She knows her ex and I are now friends.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So I'm 11 months out of the relationship now which was only 2 months long... .but we were friends/acquaintances 9 years so I think that explains why I fell so hard & fast.

The pain has largely gone but I get these intrusive thoughts that just basically scream "unfinished business".  Last real contact I had at Xmas she started chatting in a civil manner but the moment I said something she didnt like she blocked & threatened a restraining order. (We're in the UK, I don't think they are easy to get without some evidence of me being a threat? - which I'm not,  I'm a peaceful guy). All I want is to have peace and let her know if she's ever ready to confront her issues I would always be supportive of her in doing that.  

I ended up befriending one of her exes who I met through a mutual friend and we validated each other which was good.  He said he'd stopped going to events in the music scene we all enjoy the last 2 years for fear of seeing her as he was so messed up by his 18 months with her. So I took him with me to an event and she was there.  We blanked her and vice versa. Wehad a fun night! However I actually now feel bad for her - it must be awful to see 2 ex's have become friends & know we'll have been "comparing notes".   Furthermore I feel like I'm betraying my new friend now when I still think about wanting to make peace with her... .and knowing that is even less likely now she's seen me out with him.  

Anyway the thoughts are with me everyday and they make me unproductive... .they are my "go to" thoughts for procrastination purposes. Could it be OCD?... .I've always had an addictitve personality... .Computer games & football as a kid, nights out / gambling through my 20s, poker (like really studying it) in my 30s, and now her since we started seeing each other I think.   Can anyone relate to this, has anyone got to this stage of intrusive thoughts and found a fix?  

Thanks.
edit: I should also add I believe I have undiagnosed Adult ADHD.
      

[Dargumin]

So I'm 11 months out of the relationship now which was only 2 months long... .but we were friends/acquaintances 9 years so I think that explains why I fell so hard & fast.

The pain has largely gone but I get these intrusive thoughts that just basically scream "unfinished business".  Last real contact I had at Xmas she started chatting in a civil manner but the moment I said something she didnt like she blocked & threatened a restraining order. (We're in the UK, I don't think they are easy to get without some evidence of me being a threat? - which I'm not,  I'm a peaceful guy). All I want is to have peace and let her know if she's ever ready to confront her issues I would always be supportive of her in doing that.  

I ended up befriending one of her exes who I met through a mutual friend and we validated each other which was good.  He said he'd stopped going to events in the music scene we all enjoy the last 2 years for fear of seeing her as he was so messed up by his 18 months with her. So I took him with me to an event and she was there.  We blanked her and vice versa. Wehad a fun night! However I actually now feel bad for her - it must be awful to see 2 ex's have become friends & know we'll have been "comparing notes".   Furthermore I feel like I'm betraying my new friend now when I still think about wanting to make peace with her... .and knowing that is even less likely now she's seen me out with him.  

Anyway the thoughts are with me everyday and they make me unproductive... .they are my "go to" thoughts for procrastination purposes. Could it be OCD?... .I've always had an addictitve personality... .Computer games & football as a kid, nights out / gambling through my 20s, poker (like really studying it) in my 30s, and now her since we started seeing each other I think.   Can anyone relate to this, has anyone got to this stage of intrusive thoughts and found a fix?  

Thanks.
edit: I should also add I believe I have undiagnosed Adult ADHD.
      

[Speck]

I do have two questions for you: Are you wishing for a re-connect with your ex? Or, are you trying to get her out of your head? I'm not sure which way you are leaning, here, and knowing the answer will allow us to serve you better.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

[Dargumin]

I'm very conflicted... . my heart only remembers the good bits of the relationship and the friendship before we were together - my head says I need to give it up as a bad job.  A third part of me is a bit darker... .I don't want to be just "another ex" in a long line of exes, i want to be THE EX... .and would like  her to be thinking of me in ANY way rather than not be thought of at all.  I.e she's made it so clear she wants nothing to do with me, that I don't want to give her what she wants because why should she get her way all the time?     I kind of flip flop through these 3 kinds of thinking over the space of a week or two.

