Posting Our Private Messages On Social Media Sites

[captainp]

So, my ex-BPDgf has started posting screen-caps of our private messages while we were arguing on social media sites to make me look like an a-hole to all of our mutual acquaintances.  A couple of them have informed me about it, and I'm kind of irritated.

The messages she posted were the worst ones I sent (and they really aren't awful, just matter-of-fact and blunt), and she's claiming that these are the "tame ones" and she has "hundreds more" (she doesn't).  I know for a fact that she can't post any more emails without making herself look like a monster, but the thing she seems to be forgetting is that I have emails and texts too.  Lots of them.  Ones that would completely destroy her reputation amongst all of our mutual acquaintances (for example, messages where she is trashing the people she is now trying to convince of my a-holishness). 

I've tried to be an adult about this breakup, and just say nothing so that she could go off and become someone else's problem... .but at the same time, I kind of want to stand up for myself.  This is beyond ridiculous.  I treated this girl really well, and let her treat me like crap.  Now she is going out of her way to ensure that I look like the biggest jerk on the planet. 

What should I do?  I just want this to be over with.  I just want her to leave me alone and never hear from her again. 

[Mutt]

Stupidly, I responded and asked what I did wrong.  She went on a long diatribe about how she didn't need counselling, and then dared me to tell her why I think our relationship soured.  So I told her.  Politely, but matter-of-factly.  Then she started in on the name calling.  At which point, I told her that I was done and asked her to stop messaging me.  

She told me that she wanted me to stop messaging her, and had threatened to go to the cops "but that didn't work."  Then she started name-calling.  

I told her that I had always been kind to her and asked her to stop.  

She replied with, "No."

I said, "Thanks for being an adult about this. *eyeroll*" and stopped messaging her.  

Today I got a phone call from the police.  She had called them and said that I was harassing her by phone, email, and text.  I could not believe it.

Hi captainp,

I suggest re-reading this.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can relate.

My ex called the cops, called me physically, emotionally and financially abusive to family, friends and anyone within earshot.

She was having an affair and left with the affair partner and denigrated me. I was angry and I have hundreds of emails of back and forth.

She felt much shame, guilt from her actions and her fear of abandonment was triggered. When pwBPD feels an over abundance of anxiety and stress they may distort events - distortion campaign. Not all will act out like this and some do. It's tough.

If you respond it's going to make things worse.

The best way to deal with this is no response and no-resistance.

Radio Silence.

It will eventually simmer and die off, it takes time. Have boundaries. If she does X, I respond with Y. The sooner you don't respond and maintain boundaries and stick to it, the quicker this shall pass.

It makes me question the type of people on her side that attached themselves to this type of stuff?

There are two sides to every story. It showed me their true colors. Not people I like to have close to me.

The truth has a way of working it's way out.

Hang in there.


--Mutt

[captainp]

Thanks, man.  You are right. 

It just sucks to deal with because I know that I've already lost friends over this.  Though it's true that if they believe one side of a story, they're not worth having around anyway -- but it still feels crappy.

I really don't get why she can't just let it go and move on.  I would have gotten over the breakup fairly quickly, but the distortion campaign and character assassination spree that followed were unlike anything I've ever witnessed or experienced.  This has actually taken a fairly big chunk out of me.  I can't even talk to a pretty girl right now. 

I am terrified of having to go through something like this again. 

[Mutt]

To answer your question why she's not letting it go, it's mental illness.

I lost all friends accumulated over 7 years together, in-laws. It's painful. I'm sorry.

The close ones, my real friends stuck by. It's not a matter of how many friends, it's the few that mean something.

Go through the lessons on the right side of the board. I can relate with what you mean it took a chunk out of you. It takes time to heal these wounds. You'll return to form.

Are you talking to a T?

If you can't talk to a pretty girl right now, it's because you're hurt and this takes its toll. This is difficult stuff.

You'll be able to talk to women again and not everyone will treat you like this. Boundaries will really help you there.

A simple way to explain boundaries.

It's to keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out.

[Recooperating]

I am so sorry your going through this! It really sucks when they do the smear campaign so publically! I can relate, my dBPDexbf did something very similar. He didnt post online, but he contacted MY friends and family with bogus stories ans insinuations. Its a good test to see who your real friends are... .

My friends contacted me first before replying or taking sides. They all knew about the torment I had gone through. Many of them wanted to reply to my ex telling him what an a-hole he is. I asked them not to. Everybody stayed radio silent, nobody replied and since no one played his game, the game didnt work.

The best thing to do is to not respond at all, although thats really really difficult. If you can ask your friends to not respond as well that would be even better. As soon as it doesnt have the effect they want (attention, creating chaos etc.) it will stop. Stay strong and stay silent!

Good luck to you! 

[captainp]

Are you talking to a T?

