Right now I don't know where I am with the whole detachment thing. I know deep down it's the best thing to do for both of us but I just tend to feel a lot worse when not in his life and being in contact. Maybe I felt worse when I was. I'm so confused right now because I always come to the conclusion that I am so in love with this man despite the horrible stuff he's done to me and people can say otherwise that it is love on my part because I generally do care and love this man. Gawd I just want to look after him and take away his pain. I'd do anything for him. Corny I know. My ultimate goal with this detachment is to maybe (wishful thinking) "get him back" hoping one day he'll see the light, start missing me and yeah.
Withdrawal. You have that because you were in contact and allowed someone so sick to get too close. Continue that contact and the withdrawal will be there for you again next time he walks out on you over some BS. As the saying here goes, if you're going through hell then keep walking.
I imagine in a few years we'll be together and living together with our daughter and he'll be in recovery, trying to make it up to me everyday even though he doesn't have to make anything up to me. I love him. But this is me living in fantasy world. It always gives me hope when he says "your everything I want in a woman, I love you but just not in that way anymore". How can that give anyone hope but to me it does. He says when his better it will be different.
You imagine wrong. If you could take his words and turn them upside down you see the maggot riddled rot that dwells behind. If ever he tries to charm you with his false words again then run. Easier said than done but going back only brings more confusion, more doubt and more pain. Run!
I'd wait for him forever I can't even look at another guy in that way anymore. Even if they are good looking nice guys. I feel repulsed.
He got to you deep, didn't he? When you feel repulsed you should feel repulsed by him and the harm he's done to you. Never mind other men right now. That's far too early to even consider so just put it aside. Focus on you and what you need right now.
It's like some days I want to detach and somedays (most days) I don't I feel like I'm giving up, abandoning him. I wish I could write him an email tell him how I feel but he'll only pick out the negatives and you know what BPDs are like with it all.
Good! That to me signifies progress. You know the result of such an effort. Learn to accept it and stick with it. The road to recovery lies there.
Don't know if anyone else has felt this?
Yes. Some here have PHD's in it. You're in the right place. Keep posting!