SUCCESS STORIES

[Senra]

I'm happy to say that almost 8 months in, I consider our relationship at the very least on the WAY to success, due in part to this website.  It helped me so much to view his moods/actions in terms of regulated and dysregulated and to adjust my own thinking and actions accordingly.  It's been exactly a month and since I've adjusted myself I feel like we've been able to manage his dysregulations so that they aren't even the dysregulations that we've known, they're def bad moods but they don't escalate to much more than him being pissy and withdrawing for the night (before there was horrible verbal abuse, was starting to escalate into physical, and he put a loaded gun to his head in front of me and threatened suicide one night     I feel like he's responding to me so productively and seems so motivated to avoid what it was like before.  I'm very proud of us.  His moods would be the worst when he drank and now they def do usually return but instead of targeting me we use the time to process a bunch of grief and loss and PTSD  stuff that he's never dealt with, from childhood to now.  He's in the military and also been a cop and there is just so much he's experienced and never dealt w in a productive way.  I'm a mental health professional but I'm very conscious of the fact that I am not his therapist although obviously he needs therapy badly.  Loved ones can usually be very therapeutically supportive  to a certain extent though in any sort of mental health issue/situation, so I just do what I can in my role as that.  In fact just listening and validating  is basically all I do and he really seems to respond... .yay us LOL!  Of course I'm prepared for anything but I'm also convinced that ground is never really lost, it just  goes into hiding!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wieand05]

This isn't exactly a success story cause my wife isn't cured yet. She decided to move back into our house and we made her her own room. A room where she can go to if she needs space, no stress, relax, whatever she needs for her own time. 2 days ago I decided to write my thoughts on paper. My thoughts turned into 3 pages. She woke up and asked me what those papers were on the bed. I said, "oh, I thought I should write my thoughts down to see if it helps me cause I had things on my mind. You can read it if you want, but there are some things you probably won't like." So she starts reading and questions me calmly about some of the things. I was surprised on how calm she was. Well that night we talked about things, she let the truth out finally and was honest with me. She knew I expected the worst and had suspicions about certain things.

Since we talked, She's been the person I know she can be. It's fantastic. I have a strong feeling that most of our problems were from her holding everything back and away from me. I also feel like since she read my thoughts, she understood my feelings. I could never say what I thought cause she would always say her point of view and it's hard for me to say anything. I also can't think fast enough to say things in a conversation about problems . I always end up thinking of things later. Anyway, her and I both believe this room for her is a perfect idea. She gets to see her sons, she has her space, she can see my progress as a husband, and I get my wife back. We're even talking a lot more which is great. I would love to be intimate with her, but she doesn't want that yet. She wants to help herself first and I respect that.

So here's to the best   

[Belley]

I am newbie to this site and I have a daughter and husband with BPD.  I also had a mother who apparently had scizophrenia and took her own life and then was raised by a pedophile father.  This is such a positive site so I too wanted to say thank you and I wholeheartedly agree that DBT, setting boundaries giving love and living in the moment is key and these stories are proof of this.  Also I support people with physical disabilities today and have worked with intellectually challenged as well as in corrections and when supporting people regardless of their type of diability this works.  This is probably why I stay positive and hopeful.  thanks for the encouragement.  I am also happy to report my bp daughter is receiving counselling and is in college taking the community and justice course and on her way to recovery.  The bigger picture I feel with her is that she will be an asset to her field.  My BPD husband is in a mood disorder support group now which in essence promotes mindfulness and personal accountability from recovered peers which is awesome.  I also want to add that god is good because I've always appreciated the power of prayer.

[VB]

Well, I am back after months away from the board. I wanted to try and see how me and him went. Yes, we had our ups and downs and our fights and our tantrums and our push and pulls, but we have made it through. My B/F is so much better. He now has a job (working away) and it has given him the confidence he needs and the space I need. We are moving from an apartment into a house so we will have more space to get away from each other when we need to!

