How would you feel if your pwBPD died?

[valet]

This is indeed an odd train of thought, but this question just popped into my head.

For some reason, about an hour ago, I was overcome with this irrational fear that my uBPDex had died. It sent me into a mild panic, and I went and checked everything to see when she was last active (Facebook, twitter, whatsapp). From my evidence, it was only 2 hours ago. She's fine.

Honestly, I was only concerned about her well-being. I don't think that it was explicitly about 'the relationship', which I can say that I don't want back. There was this huge drive in me, though, just to know that she was alright.

When I was growing up, maybe from the ages of 4-16, I'd have these dreams about my parents dying. It was my worst fear in the world. This felt exactly the same way.

Has anyone every encountered these feelings before? Moments like this make me question my own progress.

[peacefulmind]

This is indeed an odd train of thought, but this question just popped into my head.

For some reason, about an hour ago, I was overcome with this irrational fear that my uBPDex had died. It sent me into a mild panic, and I went and checked everything to see when she was last active (Facebook, twitter, whatsapp). From my evidence, it was only 2 hours ago. She's fine.

Honestly, I was only concerned about her well-being. I don't think that it was explicitly about 'the relationship', which I can say that I don't want back. There was this huge drive in me, though, just to know that she was alright.

When I was growing up, maybe from the ages of 4-16, I'd have these dreams about my parents dying. It was my worst fear in the world. This felt exactly the same way.

Has anyone every encountered these feelings before? Moments like this make me question my own progress.

I went through the same thing during my r/s with my ex-BPD. Sometimes I wouldn't hear anything for a whole day. I would, distressed, check everything to make sure he/she was alright. Check local police reports, etc. just to make sure there were no news about a man/woman being in traffic accident and so on.

Now, in the aftermath of the BU and the fact that I never heard a word from him/her after it was over, has made me realise what kind of person he/she is. There is no reason for me to think in these lines, since it is not about our bond anymore. There's nothing in it for me to think about it. My ex-BPD is very high functioning and will go on with his/her life as if nothing ever happened between us, and he/she will be perfectly fine. His/her life is all his/her to own and live now, and I won't put myself in a place where I suddenly let myself be overwhelmed with being overly concerned of the well-being of him/her. The burns and hurt are too much for that.

[Beach_Babe]

Of course, I  would be sad. Would I attend the funeral, send condolences or pay final respects at his deathbed?  Nope.

[FannyB]

I'm guessing I would be sad but ok. If I was still in the idealization period I would be the same. I never felt we would have a happy ending so didn't put all my eggs in her emotional basket - so to speak! My belief was that I would screw the relationship up with my 'perfect woman'! 

[Hadlee]

At this moment in time... .I would be relieved as it would mean I would no longer have to deal with her at my workplace.

Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't wish harm or death on her, but I would much prefer her to be completely out of my life.  Either of us leaving the company isn't going to happen any time soon, if ever, so... . 

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey Valet,

My understanding of what you are saying is that, prior to knowing your ex, you have had this fear which would surface in your dreams?

IMHO... .This does not sound like any reason to question your healing process over your r/s b/u. It sounds reasonable to me, that if this was already a persisting fear from your past, that her seemingly "vanishing" out of your life would easily allow the original fear to resurface for you. I trust your instincts... .I do not think this one was about her or the r/s, I think it is about your original fear, your mind just used her as a vehicle to get the message to you.

I too am finding that thoughts of my ex are causing earlier issues to resurface.  Some issues, I feel stuck on, while others, when given more thought, are helping me gain some clarity.

Do you care to share why you think it is that this fear began originally?

[UserName69]

I decided to vanish from her life completely, so we have no contact. I really don't miss her, I'm glad we broke up. Even if she died I really wouldn't care because for me she is a no-one. I do have a lot of hate feelings for her but I don't wish her to die.

[dobie]

If im honest a mix of jubilation and sadness

 

[SWLSR]

It is a good question.  alot of BPD live unhealthy lifestyles that may well lead to there death.  in my case mine is the mother of there children.   if she were to expire it would hurt them.   It is a teal possibility but try not to think about it. 

