My heart is broken by my BPD ex

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am convinced my ex-gf has Borderline Personality Disorder. This post is long, but goes a long way in explaining my situation.

I'm 24 years old and on September 1st, 2014 my girlfriend of 9 months broke up with me and I've never been the same since. Now I get it, this happens to everyone and nobody likes it right? Well yeah it does, but every case is different and people deal with it and react to it differently. Here you will find my personal story and why this experience has cut me so deeply.

It all starts as far back as when I was 7 years old. In grade 2, I was just like any normal kid, I was energetic, mischievous and generally a happy little boy. I have memories of me playing around and making jokes and doing silly things with girls and boys alike. I enjoyed the attention and being accepted in that way made me happy.

Come Grade 3 and a lot of things change. Around this time, my situation at home wasn't the greatest. My dad was angry, my parents would yell, fight, and argue right in front of me and my dad would take a lot of his frustrations out on me. I distinctly remember being fearful of my dad because I knew the next physical attack on me could be at any moment. He would hit me with belts... .we had a lot of them around the house. The flick of his wrist was enough to make me bleed. I remember going around the house and hiding every belt I could find so he couldn't use them on me…not that it made a difference. Being pulled up by the ear and thrown into a wall is just as painful really.

So I’m afraid of my dad at home, I listen to my parents argue all the time and I try to lock myself in my room hoping that my dad cant find a key to unlock it. At school, I find that I’m thrust into a classroom in which I know nobody from my previous year and I’m left to fend for myself. I don’t cope particularly well. I’m mostly a loner in class and I just keep to myself. I did actually make one friend that seemed to be just as lonely as me. This friend meant a lot to me, he was my only ally in and outside of class and he would often bring lunch money to school with him whereas I always brought my own lunchbox. This was cool because from time to time he would offer to buy me an ice cream with his spare money, and me being the little kid that I was, that was an amazing offer.

The problem, however, is that he would always be the one paying for me. Eventually it got to the point where he grew a dislike for me saying “oh I see your just using me for my money”. Of course, I felt guilty for ‘taking his money’ but it really wasn't my intention. I could never repay the favour because I never had money with me and even if I did, I was too shy and nervous to buy one anyway! Our friendship broke and I was alone. I became increasingly anxious around people and retreated inward. I’m sure my home situation had something to do with these feelings as well.

So I go through most of my primary school life feeling really out of place and awkward. I met a couple of good friends (that are still my friends today) but the social anxiety just grew stronger and stronger. In 2003 I started high school. The higher demand of responsibility that came with high school was not something I welcomed. People around me were maturing, becoming increasingly independent and self-sufficient but I stayed the same. I was still that scared little kid inside that had their mum make lunch for me every morning. I really felt like I did not belong even more and me being overweight certainly didn't help – especially when it came to Phys Ed. I hated this class. It was headed up by an old-school sociopathic Asian dictator that used fear as a tool to deter students from misbehaving in his class. I would always be late to class because we had to get changed in the change rooms before coming in and…in these change rooms I was bullied. People would kick my door in while I was changing, lock me inside and whatever else they could do to make my life miserable. I was already a nervous wreck in a normal class room but Phys Ed change rooms were hell.

Of course, my lovely Phys Ed teacher would use his cruel tactic to single me out in front of everyone for being late to class and would get me to stand up holding my heavy bag while everyone else would sit down and watch me. On the off chance I wasn’t late to class, I sucked at sports anyway and the idea of playing in a ‘team sport’ out on the field (sometimes shirtless) where you demonstrated your physical strengths and qualities was basically my worst nightmare. I despised this class.

Luckily, the bullying didn't last long. Some of them left the school and I guess the others just found some new targets to harass. I managed to cope though. I started up an online MMORPG that was totally awesome. I’ve always been a smart guy and this game rewarded intelligence and perseverance and being in an ONLINE gaming environment back in 2003 was the most amazing thing in the world. It was the one thing I looked forward to doing each day. I was exceedingly good at it and I found a lot of self-worth and satisfaction through playing this game. I played it constantly every day after school. It was my escape.

With this coping mechanism though, came a dependence. I didn’t go to school excursions, the river cruise, the school ball. I didn’t make new friends male or female, I didn’t hang out after school, and I was still an anxious mess in any scenario that anyone my age would find completely normal. And when I say anxious, I mean “I feel like I’m going to vomit, I’m shaking and I cant speak” type of anxious…and this would occur simply by the thought of having to buy something from the lunch lady. Clearly I was not normal and did not fit in. I knew that, I had accepted it would always be this way and I was fine with it because I had this game that made me happy so who cares right? Besides, on the outside I managed to fake my way through pretty well, I definitely hid my anxiety quite well even though I was dying inside.

High school ends in 2007. Best day ever right? Well yeah it was! No more Phys Ed, no more in-class essays or speeches. In my mind this meant I could play this MMORPG all day every day and I wouldn’t have to be afraid of anything anymore. So that’s what I did. I played the game at least 12 hours a day for an entire year, I pretty much didn’t leave the house unless I absolutely had to. Throughout the year, my mum would express concern that I was getting overweight, pale skinned and all that kind of stuff and my dad would call me lazy and tell me to study something or get a job. He had no idea that the thought of either one of those was like signing a death warrant to me, he just perceived it as laziness.

So after that year passes, I am pretty much forced to do something by my parents and I sort of start to acknowledge that my current lifestyle cannot possibly last forever. I study a double major in Mathematics and Computer Science. I’m good at both subjects, always have been. I got the top student award for Calculus for my year group and I've been playing games/using computers since as far back as I can remember! I am not good at socializing however, I am still that scared little boy inside. I don’t have my drivers licence and I have no idea how to take a train or a bus. My mum would pick me up and drop me off at uni. If she couldn’t take me for some reason then I would simply skip class. The idea of getting there myself was not an option to consider.

Actually scratch that. I just stopped going to class altogether. What was the point? Most lectures were recorded and posted online and for those that weren’t, I had google to learn from. I’m smart enough to make my way through my classes this way and it saves me on travel time/money, it doesn’t inconvenience my mum and I don’t have to put myself in an anxiety provoking environment. Sounds like win-win-win to me. I went through my whole course this way, I never made an acquaintance, let-alone a friend.

[Younique]

I am convinced my ex-gf has Borderline Personality Disorder. This post is long, but goes a long way in explaining my situation.

I'm 24 years old and on September 1st, 2014 my girlfriend of 9 months broke up with me and I've never been the same since. Now I get it, this happens to everyone and nobody likes it right? Well yeah it does, but every case is different and people deal with it and react to it differently. Here you will find my personal story and why this experience has cut me so deeply.

It all starts as far back as when I was 7 years old. In grade 2, I was just like any normal kid, I was energetic, mischievous and generally a happy little boy. I have memories of me playing around and making jokes and doing silly things with girls and boys alike. I enjoyed the attention and being accepted in that way made me happy.

Come Grade 3 and a lot of things change. Around this time, my situation at home wasn't the greatest. My dad was angry, my parents would yell, fight, and argue right in front of me and my dad would take a lot of his frustrations out on me. I distinctly remember being fearful of my dad because I knew the next physical attack on me could be at any moment. He would hit me with belts... .we had a lot of them around the house. The flick of his wrist was enough to make me bleed. I remember going around the house and hiding every belt I could find so he couldn't use them on me…not that it made a difference. Being pulled up by the ear and thrown into a wall is just as painful really.

So I’m afraid of my dad at home, I listen to my parents argue all the time and I try to lock myself in my room hoping that my dad cant find a key to unlock it. At school, I find that I’m thrust into a classroom in which I know nobody from my previous year and I’m left to fend for myself. I don’t cope particularly well. I’m mostly a loner in class and I just keep to myself. I did actually make one friend that seemed to be just as lonely as me. This friend meant a lot to me, he was my only ally in and outside of class and he would often bring lunch money to school with him whereas I always brought my own lunchbox. This was cool because from time to time he would offer to buy me an ice cream with his spare money, and me being the little kid that I was, that was an amazing offer.

