Never hear from them again because it brings them shame? another failure?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Nicco- It's eerie to see how similar we all feel and even scarier to realise just how similar our stories all are!

[Tryingnottoslip]

Nicco- It's eerie to see how similar we all feel and even scarier to realise just how similar our stories all are!

[starshine]

Do some of them go off the grid permanently because they know? they realize that they are the ultimate reason that the relationship failed?

I totally believe that for some people, they do "go off the grid permanently" because they carry a lot of shame about how the r/s ended.  And it's WAY too scary and vulnerable for them to have ANY contact because that would mean in some way having to acknowledge the existence of the person whom they have hurt so much.

My former partner severed all communication w/ me. Two of my good friends emailed him and told him what THEY thought of his cruel discard. They "stood" for me as witnesses. That was really important to me, and it was a way of saying to him: "You have been seen. People know what you did." I know that he respected my circle of friends -- and rightly so -- my friends and family are people of integrity, not the kind to trash people, really caring people who try to live a conscious, loving life. Knowing that these people see him for who he is, I know that he wouldn't have the courage to initiate any further contact with me... .he KNOWS he did something really wrong. And I believe he has gone into hiding because he could never face me or them. He does not have the emotional skills to own his part or to apologize but he knows he did something very very hurtful.

This is great- how affirming and validating to know your friends had your back and called him out on his bad behavior.  It can feel like no one saw what happened to you, and it's nice to know that he knows that people know he's a schmuck.  See, even though he may go around and tell stories of how it's not his fault, he knows it is and other people know it is too.  Nice to have friends in your corner.   

[ucmeicu2]

I haven't heard a peep from her in 2 years. I have not contacted her and I have made it extraordinary clear to never contact me again. I know she's moved on, has had sex with numerous men, traveled etc. I don't know anything else, these are things I've heard from friends. She actually still communicates with my family albeit they were never close. 

I never got any closure and I never heard from her again.  :)o some of them go off the grid permanently because they know? they realize that they are the ultimate reason that the relationship failed?  I have heard up to high heaven that Bpd is a shame-based disorder... .is this another shameful scenario that they run away from?  Or could it simply mean, I didn't mean sh!t to her and I was expunged from her memory.

I don't know what to think exactly, it's a conglomeration of thoughts, a heterogenous mixture of just "She hasn't contacted me because she feels shame, maybe she doenst care, maybe my boundaries have made it clear"

i'd never presume to tell you to stop thinking about her... .i don't think it's "bad" per se, but i would rhetorically ask why you are wondering "what to think exactly"  <shrug> when you made it extraordinarily clear not to contact you.  whatever her reason(s), consider yourself extradordinarily fortunate!  you set a boundary and she ~ so far ~ has respected it.  what else is there to think?

[Changingman]

Lucky you, they may fear exposure of their condition, may need to get rid of you to start new lies, you may remind them of the central untruth of their life, or all of the above.

Dodged a bullet, your body knows this, you haven't processed it yet. Trauma is what we're going through. Trauma that we have been through in the past is with us again. This is tough love, without the love. Stronger I say.

You were in denial of the danger you were in, vulnerable to a preditor=anxiety... .yikes.

They have betrayed us in such an extreme way, they will do it forever. Have done it forever. They shred RSs like a grenade, everyone gets a bit. This is not sustainable over time.

[ucmeicu2]

Lucky you, they may fear exposure of their condition, may need to get rid of you to start new lies, you may remind them of the central untruth of their life, or all of the above.

Dodged a bullet, your body knows this, you haven't processed it yet. Trauma is what we're going through. Trauma that we have been through in the past is with us again. This is tough love, without the love. Stronger I say.

You were in denial of the danger you were in, vulnerable to a preditor=anxiety... .yikes.

They have betrayed us in such an extreme way, they will do it forever. Have done it forever. They shred RSs like a grenade, everyone gets a bit. This is not sustainable over time.

changingman, you (like so many others here) are such a great writer... .great style.  BPD seems to be drawn to this type of person... .i mean, all the posts here are clearly written by quite intelligent and gifted people!

in bold, yikes indeed.  confession:  half the time i'm STILL in denial about the danger i was in.  but my subconscious?  i guess it always knew?  i remember one dream towards the final demise of my xBPD r/s... .i was petting this big german shepherd... .so friendly and beautiful, i was petting it, dog liked it, then i was hugging it, it was all good... .when suddenly it started growling at me.  scary sound, terrified me.  i tried soothing it, to calm it down, to realize i was no threat... .i was afraid for my life! guess what i called it when i was soothing it?  xBPDgf's name!       

woke up sweating, heart racing from that one.  i don't remember too many dreams long term but that one sure stays with me.

[Pretty Woman]

I actually made the mistake of telling her she had BPD and she still came back!

.

I think she might have thought bi-polar.  I don't know if my ex was actually diagnosed. All I know is every fight she would use psych terms like that I was "push pulling her" being "passive-agressive" and "projecting"

All terms I am sure her ex who is a psychiatrist (ha) was using on her in their relationship in an attempt to help.

[Changingman]

Yes ucmeicu2,

Thanks, I really like some of the writing styles on these boards, but all the writing is amazing. Might have gone mad if not.

Still processing lots of subconscious signals, I have more respect for it now, very protective of us.

Love that Dream,

there, there ********, it's ok ********, you are loved here, its all good, safe, its ok *****

GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRERRRRRRRRRR!

Ha, so true really funny... .Good luck ucmeicu2 you are shown love here

GGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

[Suzn]

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