answer honestly

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Wow, it seems like such a simple question but it really makes you think doesn't it?

At the time, I thought being with her was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. In the three years that would come, I suffered depression, had to choose between her and my best friend and chose her. I am still in the process of mending my relationship with my friend but not sure if it will ever be the same. I alienated my friends and family. I pushed off my career for her, I moved to a city I didn't want to for her. In the end, I was left all alone by her. I'm still lonely most of the time.

Hmmm... .not sure how great it all was. I loved her though. That's the troubling part. Even until the end, I loved her. In a way, I always will.

[jag02006]

Wow, it seems like such a simple question but it really makes you think doesn't it?

At the time, I thought being with her was the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. In the three years that would come, I suffered depression, had to choose between her and my best friend and chose her. I am still in the process of mending my relationship with my friend but not sure if it will ever be the same. I alienated my friends and family. I pushed off my career for her, I moved to a city I didn't want to for her. In the end, I was left all alone by her. I'm still lonely most of the time.

Hmmm... .not sure how great it all was. I loved her though. That's the troubling part. Even until the end, I loved her. In a way, I always will.

[GodofNietzsche]

I was happy in the relationship.  Towards, the end however, her life was falling apart and I was trying to pick up the pieces.  It made it really hard, and I was frustrated a lot.  But I made a decision to stick by her.  It was probably the first time in my life I cared about someone else more than myself.  I gave of myself the best that I could.  That made me feel good.  So even during the tough times, I felt good.  I also believed I could weather the storm.  Only she couldn't.

[Colombian Chick]

I alienated my friends and family. I pushed off my career for her, I moved to a city I didn't want to for her. In the end, I was left all alone by her. I'm still lonely most of the time.

Sam here  x

I felt we were a family, so naturally I sacrafized for us. But in the end his true colors came out and he left. Not only that but he left being mad at me, as if I was the problem.

So even during the tough times, I felt good.  I also believed I could weather the storm.  Only she couldn't.

We were having rough times too. It was the house that brought us a lot of headaches because of the locations of the house, kids school, child care, and my job. It was very stressful, but not to the point to where we needed to split.

I don't think they can handle any stress. Anything sends them off the deep end. They are like children in a grown ups body, everything freaks them out.

[Fruit Loop]

The first 4-5 months I was the happiest I had ever been.  I had the most beautiful woman in the world telling me how wonderful I was. It did seem too get to be true and I was worried about what would happen when the infatuation phase started to wear off for her.  I remember saying to my exgf that I couldn't wait for the next phase of our relationship to see where we were going. She said, "why can't it be like this forever, I really think it can". That should been my first clue.  I knew she had been through many 1-2 year relationships since her divorce.  I was warned that she uses men and then kicks them to the curb. At about month 6 she started the break-ups every 2-3 months until the final break-up at month 20.  Right on schedule.

For some reason I felt really good when I was with her.  I felt privilaged to have her.  During the break-ups I was the unhappiest I had every been in my life.  I have cried more in the last year then I have in my previous 46 years including as a child.  So I guess my answer is I was the happiest and unhappiest I have ever been with her. If that make sense.  Its been 6 weeks since we broke up and I'm really, really unhappy!

[Morgause]

The first 4-5 months I was the happiest I had ever been.  I had the most beautiful woman in the world telling me how wonderful I was. It did seem too get to be true and I was worried about what would happen when the infatuation phase started to wear off for her.  I remember saying to my exgf that I couldn't wait for the next phase of our relationship to see where we were going. She said, "why can't it be like this forever, I really think it can".

So I guess my answer is I was the happiest and unhappiest I have ever been If that make sense.  Its been 6 weeks since we broke up and I'm really, really unhappy!

I felt exactly the same way SDT... .I was the happiest and unhappiest I've ever been with my exBPDgf ... .I just choose to remember the good now and learn from the bad... .and move on... .

In the first few months , she said "you're so good for me I want  this work out, I'm so afraid to screw this up... ."  I of course reassured her otherwise and that there was no way she could screw up... .and even so I'd still love her because there's up and downs in any relationship... and we'd work through it and communicate... . just a couple months later she started to paint be black then I was the one screwing up every day until one day I was just too horrible for words... .

Yes she did screw it up... .

[kly]

SDT--same here. I've cried more over one man than I've ever cried.  He's not Borderline, but he definitely has fear of intimacy issues.  Lots of push/pull. Just empathizing.