The problem, however, is that he would always be the one paying for me. Eventually it got to the point where he grew a dislike for me saying “oh I see your just using me for my money”. Of course, I felt guilty for ‘taking his money’ but it really wasn't my intention. I could never repay the favour because I never had money with me and even if I did, I was too shy and nervous to buy one anyway! Our friendship broke and I was alone. I became increasingly anxious around people and retreated inward. I’m sure my home situation had something to do with these feelings as well.

So I go through most of my primary school life feeling really out of place and awkward. I met a couple of good friends (that are still my friends today) but the social anxiety just grew stronger and stronger. In 2003 I started high school. The higher demand of responsibility that came with high school was not something I welcomed. People around me were maturing, becoming increasingly independent and self-sufficient but I stayed the same. I was still that scared little kid inside that had their mum make lunch for me every morning. I really felt like I did not belong even more and me being overweight certainly didn't help – especially when it came to Phys Ed. I hated this class. It was headed up by an old-school sociopathic Asian dictator that used fear as a tool to deter students from misbehaving in his class. I would always be late to class because we had to get changed in the change rooms before coming in and…in these change rooms I was bullied. People would kick my door in while I was changing, lock me inside and whatever else they could do to make my life miserable. I was already a nervous wreck in a normal class room but Phys Ed change rooms were hell.

Of course, my lovely Phys Ed teacher would use his cruel tactic to single me out in front of everyone for being late to class and would get me to stand up holding my heavy bag while everyone else would sit down and watch me. On the off chance I wasn’t late to class, I sucked at sports anyway and the idea of playing in a ‘team sport’ out on the field (sometimes shirtless) where you demonstrated your physical strengths and qualities was basically my worst nightmare. I despised this class.

Luckily, the bullying didn't last long. Some of them left the school and I guess the others just found some new targets to harass. I managed to cope though. I started up an online MMORPG that was totally awesome. I’ve always been a smart guy and this game rewarded intelligence and perseverance and being in an ONLINE gaming environment back in 2003 was the most amazing thing in the world. It was the one thing I looked forward to doing each day. I was exceedingly good at it and I found a lot of self-worth and satisfaction through playing this game. I played it constantly every day after school. It was my escape.

With this coping mechanism though, came a dependence. I didn’t go to school excursions, the river cruise, the school ball. I didn’t make new friends male or female, I didn’t hang out after school, and I was still an anxious mess in any scenario that anyone my age would find completely normal. And when I say anxious, I mean “I feel like I’m going to vomit, I’m shaking and I cant speak” type of anxious…and this would occur simply by the thought of having to buy something from the lunch lady. Clearly I was not normal and did not fit in. I knew that, I had accepted it would always be this way and I was fine with it because I had this game that made me happy so who cares right? Besides, on the outside I managed to fake my way through pretty well, I definitely hid my anxiety quite well even though I was dying inside.

High school ends in 2007. Best day ever right? Well yeah it was! No more Phys Ed, no more in-class essays or speeches. In my mind this meant I could play this MMORPG all day every day and I wouldn’t have to be afraid of anything anymore. So that’s what I did. I played the game at least 12 hours a day for an entire year, I pretty much didn’t leave the house unless I absolutely had to. Throughout the year, my mum would express concern that I was getting overweight, pale skinned and all that kind of stuff and my dad would call me lazy and tell me to study something or get a job. He had no idea that the thought of either one of those was like signing a death warrant to me, he just perceived it as laziness.

So after that year passes, I am pretty much forced to do something by my parents and I sort of start to acknowledge that my current lifestyle cannot possibly last forever. I study a double major in Mathematics and Computer Science. I’m good at both subjects, always have been. I got the top student award for Calculus for my year group and I've been playing games/using computers since as far back as I can remember! I am not good at socializing however, I am still that scared little boy inside. I don’t have my drivers licence and I have no idea how to take a train or a bus. My mum would pick me up and drop me off at uni. If she couldn’t take me for some reason then I would simply skip class. The idea of getting there myself was not an option to consider.

Actually scratch that. I just stopped going to class altogether. What was the point? Most lectures were recorded and posted online and for those that weren’t, I had google to learn from. I’m smart enough to make my way through my classes this way and it saves me on travel time/money, it doesn’t inconvenience my mum and I don’t have to put myself in an anxiety provoking environment. Sounds like win-win-win to me. I went through my whole course this way, I never made an acquaintance, let-alone a friend.

[Younique]

My whole life story changes drastically near the end of 2011. At this point I’ve played this MMORPG for at least 8 years, and its actually starting to get boring. I push the games limits by hacking/exploiting it in an attempt to keep the game interesting but I eventually get caught and all my accounts are banned permanently. I lose EVERYTHING. Honestly, I didn’t even really care. The game was boring anyway. The thing I didn’t expect though was that I suddenly had SO MUCH time on my hands and I had nothing to fill it with. I was bored out of my mind. I started spending all day on my laptop learning new things and new skills just for the sake of it. I taught myself the piano, learnt about human psychology and medication, physics, new programming techniques, random nature facts, nutrition, exercise routines. I even had a phase where I learned about all the infamous serial killers of the past.

It really hit home though when I started reading about university/college life and how most people say its one of the best times of their lives. Its where people make fun memories, lifelong friends, have awesome parties with people, meet their potential life partners and what not. I didn’t do any of that…hell I didn’t know where the library was. It was a wake-up call. “You are different from everyone else. You have not experienced life, you don’t fit in and you are nobody”. I fell into a very deep depression. I wanted to kill myself, I had nothing to live for and any attempt at change was blocked by soul crushing anxiety.

An old high school friend’s birthday ticks by and I take a look on Facebook. He gets a long list of “Happy Birthday” messages from so many different people. My birthday is a couple of days later…I get about 6 messages from people I haven’t seen in years. I’m certain they only posted in the first place because FB makes them aware that my birthday was that day. Now I don’t care about FB likes or anything like that but this response (or lack of) was a pretty clear reflection of my loneliness. My 22nd birthday was one of the worst days of my life. All it did was remind me how alone I am and how time is running out. I decide that I need to make a change and that I cannot live on like this. I also decide to make this change naturally, without synthetic drugs and other 'quick fixes'. I read everything there is to know about depression, suicide and social anxiety. I came across a social anxiety forum and made an account there.

I learn that Social Anxiety is actually a recognised mental illness of which treatment is available! I start seeing a counselor at my university and I begin making progress. Small steps at first but eventually onto bigger things. I begin an exercise and diet routine and stick to it like glue. I feel like I’m slowly becoming ‘normal’ – the end goal of mine. I frequent the SA forum often, keeping up to date with others peoples trials and tribulations and one day I run into this girl in the chat group. She messages me. She is from the same city as me and we start instantly hit it off. Something about this girl is special, I cant put my finger on it but I always enjoy talking with her. She understands anxiety, she has her own struggles with it so we can relate with that. She says shes hosting a bowling meetup and invites me to come along on December 8, 2012. I’m hesitant about going…I’ve never been bowling and I'm sure I'll screw everything up somehow. With the support of my counselor I eventually build up the courage to go.

I get there early. She turns up a little late and we greet each other. She organises us in a bunch of different groups (there's like 30 of us) and I’m put in a different group from her. That’s okay, I’d have liked to be in the same group as her but my main goal here is to tackle social anxiety and meet new people! The bowling goes okay, I’m pretty bad at it but at least I didn't make a fool of myself and I didn’t come last. When everyone is finished, she comes up to me and asks if I would like to come to a post-bowling dinner meetup with everyone. I decline because my parents are coming to pick me up at any moment and I’ve had enough exposure treatment for the day anyway! I also find out that she has her boyfriend with her. It doesn’t bother me much, I’m not looking for a girlfriend, the only thing that bothers me is that its another reflection of something I’m missing in my life – A relationship.

