Side effects of being with someone who suffers from BPD

[Healingheart.]

I also forgot to mention.

Depression,

Suicidal thoughts,

Low self esteem,

A almost phobia of walking outside my door, like I am only safe inside my room,

Racing heart and thoughts if I see pictures of her,

Just the thought being near her send me in to a panic,

Uncontrollable urge to cry all the time,

I can't look at people in the eye,

Here names make me want to run and duck for cover,

Almost afraid of meeting any female , cause I start to believe the only females who approach me are the ones with BPD.

Hunting thoughts of her that the only way for me to stop thinking of her.

[joe bfxlk]

Just so here, too.

[Ragdoll]

For me the biggest one are:

Fear of going out of my front door - I open the door so slowly, take a peak out, if there's no one around then I will quickly dash to the car... .I'm ok once i'm in the car... .but getting out of the car at the other end is equally as difficult.

Not being able to look peope in the eye - even people who I know well, I can't keep any eye contact at all.

Fear of meeting unfamiliar people - I work in a job where I have to do this all the time, I have avoided it for 3 weeks, can't avoid it much longer

Fear of my phone... .everytime it goes I just get such a sick feeling in my stomach and I can't bear to look at it.

Not sleeping properly... .3-4 hours a night for 3 weeks.

Fear of waking up... .the first half an hour of a day is horrible and I almost don't want to go to sleep as I know I will have to get through the pain of pulling myself together

It seems that being with someone like this has taken away my ability to engage normally with the world and left me fearful of my life... .hmmm sounds familiar... .I guess his inability to engage normally with the world has taken it's toll.

I used to be so confident and bubbly... .and now look at me, I can't even open a door!

[jen]

Don't know who I am any more - no confidence in myself.

Unable to make decisions.

Scared to go outside - once in car can get panicky at thoughts of bumping into pple who know me.

Wishing I was dead - wondering how to do it, looking forward to death, the end.

Feeling empty and numb.

Feeling worthless and useless.

Ashamed and guilty - that my girls have seen this and know I let it happen to me.

On anti-depressants over 2 yrs this time - continual bouts of depression.

Shingles, Cellulitus, Bowel problems, Drink problems, food problems, social problems, not able to work any more, financial problems, feeling helpless not in control.

Loss of friends/family.  Empty - not knowing who the hell I am anymore!

Poor memory, poor concentration, not wanting to get up to face the day not wanting to do anything or housework or personal hygiene.  Loss of interest.  No enjoyment from things.  Panic, anxiety,upset, crying, emotionally retarted!

[GCD145]

Don't know who I am any more - no confidence in myself.

Unable to make decisions.

Scared to go outside - once in car can get panicky at thoughts of bumping into pple who know me.

Wishing I was dead - wondering how to do it, looking forward to death, the end.

Feeling empty and numb.

Feeling worthless and useless.

Ashamed and guilty - that my girls have seen this and know I let it happen to me.

On anti-depressants over 2 yrs this time - continual bouts of depression.

Shingles, Cellulitus, Bowel problems, Drink problems, food problems, social problems, not able to work any more, financial problems, feeling helpless not in control.

Loss of friends/family.  Empty - not knowing who the hell I am anymore!

Poor memory, poor concentration, not wanting to get up to face the day not wanting to do anything or housework or personal hygiene.  Loss of interest.  No enjoyment from things.  Panic, anxiety,upset, crying, emotionally retarted!

Oh, Jen, that sounds horrible!  x

Are you still under a doctor's care? You sound really bad off.

GCD145

[VB]

My side effects... .ok, depression, lack of sleep, too much sleep, taking my frustration out on my family, lack of confidence, crying, not seeing my friends due to him being jealous and needy, not doing what I want to do, not spending time with my family, not spending time on ME, angry, fed up, even more anger, guilt, gastric problems (due to rushing around to take him places when he demands me to), heart palpitations, the list is endless... .

I am the one who wants to see someone to help me, he however will not admit he has a problem. ...

[LifesaDance]

Sleep loss,  that's the biggie. This affects every part of my life.

[Bdawn]

anxiety, depression, loss of self esteem and self worth, shame, guilt (he said I caused him to have these very same feelings) I mostly slept okay unless he was keeping me awake, but I felt soo tired and unmotivated all of the time. The very worst was the constant state of confusion my mind was in and my inability to make even the most simple decisions.

[joe bfxlk]

Wow! It is impressive, despite how everyone is a little bit different, that there are many common threads and experiences.  Here again, I thought I was a special case. I thought that my BPDex was unique in her behavior patterns, but these boards have shown me otherwise.  And, now, I don't feel quite so crazy knowing that others in the same situation experienced many of the same after-effects.  Like many here, I'm still in that isolation phase more than I want to be - but it looks like I will emerge in due time almost back to my old self.  I wonder how long it takes to drop the shame and fear, however.  Those things just appear to be ugly scars on my face apparent to myself and most others always.  It's the history of it all that seems to be the insoluble problem.  It seems impossible to leave one's history, even though the self might otherwise move on and grow out of things.  I also worry about my age in this regard.  At 58, it's a lot different from being 28 when talking about moving on and getting a new life.

