I'd like to win her back, but am not sure how

[CryWolf]

Hows everything going waitinggame?

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[WaitingGame]

Well, I'm still where I was months ago. I have no idea how to proceed. I do not want to be the second guy or a backup plan.

 Do I just tell her goodbye, and request to reach me if she ever is single again. Or do I continue to be available to talk, and meet with her on her terms, and have sex with her?

I worry that if I tell her goodbye, that will be the end of it. I don't fear to lose her anymore though. If I continue seeing her, she does not really have a motivation to change the circumstances since she is getting what she wants. It seems that I am her backup plan.

What is the best way for me to proceed?

[CryWolf]

What do you think will possibly give you the end goal you want to achieve?

You don’t want to be a backup plan right?

[WaitingGame]

The end goal for me would be to be in a relationship with her.

It seems that in her past she always went back to her backup plan if things didnt work in the relationship.

I am not really sure what will happen if I say goodbye and ask to contact me when she is single.

[CryWolf]

Is that something you’re willing to do?

In my case I didn’t want friendship when my ex broke up with me but to continue seeing another romantically. I had to say what I wanted and had to walk away.

[Euler2718]

I wanna say I have a similar situation! I don't send I love you texts like that one (I have feelings, it's just going to cause her discord and I have to trust God; she knows how I feel, though, I think). She loves to talk to me as she falls asleep, then as she did this she would be like "I love you Soo much" as she fell asleep.

A pertinent and harsh question could be why do you want her back -- because you don't want to be distanced and left, do you? I have fear of abandonment, but it's confusing -- is it my own neuroticism or am I afraid of something real and likely? Life was simpler in my 20s, ha ha. Have a good enough day and Wentworth etc give reasonable advice. It's pretty hard not to react though, when you are "turmoiled".

[once removed]

Well, I'm still where I was months ago.

whats going on specifically? is she still in the same relationship? are the two of you hooking up?

It seems that in her past she always went back to her backup plan if things didnt work in the relationship.

well, there are "back up plans", and then theres whats comfortable, but doesnt necessarily hold in the long term.

I am not really sure what will happen if I say goodbye and ask to contact me when she is single.

you can do this, but theres a pretty low success rate, and it will likely be received as "i only care about you if youre my girlfriend".

its the harder, but healthier and more effective method to just live it... .to slowly detach emotionally and physically.

[Euler2718]

"its the harder, but healthier and more effective method to just live it... .to slowly detach emotionally and physically"

I'm sorta doing this because I "sense" it's a healthy thing to do, but why did you say this? It's so painful, I need motivation I guess. And so many people pick the "easiest" solution: jump into something with someone else (I'm not gonna do that, it seems unhealthy, but I understand if it killed the pain what an awesome temptation that would be).

[WaitingGame]

So that relationship with the other guy is over now. She moved out and got her own place. She reached out to me recently, and she was trying to meet but during the conversation behaved distant and cold. (We havent met yet)

Do I still let her initiate and not do anything? Would love bombing be appropriate in these circumstances?

[once removed]

tell us more... .she reached out, but was distant and cold? what did she say?

i wouldnt love bomb, or otherwise act in an over the top manner, in any circumstances.

[Euler2718]

You didn't say why, though. To me, "love bombing" is pretending to have more feelings than you actually have for the purpose of inducing a romantic reaction in the other person. So it's 1. Dishonest and 2. Manipulative.

Of course, having a huge feeling and showing it is not necessarily dishonest or manipulative. That's why for a BPD it may not be "wrong" -- there were a lot of times I wanted to pretend I had different feelings than I did (to draw her closer or keep her) but I pretty much stuck to the truth.

[WaitingGame]

First of all she said that she feels numb after the breakup, and needs just a friend to which I agreed - why wouldn't I ? Then she proposed meeting with her and her friends. I asked if she is afraid to see me alone, and she responded that she doesn't want to freak out on me and also wants me meet her friends. Last night when she called, she had me on the speaker . First she wanted to meet for dinner, and I was not available to meet at the time when she had free time. Then she said that she needs to talk to me about college applications (I'm a college professor) and said she can't think of anyone better to talk to. Her circumstances are making it pretty much impossible to go to college. I started teaching as a side job earlier this year so that she could have fee remission. I told her that, I already said what the best way is, but she said that this is not an option right now. I asked her if she's dating someone (and I explained that it would be hard for me to be involved if she's started seeing someone new). She said that she needs friends, and avoided answering the question. I finally agreed to meet with her this week, but have not heard any follow up on the time.

Also, at the beginning of the conversation, she mentioned that her most recent ex tried to commit suicide 2 days before, but somehow instead of shooting himself, he shot his hand and is at risk of having one of the fingers being amputated. I told her that I do not want to talk to her about him with her, to which she responded that I am insensitive. I also asked if she wants to be back with him, to which she replied no. Then, I changed the subject and the conversation went on.

