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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Side effects of being with someone who suffers from BPD  (Read 8049 times)
vanilla_essence
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« on: February 10, 2010, 06:02:20 AM »

As I'm currently recovering both physically (see my update post) and mentally from the madness I've been subjected to, I would like to know what side effects this has had on others. Symptoms, physical and mental. I think this is a lot more serious then some of us would like to admit. Please let me know your own stories on this.

Thanks

The Witness
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« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2010, 06:26:27 AM »

As I'm currently recovering both physically (see my update post) and mentally from the madness I've been subjected to, I would like to know what side effects this has had on others. Symptoms, physical and mental. I think this is a lot more serious then some of us would like to admit. Please let me know your own stories on this.

Thanks

The Witness

I think I suffered from a mild case of PTSD.  I had anxiety attacks whenever she contacted me, to the point where I would hyperventilate when the phone rang.  No contact cured that.  I also had situational depression, but I think that was present during the last 10 years of the marriage as well.

GCD145
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« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2010, 08:57:38 AM »

Before I met exBF, I was healthy.  As soon as he entered my life I have had numerous health issues that I NEVER had before:  depression/anxiety and panic attacks, two breast cancer scares, more colds/flu/strep throat (which I've never had before) than I ever did before, pulled calf muscles/strains, heart palpitations, and had to undergo a major surgery for female issues that only intensified shortly after I met exBF.

I have reflected on this and wondered why my body manifested all of these illnesses, where before I had none of it.  I think he was just a bad influence on me, both mentally, physically, etc.   :'(
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« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2010, 09:04:29 AM »

As soon as she entered my life as a friend my anxiety went crazy the way she messed with my head... .I did suffer with similar thing's before but she really played on it and made it worse... .When she was nice (the first month together) I felt the best I ever had... .how that changed  ... .it's as though it was done on purpose
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« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2010, 11:19:14 AM »

I began to get really bad headaches, to the point that I had to go to Urgent Care one night because the pain was so great I wanted to throw up. I would sneeze all the time and have a stuffy nose. I thought I was allergic to my cat, but after my ex left I haven't gotten a headache nore nasal problems. Also I had a bold spot on my head. When I got checked the first time at the Urgent Care center the Dr. told me that my headaches were from stress. The second time I went to the Dr for the bold spot he said it was also stress. When I went the third time for my allergies he told me that it was stress again. By the third time when he pulled my medical records he told me I really needed to calm down and take a break because my body was reacting to all of the stress.
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TonyC
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« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2010, 11:30:36 AM »

ok

i dropped weight... .

i lost interest in everything...

i switched from the most outgoing person... .to not wanting to talk to anyone...

i also learned how to drink a half bottle of vodka... so i could have my own little pity party.

by myself in the dark... .

i think it was major depression...

then the lightning bolt hit me... .and i woke up... .

and welcomed the new world

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« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2010, 11:32:44 AM »

I developed terrible insomnia from the struggles with exBPDgf. A horrible inability to stop thinking about her with the next victim and the things she'd done to me, the evil of which she'll never be able to fathom.

Luckily, my shrink taught me a method where (and this takes real work) I clear my mind by concentrating intently on my own breathing. I suppose it's a form of meditation. And it does work. The ___ty part is that a year and a half after she left, I still have to use this or I'm up all night thinking 'How could this have happened?'.    
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Satori1964
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« Reply #7 on: February 10, 2010, 11:47:45 AM »

Likewise, before I met her I was happy & healthy.  After the honeymoon was over and the relationship progressed into the emotional quagmire that it was I ended up suffering from severe headaches, bouts of depression, I was filled with anxiety, suffered under several panic attacks, lost 12 pounds, severe mood swings, little to no self-esteem and yeah, I can't forget all those sleepless nights.  I ended up sleeping about 2-3 hours per night for weeks towards the end.  I finally ended up crashing last June and had to get professional help and go on anti-depressants for 3 months.  I develop a recovery plan for my self and went LC which helped.  Having gone NC on 12/17/09 is finally bringing me slowly back to normal... .  I am finally starting to feel much better... .  I just find it amazing how this relationship has affected me both emotionally and physically. 