[JTD]

BPD's need to come with a warning label.

Call a doctor immediatly if you suffer from these side effects from being in a BPD relationship:

(these were my side effects)

short term memory loss

fainting spells

neck pain

shoulder pain

gastrointestonal problems

migrains

suicidal thoughts

major depression

social anxiety

panic attacks

high blood pressure

heart palpatations

low self esteem

cuts, bruises, stitches and scars from the abuse

insomnia

eye twitching

my personality changed from nice, caring, sweet and a ton of friends -to- bitter, angry, short tempered, no patience, no friends etc etc

and I lost 50lbs from the stress

Sadly, I still have most of those symptoms, except now that he is out... .no shoulder pain, better temper, im getting my friends back and my patience is better.

[havana]

and I lost 50lbs from the stress

Why couldn't this happen to me?

[anker]

I'm on three kinds of medication and seeing a therapist. Its the first time in my life... .

The depression almost crushed me with him and after he left.

I still am shocked about it all

[joe bfxlk]

Doctors rarely get personally involved, but I am grateful that mine did just once.  One day she was fairly blunt "I can keep prescribing medication for you, but the problems will really never get resolved as long as you are in that relationship."  That was a wake-up call for me.  And I think that I had a sense of permission that allowed me to bail out with less guilt.

[PotentiallyKevin]

Two side-effects that WERE NEW TO ME that I obtained due to stress from the relationship were: Stomach problems, and rapid loss of vision. I went from 20/20 in one eye and 20/15 in the other to horrible vision. I will probably need glasses. 

[WhyMe?]

and I lost 50lbs from the stress

Why couldn't this happen to me?

Me too, I *gained* being with him. This was after losing a huge amount of weight and being in about the best shape of my life. I stopped taking care of myself, ate whatever he put in front of me and at the worst times. And even now that we don't see each other that often, I am having a difficult time kick starting my metabolism.

As someone else said, lack of sleep and too much sleep. Even when he is not around I am having a hard time getting out of bed (we have not spent a light together since New Years Eve). I think it's still ingrained in me that bed is safe and private.

Loss of concentration and brain power. I am typically a great multi-tasker but lost that for a bit at times.

And the general feeling of fear when I was with, say, someone for lunch, that he would show up. It was like I had become a shadow of my former self. And I am ashamed of that.

[O'Maria]

I started feeling sad most of the time. Lost interest in new things. I used to be such a positive person, had lots of friends, no problems with work or school, people always said I had a nice smile. But after 2 years with a jealous, impulsive, negative, angry, suspicious and abusive partner my behavior changed. After I met my BP boyfriend one of my friends said that I sounded negative. I was suprised that somebody saw this change in me so early on in my relationship. Now I see it in myself.   

[SoMuchPain]

oh well lets see

ive lost 25 pounds in two months -- went from 5'7, 155, to 130 ... .not complaining, but it's a little weird to be less than high school weight

have to take xanax regularly

have to take tylenol pm just to sleep

heart racing constantly

unable to smile at work (was told i put off a bad aura)

snapping at my parents

im 27 and have even had nights where ive slept IN my parent's bed

i have an apartment that i cannot stay at by myself

i look forward to these boards on my time off work for therapy.  otherwise i sleep or read books about letting go.

shaking when she texts/calls.

i shook uncontrollably while holding her last time i saw her because i had just realized she majorly lied to me

unable to orgasm when having sex with her anymore

obsessive thoughts constantly

at the beginning had many thoughts of suicide

am now starting on Lexapro

loss of friends/interest in a social life

night terrors

basically all in all debilitating anxiety and depression that has taken over my life.

[Morgause]

oh well lets see

basically all in all debilitating anxiety and depression that has taken over my life.

  SMP... .I've been through similar pains with my break-up... .I found the cure slowly but surely... .No Contact... It helped regain my sense of self and equibilibrium and confidence. I was in such a state only 1 1/2 month ago... .couldn't sleep, thought of her all the time... .Getting better now, able to concentrate on other stuff for myself now... .and now she tries to re-engagement me on facebook etc with inane comments and I realize how sick she is... .

[muddychicken]

SoMuchPain... .I thought I was the only person to experience being unable to orgasm this started near the end when it was apparant that it was over and believe me I wanted the sex to get over with but the more I wished for it to end, the longer it would take... .and believe me, I'm complaining about that... .now that I'm out (2months) sex is the last thing on my mind... .it's been 67 days and I could care less!

[vanilla_essence]

Sorry I haven't replied to any of these messages. It's been quite uncomfortable to sit so decided I'd take a break from the boards as you can spend hours on here writing and reading. It's a little too painful in more ways than one.

