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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Anyone every contemplate warning the BPD's next victim?  (Read 7807 times)
turtlesoup
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« Reply #30 on: February 26, 2010, 11:22:43 AM »

Sorry turtlesoup but I lmao with the 'he'd probably be gearing up to slap me, let alone take my advice' comment... .and the only reason I'm laughing is that I can totally relate as I wanted to slap a few of my BPDex's exs after she painted them to me too! 

Funny thing is now I see these dudes and I wonder who they REALLY are!

Serious! There was this one ex, the one whose foot she broke, well I knew of this person before anyway and never really like them, BUT, despite this, and the painting black, I would now give this poor guy a medal if I ever met him. I only had nutbag for 2 years, he had her for 4, what was once my real dislike of him has turned into sympathy and empathy. Poor bloke, he only finally got over this and now has a new partner, one of the re-engages my ex sent to him was "oh i hear you have a new girlfirend, apparently she is ugly but better for you than me". He moved continents and she still jibes at him.

What a moose.
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« Reply #31 on: February 26, 2010, 05:07:20 PM »

You could have a second career warning the new targets. Depending on the age of your ex, that could mean 30 to 40 people.

Hopefully, after the first, you'll see that the impulse to "warn" anyone is really our own subconscious mind trying to warn your conscious mind.  It's sort of a post traumatic stress that's re-lived for the purpose of shedding it off and healing.  To make sense of it, the subconscious mind repeats the experience over and over again. We react in a particular way to a particular situation depending upon whats in our subconscious mind.  When we've been damaged or had trauma in our relationships- we become aware of the bad feelings. The bad feelings are raised to our conscious mind- and our conscious mind forms our character.

So as a response to the bad, awful, horrible things we've suffered- we make ourselves good, our character good- and the BPD partner bad. And when we see the next target- we make them good too.  We project our image onto the next target to feel a sense of good about ourselves, a sense of kinship and shared suffering.

But the reality is that not every new target is good and not every BPD partner is evil. There's a whole lot of gray out there. Some people are acting quite badly, and they may deserve everything that's coming to them, but hopefully it's along the lines of a lesson learned and because of two people, not three.

Let them have the same journey to hell and back that they will survive so that they will come out a better person.  If you block this process- they wont have had that chance. Most of us on this journey needed a wake-up call.

In time, you'll let go of the compulsion to warn and realize the new target/relationship is on their own path to destruction, meltdown, and despair and deserves privacy. If they choose to contact you after the break-up- it is your decision to get involved and offer your confidence- but never before.

In time, you'll want him so far out of your life that you may even deny ever having anything to do with him.

When you see the past victims on the trail of tears- acceptance kicks in-that you weren't the first traumatized person. Stop, take a look back and see who the victim was before you. What do you think about them? You've probably been led to believe that they were/are bad, not good like you. That's because the BPDex wanted you to think that way. And that's how you are now being distorted to the new target. After all, the new target thinks of herself as good and the ex as bad-just like you did. 

If you're going to talk to anyone, talk to the former victim that you perceived as bad.  If you do, you'll soon realize that they were actually people who tried in whatever way they could to love. Realize that we were all a part of a crazy-making factory- just a necessary human beings split into good/bad for the BPD process- and what you get back when you get spit out of the machine is your own life, a new mirror to see yourself through and a new start.

(Hope the good/bad makes sense.) Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)


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turtlesoup
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« Reply #32 on: February 26, 2010, 05:22:02 PM »

It makes total sense. I was told the ex was terrible but putting it all together of course they were not. I wouldn't contact the ex though, he still gets re-engaged, he has moved on, got a new gf, got a new life and I would hate to stir up in him what has been stirred up in me. However, should the next love come to me, I like to think I could give them the advice they need, but as per my last post, things would have to have gone pretty bad and they will have to realised that Im not the villain of the piece. As soon as they know that much, one foot is out the door anyway either by choice or slung out by the BPDer. They dont like it when they know you're onto em.
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NewStart
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« Reply #33 on: February 26, 2010, 05:40:44 PM »

Did anyone else experience prior victims that never moved on?  My BPDexgf's ex's were either black and gone out of the picture or there were these two hang around guys that she still used the hell out of all the time when she needed someone or something, I always felt bad for these guys as it was so obvious she was using the hell out of them and that they seemed quite broken... . 
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #34 on: February 26, 2010, 05:46:05 PM »

Did anyone else experience prior victims that never moved on?  My BPDexgf's ex's were either black and gone out of the picture or there were these two hang around guys that she still used the hell out of all the time when she needed someone or something, I always felt bad for these guys as it was so obvious she was using the hell out of them and that they seemed quite broken... . 