[Olivia_D]

I wouldn't want to see any harm come to him.  But, as with the loss of any human life, I would be sad.  I am an empath and I am saddened by the loss of lives for even heinous criminals.  I have never understood the crowd that cheers over another person's execution.  As for him specifically, I would be sad that his life has ended.  I would be particularly saddened if the remainder of his life continued on in the same course that it had in the past -- I would be sad for him that he never really lived a fuller life and walked around totally devoid of the ability to connect with others.  For me, the only sense of relief that would come from his death is that I would know that he couldn't be lurking around a corner.  That is not applauding his death or welcoming it, that is an expression of my fear of him and my need to feel a sense of safety from his unpredictable behavior.  I know that this may sound strange but I would also be left with an odd curiosity of wanting to know if very many people showed up for his funeral.  From what I know, he doesn't maintain long-term connections with people so I would wonder.  I wouldn't attend the funeral, however, I might be tempted to go visit his grave well after the services are done and over with to have my final chat.  God, this is a thought provoking question. 

[Thread]

Sad. But free... .Maybe this answers my should I stay or should I go dilemma 

[valet]

Hey Valet,

My understanding of what you are saying is that, prior to knowing your ex, you have had this fear which would surface in your dreams?

IMHO... .This does not sound like any reason to question your healing process over your r/s b/u. It sounds reasonable to me, that if this was already a persisting fear from your past, that her seemingly "vanishing" out of your life would easily allow the original fear to resurface for you. I trust your instincts... .I do not think this one was about her or the r/s, I think it is about your original fear, your mind just used her as a vehicle to get the message to you.

I too am finding that thoughts of my ex are causing earlier issues to resurface.  Some issues, I feel stuck on, while others, when given more thought, are helping me gain some clarity.

Do you care to share why you think it is that this fear began originally?

Yes, your assumption is absolutely correct. This has been a lingering fear of mine that I never resolved. It faded over time; I assumed that it was just part of growing up, and never sought to address it directly.

My own personal theory about why this happens is such:

My father was an alcoholic. Not the violent type, but he became a different person when he drank. Someone that was so far from who he was that it was like I had two relationships with him: the morning, sober, disgruntled pissed off, angry-at-the-world version; then the drunk, docile, oddly behaving, self-destructive him.

I remember several deeply buried moments in my childhood as of late: one in which I thought he was going to kill himself, and me frantically trying to get in touch with my mother, who was at some kind of community function; the other of him coming home from work fairly intoxicated and my mother slapping him and telling him that she was going to leave and take me and my sister to some other place. This was, I believe, supposed to be a private conflict, but my mom just kind of lost it.

I was constantly afraid that my family would evaporate, that my parents would get divorced and my life would be completely different in a totally negative way. I didn't want to leave home. I didn't want to ruin the illusion of a family that I had stuck in my head.

In truth, my father's behaviors were abusive to himself, the family dynamic, and how I grew to understand how relationships should function. My mother was the consummate caretaker, and while I could rely on my father for many things I never grew close to him. I always resented him for his alcoholism. When he died it didn't really bother me to the core. I was up and running again in about a two weeks. I felt guilty for this, because I didn't truly understand that there was never really an attachment that wasn't imagined there.

Grieving the loss of this relationship has been the most intense and horrible experience of my life. It has not been anything like any other losses that I have suffered, and I have suffered quite a few.

Aside from that small point, I think that this constant underlying tension in my family caused by my father's alcoholism and my mother's ability to 'put up with it' are what created this fear. I was constantly afraid of losing my family. I believe that my subconscious projected extremes onto this scenario as a coping mechanism. The most extreme, final form of loss is death. The thing is, death is a lot easier to make peace with then losing someone that is still alive. Death cancels the dream outright, but during a breakup there are always lingering hopes that take a while to diminish. White Buffalo syndrome, so to speak.

There is a lot of unresolved chaos floating around in my head right now. It's strange, to me, that only now it surfaces. 4 months out, feeling very good, and suddenly quite a bit of intense grief.

