latest break up was 2 months ago

[crazyoverher]

Here's the short and sweet of it... .

I'm 40, my ex gf is 38.  we are both divorced with children... .she is a BPD.  She broke up with me again, and again... .anyway, the latest break up was 2 months ago.  she defriended me on facebook, cut off all ties and said that it was the only way because she felt our relationship was toxic. she said that a clean break was best.

i complied though it hurt.

well, 3 days ago, she called me and then emailed me... .at first... .blaming me for all her problems. then, she emailed me that she was sorry and for me to call her.

i did not.

the next day, she apologized for the emails... .she was drunk.  but yesterday, she did it again... .she called me and then texted me.  i did not respond.

her friend says that she really misses me and still loves me... .etc.  i told her friend that i cant be with her... .at least not right now... .but i feel guilty for not answering her calls.  her friend said that she my ex... .would really like to hear from me!

what do i do people?

i still love her... .but after reading all the BPD info and posts... .it seems that i shouldnt... .

ANY replies would be appreciated!

confused and still hurt.

[kj1234]

c o h,



Sounds like a tough situation.  How long were you with her?  Is she diagnosed BPD?

Having gone through some tough stuff myself, it sounds a little scary to me.

I am sure some others here can give you some good advice.  I hope it all works out well for you one way or another.

[crazyoverher]

well weve been together for 5 years... .i just figured her out that shes a BPD recently!  She has never been diagnosed.  But she has been on anti depressants.  and shes a big drinker... .not an alkie but she does drink every night. 

its tough cuz, after all these years, BPD explains her behavior all these years to me... .and now that i understand it all... .we are not together anymore. 

i started to get her out of my mind... .over these past 2 months but now, she's back in it... .and im having dreams of her.  i want to reach out... and just tell her "hello" but im afraid that she could go either way with that... .and i dont want to get back with her at this time.  maybe later... .but not now... .so you see where my delima is... .

any advice?

[O'Maria]

Adults don't change that easily and nobody should stay in a chaotic unhealthy relationship. I hate arguments and on/off break ups, its so childish and stupid and does not solve any problems. Also, nobody can raise healthy children in a family where parents fight all the time.

I don't know what you people call love. People who are sick cannot understand the concept of love the same way healthy individuals do.

Is she the only one on antidepressants or are you suffering from depression as well? Why do you dream of a person who is mean and abusive or do you think you have some issues that need to be taken care of, its not healthy for anybody to be a victim unless you like the drama.

[LeroyBrown]

If she indeed has BPD and is not committed to therapy, I would stay away brother. There is no winning by trying to wrestle with a mirage.



In solidarity,

LB

[crazyoverher]

no... .im not on any meds... .as for her... .she doesnt know that shes a BPD.  so, she's not getting any therapy.   i did tell her that she needed to go see a shrink for her depression but she says no, that the pills are good enough.

so... .you're advice is to keep up no contact? 

[LeroyBrown]

so... .you're advice is to keep up no contact? 

If I personally were in your shoes, yeah that's what I would do (knowing what I know now!). It's your life though brother. Do what you feel ready for.

[O'Maria]

I had to end my relationship with my boyfriend. The verbal abuse and nasty rejection got so bad that I couldnt take it. I left the house once thinking that he would kill me after he threatened to kill himself. It doesnt change, he apologized and promised everything but forgot about it when he came into another period of irritation and anger.

He told me to shut up many times a day and had a temper tantrum way too often. I knew it was not me and that I cannot cure somebody that irrational.

I started having problems focusing during the day and I couldnt sleep at night. Had no energy to take care of myself cause it was always about giving him all the attention. Talked to a therapist who made me realize that he is ill and may have more than one disease. The therapist said ":)o you really want to live like this?" and ":)o you get anything in return?". If not, its not a mutual love relationship. Its a big decision to leave when you still hope for something better but nobody can cure a partner who is ill. Only professional therapy for years may help.

[kly]

Dear Crazyoverher,

If you are seriously considering going back to her, please check out the "Staying" board.  There are links there to help you communicate with your BPSO. 

You have a long history with her, and obviously your feelings for her are still very deep.  Only you know what you will do.  But, you also know what life with her was like.  If you go back, what makes you think things will  be better? 

You can effect change in your life and in yourself.  You cannot change her.  She needs to do that.  If she is refusing therapy, then how can she improve?

I wish you well. 

[crazyoverher]

i know... .i dont know if things would be better except to say that im just hoping that they would be.  i know she's a good person underneath... .but im no therapist and i know i cant help her alone.  being with her... .is the hardest thing i could have ever done... .i guess i just want to know that if people out there think that i should just suck it up and walk away from her - if this is the best thing i could do.

regardless if i love her or not... .i have left her but staying away from her is another thing... .

any comments?

