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Author Topic: Anyone every contemplate warning the BPD's next victim?  (Read 7809 times)
VanessaG
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« on: February 25, 2010, 11:17:58 AM »

I tend to ruminate on the xBPDp while I'm driving.  Too much idle time, for sure, and I had a 7.5 work trip yesterday.

As I was driving, it occurred to me that I could print one of the BPD articles from the website, thinking specifically of the one about love relationships with a BPD and send it to my ex's newest squeeze or current victim.

Of course I also ruminated about my motivations.

Am I trying to rescue her?  Am I trying to punish the ex?  Am I just dying to be RIGHT and having someone else acknowledge it?  Is this good will?  Or is it just a way of staying somehow hooked in and involved?

It is something I could and would do absolutely anonymously.  I have her name and work address and could simply send it with no return address from a random post office with a post-it saying "FYI."  There are enough people, even within his own family, who know he is unstable that I don't think anyone would think it was me.  (I don't even think the new woman knows about me.)

Anyone done it?  Thought about it?

I don't think I'll do it, but it got me thinking about whether anyone else here had.

VanessaG
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atwittsend
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« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2010, 11:20:11 AM »

this has been asked quite a few times.  the general consensus seems to be... .would you have listened to a warning?  most of us say we wouldnt have.  so it seems we would be regarded as jealous or bitter and therefore ignored. 
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anker
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« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2010, 11:22:44 AM »

I know that I was fully convinced by my BPDx that his ex was psychotic and had cheated on him and lied... .that she wanted him and was crazy... .

So I wouldn't have believed a word of it. His BPD diagnosis saved me a lot of agony and wondering who was the crazy one... .but if I'd been warned I wouldn't have listened.

And I know that he has convinced her of the same about me so I wouldn't warn her. It wouldn't do any good... .just validate his claims that I'm messed up.

Ya dig?
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VanessaG
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« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2010, 11:26:17 AM »

Damn, I think I would have listened, certainly after the honeymoon phase was over.  

Like I said, I don't think I'll do it, but trust me when I say that there are a number of people (none of the others having a jealousy motivation for sending it) who would likely be considered the sender, and not me.

The other thing, strangely, is that the new squeeze is in the mental health field, although in an entirely different area of dysfunction, alcoholism.  Well, and  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) he is also an alcoholic.   (I was thinking that getting an article about mental health at the office therefore wouldn't be all that bizarre.)

Well, thinking as I type here, perhaps it is safe to say that she has a healthy case of denial and wouldn't want to know.

But interesting to hear that it has been discussed before and that the veterans say "nah, don't bother."
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committed
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« Reply #4 on: February 25, 2010, 11:37:18 AM »

I don't think it would have done any good in my case. I'm one of those people who has to decide those things on my own, not know the dynamics of my BF's past relationships with others.

Not trying to hijack the thread, but another question along the same lines... .Have any of you been in contact with you partner's ex and did they tell you they went through the same thing you are going through? I've been tempted to contact one of my BF's ex just to see what happened in their relationship, but am scared it would get back to him.
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VanessaG
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« Reply #5 on: February 25, 2010, 11:41:46 AM »

It may not matter for the sake of this discussion, but I don't think the new victim knows I existed.

You see, BPDp and I were both married.  We had an emotional affair.  He was looking, I am sure now, for an exit affair.  Me, I am another case, because I am married to a guy with a different PD, and was in an extremely vulnerable spot.  Not so vulnerable that I didn't figure out the BPDp was not the answer to my problems, or a reason to get a divorce, and I did start to detach, and that was when he found an old flame on Facebook (damned FB!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) and had met with her within two days of meeting with me for the last time.

She was his ticket out of his marriage.  He separated almost immediately after having her hooked.  I am pretty darned sure he didn't tell her about me, at least not about the extent to which we were involved.  (I mean, do you tell someone you're a serial philanderer?)  My guess is that in the thick of his divorce, he was busy painting his stbxW black.  Oh yeah, and the new victim was ALSO married, is also divorcing.  They moved in with each other almost immediately.

I see what pain I was in and how I was taken in and wonder if she was/is in a similar boat.

I dunno, maybe it's a match made in heaven.  Maybe she'd have already seen it if she wanted to see it.

Not my job to save the world.  Not my problem, right?

Just ruminating, I guess.

