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Author Topic: Tell me, what is the hardest part?  (Read 3141 times)
PDQuick
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« on: August 26, 2009, 04:24:21 PM »

Id like to know, and then have a discussion with you all here on the leaving board, what is the hardest part about the leaving process, and what seems to draw you back into the relationship once you have been out? I really dont want to hear things describing the other person in the relationship, Id like to hear about your feelings, doubts, and perceptions. Lets leave the other parties out of this discussion.
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« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2009, 04:36:10 PM »

The hardest part for me was feeling guilty, it wasn't the feeling of being alone.  I felt guilty for my part, I had lost my cool and said 2 sentences that seemed to be the end of the world to him.  But besides even that, I have/had carried this false guilt for some reason that I didn't or wasn't able to make it work.  I didn't go back after it was over, but did spend months playing the re-engagement game.  I felt that I needed to make amends to him for losing my cool, like I had to prove to him that I wasn't that bad of a person or the one he kept accusing me of.  So mine was really just the feeling bad, when I should have been the one to hold it together..
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« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2009, 04:40:32 PM »

Thanks Bkay. I understand that. I went through the same thing as well. Tell me, did, or do you feel that his opinion of you is worth more than your own opinion of yourself? Lets get to the bottom of the guilt, and find out why it resides in you.
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« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2009, 05:12:30 PM »

In a prior relationship that went on longer than it should the hardest part for me was giving up the dream.  What I thought it was going to be and never would be.  I learned that while I have hopes and dreams it's up to me to choose wisely to find the person that might fit in that dream.  No one would become that person. 
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« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2009, 05:14:29 PM »

Honestly, my self esteem and self worth started to get so low being with him that maybe his opinion did matter more at the time.  Looking back, I started to care more about what he was feeling than what I was.  It was also exaggerated beyond reason (the issue), but also used as a punishment almost. Which caused me to feel bad about the whole thing. Now, with therapy and working on myself, I see it clearer.  I still regret ever losing my cool but my opinion of myself is coming back.
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« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2009, 05:18:35 PM »

I'm glad to hear you say that Bkay. Isn't therapy the best thing you have ever done for yourself?

Eeyore, isn't it strange that if your dream is to stand in the grass with unburnt feet, that we all decided to walk through a bed of coals to try to accomplish just that? Seeing a dream is a very personal thing. We tend to attach them to a person, then get more wrapped up in the person being in the dream, than the dream itself. We all still have our dreams, but have to find someone else to share it with.
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« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2009, 05:21:41 PM »

The hardest part for me is feeling that I have failed.

He told me that in the past people who said they loved him always ended up abandoning him.

I thought if I gave him those things that he said he hadn't had in a previous relationship, i.e. love and security, it would work out in the end.  Even now - after he pushed me away and left me - I feel as though I have abandoned him.  

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« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2009, 05:35:44 PM »

my ex seemed cheery and bright when i first met her, but after a while i caught on to the fact that she was actually chronically depressed, and i was ok with that. i felt like i could really help her. for a while i think i really did make a difference, even her mom could tell, and things were great. but she often told me that i was everything to her, and that if i ever left she'd die. honestly i believed something bad would happen if i left, and when i started to think about leaving her i feared for her because of that, so i just let it fester.

admitting how i felt about my ex and our relationship was pretty hard too. when i don't want to say something, like really not say something, i simply can't make the words come out of my mouth. i didn't even get around to saying those things until after we broke up. it was like a faucet turning on.
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« Reply #8 on: August 26, 2009, 06:11:20 PM »

The hardest party for me was feeling like I had failed and the huge blow to my self-esteem.  I had worked so hard to save the marriage and nothing worked.  He was already looking for someone to replace me.  All of my efforts were futile and I didn't understand that it wasn't my fault.  Feelings of failure and being left for another woman was devastating to my self-esteem. 
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« Reply #9 on: August 26, 2009, 06:40:10 PM »

For me it's the shame of allowing myself to be so weak willed as to tolerate her behaviour and hence be drawn into the dance and in her's and others eyes making a complete fool of myself.