The other day the idea that I had to treat this like a death finally clicked into my head. I understand the concept of a relationship dying now. Among many other things, this might be the final piece of the puzzle that I needed to stabilize myself. The full realization that the relationship is dead is the final blow. I believe that it will be all downhill from there, but this might be the most difficult phase of grief that I have gone through so far, oddly.

[iluminati]

The first thing I would do is think of my D5.  My BPD exw may not be a great mother, but she's still HER mother.  I would feel a loss for the lack of reconciliation there.

The other thing is that she let her demons beat her.  In general, that's not a fun thing to see.  When it's someone you shared a life with, it's worse.  It's unfortunate that she's chosen her demons over me, but I wouldn't exactly break out the champagne over her demise.

[Popcorn71]

I'd be really happy if my ex died now.  I could then go out and about without wondering if he would be around.  (We live only a short distance apart and socialise at the same places).

I'd also have the satisfaction of seeing the replacement quickly learn that he isn't as wealthy as he led her to believe and his grown up kids would have a massive problem on their hands getting rid of her and her family.  They are playing happy families now, but without him there to pay for everything, I think things would be very different.  (They had a big part to play in problems between myself and my ex, so I have no sympathy for them).

[Sunfl0wer]

Well it sounds like you have a good understanding on where this fear began.  No wonder you would fear loosing a loved one!  How traumatic! 

It reminds me of several posts I came by recently on emotional flashbacks. Last month I was lying in bed, couldn't get up from the weight of my own grief.  I literally missed work for two days... .I lay in bed just writhing in my grief, crying, and letting it take over.  Because I had earlier read about emotional flashbacks, I was able to recognize this as such.  My emotion, while triggered by the loss of my exBF, was actually a familiar feeling of abandonment/fear/un-wantedness as a child.  It felt like the world was going to swallow me whole in that moment.  I went with it though and just allowed myself the experience, allowing the grief to be felt and explored.  It was a bit tricky to come out of and get back to work... .but slowly I did... .thankfully some folks here held my hand.  I'm grateful that I took that sick day off... .I really think I released some long held grief that needed to come out.

You say it came after 4 months that were more stable?  Did something occur to make it surface? An anniversary or something?  I imagine as we go through at least a year... .we will continue to have opportunities to grow with grief and processing things without our SO for the... .First Xmas, or first hospital scare... .etc.  Actually, this thought just occurred to me, so now I can brace myself and mentally prepare a bit.

You said that the idea of it being a death of the r/s just hit you... .  Have you read the lessons and info in other areas of the site?  They are what I go back to in these moments too!

[Trog]

I answered this when it first came up but my feelings have changed slightly since then as I continue to heal.

I'd be sad. How we've ended it is NC. I suppose there is always some part of me that hopes one day she will get herself well and we can one day have an adult 'im sorry'. Tonight, even I am sorry! Our marriage never stood a chance and not just for BPD, I had some funny ideas about marriage and was not helpful myself! That said, she put me thru hell!

I'd be sad if she died, sad for her family as they had a lot of pain in their history and sad that she never beat her demons and came out the other side. There are some (this smarts to type it!) almost, nearly, close to, 'good' things about my ex, she's very bright and can be very loving, sure she then turns around and pulls the love from under you for kicks and giggles BUT if she could get over the BPD and changed 90% of her personality, she'd be awesome!

I hope one day she beats BPD and I certainly don't want her to die. I'd be much sadder than I am now. She can live her life, live it real far away... .And happy.

[DyingLove]

The question is how would we feel if our X BPD died. I see and hear a lot of guilt, but just remember the question did not ask if you had anything to do with the demise of your ex but only your feelings and passing.

I agree with everyone about the sadness. I'm a compassionate person with feelings, and that's a good portion of why I'm in this mess are ready.

While they are still with us on earth, there is a lot of confusion about why they did what they did and what if they contact us or want to come back or if we want to contact them and we want them back. All that stuff that involves not being able to detach from them.

If they pass away, obviously there will be sadness, obviously there will be questions, but eventually there will also be the realization that it's totally over and done. Nobody is coming back, nobodies calling, were not going to see them in our workplace, and whatever other issues that will be changed because of their nonexistence.