VanessaG
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atwittsend
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« Reply #6 on: February 25, 2010, 11:43:46 AM »

that has been discussed as well committed.  the consensus there seems to be the exes had the same experience and it makes the non asking feel validated. 

me personally I have spoken with two of my exes exes.  one of them wanted her back but didnt bad mouth her.  the other one said she was the devil and I needed to get away
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VanessaG
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« Reply #7 on: February 25, 2010, 11:44:22 AM »

I am absolutely CONFIDENT that my BPD's ex-wife suffered the jealousy and the controlling and the rages and the clinginess.

No question in my mind, both from things I witnessed and heard, and things which I can now put together in retrospect.

I think him leaving was probably the best thing that has ever happened to her.

I know she knows he's an alcoholic;  I don't think she knows about BPD.  He's undiagnosed, refuses to seek help, although I begged him to at one point.

I figure she doesn't need warned, for the record.  She's rid of him.
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« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2010, 11:50:59 AM »

I am not sure i would have listened , then. Now, I would look into it, aftert having researched this stuff.

But, I do think it would have been helpful to me to hear from an ex after i was entrencehed. It may have helped me see what I was dealing with. I think I would have been open to hearing about her disorder after a sufficient amount of abuse had occurred.

In both my marriages, both where my XW's serially cheated, I was approached by their family members who were witnessing the abuse and cheating. I was advised to get out and that they had done this type of thing before. I was told their problems were longstanding and had nothing to do with anything I was doing wrong.

I was really fortunate to have had that type of support, as it quelled a fair amout of the self doubt.
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« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2010, 11:53:21 AM »

I'm with the consensus here.

As he so often does, AWE has summed up everything quite concisely and with 100% accuracy. 

One of the most important lessons in life I ever learned is that one should never try to disclose/explain/discuss something to/with someone who won't have the slightest idea of what you're talking about.  Although you have offered the option of a an anonymous letter, at best it would be a waste of time.  And at worst, they could guess you might have been the source and this might trigger a smear campaign, or aggravate an existing one.

Spend your energy on taking care of yourself (a concept which, to this day, I'm STILL not sure I fully grasp, but it DOES sound good  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) ).  I used to say that one knows s/he is healed when s/he no longer cares at all about the ex.

I've come to revise that.  I still care about the fate of my ex and her son (which does, unfortunately, leave me somewhat vulnerable) but the significant difference is that I no longer feel any sense of connection to her.  The elimination of that sense eliminates the possibility of FOG.  And that is a crucial difference.
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atwittsend
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« Reply #10 on: February 25, 2010, 11:55:25 AM »

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  love ya love your show guys!
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« Reply #11 on: February 25, 2010, 11:56:14 AM »

I did actually.  Wrote a very tactful, kind, "short and sweet" email.  Not getting into her business or letting her into mine... and I didn't ever say BPD.  I did this because she has a child.  Somehow that really bothered me that a child would be subjected to this disorder, and from another country to boot.  I can hear the fights now... ."You don't treat me right and I'll have you deported!"  I know him, it's bound to happen.  He's such a mean, spoiled, obnoxious, BPD/NPD 50-something brat.  But can be charming and seductive as all get out... .then bam!

Anyway I wrote this short email before I even knew they actually hooked up.  I just knew of her... .it was a polite warning with no accusations.  She never responded, now they're engaged, madly in love and making googly eyes at each other.  She's a rebound, just out of a bad marriage herself and my ex is a nut.  What are the odds?  

I don't regret it, I said nothing inappropriate, and even mentioned in the email if one of his ex's had told me, I might not have taken it to heart... .It's hard to during the seductive honeymoon phase, and even in the clingy/needy phase... .though during and after the hater/jealous/controlling phase, yes I wished they had warned me.  Because of the kid... .I felt it was the right thing to do.  He's painted me black, she believes it, whatever.  I did it, I'm done, it's up to her.  I'm out of it.
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« Reply #12 on: February 25, 2010, 12:00:21 PM »

My H contacted his BPDex's boyfriend when they were about to buy a house together to warn him.    (We had met him a couple of times and he and his kids were very nice).  

He at the time agreed that she had difficulty telling the truth, was always angry and something was off. I think he realized my H wasn't the monster she had potrayed him to be. They briefly broke up over it but got back together for another 6 or 7 months then broke up for good.  


Now she (of course) has a new victim who's also about to move in. But this time he's not going to say a word.  He told me, "I can't save them all".  
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VanessaG
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« Reply #13 on: February 25, 2010, 12:07:30 PM »

Thank you, everyone.

I will keep my postage and not do it.  Whoever said there was a chance it COULD get connected to me was right.  And I cannot afford that exposure.