Its also the feeling of being rejeced for another man even though I know he's no better than me, just another one, after I had self sacrificed myself trying to be who she wanted.
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« Reply #10 on: August 26, 2009, 07:17:48 PM »

The hardest part for me was reconciling who I thought I was actually in a relationship with, versus who my BPDgf seemed to had turned into when she broke up with me.  I couldn't believe that the person I loved could do what she eventually did, which made me question my whole relationship and myself; I wondered if any of it was true, at a time when I needed it to be true because I had spent so much of myself in order to support what I thought was true, good and worthwhile.

Sometimes I felt like it was all a big lie, and yet I was utterly confounded that my feelings would not support this understanding.  As if half of me was on one side of a door waiting to get out of that awful room, unable to move forward without my other leg, and the other half of me was sitting there refusing to open the door, waiting with the lights on for the lover who would never come back.  I felt as if I was an idiot for not seeing the truth that I was used and discarded.

And then sometimes I felt like that maybe this was all just some huge misunderstanding.  That all I needed to do was talk to the warm, sweet and caring person just once more, and it would all be cleared up.  Except I could never talk to that person again.  Where the heck did she go?  Did someone take her away?  What happened to forever?  What happened to always?

Bouncing back and forth between these two extremes drove me absolutely batty.  Even much later, I would feel like I was the sole survivor of some catastrophic event which no one ever knew happened.  Not even the only other person who experienced it, her.  Only me.  I was left carrying this tome of a love story, my love story, but which no one wants to hear, and I know not how to unload it.  As if it were some big duffel bag full of excrement that was lit on fire.

Yeah, that sounds about right.
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« Reply #11 on: August 26, 2009, 08:46:42 PM »

And then sometimes I felt like that maybe this was all just some huge misunderstanding.  That all I needed to do was talk to the warm, sweet and caring person just once more, and it would all be cleared up.  Except I could never talk to that person again.  Where the heck did she go?  Did someone take her away?  What happened to forever?  What happened to always?

Bouncing back and forth between these two extremes drove me absolutely batty.  Even much later, I would feel like I was the sole survivor of some catastrophic event which no one ever knew happened.  Not even the only other person who experienced it, her.  Only me.  I was left carrying this tome of a love story, my love story, but which no one wants to hear, and I know not how to unload it.  As if it were some big duffel bag full of excrement that was lit on fire.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Wow schwing.  You hit the nail on the head.  Bouncing back and forth between those two extremes I think is what causes us so much anguish.  It's that extreme thinking that carries over to us- "forever"  "always" then it's "never" " forget me".. it's hard bouncing that around.
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« Reply #12 on: August 26, 2009, 09:46:14 PM »

Excerpt
The hardest part for me was reconciling who I thought I was actually in a relationship with, versus who my BPDgf seemed to had turned into when she broke up with me.  I couldn't believe that the person I loved could do what she eventually did, which made me question my whole relationship and myself; I wondered if any of it was true, at a time when I needed it to be true because I had spent so much of myself in order to support what I thought was true, good and worthwhile.

Sometimes I felt like it was all a big lie, and yet I was utterly confounded that my feelings would not support this understanding.  As if half of me was on one side of a door waiting to get out of that awful room, unable to move forward without my other leg, and the other half of me was sitting there refusing to open the door, waiting with the lights on for the lover who would never come back.  I felt as if I was an idiot for not seeing the truth that I was used and discarded.

And then sometimes I felt like that maybe this was all just some huge misunderstanding.  That all I needed to do was talk to the warm, sweet and caring person just once more, and it would all be cleared up.  Except I could never talk to that person again.  Where the heck did she go?  Did someone take her away?  What happened to forever?  What happened to always?

Bouncing back and forth between these two extremes drove me absolutely batty.  Even much later, I would feel like I was the sole survivor of some catastrophic event which no one ever knew happened.  Not even the only other person who experienced it, her.  Only me.  I was left carrying this tome of a love story, my love story, but which no one wants to hear, and I know not how to unload it.  As if it were some big duffel bag full of excrement that was lit on fire.

