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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: An admission about unhealthy behaviors I've engaged in  (Read 4111 times)
DC Daniel
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« on: February 25, 2010, 04:51:54 PM »

Just wanted to chime in with something that I know is wrong, and wanted to see if other have done similar things. It's been about 4 months since we officially disengaged, and 2 full months since the divorce was finalized.

We lived together for 4 years, and during that time she had asked me to login to her email account to check certain things. I never breached her email again until recently, when she asked me if our old insurance had her covered. This was about 2 months ago, shortly after the divorce. Needless to say I worried a little and logged in to see if she was going through any illness or had relapsed with her eating disorder. I'm embarrassed to admit, but I have logged in multiple times to get a glimpse in to her new life or who she is communicating with. Have any of you done this? I emailed her a month ago that the computer I kept got hacked and that she needed to change passwords, but she never changed them. I just emailed her again, because I now that the urge to see a small glimpse in to her life will return again, in a month, in a year, who knows maybe even a decade from now... .This time I basically said that she had to change her passwords cause I found a keylogger or something to that affect... .

I don't really have a point to this other than to see if others have struggled with similiar moral issues, and they don't have to be related to email. It could be bank accounts or other "private" information.

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Im.okay.now
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« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2010, 05:31:47 PM »

hmmm ... .be careful you might see something that you really don't want or need to see ... .i'm sure you know the answer to your question or you probably wouldn't be asking ... .but here goes ... .its not ok to snoop in other people's private business ... .BPD pr not ... .im sure you would not like it if i was done to you.


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DC Daniel
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« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2010, 05:42:59 PM »

hmmm ... .be careful you might see something that you really don't want or need to see ... .i'm sure you know the answer to your question or you probably wouldn't be asking ... .but here goes ... .its not ok to snoop in other people's private business ... .BPD pr not ... .im sure you would not like it if i was done to you.

I agree, and as stated it was spurred by a very odd question, which I later found out from a family member did involve her eating "issues".

This is why I've told her to change her passwords because I don't know if I'll do it again. I don't plan on it, but I just don't know how I would react to lets say my sister saying she looks miserable... .I'd be happy just knowing that she moved on, is with someone else and getting help, but I know that is not a likely scenario.

Despite everything I've lost, the wasted years I've spent, and all the abuse I've taken, I still worry about her health and how she is doing... Whether that involves my own selfish needs is something I'm trying to figure out, but I've seemingly moved on, have dated a ton of girls and generally feel awesome about life.
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Im.okay.now
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« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2010, 05:50:08 PM »

Glad to hear that you are doing good ... .you will figure it out ... .but it is not your responsibility to care about her anymore ... .she is an "ex" for a reason. It shouldn't matter to you how she feels or how she is donig ... .to really move on you will probably need to work this out and let her go.

Anyhow ... .you are on the right track ... .all you have to do is to keep going !

 
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davidj

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« Reply #4 on: February 25, 2010, 06:49:58 PM »

I think you will find power for yourself by knowing the password/s etc... .and simply not acting on the urge to see her account. I figure it's sought of like smoking, every time you do it it's hurting you ... .
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C12P21
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« Reply #5 on: February 26, 2010, 01:28:38 AM »

When I discovered my exBPDh's numerous accounts to emails and dating sites, I went HOG WILD checking them. It was like being caught up in a horrible movie and I couldn't DRAG myself from the seat. I eventually told him what I discovered and asked  him to change his pass codes. I felt TERRIBLE but realize now it was my way of facing the facts, I had no clue about his behavior and it was an eye opener.

While going through the divorce we decided to try marriage counseling and attended about six sessions, on a hunch, I checked to see if the passwords were intact. They were and this time he had emails from porn sights for hooking up with sex partners. The really gross part, he had a picture of him hugging one of my daughters posted on the site along with a few women he had dated, one of them an attorney.

I deleted the picture of my daughter and thought about informing the attorney but decided against it.

