Walk away or help?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I’m fairly certain my previous partner has quiet uBPD. I just had a falling out and pretty sure I’m now painted black. I’m just finding out how serious the disorder could potentially be. I’m afraid to contact her and encourage professional help as I may be looked upon as stalking or harassment. Should I not care and run away counting my blessings? I’m currently dating someone else and have no hidden agenda, just want to see her get better.

[En1gma]

I’m fairly certain my previous partner has quiet uBPD. I just had a falling out and pretty sure I’m now painted black. I’m just finding out how serious the disorder could potentially be. I’m afraid to contact her and encourage professional help as I may be looked upon as stalking or harassment. Should I not care and run away counting my blessings? I’m currently dating someone else and have no hidden agenda, just want to see her get better.

[Mutt]

Hi En1gma,



Your question has been asked by many members since I’ve been on these boards. You like many members here have big hearts - caretakers. It’s completely understandable that you want to try to help. It’s very noble.

It’s good that you pose your question to the board because you can get a different perspective. Let’s flip the roles around, ask yourself how that would feel like if someone told you that they think that you’re mentally ill with a personality disorder that to this day still has a heavy stigma attached to it.

How would you react?

[En1gma]

Hi En1gma,



Your question has been asked by many members since I’ve been on these boards. You like many members here have big hearts - caretakers. It’s completely understandable that you want to try to help. It’s very noble.

It’s good that you pose your question to the board because you can get a different perspective. Let’s flip the roles around, ask yourself how that would feel like if someone told you that they think that you’re mentally ill with a personality disorder that to this day still has a heavy stigma attached to it.

How would you react?

The real answer to your question is, it depends.
- Is the person genuinely concerned about my wellbeing
- Do I trust you? Will this be kept private?
- How self aware am I

After my ex BPD romantic interest dumped me I contacted her and mentioned what I discovered while dating. Without anger I suggested therapy and some of my concerns. She thanked me and seemed very self aware and that recently other close friends suggested the same. She mentioned I was the only person that was smart enough to catch on (probably a lie but it felt good). She mentioned it was hard to find a therapist that was a good fit for her (evidently she’s been to a therapist before). I was probably dumped because I was very keen to red flags and I was open to her about what I was seeing. I would like to approach her again however, the farther I dive down the rabbit hole of BPD the less enthusiastic I am to bother. I’m concerned about her safety and the welfare of future people involved with her more than anything. Part of me wants to help yet I think, it’s really none of my business at this point.

[Mutt]

I’m concerned about her safety and the welfare of future people involved with her more than anything.

Why do you think that you’re responsible for her and her actions unto others? I guess that it would assuage your feelings.

[En1gma]

Why do you think that you’re responsible for her and her actions unto others? I guess that it would assuage your feelings.

Definitely not thinking I’m responsible for her actions unto others. Since my original post, I’ve come to a rational conclusion, she like most BPD won’t ever get better, it’s tragic.

[Mutt]

You can have compassion with boundaries for a pwBPD.

Some pwBPD do get better and some don’t. You have to have the desire to want to change and with a pwBPD it won’t happen until they’re no longer enabled and have their backs to the wall. I just think that it can be a personal experience, they have to go through it in order for real change to happen.

Some people never change and you don’t have to be a pwBPD, it would be different if we’re in a r/s with our pwBPD but being out of the r/s, it’s not our problem anymore.

I’d like it if my exuBPDw got help for herself, there was a period where I was still attached to her. I’d like for her to change because of our kids, she is their mother after all, maybe they’ll face less emotional abuse than their older sister did and she’s a pwBPD like her mother.

I choose to not make matters worse, I stay at a distance and I don’t enable her, I’m one less person out of the equation, if she loses people that enable her, then maybe she’ll finally get help.

Good discussion En1gma, sometimes we need to bounce things off of someone else to re-center ourselves.