                                                                                               scwing i am going thru the exact same thing at this very moment its amazing how similar our feelings are. Even now after everything i know i feel and keep thinking that there is something i could do or say that would wake her up or bring this person i knew back to me but like you said she is long gone now it was all smoke and mirrors with cue cards on the floor that say " i love you forever and always" " and we will grow old together" " your heart is safe with me" the act is over she took everything she needed and left me holding the very large bill.                                                                                                          So i would say the hardest thing for me was facing reality to what was reality and not what i thought i had its like winning the lottery and then having them say april fools day sorry and taking it back that feeling of total loss and betrayal ,the pain is so unbearable and i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.                                                                                                      For those of you that have seen the movie the matrix i compair my feelings to those of neo when he was woke up from the matrix and realized his life was all a big lie and how he was being used as nothing more then fuel, and how he rejected the truth because it was too much to handle and he didnt want to believe it. By the way when the robots realized he had been woken up from the matrix and he was useless to them and then they flushed him down the drain from his pod that is the exact same way i felt, I felt like something of no use anymore devalued and flushed like waste                                               
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« Reply #13 on: August 26, 2009, 10:36:24 PM »

Hey guys,

If you identify with how I felt, then it might help you to know how I dealt with it.

Don't avoid the feelings, no matter how contradictory it might feel from time to time.  Find a good outlet (especially a creative one) for expressing these feelings in a healthy, constructive way that has nothing to do with your ex-BPD.  I did this, but I also thought it was taking too long.  I gave up after a few months but it only just caught up with me.

Don't beat yourself up for still feeling those wonderful feelings.  They were real and honest feelings.  You are no less a person just because it turns out the man/woman you felt those feelings with and towards turns out to be mentally disordered.  During the time that you felt wonderful, they actually didn't feel quite so disordered for a time.  And so that time was real even if they can't bear to remember it.

When you miss what you had, then honor those feelings and grieve over what you lost.  What you lost was a real loss.  But it is lost, even though he/she is walking around living another life.  There is a reason why therapists refer to the grieving process as "your work."  It's because you need to work through it.  And for everyone the process is different.  Just do the work.

Also, don't run away from the anger when you feel it.  Sure sometimes it'll feel like it doesn't make sense.  Sometimes you are angry, sometimes you are sad, sometimes you miss them, and for a while you feel like a mess.  That's when you get to practice taking care of yourself.  Do what helps you.  But DO NOT try to re-engagement with them.  That does not help.  They can't help you with closure.  Because they don't know what closure is.

The way I see it, the feelings that feel like they just keep coming are what you have to go through in order to process the whole experience.  It was all a whirlwind and intense time and now your feelings are just catching up with you.  Some of the feelings have to do with how you SHOULD have felt at the time but couldn't for one reason or another.  Some of the feelings have to do with how much pain the ending of it caused you.  And the feelings are soo intense that you have to handle it a few pieces at a time.  I'm guessing that if you take good care of yourself, you go through it faster.  And if you don't take good care of yourself, then you just drag the process out longer.

These feelings do get more manageable.  They do diminish.  Just do the work.  And keep taking care of yourself.

Best wishes, Schwing
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« Reply #14 on: August 26, 2009, 11:07:32 PM »

wow..  

there are many..

- the top one was the feeling that I failed.  I kept thinking I could some how fix things and make the relationship work.  After so many years of trying to give up felt like such a failure on my part.  What was wrong with  me that I couldn't get through to him.

- I pretty much kept my cool for 19 years.  It wasn't easy dealing with such a difficult person.  But I hated myself for finally totally losing it on him.  I just hit bottom and totally exploded on him.  That was were I was and what I needed to go through to finally change my live, but the damage it did to him was deep.  He just lost it after that and that was the end.   I felt so guilty for losing it.

- The kids!  My ex really didn't spend much time with them when we were together and I took care of everything.  So I was a buffer for them. Now they have lost that buffer when dealing with their dad.  My ex totally messed things up with one of them and that one won't even talk to him.   The other does spend time with my ex but comes home and complains about how my ex acts.  i try to stay positive - but the complaints are all about the BPD behaviors.   Sometime I feel guilty about not hanging in there long enough for my kids to be off to college so that I could have continued to protect them from these behaviors.  It hurts seeing my kids go through this.