Please take good care of YOUrself!   x

- Ciao
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« Reply #8 on: February 10, 2010, 12:31:30 PM »

i just feel used and my self esteem got lowerd alot but goin to the gym has been helping me get my confidence back.  plus i already had some ptsd so the whole relationship took a toll on me.
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« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2010, 12:35:29 PM »

Emdr Prozac and ambien... .couldn't sleep and still have trouble trusting people or relaxing.
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« Reply #10 on: February 10, 2010, 01:18:27 PM »

Depression for sure... .low self esteem. Tired and fatigued. Anxiety, esp. if I spotted her.  I've had more problems with reflux and porbably drink more than I used to. Lately, I have shaved that one down. My eating habits are terrible. I tend to eat whatever I can get a hold of. I try to make Sundays a day where I have a little company so I can make a nice meal. I hate eating alone.
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« Reply #11 on: February 10, 2010, 01:59:26 PM »

Dropped weight

HAd BAD dreams.

Usually in first two hours of sleep then lay away for hours (unisom helps).

Depression.

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« Reply #12 on: February 10, 2010, 02:04:38 PM »

I drank more then ever.  I never slept.  I performed poorly at work.  I have ptsd
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« Reply #13 on: February 10, 2010, 02:37:52 PM »

Depression, to the point of making me sick.  Migraines, which I never had before.  Some problems with sleep -- waking up early, not able to sleep, etc.  Low self-esteem.  Panic attacks and anxiety, especially when making decisions, and especially when I had to tell her about something that I knew she'll take badly. 

It got better once I realized what was causing it, and after being on the boards for a while. 

It got a lot better when I joined a sports team, and started going regularly.  I highly recommend this to anyone currently in or recently out of a BPD relationship.  Getting some exercise, and being exposed to non-insane people on a regular basis has done more for me than anything else.
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« Reply #14 on: February 10, 2010, 03:00:17 PM »

Anxeity, stress, trouble with sleeping, feeling depressed, low self-esteem, hard time concentrating at my work, trouble with eating etc.

When it comes to physical symptoms I recal when I was supposed to move in with him (which never happened, I ended the relationship at that time, I couldn´t keep my eyes closed any longer... ), then I got a bad back ache and I hadn´t hurt my back in any way or done any different things so I guess my back wanted to tell me something!... An other physical thing was that at a time during the relationship I got rash at my chin and when I showed it to him he said that his last girlfriend had gotten something like that too, he thought it was the same thing, then, of course, I made a joke and said: aha, it must be you then, you make us allergic! I thought it was okej funny then but now I think it´s almost hillarious  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) ... .Another "fun" part of it was his response to my joke, because he took it seriously  ? and almost offended said: no, no, it has nothing to do with me!
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« Reply #15 on: February 10, 2010, 04:01:06 PM »

I was lucky for the whole 4 years I spent with him.  Sleeping well, nothing special physically, if I except all the crying and swollen/red eyes.  Until I left him.  Few days after I told him of my decision and had to confront him in person, I noticed some itchy red patches on my body. Which soon became huge crises of hives!  Had never happened to me before, I even thought there was a really bad spider in my bed  ?.  Had to be under medication day and night, and even that was not enough.

That has lasted until he left. Today, 3 weeks after his departure, there is no trace of hives. As if it had never occured.

What has helped: I used some medical hypnosis techniques and during a self trance, I "talked" to my body, using those validation techniques acquired on that same board (merci merci merci  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) !), telling my body that I understand we are going through difficult times and I would also react like that if I felt not taken care of, but we are a team of 3, body, heart and soul, and need to support each other, and soon we will be all back to good and normal.  After that, by the next day, the hives had decreased by half at least. I could not believe it!

That was my little experience.

Lots of courage to everyone!
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« Reply #16 on: February 10, 2010, 05:50:11 PM »

I find this thread interesting because there are so many threads about all the illnesses the pwBPD have. If just being around them causes so much mental distress that is manifesting itself as physical ailments, it's no wonder that the people with BPD suffer from so many thing, because from everything I've read they are suffering worse than the nons around them do.
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Colombian Chick
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« Reply #17 on: February 10, 2010, 06:45:59 PM »

I find this thread interesting because there are so many threads about all the illnesses the pwBPD have. If just being around them causes so much mental distress that is manifesting itself as physical ailments, it's no wonder that the people with BPD suffer from so many thing, because from everything I've read they are suffering worse than the nons around them do.

Yes, we all can agree that they are suffering everyday.
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« Reply #18 on: February 10, 2010, 06:54:45 PM »

Compartmentalizing my emotions... .anxiety... .fear... .depression... .losing my sense of self... .went from 200 to 183 in just under 2 months after I finally told her that I wanted out of the marriage... .loss of appetite... .insomnia that 2 Ambien couldn't touch... .alcohol... .pain killer addiction... .numbing... .and a 3 day stint in the local psychiatric hospital after I left and was re-engaged into staying! I am out and am not experiencing any of these... .15 year marriage... .2 kids so unfortunately I can't go 100% NC but am at probably 80%... .
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« Reply #19 on: February 10, 2010, 07:11:17 PM »

yeap, I had some bad side effects.