I have never returned to the sites or looked again but did end the marriage counseling sessions. My point is yes, I have done this unhealthy behavior but the looking aided in my decision to never go back and to realize how very sick he is... .and I was... to continue to try to save a sick marriage.
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man34
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« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2010, 01:45:50 AM »

i have done it... .she gave me the password to all her accounts... .it was actually my name with i love u attached to it... .how ironic... and on the same accounts she was having cybersex with strangers... .i caught her... .it helped then///but later it became a habit for me... .so i asked her to change the password... .since then... .i am feeling better... .and not wasting time... .
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Torchwood
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« Reply #7 on: February 26, 2010, 02:09:20 AM »

I never went into my ex's accounts, but I found myself (when dating her) always keeping an "eye" out for "something". What that something was I have no idea, but I always felt uneasy about her past (everything she told me had holes in it, which I never confronted her about since you don't want to tip them off). I'm an investigator by occupation, so it's my nature to feel the need to solve a mystery. BPD is one I never came close to solving, and that's been one of the hardest things to let go of!

I don't necessarily agree with invading ones privacy, but I can tell you from my past experience years ago, that if I didn't log into another exs email, I would have never seen the email from her new BF and started the process of moving on. Sometimes we need to get burned so we never touch the hot stove again.

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GCD145
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« Reply #8 on: February 26, 2010, 05:50:49 AM »

No, I never did, and I never read the diaries she kept and left around.

GCD145
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« Reply #9 on: February 26, 2010, 05:53:48 AM »

DCD, My partner led a double life. He was so convincing that I went for years without finding anything out. One event changed everything and set into motion a process of discovery that became a slow death by obsession. I was obsessively checking what I thought was his email.

What he did was to *give* me his old email account to monitor, so he could prove that he was an honorable person. Boy, did that keep me naive for awhile. Then I started to get suspicious- and entered the email in the "forgot your password" links of various dating sites. What came back was paid memberships in 12 different sites.  He had put in a new email address for the date sites and gave me the old to prove he wasnt on any dating sites.  He was actually paying anywhere from $25 to $40 per month for each site. A monthly total of about $400 per month. That's an insane amount of money for anyone or maybe I should just say, that's just insane.  In fact, a therapist once told me that his lying was rather psychopathic.

Naturally, once I had access to the sites- I was able to see the process he used. He would use eharmony for instance, and compliment the computer for finally picking out the woman of his dreams. He would tell them that he liked eharmony the best because the computer based his choice and it must be ~kismet~. Allot of women fell for it too- but he was unable to keep track of them all and mostly flubbed the meeting places, etc. He used cut and paste of the same email over and over to about 60 women a night. I was fascinated and amazed and in the end- horrified at the level of mental derangement.

It took me about 4 years to let go of it. I still have the old account- and last year two women wrote rather sad, poignant emails asking for second chances. Since they cc'd to his other account, I deleted them. To this day, I'm certain that both of these women are still hoping, wishing and praying that he will become the man of their dreams.  So in a sense, the unhealthy behaviors that I went through were supporting my effort to get away. At a certain point, any addiction is like a bad habit- and extra willpower is needed to break away.  I know how hard it is, but given time you'll let it go when you're ready.  I always thought it was like looking at a train wreck- there's only so much you can see before you process it as *terrible* and then you just want to look away. Give it time- you'll get there.

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turtlesoup
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« Reply #10 on: February 26, 2010, 06:13:42 AM »

I knew my partners facebook password and she logged into her email and left it open a few times and this enabled me to find out what I needed to know. I knew who her exs were so I went straight for that avoiding any other private things which, maybe shouldn't, but does make me feel better. I could see her re-engaging her exs but at the time didnt know what BPD or re-engaging was. So I just reacted like any other jealous lover and left her.

Had I known what re-engaging meant at the time I probably could have reasoned this away mentally and still be with her today. However, knowing as much as I know about BPD now it was definately the right decision, she is still an abusive, unpredictable liar after all.

When I had what I needed, I told her I knew her password and that she should change it. From then on, her trying to sort our relationship out and get me back fell down, I dont believe it is because of the breach of security on my part. i think probably there was much more in her emails that she now wonders if I read and will think that the jig is up. Im quite sure there was more in there and she was probably talking to multiple people lining them up in case I failed to move in, which I did fail to move in.

I have never gone into a previous partners email account or facebook. But when you know something is up, and you;re about to make a big decision, like moving your live 200 miles to another town, sometimes it pays to break the rules, I did and I dont feel bad about it. Imagine if I hadn't.
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DC Daniel
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« Reply #11 on: February 26, 2010, 08:30:39 AM »

Well,

I got the first somewhat "nice" response back. The email account password has been changed.