I know that traits from his condition have rubbed off on me, by maybe I also I have traits. I dunno, that is a totally different story. I couldn't live without him, and he has made an effort, a massive effort. I just hope that it will last. I know that there will be times when bad things happen, but we will just work though them. I know I have to stop my traits showing thorugh so I am throwing myself into the house move and the gym and my running again. I will keep dropping by on here! This board helped me so much and I don't know what I would have done without it!   

[Godhelp]

Thank you for your post I am new to this all and looking for help it is good to hear some stories that have made it

[egwene]

I never thought that I'd be at this point, but I think that my story is a success.  uBPDbf and I have gone 3 months with no major incidents, and just this weekend he acknowledged and apologized for all of his behavior over the past year - SHOCKING, I KNOW.  I'd been doing my part - once I stopped putting up with his behavior, set boundaries for myself, and realized that I was willing to walk away, it forced him to take care of what he needed to do to keep his own emotions in check.  Taking better care of myself physically and emotionally was key.

Overall, he said, that a lot of the issues we've had in the past year were him creating and playing out scenarios in his head as to why we shouldn't be together because he was scared.  He says now that he's over being scared and wants to take the next step.  What's funny is that 6 months ago I would have killed to hear that from him because I was so codependent.  Now I'm so much more confident that I sort of wonder - well is he really what I want? 

Whatever my answer to that question may be in the future, I'm happy with where I am today.  Thank you to this board for being such a source of strength and support in what had been the darkest days on my life.  I hope that my story is a beacon of hope for those of you who haven't yet gotten where you want to be in your relationships... .  With Love, Egwene

[lisa17]

Hello my name is Lisa my fiancee katie has BPD. I just wanted to share a sucess story.

After a traumatic childhood involving abuse, abondment, bullying and neglect she turned to self harm at the tender age of 12. Cutting, bitting, burning, ligaturing anything she could do. She also started to devlopobsseive all consumming crushes and attachements to women in autority eg: teachers, guide leaders etc. This behaviour would been seen as harassment/ stalking.

She had a major breakdown at the age of 20 at work and was refered to a mental health team for treatment. They did not help and acutally encouraged the beahviour. She went from job to job always being dismissed for erratic and self harming behaviour follwoing an attachment to boss/ superviser/colleague.

This eventually came to a head when, four years ago she was arrested and sent to Holloway prison facing 20 years for attemtped arson and harrassment having tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide by setting light to herself. This was to be a blessing in disguise. She was quickly diagnosed with BPD and after six months and being abused in prion was relased into pyschiatric care. Follwoing another hosptial admition for a massive overdose she was sent to a theraputic community in Birmingham called  Main House designed for people with BPD.


She was fianlly with people who understood and could her help. However she was still told that she would never have a 'notmal' life be able to go back to working in care or hold down a job. Spurred on by the death of her mother she engaged in extre therapy and was detrimend to prove the drs wrong and show them that although they can't 'cure' BPD you can take control of the illness rather than letting the illness control you.

She is now medication free and happily living with me in a 'healthy' functionning relationship. She hasnt self harmed for two years and is currently studying for her phd in child pyschology so she can help people like her.

We are too be married in november and we have just be approved to adopt our first child next year. There are still times the illness causes her distress but she is determined it aint going to ruin her life anymore.

So for all thoes out there struggling with BPD remeber there is hope and the doctors are not always right You can beat this rottern illness and live hapily long lives

[Steph]

Hello my name is Lisa my fiancee katie has BPD. I just wanted to share a sucess story.

After a traumatic childhood involving abuse, abondment, bullying and neglect she turned to self harm at the tender age of 12. Cutting, bitting, burning, ligaturing anything she could do. She also started to devlopobsseive all consumming crushes and attachements to women in autority eg: teachers, guide leaders etc. This behaviour would been seen as harassment/ stalking.

She had a major breakdown at the age of 20 at work and was refered to a mental health team for treatment. They did not help and acutally encouraged the beahviour. She went from job to job always being dismissed for erratic and self harming behaviour follwoing an attachment to boss/ superviser/colleague.