I started noticing my hair was falling out and developing a bald spot,

lost interest on every thing and just wanted to sleep all the time.

Really bad headache that lasted for hours and didn't go away.

Didn't feel like eating much or at all at times.

Fainting as I walked to college.

Feeling tired all the time.

Felt worn out.


My Psychologist professor would always asked me questions like "Are you ok?" "Is there some thing you want to talk about?" and once I told her about my (At the time current girlfriend (My exBPDGF) she made a serious face and two weeks later coincidentally we had a special guest talking about personality disorders and the grief process. I should have listen instead I was so sure that this would never be my ex gf... .Not at all, little did i know I was just refusing to see the facts and ignored most of the lecture.

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joe bfxlk
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« Reply #20 on: February 10, 2010, 07:47:25 PM »

I was near suicidal from the shame of living with the abuse and emotional cruelty, ashamed that I was letting myself do this.  Further, I felt hopeless and helpless about the future.  I thought that no one really cared about me and that I forever would be the caboose on a crazy train.

It helped when it was pointed out to me that I as allowing the BPD to be my virtually only connection with the outside world.

Sleeplessnes was life-destroying when with the BPD.  I worried, worried, worried for hours - and then woke at 4am worrying some more.  And from lack of good sleep, I would be edgy and paranoid, or worse, unable to do the important things that might have been scheduled after a sleepless night.  Toward the end, when we were sleeping in separate rooms, I was still afraid of her.  Sometimes I would literally barricade myself in the bedroom to prevent middle-of-the-night crises.  Then I would stay in bed, reading or whatever, just to avoid that first daily contact, which inevitably would be aggressive.  I was unemployed, so the fact that I had little reason to get out made the situation worse yet.

The doctor put me on sleep-inducing meds.  I was reluctant, but I have to admit that they regularized my life quite a bit - enough so that I saw that this had to end, or I would end.

You know what?  Within a week, sleep regularized and returned with quality after the split.  I was able to go off the sleep meds pretty quickly, even against the doctor's advice.  I do keep them nearby, and it is good to know that they are available in case a breakthrough bad night happens.  (I had one such this week.)  Just being confident that I WILL GET TO SLEEP after all helps in itself.
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« Reply #21 on: February 10, 2010, 07:54:37 PM »

Depression and anxiety

PTSD with nightmares/ bad dreams, still having these from time to time

Lost weight, stopped eating for about two weeks (which didn't hurt ;-)

However, I also noticed some postive side effects as well. 

I think I slept better (when I wasn't having the dreams) and I had more energy.  I think the energy came about because he had dragged me down so far with the constant phone calls, texts and need for attention that I couldn't focus on much else in my life.  When this was over, I realized my focus came back on more important things.
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muddychicken
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« Reply #22 on: February 10, 2010, 09:12:35 PM »

Oh almost forgot... .suicidal and needed EMDR Therapy... .Being cool (click to insert in post)
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lifeisgoodx10
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« Reply #23 on: February 10, 2010, 09:14:45 PM »

I also think I have a light case of PTSD. It seems to be more from the stalking than the r/s itself. There have been a couple of times during the last few months that I was afraid of him and what he might do. I'm not so afraid anymore... .but I'm still looking over my shoulder and rightly so. Also wisely so.
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« Reply #24 on: February 10, 2010, 09:33:47 PM »

It got a lot better when I joined a sports team, and started going regularly.  I highly recommend this to anyone currently in or recently out of a BPD relationship.  Getting some exercise, and being exposed to non-insane people on a regular basis has done more for me than anything else.

The therapist I saw told me that she thought the only reason I was not completely wrecked- institutionalized- was exercise. It's good stuff.

GCD145 
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« Reply #25 on: February 10, 2010, 09:37:03 PM »

Oh almost forgot... .suicidal and needed EMDR Therapy... .Being cool (click to insert in post)

How we forget the little things... .

Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

GCD145
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« Reply #26 on: February 10, 2010, 10:22:27 PM »

I had a little PTSD. I would get anxiety whenever my text message tone would go off. It's finally gone away.
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« Reply #27 on: February 10, 2010, 11:23:27 PM »

Depression, anxiety attacks, self esteem issues, financially drained, emotionally drained, lost weight especially over the last couple of weeks-cant eat, cant concentrate when working always on edge,tired-cant sleep, stressed, angry!

