Fair warning, this is going to be a rather long post. Also, if I have used terms incorrectly, please feel free to correct me so I can correct myself and learn better.
Firstly, to address the question about the helpfulness or usefulness of understanding the concept of triangulation - specifically Karpman in understanding drama-related triangles, I want to say that in my opinion, potentially, the most beneficial use of understanding triangulation is to:
1) Simply understand what is going on on a basic model-based level.I will be upfront and honest. I personally hate gossip and I really do not do well with 'groups' of friends.
Why?
I have had experience dealing with multiple forms of triangulation from the more innocuous to the more malicious and though I never had words for it (I never knew what triangulation was and that it had a name until I started therapy years before; my psyD explained it to me when I expressed constant frustration and aggravation at encountering such situations), I definitely could see a pattern and boy oh boy did it bother me.
Excuse me, but I
don't need to know something akin to, "Oh hey, did you know that Bill's screwing Jill and '
whine whine whine'," when I am friends with both Bill and Jill and neither Bill nor Jill thought to tell me this fact for themselves though we ARE friends and have interacted as such. It isn't that it's TMI, it's the fact that I simply respect both Bill and Jill to tell me something important if it pertains to me. Neither Bill nor Jill are my SOs or are people I am interested in, so why would it matter if they're together? Perhaps more importantly, why in the world did Adam bother telling me something like that in the first place?
In Real Life, such a thing did happen and 'Adam', it turns out, was feeling put out that 'Jill' had chosen 'Bill' over him and was trying to gain my sympathy and support and to also hopefully instill some sense of animosity in me towards the new couple. Neither of the two worked and I politely told 'Adam' that if he had issues about the whole situation (which, it really seemed like he did), then he ought to be talking to the new couple and not me. Thing is, he was never the 'direct' sort and 'direct' communication was never his forte and so he consistently chose to communicate in more indirect and obfuscated manners.
In another example (I couldn't find my other old post or the Triangulation thread where I had typed out a diagram of a Karpman triangulation scene involving the evolving roles of Victims, Rescuers, Persecutors etc within a circle of friends):
[Becoming a Rescuer] I once had a friend who all but idolized me to the point where they more or less acted like I could never do wrong... . even though I always outed myself as any other human being who makes mistakes... . and even though I wanted nothing to do with that role.
I didn't necessarily see my friendship with them as me wanting to 'rescue' them, but I certainly did want to offer support and 'be a friend' in general. Being that I was - at the time - generally unaware and non-communicative with their other friends and whatevers and being that our friendship didn't start out with drama, it also contributed to my late realization that I was tangled in a Karpman-type drama triangle. [Becoming a Persecutor] Later as time went on and I confronted them on some issues and put my foot down on some boundaries, they kind of sulked and unbeknownst to me until later, they ran to our mutual friends to get support from all the horrible things that had come from me... . without addressing the situation with me AT ALL in any kind of an honest fashion. Once they ran and were in the 'safety' of our other friends, they turned around to verbally abuse me.
By setting my foot down on boundaries and 'triggering' the hurt they had once experienced in regards to notions of abandonment, I went from being their Rescuer to being their next Persecutor.
The fact that I was left in the dark about their running to our mutual friends and badmouthing me is of particular importance in the fact that it demonstrates their unwillingness to cope with the issue (having issues with me) in a healthier and more straightforward manner.
Bowen would say - to my understanding - that they did this to escape the stress and abandonment fear they experienced owing to the triggering of said abandonment issues. In this case because of the avoidance of dealing with the actual issue (fear of abandonment even though I wasn't about to 'abandon' them) and because of scapegoating (blaming me for every problem they had instead of addressing their attachment disordered way of thinking and feeling), this sort of triangulation would be considered dysfunctional.
Hence, also, a Karpman drama-related triangle. [Becoming a Victim] Confused as %^$# as to what had happened and reeling from the drama that had ensued, I felt really wounded... . and with no explanations or understandings.
Easy one. I felt victimized because I couldn't understand why in the world would someone who was once so formerly close to me choose to attack me in such ways without any kind of previous discussion about issues they might have had with me.[Becoming Recycle Material aka the Triangle Restarts Again] And so the cycle continued when eventually, my former fwBPD attempted to return to me to share their latest drama about their new perpetrator and to gain my sympathy and support.
Specifically, when a mutual friend (the only one left of that group of friends whom I still kept in contact with) finally put their foot down on boundaries, they, too, went from Rescuer (they were the one who the fwBPD used to hide behind and idolized in much the same way they once idolized me) to Persecutor (they set off the abandonment trigger) and Victim (as the former fwBPD painted them black... . ) and RAN BACK TO ME wanting my support in regards to their latest drama.
The cycle of recycling never started as I ended-ended everything at that point and though they have since made attempted repeats at trying to reconnect with either me or our mutual friend (who doesn't consider them a friend anymore either), neither of us has 'participated'.
The Karpman triangulation, in this case, has thus come to an end.All that said, you don't know what you don't know and before this incident, I didn't even know that there was a name for such a behavior in the first place.