Just to add - sometimes I feel that since she started hating me for no good reason - I sometimes think I might as well give her a real reason to hate me. At least then in my brain her hate would make sense.   I want her to regret hating me for no reason... .  but then I remember it's an illness and she had no choice in it... .and then I go back to wanting to make peace and so the cycle continues.   I know this sounds awful but sometimes I wish she wasn't High Functioning, because then she'd know she wasn't fine and it wouldn't be such a mind bender that she holds down a really great job which makes me doubt myself, despite the testimonies of other exes.

[Skip]

It really seems so unjust that I'm left with a broken heart, mourning both the loss of a lover and a friend and blocked from all forms of contact & struggling to get anywhere career wise - whilst she is well over me, dating all the replacements she can and juggling this with a great career.  How do High Functioning types manage to keep it together so well at work?   And is it common for them to be workaholics like my ex is?

I actually now feel bad for her - it must be awful to see 2 ex's have become friends & know we'll have been "comparing notes".   Furthermore I feel like I'm betraying my new friend now when I still think about wanting to make peace with her... .and knowing that is even less likely now she's seen me out with him.

Having spoken to the other ex's and having known her 9 years... .it feels like Im the only one who has put the pieces of the puzzle together and realised she has BPD. Armed with this knowledge I feel terrible to just let her suffer in ignorance to her condition.  She's not a girl i just met on a dating site - I have a stronger connection... I can , with the help of ex's,  either 1) tell her (worst idea) 2 ) tell her friends 3) tell the new guy... .not to put him off her but so he is best placed to help her.

I'm so grateful this board exists and I just have a suggestion really.
Is it possible to have a separate section dedicated to nons dealing with "High Functioning" pwBPD?
I feel sometimes what a non deals with when encountering a HF pwBPD can be quite different to a non's encounter with a LF pwBPD.  There's a lot more self doubt for the non as the HFpwBPD... .

80% of our Detaching members come from high functioning, BPD lite, subclinical BPD relationships. You are with peers. 

There are a lot of complications here.

[Jeffree]

Last real contact I had at Xmas she started chatting in a civil manner but the moment I said something she didnt like she blocked & threatened a restraining order.

The above dynamic is a great thing to keep in mind when you think reconciling is a wise idea.

That's a pretty dramatic reaction to a difference in opinion.

J

[Speck]

Hello again, Dargumin:

I'm very conflicted... .I don't want to be just "another ex" in a long line of exes, i want to be THE EX... .and would like her to be thinking of me in ANY way rather than not be thought of at all.  I.e she's made it so clear she wants nothing to do with me, that I don't want to give her what she wants because why should she get her way all the time?

I'm sorry you're stuck in this rumination loop. From what you've described, it sounds very frustrating. But, I understand that you are still processing this breakup, and that's great. It's the way forward, for sure. The feelings you've described above showcase a common feeling/reaction of not understanding the proverbial why? I understand this, my friend; you are not alone.

The bad news? Although it's hard to hear, you may never know why she discarded you.

The good news? Although it's hard to accept, it doesn't matter why she discarded you.

The fact remains is that she did, and now it's your turn 1.) to take the lesson that people can be downright nasty for concealed reasons, 2.) to process the wound, and then 3.) to eventually heal - to become a more robust, fortified, and wiser human being than you were before you faced this trauma. So, you see... .all of this work is yours; your ball, your court.

Your ex has already boogied on down the road with her reasons... .

And, another thing, your compassion for her probable diagnosis of BPD only speaks to your humanity, but I highly doubt that your informing her of it will bode well for any future friendship that you may be entertaining. And furthermore, not doing so lets your off the hook for being responsible for her behavior, because you're not.


Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning.


-Speck

[Dargumin]

Hello again, Dargumin:

I'm sorry you're stuck in this rumination loop. From what you've described, it sounds very frustrating. But, I understand that you are still processing this breakup, and that's great. It's the way forward, for sure. The feelings you've described above showcase a common feeling/reaction of not understanding the proverbial why? I understand this, my friend; you are not alone.