The price you pay for love... .

Butterfly
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Colombian Chick
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« Reply #28 on: February 10, 2010, 11:26:55 PM »

OMG!

I forgot to mention he told me I probably suffered from PTSD... .Of course I did!... .He gave it to me!... .A$$HOLE!
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« Reply #29 on: February 11, 2010, 12:23:15 AM »

Wow I could fill a medical chart.

I got together with BPDxbf shortly after my divorce. I was grieving my xh's sabotaging tactics for us to have children, BPDxbf promised I'd fit into his family (3 daughters, older teens at the time, I should have known better, but thought FUN!), and he'd do anything to give me children, etc. My hair was falling out in handfuls from the 'infertility' stress. He finished the job my husband started and I'm left with no children. Still grieving no children. Lately, sparing details, girl problems and unbearable pain may force the issue to the grave and they may need to just take my uterus (oops, too much info... .). I am positive the stress has forced this. My age doesn't help. My hair went through another fit of falling out but I think it's stabilized. It did grow back the first time: you can tell if this happens to you because you notice all the fuzzies trying to catch up to the regular length of your hair. Fortunately I've always had too much, grew it long, and since there's still too much of it, no one notices. Just me clearing the shower drain.

Went through horrible adult acne. Embarrassing. Spent too much time in previous down times, after he dumped me, curled up in a ball drinking whiskey in a corner of the house. Crying on the stairs because I couldn't go any further. Spent a lot of time and money in PT because my shoulders and neck would lock up, like a severe muscle spasm.

Recovering from not talking to anyone, even co-workers. Especially men because of his unbelievable jealousy. I work in a non-traditional job and it is imperative I talk to engineers, developers, and construction workers. Eventually I would probably be fired for this because I can not do my job without talking to people. It is the crux of what I do. It got so bad I wouldn't even look anyone in the eye. My Mom asked me what happened to me: she pointed out I used to be such a happy person, such a giggly girl, I always laughed, now I don't crack a smile. In the first year, I confess, BPDxbf gave me a 22 with a magnum chamber (bigger bullets) and I thought about it. Like they say in AlAnon: "it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

I could go on. I truly believe in stress management therapy and working on improving myself, including reaching out to others. This site was a lifeline on Jan 10 when he moved out. You people were the first ones I turned to. Thank you for being here.
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« Reply #30 on: February 11, 2010, 12:33:51 AM »

I also forgot to mention.

Depression,

Suicidal thoughts,

Low self esteem,

A almost phobia of walking outside my door, like I am only safe inside my room,

Racing heart and thoughts if I see pictures of her,

Just the thought being near her send me in to a panic,

Uncontrollable urge to cry all the time,

I can't look at people in the eye,

Here names make me want to run and duck for cover,

Almost afraid of meeting any female , cause I start to believe the only females who approach me are the ones with BPD.

Hunting thoughts of her that the only way for me to stop thinking of her.

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joe bfxlk
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« Reply #31 on: February 11, 2010, 12:54:29 AM »

Just so here, too.
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« Reply #32 on: February 11, 2010, 01:22:29 AM »

For me the biggest one are:

Fear of going out of my front door - I open the door so slowly, take a peak out, if there's no one around then I will quickly dash to the car... .I'm ok once i'm in the car... .but getting out of the car at the other end is equally as difficult.

Not being able to look peope in the eye - even people who I know well, I can't keep any eye contact at all.

Fear of meeting unfamiliar people - I work in a job where I have to do this all the time, I have avoided it for 3 weeks, can't avoid it much longer

Fear of my phone... .everytime it goes I just get such a sick feeling in my stomach and I can't bear to look at it.

Not sleeping properly... .3-4 hours a night for 3 weeks.

Fear of waking up... .the first half an hour of a day is horrible and I almost don't want to go to sleep as I know I will have to get through the pain of pulling myself together

It seems that being with someone like this has taken away my ability to engage normally with the world and left me fearful of my life... .hmmm sounds familiar... .I guess his inability to engage normally with the world has taken it's toll.

I used to be so confident and bubbly... .and now look at me, I can't even open a door! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)


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jen
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« Reply #33 on: February 11, 2010, 05:23:17 AM »

Don't know who I am any more - no confidence in myself.

Unable to make decisions.

Scared to go outside - once in car can get panicky at thoughts of bumping into pple who know me.

Wishing I was dead - wondering how to do it, looking forward to death, the end.

Feeling empty and numb.

Feeling worthless and useless.

