advice on dealing with my boyfriend

[Depression = 72% of members]

  Hello! This is my first post on this message board and I was hoping someone understands what I am going through and has any advice on how to help. My boyfriend has borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety and has an anger issue but he has never and would never hurt me. We were best friends for almost a year before starting to date 10 months ago. He has had a rough life and I think it adds to my problem. He used to talk every day as friends and when we began dating until he got covid back at the beginning of August. He has a lot of medical issues as well so he ended up in the hospital and I did not see him for 4 months. During that time the longest he went without messaging me was 11 days. When he got out of the hospital, I saw him but not as much as we used to see each other. On Christmas day, he got upset at me because I had said he had not told me Merry Christmas and did not look at things I sent in messages to him since the night before. He blew up at me acting like I had been bothering him all day and that I don't get people are busy and he called me a child. I explained to him I am not acting like a child and re explained what bugged me. He randomly decided to say he was done and tired of everything and stopped talking until 2 days later and I had asked what he meant by that. He said he does not know what he wants but he knows he can't handle it anymore and it is destroying him mentally and emotionally. I again asked him what he meant because he was talking like he wanted to break up with me and 3 days later he finally talked and made up accusations about me and again calling me a child for not understanding he needs time to himself because of mental issues and that his mom was getting evicted with nowhere to go and he had to deal with it and that he was close to cutting himself again over how he was feeling and everything. He also said I was being needy and clingy and he did not like that. (I have anxiety and depression and I have a really hard time with him not talking which is what I am here for). He said he did not know if he wanted a relationship because I am not happy and he wants me happy. He lives with his grandpa not his mother by the way. Also, I am happy with him just not the situations like what he puts me through. After saying that, he did not talk for 19 days! I literally thought he would never talk again and had ghosted me. I did not know if we were together or not anymore. I had sent him this long message telling him how I was feeling and that I felt he was ghosting on me. He responded with sad emojis but said nothing until the next day he randomly brought up a riddle for me to solve to find a gift and see him that weekend. He would only talk in clues or thumbs down emoji that day and 2 days later he continued with the clues. I solved it and he told me when to come that weekend. This was this past weekend. When I saw him he was his normal self with me and he gave me a giant stuffed sloth which I love. This is the first time he was able to give me a gift. The problem I have is that once I got home from his place and he said he was glad I made it home safe, he never talked again. This was 4 days ago. He does not read my messages right now or answer my calls which is how he was those 19 days he did not talk. I have no idea why he likes to shut down and isolate when he is upset with his mental issues. He self sabotages and pushes me away. I have told him it bothers me he does not talk because I need my boyfriend to talk to me every day again and I want to see him every week like I used to. I have no idea why he being this way and I do not want to break up with him. I only recently found out he has borderline and it explains how he is to a point. I want to know if anyone else has someone who does this especially one they are dating and if it bothers you as well. How do you handle it? How do I get him to listen to me and talk to me?

[queenofsuburbia]

