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Author Topic: 6) Clinging to the words that were said  (Read 6456 times)
OTH
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It's not too late to make better choices


« on: August 29, 2011, 11:28:01 AM »

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder on the website has helped me heal, stay NC and accept BPD more than any other thing that I read (trust me, there has been a lot).  

Seeking balance started this workshop on article 9 (10 myths that keep us stuck) - truly analyzing and understanding our role in these - can help the healing process.

This workshop is myth 6 - please share your experiences as it relates.  It will help you and it will help others.


6) Clinging to the words that were said   [Read original text here]

'“But she said she would love me forever”

Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications.

You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth."


What my exdBPDgf said to me... .

OTH, It makes me sad to think that anyone who knows me knows that I love you completely and want to spend the rest of my life with you, but sometimes you don't.  I know things have been rough, much more so than I would have thought.  That doesn't change the way that I feel about you, love you, and want to be together.  Please don't lose sight of that . . . EVER
<br/>:)id she mean it when she said it? Did she forget the things she said? Was it all just words trying to keep me in the relationship to get her needs met? Do the words matter?

All tough questions. The words must matter or I wouldn't remember them.

My ex to a friend of hers... .

OTH is really laid back.  Very outdoorsy.  Intelligent, active, motivated, patient, affectionate, thoughtful, considerate, trustworthy, strong, ridiculously talented (cars, home repairs, etc.), and gentle and understanding with me.  The love of my life.  That's who he is.

They made me feel special. They definetly created a strong attachment in me towards her. I fell hard. I loved her. She loved me and believed her words until the euphoria of finding new love ended and the difficulty of forging a life together took its place. The fun ended and the disappointment began.

As the article states, she was a dreamer. You can't just remember the times they made you feel special. You have to remember the times they made you feel low. This is the reality. This is the complete picture.

My ex discussing our troubles... .

There is still that same condescending "I know everything and you should do what I tell you" tone that has always been offensive.  Seriously, listen to what you are saying.  I have always admitted that I have problems.  I have always searched for answers.  You just started doing so at age 40, yet call yourself an expert on these things and want to tell everyone their business, including me.  Who do you think you are?  Get over yourself.  Please.

What do we do with the two realities? The first reality makes us feel good about ourselves. The second makes us feel bad about ourselves. What are we most likely to want to remember? What do we do to keep the facts straight in our memory?

I was told how much she loved me and wanted to be with me. As the relationship continued I only felt it as I pulled away. She would pull me back with the same nice words. They had the same effect on me. They drew me to her. It made it easy to forgive the times she devalued me. I even forgave her for doing it in public. I learned to just shut her out when she got in her moods. I didn't listen. Saving the relationship required me to block out part of the experience and deny what it meant about her true feelings for me. She didn't feel the same but wasn't ready to let go.  It wasn't what she expected. I wasn't her dream anymore. She was having new dreams. I wanted the old dream so I ignored her behavior and told myself she would come back around. She didn't. We didn't. Our dream became a nightmare and now it's over. Sweeping it under the rug kept me stuck. It kept things looking nice until the pile under the rug got to big. I will keep a cleaner house now.    

How does this myth relate to your BPD relationship?




More information

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4) Belief that love can prevail

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

6) Clinging to the words that were said

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

10) Belief that they have seen the light
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« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2011, 08:22:40 AM »

This myth was definitely one of the driving forces behind my being infatuated with and holding on to  my ex-pwBPD.

She gave me the entire BPD repertoire - how I was her soul mate, how she loved me more than she had thought she could possibly love anyone, how no one besides me understood her, how we were meant to be together... .all of that. I think her words hit home with me, because I am really not a person to use "big words" easily - "I love you" is not something that crosses my lips except for the very select few. The mere fact, I guess, that she said all of these things to me in itself made me believe her - I really thought that no one would use such big words to and about another person unless they really meant them and were sure that the feelings behind the words would last.
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« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2011, 08:33:28 AM »

I suffered the most due to myths 4, 9, and 10.

But when I was weakest most vulnerable to STBXH's damage was when I was remembering the sweet words that he spoke and believing them to be the truth of how he felt.  These were fewer and farther between as the years went by.  But my heart was squishy and I wanted to believe that he would start treating me like a princess and that I was the only woman that he wanted and that I was the person most like Jesus that he had ever known.