This eventually came to a head when, four years ago she was arrested and sent to Holloway prison facing 20 years for attemtped arson and harrassment having tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide by setting light to herself. This was to be a blessing in disguise. She was quickly diagnosed with BPD and after six months and being abused in prion was relased into pyschiatric care. Follwoing another hosptial admition for a massive overdose she was sent to a theraputic community in Birmingham called  Main House designed for people with BPD.


She was fianlly with people who understood and could her help. However she was still told that she would never have a 'notmal' life be able to go back to working in care or hold down a job. Spurred on by the death of her mother she engaged in extre therapy and was detrimend to prove the drs wrong and show them that although they can't 'cure' BPD you can take control of the illness rather than letting the illness control you.

She is now medication free and happily living with me in a 'healthy' functionning relationship. She hasnt self harmed for two years and is currently studying for her phd in child pyschology so she can help people like her.

We are too be married in november and we have just be approved to adopt our first child next year. There are still times the illness causes her distress but she is determined it aint going to ruin her life anymore.

So for all thoes out there struggling with BPD remeber there is hope and the doctors are not always right You can beat this rottern illness and live hapily long lives

Hi and 

  Such a nice story!

How old is she at this point? and you? and how long together? What struggles have you had in the relationship?

My H actually was cured of BPD via DBT. Was this part of her treatment or what other therapies did she go thru?

Again, its nice to hear your story and we look forward to getting to know you!

Steph

[lisa17]

hi steph katie is 29 and i am 32. We struggled at first with the mood swings and she needed lots of my attention but its much better now. She had lots of therapy at main house including art and drama therapy. I think the turning point was the death of her best friend through suicide. She found her with jenny's parents and seeing the pain they went through made her realise she never wanted to put me or her family through the same

[manna1966]

Yes there is more info on how to leave.I can only think that indicates the severity of the disorder.

However -its great to hear your story.And all the rest here!

I went basically NC last week with the door left open a small crack.I hope UxBPDgf will find out more about her PD and that she contacts me.It's a small hope and I am forging ahead with a healthier outlook regardless.

M

The reason I am posting on here is that during my research so far, I have come across so many sites and help for 'leaving a partner with BPD', there is waaaaaaaaaaay more info on how to leave than how to stay, and I was starting to worry that maybe its just to hard.

[winning123]

1 year 6 months into therapy and 2 weeks without a episode. Wow after all the let downs seems to be getting better.Its hard for too hope this is gone but she seems to be dealing with things better... .And me too I do not allow her to trigger me.

[Scorpion]

Hello All,

Been a while since I posted on this board, just thought I'd pop by and give an update.

For those who don't know me, my story is soo similar to many on this board. And firstly I would encourage anyone going through the troubles of staying with a BPD partner to come here often to know you're not alone and things can get better.

My BPDW has made huge strides with her illness. It still very present, especially in the form of severe depression, but other symptoms have been on a massive decline since she started therapy 2 years ago.

Things in our house have never been better this past year, sure we have our ups and downs like any normal couple would and she constantly struggles to keep mindful of her actions. But all in all we're moving in the right direction and finally in a good place.

Some things I learned through this process that I would like to share with the group is... .


1) It takes all kinds of patience on your part to not react in negative ways when our partner outbursts. Some things shouldn't be tolerated, but remember that they have an illness and be extra mindful of your reactions as I found out the hard way can have all kinds of negative impact on your partners road to recovery.

2) Take care of yourself. Being with someone with this disease is extremely trying, and if you don't look after yourself then bad things WILL happen. Try to take up hobbies or find extra time in the day that is just for you.

3) When you follow the above advice, especially at first, things can get ugly. Oh god did they get ugly for us. This SHOULD be temporary. If after all the reading I've done on here from the help is that extinctions burst are brutal, but they should go away. I remember relaying a story on here about going skiing for a weekend. I thought it was the end of the world and might not be worth it. A helpful member on this board told me I would probably regret it then and later when IO kept putting my happiness off. Wow were they ever right. 1.5 years later and I look at that moment as a defining point in our relationship. Yeah things were bad for a bit, but I kept to my guns and had little outings for myself once a month. Slowly it became the norm, and now she actually looks forward to it LOL.