Ashamed and guilty - that my girls have seen this and know I let it happen to me.

On anti-depressants over 2 yrs this time - continual bouts of depression.

Shingles, Cellulitus, Bowel problems, Drink problems, food problems, social problems, not able to work any more, financial problems, feeling helpless not in control.

Loss of friends/family.  Empty - not knowing who the hell I am anymore!

Poor memory, poor concentration, not wanting to get up to face the day not wanting to do anything or housework or personal hygiene.  Loss of interest.  No enjoyment from things.  Panic, anxiety,upset, crying, emotionally retarted!
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« Reply #34 on: February 11, 2010, 05:26:23 AM »

Don't know who I am any more - no confidence in myself.

Unable to make decisions.

Scared to go outside - once in car can get panicky at thoughts of bumping into pple who know me.

Wishing I was dead - wondering how to do it, looking forward to death, the end.

Feeling empty and numb.

Feeling worthless and useless.

Ashamed and guilty - that my girls have seen this and know I let it happen to me.

On anti-depressants over 2 yrs this time - continual bouts of depression.

Shingles, Cellulitus, Bowel problems, Drink problems, food problems, social problems, not able to work any more, financial problems, feeling helpless not in control.

Loss of friends/family.  Empty - not knowing who the hell I am anymore!

Poor memory, poor concentration, not wanting to get up to face the day not wanting to do anything or housework or personal hygiene.  Loss of interest.  No enjoyment from things.  Panic, anxiety,upset, crying, emotionally retarted!

Oh, Jen, that sounds horrible!  x

Are you still under a doctor's care? You sound really bad off.

GCD145
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« Reply #35 on: February 11, 2010, 06:29:29 AM »

My side effects... .ok, depression, lack of sleep, too much sleep, taking my frustration out on my family, lack of confidence, crying, not seeing my friends due to him being jealous and needy, not doing what I want to do, not spending time with my family, not spending time on ME, angry, fed up, even more anger, guilt, gastric problems (due to rushing around to take him places when he demands me to), heart palpitations, the list is endless... .

I am the one who wants to see someone to help me, he however will not admit he has a problem. ...
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« Reply #36 on: February 11, 2010, 06:59:19 AM »

Sleep loss,  that's the biggie. This affects every part of my life.
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« Reply #37 on: February 11, 2010, 07:07:12 AM »

anxiety, depression, loss of self esteem and self worth, shame, guilt (he said I caused him to have these very same feelings) I mostly slept okay unless he was keeping me awake, but I felt soo tired and unmotivated all of the time. The very worst was the constant state of confusion my mind was in and my inability to make even the most simple decisions.
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« Reply #38 on: February 11, 2010, 10:55:23 AM »

Wow! It is impressive, despite how everyone is a little bit different, that there are many common threads and experiences.  Here again, I thought I was a special case. I thought that my BPDex was unique in her behavior patterns, but these boards have shown me otherwise.  And, now, I don't feel quite so crazy knowing that others in the same situation experienced many of the same after-effects.  Like many here, I'm still in that isolation phase more than I want to be - but it looks like I will emerge in due time almost back to my old self.  I wonder how long it takes to drop the shame and fear, however.  Those things just appear to be ugly scars on my face apparent to myself and most others always.  It's the history of it all that seems to be the insoluble problem.  It seems impossible to leave one's history, even though the self might otherwise move on and grow out of things.  I also worry about my age in this regard.  At 58, it's a lot different from being 28 when talking about moving on and getting a new life.
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« Reply #39 on: February 11, 2010, 12:34:53 PM »

BPD's need to come with a warning label.

Call a doctor immediatly if you suffer from these side effects from being in a BPD relationship:

(these were my side effects)

short term memory loss

fainting spells

neck pain

shoulder pain

gastrointestonal problems

migrains

suicidal thoughts

major depression

social anxiety

panic attacks

high blood pressure

heart palpatations

low self esteem

cuts, bruises, stitches and scars from the abuse

insomnia

eye twitching

my personality changed from nice, caring, sweet and a ton of friends -to- bitter, angry, short tempered, no patience, no friends etc etc

and I lost 50lbs from the stress

Sadly, I still have most of those symptoms, except now that he is out... .no shoulder pain, better temper, im getting my friends back and my patience is better.

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« Reply #40 on: February 11, 2010, 12:49:17 PM »

Excerpt
and I lost 50lbs from the stress

Why couldn't this happen to me?
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« Reply #41 on: February 11, 2010, 12:52:47 PM »

I'm on three kinds of medication and seeing a therapist. Its the first time in my life... .