Later on, the nasty, foul, from-the-pit-of-hell things he said played over and over in my head.  I started to believe that I was a fat, lazy b****.  Maybe no one else would ever want me or love me.  Maybe I did need to drop my principles and sink to the level of doing the sick sexual things H said would make him happy.  Even though everybody else I know, family, friends, co-workers, etc. loved me and gave me validating compliments and encouragement- I was believing the lies and labels that a very sick man placed on me.

As I have grown stronger, 6.5 months out of the house/mid-divorce, I have thought less and less about those words, both good and vile.  They came from a man who never knew or loved himself and had no way of knowing or really loving me.  A man who scrambled to make empty promises, never intending or able to keep them, any time he felt me detaching.  As my dear friend says, "He wanted his binky."  I was an object of comfort to him, although he treated me so often like a piece of annoying trash.  And I would have stayed with him forever if, after the first time he admitted to having a problem and promised to get help, he had done it.

Good thread, even though I'm not really supposed to be here (discovery possibility, though low).

Hugs to all,

JDoe
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« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2011, 12:19:47 PM »

The words.  She has such a way with them.  I ran across some birthday, anniversary, father's day cards she had given me over the years.  The words were so eloquent.  Even when they said things like "I know the last year has been hard, but things will get better".  Over time this morphed to "You never trusted me",  "You will learn over time that you never loved me." ? ? ?

The confusion has driven me to insanity.

The words started to go bad after a few years, but then they got better when we had kids.  She had someone that would love her unconditionally all day long and that fed her needs.  When the kids started to grow and mature as teenagers and she was no longer the center of their universes, that is when things started to go south for her.  The words to all of us went from positive to negative.  It was subtle and as a result, I never really saw it happening.  Now that I have pulled my head out of the denial I lived in for way too long, there are so many examples of how the postivie, affirming words stopped and the negativity took over.

I remember her complaining that all I ever wanted was to be complimented.  I have come to realize that I was begging for any scraps she would throw me.  The words meant so much to me because the actions really were never there.

I have learned through this journey that I don't need that outside affirmation any more than anyone else.  I really don't need kind words from her.  My next relationship will be built on a foundation of actions not on the words she speaks.

I do still miss her positive periods, her smile, her laugh, but the price I paid was way too much.
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« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2011, 01:22:08 PM »

Ok, let's see... .this is what I was to her at the beginning:

1. I am her "soul mate"

2. I am the "one"

3. "We are forever"

4. "I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved you"

5. "I can't picture my life without you"

6. "We are meant to be"

Wow, it's amazing all of the things that she supposedly loved about me at first, she complained about to her best friend and used against me to cut me down at the end. All this in order to make me feel worthless and unlovable. I still struggle with the words that were said at the beginning. I am a very practical person, I usually don't buy into the "soulmate", "destined to be together" crap. However, she had me convinced that it was all true. Talk about having the wool pulled over your eyes.  God, what an idiot I am. Never again.  

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cyndiloowho
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« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2011, 05:25:15 PM »

10/2003-04/2007:

*You are the best friend Ive ever had*

*We're a team*

*You 'n me Babe*

*Foreplay all day long*

*Hey Baby!*

*We have the magic key to love*

*Lets snuggle*
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Finallyfree123
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« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2011, 06:07:17 PM »

Act 1:

"you are the only one who ever loved me"

"I can't live without you"

"You are the one"

"We are a team"

"we are unstoppable"

"you make me feel so good"

"I am so lucky to have you in my life"

"you are so selfless"

"you are my best friend"

"you show me everyday how much you love me"

"meant for each other"

"you get me and my issues"

"I'm all in"

"I'm not going to let our conflict break us up"
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« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2011, 06:12:13 PM »

Yep... .i will never try to build a relationship on words alone again... .show me the actions to back em up and i will believe then.
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« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2011, 09:34:13 PM »

Timebomb im with ya bro... .i wanted to believe and did all those sweet wonderful words... .your my soul mate, your my everything, blah blah... .actions were totally different. words mean little without any actions
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« Reply #9 on: September 01, 2011, 12:19:22 AM »

Yep... .i will never try to build a relationship on words alone again... .show me the actions to back em up and i will believe then.