This was the final link I had to her. Oddly, I feel somewhat saddened about things. I've been thinking about her a lot more lately. I have accepted that there was NOTHING, and I mean nothing  I could have done to save our marriage, but I still feel a tinge of sadness... .Hopefully in a few weeks this final chapter will sink and I'll continue on the path of the healing that I have been on since the divorce.

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modernman
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« Reply #12 on: February 26, 2010, 08:52:53 AM »



Um, yes I have and she has done the same to an e.x.t.r.e.m.e.

We shared passwords.  Transparent.  We hid nothing.  She was prone to snooping anyway as a product of her freakish insecurities.

Fast forward to November of 2009... .I did log in and kept myself up to date on her frame of mind re: attorneys, pending divorce, etc.  Also perused some messages she got from friends.  She changed passwords w/in two weeks.  It was a bit addicting.  I was glad she changed them.

ON the otherhand, she hacked and keylogged my computer and has been accessing my private emails for three months now, unbeknownst to me.  She even went so far as to have my email exchanges forwarded to her cell phone.  Primarily the emails were between me and a new girl.  She'd use the information to 'show up' where we'd be.  Cyber stalking, basically.

She'd be happy snooping through ANYBODY'S email, mail, medicine cabinets, secret drawers, glove boxes, etc.  Its an illness.

I've since changed my passwords but I'm sure she'll eventually hack herself into those.  Its her nature.

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Fruit Loop
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« Reply #13 on: February 26, 2010, 08:53:03 AM »

The only thing I did was read some emails that she printed out.  She left them in the bottom drawer of the dresser she gave me to use.  There were about 100 pages in chronilogical order between her last boyfriend and her that she met on match.com.  They started with the first contact through she going out west to visit him and he coming east to see her.  They were totally infatuated with each other and she planned to sell her house and move out west to live with him.  I was the rebound from this relationship.
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NewStart
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« Reply #14 on: February 26, 2010, 10:07:07 AM »

Great Subject line... ."unhealthy behaviors I've engaged in"... .

I never looked at her emails but one morning she was sleeping in and I was headed out for a mountain bike ride and there was her phone with a message on it... .I don't know about anyone else but there were times in our relationship that I could just 'feel' something wasn't right... .I really mean that I just knew it sometimes, like a sixth sense.  Anyway, I opened her phone and there was an unread picture message... .it was a picture of a camp fire and it said "I miss you"... .I called the number and it was as she said to me 'The only man who broke my heart' who had sent it. 

Sorry to take this on a tangent but the subject made me think of other behaviors too... .there are a few other things I am sorry for engaging in too.  One night near the end she came over and we were sitting on my deck having a glass of wine, she was being sweet and engaging... .and then it started... .she asked, "who did you tell that I poured a beer on you in your sleep?"  It's like the sweet and engaging was only leading to her protecting herself... .then she went off telling me I had better not tell anyone else and I need to tell her everyone that knows about it and it finally escalated into her actually threatening me that she would make stuff up and tell people crazy stuff like I beat her etc. etc.?  I was totally dazed and asked her in amazement, "Are you seriously threatening me because YOU broke in my house and poured a beer on ME? 

The piece I regret is that I just got up went in the house, locked the door and went to sleep... .I just left her sitting there... .

It's those kinds of things that I wonder about... .what if I had acted differently... .what if I had... .?

Yes, I engaged in some unhealthy behaviors especially near the end of the relationship... .

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turtlesoup
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« Reply #15 on: February 26, 2010, 10:12:03 AM »

Towards the end of our relationship there was a lot of that "I'm sure you're going to tell everyone about this" and "You don't realise who telling stuff to will hurt" basically lots of control measures to make sure I do not tell people how she has behaved. Of course she didn't give her ex's the same curteosy and slagged them off to me and others that would listen. Just to give them clear space in which to create more mess. At the time I told her that I wouldn't be telling anyone as Im hardly proud, which still stands to a point, but should anyone come looking for me I will give them the truth with both barrels.
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DC Daniel
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« Reply #16 on: February 26, 2010, 10:12:32 AM »

Guys,

The only way I could heal from the relationship was to deeply examine my role in it.