I would just like to thank everyone on this board for helping me through a tough time and let some of you know that there can be light at the end of the tunnel, it just takes a lot of work by both parties involved.

Thanks

FatMike

[AlaskaBPDSO]

As a Newbie I am soo glad to see this thread!

THANKS!   I needed this!

[TXwoman]

      I'm have been on every one of these boards on and off for the last couple years or so... .and very happy to be posting here this evening.  Someone on this thread made a very astute observation - they were right -  once things start "working", people tend to NOT come back.  I was thinking this morning that I really needed to get back on here and offer some hope to some of the other suffering souls on this board!  My BPDH had gone to T off and on, and is going to Psych on a fairly routine basis.  He has been put on a few different meds with varying side effects (some tolerable, some not so much) -  we worked through that - and some times ugly... .There has been a particular medication that has made all the difference with MY husband,  and I'm not sure if I am able to name it on these boards, if you really want to know feel free to message me.  It is a commonly prescribed drug for depression.  Things have been very good since early June -  and I am not delusional enough to think life will be perfect!  But... .I have noticed that he will start to "go there" at times, then he suddenly catches himself and gets it back together!  I am so proud of him and the improvements I have seen. Our kids have noticed those same improvements in their interactions with him too!   I just felt the need to get this on this board, so that people would know that it is POSSIBLE, that with the proper attention and treatment, that things can get good again!  I had actually contacted an atty and prepared for divorce - so this is a great turn of events for us!  I hope that life will get BETTER for each of you, in one way or another.

[champion]

I became a member of this site today.  I am a 33yr old man married to an attractive and intelligent host to BPD.  In addition, she has chronic migraine headaches which are debilitating and often require a trip to the ER for any relief (over 30 trips last year). 

My wife was diagnosed prior to our engagement and I must admit that I did a terrible job of recognizing the severity and, truthfully, the reality of BPD before asking her to marry me.  I thought she was simply concerne that I wasn't sincere in my affection for her and believed she would see how wonderful and loving I truly am.  I now understand that I had completely misled myself into denial of BPD's destructive nature. 

I would like to say that this thread has been exactly what I needed to continue my pursuit of a happy and healthy relationship with my wife - despite admitting to her that I had desires to leave her.

I would like to thank those of you who contributed to this thread for sharing your lives - and the lives of your loved ones - for the sake of others.  I long to write my own success stories here as well... .thanks to you I am finding faith that such a future is possible.     

[karmamiles]

It's been a long time since I've been here to read or post.   This community was so helpful for me during some really difficult times over the past 4-5 years.  Reading about everyone's experiences, successes and failures, was so helpful as I took stock of my own relationship with a BPD. 

In a nutshell, my BPD and I stayed together and things have been "incident-free" for over a year.  That's NOT to say we haven't fought or that I haven't seen indications of his BPD tendencies.  I've just learned ways of responding to him and interacting with him that balance my needs in the relationship along with (what I think is) a realistic understanding of who he is.  That seems to be a major key to figuring out whether you can sustain a relationship with a BPD - whether the degree to which their behavior requires you to change (and it does) is acceptable to you and not harmful to you or anyone else.  If you imagine concentric circles, it's that sweet spot in the middle with the overlap.  I imagine some relationships have that and some don't.

I might stick around here and see if I can help others... .so many here helped me.

[Hugo]

Before praising the usefulness of the BPD Family Lessons and Techniques, I should probably make a few things clear and recap some information:

I'm a gay male in a monogamous relationship of 2.5 years with a diagnosed BPD partner whom I call MP, which stands for "My Partner."

I've never before been in any short- or long-term relationship with a BPD person, diagnosed or otherwise. All my short- and long-term relationships ended for very mundane reasons, such as my not wanting to move to, and spend the rest of my life in, semi-rural Wisconsin. (I'm a dyed-in-the-wool born-and-raised Big City ethnic kind of guy who doesn't like snow.)