Having a name for it simply made it easier for me to just be able to SAY, "Okay, THIS is what it is. Now what can I do about it?"
Related to that... .
2) Using this understanding to better understand ourselves and the situations we are in or show a pattern for getting into.If you burned your hand on a hot toaster or a hot oven, it's logical to say that in the pursuit of NOT being burned again, you probably wouldn't touch a
hot toaster or a
hot oven again.
But what if you were walking through a forest and something bit you, but you couldn't tell what it was? In the pursuit of not being bitten again, it perhaps would make sense that one might avoid the situation where being bitten happened - namely, the
forest. But on the other hand, sounds a bit silly to avoid any and all forests given that it was
something IN the forest (in this example, a fictitious snake whose nest was disturbed by people running around and who bit out of self defense) that bit you and not the forest itself.
Knowledge is power and being able to identify and understand a situation gives a person the ability to make a better informed decision on what to do next or how to deal... .
And depending on the person, how they choose to handle a situation will be different from person to person.
At this point in my life after having a name for triangulation behaviors and an understanding for why some of these behaviors happen from the most innocent to the more malicious, I am better able to rationally identify it, classify it... . and then act accordingly.
If someone is triangulating because they are avoiding a situation involving me and the situation overall is 'innocent' enough and maybe something that can be worked on (eg: a co-worker has problems with me but can't seem to talk with me about it and so talks to another mutual co-worker about their problems with me), knowing about the triangulating gives me an opportunity to try and address the issue of avoidance. In some cases, this movement towards directly addressing the issue can mark the end of such a triangulation.
If someone is triangulating because they are avoiding a situation involving me in the manner of my former fwBPD, then knowing about the triangulating helps me to understand that it is a coping reaction and mechanism and to be able to potentially anticipate what may happen next and simply be prepared for it... . and be prepared to make a decision to forcibly end my part in the triangulation if need be if the original/actual issues at hand cannot be addressed in a healthy manner.
That said, realizing that my fwBPD was engaging the Karpman dramatic triangle out of a disordered-influenced emotional response to the triggering of abandonment topic(s) was actually instrumental in my own healing.Without knowledge, I was going, "Why did this happen? WHAT happened? AM I some kind of godawful monster? WHY did I go from best friend to worst enemy? WHAT did I do wrong?"
With knowledge I realized, "I stepped on a trigger by putting my foot down on boundaries. Feeling threatened and unable to cope with directly dealing with the emotions triggered, they reacted by shunning me/refusing to deal with me, getting support from someone else, and perpetuating their 'I can't deal with this!' mindset/giving themselves the opportunity to not have to deal with the problem by blaming someone else for the issues that cropped up."
The triangulation in this case, is largely a defense mechanism and also largely if not fully emotion-based.
The questions I asked were questions that confounded my sense of logic; everything has a logical answer (or so I thought), and if someone reacts so poorly to me/with me, then logic dictates that something I did was at fault and if the accusations continue and there is nothing contrary (besides my own WTF), then logic continues to dictate that somehow in the grand scheme of things, I was wrong and did something really bad.
But fight or flight and highly emotional reactions are seldom infused with much logic and so there may not be any actual 'logical' response to the questions and sort of as a rehash of my mental thought process, this is what my therapist worked out with me.
Why did it happen? It was a fight or flight and highly emotional response.
What happened? Your friend reacted emotionally and defensively in a negative way and instead of directly addressing the issue with you, they went to someone else who felt 'safer' and who could 'rescue' them from the pain they felt.
Am I some kind of godawful monster? No, you simply stepped on a highly sensitive trigger. Setting boundaries is healthy and so is communicating them honestly when done in a respectful manner.
Why did I go from best friend to worst enemy? Because at the time of their emotional reaction, they felt ultimately wounded because their abandonment fears were triggered and they couldn't or wouldn't deal with it in a healthier manner. You triggered it, so you became the 'enemy'. A 'quick' way for a disordered attachment person to 'heal' from having their trigger triggered.
What did I do wrong? At the time, nothing. You inadvertently stepped on the trigger related to abandonment even though abandonment was not the intent. Basically, you broke an eggshell.
Emotional responses. All the way through.
And to me?
If isn't fair to compare a logical thought process stemming from rational thinking with a thought process stemming from disordered thinking and feeling.
I can rationally approach someone who is rational-thinking but who might simply be scared (aren't we all) to get a topic addressed directly.
I cannot rationally approach someone who is not rational-thinking and who is responding out of near pure emotion to get a topic addressed directly much less 'honestly'.
It's why BPD IS a disorder and it is also why I feel that it doesn't do any good to ruminate on it (past the point of understanding on a basic and diagram-level what is going on) and to keep trying to find a 'logical' answer to it all which goes hand in hand with accountability.
Disordered thinking and thought processing and dysregulated emotions which contribute to a high level of emotional-only responses ARE disorders.
As such, to me, understanding and remembering this is crucial if a person wants to start or continue a relationship with someone who has these disorders... . and actually give it a fair and fighting chance from both sides.
... .