[2010]

In the beginning it felt almost holy- like I had finally come alive and found someone shared the Earth who understood me. But then I realized that this was only mirroring, and a ritualized, systematic, fraudulent manipulation. If I hadn't felt so welcome in my own personality, I dont think I would have had the opportunity to understand myself; to see myself as well as I did. To me, the mirroring was a great unlocking. The mystery of who I am, and what I stood for- became so apparent.  When the devaluation began and the hating and the unwarranted smear campaign and blame- it nearly killed me. But I came through it and now understand that it was necessary. It was painful, but very necessary.

[turtlesoup]

In the beginning it felt almost holy- like I had finally come alive and found someone shared the Earth who understood me. But then I realized that this was only mirroring, and a ritualized, systematic, fraudulent manipulation. If I hadn't felt so welcome in my own personality, I dont think I would have had the opportunity to understand myself; to see myself as well as I did. To me, the mirroring was a great unlocking. The mystery of who I am, and what I stood for- became so apparent.  When the devaluation began and the hating and the unwarranted smear campaign and blame- it nearly killed me. But I came through it and now understand that it was necessary. It was painful, but very necessary.

What part was necessary? Do you mean you needed to be broken down?

[2010]

No, not broken down- but I needed a reality check. And I mean that I truly was wandering, wondering about life. Looking outside of myself and feeling fortunate in finding this person (persona) that seemed to think more highly of me than I allowed myself to think- sort of like a loving parent that idolizes. That adoration is like a drug. And when it goes away, you really feel depleted and dead and the only thing you think will bring *you* back is this person who seems to be cruelly withholding.  Not only do you go through the pain of losing someone you cared about- but you lose this high opinion of yourself too, because it was so skillfully reflected in their eyes. They're really great actors you know- and the painful process of healing reveals our own narcissism. That realization was traumatic for me. Now I know that I am the only holder of my self- esteem. It sounds like a bunch of therapy talk, but it really is the lesson that I had to learn.

BPD'rs have a gift for doing this over and over again to many people. Finding out that I wasn't really special was devastating. Now that I have come to terms with it- I feel better. perhaps the best I've ever felt in my entire life- and that's because these feelings go all the way back to childhood.  The BPD'r unlocked my pain from childhood.

[francienolan]

In the beginning it felt almost holy- like I had finally come alive and found someone shared the Earth who understood me. But then I realized that this was only mirroring, and a ritualized, systematic, fraudulent manipulation. If I hadn't felt so welcome in my own personality, I dont think I would have had the opportunity to understand myself; to see myself as well as I did. To me, the mirroring was a great unlocking. The mystery of who I am, and what I stood for- became so apparent.  When the devaluation began and the hating and the unwarranted smear campaign and blame- it nearly killed me. But I came through it and now understand that it was necessary. It was painful, but very necessary.

2010, your posts really made me think. It's as though my ex's mirroring reflected the "me" that I liked, the "me" I eventually defended once the devaluation and the hating began.

They're really great actors you know- and the painful process of healing reveals our own narcissism. That realization was traumatic for me. Now I know that I am the only holder of my self- esteem. It sounds like a bunch of therapy talk, but it really is the lesson that I had to learn.

From what I've learned, narcissism itself isn't necessarily a bad thing. Narcissism is on a continuum with (for lack of a better term) "not enough" on one end and "too much" on the other. Personality disorders happen when there is either too much narcissism or not enough narcissism. A mentally healthy adult falls somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. I think what you're describing is how cultivating healthy narcissism is key to the healing process. Healthy narcissism involves discovering who you are and loving your True Self, your core humanness.

[VB]

The relationship was the most intense I have ever had.  It made me happier than I have ever felt with someone but it also was the most painful experience I have ever felt and made me more miserable than I have ever been.

yep, about 20% happy, the rest of the time I was trying desperately to get back to that happy memory.  There were patches of happiness but it never lasted long.  Patches of promises, but they always came to nothing, patches of warmth, but they soon turned to insults.

And no, i may never feel all that again, and thank god for that, because at least I will be able to find something REAL next time.

You just typed everything that I feel/felt. It made me so happy that I could have burst at the beginning, but after a rage I felt worthless, and in so much pain I am sure I actually felt my heart break!

[PotentiallyKevin]

2010,

Great posts, i agree. The experience with my BPDgf was necessary for my own emotional growth. I guess whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger eh... .?

[Torchwood]

After being single for many years (focusing on my career, didn't want any distractions) I met my uBPFexGF and I thought I had found the one. Our first few dates were absolutely perfect. She laughed at my corniness, we talked until we were blue in the face and there was this instant click!