One. He was onto her pretty quick and thinks that she needs help (as we all do) but really pushed for it and was involved in her sectioning. What this meant was he was painted Jet Black but hasn't actually seen her rages like I have, they had the honeymoon, she started acting strange, he had her pegged very early on and tried to "help", I dont think he realises exactly what her problem is and he probably thinks he can help her.
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NewStart
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« Reply #35 on: February 26, 2010, 05:57:32 PM »

ts - mine was high functioning and she was/is a licensed and practicing counselor too so she would diagnose you and before you knew it you were 'in need of help' so I can see why some of these guys never saw it!  She had a diagnosis for all of her ex's it was nuts.  From he NPD ex-husband, to her abusive ex, to her ex that had anger management issues, to me who had ADD?  For me it wasn't till after the relationship when I went to a T to figure out what happened that he clued me in to what REALLY happened, BPD... .

So guys that were painted black were the ones who had her figured out and the hang around guys, well it's sad but I think they bought her diagnosis and felt like it was their fault etc.   

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turtlesoup
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« Reply #36 on: February 26, 2010, 06:05:48 PM »

It makes perfect sense for high functioning BPD to go into a profession like that.

And yes, that makes it seem all the more orchestrated. Mine was in law before they kicked her out for some very bonkers behaviour. I have a feeling mine has BPD coupled with something that also produces mania, could be bipolar. Double whammy!

Unless any of you have seen your exBPDers talk to the walls for hours or end, strip off naked in public, hallucinate? I don't know if thats part of BPD but I haven't read it here, but the more the weeks pass by, the less I really care what her diagnosis is.

It seems the case, as soon as you come close to finding out what the issue is or are looking likely to leave you simply go black. On another level, I do find it amazing that with a mental illness the behaviours are so close together, almost textbook, perhaps this is true of other mental illness' its just that Im not that well informed.
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« Reply #37 on: February 26, 2010, 07:13:09 PM »

Excerpt
I do find it amazing that with a mental illness the behaviours are so close together, almost textbook

You're right. The cluster groupings are a way to determine how people use others to their detriment.  On one end of the scale are the torturers and on the other end is /are the tortured.  Mental health depends on our willingness to see where we are on the scale.  I do believe that I suffered so I could see the symbiotic for what it was- a recreation of childhood dynamic. That woke me up -I was my own worst enemy for coming back for more and trying to make things right.

Seeing others also go through this made me realize that I wasn't alone.
Excerpt
Did anyone else experience prior victims that never moved on?

Oh yes, I uncovered one victim that has been pushed/pulled for nearly 35 years *and* she was a clinical psychologist.  She was in the background for his first marriage as well. I discovered that she had moved across the country twice for him even after he was so psychologically abusive. I do believe she is hooked. The knowledge of that set me scared straight and I didn't want to be like her.

I must remind anyone who is in a relationship with a cluster B personality, that people are the most useful objects to them. You could be married to them and they may still be having a long distance romance with objects from the past.  The disorder is known for it: push/pull- use people to stop feelings of abandonment- get them in your back pocket-feel overwhelmed and engulfed- push away- punish. Repeat as necessary.

Success is improbable.

Seeing a person who cannot get away does not mean that their love is greater- it just means they are trauma bonded and cant break away. Usually this happens when one person uses another for a substitute parent to re-work a childhood pain.

If you dont get away clean- your emails, letter, texts, etc. will be read by the next target. In effect, you will become just like a person that hasn't moved on. Remember that the next time you want to break contact. If you break contact, you will be recycled- not always on your schedule-not now- but maybe in six months, one year, a decade- but always when you least expect it. -And always when you have just about recovered from the trauma.
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Busybee
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« Reply #38 on: February 26, 2010, 07:27:58 PM »

I HAVE done it, though my situation is a little different from others. I was dealing with a BP in a work/friendship context (the full story is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=104781.0). Since that business relationship has ended, he has occasionally approached my connections to try to hustle free work out of them. That's his specialty -- getting people to work for "experience" or product. I've told these people that I don't agree with working for free, would never ask them to do so personally and that they should never think anyone who asks that of them is doing so with my approval. Sometimes I've just stated that generally and let them draw their own conclusions. One time I had to say it very specifically. In a work situation, it seems people often listen to the warning. Especially those who thought they were doing ME some kind of favor by working with him.

