The borderline Waif

[Raybo48]

Does anyone have any experience with a Borderline Waif.  Once again I'm fairly certain I've gotten myself caught up with a Borderline (at work this time) and she seems to have Waif traits.

Frustrated. 

[Mutt]

What's going on at work that's frustrating?

[Raybo48]

Well, she's been working at my company for 8 years and I decided to start dating her in April of this year.  I'm her manager as well.  This isn't my first go around with a borderline so I just wonder what is wrong with me at this juncture.  My personality is that of a "fixer" so I'm sure that has something to do with it.

I was on this forum about a different relationship a year or so ago and now I've come to realize she's not much different than my previous relationship when it comes to pathological lying, cheating, gaslighting (for lack of better words), etc.   I also found out she was arrested for shop lifting the very next day after our first date in April. I have not informed her that I know, but it's pretty disturbing considering she told me she needed to take a day off in May for a court date regarding he ex-husband and then I came to find out that court date was for the theft. 

I could go on for pages here, but the frustrating part is my gut went off right away with her and I didn't listen, again.  I also think she's involved with another co-worker, but she claims they are just "very close friends".   I've read about the BPD Waif so I think she fits the bill, but of course I'm no expert.  We are still currently seeing each other, but I can tell the 'honeymoon phase' is over and she can take me or leave me at this point.

So yeah, very frustrating... .

[hashtag_loyal]

My dBPDxgf is the poster girl for BPD Waifs. What, specifically, are you looking to learn?

[NoNoNo]

Leave man. Just leave. If you already experienced this kind of r/s and you have figured she falls into this criteria, there is no point delaying the inevitable. You know what the outcome will be, you know it will not be sweet and you know there is no way for you to alter it. Just leave before you get hurt.

[Raybo48]

Typical traits, etc.  I'm also looking to find out how to handle her so she doesn't unleash her crazy on me at my 25 year job.  I'm not about to tell her she has BPD or I know she's been lying to me for months.  I'm just trying to figure out how to tap the breaks with her in an office of 12 people.  She's not ready to discard me yet because I obviously serve a purpose still, but that being said I'm on her radar less and less.

I'm just trying to get myself out of this mess I created.

[enlighten me]

My ex wife was a waif type and my exgf was a queen type.

Just curious what type your first was as part of the thing that attracted me to my exgf was she seemed so different to my ex wife.

[Mutt]

Typical traits, etc.  

What typical traits? Was she helpless and needing rescue?

[Raybo48]

Yes. Helpless, no money, needs rescue, always an issue or crisis, constant physical problems popping up, the victim, constantly talks about herself, rarely if ever asks about me, little to no empathy, says she has "trouble with words" yet has no trouble attacking when questioned too much about her behavior or questionable whereabouts.   That is the short list.

[neverloveagain]

My ex gf of 10 years is a waif, my only advice is if you suspect she is abandon ship before she strips you of every once of your being right under your nose. And in the end you won't be able to keep up with table turning no joke. Be careful of the silent assassin.

[hashtag_loyal]

Pathological lying? Yes.

Cheating? Yes.

Gaslighting? Yes.

A close relationship with a male co-worker who is just a "friend"? Yes.

It certainly sounds like you have a good idea what you are dealing with. You know the waif, and waifs gonna waif.

As far was what to do about it? That is a difficult question, and I hope you are prepared that this will end badly no matter which way it goes.

I think your instincts are correct that it would be bad to try to confront her on anything. You are also begging for a sexual harassment suit if you try to do anything to her.

Maybe the best course of action is the "fade out?" Just slowly stop seeing her and giving her attention without officially breaking it off? If she's a typical waif, she has plenty of guys in her stable and it won't take her long to find someone to replace you in her rotation.

[Mutt]

What's going on in the workplace? I can imagine how stressful that would be.

[Raybo48]

My ex gf of 10 years is a waif, my only advice is if you suspect she is abandon ship before she strips you of every once of your being right under your nose. And in the end you won't be able to keep up with table turning no joke. Be careful of the silent assassin.

I hear you... .She is super quiet and it took me some time to pick up on her.  She's extremely convincing, but I eventually saw holes in many of her stories.  It also didn't help when I texted her and I saw my name pop up as 'Amy' on her phone.  She has four boys ranging from 15-25 and she uses them as an excuse all the time for her whereabouts and lack of availability, so she told me her 19 year old was very nosey and that's why she had "Amy" on her phone.   She switched it to my real name in front of me, but who knows if it stays that way very often.  That is one of many examples of her shady behavior. 

I blame myself for getting into this mess actually.  I should have been able to identify a BPD a mile away after being involved with one for nearly three years prior.  She was different, but the main traits are very close.