I go home proud of my achievement. I talk to her online a bit and she says she wished she had the chance to talk to me more. I feel the same. After this bowling meet, we start to chat a lot. She invites me to a lot of events she has with her own friends and I'm really scared about attending. I barely know this girl, and walking into a party environment completely by myself where I am unfamiliar with everyone there is pretty much the peak of fear for me. I do end up going to a Christmas and New Years party (I’d normally just be home sleeping) and despite the challenge, I really started to feel like I was branching myself into a new friend group. I’m being accepted and I’m slowly learning the ‘normal’ things people do out in the world. I have my first hangover ever and even get my licence so that I can drive places myself! I’m definitely making some real progress here.

Early 2013, she and I are talking online for hours almost every day up until the early hours of the morning. We talk about our struggles with anxiety, our morals, our view on life and other things. She starts telling me stories about how people have wronged her in the past and she tells me I’m her best friend and that she feels like she can say anything to me. I feel the same way and I start liking this girl…a lot. The highlight of my day is the conversation I get to have with her. I can see this getting problematic though. I can’t have her, shes in a long-term relationship already and I don’t want to get in the way of that. I don’t tell her my feelings and I just try to be the best friend I can be.

October 7, 2013. I get a message saying she has broken up with her boyfriend. I feel sad for her knowing that she broke up but a part of me feels guilty because I feel I might have been part of the cause for it. She tells me that she is okay with the breakup and that it was mutual. I get no impression that I had caused it in any way. We go on talking as normal but then a month later, November 16, she drunk texts me and asks me outright if I like her. I tell her I do. She kind of gets angry at me for not having said something sooner but I felt that it wasn't my place to say anything while she was still recovering from her recent breakup. She says that she likes the fact that I have feelings for her but that she might not feel the same. She says she is a ‘terrible’ person with ‘disordered thinking’, that she might be 'using me' and that she ‘hurts everyone she gets close to’. I don’t believe her. I’ve known this girl for close to a year by this point and I don’t think shes terrible at all. I look past it and see it as her having low self-esteem after her breakup.

December 1, 2013. One of the best days of my life. It is the day me and her become ‘official’. Its exciting. I have a girlfriend…Wait what? I actually have a girlfriend? Not only do I have a girlfriend but its her, the girl I’ve been interested in for almost a year. We get along great, it’s the best ever. I feel energized, I feel invincible, I have no anxiety – nothing can stop me. I apply for jobs, I attend interviews like a confident young man with his girl by his side to back him up. I feel accepted and supported. I am incredibly happy on a level I didn’t even know was possible. My entire outlook on life and the world around me is completely different. I have something to live for and I wake up in the morning looking forward to each day. We text each other constantly and we are working great together without any arguments, everything is perfect and my feelings for her are only getting stronger.

Then…January 25 comes along. Its her Birthday. She holds a birthday party at a place in the city with her friends and naturally, I’m there with her. The idea is to finish up at the place we’re at and then walk to another location in the city. She leaves the first place abruptly, without really telling anyone that she had gone. I am by her side the whole time but I do find her actions strange. It's just me, her and one of her best friends. She starts venting to me “how could my friends abandon me on my birthday?”. I’m in an awkward position here because I want to support her and make her feel better but I also think that the way she left was strange behaviour and was certainly her fault. She is upset for the rest of the night and is crying most of the time. Its sad for me too because I want her to have an amazing birthday, not a sad one. This strange behaviour becomes a recurring theme that continues to damage our relationship.

On February 13, one day before Valentine’s day (a day we were looking forward to), she says she wants to break up with me. I don’t understand. We had no arguments, no disagreements or fall-outs with one another and everything seemed to be going great. She gives no real reason other than “I don’t think we can work together”. I’m crushed obviously. Stupidly of me, I choose to hang out with her on Valentines day anyway. I’m with her and our friends and I burst into tears. I cant stop crying. She is 2 metres away from me showing no emotion. She isn’t crying, in fact, shes drinking and having fun. I don’t understand how she can be so cold and without emotion? I cry the entire night, tears running down my cheek for at least 6 hours. To make matters worse, her friend is hurling comments toward me saying that "she has divorced me" to really drive home the idea that I am no longer her boyfriend. She lets it happen without saying or doing anything and I just have to sit there and take it. Worse still, the next day, her friend asks me for my help to get him to hook up with her... .maybe its just me, but is this insanely insensitive or what? I suppose it kind of makes sense. This fellow has been jealous of me since the day he met me and has constantly insulted me and shut me down in conversation at any chance he's got through my entire relationship with her. She never stood up for me, of course.

A couple of days go by and she later messages me saying that she misses me and wants to give us another shot. I tell her that the breakup has hurt me badly and that it might take a while for things to go back to normal. Eventually, things do. I am happy with her, she is happy with me and goes on to say that shes so lucky to have me, that she isn't sure if shes worthy of being with me, that I am Gods gift to her and that I am “the best boyfriend ever”. I kind of really was. I would do anything for this girl. I would stand up for her if someone made her uncomfortable, I gave her my full attention when she was talking, I helped her with her homework (I even learnt some of her course content in my own time so I could help her better), I'd give her massages in a candle lit room when she was feeling stressed, I gave her surprises on special dates and I even wrote poetry for her. She is my world and I would do anything to make her happy. I told her I loved her, she told me she loved me. Things were great again. She Loves Me.

I invited her into a group of friends of mine that I had been weaving in and out of since 2008. It was the Super Smash Brothers fighting game community. I had made a lot of friends there over the years and it was always difficult for me to go to a lot of the gaming events because of my anxiety. I did make friends here though and I felt that they were mostly a bunch of kind hearted nerdy guys that shared a similar interest of mine. Well, my only interest really. I invited her into the group because I wanted her to meet my friends who were some awesome people. She didn’t have that many friends of her own you see and I felt sorry for her being mistreated by other people in the past and knew she didn’t have to worry about that with this group.

[Younique]

She is nervous at first but she quickly becomes part of the Smash Bros family. I love having her here with me, it makes me so happy to be able to share this with her. The problem is…her strange behaviour continues. One day, I am trying to teach her the basic controls of Smash so that she can start getting into the tournament scene. Naturally, I am patient. I’m a patient guy, especially with my girlfriend. I tell her that a large part of the game is about making good decisions and that in order to improve your skill, you need to be conscious of what your thinking about as you play the game. Suddenly, and without warning, she becomes visibly upset. She is angry and frustrated with me because apparently my tone of voice has changed and I have become aggressive. I tell her that I didn’t change my voice and that I’m not angry or upset and that I have no reason to be aggressive. I’m just trying to teach her how to play the game, why would I get aggressive?

We argue back and forth with her saying “I wouldn’t feel this way if it didn’t happen and your invalidating my feelings”. All I can say is “I’m sorry you feel upset and that you feel that way but I swear I didn’t get aggressive. I have no reason to! Are you sure you weren’t just frustrated at the game and your taking it out on me?” The argument ends without any nice conclusion. I start to doubt myself, thinking that maybe my tone of voice is changing without me realising it. I’ve never heard anyone say this to me before but who knows, it could be true. I’m always looking toward self improvement.

A couple of weeks later, we have a similar training session but this time I make a conscious effort to think about what I’m going to say next and how I’m going to deliver it. I don’t want the same thing as last time to happen again. Despite my efforts, she says the same as before. She starts crying saying I’m aggressive and I’m sitting there utterly convinced I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m stuck because I want to resolve this issue but I can’t just apologise for doing nothing. Its dishonest to myself. Besides, she has told me she has disorded thinking and I’ve seen it by this point more than once (her ex-bf and others have told her the same) so I figure she would at least be open to the idea that maybe shes not seeing things clearly. Apparently not. So I don’t really know what to do other than express concern that shes not seeing things the way they really happened. I’m convinced her frustration at the game has been deflected onto me.

I encounter more and more of this strange behaviour as time goes on. One time we go to a Subway store and she says the person serving her should be fired because she had to say she wanted her bun “toasted” twice. Another time she asks a passing waitress at a different store if they were closing up. The waitress doesn’t hear her (she didn’t get her attention) and we leave with her saying she never wants to go that store again because of the terrible service. Theres another time where she asks me the same question 5 times in a row, I answer it multiple times and then she breaks down in tears saying I wont answer her question. I recount word-for-word my answer to her question and she says she has no recollection of me ever saying anything like it. This was the weirdest experience I ever had with anyone in my life and it still blows my mind that this actually happened.