Just from my personal experience, I do agree with KLY who says "Even if the new victim doesn't act on the advice immediately--it helps to raise awareness of red flags that pop up later. " My BP once introduced me to a woman who used to work with him who said in front of him "X is not a good friend." He agreed! She then asked him, "If you have self-awareness, why don't you change?" He couldn't answer of course. Even though I didn't have the good sense to cut my ties to him after that and prevent a lot of suffering, I ALWAYS remembered what she said and it helped me keep my sanity. I knew I wasn't the only one who had a bad time with him. I got in touch with her after I ended the business relationship and thanked her!
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C12P21
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« Reply #39 on: February 26, 2010, 07:48:26 PM »

Excerpt
am absolutely CONFIDENT that my BPD's ex-wife suffered the jealousy and the controlling and the rages and the clinginess.

I am reading a book titled "Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men". One of the chapters discusses the reactions of women who are emotionally abused by very controlling men who are not prone to physical violence but gas lighting. Often times the women will act out in the very behaviors posted by your quote. These behaviors are soothing to the controllers ego, he got one over on her and can play victim to her behavior.

I was not warned by anyone about my ex-but had I LISTENED to the family stories about the ex-wife I might have gleaned insight about WHY she acted like she did. I am tempted at times to send this book to the future victims but then I would be still acting out due to his behavior.

I have to let it go. His latest victim dumped him in a few weeks, I suspect she saw him more frequently and got a clue as she worked with him.

As to the rest we are in no contact so I will never know who he is seeing and have no care to know.
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jalk
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« Reply #40 on: February 26, 2010, 10:10:10 PM »

Yes, I thought about warning her new victim but then took a step back and realized that I would not warn Smokey... .I don't like Smokey. Why should I give ole Smokes a warning. I would rather see that fat head deflate after my ex gets done with this one. Well, take care and have a good evening,
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eeyore
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« Reply #41 on: February 26, 2010, 10:27:02 PM »

Excerpt
I do find it amazing that with a mental illness the behaviours are so close together, almost textbook

You're right. The cluster groupings are a way to determine how people use others to their detriment.  On one end of the scale are the torturers and on the other end is /are the tortured.  Mental health depends on our willingness to see where we are on the scale.  I do believe that I suffered so I could see the symbiotic for what it was- a recreation of childhood dynamic. That woke me up -I was my own worst enemy for coming back for more and trying to make things right.

Seeing others also go through this made me realize that I wasn't alone.
Excerpt
Did anyone else experience prior victims that never moved on?

Oh yes, I uncovered one victim that has been pushed/pulled for nearly 35 years *and* she was a clinical psychologist.  She was in the background for his first marriage as well. I discovered that she had moved across the country twice for him even after he was so psychologically abusive. I do believe she is hooked. The knowledge of that set me scared straight and I didn't want to be like her.

I must remind anyone who is in a relationship with a cluster B personality, that people are the most useful objects to them. You could be married to them and they may still be having a long distance romance with objects from the past.  The disorder is known for it: push/pull- use people to stop feelings of abandonment- get them in your back pocket-feel overwhelmed and engulfed- push away- punish. Repeat as necessary.

Success is improbable.

Seeing a person who cannot get away does not mean that their love is greater- it just means they are trauma bonded and cant break away. Usually this happens when one person uses another for a substitute parent to re-work a childhood pain.

If you dont get away clean- your emails, letter, texts, etc. will be read by the next target. In effect, you will become just like a person that hasn't moved on. Remember that the next time you want to break contact. If you break contact, you will be recycled- not always on your schedule-not now- but maybe in six months, one year, a decade- but always when you least expect it. -And always when you have just about recovered from the trauma.

how do you know this?
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« Reply #42 on: February 27, 2010, 03:45:26 AM »

Excerpt
how do you know this?

Sorry, which part?
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eeyore
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« Reply #43 on: February 27, 2010, 09:15:23 AM »

Excerpt
how do you know this?

Sorry, which part?

all of it.  it's like you are a therapist yourself.
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C12P21
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« Reply #44 on: February 27, 2010, 04:27:21 PM »

Excerpt
Yes, I thought about warning her new victim but then took a step back and realized that I would not warn Smokey... .I don't like Smokey. Why should I give ole Smokes a warning. I would rather see that fat head deflate after my ex gets done with this one.

