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Author Topic: Getting back on the saddle  (Read 2707 times)
turtlesoup
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« on: March 20, 2010, 03:58:38 PM »

Although my therapist has said she thinks its best i dont get involved with anyone for 6-12 months I had a very different opinion from my own mother who told me that I have to get back out there and just go on dates. See how I like these women, be open to seeing new girls.

Its a Saturday night and I've chosen, once again, not to booze, not to go out with girls, but to stay here. Ive had offers, I know I could be home with a beautiful woman tonight her laughing at my jokes, comforting me, accepting kindness... .

I know they say you're ready when you are ready, but I do feel lonely but I don't feel that its the right time. My mother is worried that this will be habit forming, she doesn't like to see me alone and depressed. Im not OK without a girlfriend, still not, even after this and therapy, I still feel lonely with friends. Its like I need another level of closeness, that level you have only with a partner, i just dont get that from friends.

Does anyone else feel this way?
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Tiredofit

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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2010, 04:08:08 PM »

Turtle,I feel that EXACT same way.I have even gone out on dates with great looking,kind,considerate women and have felt nothing.I have no doubt its because of my experience with the XBPD.Im still trying to figure out why though.I now choose to sit at home,alone and be lonely.I Hope in time it will change.
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2010, 04:12:58 PM »

Its probably the codependence kicking in. I was writing a little note to myself the other day having a whinge and I wrote that I am really tired of being the one that saves girls, that goes into their lives and makes things exciting, helps them, turns things around for them. Yet here I am, after what 15 years of that, on my own and who is saving me from my low time? I want someone to magically appear and whisk me away, sweep me off my feet for once you know. BAH! Maybe I was acting out what I wanted all along, who knows. I do know that im bored and alone again though. And its dull.
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2010
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« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2010, 05:00:52 PM »

It's possible that your Mom is projecting her own feelings onto you based on "tyrannical shoulds" that we *all* feel because we are programmed to do so.  

www.ptypes.com/shoulds.html

If the T is telling you to take a time out- please do so. This is so you can get at the very bottom of things. If you escape this process, you may miss a great opportunity to really dig deep and come out the other side with a renewed sense of self. Believe me, it's painful- but in the outcome of things, it's a life changing experience for the better.
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Discarded
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« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2010, 05:33:35 PM »

yo man- it's going to be boring. normal people are boring compared to borderlines.

the drama is intoxicating & addicting. the sex is crazy hot. the fun factor is over the

top. but it's literally too good to be true, as we all know. she was never really yours.

that hurts. but you can't hang with these people, because it's a road to nowhere. but

you're doing a good thing by looking inward & trying to identify what put you with that

person. you have to let go of your ego to do that. you're showing courage. & the universe

always rewards courage

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cali girl
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« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2010, 06:26:39 PM »

Its probably the codependence kicking in. I was writing a little note to myself the other day having a whinge and I wrote that I am really tired of being the one that saves girls, that goes into their lives and makes things exciting, helps them, turns things around for them. Yet here I am, after what 15 years of that, on my own and who is saving me from my low time? I want someone to magically appear and whisk me away, sweep me off my feet for once you know. BAH! Maybe I was acting out what I wanted all along, who knows. I do know that im bored and alone again though. And its dull.

ditto.  I too love to make people laugh, love the challenge of saving people.  I go around making people feel good about themselves and I've done this most of my life in relationships - the only "good" relationship I've been in was my very first... .my first boyfriend was incredible - I felt safe with him both physically and emotionally.  Fast forward many years and I have dug a hole so deep in the relationship department it's maddening - I have a complete laundry list  

I feel ya turtlesoup in that I have given this relationship 6 years of my life and am again, back at square one - I need a huge gap of time to heal and recover from what I've done to MY life... .I refuse to be in yet another dead end relationship, I expect to feel sad... .lonely... .whatever, I'm there and I hear you loud and clear.  I need to put in my time and put an end to the gawd awful choices I have made for myself and my kids - someone needs to rush in and save me for once! I'M DONE WITH MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE!