- All the lies he is telling people about me to the school, neighbors, family, and friends.

- The expense of the divorce!  My ex has rich parents who just keep handing him money.  I'm totally on my own.   So all the drama he creates in this divorce has been very financially difficult for me.

- before we ended this I was scared to be on my own after 20+ years.   My self esteem was so low.  i couldn't imagine anyone wanting to be in a relationship with me in the future.  I thought I would end up alone.  That turned out not to be a problem.  After we split up I found myself turning down offers for dates and being surprised by the offers.  That was really strange for me.  But I had no plans to date until things were more settled.  I finally accepted a date at about a year after we separated.   New problem is figuring out how not to let history repeat itself.

-  But  probably the worst is getting over being mad at myself for allowing him to treat me the way he did for all these years.  It was my responsibility to respect myself enough not to let someone treat me like he did.  That I didn't respect myself enough and I put his needs, wants, and life ahead of mine.  I really am more mad at myself then with him because I'm responsible for my life and I allowed this to happen to me.  I was a big part of the problem.







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« Reply #15 on: August 26, 2009, 11:30:56 PM »

The hardest part was packaging up all the daily routines of my life with my BPD husband...the friends...the stepchildren...the extended family...and memories of the past 5 years or so...and figuratively throwing them out the window...and starting over from scratch.  

As if my house suddenly burned down and nothing was left...just the clothes on my back...and I had to keep telling myself not to think back...or to wish for something was gone...just keep moving ahead...and...over time...I realized that the relationship was maybe...just maybe...not the warm and cosy home that I originally thought it was...it was more like a bunch of sticks out in the wilderness...it just took time...NC...and a relationship with someone nonBPD...to fully grasp the reality (illusion?) of the "relationship" that I had with my BPD husband...  
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« Reply #16 on: August 27, 2009, 11:55:15 AM »

I'm glad to hear you say that Bkay. Isn't therapy the best thing you have ever done for yourself?

Eeyore, isn't it strange that if your dream is to stand in the grass with unburnt feet, that we all decided to walk through a bed of coals to try to accomplish just that? Seeing a dream is a very personal thing. We tend to attach them to a person, then get more wrapped up in the person being in the dream, than the dream itself. We all still have our dreams, but have to find someone else to share it with.

Thank you PDQuick.  Great Thread.  Interesting so many said they hated failing.  I've learned the most from my failures in life.  So failure to me means more successes in the future.  But the dream still remains elusive to me. 
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« Reply #17 on: August 27, 2009, 12:14:36 PM »



The hardest part?


Probably the moment of realisation that the person I loved had gone, never to return. Knowing that we will never exchange another word or look upon each other again. :'(

There will never be that opportunity to heal the hurts between us or reconcile our parting.

Hard surely, yet it is the way it has to be Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #18 on: September 05, 2009, 08:54:05 PM »

I believe eeyore hit a nerve...

...it's the hopes and dreams that you build in your life agenda. The fact that you finally float attached to a 'spirit of right direction'...and the memories that all will be fine...what a travesty!

The notion that every intimate moment was going to hold those dreams...how naive could I be..!
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« Reply #19 on: September 05, 2009, 09:24:30 PM »

Wow...

Rough queston but a good question for sure.

-Feeling like I failed us, her, and myself.

-Frustrated that I could not help her.

-Facing the realization that my life's dream is gone.  She was, when in her "real" state, everything I had ever wanted in a partner.

-Feeling the loss of the friendship.  She was, when she was her true self, my best friend, confidant, and partner-in-crime (just a figure of speech!)

-I miss so many things.  We share many loves- music, food, fragrance, nature,art, love of animals, etc.

- Feeling so alone physically.  We touched often- hugs, kisses, holding hands,etc.  I feel as if a part of me is missing because I have no one to touch or to touch me.

-I've had a hard time dealing with the fact that I was always willing to work with her yet she rejected it.  I think she was afraid that the truth about some of her behaviors would be seen by someone other than me and i'm sure that scared her.