Jalk, I am laughing at this one. You are too funny! Thanks for the pick me up.

C
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« Reply #45 on: February 27, 2010, 06:46:35 PM »

I thought of doing exactly the same thing.  I was going to mail my uBPDh's girlfriend some information anonymously about BPD.  Then, I remembered that she knew that she was getting involved with a married man and for that I decided that she deserved to find out what he was all about the hard way - after she is thoroughly used and abused like I was.  She hasn't suffered in any way for her participation in the whole mess - as far as I know - but she will eventually with no help from me.  Too bad... .haha. 
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kly
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« Reply #46 on: February 27, 2010, 08:09:35 PM »

Excerpt
I was going to mail my uBPDh's girlfriend some information anonymously about BPD.  Then, I remembered that she knew that she was getting involved with a married man and for that I decided that she deserved to find out what he was all about the hard way - after she is thoroughly used and abused like I was.  She hasn't suffered in any way for her participation in the whole mess - as far as I know - but she will eventually with no help from me.

Tori, that's known as a logical consequence for her actions.

I love it!  

When the honeymoon phase is over and she's stumbling around in a daze wondering, "Wha? Whe? Wha? Huh?"  You can send her an  anonymous "Thank You" card.
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familysuffersfrombpd

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« Reply #47 on: February 27, 2010, 09:10:17 PM »

I did.  Finally, after 9 months of sleeping on couch after filing, my "hopefully soon to be xBPDh" got a girlfriend.  He still didn't go until I packed him and forced him to go.  That was June 09 and the divorce is still pending.  He takes the kids very, very little and can't reach out to them anymore.  Not that he could connect before... .but he can't even call these days.  I know he's hurting because in the past 9 months, he's begged me that "I'm doing the wrong thing, screwing up the family".  He's even told me via text that he cares more than I know... .because he can't express it.  And yes, I told the new gf... .more than one time... .at the beginning and about 4x over the past 9 months.  I really don't think they care to know - they will form their own decisions and maybe the relationship can be different. 

My first text to her told her to "Believe only part.  He is so manipulative".  I think basically my other texts over the months are the same... .it's not until I've had to deal w/ his PLEADINGS, IN FRONT of the children to come back, knowing that he has a gf still, no changes in his anger, controlling behavior... .I think as we move down the road... .it's easier for him to isolate from his kids and I, entirely.  So, no divorce after 18 months... .still pending... .but his whole family thinks it's pending ME!  That doesn't surprise anyone, does it?  I have my kids in a broken promise ministry and sure enough... .I'm hearing about the person that I don't want my children to become... .their father's pd. 

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« Reply #48 on: February 27, 2010, 10:17:57 PM »

This is a funny thread... .I don't mean this in a humerous way or to be insulting... so I will try to explain myself... .on the one hand I find myself wishing she would find someone else... .in the hopes that it will make her seperation from me more effective... .I really want to be disentangled from this woman... .On the other hand I really would not wish her to put anyone else in the same circumstances that she put me into... .but at the end of the day... .since we are dealing with adult relationships here... .after the break-up... .I wonderI if the new B/F or G/F would simply think that I was just trying to be spiteful... .especially during the honeymoon phase... .I have found this interesting because I also think of my soon to be exBPDw's prior husband to me... .due to custody issues we had regular contact with him... .and each time I dealt with him he always seemed like a decent enough sort of fellow... but me and he never spoke beyond basic pleasentries... .BPDw always painted the most ugly picture of this guy and unfortunately I believed her... .so I never spoke too much with him when I would run into the guy... .so if he had tried to warn me I most likely would have thought that BPD's stories were true... .After me and BPD broke up he contacted me... .because she was trying to reach him... .needless to say I found out that he was put into the hospital by her abuse on more than one occasion, hearing his story and based on my own observations and experiences, his experiences were even worse than mine and had the ring of truth to them, one difference was that he never ever pressed charges against her, I did,... .so it was an eye opener and helped convince me that regardless of my feelings, I would never let my soon to be exBPD live with me again... .I was lucky since I only had to stay with her 3 years... .he was with her for nine... .
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« Reply #49 on: February 28, 2010, 01:24:54 AM »

Runningasfastasican, just wanted to say... .loved your name!

