reach out. I never said she couldn't contact me, but the likelihood that she would feels so low right now. She's away at a training for work for a month and half and she left before I moved out of our home (she had already moved out). When she returns to work, I will no longer be living in the state (I did this to protect myself from an inauthentic recycle - I would still reconcile, but only if she gets support).

It's killing me not to contact her. It's also the first of the month and she is supposed to send me money as part of our separation agreement, but I'm reluctant to reach out right away and remind her. For one, I want to give her a chance to do it herself without having to remind her (in a week, I'll have to put my foot down). For two, I don't want to use these logistics conversations as an "in" to talking to her.

I'm lost right now and don't feel like I have much support. Like I said, rationally I know it's not a good idea to get in touch. Even if she did talk to me, how would I trust anything she was saying? What if she said something hurtful? What if she lead me on? I know I'm better off not doing it. I know there's no going back to the way things were, even if it kills me to consider more holidays without her (let alone a life without her). Since I've moved, things are hitting me a lot harder, which I somewhat predicted. The distance from our life together, no matter how healthy, hurts like hell.

Just needed to vent here because I know you all understand. Everyone in my extended family is just as bewildered by what happened as I am and no one predicted her going off the deep end like this so quickly. She was so loved by my family and everyone is in the same place as me - just wishing her the support she deserves and hoping she's ok. I so badly just want to call her and beg her to snap out of it, but again, I know that won't do a thing. If anything, it could make things much worse.

I hate this.

[lighthouse9]

Hi good people,

I feeling pretty low after a big holiday with my extended family, the first since my wife and I separated. I haven't heard from her in a while and we haven't had any meaningful conversation for at least a month. I just moved back to the town where my family lives and I'm waiting for my stuff to arrive at my new apartment. Living with my family has been a bit of a challenge (I wrote about this earlier), but now that that dust has settled I'm struggling with feeling emotional in front of people I love. I think my parents are pretty much over seeing me upset about things and I haven't felt like it's a good idea to tell them how much I miss her. My extended family was ok tonight, for the most part, though I had that one family member that cornered me and couldn't take the hint that I didn't want to talk about it. I finally had to just go upstairs for a bit alone and chill out because I was ready to burst into tears and I didn't want to make a scene.

Not celebrating the holiday with her was extremely hard. I haven't been around my extended family alone for years now and it was just awful to be without her. I miss her. I want to know how she's doing. I want to know she misses me, too.

But, this is likely BPD, so rationally I know that finding out how she's doing is probably a bad idea and that if she missed me, she'd reach out. I never said she couldn't contact me, but the likelihood that she would feels so low right now. She's away at a training for work for a month and half and she left before I moved out of our home (she had already moved out). When she returns to work, I will no longer be living in the state (I did this to protect myself from an inauthentic recycle - I would still reconcile, but only if she gets support).

It's killing me not to contact her. It's also the first of the month and she is supposed to send me money as part of our separation agreement, but I'm reluctant to reach out right away and remind her. For one, I want to give her a chance to do it herself without having to remind her (in a week, I'll have to put my foot down). For two, I don't want to use these logistics conversations as an "in" to talking to her.

I'm lost right now and don't feel like I have much support. Like I said, rationally I know it's not a good idea to get in touch. Even if she did talk to me, how would I trust anything she was saying? What if she said something hurtful? What if she lead me on? I know I'm better off not doing it. I know there's no going back to the way things were, even if it kills me to consider more holidays without her (let alone a life without her). Since I've moved, things are hitting me a lot harder, which I somewhat predicted. The distance from our life together, no matter how healthy, hurts like hell.

Just needed to vent here because I know you all understand. Everyone in my extended family is just as bewildered by what happened as I am and no one predicted her going off the deep end like this so quickly. She was so loved by my family and everyone is in the same place as me - just wishing her the support she deserves and hoping she's ok. I so badly just want to call her and beg her to snap out of it, but again, I know that won't do a thing. If anything, it could make things much worse.

I hate this.

[Mutt]

Not celebrating the holiday with her was extremely hard. I haven't been around my extended family alone for years now and it was just awful to be without her. I miss her.

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It feels weird doesn’t it not being with your wife during the holidays. Maybe you’re thinking about how family members are looking at you wondering about what happened your ex, being single again has an adjustment period you probably spent most of the holidays together? I know lighthouse9 it sucks  holidays are a trigger for the first until you go through all if them without your ex it gets easier.

You have a good head your shoulders I agree with you that the money would look like a segway for contact waiting for a few days is a good idea you’ll feel better than you do today and you’ll be less vulnerable.  Take really good care of yourself. Hang in there.