[WaitingGame]

Also, I have very strong feelings for her. I wouldn't love bomb her to be manipulative. It would be my way of showing her how much I love her. However, I have been restraining myself from showing how strongly I feel for her, to no push her away. I worry that if I start sending her flowers every day, and pursue her, that it will push her away. However, I have seen online some PhD counselors mentioning that this is something that pwBPD crave. I worry to be myself and shower her with love. What if that will cause more harm than good?

[once removed]

Also, I have very strong feelings for her.

i think youve expressed this to her. i think stating it in even stronger terms will probably complicate things for both of you.

this sounds like a situation where she is reaching out for friends, and for help/support. do you want to do that, even if it means not getting back with her, or that she might be seeing someone?

[WaitingGame]

Here's what I read about love bombing:

How to Get Her Back

If your girlfriend actually has Borderline Personality Disorder, the good news for your purposes is that she is inherently unstable and has difficulty being on her own. That is why she keeps “flipping” on you: one moment she loves you, the next moment she hates you. You need to find a way to “flip” her back.

Love Bomb Her

Take a tip from the Narcissists and “Love Bomb” her. Do every single romantic and loving thing that you know she likes. This will take some thought, persistence, effort, and cash. Does she like flowers? Do you know her favorites? Send her flowers every day. Tell her how much you love her over and over again. Write her cute and loving emails, texts, etc. Do not give up until she agrees to see you again.

Then, no matter what she says or does, be sweet and loving. Explain that you really do love and care about her and you want to start over again. And you had better mean it because this is not going to be an easy relationship to sustain.

So the idea of showering her with love does not seem so bad from this perspective.

Also, take into the account the following:
Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

We often think that by holding back or depriving our “BPD” partner of “our love” – that they will “see the light”. We base this on all the times our partner expressed how special we were and how incredible the relationship was. Absence may make the heart grow fonder when a relationship is healthy – but this is often not the case when the relationship is breaking down. People with BPD traits often have "object permanence" issues – “out of sight is out of mind”. They may feel, after two weeks of separation, the same way you would feel after six. Distancing can also trigger all kinds of abandonment and trust issues for the “BPD” partner. Absence generally makes the heart grow colder.

What do I do?

[once removed]

be careful with junk psychology, WaitingGame. i dont know that good advice begins with "Take a tip from "the narcissist"".

look at the big picture:

1. shes upset about an ex who tried to commit suicide. she feels that you were insensitive about that.

2. she has been clear/upfront that she is looking for friendship.

if you respond to either of those two things with over the top expressions of love, it will come off as very confusing at best, and insincere/manipulative at worst.

if you want to be her friend, be just her friend. maybe it will become more, but probably not right now, and not necessarily soon. if youre not prepared to do that... .

[WaitingGame]

Those were the words of:
Elinor Greenberg
PhD Psychologist
Author of: Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety.

[WaitingGame]

Last week she has also mentioned that she wants to be with me but is not ready yet. She said that she doesn't want to go back right now because she doesn't want to hurt me by being back and forth. I said that I'm willing to be friends for now.

After much consideration, I don't think I will shower her with excessive love. In the end, I just want her to be happy. Regardless of how things turn out to be. When I was driving home from work today, I have heard on the radio, that secret to life long marriages is to keep it as a never-ending first date. I went to the very beginnings of our relationship and noticed that it all started with innocent, witty and playful text messages. There was no talk of whos dating who, any feelings or emotional stuff.

I did send her a text message in that style, and I'll let you all know how it goes.

I did not want to talk about her ex, because he was physically and mentally abusive to her, and has threatened me in the past. I told her I don't feel comfortable talking about him, and in the end, I said that I'm proud of her that she mastered the strength to move out, and dump him. I do not want to be walking on the eggshells all the time, and I certainly don't want to encourage/validate any feelings towards the ex.

[once removed]

Those were the words of:
Elinor Greenberg
PhD Psychologist
Author of: Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety.

the context here is important WG: https://www.quora.com/How-can-you-get-BPD-girlfriend-back-after-she-cut-you-off

the circumstances the author describes dont fit this situation. shes talking about courting someone. if you try to court someone who is emotionally unavailable, they will feel disrespected and taken advantage of. or, in a vulnerable state, they will be initially receptive to your advances, and then quickly have second thoughts.

Last week she has also mentioned that she wants to be with me but is not ready yet. She said that she doesn't want to go back right now because she doesn't want to hurt me by being back and forth. I said that I'm willing to be friends for now.

I went to the very beginnings of our relationship and noticed that it all started with innocent, witty and playful text messages.

i think this is a better strategy. be her friend. be someone both fun, and supportive. build trust.

[CryWolf]

Hey, I since you’re bit anxious and feel the need to act to show your “love”. Not everyone with BPD is the same. There is no one size fits all when it comes to people and a mental illness doesn’t change that.

She’s stated many times she’s just looking for a friend right now. That could change but do you really want her to jump into a relationship or dating with what  she’s going through right now? I agree with once removed here.

Let her feelings come back on her own doing. Let it flow organically. I know how anxious one can get with someone they love so much. It’s counter intuitive sadly. I think you did well by choosing not to talk about the ex.

Show her fun and new experiences and make her laugh. Try not to stress so much about labels right now. Let it take course.