With every incident, I feel like I’m stuck no matter which path I take. I try to highlight the logical fallacy with her perception of events and how they are uncharacteristic of me, someone who loves her, and that her emotions are very likely caused by her mental disorders. She has told me in the past that she thinks she has Bipolar / General Anxiety / Depression / Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that she wants my help with overcoming these issue but every time an incident like these occur, she is in denial and thinks everything is my fault. She refuses to accept the possibility that what I’m saying might actually be the truth and that I’m saying it out of concern and love.

After every incident, there is usually a period of the Silent Treatment. She pretends I don’t exist, avoids eye contact and stops texting me throughout the day. I feel terrible when she does this. “What have I done to deserve this? I just want to love this girl, why does she treat me this way?”. I feel rejected and alone. I have my birthday party with her and our smash friends and we have a great night, easily my best birthday ever. The next morning she goes totally silent on me. I try to hug her, I try to ask whats wrong and she gives me absolutely nothing back. Her body language and lack of interest in my presence prompts me to think that she must be upset with me - probably because of something that happened the night before. I ask if she would prefer me to give her space and if it would be better if I went home and she responds with "do whatever you want". She then stands in the rain in her pyjamas while I pack up my things. On the way out, I ask once more if she would like me to leave and she says the same "do whatever you want". I take this as a sign that she wants me to get away from her so I get in my car and drive home (45 min drive).

As I'm driving, she texts me saying that she wasn't angry with me but that she was upset with an argument she had with her parents 3 days earlier. She claims I should have known that already even though she never told me anything. I tried to tell her that from my perspective, it looked like she was upset with me and that I was just trying to do my best to find out what was going on and support her. She says "I should know her better" and that she "doesn't have to tell me everything" and that me leaving her house was a selfish choice on my part. I wanted to spend the weekend together with her, not drive away from her. I don't know how she can say I was being selfish? She ignored me for over a week after this incident.

I have another similar incident where I am playing in a Smash Bros tournament and I am in the Grand Finals. She is with me but she isn't feeling too well. When she asks me to take her home, I pause the game I am playing and try to figure out what the best course of action is. "Can she wait till the tournament is over?", "Is she comfortable getting a lift home with someone else?", "Can she take public transport?". When I realise the only suitable option is for me to take her home myself, I quickly forfeit my place in the tournament. I let everyone know that her health was more important to me than some game tournament and that I was sorry I had to drop out. I didn't even take the prize for 2nd place, I had totally forgotten about it! I walk out with her, give her my jacket (it was winter) and take her home.

I drop her off, asking if she wants me to stay with her and she says she'll be fine. She later tells me that those couple of seconds where I paused the game made her feel like I was hesitating and that I personally made her feel like a burden on everyone. I tried to tell her that I wasn't hesitating and that I was just trying to figure out what to do next and that I didn't feel like she appreciated the personal sacrifice I just made in her best interest but she just wouldn't acknowledge it. I told her that it wasn't her fault or my fault that she was feeling sick and that it was just bad luck and that its not fair to place that feeling of being a burden on me. She just says I'm invalidating her feelings and I feel like she is being unappreciative.

This stuff would just keep happening. She would groan and move my hands away from her when I would try to hug her and she would never approach me or show me any kind of respect or attention and it reaches the point where I cant take it anymore. I give her an ultimatum. I meet with her in person and I tell her that even though I am in love with her, unless she PROMISES to do 3 things, I cannot be her boyfriend any longer.

1. See a Psychologist

2. See a Doctor

3. Never pretend I don’t exist ever again

She agrees. I don’t believe her at first but I push the issue and make a point that I need to be SURE. I simply cannot take the risk that she will treat me like trash again. She breaks down in tears and convinces me that she is very sorry about how cruel she has been to me and that she promises she will never do it to me again. She says she’ll make it up to me. I give her a chance to make good on these promises. I still LOVE this girl with all my heart and I never want to lose her but she can’t continue to treat me this way. I don’t deserve it.

About 2 months go by and nothing has changed. She hasn’t seen a psych or a doctor and there have been moments where she just blatantly ignores me. One time we leave in separate cars after going to the casino together (I taught her how to play blackjack and we enjoyed playing it together) and she doesn’t even say goodbye to me, she just walks away. She even goes on to tell me that she wants my permission to hook up with other guys WHILE we are still in a relationship. She would hang it over my head saying "if you can't make me happy, I'll just find someone else". We have a trip planned to travel interstate for a major Smash Brothers tournament and we are going together. The first day we get there she is already distant, she doesn’t seem like she even wants me around her. On that night, I try and get close to her. She pushes me away and avoids eye contact.

[Younique]

This is it. Breaking point. Here we are together in a different state for a major tournament with our friends who I had trained (I’m pretty good at the game so I prepared people for the tournament) and shes acting cold on me again. I get out of the bed of the five star hotel room I have booked for us and I sleep on the couch crying by myself. She does nothing, she just sleeps and takes the bed for herself. The next morning I tell her I’m upset with her and all she says is “I know”. She doesn’t apologise or try to make things right, in fact, she just continues her avoidant behaviour. This just hurts me more.

We go through the trip as two individuals who happen to be sharing a room. At one point I’m crying in the hotel room with her and she gets up and leaves for about 3 hours. I have no idea where she is or when she will come back. She is just gone. I eventually muster up the courage to speak to her asking “how can she do this to me again and how could she break her promise” and she flips the question back onto ME. She says how can I “ignore her like this”. The lack of empathy for my hurt feelings astounds me but I still try to set things right so that the rest of our trip isn’t in shambles but she is not interested. She says “I don’t need to talk to you” and avoids conversation. Shes visibly upset, I give her a tablet to calm her nerves down. I manage to put on the 'happy face' throughout the tournament. Nobody had any idea what I was going through as I tend to keep my problems to myself. I also had severe stomach cramps throughout all of the days on top of everything else that was going on.

On the day we go back home, I am crying the whole time. I cry for 2 hours in the hotel lobby and she sits 2 chairs away from me playing on her phone the entire time. She is not emotional or empathic, she simply doesn’t care. At the airport gateway in front of hundreds of strangers, she tells me she wants to break up with me and that shes sure that’s what she wants. I am crushed and I take 3 sleeping tablets on the plane back home. A couple of days later I contact her again telling her that I miss her. We talk for a bit and she says she is on the fence about dumping me, claiming that she still has feelings for me. I tell her I’ll give her time and space if that’s what she needs.

About 2 weeks later, she messages me saying she is very ill. She says it takes all of her energy to move and that she needs to do something ASAP or she might catch a disease. I offer to come over and give her some tablets and some company to make her feel better. I mean, it’s the least I could do for someone suffering alone in their bedroom! She says she doesn’t want my help but I feel like it’s the right thing to do. I drive to her place (took an hour to get there) and keep her updated on much longer until I get there. When I arrive I find shes not home. I spend the next hour trying to contact her and she doesn’t respond. I message her friends/family to try find out whats happening and nobody answers.

Eventually she calls me and says that shes out and that she wont be home all night. In the background I can hear some kind of party music. I don’t understand, ISN’T SHE REALLY REALLY SICK AND DOESNT SHE KNOW I'M COMING OVER? I tell her that I’ll have a nap at her place (since I dont want to drive all the way back after just getting there) until she comes home. 15 minutes later she comes back home and is telling me to get out. She says I am invading her privacy and that she is furious with me. She says I have serious issues. Oh and she doesn’t look the slightest bit sick either. I try to talk to her but she just says “I don’t need to talk to you, get out”. She storms out of the house, I tell her mum what just happened and her mum says she'll intercede on my behalf when she calms down. Me and her mum know that she can be difficult to deal with, I always got the impression that she was hoping I could help her in a way that she couldn't. After speaking with her mum, I shake her hand thanking her for her hospitality and I leave.