That is why I created this post. We all played a huge role in our relationships with out BPD's and many of us engaged in unhealthy behaviors like the ones I described. It was only when I sat down, dug really deeply and took the focus away from her to me that I was able to disengage in a healthy manner and move forward with a clear head. Of course that journey still needs work as evident by the emails, but I'm confident I will continue to disengage and close out the chapter sooner than later.
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Beast98
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« Reply #17 on: February 26, 2010, 11:03:47 AM »

I was having trouble with my son's FB and MySpace addiction interfering with his school work so I installed tracking software on my computer to monitor his usage.

What I found was ex (living with me at the time) playing cyber-grab-ass daily with a couple of her ex's... .Scheduling meet-ups, etc. What a tramp.   
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C12P21
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« Reply #18 on: February 26, 2010, 07:13:28 PM »

2010,

Reading your post was like reading a chapter of my life. I knew my husband had problems but not the depth of the expense or the sexual addiction. He was paying roughly $800. a month for hookups sites, prostitutes, dinners, gifts, and phone sex.

I actually thought I was crazy during our marriage, the $$ always short, the time away from home, the strange phone calls, the "looks" from other women, the hotel receipts explained away.

My sluething was a gut wrenching experience, I had a calendar with tallys, expenses, and began to track the times he called and would say "I'm not coming home" if he bothered to call. I got into his cell phone account, read where the calls were coming in from via the receiver hook up, sometimes he would be in two different counties within a four hour period. I took the charge receipts, bank statement withdrawals and compared notes.

I knew I wasn't crazy and but very sick and co-dependent. My healing was the day I threw all the garbage away and told myself it no longer mattered. Confrontation, tears, therapy, nothing worked. I just had to get OUT.

He is a leader in our community, speaks in church about honoring family and women. I am working hard to ensure I can get a good job and not rely on him for child support. My deepest fear? He will get busted, exposed and lose his job.

Another two years in a Masters program and I should be free. But if not, back to working seven days a week. My disgust is he took out a loan on our home to pay off his credit card debts, I am paying that mortgage. I often look around my home and think what sexual services I am paying for. When my son graduates and leaves for college I am selling this house of memories and will be free from the emotional sadness of the cost of sexual addiction.

I do not regret doing what I did I am only relieved I found out and got out before contracting a disease or having to sell our house to cover his expenses.

Thanks for listening.

C
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Busybee
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« Reply #19 on: February 26, 2010, 07:47:09 PM »

This is timely! I haven't been on the board for a while and came back because of a bit of craziness I indulged in today. My BP (as I've said elsewhere, sorry to repeat for people who have seen it) was a business partnership/friendship, not a romantic relationship. We were supposed to try to be professional and "friendly" after the end, though I knew he wasn't capable of it. I recently, out of politeness and because he did the same for me, went to his Facebook page to leave a birthday greeting and was surprised to find he'd blocked me from seeing parts of his wall/leaving a message. Despite that, I emailed him a birthday greeting. I didn't refer to Facebook.

However, after that and after having avoided his Facebook for weeks, I was drawn in -- kind of thrilled at the craziness of it all -- to watch him then block me from his wall entirely and finally, today, block me period. During the entire two week timespan, I didn't acknowledge that I knew this was going on.

Meanwhile, I was the one who created his company's Facebook fan page and due to quirk of Facebook's logic, the creator of a fan page cannot be deleted as an administrator of the page. You can add and delete other admins, but can't delete yourself, nor can anyone else delete the creator of the page (there are lots of complaints about this, as you'd imagine). So, of course, I was watching him dick around with his personal page knowing the whole time I had complete access to his corporate page. After seeing that I was totally blocked, I went back to the corporate page to try to delete myself again and, as I've done before, deleted HIM as an admin to see that the deletion option was still working in general... .just not for the page creator. In the past I immediately added him back, within seconds. However, I found that because he had blocked me and was no longer a "friend" I couldn't easiliy add him back like I'd done before. (I had no idea that was going to be an issue -- I would have thought you could make anyone an admin because Facebook fan pages can be seen by non-friends and non-Facebook users.) I can't even TELL you how I laughed out loud while emailing him to say that "while trying to delete myself as an admin I accidentally deleted you and can't add you back because Facebook says you've blocked me. I'm sure that's a Facebook error and will advise when the software glitch is worked out."