I guess that is a lot of "hardest" parts, huh? 

The hardest part is the loss of whom I felt to be my best friend.  It feels as if a part of my soul has died.  In fact a part of my soul HAS died.  It has all been so terribly hard.  The greatest pain I have ever known.


I just hate every damn bit of it and miss her so badly.  It's horrible.

WMB
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« Reply #20 on: September 05, 2009, 09:52:50 PM »

Good topic- this is the stuff I so badly need but I need some help on some of this.

It's because you need to work through it.  And for everyone the process is different.  Just do the work.

What IS "the work"?  I mean I read this, I say this, but really, what is "it". Couldyou maybe give some examples that worked for you? 



That's when you get to practice taking care of yourself.  Do what helps you. 

Same with this concept of "taking care of one's self".  I mean yeah I make sure that I eat right or at least decently.  I even resorted to taking bodybulder protien because I was unableto eat properly as my appetite drops when I'm upset. I stay away from alcohol/substances.  I try to stick with my hobbies like playing my guitar.  I try to read positive things, I talk to friends-they are good friends and we dig very deep.  I just feel like I can't repair the damage to my spirit.  I can't even pray any more- I've had a strong, or what I thought was a strong faith and I have lost it.  I simply can't accept that "God" who is supposed to love us and care fo us, can allow my ex, for instance, to have been abused as a young gal and subsequently suffer and end up abusing me.  Did you or anyone else here strugglw with their faith?  I truly feel like there is a big empty space or vaccuum within me and I can't seem to really heal.  How did you actually, in concrete terms, "take care of yourself" in this regard?



I'm guessing that if you take good care of yourself, you go through it faster. 

There it is again!

Just do the work.  And keep taking care of yourself.

I am very solution-oriented yet I come up empty here.  I mean sure- i go to work and I eat right and I reach out to friends and I stay away from things that will harm me and all of that.  What do we do, besides allow time, to heal up the spirit?  How do I mend a "broken heart/soul/spirit"?

I've had "normal" break-ups and did the simple things and got well and moved forward.  This is so different.  So deep.  So soul-crushing.  It invades every aspect of my being and feels so overwhelming.  I'm not afraid of work nor am I afraid of some pain.  Time is indeed my friend.  But each time I've spilt from my ex I seem to get worse rather than better and despair, rather than healing, sets in. 

I have moments of "okayness" and then right back to despair as you mentioned above.  So in that regard I'm normal, huh?

I'm not challenging you by any means- I just need to hear some concrete examples of "taking care" and "working on" if possible.

Thanks for a solid topic and for your help.

WMB

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« Reply #21 on: September 05, 2009, 10:05:17 PM »

The hardest part is although we are no longer together I have to still see him at a club we mutually belong to, I lost the best dance partner I ever had and I have to see him other females flirting and charming them the way he does. Her flits from gal to gal flooding them with attention one week and never saying a word to them the next.  Well except for right now .. there is a new gal in town and he does give her all the attention he can (lots of competition from the other guys).  Since she is 32 years her junior I don't think anything long term will come of it.. but he might just woo her into bed. (her problem, not mine).

Funny thing is.. even if we were together he would still be flirting his way around the dance floor... that was our last fight (3 months ago, 5th break up in 5 years).  I told him I was tired of us being together dancing and in a moment he would drop my hand and go running accross the room to be with another girl.  At least this way I don't have to be walking on eggshells wondering when he is going to fly off and leave me standing in the middle of the dance floor.

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« Reply #22 on: September 05, 2009, 10:19:49 PM »

The first year with my BPD was incredible. The attention. The way she looked at me. The way I felt special.

Her attention became like a drug for me.

The hardest part is knowing I will never get that attention...that feeling...that high...again...

Also the feeling that I was always hold back on other relationships. When burned once, you dont want to get burned again.

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« Reply #23 on: September 05, 2009, 10:29:14 PM »

wantmeback,

I'm not schwing but if you don't mind I'd like to give my thoughts?

I believe the hard work schwing is describing is being introspective.  Some people in their personal lives fail miserably at looking at themselves and truly addressing their feeling that they felt and how those feeling impacted the situation.  The old ostrich with it's heard in the sand.

