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Author Topic: An admission about unhealthy behaviors I've engaged in  (Read 4114 times)
Dorian
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 249


« Reply #30 on: March 01, 2010, 12:52:29 PM »

Excerpt
I am so glad she changed the passwords. I finally have full closure. There is no more link to her, our taxes are done and everything that needed to be resolved is resolved

DC - glad you've got it all resolved. This has been a good thread topic you started.
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Harker
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« Reply #31 on: March 01, 2010, 01:03:53 PM »

The fact that we, ourselves, get to the point of playing detective in these ways is indicative of a MAJOR problem in the relationship.  It really indicates a severe lack of communication.  If you are doing all you can to have a productive dialog about where you stand in the relationship, yet still remain unconvinced, so much so that you feel the need to violate your partner's privacy (whether it is ultimately justified or not)... .that is a major sign that you should consider disengaging to see what happens, rather than becoming a paranoid detective and doing things you'll later regret.  We do have a choice to go down that road or to disengage.  I really don't ever want to stoop to that level again and if I feel myself going there I intend to give my head a shake and make a different choice as to how I respond.
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goldenblunder
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living apart, working on the divorce
Posts: 639


« Reply #32 on: March 01, 2010, 01:34:01 PM »

Text messages, how I hate thee.  It started early on when we were probably only married for a few months.  We were in a theater just before the movie started.  She went to the bathroom, and her phone beeped or buzzed or whatever.  It was on top in her bag.  I leaned over that looked at the message.  I'll never forget it.  It was from her ex and it wasn't good.

From then on, I turned into a snoop.  I checked her phone a few times and saw that she was texting "i love you" and all sorts of things.  I even got the idea that it was still physical between them.  At some point, I blew up and confronted her about it.  Of course, she made it about me snooping and not about her cheating.  I know I shouldn't have been snooping, and I quit.  But it was because I sort of went numb at that point and just didn't want to see or hear it.  The marriage was pretty much dead right then, even though I kept up the show for quite a while.

One other thing, although this wasn't snooping on purpose.  Just as she was getting ready to leave me a few months ago, she left a text chat open on the home computer.  It was a chat with the new guy, right there on the computer.  I am so sorry that I saw it because what I read is burned in my brain.
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Busybee
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« Reply #33 on: March 05, 2010, 03:49:45 AM »

I've made progress (I hope) and blocked HIM on Facebook. What a relief.
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temp101
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 227


« Reply #34 on: March 05, 2010, 06:58:32 AM »

The fact that we, ourselves, get to the point of playing detective in these ways is indicative of a MAJOR problem in the relationship.  It really indicates a severe lack of communication.  If you are doing all you can to have a productive dialog about where you stand in the relationship, yet still remain unconvinced, so much so that you feel the need to violate your partner's privacy (whether it is ultimately justified or not)... .that is a major sign that you should consider disengaging to see what happens, rather than becoming a paranoid detective and doing things you'll later regret.  We do have a choice to go down that road or to disengage.  I really don't ever want to stoop to that level again and if I feel myself going there I intend to give my head a shake and make a different choice as to how I respond.

While I believe that in this day and age, a couple should be transparent and share passwords during the relationship, I also agree with the above. If the sharing isn't for convenience sake or accessed for two-way assurance (both parties aware of the checking) after a fight, but rather is being accessed while you're playing detective, something is wrong. Been there, done that. I put myself in the role of 'babysitting' my STBX. I found it so exhausting that I just had to quit. I told myself, "If fate has something I need to see, it will show me." And it did, at exactly the right time. The motto is, "Take care of yourself," not watch your back every second of every day.

If I had the temptation to access an ex's email because I had their password, I'd politely send them an email asking them to change their password, stating it would make me more comfortable if I no longer had it. The less explanation the better.

Would I really? Yes, recently my STBX was on the phone with his mom. I could overhear him, so I was tempted to eavesdrop. Then I realized I was playing dectective again, so I knocked on the door and let him know that I could overhear him -- so he had the option to continue the conversation from a different place. It's HARD, but it's part of taking care of yourself. Otherwise, their actions will continue to hurt you. Do you really need any more pain?

Not judging though. Smiling (click to insert in post) Been there, done that Smiling (click to insert in post). Checking text messages, phone logs, email, blocking 'platonic' friends (LOL). We finally agreed together that text messaging had to go. Except for communications with my ex (for visitation), texts are blocked.
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