Lying, Name Calling, now this

[iamconfused]

Its really been a bad week with my bf.  I think the raging started when we were at the bank together.  My bank is changing their checking account options, so I needed to pick a new one.  The manager and I were discussing options, my daily balance, my monthly spending, etc.  I felt uncomfortable with BF being there so close that he can hear things.  In fact the hairs went up on the back of my neck, but I shrugged it off.  I know deep down this was a huge mistake - It just seemed so 'normal' at the time.  We live out in the country and will often drive into town together and get lots of errands done.

BF cannot manage money at all.  It seems to burn holes in his pockets and he will be short when the bills come in.  I have loaned him a few thousand in the past 8 months that he has yet to pay any back.  So I made it clear that I can't loan him any more money till he pays me back.

So he hears the money talk with the bank manager and realizes (decides) that I do have money I can loan him.

We get in the car and he tells me that he is desperate to buy supplies for a job he is working on.  He only needs a hundred.  Then he can finish the job and get paid - and pay me back.  Oh how I am kicking myself now - he looked pretty desperate.  So I cave and give him the money.  I know.  I am STUPID.

I give him the money and he drives the the liquor store and buys cigs and beer.  Then he goes to a friends house - runs in, and runs out.  I know he just bought some pot.

Not one penny of that money went towards supplies for the job he is working on.

I call him on it.  "Why did you say you needed supplies when you didn't need any?"  He says, "why do you have to be such a btch?"

One of my boundries is not putting up with the name calling.  Typically I will walk away after telling him that I will talk when you stop the name calling.  Here I am stuck in the car with no where to go.  So I have this big idea.  I laugh now... .  

I tell him yes, I am a btch.  You know it, I know it, thats the way it is, now move on.

You know, that shut him up!  He didn't know what to say.  We get home in relative peace.

I go in the house to my office and put my purse on my desk.  I sit down and got to work on the computer.  You know what he did?

He came into the room, looked me right in the eye, and pushed my purse off my desk to the floor.

This is what a 6 year old boy would do in 1st grade!  Really, knocking my purse to the floor?  big ouch.

I laugh and throw my hands up every time I picture him doing that.  What the heck?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

That is classic addict behavior, does he have issues with drink or pot, apart from BPD problems?

What you did was intermittent reinforcement, that will make your boundary even harder to enact in the future.

Not lending him money will have to be on a 'wont' basis rather than "can't"  or you will be called on it.

It really is important not to raise issues while you are in a car, as there is no escape, and they know it, it always escalates and ends badly.

Sometimes it is hard to hold those frustrations back though.

How many of us have wished we had an ejector seat in our cars !

[waverider]

I go in the house to my office and put my purse on my desk.  I sit down and got to work on the computer.  You know what he did?

He came into the room, looked me right in the eye, and pushed my purse off my desk to the floor.

This is what a 6 year old boy would do in 1st grade!  Really, knocking my purse to the floor?  big ouch.

I laugh and throw my hands up every time I picture him doing that.  What the heck?

By the way this is what my my partner does, she has to hide the TV remote or break something or tear something up. Always something trivial, usually ends up with me cracking up laughing

[briefcase]

iamconfused,

You sound quite frustrated, and understandably so.      Waverider asks a great question - does he have some addiction problems?  It sounds like he does.

I wouldn't do any banking with him around in the future.  It's a very good idea to keep your money seperate from his.   

Take some time read through the Lessons if you haven't already, and keep us posted.   

[Tigerabbit]

Oh my goodness, iamconfused... .  how well I can relate! So sorry you have to deal with this type of behavior, too.

My pwBPD has pushed my purse off things, tossed it across the room, and awhile back chucked across his yard, over his fence into the commercial building behind his house, which caused damage to my phone (I couldn't even find the back to it!).

And I've been called about every name in the book, the worst things you could imagine. It's pretty awful to deal with this stuff, and I've tried drawing boundaries like you and saying I will talk when you can treat me respectfully, but sometimes it's very hard for me to be strong in that. So good for you in doing that!

I also completely relate with the money thing. It's sad because I wish I could be comfortably open with him about my finances, but I know it will just cause tension. I've don't know how much money I've "loaned" to him and have never seen back (though he will claim that he spent all his college money on me and eating out, when he always PRESSURED me to eat with him when I couldn't afford to, and in fact most of that money was spent on weed and booze, addictions he also blames on me, but that's another story).

And you are so right, he always reminds me of a little boy throwing a BIG temper tantrum. Seriously crazy making... .  I don't know why I put up with it. 

[laelle]

I can relate to this as well.  If you let them know you have a dime, they wont be happy until they get it.  After all, you arent in as desperate situation as them and they need it more.  

[Auspicious]

Reading the Lessons is a great place to start.

Yes, his behavior is bad. But you can't control his behavior. You can only control your behavior - your choices.

You've chosen to be with someone who behaves as he does. You chose to have him with you when you were at the bank. You chose to loan him more money.

You recognize that your choices have poor outcomes - "So I cave and give him the money.  I know.  I am STUPID." - but you make them anyway. What do you think might be behind that?  You aren't stupid, so why are you making these choices? That's something you might explore, possibly with a therapist of your own.

We teach people how to treat us. Yes, pushing your purse off the desk is silly. It's also offensive, a way of striking out at you, and a demonstration of power. By putting up with it, you teach him that this is an OK way for him to express his frustration with you.

Does he have any history of physical violence?

[iamconfused]

I know better than anyone that I have made this choice, but I initially made a choice without knowing all the facts.  I keep making this choice now because now I feel stuck.

My BF drinks and smokes bot pot and cigs every day.  I will say he his addicted to all three.  I have seen him go without the pot only because he didn't have the money to buy more and until he lied about needing money, I would not give him any.

We have a business together.  It is our only source of income.  I know how to budget my income and he doesn't.  I don't feel its justified to drain my savings so I am not as giving as I was in the past.

I have been going through lessons and have used boundries in the past.  It works for me, but him pushing my purse off my desk is something I don't know how to handle.  Deep down I worry this is a beginning to abuse.  I have no control over him, and I am not sure how to react in the future.  Believe me that if he ever put his hands on me I will dial  911.  I am very worried that this is exactly what might happen in the future.

[Auspicious]

I keep making this choice now because now I feel stuck.

Again, this is a good reason for us to see a therapist for ourselves, to help us navigate through this. Many of us, including myself, have found that very helpful!

[Mara2]

I agree- seeing a therapist for yourself really does help.  I used to think, well I'm not the one throwing things so I don't have a problem.  Ha Ha Ha! 

In my case H throwing things and breaking things did turn physical so that I had to leave twice and have him arrested once.  After he was arrested the physical abuse ended and he even tried to watch the verbal abuse.  But it was what I learned in therapy about myself and why I do not set boundries that really helped. 

When we met and married I had no clue about his dx.  It was my choice to put up with it and hide it from others- like they didn't know!  When I finally figured out what was going on I was able to make a clear choice of whether or not I would stay in this rs.  I chose to stay, but gave him very clear boundires.  He would sometimes try to goad me by saying that if he didn't tow the line I would call the cops.  To which I would cheerfully reply "darn tootin'!" 

Please consider carefully your choices and make the best choice for yourself, not him or anyone else.  You are worth it.