Excerpt
Spend your energy on taking care of yourself (a concept which, to this day, I'm STILL not sure I fully grasp, but it DOES sound good   ).  I used to say that one knows s/he is healed when s/he no longer cares at all about the ex.

Oh, I am soo looking forward to that day!   Being cool (click to insert in post)

And yes, indeedy, doing the homework on myself too.  Including WHY I would spend a good chunk of yesterday's drive wasting my time thinking about HIM.   
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NewStart
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« Reply #14 on: February 25, 2010, 12:32:44 PM »

VanessaG - I think we all have felt that urge but I think you shine a light on something in your post... .yes maybe all the motives you mention are true and were for me as well but I really identified with "Am I just dying to be RIGHT and have someone else acknowlege it"... .

I saw uBPDexgf with new host organism last night and got that terrible gnawing again... .what if this one works out... .yeah I want to be RIGHT more than anyone can understand, and want others to see it too... .

Be strong and put that idea to rest and trust that time will give us all the answers to those gnawing questions... .
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VanessaG
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« Reply #15 on: February 25, 2010, 12:41:41 PM »

Excerpt
I saw uBPDexgf with new host organism last night and got that terrible gnawing again... .what if this one works out... .yeah I want to be RIGHT more than anyone can understand, and want others to see it too... .

NewStart, oh yeah, I am introspective enough to know that much about me.   Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)   A profound need to be right.     I also think it's one of the reasons this thing gnaws at me so.  It was left with so very little closure.  No parting of ways with any mutual understanding.  Him, crazy, me thinking I'm crazy, me wondering why I'm grieving an emotionally abusive relationship, and the inability to make sense of what was real, what wasn't, how it happened to me, how farked up the rest of his existence will be -- all of it.  I cannot put this jigsaw puzzle together, and I am a solver of problems by nature.  I like the edges all neat and the corners square and everything UNDERSTOOD.

I had a rather rocky childhood, but for some reason, I've managed to sort it all out, and analyze in almost a detached way.  Some painful stuff, but I can look at it as though I'm an outsider.  This, not so much.

I read the Staying board one day (which I can tell you I find rather depressing -- I find myself wanting to scream "Run, run away!" and I pondered, hmmmm, maybe the new girlfriend CAN do all of this stuff.  Maybe she is and he's thriving and they really are happy.

Do I believe it?  No, not really. 

But it gives my overactive brain something to chew on. 

I have good days and bad days with detaching from it.  The last two or three, with all the driving, not so good.

VanessaG
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NewStart
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« Reply #16 on: February 25, 2010, 01:00:31 PM »

VanessaG - Wow, couldn't have said it better myself... .I'm on a pretty similar plain as you right now... .
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Hannahbanana
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« Reply #17 on: February 25, 2010, 01:02:24 PM »

I would not have listened, not because i would have thought the ex was not telling the truth, but because i guess i think different people bring out different things in people.  I would have just thought they didn't get on as a couple and the ex is being a little bitter, i would not have thought in a million years that the ex was trying to warn me for my benefit.

I spoke to my ex's ex and she said "i don't think he is ready for any type of relationship, he can't handle the normal ups and downs of relationships, takes everything very directly and personally and ultimately blames the other person.  I guess he called me a weirdo to you"  This was without me saying a single word about what he was putting me through or how i felt about him... .all from her own back catalogue.

Just know that no matter who they are with, they will find out everything on their own and more than likely, the relationship will fail sooner thasn you can say BPD.
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kly
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« Reply #18 on: February 25, 2010, 01:52:07 PM »

I say "it depends."

His sister cautioned me to move slowly with him, but she did not say, "He has a history of unstable relationships, he's left a trail of heartbroken children, he's a serial philanderer... ."  If she had, I would have taken the red flags much more seriously and would have run.

When the final bushel of straws hit--I discovered an entire alternate life he'd been leading, and found that he'd had a thing with another gal simultaneously with me--I dumped him. THEN his sister revealed his history.   

Try not to be too hard on yourself for having nagging thoughts of your BPex.  I ended up here because I wanted to understand my own failings, WHY I'd gotten involved with him in the first place, and WHY I ignored the red flags.  I think contemplation is necessary to process the trauma, learn from the relationship and grow.