  Hello! This is my first post on this message board and I was hoping someone understands what I am going through and has any advice on how to help. My boyfriend has borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety and has an anger issue but he has never and would never hurt me. We were best friends for almost a year before starting to date 10 months ago. He has had a rough life and I think it adds to my problem. He used to talk every day as friends and when we began dating until he got covid back at the beginning of August. He has a lot of medical issues as well so he ended up in the hospital and I did not see him for 4 months. During that time the longest he went without messaging me was 11 days. When he got out of the hospital, I saw him but not as much as we used to see each other. On Christmas day, he got upset at me because I had said he had not told me Merry Christmas and did not look at things I sent in messages to him since the night before. He blew up at me acting like I had been bothering him all day and that I don't get people are busy and he called me a child. I explained to him I am not acting like a child and re explained what bugged me. He randomly decided to say he was done and tired of everything and stopped talking until 2 days later and I had asked what he meant by that. He said he does not know what he wants but he knows he can't handle it anymore and it is destroying him mentally and emotionally. I again asked him what he meant because he was talking like he wanted to break up with me and 3 days later he finally talked and made up accusations about me and again calling me a child for not understanding he needs time to himself because of mental issues and that his mom was getting evicted with nowhere to go and he had to deal with it and that he was close to cutting himself again over how he was feeling and everything. He also said I was being needy and clingy and he did not like that. (I have anxiety and depression and I have a really hard time with him not talking which is what I am here for). He said he did not know if he wanted a relationship because I am not happy and he wants me happy. He lives with his grandpa not his mother by the way. Also, I am happy with him just not the situations like what he puts me through. After saying that, he did not talk for 19 days! I literally thought he would never talk again and had ghosted me. I did not know if we were together or not anymore. I had sent him this long message telling him how I was feeling and that I felt he was ghosting on me. He responded with sad emojis but said nothing until the next day he randomly brought up a riddle for me to solve to find a gift and see him that weekend. He would only talk in clues or thumbs down emoji that day and 2 days later he continued with the clues. I solved it and he told me when to come that weekend. This was this past weekend. When I saw him he was his normal self with me and he gave me a giant stuffed sloth which I love. This is the first time he was able to give me a gift. The problem I have is that once I got home from his place and he said he was glad I made it home safe, he never talked again. This was 4 days ago. He does not read my messages right now or answer my calls which is how he was those 19 days he did not talk. I have no idea why he likes to shut down and isolate when he is upset with his mental issues. He self sabotages and pushes me away. I have told him it bothers me he does not talk because I need my boyfriend to talk to me every day again and I want to see him every week like I used to. I have no idea why he being this way and I do not want to break up with him. I only recently found out he has borderline and it explains how he is to a point. I want to know if anyone else has someone who does this especially one they are dating and if it bothers you as well. How do you handle it? How do I get him to listen to me and talk to me?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You are in a relationship with an emotionally difficult partner and you have very different needs for closeness.

Though this article is more from the perspective of a family member, it’s a good overview of the difficulties with a BPD relationship.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Have you done any reading about codependency? Many of our members are codependents or caretakers. It sounds like this might apply to you as well.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

[queenofsuburbia]

Hello! Thanks for replying! I will look at those links you sent and see if they help! I do feel like I can be codependent on my bf. I think I need to work on it. If you have any other advice or resources, let me know!

[babyducks]

 I want to know if anyone else has someone who does this especially one they are dating and if it bothers you as well. How do you handle it? How do I get him to listen to me and talk to me?

Hello and Welcome,

You made a brave step to post for the first time.    I always felt that making the effort of getting my thoughts organized and down in a written format helped me feel better.

I was hoping to toss out a couple of ideas to maybe kick around.    

First - yes the push/pull behavior is very normal with pwBPD (people with BPD) as they struggle to regulate harmfully intense emotions and feelings of abandonment and engulfment.    Its very hard to experience.    Silent treatment is actually considered a form of verbal abuse, which I know is hard to wrap your head around.    How can silent treatment be verbal abuse?    It gives some one else power of the conversation, the engagement, the way dialog flows back and forth.    Please let me be very clear that I am NOT suggesting you tell this to your BF.   This is information only for you.    As you consider tools and skills that may help deal with the behavior know that its very normal to be upset and disturbed by the push/pull.    The confusion you have is normal.

  He said he does not know what he wants but he knows he can't handle it anymore and it is destroying him mentally and emotionally.

It sounds like when he becomes emotionally overwhelmed he retreats.   You probably know by now that pwBPD have harmfully intense emotions that fluctuate rapidly and maladaptive ways of coping with them.   When things get to much for him he backs away.     I would suggest you do NOT want to over pursue him.   Over Pursuing,  adding emotions to the situation will likely make him more dysregulated not less.   which it sounds like you experienced when you returned to the conversation after 3 days.   It takes longer for a pwBPD to return to emotional baseline (a calm steady state) and its harder for them to maintain it.

How do you handle it?

First, work to understand that this is not personal.   It may feel extremely personal but its very unlikely that he is directing this at you intentionally.    The way he processes life and emotions is very different than the way you do and he is working to creating a sense of emotional safety for himself.  

How do I get him to listen to me and talk to me?