They they can't look at their mistake or contributions to the problems and then take corrective actions.  How many times have we heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?  I think we get stuck in being "right" rather than what works and is successful.  How many times has someone here been right but buy defending a "right" postion but doing so did it make the situation better?  Lots of people blame the other person and haven't really nitpicked themselves to fully heal.  The other extreme is a person like me who beats myself up over everything I do and is too introspective that it doesn't allow the other person to own up to their respective contributions to the problems.  

Some people think they are being introspective by identifying the problems but they aren't able to change their pattern of behavior.  Well that's not conducive to being able to move on.  Going back to my question about being right or doing what makes things better.  I still catch myself getting stuck with arguing my being right.  So the work would be doing whatever tasks need to be done so that the pattern is changed.  It might be posting here, learing about validation, taking a class, going to T, etc.

Lastly most BPD's take the head in the sand approach.  They quickly get a new toy thinking all is better.  As we know that new toy appeal wear off and what are they left with.  A person who is introspective, does the work so that they are whole and able to give to a relationship not left empty.  

I am a Dale Carnegie graduate and practice the Sedona method.  For me the Sedona methond helps me be introspective and I find it to be rather effortless.  

my two cents.  
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« Reply #24 on: September 05, 2009, 10:29:55 PM »

The first year with my BPD was incredible. The attention. The way she looked at me. The way I felt special.

Her attention became like a drug for me.

The hardest part is knowing I will never get that attention...that feeling...that high...again...

Also the feeling that I was always hold back on other relationships. When burned once, you dont want to get burned again.

why can't you have that again...  with someone else?  Could be even better.   Think positive.
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WantMeBack
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« Reply #25 on: September 05, 2009, 11:18:45 PM »

wantmeback,

I'm not schwing but if you don't mind I'd like to give my thoughts?

Please do!



I believe the hard work schwing is describing is being introspective.  Some people in their personal lives fail miserably at looking at themselves and truly addressing their feeling that they felt and how those feeling impacted the situation.  The old ostrich with it's heard in the sand.



Okay *whew!*.  It just sort of struck me as I read this thread that those words get tossed arond a lot.  I too toss' em out there.  "I need to work on..." etc.  I wanted to get the gist of what those phgrases meant to others.  If "doing the work" means being honestly introspective and correcting our shortcomings then I'm on the samepage.  I am and have always been very introspective.  I strive for self-awareness as that is the first step inchanging my behavior.   



They they can't look at their mistake or contributions to the problems and then take corrective actions.  How many times have we heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?  I think we get stuck in being "right" rather than what works and is successful.  How many times has someone here been right but buy defending a "right" postion but doing so did it make the situation better?  Lots of people blame the other person and haven't really nitpicked themselves to fully heal.  The other extreme is a person like me who beats myself up over everything I do and is too introspective that it doesn't allow the other person to own up to their respective contributions to the problems.  



Guilty as charged on all counts at different times.  While I do experience the blame thing I also typically own my contribution to a given problem.  When dealing with balanced folks this usually is the quickest and most direct route to a solution.



Some people think they are being introspective by identifying the problems but they aren't able to change their pattern of behavior.  Well that's not conducive to being able to move on.  Going back to my question about being right or doing what makes things better.  I still catch myself getting stuck with arguing my being right.  So the work would be doing whatever tasks need to be done so that the pattern is changed.  It might be posting here, learing about validation, taking a class, going to T, etc.


Okay.  I'm doing real "work" then.  I read and post, taketime to reflect on my dailt actions - not just r'ship issues, and I sincerely do try to modify less than desireable behaviors.  i have had sucesses in some areas of my former r'ship and failedin others.  I had a major relapse last weekend.  But yes- I'm really working.


Lastly most BPD's take the head in the sand approach.  They quickly get a new toy thinking all is better.  As we know that new toy appeal wear off and what are they left with.  A person who is introspective, does the work so that they are whole and able to give to a relationship not left empty.  




My ex differs greatly from this norm.   She does have some self-awareness.  She has some distortion and has trouble indentifying her emotions.  Most often she is either  "angry" or "offended". 