He immediately unblocked me but didn't email me or "re-friend" me so the fan page situation is still the same. I feel like I should be the better person and just put him back. On the other hand... .why? As far as Facebook is concerned I own that page. I've actually fixed it up a little bit and got rid of some dead links  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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itsalwaysmyfault

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« Reply #20 on: February 26, 2010, 08:17:22 PM »

that was a very complicated story, but hilarious!Thank you.

These BPD people can make us do some crazy things.
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Busybee
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« Reply #21 on: February 26, 2010, 09:26:33 PM »

that was a very complicated story, but hilarious!Thank you.

These BPD people can make us do some crazy things.

Ha ha, I know... .and really I should try to behave like a sane person this time instead of engaging in his projective identification again. This is like award-winning projection. He acted out in a paranoid way so I fulfilled his paranoid fantasy. But... .it IS funny!
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hiddenlizard
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« Reply #22 on: February 27, 2010, 06:35:58 PM »

I found my way into my husband's e-mail early in our relationship. He saves almost everything. It was not a habit I continued. You would have thought that the things I read would have me running for the hills but I did not. At that time I still believed I was different and special   But it did provide some insight that I am able to use now that I am disengaging from him.
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Busybee
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« Reply #23 on: February 27, 2010, 07:04:50 PM »

I have to add "feeling different and special" to my list of red flag on another board. Because don't all the victims of BPs convince themselves of that!
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« Reply #24 on: March 01, 2010, 01:16:39 AM »

because of my 2 uBPDexbfs, i have become a google expert Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). my first ex always used the same nickname/handle for every website he joins. one time he was so busy to talk to me and became irritable. i thought of googling his nickname and i've found that he was flirting with another girl for 2 months! i immediately registered on that website with the same nickname he known me for and it was actually funny cuz he introduced me to the girl as his gf.

that really broke my trust and because he is in the mideast with minimal internet access, he asked me one time to email his resume to the company he's applying to for him. i thought of a good excuse and said it would be weird if i use my email so i convinced him to give his password (which he was very hesitant to do). that unlocked pandora's box. i saw nude pictures of that same girl he was flirting with, their e-mails and some other accounts that i did not know of. from then on, i check his emails regularly and prohibited him to change the password. but of course, he created a new email account or sometimes he would use his work email to get around me.

last bf was so secretive with his text messages and facebook account. he had me reset his facebook password because it got blocked from his work and he wanted to access it in my place sometimes. saw a message of him flirting with his high school classmate. this was the time when he asked me to be his girlfriend and he already thought of having a fallback! i should've stopped then and there... .but i did not learn.

i was not so crazy checking his email unlike the first ex but everytime my instinct tells me to check, i always discover something that really broke my heart. the last time i checked was he was flirting with another ex coworker and a girl working in the club sent him a nude picture of herself to his phone which he forwarded to his email.

i gave him the screenshot of what i have discovered from his facebook, and since he is not technical, he asked me how did i find out his password (he changed it). i denied it and told him the girl gave me the screenshot because i was talking to her. so he did not change the email password (which is the same as his facebook) but he changed his facebook's password after my discovery. i have not seen him for almost a month now and that's the last time i ever talked to him.

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Dorian
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« Reply #25 on: March 01, 2010, 02:48:19 AM »

Excerpt
ut when you know something is up, and you;re about to make a big decision, like moving your live 200 miles to another town, sometimes it pays to break the rules, I did and I dont feel bad about it. Imagine if I hadn't.

Well, I discovered the affair by going into her email account. I never did it before. I had ample reason to suspect that something was going on so I went in (she's always shared p/w's with me) and easily saw that she'd been sending love emails and 'pictures' to the guy I suspected.  I had just come back from a business trip and was already almost certain she'd cheated while I was gone.  I needed the smoking gun to prove it.  I confronted her and she denied everything until I told her I'd seen the emails.

Fast forward 1 month.  She says to me, "you wouldn't have gotten hurt this way if you hadn''t gone into my email. I was going to let you down easier."  Typical of her BPD logic.  I was already a basket case of anxiety because she'd been lying to me for months and she was planning to keep lying to me for a while longer.

I have no regrets for having gone through her email because it blew this wide open. I could have ended up getting her pregnant if I'd not known sooner.