Anyway I've read through all these posts and I'm not really surprised about all of the side effects. It is important sometimes to express them and let others know. I just hope we can all heal and I'm sure some of us have already.

We mustn't forget though that at the end of any relationship (healthy ones included) we're going to have these side effects. We can't condemn our partners for absolutely everything that goes wrong in our lives. It was up to us to stay or leave. Most of us stayed and that says a lot. The more we stayed the more the damage would get worse. Think of yourselves, heal and grow. I'm trying to take this opportunity to reflect deeply on my own take in life and those issues that led me into being in this relationship and staying in it for 5 years. I know some of the reasons but it's the habits of a lifetime that have brought me to this place I'm now in. I'm doing all I can to remove the past from within me. To become mindful and to practice that everyday. It's maintaining this new way of seeing things that will be the most difficult. I can only but try.

Love to you all and thanks for posting on this very serious topic

x

The Witness

[turtlesoup]

I lost 4 stone (which to be honest, was no bad thing) but quickly and dramatically! I also lost a lot of self confidence and a lot of friends.

Everybody around me could see her for who she was, friends (she even kicked one of my friends and I'm so ashamed now that I didn't take this more seriously, other than apologising on her behalf that should have been enough for me to close her down right there) and my family who couldn't stand her.

I owe it to everyone in my life to take a huge lesson from this, not just to myself.

[plaintop]

Broke up with BPD/NPD gf almost 2 months ago. Went into deep depression, no focus, falling/lost feeling. I was physically addicted to her. Started taking St. Johns wart and L-Tryptofan, which helped greatly! Worked with my nature pathologist and acupuncture. Lost a lot of weight, still am down but getting better. Talked to core friends, (still do) to GET HER OUT of my mind. Still think of her everyday, but able to keep the thoughts down. Work out regularly, YOGA!, listen to self-awareness conferences and treating myself to massages. Starting to date again and just hang out with normal people. I also had my Mom pretty much move in. I just couldn't stand being alone, I mean I spent every waking hour with my ex, you know how they need you constantly there. So, it was a huge relief at first when it ended, but then the after affects started to creep in and it was dark and cold for a month or so. I'm doing much better now. 

The gift of BPD is to become aware of what it is about you that you would pick this person to be with.

[O'Maria]

Plaintop,

I also spent all my time with my ex-lover, he needed me to constantly assure that he was loved. I stayed in our home so there are lots of memories here. He was like the perfect man for me when we met (note: honeymoon stage) but as we know that changed.

I am still struggling to get back to equilibrium, most of the time I spend reflecting over why I let anybody treat me this way. Knowing that they really don't feel things the way a normal person does.

Will try St.John's and L-tryptophan, going to the pharmacy right now!

Thanks.

[MxMan]

For me it all turned into depression eventually and snowballed like crazy after the relationship ended with some mild anxiety here and there. Any physical thing going on was a manifestation of that. There were many. Sleep issues, weight loss/gain, headaches, random aches and pains, inability to focus, etc etc etc.

[plaintop]

Maria, make sure your contact your physician and or go very slowly with those. I use a product called "Mood take care" it's an extract of SJW. The L-tryptofan is great if you are having sleep issues, it kind of pulls you out of the funk and helps you get good sleep all at the same time. Highly recommended for all of you having sleep issues here from this. My naturepatholigist turned me onto it, and I took it for about 4-5 days until I felt I didn't need it anymore. You can get it anywhere, organic store or similar.

[O'Maria]

Please don't tell me that I'm emotionally damaged for good. I want to be in a normal relationship. I have not been on any medication, I am healthy except for the sadness, emptyness, lack of energy. And sometimes I feel like a fool for staying in a bad relationship for too long.

[AppleChippy]

My weight has been yo-yo'ing since December - down 5+ then up 5+ then down 5+ then up 5+ then down 5+ at last weigh in.

I keep going between no appetite and craving carbs.

[SoMuchPain]

Plaintop,

I also spent all my time with my ex-lover, he needed me to constantly assure that he was loved. I stayed in our home so there are lots of memories here. He was like the perfect man for me when we met (note: honeymoon stage) but as we know that changed.

I am still struggling to get back to equilibrium, most of the time I spend reflecting over why I let anybody treat me this way. Knowing that they really don't feel things the way a normal person does.

Will try St.John's and L-tryptophan, going to the pharmacy right now!

Thanks.

i find this odd that you both say this.  my ex felt smothered by relationships and constantly wanted to be able to do her own thing ... .definitely not see me 24/7!  hmmm.

[2010]

 Get out when you can and do not think you can stay and make it better. The side effects will be near death.

[vanilla_essence]

Get out when you can and do not think you can stay and make it better. The side effects will be near death.

I suppose that this post could refer to any one of us.