4 days into being "committed" she begins yelling at me for something. Red flag anyone?

Anyways, I wasn't happy for most of our relationship. I was constantly trying to relive those feelings from our first dates. But I always had this unsettling feeling with her (she told me how much she dated on our second date and this made me uneasy... "why is this beautiful young career professional still single?) and now I know why. She thinks that people can't handle her opinionated and assertive ways. I just can't handle being treated like a doormat because I spilled some tea on the kitchen floor, or being a constant comfort blanket to assure her she's a great person.

I'm rambling now. This site does it to me! I can never stay on topic .

[Backtome09]

Ramble away Torchwood, it's what we are here for .

Agree with you Mobocracy, I needed it to grow!

[stillholding]

I think of my relationship with my BPD partner as this.  You just rent a nice car for a cross country trip across the USA.  Everything works awesome. Great gas milage, radio comes in clear as a bell, seat are comfortable, convertible for the nice days and your bank account is full.  By the time you get to your destination nothing works right and your trip was miserable.  Nothing works on the car, the top is stuck down, spring are coming up through the seat and the car is just trashed.  The worst part of it all is now some how you have to get back home and your out of money!

[atwittsend]

I've found that the definition of "happiness" changes over time when you're in a relationship with a BPD.  In the beginning "happiness" may be that awesome high feeling you get when someone idolizes you and places you on a pedestal. After many years of dealing with crazy BPD behaviors, I defined "happiness" as those brief periods, few and far between, when BPD husband focused his attention on something other than my faults as a human being.

Looking back, the only true happiness I felt during my marriage was when I spent time with my two children.   

happiness originally was about sharing the things you enjoyed with a person you loved.  toward the end their I was happy if I wasnt beaten or insulted. 

[turtlesoup]

After being single for many years (focusing on my career, didn't want any distractions) I met my uBPFexGF and I thought I had found the one. Our first few dates were absolutely perfect. She laughed at my corniness, we talked until we were blue in the face and there was this instant click!

4 days into being "committed" she begins yelling at me for something. Red flag anyone?

Anyways, I wasn't happy for most of our relationship. I was constantly trying to relive those feelings from our first dates. But I always had this unsettling feeling with her (she told me how much she dated on our second date and this made me uneasy... "why is this beautiful young career professional still single?) and now I know why. She thinks that people can't handle her opinionated and assertive ways. I just can't handle being treated like a doormat because I spilled some tea on the kitchen floor, or being a constant comfort blanket to assure her she's a great person.

I'm rambling now. This site does it to me! I can never stay on topic .

Being "committed" meant something quite else in my relationship. 

[atwittsend]

you are killing me today TS

[WalrusGumboot]

She said, "why can't it be like this forever, I really think it can".

Mine also had these fairy-tailish views of our relationship. THis unrealistic view resides in the minds of children, not mature adults.

At least in my situation, the failure of the relationship to stay in the infatuation stage has fallen squarely on my shoulders. To her, I am the one who is keeping us from going back to those early days. 

[Goose]

No, I don't actually think I was ever really happy. I think I mixed happiness up with the high I achieved with him, when on drugs or when off them. I still don't really know who I am and what part I have played and sometimes still play, I got so enmeshed, still trying to detangle myself and draw together my own sense of self. But I think part of me actually going into the relationship was cause I had nothing else to compare it with, no other relationships previous to that, no happiness either since I had been depressed for years before he and I met. I guess the scary part was I really worshiped the ground he walked on, it's not healthy - I can see that now. Don't think he was happy either, eventhough he said he was.

I've learned things the hard way through this though. I've had to face my own issues, learn to stand up for myself and not let someone else dictate my selfworth. Figured out I myself have abandonment/intimacy issues and how me constantly trying to please others was so wrong. So in some ways I am grateful, eventhough I'm still not really through with it I sometime soon wish to be. A new cornerstone in my life quickly approaching, I'm starting my university education - meeting new people, creating new (healthy!) relationships (his and mine rs was like the only one I've had for years, been quite lonely) and I hope I then can let this rest in peace, turn a new page sort of. Going a bit OT there but oh well, can't help it!

The words, I'm sure you all know the grandiose praising words they say, still ring in my ears though... if they only could've held a true meaning. Maybe I would've been happy.

[samsara]

The courtship phase of my relationship with my upbdbf was like nothing I had experienced because he was a combination of "bad boy" and "knight in shining armor" - at least that is the image he was portraying.

Once I had gotten sucked into the vortex and whisked off to Oz, I have a hard time saying that I've really been truly happy.