I try to contact her at some point after this but she is resistant. She wont let me speak with her at all as if I’ve done something unforgivable. She gets up and walks away from me while I'm speaking to her. She tells our mutual friends that I have been abusive to her, controlling, manipulative, forceful, disrespectful to her parents and that she is scared of me. She even goes to lengths to bring up personal stuff about my life that was meant to be private in order to destroy my friendship with them. She succeeds. Nobody is interested in what I have to say. I have a panic attack and am sent to hospital in fear of a heart attack. She knows I’m in hospital but does not visit or message me. She doesn’t seem to care in the least.

I eventually manage to call her on the phone and I ask her how she could say these things about me and how she could break her promises she made to me. In regards to the promises, she says “I’m allowed to change my mind”. I ask her about our trip interstate and how she could ignore my feelings and pretend like I don’t exist and she says “Its not my responsibility if you want to feel that way and I wont do sh!t all for that. I should have just done the whole trip by myself”. I ask about me being in hospital and she says “We’ve broken up so its none of my business anymore”. At the end of the phone call she promises that she will leave the Smash Bros community alone out of respect for me since I belong there and its something I introduced her to.

I don’t contact her at all for 2 months after this. By this point I'm already in therapy and have been taking antidepressants for major depression. I’ve overdosed once and I continue to think about suicide every day. Everything restarts when she turns up to a Smash Bros event as though nothing has happened. Not only that, but shes hanging around all the friends I introduced her to and they are acting like nothing has happened. In fact, not only that, but shes been telling them lies about me being abusive to her and they believe it! I approach her at the event asking “What are you doing here? You said you wouldn’t come to these anymore”. My (her?) friends back her up, telling me to **** off and get out. I do so willingly after expressing my discontent with her presence. Following this, I am banned from attending any events held by certain people and nobody is interested in hearing my side of the story at all. I am blocked, banned and cast away.

I try to contact her to sort all this out and instead she says I’m harassing her to my group of friends on facebook and actively finds ways to damage my image. She continues to destroy my reputation and people go along with it because she plays the role of ‘victim’ in front of them. She cries, and they come to her defense, just as I did when I first started getting to know her. She even claims that I broke into her house at some point! I have since been trying to diffuse the situation with little success. There are people in the community that know me better and have taken the time to listen to my side of the story and they have been very supportive. It's good to know at least some people have some respect for me and I would feel much worse without their support. While I would have liked to keep all of this to myself as I had done with the previous breakups (I didn't even tell my parents or my siblings), she has now put me in a position of defense and has accused me of being something I am not. I now feel the need to defend my reputation and open the doors to the truth.

I have recently found out that she is now DATING someone I have known for 5 years and someone who defended her at the smash event. Shes apparently been dating him since December, only about 3 months after she broke up with me. This isn't just totally ridiculous but it also makes no sense because she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship and that she wouldn't get into one for a long time until she sorted herself out mentally. She said that she wasn't well enough to be with anybody. Now I have extreme anxiety being in the same room as him or anyone involved with that particular social circle. That group is intentionally bullying and making fun of me at smash events to make me feel even worse than I already do. No doubt, she is a supporter of these actions.

And that leads me to now. I have been betrayed by my girlfriend, the person I loved, I have been cast out of a group of friends I have had for years and she has planted herself right in the middle of it without a shred of respect, empathy or feeling for me. In addition to all of this, my computer HDD which had 3 years of my work on it randomly stopped working, my cat of 14 years died of heart failure on her birthday this year, my parents have been on the edge of a divorce and a chronic abdominal pain I’ve had for years is wreaking havoc on me and no doctor or specialist can find a way to treat it. I have recently been told that this is a life long condition that will stay with me forever and there are no drugs I cant take that mitigate the pain, not even morphine!

I tried to speak to her telling her that in addition to the breakup, I am going through so much stuff at home and that I wanted to work together with her to make things better for me. I was in tears basically begging for some compassion over the phone. She said I should get over myself and that she "doesn't have to help me" and then she hung up on me.

I cry in my room alone, my heart hurts (physically, it actually hurts) and I cant sleep. I am on tablets that make me feel drowsy and generally unwell. I have no will to live, no joy or pleasure in anything, I have lost my short term memory, my social anxiety is returning and I feel like there is nothing in the universe that can help me. I have never been this depressed. The only time I feel okay are the rare times I am asleep, but even then I am haunted by nightmares. All I ever did was try to support and love this girl in the best ways I knew how. I gave my all and I did the very best I could do and in return, I was treated like a machine without feelings. Despite all that's happened, I still miss that sweet little girl who said "I love you".

I'm currently on 30mg of Mirtazapine per night and 25mg of Seroquel in the morning (used for treating schizophrenia, I'm taking these since I've had minor hallucinations).

If you read this far, I appreciate it.

[jhkbuzz]

I am so very sorry for everything you're going through - it's very painful to lost the people you love - friends and girlfriend alike.  

In your post you said "She says she is a ‘terrible’ person with ‘disordered thinking’, that she might be 'using me' and that she ‘hurts everyone she gets close to’. I don’t believe her." I'm guessing that, at this point, you may understand that you should believe her. It does sound like she's somewhat self aware, although this awareness doesn't help her change her behavior.

While no one here can diagnose another person with borderline personality disorder (BPD), it sounds like you have experienced the typical "push/pull" that is so common in these relationships. It's brutal.  Many of us on these boards can empathize what you've experienced in your relationship; the joyful closeness followed by the coldness and the casual discard.  :'(

What I can tell you is that there is light at the end of the tunnel; although it takes time, you CAN come out of these relationships stronger and more whole. Are you still attempting to contact her?

Stick close to these boards - we're here for you!  

[4Years5Months]

Hi Younique.

I read your entire story.  Like you, I tend to say EVERYTHING that I went through, so I’ve posted some novels on here, too.  I get it.  It’s very well written.  And I’m terribly sorry what you have gone through.

And your story seems quite similar to mine.

I’ve been an extroverted, outgoing guy for the last decade or so, but I was a lot like you as a child and in my teens.  I didn’t have abusive parents, but my mother was overly emotional (alcoholic father) and used it to get her way.  I think that’s where my codependent nature started – trying to calm my mom when she was upset.

My BPD ex was someone who had more Facebook friends that she met on an internet message board than real life friends.  She wasn’t intimidating.  I have never wanted a girlfriend with 600 friends who goes out every night, so being with her felt comfortable immediately.  And she mirrored me, and I became her whole world.  I was her first adult boyfriend.  I took her virginity.  We moved in together after four months.  She told me I was the only person she felt comfortable around.  She texted me all day, every day, narrating her life, leaning on me to support her as she CONSTANTLY complained about trivial things.

Search my posts for a more detailed version of my story, but she broke up with me seven times.  Right now, we are on number seven, and she’s dating the security guard from her work, a guy she previously made fun of almost daily to me for being such an idiot.  But he made a nice replacement for me.  I don't miss her as much as I miss being needed.  Like your ex, I never got a concrete reason when I was dumped, other than we “couldn’t” be together.  I have a 10-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, and my ex always used that as an excuse.  She keeps saying she wants to move away, although she is doing nothing to make that happen, and thus, I can’t move with her, so we have to break up.  It’s just her BPD projecting that false excuse onto me.

I definitely think she suffers from BPD, although I am no doctor.  Here are some similar signs I saw with her in relation to my ex:

- Black/white thinking – especially in regards to places and things

- Arguing with you and letting you leave…... THEN texting you that she hates to argue, once you are at a distance (engulfment fear)

- Breaking up for no real reason, cannot explain when you ask (both abandonment and engulfment fears)

- Pushing you away after you have been incredibly nice and done incredibly nice things for her, or had a wonderful time together doing something special (engulfment fear)

- Repeating questions, especially during arguing, to get you to say EXACTLY what she wants to hear - or in the case of my ex, saying that you understand her and saying specifically what you understand - (needing validation) – my ex would lay in bed with me for HOURS, arguing, then continuing to restart the argument after I would say I was going to sleep

- Has no problem apologizing for her behavior, but does nothing to STOP the behavior (projection – saying she’s sorry is enough for her, temporarily)

- Tells you she's awful and you deserve better, encouraging you to move on.  This is a "moment of clarity" where they acknowledge their low self worth.  My ex would repeatedly ask me to move on because she "didn't want to hurt me."