The depression almost crushed me with him and after he left.

I still am shocked about it all
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« Reply #42 on: February 11, 2010, 08:54:50 PM »

Doctors rarely get personally involved, but I am grateful that mine did just once.  One day she was fairly blunt "I can keep prescribing medication for you, but the problems will really never get resolved as long as you are in that relationship."  That was a wake-up call for me.  And I think that I had a sense of permission that allowed me to bail out with less guilt.
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« Reply #43 on: February 11, 2010, 09:39:15 PM »

Two side-effects that WERE NEW TO ME that I obtained due to stress from the relationship were: Stomach problems, and rapid loss of vision. I went from 20/20 in one eye and 20/15 in the other to horrible vision. I will probably need glasses. 
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4. Something possessing the capacity for growth or development.
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« Reply #44 on: February 11, 2010, 09:56:11 PM »

Excerpt
and I lost 50lbs from the stress

Why couldn't this happen to me?

Me too, I *gained* being with him. This was after losing a huge amount of weight and being in about the best shape of my life. I stopped taking care of myself, ate whatever he put in front of me and at the worst times. And even now that we don't see each other that often, I am having a difficult time kick starting my metabolism.

As someone else said, lack of sleep and too much sleep. Even when he is not around I am having a hard time getting out of bed (we have not spent a light together since New Years Eve). I think it's still ingrained in me that bed is safe and private.

Loss of concentration and brain power. I am typically a great multi-tasker but lost that for a bit at times.

And the general feeling of fear when I was with, say, someone for lunch, that he would show up. It was like I had become a shadow of my former self. And I am ashamed of that.
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« Reply #45 on: February 11, 2010, 10:08:16 PM »

I started feeling sad most of the time. Lost interest in new things. I used to be such a positive person, had lots of friends, no problems with work or school, people always said I had a nice smile. But after 2 years with a jealous, impulsive, negative, angry, suspicious and abusive partner my behavior changed. After I met my BP boyfriend one of my friends said that I sounded negative. I was suprised that somebody saw this change in me so early on in my relationship. Now I see it in myself.   
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« Reply #46 on: February 12, 2010, 03:49:37 AM »

oh well lets see

ive lost 25 pounds in two months -- went from 5'7, 155, to 130 ... .not complaining, but it's a little weird to be less than high school weight

have to take xanax regularly

have to take tylenol pm just to sleep

heart racing constantly

unable to smile at work (was told i put off a bad aura)

snapping at my parents

im 27 and have even had nights where ive slept IN my parent's bed

i have an apartment that i cannot stay at by myself

i look forward to these boards on my time off work for therapy.  otherwise i sleep or read books about letting go.

shaking when she texts/calls.

i shook uncontrollably while holding her last time i saw her because i had just realized she majorly lied to me

unable to orgasm when having sex with her anymore

obsessive thoughts constantly

at the beginning had many thoughts of suicide

am now starting on Lexapro

loss of friends/interest in a social life

night terrors

basically all in all debilitating anxiety and depression that has taken over my life.
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« Reply #47 on: February 12, 2010, 04:25:08 AM »

oh well lets see

basically all in all debilitating anxiety and depression that has taken over my life.

  SMP... .I've been through similar pains with my break-up... .I found the cure slowly but surely... .No Contact... It helped regain my sense of self and equibilibrium and confidence. I was in such a state only 1 1/2 month ago... .couldn't sleep, thought of her all the time... .Getting better now, able to concentrate on other stuff for myself now... .and now she tries to re-engagement me on facebook etc with inane comments and I realize how sick she is... .
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« Reply #48 on: February 12, 2010, 11:13:43 AM »

SoMuchPain... .I thought I was the only person to experience being unable to orgasm this started near the end when it was apparant that it was over and believe me I wanted the sex to get over with but the more I wished for it to end, the longer it would take... .and believe me, I'm complaining about that... .now that I'm out (2months) sex is the last thing on my mind... .it's been 67 days and I could care less! Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #49 on: February 18, 2010, 03:45:15 AM »

Sorry I haven't replied to any of these messages. It's been quite uncomfortable to sit so decided I'd take a break from the boards as you can spend hours on here writing and reading. It's a little too painful in more ways than one.

Anyway I've read through all these posts and I'm not really surprised about all of the side effects. It is important sometimes to express them and let others know. I just hope we can all heal and I'm sure some of us have already.