The bad news? Although it's hard to hear, you may never know why she discarded you.

The good news? Although it's hard to accept, it doesn't matter why she discarded you.

The fact remains is that she did, and now it's your turn 1.) to take the lesson that people can be downright nasty for concealed reasons, 2.) to process the wound, and then 3.) to eventually heal - to become a more robust, fortified, and wiser human being than you were before you faced this trauma. So, you see... .all of this work is yours; your ball, your court.

Your ex has already boogied on down the road with her reasons... .

And, another thing, your compassion for her probable diagnosis of BPD only speaks to your humanity, but I highly doubt that your informing her of it will bode well for any future friendship that you may be entertaining. And furthermore, not doing so lets your off the hook for being responsible for her behavior, because you're not.


Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning.


-Speck

Yes the rumination loop is very frustrating. That's why I entitled the thread about it triggering OCD.  I noticed you changed the title, but the original post was really asking does  anyone else feel intrusive thoughts about a BPDex could be a symptom of OCD and if so is this curable?  I'm 11 months out of the relationship now... .although yes regular contact remained until June. One of my ocd habits is I check if she has reactivated her FB every day. Im not even her friend on fb so it would just be her profile pic and cover pic that I could see.  I hope its just  abad habit I can break, but I worry that it's more than that.

[Speck]

Yes the rumination loop is very frustrating. That's why I entitled the thread about it triggering OCD.

Thank you for clarifying that. I understand you better now.

I noticed you changed the title, but the original post was really asking does  anyone else feel intrusive thoughts about a BPDex could be a symptom of OCD and if so is this curable?

Sometimes the moderators will change title of threads to be more readable. I will ask them to change this title to better reflect your sentiment.

I'm 11 months out of the relationship now... .although yes regular contact remained until June. One of my ocd habits is I check if she has reactivated her FB every day. Im not even her friend on fb so it would just be her profile pic and cover pic that I could see.  I hope its just  abad habit I can break, but I worry that it's more than that.

I'm sorry you're feeling out of control with the checking her FB daily stuff. It certainly sounds frustrating to be hung up on an ex in this way. Hopefully, this urge will ease in time. Maybe some other members here have familiarity with OCD behaviors post break-up and can speak to this particular problem.

Please feel free to keep processing this break-up here if it helps you.

And, yes, absolutely we will change your title to reflect your particular question!


-Speck

[Husband321]

My ex wife was married for ten years prior to me. 

I was the guy to marry her after she divorced him. We warned me etc.

At first me and this ex hated each other.   Now we talk almost daily.

We did compare notes.  And in a way it felt good.

We both were sort of validated that it "wasn't us". The lies.  Cheating. Gas lighting. Immaturity.  Disappearing etc.  exactly what she did to him, she did to me.

I still think he almost wants her back though.  So it is a bit strange.

[Dargumin]

My ex wife was married for ten years prior to me. 

I was the guy to marry her after she divorced him. We warned me etc.

At first me and this ex hated each other.   Now we talk almost daily.

We did compare notes.  And in a way it felt good.

We both were sort of validated that it "wasn't us". The lies.  Cheating. Gas lighting. Immaturity.  Disappearing etc.  exactly what she did to him, she did to me.

I still think he almost wants her back though.  So it is a bit strange.

The thing is, for some of us, once we know/or suspect it's BPD, an illness... .we can be too forgiving.  My brain tells me that ever getting back with my girl would be totally stupid.  My heart says that she's my soulmate, and if she'd just admit she has a problem and seeks help I could work with that, presuming she un-split me at the same time.

 In a way I regret that I learned about BPD. It seems better to be ignorant like her other ex's and just mark her as "evil" and walk away happy to have "dodged a bullet".  But I know that its an illness for which there is treatment.  I've lost a friend of nine years to a treatable  illness she doesn't even know she has and I can't tell her about it because everyone says you should never diagnose.  She hates me, I love her. Absolutely heartbreaking.