Short little breakups that only last a few days or a week – this is testing the waters to see if you will take her back.  Then she eventually starts finding replacements, usually having one lined up to take your place right when she breaks up with you.  This will be the norm if you ever make the terrible choice of taking her back.

Using sickness to garner sympathy and treat you terribly – my ex got sick (legit) after our most recent vacation, and boy did she drag it out, nearly a MONTH.  Like Kat, she treated me terribly and blamed it on not feeling well, and of course apologized, but kept doing it.  Then one night she was “sick” but then surprise surprise, she was out with work friends.  Suddenly, she was feeling better.  She broke up with me a week later.

Think about yourself – why do you NEED her in your life?  Because when she is “good” it feels GREAT, doesn’t it?  You’re hoping she will come around and want you back, right?  But why would you put yourself through that again?  She absolutely WILL do it to you again if you take her back.

Go no contact.  She is used to you reaching out to her.  You are her safety net and nothing else.  After a while, she will have to look at that fellow as her only option – and she WILL do to him what she did to you – and likely try to contact you.  And when she does, tell her quite bluntly and swiftly that YOU never want to talk to HER again.  She cannot be saved.  Not by you.  Maybe in 20 years, but definitely right now.

I’ve gone NC with my ex for two months.  I’ve heard rumblings that she’s posting negative comments on Facebook about her life, which includes “fighting” with an unknown person.  I know it’s my replacement.  I’m bracing for a contact attempt.  I am ready.  I hope you can get to that point, too.

[LonelyChild]

My story (even childhood, high scool, college etc) is nearly exactly the same. I felt pain physically in my heart too.

I just want you to understand: SHE   WILL   NEVER   CHANGE

Never. Ever. Never ever.

It's not about you. It's not that you weren't good enough. She's going to do this all her life, or end up killing herself.

I know how much it hurts to have had NOTHING your entire life, find "true love" and then have it ripped out from your heart. You will grow through it. You will change. You will probably never love someone the same way again. But you have to accept it somehow. You were in love with an illusion. Read my first post. My uBPDxgf is insane as well.

[Turkish]

Younique,

I can relate to the SA, and also some of your school experiences. I'm sorry that you went through that. If I had a time machine, I wish I could go back and rescue every ostracized kid, including myself! The SA kept me from doing many things through my 20s and early 30s that I could have done. I thought I conquered most of it on my own, but then ended up with my uBPDx 

I'm glad you are reaching out for support though. Who else do you have in your life who can offer you real-time support in this besides your therapist?

Turkish

[Younique]

I am so very sorry for everything you're going through - it's very painful to lost the people you love - friends and girlfriend alike.  

In your post you said "She says she is a ‘terrible’ person with ‘disordered thinking’, that she might be 'using me' and that she ‘hurts everyone she gets close to’. I don’t believe her." I'm guessing that, at this point, you may understand that you should believe her. It does sound like she's somewhat self aware, although this awareness doesn't help her change her behavior.

While no one here can diagnose another person with borderline personality disorder (BPD), it sounds like you have experienced the typical "push/pull" that is so common in these relationships. It's brutal.  Many of us on these boards can empathize what you've experienced in your relationship; the joyful closeness followed by the coldness and the casual discard.  :'(

What I can tell you is that there is light at the end of the tunnel; although it takes time, you CAN come out of these relationships stronger and more whole. Are you still attempting to contact her?

Stick close to these boards - we're here for you!  

Thank you for reading!

She did try to warn me, but I didn't believe her. I saw it as just a low self-esteem following her breakup and I already had feelings for her. There was no way I could let her go at that point in time, even with her warnings. Some of her behaviour doesnt seem entirely typical of BPD (threats of suicide or self harm was never something she did, neither has she attempted to keep me in her life or come back to me... .yet anyway) but I struggle to find any other disorder that matches the extreme hot/cold dynamic on top of the victim mentality she always holds.

I had a huge period of acting stalkerish shortly after the breakup where I called and texted her constantly saying that I missed her. I know it was this that pushed her even further away from me and it really makes me feel like everything was my fault. I try to focus on the fact that she was mistreating me long before the final breakup and that back then I was doing everything possible to keep her happy but its still hard to not feel like an idiot for missing her so much post-break up. I've become incredibly needy and weak and I understand that my past has a lot to do with it... .I just dont know what to do about it. I actually tried to call her today numerous times on her home phone (she changed her mobile number) but nobody picked up. I really want to call just to vent my frustration, not to get back together. I know, intellectually, that she is a toxic person to be with and is certainly not suitable to be my future wife. I do miss the apparent emotional support I had with her though and I hugely miss her company. Its a terrible mix of love/hate, as I'm sure other BPDx sufferers can relate to. I really really struggle with intellectual and emotional conflict that comes from being separated and betrayed by her.

[jhkbuzz]

I am so very sorry for everything you're going through - it's very painful to lost the people you love - friends and girlfriend alike.  

In your post you said "She says she is a ‘terrible’ person with ‘disordered thinking’, that she might be 'using me' and that she ‘hurts everyone she gets close to’. I don’t believe her." I'm guessing that, at this point, you may understand that you should believe her. It does sound like she's somewhat self aware, although this awareness doesn't help her change her behavior.

While no one here can diagnose another person with borderline personality disorder (BPD), it sounds like you have experienced the typical "push/pull" that is so common in these relationships. It's brutal.  Many of us on these boards can empathize what you've experienced in your relationship; the joyful closeness followed by the coldness and the casual discard.  :'(

What I can tell you is that there is light at the end of the tunnel; although it takes time, you CAN come out of these relationships stronger and more whole. Are you still attempting to contact her?

Stick close to these boards - we're here for you!  

Thank you for reading!

She did try to warn me, but I didn't believe her. I saw it as just a low self-esteem following her breakup and I already had feelings for her. There was no way I could let her go at that point in time, even with her warnings. Some of her behaviour doesnt seem entirely typical of BPD (threats of suicide or self harm was never something she did, neither has she attempted to keep me in her life or come back to me... .yet anyway) but I struggle to find any other disorder that matches the extreme hot/cold dynamic on top of the victim mentality she always holds.

I had a huge period of acting stalkerish shortly after the breakup where I called and texted her constantly saying that I missed her. I know it was this that pushed her even further away from me and it really makes me feel like everything was my fault. I try to focus on the fact that she was mistreating me long before the final breakup and that back then I was doing everything possible to keep her happy but its still hard to not feel like an idiot for missing her so much post-break up. I've become incredibly needy and weak and I understand that my past has a lot to do with it... .I just dont know what to do about it. I actually tried to call her today numerous times on her home phone (she changed her mobile number) but nobody picked up. I really want to call just to vent my frustration, not to get back together. I know, intellectually, that she is a toxic person to be with and is certainly not suitable to be my future wife. I do miss the apparent emotional support I had with her though and I hugely miss her company. Its a terrible mix of love/hate, as I'm sure other BPDx sufferers can relate to. I really really struggle with intellectual and emotional conflict that comes from being separated and betrayed by her.

First of all DON'T feel foolish - we have all been through what you've been through, and it is reasonable to try to make a r/s work with someone you love.

My ex never threatened suicide or self harm and she has not attempted to come back to me... .keep in mind that our ex's are individuals and BPD or not, everyone's story is different.

It's also really common for us to feel like "everything was our fault."  I had this feeling before my relationship ended, so I jumped through every hoop imaginable to "fix" whatever was wrong.  I felt it a long time afterwards, too.  But learning about BPD and reading other people's stories helped me understand that it wasn't anything I did (or didn't do) - my ex was struggling with a mental illness long before she met me, and it made our relationship very, very difficult.