[Raybo48]

What's going on in the workplace? I can imagine how stressful that would be.

It's very stressful because I know she's involved with a former friend of mine of 16 years.  I said former because she's the direct cause of the rift between us.  She claims they have been very good friends for a couple of years now and have just kept it quiet?   That may be true, but one would think after I started dating her in April she would have filled me in on that.  Instead I noticed a rather comfortable behavior between them and when I started to question her she tried to make me sound like I was a crazed-paranoid person.  Then she finally admitted they have been close for a long time and he's like "her brother".  Constantly texting, talking on the phone, and visits to her apartment that I found out about, which probably isn't the half of it.   I don't have any issues with a male friend, but when your gut starts shooting off signal flares I think you should listen more times than not especially when you didn't get the full truth in the beginning.  

So the three of us sit within 10 feet of each other at work, which is extremely stressful to be sure.

[Invictus01]

Walk away. The only way to handle it.

[Raybo48]

Pathological lying? Yes.

Cheating? Yes.

Gaslighting? Yes.

A close relationship with a male co-worker who is just a "friend"? Yes.

It certainly sounds like you have a good idea what you are dealing with. You know the waif, and waifs gonna waif.

As far was what to do about it? That is a difficult question, and I hope you are prepared that this will end badly no matter which way it goes.

I think your instincts are correct that it would be bad to try to confront her on anything. You are also begging for a sexual harassment suit if you try to do anything to her.

Maybe the best course of action is the "fade out?" Just slowly stop seeing her and giving her attention without officially breaking it off? If she's a typical waif, she has plenty of guys in her stable and it won't take her long to find someone to replace you in her rotation.

I think that's the best plan... .To fade out slowly and move on.  She lives in an apartment with her 15 year old son (who's probably not there nearly as often as she says), but I actually think she's still married.  Even worse.   I've also heard her on the phone with other men so the guy at work is one of several in 'the rotation'.

[C.Stein]

I think that's the best plan... .To fade out slowly and move on. 

I unintentionally "faded out" of my relationship, however the emotions I am dealing with post discard are very much like I didn't.  I guess the point here is ... .be prepared.

[Raybo48]

I think that's the best plan... .To fade out slowly and move on. 

I unintentionally "faded out" of my relationship, however the emotions I am dealing with post discard are very much like I didn't.  I guess the point here is ... .be prepared.

I have been preparing actually.  My sleep patterns have been totally off, high anxiety, etc.  This would have been far easier if I didn't work with her, but it's my fault for going down that road early in the year.

[JohnLove]

Hello Raybo48, you self blame is a little on the high side. That in itself will cause you to suffer. We all make mistakes, but you are smart enough to realise yours. I am in a relationship with a waif. You are self aware to realise your part in this. You are also smart enough to see through her "fake", because you have been here before. You are only getting smarter. Those are positive aspects...

She is probably very attractive... .and men are visual creatures.   ... .although your depiction of her I find less than desirable.

In the process of fading out you will need to become a lot less concerned for her and her chaos... .become uninterested, and unhelpful. Esentially you want to become boring. Probably the opposite of what you have been. Keep it professional at work. Hopefully she will rotate you with another parked in rotation and that will be that.

[Wu-tang]

I agree, try to fade out slowly. You are in a precarious position. The last thing you want is her to act out and jeopardise everything you've worked hard to achieve.

I read that when BPD sense you have one foot out of the door or think you may be trying to leave they preempt it and leave first. Although it may hurt it may serve to convince her it was her choice. She'll probably still 'split' but hopefully not to such an extreme level.

[Raybo48]

Hello Raybo48, you self blame is a little on the high side. That in itself will cause you to suffer. We all make mistakes, but you are smart enough to realise yours. I am in a relationship with a waif. You are self aware to realise your part in this. You are also smart enough to see through her "fake", because you have been here before. You are only getting smarter. Those are positive aspects...

She is probably very attractive... .and men are visual creatures.   ... .although your depiction of her I find less than desirable.

In the process of fading out you will need to become a lot less concerned for her and her chaos... .become uninterested, and unhelpful. Esentially you want to become boring. Probably the opposite of what you have been. Keep it professional at work. Hopefully she will rotate you with another parked in rotation and that will be that.

Johnlove, thank you for your perspective, that really helped.  Yeah, I think I've beat myself up a bit more than usual because I have been to this movie before I and I knew the outcome already.  She always says she has a lot of fun with me so I think being that 'boring guy' may just be what the doctor ordered.  Thank you again!

[musherx]

Sometimes the best way to get rid of someone is to be sort of available, but very boring and unable to solve their emergencies. Never underestimate a pwBPD's need for stimulation and drama. Being boring and incompetent is an art and it can save your life if done right.