Since my breakup with my dBPDstbxw, this is the biggest lesson I have learned.  I trusted her and thus trusted her words and never realized how empty they truly were.  Now I know better.  I will never believe words of love without the corresponding actions to back them up and the action had better be consistent.
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« Reply #10 on: September 01, 2011, 12:50:18 AM »

It has been awhile since my break up with the NPDbf and thank the heavens, I am over him. The hardest part of the journey toward acceptance and healing was indeed letting go of the words that were said, for those very words and actions in the relationship were what kept me stuck and enmeshed for a long while.

In the very beginning, when I was cautious and reserved, he came to my home and said "I know exactly what I want, I know exactly who I am, I know you are hesitant but please hear me, I love you, I want you, and I will do whatever it takes to win your trust. Doubt my words, but watch my behavior, I will show you, every day, how very much I want you, us and this relationship. I know what I want and what I want is you.

And for many months his behavior matched his words, he was-without a doubt- thoughtful, considerate and present in my life. A rock. And then, within a few short weeks he changed. We were together for almost three years, they were (at that time) the happiest years of my life, with the exception of the times when I gave birth to my children. I was extremely happy and felt loved and safe. The absolute confusion I felt when this man looked at me and said " I will give you no second thought, I have always felt I could give or take this relationship". Dumbfounded, shocked, and without an anchor and adrift at sea was my response. It was one of the worst conversations of my life.

You cannot cling to the words or even the actions of a pwBPD-or NPD. You must accept the mask when it slips and reveals what lies beneath-then, and only then, can a person move on. I have. But I paid a price.

C
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« Reply #11 on: September 01, 2011, 01:43:22 AM »

I needed to see this. Especially tonight. I've had a rough day and cried when I saw this.

Mine said some of the same things as those above, good and bad.

I'm seeing I'm not the only one. Makes me feel better.
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« Reply #12 on: September 01, 2011, 06:26:06 AM »

Yup, the same words to different people.

Act 1

"You make me whole"

"I have never loved someone so much in all my life"

"I want to die in your arms"

"When I see two old people walking down the road  holding hands, I know that will be us"

I want to make old bones with you.

"You are the love of my life"

"I cant picture my life without you, you  mean everything to me"

He Painted "I love you Shannon" on every piece of timber he could find.

Act 1 (mistress)

"You make me whole"

"I have never loved someone so much in all my life"

"I want to die in your arms"

"When I see two old people walking down the road  holding hands, I know that will be us"

I want to make old bones with you.

"You are the love of my life"

"I cant picture my life without you, you  mean everything to me"

He Painted "I love you Co**********" on every piece of timber he could find.
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« Reply #13 on: September 01, 2011, 09:08:01 AM »

My honeymoon phase lasted a year. For that entire year her words and actions showed me that she loved me. I have said before that I am not a person that believes in all that soulmate forever crap, but she convinced me without a doubt that it was real... .sigh. It wasn't until she started to devalue me, that her words and actions no longer matched. In fact near the end of our relationship, she hardly ever said "I love you" to me anymore. I made a point of telling her everyday how much I loved her and how beautiful I thought she was... .I hardly ever got it back.

During our break up process when she had someone else waiting in the wings for her, she treated me so badly and went out of her way to hurt me. I mean she became so petty and vindictive. She knew what would cause me great pain, and did it. How does one do that to someone that they swore was their "soulmate"? I have broken up with people before, and have never gone out of my way to purposely hurt someone, nor have any of my exes done anything like that to me How does one ever get over being treated like that?
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« Reply #14 on: September 01, 2011, 11:50:05 AM »

The worst one by far was, "I would have ended up cheating on you because I have nothing left for you but resentment and disinterest."
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« Reply #15 on: September 01, 2011, 12:35:06 PM »

Ohhh, yes those loving words... .He used to write me poems that would melt my heart... .

He told me that I was his "rapture", his "joy"... .I was "the one"... .

And the words he said to me over and over again... .

"I love you, I adore you, I crave you and I live to be with you... ."


The incongruence made me feel "insecure" and "confused"... .His actions were, at times, bizarre even early on during the "idealization" phase... .Knowing what I now know, I think it was all part of his "push/pull" stuff... .I guess I'll never really understand it... .It was all a huge mindfxck... .

All I know for sure is that he broke my heart into a million pieces and I am trying with everything inside of me to "heal and recover"... .He has found a new source of "rapture"... .I imagine that he's telling her all these same things? Surreal?