About six months ago my relationship with MP reached a crisis-type level of dysfunction which had mostly, if not exclusively, to do with MP's rage marathons and hair-trigger high-decible temper. We took a mutually agreed upon "time out" lasting almost one month.

MP's prestation of BPD is pretty much confined to rage. There are no problems with infidelity, financial impropriety, sexual-identity confusion, disappearing, controlling my time or friendships or family interaction, or out-of-the-blue threats to end the relationship.

Were I to compare my relationship with where it was two years ago, I'm practically living in a Garden of Eden of Miraculous Tranquility. It is difficult for me to describe just how very, very, very crazy my relationship with MP was two years ago.

Were I to pinpoint the Greatest Significant Change in my relationship with MP, it would be that I truly, sincerely, absolutely, unequivocally, let go of my relationship with MP. Which is to say, I completely surrendered all my expectations and preconceptions about my relationship with MP, and completely accepted my relationship with MP as it was and as it is.

My reasons for adopting "radical acceptance" were that MP is brilliant, adorable, affectionate, humorous, creative, trustworthy (in terms of loyalty to me and in his social interactions with others), and reliable.

Since the amazing turn-around in our relationship following our "time out," there have been some regressions, set backs, and "explosions."

What is significant about these events is that, unlike two years ago, they were self-limiting. In the past, MP would routinely work himself into rage-a-thons that could last two- to three days.

MP's "explosions" are now much less explosive, last for one- to two-hours, and afterward he is entirely amenable to talking them through and resolving them.

In addition to my Greatest Significant Change of "letting go," the most important, and difficult, changes have been:

* Setting Boundaries: And I've set them as calmly and clearly as possible. I say, "We are not going to yell at each other about this," and, "I'm not going to talk with you until you lower your voice," and, "It is intolerable for me to persist in a relationship where every disagreement is a discussion of what a bad person I am."

* Setting Goals: Part of my "letting go" of my relationship with MP was my expressing to MP that our staying together indefinitely was not inevitable. I said, "We've been together long enough for both of us to decide whether this is a desirable long-term relationship. If we can't both of us together find a way of getting along that it is tolerable for both us, then we will need to find a way of ending the relationship that is tolerable for both of us."

So, tonight, to make a long story short, we had an out-of-the-blue "explosion." Two years ago, this would have lasted two- to three-days and would have involved a great deal of intolerable disruption of our day-to-day life.

But tonight, it lasted less than one hour.

The difference was:

* Affirmation: I acknowledged that I understood MP's feelings.

* Boundaries: I acknowledged MP's feelings and said that I was willing to talk about them only if he did not raise his voice.

* Letting Go: I acknowledged MP's feelings, said that I was willing to talk about them if he did not raise his voice, and that while I acknowledged his feelings and was willing to speak about them if he lowered his voice, such explosions were not part of what I could tolerate for a long-term relationship.

End result:

MP quietly and patiently listened to what I had to say. I asked MP to hug and kiss me to demonstrate that he not only understood what I said, but that I had said it out of a sincere expression of my love for him and a sincere desire that we be able to agree together that ours was a long-term relationship.

MP hugged and kissed me and asked me if I would like to play Scrabble with him, even though he was sure that he was going to "kick my ass."

I'm trying to be rational and healthy about my relationship with MP.

I'm trying as hard as I can to make good and healthy decisions about my relationship with MP.

I've completely, sincerely, and entirely "let go" of my preconceptions and expectations for my relationship with MP.

The BPD Family Lessons and Techniques really do work.

But the usefulness and success of the BPD Family Lessons and Techniques carry with them an implicit warning:

To the extent that the BPD Family Lessons and Techniques are useful and successful, they will take you to a new and unfamiliar place not only in your relationship, but also in yourself.