cheers to you, hang in there    
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2010, 06:34:29 PM »

Its probably the codependence kicking in. I was writing a little note to myself the other day having a whinge and I wrote that I am really tired of being the one that saves girls, that goes into their lives and makes things exciting, helps them, turns things around for them. Yet here I am, after what 15 years of that, on my own and who is saving me from my low time? I want someone to magically appear and whisk me away, sweep me off my feet for once you know. BAH! Maybe I was acting out what I wanted all along, who knows. I do know that im bored and alone again though. And its dull.

ditto.  I too love to make people laugh, love the challenge of saving people.  I go around making people feel good about themselves and I've done this most of my life in relationships - the only "good" relationship I've been in was my very first... .my first boyfriend was incredible - I felt safe with him both physically and emotionally.  Fast forward many years and I have dug a hole so deep in the relationship department it's maddening - I have a complete laundry list  

I feel ya turtlesoup in that I have given this relationship 6 years of my life and am again, back at square one - I need a huge gap of time to heal and recover from what I've done to MY life... .I refuse to be in yet another dead end relationship, I expect to feel sad... .lonely... .whatever, I'm there and I hear you loud and clear.  I need to put in my time and put an end to the gawd awful choices I have made for myself and my kids - I'M DONE WITH MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE!

cheers to you, hang in there    

  Thanks Cali Girl, Im a hangin! Couple more weeks and i go past the magical 100 days out and im hoping for a shawshank type moment (remember where he crawls thru the hit_ and comes out the other end arms aloft), thats me!
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O'Maria
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« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2010, 07:40:38 PM »

I got back into the dating scene by "accident", wasnt looking but started talking to a guy in the bar and we discovered we both had left a very troublesome r/s. And now we are dating, its 1 month now. He gave me the keys to his house and asked me to move in. Said he didnt want to be alone. His r/s ended last year but mine was on/off and ended just a couple of months ago. And on top of all this my ex wants to come back! I actually have two guys telling me that I am the most wonderful woman in the world.

What do you think? This new r/s started very fast. He is much more mature and very pleasant to be around. I noticed he likes to drink during the weekends so maybe thats a red flag. Its not BP this time, but its something else. Where are all the normal, balanced men in this world?
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2010, 07:43:44 PM »

I got back into the dating scene by "accident", wasnt looking but started talking to a guy in the bar and we discovered we both had left a very troublesome r/s. And now we are dating, its 1 month now. He gave me the keys to his house and asked me to move in. Said he didnt want to be alone. His r/s ended last year but mine was on/off and ended just a couple of months ago. And on top of all this my ex wants to come back! I actually have two guys telling me that I am the most wonderful woman in the world.

What do you think? This new r/s started very fast. He is much more mature and very pleasant to be around. I noticed he likes to drink during the weekends so maybe thats a red flag. Its not BP this time, but its something else. Where are all the normal, balanced men in this world?

Well thats one red flag but the "so big and red you could use to bait bulls" red flag is the moving in after 1 month doesnt want to be alone jobby.

Just go slow and remember all you've learned so far, at least you are primed for the red flags.

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harmony1
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« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2010, 07:52:21 PM »

I know I could be home with a beautiful woman tonight her laughing at my jokes, comforting me, accepting kindness... .

/quote]

yeah we would all like that.BUT you do need time to heal... mom well is being a mom   

do what you are comfortable with... heck I watched Fatal Attraction today... if you get weak... watch that 
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O'Maria
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« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2010, 10:38:19 PM »

The amazing thing is we don't argue like I did with my ex-BP bf who was irritated all the time. But of course I am careful, been thru 2 years of hell with my verbally abusive, crazy ex.
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cali girl
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« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2010, 10:53:25 PM »

o'maria, your talking about being with someone for one month?  I don't think you can tell much about someone in a month, you pretty much don't know anything about that person.  