We mustn't forget though that at the end of any relationship (healthy ones included) we're going to have these side effects. We can't condemn our partners for absolutely everything that goes wrong in our lives. It was up to us to stay or leave. Most of us stayed and that says a lot. The more we stayed the more the damage would get worse. Think of yourselves, heal and grow. I'm trying to take this opportunity to reflect deeply on my own take in life and those issues that led me into being in this relationship and staying in it for 5 years. I know some of the reasons but it's the habits of a lifetime that have brought me to this place I'm now in. I'm doing all I can to remove the past from within me. To become mindful and to practice that everyday. It's maintaining this new way of seeing things that will be the most difficult. I can only but try.

Love to you all and thanks for posting on this very serious topic

x

The Witness

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« Reply #50 on: February 18, 2010, 04:24:46 AM »

I lost 4 stone (which to be honest, was no bad thing) but quickly and dramatically! I also lost a lot of self confidence and a lot of friends.

Everybody around me could see her for who she was, friends (she even kicked one of my friends and I'm so ashamed now that I didn't take this more seriously, other than apologising on her behalf that should have been enough for me to close her down right there) and my family who couldn't stand her.

I owe it to everyone in my life to take a huge lesson from this, not just to myself.
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« Reply #51 on: February 18, 2010, 12:28:56 PM »

Broke up with BPD/NPD gf almost 2 months ago. Went into deep depression, no focus, falling/lost feeling. I was physically addicted to her. Started taking St. Johns wart and L-Tryptofan, which helped greatly! Worked with my nature pathologist and acupuncture. Lost a lot of weight, still am down but getting better. Talked to core friends, (still do) to GET HER OUT of my mind. Still think of her everyday, but able to keep the thoughts down. Work out regularly, YOGA!, listen to self-awareness conferences and treating myself to massages. Starting to date again and just hang out with normal people. I also had my Mom pretty much move in. I just couldn't stand being alone, I mean I spent every waking hour with my ex, you know how they need you constantly there. So, it was a huge relief at first when it ended, but then the after affects started to creep in and it was dark and cold for a month or so. I'm doing much better now. 

The gift of BPD is to become aware of what it is about you that you would pick this person to be with.
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« Reply #52 on: February 18, 2010, 02:58:37 PM »

Plaintop,

I also spent all my time with my ex-lover, he needed me to constantly assure that he was loved. I stayed in our home so there are lots of memories here. He was like the perfect man for me when we met (note: honeymoon stage) but as we know that changed.

I am still struggling to get back to equilibrium, most of the time I spend reflecting over why I let anybody treat me this way. Knowing that they really don't feel things the way a normal person does.

Will try St.John's and L-tryptophan, going to the pharmacy right now!

Thanks.
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« Reply #53 on: February 18, 2010, 03:49:11 PM »

For me it all turned into depression eventually and snowballed like crazy after the relationship ended with some mild anxiety here and there. Any physical thing going on was a manifestation of that. There were many. Sleep issues, weight loss/gain, headaches, random aches and pains, inability to focus, etc etc etc.
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« Reply #54 on: February 18, 2010, 03:58:37 PM »

Maria, make sure your contact your physician and or go very slowly with those. I use a product called "Mood take care" it's an extract of SJW. The L-tryptofan is great if you are having sleep issues, it kind of pulls you out of the funk and helps you get good sleep all at the same time. Highly recommended for all of you having sleep issues here from this. My naturepatholigist turned me onto it, and I took it for about 4-5 days until I felt I didn't need it anymore. You can get it anywhere, organic store or similar.
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« Reply #55 on: February 18, 2010, 07:50:21 PM »

Please don't tell me that I'm emotionally damaged for good. I want to be in a normal relationship. I have not been on any medication, I am healthy except for the sadness, emptyness, lack of energy. And sometimes I feel like a fool for staying in a bad relationship for too long.
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« Reply #56 on: February 18, 2010, 08:34:28 PM »

My weight has been yo-yo'ing since December - down 5+ then up 5+ then down 5+ then up 5+ then down 5+ at last weigh in.

I keep going between no appetite and craving carbs.
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« Reply #57 on: February 18, 2010, 09:30:11 PM »

Plaintop,

I also spent all my time with my ex-lover, he needed me to constantly assure that he was loved. I stayed in our home so there are lots of memories here. He was like the perfect man for me when we met (note: honeymoon stage) but as we know that changed.

I am still struggling to get back to equilibrium, most of the time I spend reflecting over why I let anybody treat me this way. Knowing that they really don't feel things the way a normal person does.

Will try St.John's and L-tryptophan, going to the pharmacy right now!