In my opinion, for "radical acceptance" to work, for the BPD Family Lessons and Techniques to be useful and successful, you have to be willing to let yourself go to uncertainty, which is to say emotional and spiritual and psychological places you are not able to anticipate or foresee.

Any and all feedback is, of course, very welcome.

[CodependentHusband]

End result:

MP quietly and patiently listened to what I had to say. I asked MP to hug and kiss me to demonstrate that he not only understood what I said, but that I had said it out of a sincere expression of my love for him and a sincere desire that we be able to agree together that ours was a long-term relationship.

. I'm sorry, but I had to chuckle about this just a little because I was picturing how my dBPDw would have reacted to me saying the same thing at the wrong time!  Honestly though, I think that this is GREAT! And I think that I might try it with my wife at precisely the right time.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I can echo what you say about the effectiveness of the tools and advice here. Just a few months ago, my dBPDw was spiraling out of control and I was right there with her. It literally felt like we were doing a tandem parachute jump and our parachutes had failed... .I really thought it was over (and it still might end someday, but, like you, I have learned to "let go".

I have also found radical acceptance to be the most beautiful thing for ME as well... .Sadly though, even though I honestly put forth a LOT of effort to get where I am with it, I don't think that it is possible for everyone. Like you, my pwBPD doesn't seem to have some of the traits that I would find particularly disturbing such as promiscuity, heavy drinking or drug use, etc. She does also seem to be able to demonstrate some pretty impressive loyalty to me, considering just how real and deep the anger for me can get at times (it's 100% REAL to them... .I know I'd be just as loyal to her if I were that mad, but it is hard!). Another aspect to radical acceptance that I think is important is that some nons simply may not be able to actually get to that level of acceptance... .Your analogy of "letting go" is really good, and I think accurate to what it feels like.

I also found out something interesting through another thread that I think is worth mentioning here... .In addition to radical acceptance, emotional distancing is also effective, and almost a prerequisite to radical acceptance, in my opinion. I say that because one of the hardest things for me to accept has been the lack of intimacy (up to and including sex) in my marriage. I'm finally in a good place in accepting this... .I can do what I always wanted to do, but could never pull off before when I set out to do it... .not pressure her for intimacy. I have found though that I am accomplishing this by erecting my own walls. My current challenge is figuring out how to lower those walls without becoming enmeshed to the extent that we once were... .I can't keep them at the current level, and I don't know exactly what to do next... .Time, practice, and patience will tell!


Hang in there, and I'm so happy that things are improving for you and your partner!

[peacebaby]

Wow, my original post from two years ago is on the first page of this thread. Time does fly. Since then, things have continued to get better for myself and my partner with BPD. She's doing well at a good job, she's got friends and a social life, her singing is going well. I have much more time to myself, time to write, and to feel just like Me. It's really great most of the time.

Though she still hasn't completely conquered her aggression issues in regards to me when she's upset, most of the upset these days is actually caused by me and my issues. I spent many years before her and with her not being honest about my feelings, keeping the bad feelings hidden inside, and now that I'm in therapy and really working on these things, I can be really reactive. My partner now gets boundaries and I still have trouble remembering not to be so "helpful." I'm learning from her and me and my therapist about being compassionate to myself and working through my feelings with many of the DBT skills.

[waitaminute]

Maybe minor success ... .but success anyhow.

On line with my long distance BPD GF. Writing about the marriage visa. She has been stereotypical ... .we MUST start it soon  ... .to ... .why are you rushing me? I have emphasized that it takes many months. Starting the process does not require her to commit to anything. But it simply gives her options. Right now we have no options. She is there and I am here and there are government laws that will ensure that is the case until we get a visa for her. She has asked me to help her get the forms and photograph she needs just for the initial forms. I have tried but she then back pedals and she doesn't come through. So the latest date we have agreed on is to submit the forms by July 3rd.

But today she says "we should apply July the 19th and then maybe we will fly together to the US by the third week in August". So I say ... .If we wait till mid July to apply, it will be September or October at the earliest that we fly here. She says "You know I do not feel well. I am stressed. Why are you so impatient? I do not have to do anything. I do not like your style. "

So I begin to use SET.