If I were you I would be real careful - trying to jump in head first so soon isn't a great idea... .and this guy seems to be moving a little fast, which strikes me as weird and is a  |>

IMHO, disordered people like to move fast - at least my exBPD did... .come to think of it, so did I aaaargh.

take your time, don't rush things... .you don't want jump from one relationship to the next, your perception could be a little off from the last one.



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truthbeknown
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« Reply #12 on: March 21, 2010, 08:56:10 AM »

Turtle,

first i would like to say that i am feeling the same feelings in a way.  I go back in forth between:

i'm sad i didn't recognize what was going on and now i'm starting over after 20yrs.

i'm concerned that i will not find the "right" someone for me now.

I have little kids still and don't want to bring another woman figure into their lives right away.

I work too much and don't even know where i would meet someone and she works with 300 woman( many of who are on dating sites) so i feel like i can't get on there to find someone until divorce is complete but she is dragging it out.

and i think that maybe part of the healing is NOT wanting to even though you could.  I have met several woman that i consider friends and i think both would like to be more than that b/c of hints that they have dropped and as i evaluate my feelings, i think that i want to know how it is to be okay with myself without needing the intoxication of a dramatic relationship.  I think of things like: instead of focusing on the sexual aspect of intimacy- what kinds of things/traits would i like to have in a partner.  Ie.  what things could we share outside of physical contact/sex that would make my heart sing. 

All and all i just keep telling myself if i feel i "need" the closeness/intimacy then i need more time.  And i ask myself is it just the great sex i am missing or is it something more?  truth is, when i look back it wasn't that much other than the sex that i miss.  So i am doing things with my kids focusing on being a good dad, reading more, spending time working out etc.  Yet i still have periods where i go back to the "old patterns" of feeling that i need a relationship to make me whole. 
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juner
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« Reply #13 on: March 21, 2010, 11:09:17 AM »

ts, don't know how old you are, but as I approach my 49th birthday, I thank god for "dull." I finally see a pattern in my life where yeah, I found people with problems exciting, but there comes a time when peace and stability are treasured. Maybe I'm just battle-weary from life in general. I still like to listen to "crazy" stories - life is kind of crazy and so interesting, but I've promised myself not to get too close.

I don't blame my BPD experience for any of my codependent traits. They were there all along. Now, that I'm aware of those traits and I'm still healing, I'm careful around people who seem needy or have a weak sense of boundaries.

It sounds brutal, but I just gave a friend of two years the slip because all she does is yakkity-yak, talk, talk talk about the drama in her life and it feels like she uses me to validate her feelings (totally my fault as a codependent). When she recently said, "I'm such an idiot," I said nothing, let her own it, why argue. It felt strange, cause normally I would say "No you're not." But I'm sick of being everyone's quick fix. Lastly she didn't respect the one single boundary I set up - told her I couldn't chat at work anymore because I'm too busy - true. She phones anyway - so that's it. Couldn't believe how angry I was. Blocked my instant message feature at work to stop communication. I also re-did the red flag exercise and they were still popping up all over.

I'm seeing dysfunction in people from 50 feet away these days. Can't believe how guarded I am. I'm working hard on changing my ways - don't know if I'm going overboard or what.

But I've been hanging out with stable "boring" friends and it's been lovely - like a holiday.
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harmony1
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« Reply #14 on: March 21, 2010, 11:16:23 AM »

*sigh** to be in the saddle ... .I would think even tho... the saddle feels good    well we do need to be careful with the "next" relationship... .

as my momma told me... dont get yourself into something in 5 minutes that will take years to get out of...

I think if you love yourself... and your new partner respects you... they will give the time needed... they will wait... if not Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

I think it takes a good year or so... to really get to know anyone... you also dont truly know how they will be unless you live with them... .

just my thoughts... the saddle will be there...