There were moments that were calm, fun, and perhaps even at times warm and comfortable, but I cannot say with certainty that there was ever a constant current of happiness in this relationship.

I think I love the cat he brought into the relationship (he rescued a kitten as we were about to move in together) more than I love him. 

I used the analogy with my therapist, that this relationship is like being very hungry and the only food that's available is some $1.99 "all you can eat" all night buffet on the Las Vegas strip.

It's food. a lot of it.  but it's not what your body really wants, and it isn't very satisfying in the long term. 

Once I am able to walk away from the buffet, I will go back to being very hungry, I'll just have to figure out a way to cook for myself   

[eeyore]

that just cracked me up.  Thank you.

[kly]

Yeah, I think a lot of us have had to "cook for ourselves"   

It's better than being diced and fried.

[sosadandone]

I absolutely loved the man

and still do to this day

I just could not fix him which is the miserable part

really miserable

[lovinghating]

I have to admit that when things were good, he was the greatest thing to ever happen to me!  I had never had a guy treat me as wonderfully as he did!  I never laughed so hard, smiled so wide, or felt as beautiful as I did when I was with him!  But when he was his alter ego, I was the most miserable I'd ever been!  He would belittle me with name calling and disrespect.  It was like the world's biggest roller coaster ride!

Kristy

[Backtome09]

I used the analogy with my therapist, that this relationship is like being very hungry and the only food that's available is some $1.99 "all you can eat" all night buffet on the Las Vegas strip.

It's food. a lot of it.  but it's not what your body really wants, and it isn't very satisfying in the long term. 

Once I am able to walk away from the buffet, I will go back to being very hungry, I'll just have to figure out a way to cook for myself   

Ahhh the "food" you cook at home is way better for you anyway. Fast food repeats on you... .LOL I loved this one. Thanks.

x

[Manon46]

There have been a lot of happy moments.

I will be happy again with him if : i abandon my kids, i quit my job, i sell my house, i kill my cats,i will totally ignore my parents, first ex husband, neighbours, my sister, and buy myself an island to share with him, have sex anytime he likes,do all the housework, finances, laughs when he does,pitty him when he is sad,bring him coffee when he wants, let him sleep, wake him up when he wants. etc.etc... .because that is what makes him happy, and should make me happy in his opinion ?

Besides that i still love him unconditional, like i would love a child of 5/6 year old... .

[sarah1234]

I never treated the relationship as if it was going to last forever, it was fun initially and I wasn't looking to settle down with anyone again after being hurt badly

I ignored a lot of red flags because I have a busy life and then I feel I just got sucked into his weird messed up life, that he did a good job of keeping from me. I feel like I got to see the real him but only sometimes, and I kept going back because I knew it was there somehwere. But I think he always knew I wasn't that into him and that is why it got bad with him trying to keep me.

Ex1 who I believe to have BPD of some kind, poss narcs. I felt he was the love I had been looking for. I gave up a lot for him and hurt other people in the belief it was forever and that we were meant to be together. It took me a long time to realise it wasn't the case. I wasn't really 'happy' I just soo badly wanted to be happy with him that I put up with awful things to try to find it

[muddychicken]

The relationship pretty much destroyed me.  In the space of a few months I went from being a confident, poised professional to a walking basket case who broke into tears randomly in the middle of sentences.

Yea, that sums me up... .was in it for 17 years/15 year marriage... .good times but the emotional pain was not worth it... .

[temp101]

ok, so who actually enjoyed there relationship with there BPD? were you actually happy?

i know there were happy moments, but i was pretty much misrable for the majority of the relationship. id say i was about 25% happy.   and then once i actually did start to really enjoy it, she broke up with me.

This is why it's so hard for me to finalize this divorce (though I must.) I was actually happy 90% of the time.

The first year was a h*ll of ups and dains, lots of emotional pain, but the second and the third year were mostly mellow. He was cycling through verbal abuse rages (toward me, not in front or towards S8) about every three months.

The rest of the time? I could go to college. Work with him on his business. Go shopping. Go to auctions. Not like BPD prior to him where the advantabges were few and far between.

But my STBX was getting unhappy, thinking that because I could not find a job (in this market? They put your app in a stack an inch thick) that I was living off him. Unable to think back to the $$$$$$$ I brought in during the Christmas sales season. Because my STBX cannot remember what I've done for him for more than 24 hours, he made himself miserable.

He wanted me to be unhappy, too. So he'd pick fights over meaningless stuff. Even so, he was happy 75% of the time, LOL. Talk about ruining a good thing.