Boundaries now and then, learnings

[KE151]

I've realized that I have been drawn to "dangerous" women in the past as well, not just the two BPD experiences during the last few years.

In my early twenties during university years I dated/met women who now in hindsight were clearly PD or traited towards PD. Back then, I recognized the red flags quickly and walked away. This happened many times. I remember thinking "she's nuts" or "she's bad for me" etc. I then met my exwife who became the mum of my kids and we were together for 15 years, most of them happy. One of the reasons we broke up was that one of our children died as a baby and the grief pulled us apart.

I'm thinking... . the bereavement probably triggered some deep FOO issues of mine, and the divorce and the subsequent r/s with a BPD(queen) followed, and my grand slam was completed with another BPD r/s after that. I saw the red flags in both r/s's and ignored them. I wouldn't have in the past. My BPDs broke through all of my boundaries until I had had enough, but it took a real beating to get me there.

The question is... . what if my son hadn't died and we hadn't divorced... . would my FOO stuff still be in my unconscious now, instead of constantly in my frontal lobe like it is now? Would I feel better than what I'm feeling now, or would I be unhappy? Living the busy life with a great career and shallow problems? Not having to think about who I am and where I'm headed? Not knowing why I was unhappy with life? Would I have lived my life like that until... . when?

[dontknow2]

KE151,

I am so sorry about your child. I can't imagine. 

Clearly it is impossible to answer your questions but to guess... . based upon your pre-disposition towards the 'off', I think you would have faced FOO stuff eventually anyway but maybe not to the same extreme or speed. In my situation, I went through years of rage and torment with my dxBPDh and even a hospitalized suicide attempt; never facing anything. It wasn't until I started getting really upset for little reason at work that I got therapy. Therapy is where some of my FOO stuff started to flush. Yet, I didn't hit a FOO home run until my last break-up (again) with my dxBPDh... . reliving the pain from my father's rejection with the combination of my husband's rejection.

I believe waking up would have happened to me eventually in any life scenarios because deep down, that's what I wanted to do.

[dharmagems]

Somebody told me that life hits you with circumstances constantly and repetively.  Either you keeping playing out the disfunction with addictions or distructive behavior or you wake up.  But waking up requires you to get through deep scary stuff that you spent your whole life masking or hiding or denying.  It takes tremendous courage and consciousness to go through it.  Also it takes self kindness and compassion.  After that, it's a rebirth of a new stronger and wiser you and things start working in flow.

[fromheeltoheal]

I think that's the gift of a relationship with a borderline, the way the disorder serves us.  Mine had that way they do of turning everything around, making everything my fault, blame, projection, never taking responsibility, all the thrills, so when I left her I was already predisposed to focusing on my part, more accurately what I had done wrong.  Then I got here, learned about the disorder, and most importantly learned about the loaded bond we had created, with me as complicit as her in its creation. 

So I was set up to look at my stuff, motivated by pain, which is the good news. Everything happens for a reason, and my ex showed up at a time when I needed her to, had lessons to learn, growth to do, and there's nothing better than pain to make us really look deeply inside.  The last year has been a profound growth spurt, but also very uncomfortable as I sit with new understandings, my priorities have all changed, life seems different now.  I've got a few more wrinkles, but also an enthusiasm for the future, like I've gotten answers to questions I'd been asking forever.  Didn't go into the relationship thinking that's what I wanted or needed, but gifts come in strange packages sometimes; thanks BPD.

[KE151]

Thanks guys for reading and commenting.

Well, I'm inclined to think I had good boundaries 20 years ago, but the trauma of losing my son shook me to the core. I felt really vulnerable in the aftermath of the bereavement, and the divorce from my healthy ex. We all know BPDs smell the blood when it comes to vulnerability. I couldn't AND wouldn't walk away despite the BPD stuff like I would have before. I was on my knees already. My BPD1 entered my life when I was in mental carnage already. She just did the honors of a neck shot to put me out of my emotional misery.

And instead of recovery after that r/s I went into another abusive r/s despite knowing it wasn't good for me. No wonder it's taking me ages to get back on my feet again.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey KE151, I think you hit the nail on the head. Many marriages do not survive the death of a child. The grief and other emotions of losing your child and then ending your marriage clearly left you vulnerable.

As to your original question about how life would be different, who knows? Most people get by with their learned coping strategies, and maybe it's only when they aren't working well enough for us that we are then forced to figure out the underlying issues?

Maybe when we get beat down and traumatized emotionally, sometimes we don't have the emotional resilience to do what's best for our own well-being? Perhaps this is where trusted support of family and friends can make a difference, I don't know for sure.

[ucmeicu2]

I think that's the gift of a relationship with a borderline, the way the disorder serves us.  Mine had that way they do of turning everything around, making everything my fault, blame, projection, never taking responsibility, all the thrills, so when I left her I was already predisposed to focusing on my part, more accurately what I had done wrong.  Then I got here, learned about the disorder, and most importantly learned about the loaded bond we had created, with me as complicit as her in its creation. 

hi H2H, can you talk more about the loaded bond or point me to a resource?  is it the same as a trauma bond? 

i was just reading here this morning, i think someone said only the Non felt the trauma bond and all it's pain & suffering, not the pwBPD.  ?

thnx!

icu2

[fromheeltoheal]

hi H2H, can you talk more about the loaded bond or point me to a resource?  is it the same as a trauma bond?  

i was just reading here this morning, i think someone said only the Non felt the trauma bond and all it's pain & suffering, not the pwBPD.  ?

Hi YouSeeMe-

I got that from this article originally: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

It totally rang true for me, and as I dug a little further and landed on Schemas, I learned about the Lonely Child Schema and all the ins and outs of that, and more rang true.

The reasoning I see is that we both bring our traumas to the relationship, and the bond we create becomes 'loaded' because they are compatible traumas and feed off each other.

I grew up in a loving environment, although it didn't feel like it at the time: my parents are British, very stiff upper lip, plus they had their own issues, so little to no emotional communication growing up, although I learned later that they both loved me very much.

So I don't have a bunch of repressed crap that needs to be dug up and processed, I've dug and there's a little there, definitely some narcissistic traits, but I'm a reasonably healthy human, if I do say so myself.  What I've been focusing on lately is what I wasn't getting in the relationship, or in my FOO for that matter: validation, compassion and empathy.  Just knowing that and looking at all of my relationships, romantic and otherwise, through that lens has been profound already, and they're benefiting from it.  The kick in the butt I got from my borderline experience is what I needed.  Forward... .