BPD mother now homeless. I'm exhausted.

[Sage9778]

Hello,
I am new to this group and I want to introduce myself.  My mother who has BPD became homeless this week and it has really done a number on me... .I feel wrapped up in her cause again where I had created great boundaries with her for so long.  A case working helping me guide her towards shelters and homeless assistance suggested I come here because I need emotional support on this.

There is so much more to say but I'm exhausted... .

Sincerely,
Daughter of a BPD mother

[Harri]

Hi Sage.  Welcome to the board.  You have found a good, safe, supportive place where a lot of people can relate, if not to the exact specifics of your situation then definitely to the emotional toll that having a BPD parent can take.  We do have some posters whose parent has been homeless and some who came very close to it due to poor choices and/or dysfunctional behaviors so you are not alone.  As difficult as it can be, you can get to a point where you can better manage your emotions and feel much better.

I think I can understand how having a parent with BPD become homeless adds a whole new dimension to the difficult emotions you must be having.  There is no need to share all the details right away.  for now, just know you have found a great place of support and understanding and just let yourself breathe.

Feel free to roam the site, and read and post as you feel the need or desire.  We get it here.

[Mutt]

Hi Sage9778,



Id like to join Harri and welcome you to bpdfamily. I’m sorry to hear about your mom, that has to be difficult to go through  I’d like to echo Harri you don’t have to share everything right away I completely understand how emotionally draining that a owBPD can be, it can feel like sharing just takes it out of you. I just wanted to say hang in there and you’re not alone. I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts.

[Speck]

Welcome, Sage9778!



I would like to join Harri and Mutt in welcoming you to the discussion forums. We are so glad you're here, although we're sorry for the circumstance(s) that brought you to our shores. Yes, this is a safe harbor. So, feel free to drop your anchor and be supported. That's what we do here.

Thank you for sharing with us what you have thus far:

My mother who has BPD became homeless this week and it has really done a number on me... .I feel wrapped up in her cause again where I had created great boundaries with her for so long.

It is extremely difficult to detach from someone who suffers from BPD as the level of enmeshment involved in such a relationship is more entangled than a relationship between a Non and a Non. I am so sorry you are left feeling like this, however, I'm glad to hear that you have access to a case worker. Do you also have access to a therapist? I believe sorting through this stuff with a counselor could be key to your healing. Besides personal therapy, a positive thing that you have already done for yourself is reached out to us. Believe me when I say this: We understand.

I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[Turkish]

How did she become homeless and where is she right now?

My mother ended up like this last year,  but based upon her low functioning, ended up kind of committed to a nursing home. She was first kicked out of her Hoard Shack, then unable to function at a long term stay motel safely on her own. Is your mother's case worker from Adult Protective Services? Does your mother have income from a pension or Social Security?

[Speck]

Hello, Sage9778:

How have you been doing since the last time you shared?

We're here if you need to talk.


-Speck

[Penny123]

Hello Sage9778,

I'm sorry to hear your Mom is homeless. I'm afraid of this as well. My 73 year old BPDMom hasn't made good financial decisions throughout her life and is getting worse. On top of normal bad decisions, she has bought illegal drugs and she has stated she has given quite abit of money to a sketchy "friend" (who has been arrested for fraud on multiple occasions and has stolen money from my Mom). My brother and I have tried to help her budget her monthly income and savings but to no avail. I've given her money for a few car payments and therapist among other things. She isn't honest about disclosing finances, acts impulsively, and is very secretive. I see her as an endless pit for needing money esp if she is still buying illegal klonopin or pain medication.  Also, I don't know if I can even afford her lifestyle. She will bully, harass, lie, manipulate, and guilt me for money and it has worked.                 My brother and my Dad (which is her ex-husband), and I have talked and they think I shouldn't enable anymore with money. It could mean eventually that she is thrown out of her apartment, loses her car, defaults on her credit cards, could face withdrawals, and/or end up killing herself. She made the threat last night of killing herself when I said, I can't/won't provide you money. I don't think she will hurt herself but you never know. I love her but I'm not responsible for the financial decisions she makes and she won't listen to my brother/my advice. She is also in a downhill slide mentally and I asked her if she wants me to visit (she lives 6 hours away). I keep telling her I'm available to talk or that she needs to get in touch with her therapist. My prayers are with you during this difficult time and know you are not alone.

[Penny123]

Hello Turkish, you bring up some good questions and ideas. In Alabama, there is DHR (Department of Human Resources) which has Adult Protection Services. My brother/ I might use them if it gets really bad. My BPD mom gets an alimony check and government money and lives in HUD housing.  I just wish she would live in the confines within her monthly budget which is not really that bad (a little over $2,000 a month). However, if illegal stuff like buying drugs is going on, the monthly income won't work for her. My Mom texted me this morning and she says she is going to the hospital because she has been cutting herself (who knows if this is true). If so, hopefully a case worker will be assigned to her. She says she has contacted DHR but I doubt it. I told her I'm willing to visit her over the weekend because she says she needs family but then she says no. 

[proserpine]

I have no words other than to let you know you're not alone.  I have the same feelings of guilt, frustration and hopelessness.  I feel complete dread when I see a homeless person or a drunk woman in the street.  I wonder if it is her. And when it's not her, I wonder whether she is also living like the person I've just seen. 

I dread the moment when her supply of anger runs out because this is the emotion which helps her to cope with her situation. If she doesn't have someone to blame she would have to face the reality of what she has become and face the damage she has caused.  I worry about her reaching this point.  I fear the suicide statistics.  Her reality is so very sad.

I know you have to protect yourself because without boundaries you fall further into their dark abyss and drag other family members down with you as well.  It's like dominoes. I also know that your loved one has to want to be helped and accept they have a problem.  Knowing this doesn't make it easier.  It doesn't change the fact that you are consciously allowing someone you should love to self destruct.  You know that the worse case scenario is their death.  This is the reality of having a loved one with BPD. 

My loved one - I'm not sure how much I love her now though.  I don't even know who she is anymore, she's so totally lost - she has ASC, bipolar and alcoholism as well.  She's a barrel of laughs.

Hope being in company with others dealing with weird realities that no one outside Oz could fathom helps.  I don not speak to anyone outside my immediate family about my sister.  Its too crazy, too messy and too sad.