If you can't talk to a pretty girl right now, it's because you're hurt and this takes its toll. This is difficult stuff.

No therapist.  Doing a lot of yoga.  It helps a lot. 

It's not that I'm too hurt to talk to a pretty girl now, it's that I'm scared.  I've just had a pretty harsh lesson in how easily one woman can completely destroy an ex-partner's reputation -- and seem to enjoy doing it.  I just feel really violated, and it's going to take some time for me to be able to date again. 

[hope2727]

Are you talking to a T?

If you can't talk to a pretty girl right now, it's because you're hurt and this takes its toll. This is difficult stuff.

No therapist.  Doing a lot of yoga.  It helps a lot. 

It's not that I'm too hurt to talk to a pretty girl now, it's that I'm scared.  I've just had a pretty harsh lesson in how easily one woman can completely destroy an ex-partner's reputation -- and seem to enjoy doing it.  I just feel really violated, and it's going to take some time for me to be able to date again. 

Don't give up. There are good people out there. Just breathe and let life happen. I am sure you will meet someone wonderful. I feel destroyed too but I smiled at a stranger yesterday just for practice. He smiled back. So its a start.  Maybe the new year will turn things around for us both. meanwhile happy holidays and sending hugs. 

[Mutt]

No therapist.  Doing a lot of yoga.  It helps a lot.  

It's not that I'm too hurt to talk to a pretty girl now, it's that I'm scared.  I've just had a pretty harsh lesson in how easily one woman can completely destroy an ex-partner's reputation -- and seem to enjoy doing it.  I just feel really violated, and it's going to take some time for me to be able to date again.  

Yoga's good   It re-center's one self.

I think the keyword is one person. Boundaries will keep the people treat you nicely in and the people treat you badly out. It will telegraph what behaviors and actions you find acceptable or not. It takes practice.

I felt much distress and anxiety when my ex told awful things about me. I made it a goal to work on boundaries in no contact . I have kids with mine and parallel parent.

She knows I mean business and the only subject I will speak about is kids. It's not to say she doesn't try to test boundaries and doesn't try to make me feel bad. It is to say that she won't get a response and seldom attempts conflict because I didn't re-enforce the behaviors and escalate conflict. It takes two to tango and one to stop.

All of the terrible things she said is dissociated and she doesn't mention it or speak of it presently. It's as if she didn't say what she said. Her actions now don't match her words. Her feelings, not my feelings.

I told my P what my ex was saying and didn't know what to do.

My P said "Mutt, you don't have to say anything, these are her actions, they belong to her not you" My P was right

Another way of looking at it is don't JADE. Don't Justify, Attack, Defend or Explain her actions to family, friends. Don't JADE your actions, feelings to your ex.

Don't give up. There are good people out there. Just breathe and let life happen. I am sure you will meet someone wonderful. I feel destroyed too but I smiled at a stranger yesterday just for practice. He smiled back. So its a start.  

I agree.

Don't let someone's opinion define you.

Be mindful that this will take time, take care of yourself. The lessons on the right side will help. Make it a goal to reach step-5.

It's a good feeling to have someone smile back. You'll telegraph confidence and your good qualities. People will take notice. Your ex feels awful, that's why she's projecting and dissociating her feelings. Don't let her feelings define whom you are.

Attachment leads to suffering. Detachment leads to freedom.

Silence is a source of great strength.

[Harri]

Hi Captain.  I am so sorry your ex is doing this to you.  It is hard and so very unfair.  People have already given you a lot of good advice and input here so I do not have much to add.  I do want to tell you though that I have had a few friends who decide to try to trash their ex on facebook etc, and my reaction, without fail, is to back off and realize that the person who is posting the trash talk is the one with the bigger issues and I feel nothing but empathy and compassion for the person being trashed.  When I then see that they do not engage or respond, even to defend, the empathy and compassion I feel are then combined with respect.

I know it hurts terribly but it is true that any 'friend' who follows along with the trashing is not a friend you want.  Feel the hurt, but be grateful you found out what kind of friend they really are to you. 

[myself]

If she's already posted the worst, it will hopefully not go much further. It sucks that other people might get bad info and come to wrong conclusions, but those who really are your friends won't buy into it and the others won't really matter. What's most important is that you yourself know the truth.

My ex posted some very mean comments about me when we broke up. I blocked her but had seen a few. She also made sure to send them to me in personal messages, things which were so hurtful they have helped me stay away from her since then. A month or two post-breakup, a mutual friend who's a long time friend of mine contacted me saying she was posting more very negative comments, which he was questioning if they were about me because it sounded nothing at all like the person he knows I am.

It's part of the disorder, trying to find control and make sense of her pain by casting it out/ blaming you for it. I agree this is just one person who acted this way with you. There are millions of women who would never do so. It may take a while until you're ready to be with someone else, it depends on your personal healing process and how much you believe in yourself.