WhiteDoe
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timebomb
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« Reply #16 on: September 01, 2011, 04:57:40 PM »

Mine used to send me the most beutiful letters and cards and love trinkets... i thought i had finally found the one... we had some really great times together and then one day it was like a light switch going off... she was done with me! she went back home... and i didn't hear from her for three months. I e-mailed her asking what happened... why did she 'abandon" me. i got a simple goodbye and no closure. It's the hardest thing to wrap your mind around... how could someone do this ? how could they just get so ice cold all of a sudden? I still have not recovered.
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« Reply #17 on: December 29, 2011, 03:17:08 PM »

This one hurts. It goes against everything I believe.

My BPDxgf writes poetry. One of them said that no matter how far she wanders, she will always come back to me.

She referenced the poem again when she broke up with me. She said she still means it. She will come back to me, just maybe not as a romantic partner.
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« Reply #18 on: December 29, 2011, 05:40:49 PM »

I had all this but it was not immediately. . .at first he was charming, attentive, flirtatious, complimentary

After about a year or so came romantic meals, poetry, paintings, music. . .plus all the above

After a few years it got more intensive. . .plus all the above and his actions matched his words

I love you

I adore you

I've never loved a woman like i love you

I was born to love you

My life would be a very dark place without you

Then. . .bam and just before we broke up he read a card he sent me i had on the shelf of my bedroom. . .full of the above mentioned poetry/romantic words. . .he looked at me and said (surprised/quizzical) "did i write that" - it was  horrible, as if he couldn't imagine feeling that way about me.
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« Reply #19 on: December 29, 2011, 11:27:19 PM »

Forgot my jacket when I left - "I'm sleeping with your hoodie"

About other relationships -"Until now, I have chosen women that are ball busting bi*****" and leave me with unmet needs."  Do I fulfill your needs?  "OMG, YES!"

Regarding ex:  ":)o you think she was ever able to connect with me at so many levels the way you do?"

How he feels about me with my head on his chest and his eyes closed:  "******, you are in my heart"

When a kindness was done by me (crying): "I am so undeserving... .SO undeserving... ."

When he was done with me and went back to ex in a nanosecond:  "I am IN LOVE with her and she is IN LOVE WITH ME!"   

Wow... .

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« Reply #20 on: January 18, 2012, 03:45:12 PM »

He wrote me countless emails, letters, poems, and wore a ring of mine around his neck on a string. He also Wanted my tee shirt to smell. A few weeks later he returned everything in a zip lOck bag.

When will I get over this?
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« Reply #21 on: April 17, 2012, 11:32:54 AM »

WOW I never get the mushy love you forever words from my UBPDH. what I got one time was a laundry list of how I make him feel, or the things I DO for him that soothe him.

When looked at objectively it looks like a *useful* list-the things he needs me to do for him that he cannot do for himself!

Tasks or behaviors that make me necessary to his well being. Not loved. Just necessary.

No special gifts,(LOL gifts are a whole 'nother post!) poems, trinkets, cards , letters... .Nada.

I believe he spent his *love you forever* currency on the married woman that dumped him after about a month of sex on the side and coffee dates- several months before he met me!

He never has told me I am wonderful, beautiful, cherished... .I wish! (although he has no problem complimenting others... .he is hard pressed to value me personally and SAY SO)

that hurts-I need to hear that I have value to him-and I have discussed it with him-and ... .it's just not there. He sees things easily to value in others.(they are cute, funny, wonderful, helpful sexy, friendly, kind... .and on and on) But he never EVER says those things to me! And I am his wife.

He does things for me-he got me a pet that I really adore and enjoy. He paid for my new phone and i-Pad that I wanted.  He's still a good listener, and shares his day with me. He snuggles and holds my hand even in public-my first H NEVER did that.

I am finding that with activities like housework or yardwork he is demanding and bossy-and that gets my hackles up. He will ask for my *help* and then proceed to boss me around like a slave, and pick apart my efforts. I dislike being treated like a clumsy 10 year old helping their dad do chores!

So I now draw boundaries around how much I will invest in *helping* him with chores. If he starts nagging or belittling me-I walk away.

ALSO I am finding that with the actions he completes on my behalf... .he wants/claims inordinate credit! Thus, If I fail to react adequately-I am DOOMED... .and my too-mild reaction can trigger a rage.