I understand your urge to call her and vent your frustration - you are experiencing the stages of grief and anger is a very healthy, normal stage of grieving, but I would think twice about acting on it because you may find yourself in even MORE pain after it's over.  Take a look at the stages of grief here:  

Lesson 1: Healing: The Big Picture

I always find it helpful to "name" and understand my emotions - it lessens the "sting" of them a little bit. Hopefully reading about the stages of grief will help you do that too.  

You will find yourself cycling back and forth between your love for her and your hatred towards her - this is also very common.  I hope you can take some solace from the fact that your pain WILL lessen over time and you WILL begin to heal. It's a slow, step by step process but you will get there.  I was in an 8 year r/s and am about 8 months post break up and I'm feeling waaaaaaaaaay better.  I wouldn't have imagined that it was possible 6 months ago, I was in THAT much pain.

Is there anyone in your life that you've been able to share your story with?

[ReluctantSurvivor]

My story (even childhood, high scool, college etc) is nearly exactly the same. I felt pain physically in my heart too.

I just want you to understand: SHE   WILL   NEVER   CHANGE

Never. Ever. Never ever.

It's not about you. It's not that you weren't good enough. She's going to do this all her life, or end up killing herself.

I know how much it hurts to have had NOTHING your entire life, find "true love" and then have it ripped out from your heart. You will grow through it. You will change. You will probably never love someone the same way again. But you have to accept it somehow. You were in love with an illusion. Read my first post. My uBPDxgf is insane as well.

Hi Younique,

 Sorry that you have been through this hellish rollercoaster.  I have been through so many similar things.  What lonelychild said is the brutal truth.  It wasn't about you, it never was.  It was all about her mental illness.  Nothing you could have done, nothing anyone can do, will change her behavior.  Her only hope is for HER to find HER way into therapy and committing to it.  You cannot coax her into this, nobody can.  It is heart-breaking and soul crushing to go through this but even full healthy people must save themselves from their problems.  You mentioned feeling actual physical pain in your chest, this is literal heartbreak as chemicals are released after a hard emotional loss.  I am sorry that you have this pain.  You have found a good place here to share your story, learn and begin to heal.  BPD relationships start out so beautiful and ALWAYS end in tragedy.  In  time you will start to see that it ending is a blessing in disguise.  I know it hurts now, but those that remain with a BPD live a live where they are slowly destroyed by the pwBPD as the pwBPD also destroys themselves.  It is going to take a lot of deprogramming to get your heart and head in order after this but you seem to be highly intelligent so I know you have it in you to come out of this stronger.

 You just got hit by a BPD train, it wrecks you but the silver lining to this horror is that as you come out of this disaster and rebuild yourself you will find new strength, you will learn to do for yourself (self-validate, self-love, self-confidence) all the things that a pwBPD hooks you in with.  pwBPD typically latch on to highly empathetic persons who may have a few issues that keep them from being emotionally healthy enough to run like hell at the first red flag, pwBPD can smell these traits like a bloodhound.  This is fine, it means that you have some amazing personality traits but a few soft spots allowed a deeply disturbed individual to abuse your greatness.  Welcome to bpdfamily.  

[Younique]

I am so very sorry for everything you're going through - it's very painful to lost the people you love - friends and girlfriend alike.  

In your post you said "She says she is a ‘terrible’ person with ‘disordered thinking’, that she might be 'using me' and that she ‘hurts everyone she gets close to’. I don’t believe her." I'm guessing that, at this point, you may understand that you should believe her. It does sound like she's somewhat self aware, although this awareness doesn't help her change her behavior.

While no one here can diagnose another person with borderline personality disorder (BPD), it sounds like you have experienced the typical "push/pull" that is so common in these relationships. It's brutal.  Many of us on these boards can empathize what you've experienced in your relationship; the joyful closeness followed by the coldness and the casual discard.  :'(

What I can tell you is that there is light at the end of the tunnel; although it takes time, you CAN come out of these relationships stronger and more whole. Are you still attempting to contact her?

Stick close to these boards - we're here for you!  

Thank you for reading!

She did try to warn me, but I didn't believe her. I saw it as just a low self-esteem following her breakup and I already had feelings for her. There was no way I could let her go at that point in time, even with her warnings. Some of her behaviour doesnt seem entirely typical of BPD (threats of suicide or self harm was never something she did, neither has she attempted to keep me in her life or come back to me... .yet anyway) but I struggle to find any other disorder that matches the extreme hot/cold dynamic on top of the victim mentality she always holds.

I had a huge period of acting stalkerish shortly after the breakup where I called and texted her constantly saying that I missed her. I know it was this that pushed her even further away from me and it really makes me feel like everything was my fault. I try to focus on the fact that she was mistreating me long before the final breakup and that back then I was doing everything possible to keep her happy but its still hard to not feel like an idiot for missing her so much post-break up. I've become incredibly needy and weak and I understand that my past has a lot to do with it... .I just dont know what to do about it. I actually tried to call her today numerous times on her home phone (she changed her mobile number) but nobody picked up. I really want to call just to vent my frustration, not to get back together. I know, intellectually, that she is a toxic person to be with and is certainly not suitable to be my future wife. I do miss the apparent emotional support I had with her though and I hugely miss her company. Its a terrible mix of love/hate, as I'm sure other BPDx sufferers can relate to. I really really struggle with intellectual and emotional conflict that comes from being separated and betrayed by her.

First of all DON'T feel foolish - we have all been through what you've been through, and it is reasonable to try to make a r/s work with someone you love.

My ex never threatened suicide or self harm and she has not attempted to come back to me... .keep in mind that our ex's are individuals and BPD or not, everyone's story is different.

It's also really common for us to feel like "everything was our fault."  I had this feeling before my relationship ended, so I jumped through every hoop imaginable to "fix" whatever was wrong.  I felt it a long time afterwards, too.  But learning about BPD and reading other people's stories helped me understand that it wasn't anything I did (or didn't do) - my ex was struggling with a mental illness long before she met me, and it made our relationship very, very difficult.

I understand your urge to call her and vent your frustration - you are experiencing the stages of grief and anger is a very healthy, normal stage of grieving, but I would think twice about acting on it because you may find yourself in even MORE pain after it's over.  Take a look at the stages of grief here:  

Lesson 1: Healing: The Big Picture

I always find it helpful to "name" and understand my emotions - it lessens the "sting" of them a little bit. Hopefully reading about the stages of grief will help you do that too.  

You will find yourself cycling back and forth between your love for her and your hatred towards her - this is also very common.  I hope you can take some solace from the fact that your pain WILL lessen over time and you WILL begin to heal. It's a slow, step by step process but you will get there.  I was in an 8 year r/s and am about 8 months post break up and I'm feeling waaaaaaaaaay better.  I wouldn't have imagined that it was possible 6 months ago, I was in THAT much pain.

Is there anyone in your life that you've been able to share your story with?

It has been 7 months post break up for me and I still feel awful. I keep checking her facebook (on an alternate account, she blocked me over 5 months ago), and I keep running into her new 'boyfriend' since he runs in the same social circles as me. I see him texting her over the phone and I've seen photos of them together and its such a gut wrenching thing to have to watch. She has the status among that group as being an innocent victim whereas I am some insane abusive guy - and these are people I've known for years! She is also my first kiss and first sexual partner and knowing that she is with this guy just crushes my soul. I am also struggling with severe sexual frustration as I constantly fantasize about her when I'm on my own. I don't know how to escape from this torture!

I have told the story to every friend I have that is willing to listen and to my family. Most of them don't understand why I would want to make contact with someone who treated me so badly. It's hard for me to explain the mix of emotions I feel so its good to know that people on this forum can understand the alternating feelings of love and hate, which is definitely something I have right now.

[jhkbuzz]

It has been 7 months post break up for me and I still feel awful. I keep checking her facebook (on an alternate account, she blocked me over 5 months ago), and I keep running into her new 'boyfriend' since he runs in the same social circles as me. I see him texting her over the phone and I've seen photos of them together and its such a gut wrenching thing to have to watch. She has the status among that group as being an innocent victim whereas I am some insane abusive guy - and these are people I've known for years! She is also my first kiss and first sexual partner and knowing that she is with this guy just crushes my soul. I am also struggling with severe sexual frustration as I constantly fantasize about her when I'm on my own. I don't know how to escape from this torture!