She talks a GREAT game.  Knows all the ":)r. Phil" and "Oprah" words.  Tosses them around.  Uses them as weapons and defenses.  But there is no action behind them.  They are also used in the wrong context.  There have been many instances of "Ive got this new book.." or movie or yoga or whatever. That's great but it never went any further.  Nothing carried forward into real life.  I know that I can blab about all sorts of fancy buzzwords too but the real deal is "How are ya gonna ACT, WMB?"

I am absolutely able to give, to contribute to relationship.  I can easilly identify my shortcomings and I am certainly capable of taking corrective ACTION.






I am a Dale Carnegie graduate and practice the Sedona method.  For me the Sedona methond helps me be introspective and I find it to be rather effortless.  

He's the Win Friends and Influence People guy,right?  I'll Google th Sedona Method.  One of my favorite places, btw, is Sedona, AZ!


my two cents.  

Worth WAY more than $.02!  Thanks for breaking it down for me.

WMB
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Honey
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« Reply #26 on: September 05, 2009, 11:25:09 PM »

The first year with my BPD was incredible. The attention. The way she looked at me. The way I felt special.

Her attention became like a drug for me.

The hardest part is knowing I will never get that attention...that feeling...that high...again...

Also the feeling that I was always hold back on other relationships. When burned once, you dont want to get burned again.

They are so good at doing all of that!  Last night it dawned on me that was what I missed.  I didn't know I was so needy, but them I thought ...actually he may have said and did things but it was me that made these things special, someone else may not have been phased one little bit.  I am happy I am a person that can giddy from being with someone, that I can see something special in them.  

In one of our last conversations with my BPD exbf I said "I thought we had something special".  He said "It wasn't something special, it was sick".  I told him in our last email that I still thought it was special and if their was anything sick about it, it didn't come from my side of the table.  I am not going to let him take my happy memories away from me.

Please dont' let her take away your passion, it is not fair to you or the new person you will meet in the future. ---Honey






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« Reply #27 on: September 06, 2009, 07:00:52 AM »

The hardest part for me was reconciling who I thought I was actually in a relationship with, versus who my BPDgf seemed to had turned into when she broke up with me.  I couldn't believe that the person I loved could do what she eventually did, which made me question my whole relationship and myself; I wondered if any of it was true, at a time when I needed it to be true because I had spent so much of myself in order to support what I thought was true, good and worthwhile.

Sometimes I felt like it was all a big lie, and yet I was utterly confounded that my feelings would not support this understanding.  As if half of me was on one side of a door waiting to get out of that awful room, unable to move forward without my other leg, and the other half of me was sitting there refusing to open the door, waiting with the lights on for the lover who would never come back.  I felt as if I was an idiot for not seeing the truth that I was used and discarded.

And then sometimes I felt like that maybe this was all just some huge misunderstanding.  That all I needed to do was talk to the warm, sweet and caring person just once more, and it would all be cleared up.  Except I could never talk to that person again.  Where the heck did she go?  Did someone take her away?  What happened to forever?  What happened to always?

Bouncing back and forth between these two extremes drove me absolutely batty.  Even much later, I would feel like I was the sole survivor of some catastrophic event which no one ever knew happened.  Not even the only other person who experienced it, her.  Only me.  I was left carrying this tome of a love story, my love story, but which no one wants to hear, and I know not how to unload it.  As if it were some big duffel bag full of excrement that was lit on fire.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Great post Schwing, I couldnt have said it more aptly..

thanks

Liza  x
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Kenneth
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« Reply #28 on: September 06, 2009, 07:25:31 AM »

Id like to know, and then have a discussion with you all here on the leaving board, what is the hardest part about the leaving process, and what seems to draw you back into the relationship once you have been out? I really dont want to hear things describing the other person in the relationship, Id like to hear about your feelings, doubts, and perceptions. Lets leave the other parties out of this discussion.

The hardest part is doubting that the relationship was "real."

The hardest part is looking back at all the loving, close times, knowing now that she was working on my replacement in the background.