Now I will confess that I continued to check her email for a few weeks after she left me.  I'm not too proud of it and it's hard for me to say whether it was helpful or just caused more anguish.  I learned that she hadn't come clean about a lot of other things including more drug use than I had thought.  She's since changed her password.

While we are on the subject, I will confess that I also read her journal for the last couple of months which was left on her computer that she left at my house. She had actually anticipated this and had included a note to me, "... .xxx, if you're reading this, I love you. But I don't deserve your love... .".  I don't know if that little note was inserted before or after the break-up.  I consider the journal to be her propaganda because it appeared to have been scrubbed of details.  Ugh.

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turtlesoup
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« Reply #26 on: March 01, 2010, 05:08:02 AM »

Yeah I continued to check for a while too, but a few weeks in I told her to change her passwords which she did with super quick efficiency and yes, "its your fault for looking" and "how do you know someone was standing over me and forcing me to write them"

What a moron!

Dont feel badly, you sound like me, you strongly suspected so you acted and saved yourself a baby and I saved myself isolation.
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« Reply #27 on: March 01, 2010, 07:09:54 AM »

Lets just say that I have never felt the need to do any of these things until I met my previous ex 2 years ago.

It took me a long time, paranoia and sleepless nights, trawling on his facebook and trying to guess his email password to find him registered all over dating sites, meeting up with women (this was difficult to prove, but just obvious) and he had another phone. I never managed to find the other phone once I realised something was wrong - he was so good at hiding it.

When I met him he had 2 phones, one for work and a personal one. he reckoned the personal one didn't work too well. He used to try to get me to send dirty picture messages to the personal phone so no one at work found out. I wasn't keen to be honest! He then asked me to put phone credit on this phone before a business trip - but he didn't call me ONCE from it - strange huh? I demanded that he give me the other phone and SIM card to stop me worrying, and he came up with some lame excuse that he had given it to a friend. I believed him!

He would leave his work phone out so I could look - I tried so hard not to, but it was a set up because the phone I couldn't see was the one he was doing wrong with.

The funniest time was when he sent me a text from the 'secret phone'. he clearly had my number in it, either to avoid me if I ever found it and called him or some other reason. The text was like 'hey sexy its XXXX (his name) what r u doin?' WTH? I rang him on his work phone and said er, you have just text me from the phone you gave away to a friend, the picture messaging one?' That day he left work early, rushed home to do damage limitation. I forgave him.

It was his bank statement that gave another story. £300 over the previous months on dating websites, phone bills etc.

I registered on one dating website to see his profile after finding it in my internet history... he said he was single, no kids, wanted 3 somes etc - not just with 2 women but with couples as well... the history said he had been on his 'inbox' which means he was communicating with the women. When I confronted him he threw his laptop across the room, breaking it saying that he had deleted all his profiles and didn't even want the internet anymore. I got on the website from my mother's house and found he had not taken them off, simply deleted his profile picture (which was of his FACE!)

I was so tempted to email some of the women on his facebook, which I did hack into a couple of times but I thought they wouldn't believe me when I told them. He was always messaging women while I was asleep. He was careful never to say anything too sexual, but he would always swap numbers or talk about times they had met up. He would never write on my facebook, or tag pictures of us together - now I realise because he was telling everyone else a diff story. We were together a whole year... .I never met half of his friends. He cut them all dead cos he knew I would find stuff out. And boy did I after!

He has a new GF now, she is quite young looking. He has me blocked on FB but I accidentally saw a photo of them together on someone elses FB and looked and he had been spoiling her for valentines day. I felt like a rush of hurt come up and then it just went. I never ever want to do that ever again, I respect people's privacy but it was like I was possessed?
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Dorian
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« Reply #28 on: March 01, 2010, 10:50:43 AM »

One thing I discovered by reading her emails was that she had joined a 2 local dating websites a few months before leaving me.

Strangely, she seems to have deleted a lot of emails but left certain others that were incriminating.  I don't know if it was sloppiness or a sick thrill over the possibility of getting caught.  I suspect the later.