Thanks.

i find this odd that you both say this.  my ex felt smothered by relationships and constantly wanted to be able to do her own thing ... .definitely not see me 24/7!  hmmm.
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« Reply #58 on: February 19, 2010, 07:31:26 AM »

 Get out when you can and do not think you can stay and make it better. The side effects will be near death.
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« Reply #59 on: February 19, 2010, 10:26:37 AM »

Get out when you can and do not think you can stay and make it better. The side effects will be near death.

I suppose that this post could refer to any one of us.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #60 on: February 19, 2010, 10:38:18 AM »

I'm not on medication, I'm not having sleep issues and I'm not as sad and bummed out as I was a couple of months ago. However, I do find myself being more careful with what I say. I find myself apologizing to people because I'm worried I might have offended them and/or angered them. Slowly but surely this is beginning to stop as I feel like myself again.

It's a wonderful feeling to realize "I'm me again!"
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« Reply #61 on: February 19, 2010, 11:17:11 AM »

Excerpt
I'm not on medication, I'm not having sleep issues and I'm not as sad and bummed out as I was a couple of months ago. However, I do find myself being more careful with what I say. I find myself apologizing to people because I'm worried I might have offended them and/or angered them. Slowly but surely this is beginning to stop as I feel like myself again.

I've been doing the same thing! Friends and family members even told me to stop worrying if I hurt their feelings. They laughed and said "we can take a joke, we are not 5 you know!". I said to myself WOW, I'm traumatized!
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« Reply #62 on: February 19, 2010, 11:24:46 AM »

Excerpt
I also spent all my time with my ex-lover, he needed me to constantly assure that he was loved. I stayed in our home so there are lots of memories here. He was like the perfect man for me when we met (note: honeymoon stage) but as we know that changed.

My xBPDbf was the exact same way. I had to spend all of my free time with him and if I even mentioned spending time with family and friends he would flip. I also stayed in our home and I don't even go to the second floor becuase everything reminds me of him. I have been sleeping in the couch  :'(.

When we first met it was great, but I feel that after we moved in together everything changed. He was edgy and more demanding of my time. My boss even told me to stop being on the phone so much, he would call me constantly and send me texts. One time that I couldn't answer any of the texts he sent me a picture of himself crying. I was really confussed and emotionally drained by him. He needs constant reassurance and love, but there is only so much a person could give.
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« Reply #63 on: February 20, 2010, 12:37:14 PM »

While I was with her in the relationship, especially towards the last year of our relationship, I became really depressed.  Now, that we are over, I suffer from PTSD. Hearing from her in any way, shape or form produces anxiety in me. I feel very upset and it takes a while for me to unwind.
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« Reply #64 on: February 20, 2010, 01:04:15 PM »

While I was with her in the relationship, especially towards the last year of our relationship, I became really depressed.  Now, that we are over, I suffer from PTSD. Hearing from her in any way, shape or form produces anxiety in me. I feel very upset and it takes a while for me to unwind.

You know, Jalk, I feel the same way. Depression and PTSD.

That's why I've made it impossible for her to contact me except through her lawyer.  Occasionally, she finds a new way to try to get in touch.  Then I block that, too.

I've told her after she's contacted me that I can't handle hearing from her, but she does it anyway, which pretty much sums up how she interacted with me.  It was always about her, and if I had needs, I was selfish.

Let her go, man, let her go.  Change your phone number already, block her emails, cut her out of your life for good and for ever.

GCD145
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« Reply #65 on: February 22, 2010, 12:20:33 PM »

Doctors rarely get personally involved, but I am grateful that mine did just once.  One day she was fairly blunt "I can keep prescribing medication for you, but the problems will really never get resolved as long as you are in that relationship."  That was a wake-up call for me.  And I think that I had a sense of permission that allowed me to bail out with less guilt.

It's good to hear in the age of over prescribing, there are doctors out there like this.  I'm curious though - was this a family doctor or psychiatrist?  If you don't want to share that's okay, but it appears you had an open dialogue with your doc since he mentioned the relationship.  That is so important and kudos to you - more people should follow your example and be honest with their docs.  Sadly, most are embarrassed about the hit_ they are dealing with and will tell no one.

I remember by first medical appt after I left my BPD husband.  The doctor asked if I needed a refill for my Zoloft.  (I had to be switched to Zoloft after I maxed out the Prozac dosage.) I told her no - I got rid of the source of my stress. 

The PTSD issues I deal with now, fortunately, can be managed through exercise, talk with female coworkers, therapy and this website.  This is a great thread btw.  Thanks to the author!
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