That just about sums it up on what you should do when you meet someone your gut tells you

shows red flags/characteristics/abuse of any disordered person but in this case BPD.
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« Reply #50 on: February 28, 2010, 02:04:04 AM »

Runningasfastasican, I hope that name will one day change to strollingalongandenjoyingit  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #51 on: March 01, 2010, 01:34:15 AM »

no way... .especially if the girl is too proud to have such a "wonderful" bf Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). plus it lessens the chances of your ex to re-engagement you, if he has a new distraction. i let her discover it for herself, that is not my concern.
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« Reply #52 on: March 01, 2010, 01:47:15 AM »

no how, no way! My ex is very good looking and very charming. There is no way a new woman in his life would believe me over him. All I would accomplish would be to make myself look like a crazy ex.

That being said we did have a nasty break up several years ago that involved him going out and finding my replacement immediately. I stayed completely away from him and his new romantic interest, I had no desire to be involved in any way, shape or form. In the end she sought me out and we were able to validate each other which was awesome but it never would have happened if she didn't take the initative. Same goes for today, I absolutely will not involve myself in his new relationships.
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goldenblunder
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« Reply #53 on: March 01, 2010, 03:15:35 PM »

Did anyone else experience prior victims that never moved on?  My BPDexgf's ex's were either black and gone out of the picture or there were these two hang around guys that she still used the hell out of all the time when she needed someone or something, I always felt bad for these guys as it was so obvious she was using the hell out of them and that they seemed quite broken... . 

Oh yes.  There is a guy that has not moved on, and its been 3.5 years!  I do think that he gets lots of teasing and encouragement from her, and it keeps him on the line.  Sadly for him, when she left me, it wasn't to go back to him, it was a new guy!  Too bad for him.
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« Reply #54 on: March 01, 2010, 03:17:15 PM »

I would never warn the new guy.  I have met him and he knew full well that my wife and I were married, yet he pursued her and it turned into cheating.  That guy deserves what he gets.
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« Reply #55 on: March 02, 2010, 11:52:05 AM »

I had contemplated talking to the guy, her affair partner, about what he was getting into. But, like others, I  refrained because 1) He knew she was a married mother of three , and still pursued her 2) I am sure he had heard horror stories about me, much like I did about her ex's and he would think I am nuts and 3) I was , actually, sort of grateful that she was being taken out of my life and did not ant to upset things.

Their affairage lasted about 18 months and then they were ate each others' throats. She took a lot of money from him and used him up and discarded him.

I guess I should send him a thank you card, as someone mentioned. I like that idea.
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« Reply #56 on: March 02, 2010, 03:29:07 PM »

I tend to ruminate on the xBPDp while I'm driving.  Too much idle time, for sure, and I had a 7.5 work trip yesterday.

As I was driving, it occurred to me that I could print one of the BPD articles from the website, thinking specifically of the one about love relationships with a BPD and send it to my ex's newest squeeze or current victim.

Of course I also ruminated about my motivations.

Am I trying to rescue her?  Am I trying to punish the ex?  Am I just dying to be RIGHT and having someone else acknowledge it?  Is this good will?  Or is it just a way of staying somehow hooked in and involved?

It is something I could and would do absolutely anonymously.  I have her name and work address and could simply send it with no return address from a random post office with a post-it saying "FYI."  There are enough people, even within his own family, who know he is unstable that I don't think anyone would think it was me.  (I don't even think the new woman knows about me.)

Anyone done it?  Thought about it?

I don't think I'll do it, but it got me thinking about whether anyone else here had.

VanessaG

If you have ever cared about this person, I would recommend against it... .they need to learn some way, hopefully they meet someone that can totally shut them down and show them that their actions are inappropriate for living a successful life.
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« Reply #57 on: March 02, 2010, 03:32:41 PM »

I think its pointless to warn the new person but wouldnt two people be more effective then one? 
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« Reply #58 on: March 02, 2010, 03:33:18 PM »

and what about the 50 people before the one who can shut them down?  casualties?
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« Reply #59 on: March 02, 2010, 03:35:12 PM »

I guess I should send him a thank you card, as someone mentioned. I like that idea.

One thing that I was tempted to do was to send an email to the new guy and just say, "She's all yours, good luck!"

I won't do it, though.  I don't want to provoke anything.
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Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
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Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
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lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
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Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
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SES
Silverhope
Skip
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StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
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WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
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WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

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