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DC Daniel
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« Reply #29 on: March 01, 2010, 11:18:57 AM »

I am so glad she changed the passwords. I finally have full closure. There is no more link to her, our taxes are done and everything that needed to be resolved is resolved  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Dorian
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« Reply #30 on: March 01, 2010, 12:52:29 PM »

Excerpt
I am so glad she changed the passwords. I finally have full closure. There is no more link to her, our taxes are done and everything that needed to be resolved is resolved

DC - glad you've got it all resolved. This has been a good thread topic you started.
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Harker
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« Reply #31 on: March 01, 2010, 01:03:53 PM »

The fact that we, ourselves, get to the point of playing detective in these ways is indicative of a MAJOR problem in the relationship.  It really indicates a severe lack of communication.  If you are doing all you can to have a productive dialog about where you stand in the relationship, yet still remain unconvinced, so much so that you feel the need to violate your partner's privacy (whether it is ultimately justified or not)... .that is a major sign that you should consider disengaging to see what happens, rather than becoming a paranoid detective and doing things you'll later regret.  We do have a choice to go down that road or to disengage.  I really don't ever want to stoop to that level again and if I feel myself going there I intend to give my head a shake and make a different choice as to how I respond.
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goldenblunder
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #32 on: March 01, 2010, 01:34:01 PM »

Text messages, how I hate thee.  It started early on when we were probably only married for a few months.  We were in a theater just before the movie started.  She went to the bathroom, and her phone beeped or buzzed or whatever.  It was on top in her bag.  I leaned over that looked at the message.  I'll never forget it.  It was from her ex and it wasn't good.

From then on, I turned into a snoop.  I checked her phone a few times and saw that she was texting "i love you" and all sorts of things.  I even got the idea that it was still physical between them.  At some point, I blew up and confronted her about it.  Of course, she made it about me snooping and not about her cheating.  I know I shouldn't have been snooping, and I quit.  But it was because I sort of went numb at that point and just didn't want to see or hear it.  The marriage was pretty much dead right then, even though I kept up the show for quite a while.

One other thing, although this wasn't snooping on purpose.  Just as she was getting ready to leave me a few months ago, she left a text chat open on the home computer.  It was a chat with the new guy, right there on the computer.  I am so sorry that I saw it because what I read is burned in my brain.
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Busybee
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« Reply #33 on: March 05, 2010, 03:49:45 AM »

I've made progress (I hope) and blocked HIM on Facebook. What a relief.
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temp101
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« Reply #34 on: March 05, 2010, 06:58:32 AM »

The fact that we, ourselves, get to the point of playing detective in these ways is indicative of a MAJOR problem in the relationship.  It really indicates a severe lack of communication.  If you are doing all you can to have a productive dialog about where you stand in the relationship, yet still remain unconvinced, so much so that you feel the need to violate your partner's privacy (whether it is ultimately justified or not)... .that is a major sign that you should consider disengaging to see what happens, rather than becoming a paranoid detective and doing things you'll later regret.  We do have a choice to go down that road or to disengage.  I really don't ever want to stoop to that level again and if I feel myself going there I intend to give my head a shake and make a different choice as to how I respond.

While I believe that in this day and age, a couple should be transparent and share passwords during the relationship, I also agree with the above. If the sharing isn't for convenience sake or accessed for two-way assurance (both parties aware of the checking) after a fight, but rather is being accessed while you're playing detective, something is wrong. Been there, done that. I put myself in the role of 'babysitting' my STBX. I found it so exhausting that I just had to quit. I told myself, "If fate has something I need to see, it will show me." And it did, at exactly the right time. The motto is, "Take care of yourself," not watch your back every second of every day.

If I had the temptation to access an ex's email because I had their password, I'd politely send them an email asking them to change their password, stating it would make me more comfortable if I no longer had it. The less explanation the better.

Would I really? Yes, recently my STBX was on the phone with his mom. I could overhear him, so I was tempted to eavesdrop. Then I realized I was playing dectective again, so I knocked on the door and let him know that I could overhear him -- so he had the option to continue the conversation from a different place. It's HARD, but it's part of taking care of yourself. Otherwise, their actions will continue to hurt you. Do you really need any more pain?

Not judging though. Smiling (click to insert in post) Been there, done that Smiling (click to insert in post). Checking text messages, phone logs, email, blocking 'platonic' friends (LOL). We finally agreed together that text messaging had to go. Except for communications with my ex (for visitation), texts are blocked.
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