As for "How" or "Whether" -- the "other gal" with whom BP was involved knew about me from the beginning and proceeded to stake a claim to him.  Obviously, anyone who feels a need to compete for a man's affections can't be warned.  But, I did contact a gal who'd posted to his social networking site and let her know--without too many specifics--that he was engaging in risky sexual behavior with multiple partners.  She was very sweet and thanked me.  If I knew of an unsuspecting mom, I'd anonymously warn her, as he targets women with young children and he has a violent side.  (Having said that, I'm not looking to be involved in his life in any way--and carefully avoid ANY contact in ANY form.)
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NoWonder

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« Reply #19 on: February 25, 2010, 01:55:24 PM »

   My friend knew 2 of the guys my ex dated... .he said "She's a bit crazy."  I also heard stories from other people... .I didn't listen .  Of course I didn't know what BPD was and jumped right in. After I broke up with her my friend said " man, I wanted to tell you to run like hell  , but figured you were a grown man and can make your own decisions ."

              I won't say anything to the next one ... .

                                  take care.
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« Reply #20 on: February 25, 2010, 04:02:55 PM »

Back in the honeymoon phase, my ex told me that her previous ex had physically shaken her, and screamed "what the hell is wrong with you?"  I thought it was because he was the controlling, abusive hit_ she had described him to be.  I hated him for it.  How dare he take her for granted?  How dare he not realize how wonderful she is?

Fast-forward things a year, and I could relate with the guy 100%. 

Generally speaking, warnings will do no good, as no one will believe them.  A new victim truly believes that he or she just found their soulmate.  They think anyone who can't see that is either blind or jealous.   
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Stargirl
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« Reply #21 on: February 25, 2010, 04:45:04 PM »

I got warned by the sister of the ex with whom my unBPDexbf has kids and they where togheter a long time ago. I heard som stories from my ex about the relationship, about his ex and about her family. He told me that the ex had gotten a pshycosis Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  ... and that her family did blame him for it Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  but that he had understood over the years that he was a guy that was beeing too nice and that he had learnt that when someone is saiyng bad things about you they were talking about themselves... I don´t remember exactly how he put it but that was like the mening of it, and Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  and   . I don´t remember how much he had said at the time the sister warned me but we had only been together for like a month, a month and a half. She said to me that he was a strange person, that everything would be fine in the beginning with all the kisses and "love you" but then... .And she told me to "trust my gutfeeling"... .And then she didn´t want to say anything more about it dispite that I asked. The thing is that I, like so many of us, saw a lot of red flags, I saw them already from week one and I ended it after that week, but he had already gotten under my skin a bit, and I wanted to at least give it a try and see how it would evolve (and here I am!  ;p ). Anyway, it was after we started dating again that I got warned by her. I was with my ex for one year before I ended it with him, for good. I never threw away all thoose red flags, I kept them while I also got more and more attached to him, but it was as I always had one little part of me outside the relationship (even if it was only a fingertip from time to time), and I think that that helped me to get out in the end and to not go back when I finally had ended it. I never told my bf what the ex´s sister had said, not until the bitter end at the time when I was deciding what to do and we had serious talks. His response was that she had never liked him, that she was intriguing, and that he was surprised that she was still trying to do things like this. Well, what I wanted to say was that the things that she said to me, even if it didn´t make me end it then and there, was one of the things that I carried with me and that did help thinking about when deciding what to do and to stay out afterwards. But I wouldn´t recomend anyone to warn the new victims, they will find out in time and we need to think about ourselves here to not stay attached and to stay out, it´s a bit too risky with the warning thing I think. But I really would love to make big warningposters with his picture on them and the thruth underneath and put them up all over town!
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Fathom
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« Reply #22 on: February 25, 2010, 04:53:42 PM »

Ha, being that the next victim was going to be the man she had been having an EA/PA with for the past 9 months... .ahhh... .no.
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rosebud
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« Reply #23 on: February 25, 2010, 05:23:40 PM »

Ha, being that the next victim was going to be the man she had been having an EA/PA with for the past 9 months... .ahhh... .no.

What is an EA/PA?

(racking my little brain)
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Butterfly03
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« Reply #24 on: February 25, 2010, 05:27:02 PM »

Geez... .this is something that has been on my mind for a while.