When he rages he tells me how ungrateful, meanhearted, critical, negative, spiteful and unhappy I am. He's FAST and LOUD with the bad stuff!

He had a terrific internal struggle just saying he loved me OUT LOUD after our first recycle. In fact he BEGGED me tearfully to not make him SAY it! I believe that was b/c he was still smarting from being rejected by the married woman he left me for-the hookup didn't work out for him. I believe he idealized her tremendously. He always spoke of her in the MOST glowing terms, she could do no wrong. It seems they always yearn for what they cannot have.

To this DAY he denies all of that.

He now easily says he loves me but it's said with the same ardor that people say they like peanut butter or potato chips... .(or even LESS!) I believe he's just learned how to mouth the words.

A lot of what he IS, is a mask. But we are so close up to them it's hard to see where the mask begins-and they leave off.

So I am in the process of trying to view the r/s from a less emotional distance now... .More of an Observer than a Participant.

GL



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« Reply #22 on: April 17, 2012, 11:55:42 AM »

I believe the nice things she said to me because they are true!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I am special and there are many people who will love me, and potentially be a life-long partner. 

I took most of the negative things with a grain of salt, fixed what I thought she was right about and moved on... .Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #23 on: April 18, 2012, 10:41:40 PM »

It seems like clinging to either the "hurtful" or "loving" words can be very painful.  Reliving those moments had me in a holding pattern for awhile.  

A lot of misleading things are said to us everyday life and we simply filter it out.  But in these relationships we cling to words.

We have to let go.  Be kind to yourselves.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

GM
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« Reply #24 on: April 21, 2012, 05:20:17 PM »

I deleted or destroyed everything she ever wrote to me. I can read it all on here anyway as dialogue spoken by the ex-partners of people who post, depersonalised and in the context of discussion of an illness. It's hard to cling on to something that's just a symptom of an attachment disorder, and I think deep down I always knew in my heart as well as my mind that she wasn't expressing love but a desperate need for the object of the moment to save her. She's probably said the same things to a few people again, by now, with similar eventual breakdowns in her personal relationships. That's what they do.
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« Reply #25 on: April 21, 2012, 09:07:24 PM »

I did the same along with pictures and gifts and rings. It helped me to move on.  My last tie to her is this board. It is the only time I think of her anymore. I suppose that means I should move on.  Smiling (click to insert in post) 

I deleted or destroyed everything she ever wrote to me. I can read it all on here anyway as dialogue spoken by the ex-partners of people who post, depersonalised and in the context of discussion of an illness. It's hard to cling on to something  that's just a symptom of an attachment disorder, and I think deep down I always knew in my heart as well as my mind that she wasn't expressing love but a desperate need for the object of the moment to save her. She's probably said the same things to a few people again, by now, with similar eventual breakdowns in her personal relationships. That's what they do.

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« Reply #26 on: May 20, 2012, 05:54:40 PM »

Yep... .

He love bombed me... .

Gave me an engagement ring... .so I committed... Even when he started acting like the Tasmainian Devil...

He was looking for my replacement... and disparaging me behind my back ... The whole time...

Words are cheap... .never again... .show me the money!
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« Reply #27 on: May 20, 2012, 06:42:41 PM »

Cathy

I noticed you're looking at the beliefs Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) .  They help with detachment.  I know it hurts and keep working on you and things you know now.  I learned a lot about relationships and character from this.

GM
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lessonslearned
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« Reply #28 on: July 10, 2012, 11:02:40 PM »

I always said to her that the thing I loved most was they way she spoke to me.

However, that didn't include: "I'm proud I haven't F'd someone else yet," or "if I have to wait a full year to live with you I might lose interest," or "I can get anyone," or "you're cheap," or "Ive never contributed this much," or "sometimes commitment means leaving."

She dumped me the day after saying "you're my best friend and I love you" - she even told everyone after she left that I love him so f'n much"

match between words and actions? ZERO

I guess I got caught up in the words too - never again.
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Heartforu

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« Reply #29 on: July 11, 2012, 09:34:40 PM »

Lessonslearned,

It is so hard to reconcile what they say with what they do. Some of what they say is down right cruel. it is awfully hard to reconcile the "goodness" with the "mean, cruel, uncaring part of my ex. That's the hardest. I keep remembering the kind, attentive, loving part of her. I know I can't get it back, but I still want it.
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