I tell her that I want to try to ease her stress. (S)

I told her that I can see that she feels like she is under pressure. (E)

I told her the government process takes several months at best and that is how it works. (T)

It totally defused the situation. She said she would get me what i need to file before July 3rd. We will see. But at least this conversation didn't go down the drain

[tuum est61]

Hi, 

I am back on bpdfamily.com after being away for a bit (I have a new name). I have continued to work on my relationship with my uBPDw. 

It is amazing the changes that have started to happen since I began to change.  The biggest change is the internal sense of peace I feel since I have learned how not to make things worse.  I am very thankful for this site and others.  Regardless of where the relationship with my W ends up (I have currently taken an apartment), I feel stronger and better and wiser.  I would just be a wreck had I not been able to find out about BPD and the support I was given here. I am very thankful.  Here's the thankful/success story I posted elsewhere but will use it as my reintroduction to you all.

I am thankful for learning about BPD about 9 months ago and how it has affected my wife and my whole family. 


I am thankful for learning about detachment and validating and boundary setting. 


I am thankful for learning "Nothing changes without change."


I am thankful for learning how my Codependency in fact enabled my W's   BPD and that I needed to change before she could.



I am thankful for the courage this knowledge gave me to move out about a week ago - a change by me precipitating many changes in her.


I am thankful for the renewed intimacy with my wife, her texts and call today to my 14 year old daughter estranged from my home due to my W's BPD,  and my wife's agreement to to go to church with me tomorrow and celebrate Canada Day at the park with my daughter and me.


I am thankful for those that guided me on bpdfamily.com.

[Lily_Stargazer]

  tuum,

Thank you so much for your encouraging post.  Things are really difficult for me right now, and this gives me hope.  I need to practice detachment more - is this the same as "take a step backward"?  (I see the link for that here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111890.msg1099714#msg1099714 which I definitely am

[tuum est61]

Lily S,

Make sure you read the lessons closely but my view is that detachment is something to apply while stepping backward - i.e. it is a tool you use rather than the process or phase of stepping backward. I had not thought about this before but "stepping back" is a phase I was in some time ago. I used detachment while I stepped back, but even thogh I have advanced into more assertive engagement, I still use detachment. I will continue to use it. In fact, I now use detachment with people that dont have BPD - work colleagues, friends, even my mother the other day!

Read elsewhere for more "learned" definitions but for me, detachment is the conscious decision not to react to the projections of negative feelings onto you.  It is based on the fact that their emotion is not about you. Its not personal even as the pwBPD can make it VERY personal. It's about them. It's about their illness. But it IS about your conscious choice to respond in a way that doesn't make things worse - even as your whole being is primed to justify, argue, defend, or explain. (JADE)

Note detachment is NOT about a complete withdrawal from the pwBPD. It is NOT about not caring. To avoid that pitfall, detachment should be used with it's partner validation - acknowledging the intense feelings they feel without necessarily agreeing with them. Validation is harder than detachment and takes more practice. Setting boundaries - the third leg on the stool - is about the steps YOU take to stop being subject to abuse when your pwBPD Is dysregulated - raging or silent treatment  - it means physical detachment at some times - leaving the room, going shopping, etc.

Any of the tools or techniques you find here take time and practice and trial and error. Good luck and keep posting and reading.

[Steph]

 Four years and lots of life and challenges in those 4 years...

BPD remains out of our lives.

Wow!   

[cindyr]

I am in a 2nd relationship with my BP husband.  First (19 years + 2 children), tons of Therapy (personal and marriage) = Divorce.  Second (8 years), my current therapist suggested my husband may be dealing with BPD.  I have learned about the disease and am grateful that I can atleast make some sense of my reality with my husband!  My therapist does not feel that my BP husband is in a place to 'accept' or 'consider' looking at a diagnosis.  So I travel forward to learn about what I can change... .Me... .and my reaction/compassion/validation to BPD cycles.