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cali girl
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« Reply #15 on: March 21, 2010, 11:17:40 AM »

Now, that I'm aware of those traits and I'm still healing, I'm careful around people who seem needy or have a weak sense of boundaries.

Hey juner, the part about having a weak sense of boundaries is spot on.  My ex would NEVER stand up for himself and never confront anyone (except for me for things I didn't do) no matter what they did or said to him.  He would buy things he liked and the next minute give them away just to make someone else feel happy - I could never understand why he would just give away a new sweatshirt that he loved to his son - here you go son, now do you like me?  

I'm looking forward to the holiday from chaos... .just seems like the holiday is a long way away.  Glad you have made it, its a lot of hard work and I know I'll make it someday Smiling (click to insert in post)

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turtlesoup
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« Reply #16 on: March 21, 2010, 11:19:28 AM »

Im 30

Thanks for all these replies. Yesterday was just a terrible day for me really and I was in a slump but today Im feeling a lot better. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Today Im enjoying being on my own watching the football (real football not your type ;p  ) and in the sun. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Its not her so much as all im learning about myself and my string of unsuitable women culminating in the woman from hell. I had to look at myself eventually, just sometimes its not pretty!
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cali girl
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« Reply #17 on: March 21, 2010, 11:23:17 AM »

yup, yesterday was hard for me too - I think because it was overcast all day (weather guy called for the nicest weekend ever) and again today is overcast so far   

Ok, I need an order of sunshine with a side of healthy thinking today PLEASE!
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harmony1
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« Reply #18 on: March 21, 2010, 11:24:16 AM »

yeah turtle... thats a good place to be tho... looking at your past... when we start doing that... and posting here... and then lookin at the real dysfunction even in the single set... heck its flippin scary!

glad you are in a better place today... no rush... you are young Smiling (click to insert in post)  the saddle will still be a-waitin!
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #19 on: March 21, 2010, 11:25:29 AM »

yup, yesterday was hard for me too - I think because it was overcast all day (weather guy called for the nicest weekend ever) and again today is overcast so far   

Ok, I need an order of sunshine with a side of healthy thinking today PLEASE!

Sometimes I really wish we all lived in the same town. Would love to come over and cheer you up, shame its 10000 miles!
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cali girl
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« Reply #20 on: March 21, 2010, 11:26:53 AM »

you live 10,000 miles away from California?  now that is sacreligious - wishing you a wonderful day TS   
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #21 on: March 21, 2010, 11:29:28 AM »

London. Maybe its not that far. But its faaar.
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harmony1
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« Reply #22 on: March 21, 2010, 11:32:04 AM »

London. Maybe its not that far. But its faaar.

well we love ya on this side of the pond turtle  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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turtlesoup
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« Reply #23 on: March 21, 2010, 11:46:49 AM »

London. Maybe its not that far. But its faaar.

well we love ya on this side of the pond turtle  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

awwwww thanks harmony  x
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Dorian
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« Reply #24 on: March 21, 2010, 12:06:07 PM »

Although my therapist has said she thinks its best i dont get involved with anyone for 6-12 months I had a very different opinion from my own mother who told me that I have to get back out there and just go on dates. See how I like these women, be open to seeing new girls.

Its a Saturday night and I've chosen, once again, not to booze, not to go out with girls, but to stay here. Ive had offers, I know I could be home with a beautiful woman tonight her laughing at my jokes, comforting me, accepting kindness... .

I know they say you're ready when you are ready, but I do feel lonely but I don't feel that its the right time. My mother is worried that this will be habit forming, she doesn't like to see me alone and depressed. Im not OK without a girlfriend, still not, even after this and therapy, I still feel lonely with friends. Its like I need another level of closeness, that level you have only with a partner, i just dont get that from friends.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Yep. I do. I think I basically feel ok alone most of the time and I'm actually enjoying having a lot of time to myself. But I really miss the intimacy. I've always been a one-woman sort of guy because don't get a lot of satisfaction out of sex without intimacy.  If I enjoy having sex with a woman then I want to get closer and know that she's committed to me.