[lifeisgoodx10]

":)o you really want to live like this?" and ":)o you get anything in return?". If not, its not a mutual love relationship.

These are good questions to ask yourself especially, "What are you getting in return?" You stated that you do not want to get back together with her at this point. Why not stay NC for awhile and then reasess your feelings and thoughts. It'll give you time to clear your head of the FOG.

[crazyoverher]

excellent advice!  thats exactly what ill do for right now... .thank you for your input.  but what if she keeps trying to reach out to me? 

[jalk]

If you go back, prepare yourself for future break ups. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life?

[joe bfxlk]

"She drinks every night but is not an alkie."  I assume you mean that she is not drunk every day.

Seen this, believed that.  More than likely, she is an alkie.  Or, at the very least the only relationship you have or have known for a long time time is in the context of alcohol use.

This was eye-opening.  I challenged both of us to not drink for about 10 days, which included two weekends.  Several times.  We were both able to not drink during the time, so I guess that qualifies as "not alkie," at least by some substance abuse definitions.  However, the relationship was fundamentally different.

The intensity (which substituted for intimacy) was usually gone.  Sex?  Well, how do we get started without alcohol? The Other partner seemed especially bored, and I think found me not very interesting without an outside boost. Maybe that happened to me, too.  We both picked up on other interests a bit (her TV, me reading) which did not necessarily lead to increased interaction.  We both found new "third partners!"  I sensed an edginess when together during the no-alcohol days.

She was a much nicer person day-to-day, however.  Far fewer temper explosions and more predictability, also - even compared to the daily soberness that preceded evening alcohol use.

I think we both returned to drinking a bit when trying to have fun together because that was what was needed for the fun in this particular relationship.

[modernman]

i feel your pain.  alot of your situation rings true with me.

this board is great b/c we can realize we are not alone.

a trusted friend recently told me that I am divorcing my 'drinking buddy who is also a FWB.'

made sense.  we both drank more than the average person from the get go.  towards the end i let her know that since day one, we'd not had a sober week.  i offered to go two months w/o drinking with her to see how it went.  she did not want to try.

like others have said, gird yourself for crazy-times ahead if you choose to be reeled back in.  we've all been down that shi++y road.

good luck to you.  whatever you do, put yourself first and protect your soul.

[crazyoverher]

wow... .you all are right.  when i asked her that we dont need to drink to have fun... .we would stop but the dynamics were all wrong.  she seemed bored.  as for me, i was ok, but she wasnt. 

so maybe, she does have a problem.  but either way, i dont want to live my life or have a relationship with a woman who drinks all the time or who is BPD.  its just too much drama... .

i will just sit on the sidelines for awhile and see what she does... .how she reaches out. but i will remain no contact.

by the way, she told one of our mutual friends that:  SHE DOESNT WANT ME TO MOVE ON... .she can have all the fun she wants and sex with whomever she wants because we are broken up... .but as for me... .i am her "GO TO GUY"... .she knows and believes... that i will be there for her no matter what!

obviously, this has been true in the past but not anymore... .

[kly]

Crazyabout... .  She actually said that to a friend? 

So really, she's treating you like Linus' security blanket.  You are to remain inert until such time as SHE needs you.  How dehumanizing.

I sincerely wish better for you.   x

[rubyleegissing]

I can tell you what happened to me...

My ex broke up with me & cut me off completely for a few years (said it was the next girlfriend that made him cut ties with me), we then got back together a few years ago and now he has cut me off completely again.

I didn't know back then- what I know now. I didn't know about BPD and the re-engaging- I thought his ex girlfriend was evil, and that maybe I had done something to deserve the rough treatment.

I would try not to go back (if possible).

[unknown]

If you go back, prepare yourself for future break ups. Is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life?

[crazyoverher]

yeah... .she actually did say that to a friend... .i am her  "GO TO GUY"  when things get to be too rough for her... .   well, she did try to contact me like i mentioned, but i did not respond... .so i dont know if she still feels that way about me or not.  but, i do know that i didnt give her the satisfaction of my replying to her!   although, she probably still thinks that she can "get me back" at any time... .i feel guilty for  not contacting her when she reached out to me in pain but i just keep remebering how poorly she treated me.  im upset, hurt and guilty all at the same time!

 

[2010]

I think one of my favorite pages on this website has to do with leaving a BPD partner. I refer to it over and over again- but this paragraph always makes me think better and in particular, this one statement: it's a greater kindness that you step away

"You might want to stay to help your partner. Possibly to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”.

The fact is, you are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for your BPD partner - no matter how well intentioned.