I am learning about ME.  For the BPD in the relationship I am in, I am thankful.  I am learning about how 'I' deal with my

stressors and how that contributes to the escalation of my BP.  I am compassionate for myself first and because I can now do so, am compassionate (not reactive) to my BP husband.  I am still learning and this is still my process.  I still 'feel' the urge to 'fix' his feelings, but now understand that by doing so I am enabling his disorder and thwarting my own growth.  I respect that this is work for both of us and am learning not to expect perfection from either of us.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I think I can actually post here  This last year has brought some great changes. A year ago, we were very much doing the BPD - co-dependent dance. Both of us not attending to our own problems, but rather accusing the other and getting into terrible, heartbreaking, asthma attack inducing fights four-five times a week.

Now, my BPDbf is in cognitive therapy, I have this site (yey!) and am also following a therapy with a psychologist specialised in BPD (w/NPD traits). We both work on our own problems and we both work on how to communicate better. It has been a long, hard road, with a lot of horrible, soul-destroying fights, but we're finally getting there!

I'm working on my co-dependency and anxiety and on radical acceptance, and my dBPDbf had had a wonderful breakthrough with his father and he has completely accepted that he has BPD and working to managing it better and getting more healthy. Just this evening, for example, he was telling his best friend and his wife about it and he was saying things like he could see how he had been duplicating the relationship his father and mother had with me and that he hadn't been in a true relationship with me because he hadn't really seen me up until now and that now he wants to change and learn how to understand me, see me and share my world. We talked calmly for about two hours about his childhood, our relationship, his and mine difficulties, being in therapy etc and then we went on to have dinner, talking about other things, joking and laughing.   

We have also recently decided to live apart for now. Maybe a year, maybe less, maybe more. We're still very much a couple, but we're limiting the time we spend together and focusing on creating happy memories. In short, we'll see each other for a quick hello and a kiss during the day, but limit time spent together to Saturdays and Sundays. And even during the week end, we're still gonna sleep in our separate places.

And he said the most astonishing thing today. He gave me a hug and thanked me for having sent him a sms saying I love you and I'm thinking about you a few days ago, "because since I'm borderline, for me, when we're not together, it's quickly becomes we're not a couple. I feel everything in extremes"  So I validated and suggested a couple of ways to stay in contact and keep our bond strong without spending a lot of time together (ie good-night sms, or thinking-of-you-sms, bringing him his favourite cookies for our daily meet-up, suggesting something fun for the weekend etc). He was happy with that and we had a great day together.

Granted, we've only just started therapy, living apart etc, but I feel that so much have already changed from where we were a year ago and that we might be able to create something beautiful.

[Always hope]

Yay thank goodness for this thread! I know how hard lots of BPDers work to change. It's a super human effort and one that's so undervalued (as people think they are just 'behaving badly' - when really they have a disorder which makes regulating emotions so very difficult). Anyway, I just wanted to say that people with BPD can also have some amazing traits (just my experience). We hear so much about negative traits - what about positive ones like...

- Intelligent and quick witty

- Interesting

- Often attractive

- Good at their jobs (not all, but some)

- Very caring and very attuned to others emotions

- And for those that are trying so hard to change, and create a better life and relationships, I applaud your strength and courage. :-)

[Always hope]

Ps, I also think the reason there are few stories here is because when a BPDer gets better, their family members don't use the site as much? Just a thought!

[Inspirationneeded]

She used therapy words, !     . . . . and she isn't in therapy.

This may seem strange, but I smiled from ear to ear over the phone.  She was beating herself up over the phone about what I believed to be nothing.  I acknowledged that I saw how she could feel that way but from my perspective she was judging herself pretty harshly.  Then I just changed the subject.  She went along with the change and then out of the blue starts talking about needing to be more empathetic towards others.

I was thinking Dr.(insert name of her old theraptist), is that you?   I didn't say it, but it's the first thought that popped in my head.    

 

[tuum est61]

Inspirationee,

Your validation and changed response undoubtedly played a major part.