Don't know where I am with detachment? :(

[Climbmountains91]

Right now I don't know where I am with the whole detachment thing. I know deep down it's the best thing to do for both of us but I just tend to feel a lot worse when not in his life and being in contact. Maybe I felt worse when I was. I'm so confused right now because I always come to the conclusion that I am so in love with this man despite the horrible stuff he's done to me and people can say otherwise that it is love on my part because I generally do care and love this man. Gawd I just want to look after him and take away his pain. I'd do anything for him. Corny I know. My ultimate goal with this detachment is to maybe (wishful thinking) "get him back" hoping one day he'll see the light, start missing me and yeah. He says when we haven't been in contact for a while he starts missing me. Don't know how to true that is. Pfft

I imagine in a few years we'll be together and living together with our daughter and he'll be in recovery, trying to make it up to me everyday even though he doesn't have to make anything up to me. I love him. But this is me living in fantasy world. It always gives me hope when he says "your everything I want in a woman, I love you but just not in that way anymore". How can that give anyone hope but to me it does. He says when his better it will be different.

I'd wait for him forever I can't even look at another guy in that way anymore. Even if they are good looking nice guys. I feel repulsed. People say "let it go" and i just cant seem to, i dont think i actually want to. :/

It's like some days I want to detach and somedays (most days) I don't I feel like I'm giving up, abandoning him. I wish I could write him an email tell him how I feel but he'll only pick out the negatives and you know what BPDs are like with it all.

Don't know if anyone else has felt this?

[Deeno02]

Im a month and a half into b/u and 23 days NC.Yearcand a half together.  I think about her all the time. Think about her 5  kids all the time, think about how the new guy has replaced me so quick (couple days later), i dread seeing her, i dread running into them in town, i feel guilt, i feel ashamed, i feel dead inside, but i know i couldnt survive her abuse. Slowly detaching, but in fear. She still presents herself as she lives in my subdivision and has started to walk her dog past my house again for some reason. She also coaches my sons volleyball team. So i cant not see her. Had a vad day yesterday,  today not so bad. I wrote a letter to her. I didnt send it. I keep all that stuff and re-read it everytime i falter and want to reach out. I have to remind myself of the bad, because it outweighs the good. Hang in there.

[Mr Hollande]

Right now I don't know where I am with the whole detachment thing. I know deep down it's the best thing to do for both of us but I just tend to feel a lot worse when not in his life and being in contact. Maybe I felt worse when I was. I'm so confused right now because I always come to the conclusion that I am so in love with this man despite the horrible stuff he's done to me and people can say otherwise that it is love on my part because I generally do care and love this man. Gawd I just want to look after him and take away his pain. I'd do anything for him. Corny I know. My ultimate goal with this detachment is to maybe (wishful thinking) "get him back" hoping one day he'll see the light, start missing me and yeah.

Withdrawal. You have that because you were in contact and allowed someone so sick to get too close. Continue that contact and the withdrawal will be there for you again next time he walks out on you over some BS. As the saying here goes, if you're going through hell then keep walking.

I imagine in a few years we'll be together and living together with our daughter and he'll be in recovery, trying to make it up to me everyday even though he doesn't have to make anything up to me. I love him. But this is me living in fantasy world. It always gives me hope when he says "your everything I want in a woman, I love you but just not in that way anymore". How can that give anyone hope but to me it does. He says when his better it will be different.

You imagine wrong. If you could take his words and turn them upside down you see the maggot riddled rot that dwells behind. If ever he tries to charm you with his false words again then run. Easier said than done but going back only brings more confusion, more doubt and more pain. Run!

I'd wait for him forever I can't even look at another guy in that way anymore. Even if they are good looking nice guys. I feel repulsed.

He got to you deep, didn't he? When you feel repulsed you should feel repulsed by him and the harm he's done to you. Never mind other men right now. That's far too early to even consider so just put it aside. Focus on you and what you need right now.

It's like some days I want to detach and somedays (most days) I don't I feel like I'm giving up, abandoning him. I wish I could write him an email tell him how I feel but he'll only pick out the negatives and you know what BPDs are like with it all.

Good! That to me signifies progress. You know the result of such an effort. Learn to accept it and stick with it. The road to recovery lies there.

Don't know if anyone else has felt this?

Yes. Some here have PHD's in it. You're in the right place. Keep posting!