Understand that you have become the trigger for your BPD partner's bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, you do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It's roots emanate from the deep central wounds of the disorder. You can't begin to answer to this.

You also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer?

More importantly, what does this suggest about your own survival instincts - you're injured, in ways you may not fully even grasp, and it's important to attend to your own wounds before you are capable of helping anyone else.

You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself - your own emotional survival.

If they try to lean on you, it's a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible."

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

[O'Maria]

Why am I the trigger to bad behavior and bad feelings? When all I do is help, really, with everything. It must be a very complex mechanism, does not make sense at all. 

I think people with this disease are so used to the drama, they get bored if things are just normal.

Youre right, I cannot cure him.

[Goose]

Why am I the trigger to bad behavior and bad feelings? When all I do is help, really, with everything. It must be a very complex mechanism, does not make sense at all.  

I think people with this disease are so used to the drama, they get bored if things are just normal.

Youre right, I cannot cure him.

I'll try and give you my thoughts about it.

Because, when you help with everything they don't have to help themselves, you're allready doing it for them and it fits them just fine. They do not have a reason to change when it's like this, they don't have to face the problem in themselves since WE keep trying to change ourselves to help them out. Through that we also confirm that they were right with what they were thinking about us (who would change himself if nothing was wrong with him? and since we now changed we confirm that we're the one in fault, just as the BP thought). They see themselves in us, it's easier to paint someone else black than see the devil in yourself, they can't face or even see who they are. Hope this makes some sense, else I hope someone else will explain better.

[Goose]

wops double

[O'Maria]

Youre right, when we Understand and Forgive they think they are right. And there will be no mutual solution or agreement.

Mine could argue forever, it was a constant war that he needed to win (I think he had some narcissistic traits too). If he didnt win right away he gave me the cold shoulder, ignorance or more nasty comments until I declared peace. I know its not normal to argue non-stop for a week when you see each other every day and live under the same roof. I once tried to win the war by sleeping single, thought he would miss me but noticed that he did not really need any physical comfort.

I think they disrespect you even more when they see youre defenseless. He once had me pick up after him saying that he would be willing to talk after the job was done. Then he said its not worth talking to me b/c I am stubborn. That was really humiliating, I cleaned the floor from broken glass (his anger outburst the night before).

 

[crazyoverher]

yeah... .i can relate... .it seems that she would have less respect for me the more i showed her or told her how much i loved her.  she would say awful things to me and i would let her, telling myself that she's just mad for the moment but what this was doing was hurting my self esteem... .i hate that i have to go NO contact with her... .and that i cant reach out to her, she is such a loving person when she wants to be.  But, i really dont see any other choice i have but to let her be.

today i found out that she was going to party hard tonight and tomorrow while i am staying home with my kids.  i dont envy her but i do remember how much fun it was to be out on the town with her... .she is so attractive.  but, deep down, i feel that she doesnt know how to just be  a homebody if that makes sense... .the drama she creates is what keeps her going!

[kj1234]

Also, maybe she/he saw you as the savior when you got together.  All that hope and the wonderful way they have of cutting off and forgetting the past, now that they have a new savior in a new relationship.  After a while they find they cannot escape all the bad feelings and cannot face that they are coming from inside.  The saving failed, so it must be your fault and how horrible you are for fooling them in the beginning and pretending you were something you are not.  Of course, you never really pretended to be.  It was her/him painting a fantasy on your being and ignoring who you really might be.  Sure, you fit well enough that they can paint all this on you in the beginning without severe contradictions, but when it all turns out to be anything less than miraculous, it is your fault.  In my case she did not go full force with the brutal devaluation until she had a new victim in place, or so she thought.  Who knows the truth.  Amazing that a woman who has been on this earth so many years still thinks because a man slips her the bone it must be true love.  But she does make it hard to turn her away, in the beginning.

[LeroyBrown]

by the way, she told one of our mutual friends that:  SHE DOESNT WANT ME TO MOVE ON... .she can have all the fun she wants and sex with whomever she wants because we are broken up... .but as for me... .i am her "GO TO GUY"... .she knows and believes... that i will be there for her no matter what!

Same here, brother. Here's a link to when I wrote on that: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111306.msg1093304#msg1093304

She will use the "we aren't/weren't together" in her favor - the millisecond you try to throw that out, it will be shoved back up your ass so fast and so hard you will think you just ate the worst LSD on the planet. In essence, it's futile to communicate with a pwBPD. This sounds sick I know, but I tend to think of pwBPD like robots that are pre-programmed to act a certain way no matter what - empathy and compassion are note part of their programming.

In solidarity,

LB

[crazyoverher]

thanks leroybrown... .ill go check out your link!