My exBPDbf quickly moved on to a single mother of two boys. I was still in contact with him only up to a couple of days ago and the way he was already treating her was unbelievable. I went to his place last week to collect the last couple of my things from his place and the new girlfriend rang. I found out that he had lied to her about his where abouts - he made out he was at work and while he was on the phone was making sexual gestures towards me. I know as a fact the he has already cheated on her and he disclosed to me that he doesn't love her she is "someone handy to have cause she lives close to my work. She gives me a roof over my head and a free feed" i was horrified with his way of thinking what love is. After discussing the thought of warning his new girl with my girlfriend i just decided that she needs to learn on her own besides what is he telling her about me? I might be the crazy ex girlfriend according to him. I say just let it be. There true colours come out in time. I know as sad as it is that my exBPDbf will end up a lonely old man but I can't afford to care anymore I tried to help as much as I could and I ended up sick... .

So I say just let it be. Don't do it. Worry bout yourself, your health, your life and get yourself back on the right track.  

Sending you love and support x

Butterfly

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kly
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« Reply #25 on: February 26, 2010, 02:42:57 AM »

Perhaps the gal I warned from the social networking site thought me credible as he'd left photos of me posted all over the site--one of which showed the date; coincidentally the same day he'd contacted her!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) 

DOH!

I think Stargirl makes a good point.  Even if the new victim doesn't act on the advice immediately--it helps to raise awareness of red flags that pop up later.  I was not a dewy, young naif when I met the BP, but as I'm open to people who are quirky and pretty forgiving of oddities, a lot of BP things didn't compute as Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  for me.  I wrote them off as idiosyncracies or related to his ADHD.

There was another time, I was dating a guy who was new in town.  My girlfriend, whose husband happened to work with him, pointedly (but in a casual way) mentioned that he'd been sharing pictures of a female "friend" at work--and they weren't pics of me!  Apparently, other people knew, but she was the only one to tell me. I dumped him immediately--he ended up moving back home and marrying his friend (too bad for her.)  But, it would have been nice to have received some sort of warning earlier.

I'd be willing to bet that a lot of BPs have left a paper trail or cyber trail that would speak volumes about the BP if someone were to just happen to find out about them.  I'm not giving advice, I'm just saying... .
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« Reply #26 on: February 26, 2010, 05:30:41 AM »

I really get annoyed with my BPDs ex and to some extent family, I always feel I wasn't properly warned but then, I was so smitten, there is not much I would have listened to. Im pretty sure the next beau will feel the same way, the honeymoon period is intoxicating, there would be little I could say to him/her that didn't come off looking jerky, especially as I'll already be painted black and if it's anywhere close to the degree she painted her ex black to me, he'd probably be gearing up to slap me, let alone take my advice.

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« Reply #27 on: February 26, 2010, 09:50:52 AM »

When my ex was speaking to me last week, i asked him if his new gf was aware of him speaking with me again.  He replied "Yes, we tell each other everything and she didn't say a bad word about you and neither did i" Now if any other person said this to me, i would have replied "and why would she, she neithers knows me or has any reason to say anything bad about me... and neither do you"  However, my innate reaction was replaced with one of something i can only describe as a "nothing response" My logical mind instantly stopped me reacting to something that is actually quite an odd thing to say to someone.  I'm assuming it's due to me accepting he is mentally ill and has his own version of events, he's so sure he has convinced me enough to think they actually occurred, that saying things like this to me is justified and normal.

So, my point is, when he told me about his ex's when we first met, my reaction was also to say nothing bad about them and on one hand i thought, they must be crazy girls he has dated.  On the other hand, it did cross my mind that if he was willing to say all of these things about his ex's, what might he say about me if it does not work out.  Then i pushed it aside and thought nothing of it, because he was 100% wooing me and any negative thoughts i had were quickly shrouded over with gifts and cuddles and beautiful words from him.  No matter what you say to the newbie, they will make their own assumptions about you and if it is bad, they will soon change their opinion over time, if they have half a brain.
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NewStart
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« Reply #28 on: February 26, 2010, 10:40:32 AM »

Sorry turtlesoup but I lmao with the 'he'd probably be gearing up to slap me, let alone take my advice' comment... .and the only reason I'm laughing is that I can totally relate as I wanted to slap a few of my BPDex's exs after she painted them to me too! 

Funny thing is now I see these dudes and I wonder who they REALLY are!
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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #29 on: February 26, 2010, 11:03:13 AM »

I was warned by my stbx wife.  The BPD's ex husband of 10 years told her, it will only last 6-8 months and she'll move on.  He said something to the "effect 10 years 10 guys".  He has been with the same woman since they divorced. 

My BPDex even told me she can't keep a relationship going.  She told me her son once said "Mommy, how come no one ever stays with us?"   

I didn't listen. I thought, I'm different, I'm a great guy, she needs me.
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