[fromheeltoheal]

Might as well be honest; it seems you aren't detached at all.  Whenever you associate more pain to letting him go than not, you will stay stuck.  When we ruminate and process we are literally rewiring our brain; what are you rewiring your brain for?  What helped me the most was to consciously shift my focus from her to me and from the past to the future, a future of my own design, and a definite upgrade from the past.  And then take steps in that direction, one step at a time.  After we notice some progress we gain momentum, and what was at first a distraction to avoid the past becomes our lives, free of disordered people.  Finally letting go is hard, it means extinguishing that last glimmer of hope that the relationship will work out, and it's up to us to decide if our lives are better without that relationship or not, and if it isn't, we now have a goal.  Take care of you!

[Blimblam]

Right now I don't know where I am with the whole detachment thing. I know deep down it's the best thing to do for both of us but I just tend to feel a lot worse when not in his life and being in contact. Maybe I felt worse when I was. I'm so confused right now because I always come to the conclusion that I am so in love with this man despite the horrible stuff he's done to me and people can say otherwise that it is love on my part because I generally do care and love this man. Gawd I just want to look after him and take away his pain. I'd do anything for him. Corny I know. My ultimate goal with this detachment is to maybe (wishful thinking) "get him back" hoping one day he'll see the light, start missing me and yeah. He says when we haven't been in contact for a while he starts missing me. Don't know how to true that is. Pfft

I imagine in a few years we'll be together and living together with our daughter and he'll be in recovery, trying to make it up to me everyday even though he doesn't have to make anything up to me. I love him. But this is me living in fantasy world. It always gives me hope when he says "your everything I want in a woman, I love you but just not in that way anymore". How can that give anyone hope but to me it does. He says when his better it will be different.

I'd wait for him forever I can't even look at another guy in that way anymore. Even if they are good looking nice guys. I feel repulsed. People say "let it go" and i just cant seem to, i dont think i actually want to. :/

It's like some days I want to detach and somedays (most days) I don't I feel like I'm giving up, abandoning him. I wish I could write him an email tell him how I feel but he'll only pick out the negatives and you know what BPDs are like with it all.

Don't know if anyone else has felt this?

I can relate to this. I decided 6 months ago to move on and even still some days it creeps back for me to go into bargaining. I loved my ex with more than I thought was possible. I would think back in fact today I was thinking back to this moment where I got scared and made a decision that changed te entire relationship when I had a moment of doubt if I could I back and change I would but I can't and I don't know if it would make a difference. I miss her still I love her still. I don't know if that love will ever go away. But in here now healing slowly.

Everything you are feeling is ok. If it takes you 2 months to heal that's fine if it takes you 2 years to heal that's fine. It will take how long it takes as hard as it is to accept. There will be moments where I am screaming inside like right now and I look for someone to blame. A scape goat but this is my pain now this pain is a part of me a part of my life and facing it hurts like hell. In the end if we just feel everything that's there we will be stronger for it. It's not easy and I don't expect others to understand anymore. I can understand my experience and relate it to your but only you can experience yours and know exactly what it is for you.

[Mutt]

Hi Climbmountains91,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling Climbmountains91. You have good advice so far. If you look at the right hand side The five stages of Detchment what step do you identify with?

There are a couple of things that you mentioned in your post that stuck out for me and you may feel a little stuck. I found articles around the site helped me. If I got stuck and started ruminating. Is she really mentally ill? Is she going to change? Why did she say all of the wonderful things in the r/s and she's treating me like our r/s didn't exist, I don't exist or mean anything to her.

I would go through some of the articles and I would take a step back and really give it some thought and looked at my feelings. What am I truly feeling without distorting? Have I come to terms with the r/s is really over? It took me a few months to come to terms that it's over and I'm also done. I can't live with the push / pull behavior anymore although it had become a way of life for me for a long time.

My ultimate goal with this detachment is to maybe (wishful thinking) "get him back" hoping one day he'll see the light

You can achieve detachment. My apologies if you have already read this resource.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

I imagine in a few years we'll be together and living together with our daughter and he'll be in recovery, trying to make it up to me everyday even though he doesn't have to make anything up to me. I love him. But this is me living in fantasy world. It always gives me hope when he says "your everything I want in a woman, I love you but just not in that way anymore". How can that give anyone hope but to me it does. He says when his better it will be different.

Take a look at this:

Topic: 6) Clinging to the words that were said

I understand this is a major loss. You may feel scared or anxious that you may not find someone else. Do you feel like it's over or that you are done? You may think that your ex is going to change and things will be better.

You're concerned about him. How about you?