The hardest part is having heard those words "I love you," but finding out that they meant something quite different for her than for me.

The hardest part is still longing for her.

The hardest part is still being deeply worried about her.

The hardest part is wondering if she's still thinking of me and if she will re-engagement me, and me wanting, at times, to be re-engaged.

The hardest part is going to bed and waking up thinking of her, whether it's the sting of betrayal or the wishing she'd come back whole.

The hardest part is feeling like a fool for having put up with so much, for ignoring the warning signs.

The hardest part is compassion and figuring out how to be compassionate.

The hardest part is the anxiety that pervades my day and the struggle between the heart and the mind.

The hardest part is my libido and giving into sexual fantasies about her.

The hardest part is trying to be centered and letting go of all the crisis and drama of the relationship. The crisis and drama became the new status quo--and my body and emotions are still used to it.

The hardest part is accepting that she has an illness and that I cannot be with her.

The hardest part is having odd ideas occurring to me: "I should hack into her email" or thinking I should send her an note: "It would be so hot if we had sex right now."

The hardest part is keeping my integrity and dignity, and knowing that I can be the person I want to be without her, yet still wanting to be with her.

The hardest part is obsessing.

The hardest part is facing my own issues.

The hardest part is letting completely go.



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« Reply #29 on: September 06, 2009, 07:41:40 AM »

That is a really good question.  Of course, the whole thing was really hard.  But I suppose the hardest part is finally letting go, and giving up the dream.  As most of us here have experienced, the beginning of the relationship with a BPD is like a fairy tale - the dream come true.  The perfect match, the soul mate.  We had plans - really great plans and I believe they would have been carried out.  When I finally realized that the dream was instead a nightmare, I knew I had to give up my expectations of a wonderful future together.  The trips, the working on the house, the gardening, birdwatching.  There were so many wonderful things we did share.  It was really hard to let go of the future.  But that's is what it was.  Letting go of the future.  It was taking a gigantic step over the deepest imagineable chasm because now a detour was necessary.  Changing the path that you wanted to travel on.  That was the most difficult thing.  Carol
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« Reply #30 on: February 12, 2021, 05:34:54 AM »

The hardest part for me? Two things:

First, getting her big declarations of love in the never-ending push-pull cycles. Hearing her say how she misses me, can't live without me, doesn't want to lose me etc... That never failed to catapult me back into giving it another chance. Because I figured: "well, if I'm hurting and want to be with you, and you're hurting and want to be with me, then what's the point in not being together?" Of course her resolve would wane quickly, and pull would turn to push.

Second, the realisation that ultimately I would have to be the one to break off things. This was immensely hard for me because it went against everything I wanted. I wanted a life with her, but still I needed to tell her to get out of my life. It felt so nonsensical, so tragic and so paradoxical.

In the end she sort of solved this problem for me. All I did was stick to my boundaries and little more, and she discarded me without even blinking. That last time I just went along with it, instead of telling her I loved her etc... I accepted her decision. And were before she'd pop-up for a next cycle, in the end she just disappeared.
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« Reply #31 on: February 12, 2021, 12:12:03 PM »

The hardest part for me was being on the phone to her knowing I could say don’t worry we can sort it all out and be together again and she would come back. Instead I said this is the last time we can talk, she cried a lot and told me how sorry she was that of all people she couldn’t believe she would ever hurt it was me. She apologised for bringing me down for the last 2.5 years, apologised for all her behaviour, for everything my children had seen. I could have said don’t worry we’ll fix this but I just couldn’t do it. Even though I know her life is now going down hill fast, I still cannot do it.

The next hardest part was speaking to her ex husband. I thought everything she told me was lies, couldn’t have sex with anyone unless drunk, she truly loved me like no other etc etc. He confirmed that it was true, no sex unless drunk from the day they met for 10yrs, she never loved him or anyone else before, no apology for cheating and blamed it all on him. I then met the guy shes with now very briefly as I was leaving her house and he happened to turn up, he said I’m not an idiot she never stops talking about you and says she still loves you and attacks him every night he’s there!.

Knowing all this, I still know it’s the right choice for me.. and yet she still keeps calling!
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