[lighthouse9]

Thanks so much for the kind words Mutt. I've had the same experience with everyone who finds out that we split - they're just bewildered and shocked. It's somewhat reassuring that I didn't make the relationship and her love up, but it can be difficult to hear that and not go to a place of victimhood for myself, which I'm really resisting. Everyone is so concerned for her and has so much love for her and I just wish more than anything she was well enough to accept the love that we all want to offer her. They're all very understanding about mental illness and get it that she's likely doing the best she can, even though her best isn't enough for me or for "us." She wouldn't be the first person in our family to check out and then be let back in, if she ever decided to come back (and I let her). Still, I know she wasn't raised with that kind of love and forgiveness and understanding, so what seems normal to me likely just seems impossible to her.

When people burn bridges in my family, we tend to help them build them again if they really show remorse and desire to rebuild the bridges. Then we throw a party for the new bridge and celebrate its existence. I don't think I could ever communicate that to her, though I've tried. I've said it before and I'll say it again, shame is a powerful drug.

It's funny because one thing that has come out of our breakup is a renewed relationship with one of my cousins. We let politics stand between us for years, but have both chilled out as we've gotten older. It's been amazing to reconnect with him and I'm really grateful for the chance to spend time with him that I might not have spent if I would have been so focused on her or her family (her family comes to holidays with my family and always causes drama). I'm trying to balance my gratitude with my grief right now, as hard as it is.

[spero]

Hey there lighthouse9!

Dude, it must be really though to be where you are right now. I'm sorry things seem so bleak and down for you at the moment.

I haven't heard from her in a while and we haven't had any meaningful conversation for at least a month.

A month of seperation is really really recent and things would still be very fresh in your mind. I'm sorry that your extended family seems to have run out of "patience" trying to understand your situation. It must really feel lonely to not have support and not be understood even though you're in the midst of family members. It is as you say, difficult to be amongst your family without space to talk and pour out what you have experienced. lighthouse9, it is perfectly okay to cry and express how you feel. It would have been so much more painful to have bottled it up inside ... im sure.

Not celebrating the holiday with her was extremely hard. I haven't been around my extended family alone for years now and it was just awful to be without her. I miss her. I want to know how she's doing. I want to know she misses me, too.

There are no two ways to express these in words, but it really sucks to be missing someone you love, to know that you're rejected by the person you love so dearly and wanting to be wanted by a person who at the flick of a switch either want you or reject and push you far away. That kind of roller coaster must have surely placed a heavy burden mentally, emotionally and perhaps even physically.

But, this is likely BPD, so rationally I know that finding out how she's doing is probably a bad idea and that if she missed me, she'd reach out. I never said she couldn't contact me, but the likelihood that she would feels so low right now. She's away at a training for work for a month and half and she left before I moved out of our home (she had already moved out). When she returns to work, I will no longer be living in the state (I did this to protect myself from an inauthentic recycle - I would still reconcile, but only if she gets support).

It's killing me not to contact her. It's also the first of the month and she is supposed to send me money as part of our separation agreement, but I'm reluctant to reach out right away and remind her. For one, I want to give her a chance to do it herself without having to remind her (in a week, I'll have to put my foot down). For two, I don't want to use these logistics conversations as an "in" to talking to her.

It is really difficult to want to contact her but yet restrain from doing so. It is a terrible feeling more so when we are so emotionally attached to our significant other. As for sending her reminders, could you automate the process? like sending her an email without you having to respond on your end? Reading what you've shared so far, i do think that any response from her would probably trigger a wave of emotions on your end. Would it be as an extreme meassure possible to even engage legal services in order for her to fulfill her agreement with you? Just thinking out loud.

I'm lost right now and don't feel like I have much support. Like I said, rationally I know it's not a good idea to get in touch. Even if she did talk to me, how would I trust anything she was saying? What if she said something hurtful? What if she lead me on? I know I'm better off not doing it. I know there's no going back to the way things were, even if it kills me to consider more holidays without her (let alone a life without her). Since I've moved, things are hitting me a lot harder, which I somewhat predicted. The distance from our life together, no matter how healthy, hurts like hell.

Just needed to vent here because I know you all understand.

Hey, its okay to vent. Writing helps us process our thoughts and grief. I really do hope the best for you, that you would also be patient and giving yourself the care you need for your mental and emotional well being at this time. Let us know how you'd be doing over the next few days and i'll chime in again shortly.

Takeheart and takecare,

Spero

[Jeffree]

lighthouse9,

Sorry you're hurting right now.