I'd go with your therapist's advice. You mother just doesn't want you to feel pain (as mothers will do). But your therapist knows what you need to really get better and not end up with another crap relationship.

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turtlesoup
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« Reply #25 on: March 21, 2010, 12:33:54 PM »

Although my therapist has said she thinks its best i dont get involved with anyone for 6-12 months I had a very different opinion from my own mother who told me that I have to get back out there and just go on dates. See how I like these women, be open to seeing new girls.

Its a Saturday night and I've chosen, once again, not to booze, not to go out with girls, but to stay here. Ive had offers, I know I could be home with a beautiful woman tonight her laughing at my jokes, comforting me, accepting kindness... .

I know they say you're ready when you are ready, but I do feel lonely but I don't feel that its the right time. My mother is worried that this will be habit forming, she doesn't like to see me alone and depressed. Im not OK without a girlfriend, still not, even after this and therapy, I still feel lonely with friends. Its like I need another level of closeness, that level you have only with a partner, i just dont get that from friends.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Yep. I do. I think I basically feel ok alone most of the time and I'm actually enjoying having a lot of time to myself. But I really miss the intimacy. I've always been a one-woman sort of guy because don't get a lot of satisfaction out of sex without intimacy.  If I enjoy having sex with a woman then I want to get closer and know that she's committed to me.

I'd go with your therapist's advice. You mother just doesn't want you to feel pain (as mothers will do). But your therapist knows what you need to really get better and not end up with another crap relationship.

Smiling (click to insert in post) I love my mother dearly but I think you're right. She doesnt like to see me so upset especially over the "******* of a woman". Awww mums, dontcha just love em! She does this with all her kids, we're all perfect... .and there's something else to tell the therapist.

I am with you, I don't sleep with women I don't feel a connection with, theres not many of us guys like that Dorian, at least thats what I see with my friends.
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Live and Grow
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« Reply #26 on: March 21, 2010, 12:40:44 PM »

oops wrong thread!




sorry
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goldenblunder
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« Reply #27 on: March 21, 2010, 12:48:58 PM »

I'm pretty miserable generally spending all of my time alone.  But I am concentrating on doing things that I couldn't do before.  Watching a lot of college basketball - as much as I want.  Eating what I want.  Sleeping as much or as long as I want.

I stayed home last night - Saturday night.  Well, I went to a bar and watched the last college basketball game, then went home early.  I have no interest in women, at this point.  No way would I be willing go get involved with another woman right now.  NO WAY.

My wife and I were really close in terms of always talking and keeping in touch throughout the day.  I miss that the most - the friend/comrade part.

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cali girl
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« Reply #28 on: March 21, 2010, 01:53:15 PM »

yup, can relate goldenblunder... .what I miss the most is that my ex was the EASIEST person I could talk to, we could talk about anything and everything - we were best friends, simply put.  that is his best defense when he sends the re-engagement email, he touches on that stuff, because it really meant the world to both of us - that's where he becomes human and where I get choked up.

I so much know better, he can be a great conversationalist, and at the same time have BPD.

I will spend most nights and weekends alone and will learn to love it  
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Dorian
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« Reply #29 on: March 22, 2010, 09:37:10 AM »

Smiling (click to insert in post) I love my mother dearly but I think you're right. She doesnt like to see me so upset especially over the "******* of a woman". Awww mums, dontcha just love em! She does this with all her kids, we're all perfect... .and there's something else to tell the therapist.

I am with you, I don't sleep with women I don't feel a connection with, theres not many of us guys like that Dorian, at least thats what I see with my friends.

Not a lot of guys like us, I know. Sometimes I wish that I was less emotionally oriented. It would be a whole lot easier, but it's not me.
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