I have told the story to every friend I have that is willing to listen and to my family. Most of them don't understand why I would want to make contact with someone who treated me so badly. It's hard for me to explain the mix of emotions I feel so its good to know that people on this forum can understand the alternating feelings of love and hate, which is definitely something I have right now.

Yes, most of us here have wrestled with the strong feelings of attachment that you're dealing with... .it feels a little bit like an addiction, doesn't it?

There's a concept you will see discussed on these boards called "no contact."  Aside from the obvious (no phone calls, emails, etc.), it also means you refrain from any kind of online contact: facebook, twitter, pinterest, etc. The idea is that you really can't begin to heal if you keep "reopening" your own wound.

You really can think of your ex as an addiction... .lets use heroin as an example. Imagine you had been using for about 9 months and you began to realize that the addiction was destroying your peace of mind and your health... .moving forward into new plans, projects and experiences was impossible because the addiction had taken over your life. Now imagine that you've decided that enough is enough.  What are some of the steps you would have to take to break your addiction?

The first thing you would have to do is decide not to go near the drug. The temptation would be too strong and you might cave in... .so you avoid all people and places that remind you of the drug. You couldn't decide to avoid it during the week but "dabble on the weekends," could you?  Of course you couldn't - because you know where that path takes you and it ain't good. You might move, you might make new friends, you might try to find a "support buddy" who would talk you out of going to find the drug on the days you felt weak. There are all kinds of actions you would have to take to break your addictive habit.  It would be really, really hard at first, but over time the addiction would weaken and you would grow stronger and healthier and you would move on with your life.

Your ex is an addiction. There are actually scientific studies that discuss the similarities between drug addiction and romantic addiction - because there are many. You believe you can't be happy without her (and we've all felt this way) but you can. She awakened wonderful things in you - your love, your sexuality, your feelings of worthiness - but she has struggles and issues of her own and she cannot or will not give you the love and validation you need.  But here's the good news: there are other women who can. Right now you're probably not interested in that idea - because you're in the throes of your addiction. But if you do the work - if you break the addiction and begin healing yourself, you will discover that there are many whole, healthy women who can love you and give you the support you need - and would be happy to receive the love you have to give in return.

Now it's just up to you to decide that you're sick of living the way you're living and take the first step - go no contact.  Delete your secret accounts, stop torturing yourself and DISTRACT yourself.  Start exercising, take up a hobby, go walk your dog, spend time with friends and family - with the people who love and support you. Think about your future - give yourself hope - and start building your life. Happiness is an inside job - no one can make you happy (or miserable) but YOU.

What are some steps you can take to start healing yourself?

[4Years5Months]

Younique,

The first thing YOU can do and control is not look at anything to do with her, mainly social media.  If it has been seven months since the breakup, and five months since she blocked you, and you are still regularly following her online activity... .that is not healthy.  I know this because I have done it, too.  My ex unfriended me on Facebook immediately after breaking up.  She immediately unfollowed me on Twitter and Instagram.  We grew to know each other on those platforms, and she knows I have an attachment to her in that capacity.  Given you talked to your ex online considerably, it seems you are attached to her there as well.  I would look at my ex's Facebook profile dozens of times each day, and I could only see her public posts and anything I had previously been tagged in.  99.9999% of the time, I was seeing the same information.  It was redundant.

What I was actually doing was looking for ANY kind of sign that there was a chance of her contacting me again.  But there is no way to tell when you can only see certain aspects of their life.  And even then, it's out of your control.  She could be dumped tomorrow and still not contact you.  And it's because of HER illness, not you.  

But then - I would see that she uploaded a photo ("Updated 43 minutes ago" in an album) and freak out.  Is it a photo of her new guy?  Is she out somewhere having fun without me?  It was a trigger, and it would bring me down.  Her Instagram is public.  I would refresh that daily.  She posts a photo there once every two weeks, and I go through the same process.  Who is she with?  What is she doing?

I still struggle with this.  I'm there with you.  I've gotten to where I do it only a couple of times a week.  That's still too much.  That is my biggest trigger in my recovery.  I would strongly advise weening yourself off of that process.

[Younique]

Yes, most of us here have wrestled with the strong feelings of attachment that you're dealing with... .it feels a little bit like an addiction, doesn't it?

There's a concept you will see discussed on these boards called "no contact."  Aside from the obvious (no phone calls, emails, etc.), it also means you refrain from any kind of online contact: facebook, twitter, pinterest, etc. The idea is that you really can't begin to heal if you keep "reopening" your own wound.

You really can think of your ex as an addiction... .lets use heroin as an example. Imagine you had been using for about 9 months and you began to realize that the addiction was destroying your peace of mind and your health... .moving forward into new plans, projects and experiences was impossible because the addiction had taken over your life. Now imagine that you've decided that enough is enough.  What are some of the steps you would have to take to break your addiction?

The first thing you would have to do is decide not to go near the drug. The temptation would be too strong and you might cave in... .so you avoid all people and places that remind you of the drug. You couldn't decide to avoid it during the week but "dabble on the weekends," could you?  Of course you couldn't - because you know where that path takes you and it ain't good. You might move, you might make new friends, you might try to find a "support buddy" who would talk you out of going to find the drug on the days you felt weak. There are all kinds of actions you would have to take to break your addictive habit.  It would be really, really hard at first, but over time the addiction would weaken and you would grow stronger and healthier and you would move on with your life.

Your ex is an addiction. There are actually scientific studies that discuss the similarities between drug addiction and romantic addiction - because there are many. You believe you can't be happy without her (and we've all felt this way) but you can. She awakened wonderful things in you - your love, your sexuality, your feelings of worthiness - but she has struggles and issues of her own and she cannot or will not give you the love and validation you need.  But here's the good news: there are other women who can. Right now you're probably not interested in that idea - because you're in the throes of your addiction. But if you do the work - if you break the addiction and begin healing yourself, you will discover that there are many whole, healthy women who can love you and give you the support you need - and would be happy to receive the love you have to give in return.

Now it's just up to you to decide that you're sick of living the way you're living and take the first step - go no contact.  :)elete your secret accounts, stop torturing yourself and DISTRACT yourself.  Start exercising, take up a hobby, go walk your dog, spend time with friends and family - with the people who love and support you. Think about your future - give yourself hope - and start building your life. Happiness is an inside job - no one can make you happy (or miserable) but YOU.

What are some steps you can take to start healing yourself?

My ex is certainly an addiction for me. I think and obsess about her constantly and I miss her dearly. I know she mistreated me, but the feeling of being together with her outweighed anything she could ever do to me. I miss contact with her, I miss her company and I don't even really care about the arguments we used to have, I just cant wrap my head around her living her life without me in the picture at all!

I know this is me being stupid, and its my emotional attachment getting in the way of logical thinking. She is toxic to be around and she hurts everybody she gets close to - EVERYONE has told me this. She was still a huge part of my life for my long time and my first girlfriend and its hard to lose her entirely without feeling like total hell. She didn't even grieve me and she doesn't miss me at all, its scary how quickly she could turn on me!

I have taken up going to the gym with a friend of mine and I am physically fitter than I have ever been which is about the only thing I have right now boosting my self esteem. I have been talking to family and friends about this all the time and I know people are getting sick of hearing it from me by now. I don't know what to do though. I'm struggling with major depression. I have a high sex drive, humans are sexual beings but I don't believe or crave for sex without love. I crave that intimacy so much and every day I have to go without it. I miss being able to sleep next to her and wake up in the morning with my arm around her. I miss that connection we had and I can't help but feel empty without it. I feel so alone, no matter how many people are around me. Having a sex drive is absolute torture for me. I know people say you shouldn't depend on a relationship to make you happy, but I don't understand how you can live without something so natural and still be content? It drives me mad.