But, hey, you want to see what you're missing, come to my house. Trust me, it ain't much.

I had nowhere to go for Easter for the first time in I can't remember how long. STBx brought leftovers from the place she went with SD22 (which is where we had gone the past few years) and slept over.

SD22 didn't want her to sleep in her huge king sized bed last night for some reason, so she slept where she normally does when she makes an impromptu stay, on my leather sofa that was made ratty by her and her horrible cats.

But, of course, to passively aggressively let me know this, she knocked on my door after I had settled in for the night and asked me where the blankets were. I offered to get up to find them, but being up on that cross so high, she said she could find them herself.

Now mind you, she moved out in Aug., her pipes burst in Jan., and she basically has no good options for sleeping accommodations. Yet she will still play the sympathy card with me, someone who, if she wasn't the kids' bio mom, could give a flying poop about her.

This is a long-winded way of me reminding you you're not actually missing anything. You might be missing what things were like in the good old days and missing anyone who can relate to what you've been through and going through on a day-to-day basis, but as for your ex... .

Trust me, you'll NEVER get a straight answer about how she's doing, and even if you do it isn't going to be anything you want to hear. It's the BPD, dude. That's just how they roll.

J

[lighthouse9]

Thanks for the support and perspective guys, I really appreciate it.

I just emailed her a gentle reminder about the money she is supposed to send this month. It's definitely triggering to get in contact with her and I've been waiting for her to send it, but I know that she won't do it without a reminder. I gave her a few days, and then decided to finally reach out because waiting on her is torturing me and I know very little good is going to come out of this situation except the possibility of me being in a better financial place if she does send the money.

I used BIFF to avoid any desire on my side to talk to her and ask how she's doing. If she wants to talk, she can reach out.

Am I wrong to think that this might be another control tactic of hers, even if she's not thinking about it that way? She's the one who wants the divorce and I've handled so many of our shared details in the uncoupling process, mainly to make my life easier and reduce the risk of her dysregulating more. I'm still not convinced that this isn't a manic phase that hasn't let up, though I know it doesn't really matter if it's BPD or bp, actions count. I wish I didn't have to reach out, and considered just forgetting about it, but taking the spousal support is one of those ways that I'm trying to put myself first in a fair way and discontinue enabling her.

[Jeffree]

Is the spousal support something that was verbally or legally agreed to?

J

[lighthouse9]

Signed document that we had written up together. No lawyers involved, but I have a few I can go to if things get ugly and one that has been informally advising me (she was the one who encouraged me to ask for this support and get it in writing). My ex is trying to do this without lawyers, and since she's been generous so far I have no reason not to go this way. If she doesn't follow through, I'll have to do the math to see if it's worth pursuing this with a lawyer. The money it takes to pay a lawyer may be close to what I would get from her over the next few months, so it might not be worth it.

[Jeffree]

OK. Well that seems like a reasonable expectation that she would give you money owed you per a signed document.

If it was just verbal, then fugeddaboutit.

Sorry for my questioning of the sitch. I had taken $15K out of my 401k to pay 1/2 of a debt STBx said she wanted to make right by me on by paying her 1/2 (which was really mostly her debt, actually, but it was in my name on my AMEX), only to have her renege on me because she "had to move out of the house" because she felt unsafe. Yeah, sure... .that's how real life works.

J

[lighthouse9]

Yikes Jeffree - that sounds awful!

I've been careful to get important things in writing and signed. I spoke to a lawyer early on and protected my finances before things got too bad.

She responded quickly today, as she usually does, and was quite courteous and even thoughtful/kind. I hate that I had to remind her, because it feels like part of a control game for her. But, I can't complain that she was kind after the fact. My best friend said it best - she's pushing my biggest button: indifference. By not making it a priority to handle this stuff herself, and then pretending like it's no big deal when I have to remind her, she's found my hook. If it was really no big deal, then she would handle it before I had to reach out. She always acts super organized and on top of things when I have to ask her for something, which always leaves me wondering why she wouldn't just handle the thing herself before I had to ask. You'd think a person that would want me out of her life so badly would do just that. More push pull maybe?

I'm glad I've blocked her from social media accounts and even deleted a few of my own to avoid keeping tabs on her. She stopped using social media for the most part near the end of our relationship, but then all of a sudden was back on a bunch of things and is active, so I excused myself from having to see those things. Last I heard, she was still married on Facebook (I blocked her) - but I asked people in my life to unfriend her and not give me updates, too. Even seeing that she changed her picture on her email (something she hasn't done for yearssss) triggered me. I imagine the personality overhaul is in full effect.