There are communications skills and tools that you can use to help facilitate more productive talks.   You can't make him listen to you,   and you can't make him talk to you.    Which is I know isn't really what you want to hear.   The skills and tools located in the Lessons thread of this board outline places to start.   Working on validation, SET, JADE, and other communication building tools can create a potential for more understanding.     This is work for you - again something you may not want to share until you have a better understanding and feel more comfortable.  

I notice Cat Familiar linked you to two of the lessons.     What questions did they bring up for you?

'ducks

[queenofsuburbia]

 Hello! Thanks for your reply! My bf does like to isolate and go silent when he is in his moods. Thanks for letting me know that this is normal and that it isn't personal! I looked at the links and I have a couple questions. I can tell from the codependent one that I am codependent, but I want to work on that. I also do not understand why I am this way. With the other article about being a caregiver, it worries me that I am not emotionally stable enough to be in this role with him, but I really do not want to lose him. I know who he is and I love him for that. I do not want to leave him because he has BPD. Everyone has flaws and many have mental illnesses and I think people should not be punished and broken up with because of an illness they have. If you guys have any advice on how to improve my relationship, I would appreciate it! I hope I can work on myself with the codependent thing and maybe that is partly a way to improve it. I am also wondering if because he has BPD, if this unstableness in our relationship will be this way until we either break up or if we stay together, one of us dies. Does anyone have a successful romantic relationship with people with BPD?

[babyducks]

Hello queenofsuburbia

  I can tell from the codependent one that I am codependent, but I want to work on that. I also do not understand why I am this way.

codependent is a big umbrella term, sort of like arthritis... it covers a lot of territory.    what my experience has been is that typically there are reasons we get into these types of relationships, and then fight so hard to stay in them.     after reading literally hundreds of posts over years here one of the things we have in common as a group is that the early idealization phase is a huge hook.   we have our own high validation needs.     what seems to be true over all and certainly was for me was that when my partner thought I was wonderful, her soul mate, the greatest thing ever I seem to attach to that in a very deep way.   it was also true that when she 'split' and I became horrible, abusive, dangerous and angry I felt that very deeply too.     It was intensely personal work for me to understand that regardless if my partner felt I was wonderful or horrible I was the same basic person and that I was okay.     in a way fixing her perception of me was a (not healthy) way to fix myself.

With the other article about being a caregiver, it worries me that I am not emotionally stable enough to be in this role with him, but I really do not want to lose him.

this is where I would suggest you dig in and work to identify self care routines,  what can you do to improve your resilience, how can you build yourself up, or how to recharge your batteries.     therapy for you might be a good place to look, just to have outside support.   coming here and posting regularly will help.  and don't overlook the diet and exercise portion of self care.   often we are not good at caring for ourselves.

Does anyone have a successful romantic relationship with people with BPD?

it depends how you describe successful.      there are many regular posters here who are still with the romantic partners that brought them to this website.  I don't happen to be one of them.   my relationship didn't survive the stress of the illness.     many of them made significant changes to their own approach to relationships, many of them worked to adapt.    its a very personal decision to stay or go.   its good to take a long hard look at what you are committing too.   by its very nature this site tends to attract people in crisis.   relationship crisis's are hard to survive.

have your heard from your bf recently?

'ducks

[queenofsuburbia]

 I am currently in therapy, I just do not get appointments that often. I do have an appointment this Thursday though. I try to do self care and I take medicine for my own anxiety and depression. I have no idea why I fixate on my boyfriend though. I have heard from him yesterday and he wants to see me this upcoming Saturday. I feel like we could work if I learn how to communicate with him and work on my own things like the codependency and see if he is willing to do couple's therapy at the very least. He refuse therapy for himself though. We are good together when he is doing good. It is just when he isn't doing good we have problems and I only recently realized he has BPD so I am learning about it and how to be in a successful relationship with someone who has it. To me a successful relationship is when we last and find happiness again. I saw one poster on here yesterday give a 4 year update where they are still with their husband and they are doing great now. That is my goal with my boyfriend. I came here to learn more about BPD and people who are like me and dealing with a loved one who has it so I find people who understand because many in my life tell me to leave him because they think I deserve better. They don't know the man I love or our relationship. It is a mental illness and it is not his fault. You know? I love him unconditionally and I know he loves me the same. I just wish I can get him to find a way to help himself that is not isolating himself.