I'll be the first one to say how angry I have been. And in my anger I've wished many things, but these were also things said or thought in anger. I would run out and pull her out of harms way of an oncoming truck. That's just me. But I gotta say that closure would be a heck of a lot better. Gee, I wonder if she would feel the same about me?

[Mutt]

I agree with DyingLove that closure would be easier than the lack of closure I got at the death of our relationship. I feel for each member and how hard it is with lack of closure.

One of my ex's ex partners had tragically died in a highway accident and she was saddened with grief. He was the only one she spoke fondly of and the rest of her exes she has anger and distorts. I'm not sure what camp I fall in yet. The jury's still out. I think it's a safe bet that I'm the only out of her exe's that knows it's a personality disorder. I have learned how to lessen the conflict and suffering for my family and my kids.

I think I would be shocked to hear the news if it was sudden and less so if it was a long-term illness. I would be saddened. My kids would take it hard she is their mom after all. They're young and love her and are not old enough to make their minds up about her. She was a significant part of my life and I would feel loss.

[nowwhatz]

I used to worry about my ex killing herself. Not any more.  If she died I would be sad I supposed but the world would not be any worse without her.

[rickdeckard]

My ex has Huntingtons and plans to take her own life before the disease progresses so far that she cannot think for herself (probably less than 10 years). Since this was an inevitability, I had already been thinking about it while we where together. My intent was to die by her side, not let her die alone, and since I would have nothing else to live for... .

Clearer minds (specifically a dear friend who has BPD) convinced me this was an f'd up thought process. While the ex is free to make her own choices, I should not base mine on them. Funny how things work out sometimes.

So, how will I feel when she dies? I'll feel sad, cry a lot. Even though I understand why she chose to pass, and it was expected, it'll still hurt. I do still care about her. Aways will. But I'll continue on.

[Infared]

Well... .I would not know unless it actually happened, but I think I would just feel relief.

[valet]

Thank you for you replies everyone!

I don't think I ever stated directly how I'd feel, so here it goes:

I would feel immensely sad. She is a very important person to me.

But I would also feel relieved, in the sense that that relationship with hope would be completely diminished to zero.

I guess that this is about personal boundaries here. I might have been lucky in having that dream. I think that it's trying to tell me something, mainly that I am busting my own boundaries right now. Now it's time to build them back up, re-focus on what I want, and let go of the past.

[disorderedsociety]

I'd feel sad she never made it. But other than that, nothing really.

[gomez_addams]

I'd be devastated for a while.  I'm going to be devastated for a while once this divorce is over.  Right now I'm trying to keep emotion out of it so that I can remain calm and sane and get through the process.

I don't wish my stbx uBPDw anything but happiness and health and good things... .I just don't want her in my life anymore.

Gomez

[UserName69]

I'd be really happy if my ex died now.

Don't forget to play this tune at his funeral  

[Beach_Babe]

Relief.

[DyingLove]

Right now I'm kinda grumpy.  Didn't have breakfast, only coffee and it's nearly 2:30pm.  I'm thinking, in this state of mind, maybe I'd send a wreath of her favorite flowers, or maybe I wouldn't.  I'll probably be sorry I wrote this after I eat something today, or maybe I won't. 

[ReclaimingMyLife]

While harassing and stalking me, he threatened suicide. I knew he might be serious.  I also knew he might be lying to get a response.  I did not respond.  I felt badly about that. I felt badly that he put two bad options on the table:  (1) him alive making my life a nightmare or (2) him dead leaving me in peace.  I hated those choices.  Two terrible choices.  But they were his choices. I decided to let the cards fall where they may.  Had he died,

I hope he gets it together. I hope he somehow, somewhere finds a happy life.  But, even now, if someone told me he was dying (he has serious health issues) or was dead, I would require solid proof before taking any action. Would I see him on his deathbed?  Part of me would want to  but I don't think I would.  Would I go to his funeral?  Unlikely but a very slight maybe.  If, and only if, I knew for a FACT that he was dead.  That is how little I trust him.