The excuses they give for going AWOL

[js friend]

Hi to all.

I have been on this site for a while now and havent seen this post anywhere else and iam curious.

When your pwBPD or expwBPD first went missing for maybe a day,a week ,a month etc  and didnt contact you during this absence and then suddenly reappeared, what reason did they have for disappearing and for having  NC with you?

I remember the first time my expwBPD disappeared.It was for a week.I rang him constantly and could get no answer.It just rang.I honestly thought something bad had happened to him.When he eventually answered it he said that he had been admitted to hospital with chest pains.I was so trusting then then,that I didnt even ask him which hospital.I was just relieved that he was ok.  

He went missing for many periods of time after that,so many that I lost count,and he refused to offer an explanation of where hed been towards the end of the relationship.

[DAS]

 There was one time when I didn't see or hear from mine for four days before we started living together.

I think the excuse was that she wasn't feeling well. Who knows - I contacted a friend of hers on the morning of the third day who said she had just heard from the exBPDgf. I didn't hear from her till the next day. As I said *shrug*.

She was never gone for more than a few hours once she started living with me. She'd go cause her rage got triggered and would usually be better when she got back.

[ron7127]

I tracked my XW's absences in 1994, to see if I was imagining things. In 6 months, she was out until after midnight 112 nights. We had two toddlers, one disabled, at home. She did not show up for Christmas dinner at her sister's house on time, and my boys and I could not explain where she was.

Bottom line, she claimed to be journaling and working on her demons. In fact, she was drinking and having affairs by the score with strangers.

[Manon46]

Well first time his great disappearance act ... .

We agreed to go to the movies coming up weekend...

two days later I found out he moved with his ex and kids to the other side of the country... .

He stayed away for 6 months...

When he came back with all beautifull promises, we got married,at first he didn't do anything without me...

Later on he often made all kinds of arguements to get out of the house, stayed away for hours...

If i asked where he has been, he would say it was none of my business... .at the time I had no idea what he was doing

now it makes me sick thinking of what he was doing... .  

[turtlesoup]

I never got a real explanation. I was just told that bad things happened when I wasn't there and she told me piles of crap like she had been arrested or raped or both, that people had broke into her house. Unfortunately my exBPD lets people into her house who steal things from her. Seriously. She gets herself into really bad situations and only later re-emerges to tell me about them. Im to blame for them happening and im also not allowed to report it!  As I said, im pretty sure mine is BPD plus some other problems.

The latest I heard, despite the fact we were together two years and I was just about to move in is that "i had no right to count time apart" and that she thought it was weird that I would be bothered that I didn't hear from her in 3 weeks. Majorly f----ked up woman.

[Beast98]

The first time was poetic... .About 6 months in, we went to dinner and then back to her place in Mexico to spend the night. It was the first time she ever wore clothes to bed, and also the first time we didn't have sex. She said her stomach was bothering her, though it seemed just fine at dinner. Then in the morning she said I needed to go home because she was going to church/brunch with her daughter. Then her phone was turned off for 10 hours. She said she was out of range.

I later found out that her exbf was in town, so she picked him up at the border immediately after rolling out of bed with me and spent the afternoon at some mexican notel. Nice! She now says that I shouldn't worry about her cheating on me with him because he was lousy in bed.

[turtlesoup]

She now says that I shouldn't worry about her cheating on me with him because he was lousy in bed.

?

This is the kind of logic I just don't get!

[Beast98]

TS, if you look at it as logic, you never will.   

[poppybb]

She now says that I shouldn't worry about her cheating on me with him because he was lousy in bed.

?

This is the kind of logic I just don't get!

i know , this logic used to really make me feel so confused .

only recently after i had read an email to a woman he had been dating ,but they were fighting ,  in it he said a lot of bad stuff , anyway , but there was a sentence in it that said " if were going to be togetther " .you have to change this that etc ... .i pulled him up on it and said your a f... .liar , look what you've written ( he was trying to woo me back , hence me reading it , to ascertain his intentions ))he said that doesn't mean i want to be with her , its a theroretical sentence , like if we were , this would have to happen etc ... i said yes , but by saying 'if you were' it says to her your still interested ... .he didn't get that he kept saying i am reading out of context etc ... .im not crazy am i , what he wrote doesnt have logic ... .

[Beast98]

He meant it exactly as he said it. 

She used to have what she called male 'friends', that she communicated with regularly. And when I'd find that communication and confront her with it, she would throw it back and start talking about my 'female' friends, making me out to be the bad guy. When I responded that my female friends know I'm with her and respect that I'm in a committed relationship, unlike her, who without exception led these guys to think that she COULD be available to them, thereby promoting the pursuits that fed her insatiable ego... .She didn't get it. Many times I asked her what would happen if I was doing what she was doing and the answer was always the same... ."I'd leave you!".

They're delusional. There is no personal responsibility taken for any of their actions. Their evil deeds are only evil if someone else does them. How the hell can you keep up with that mindset?

[2010]

How the hell can you keep up with that mindset?

You can't.

It is the byproduct of a neglected childhood. Left on their own- they were alone and waiting for someone to come through the door. But what came through the door was always going someplace- and never stayed. What came through the door *always* left.

So as an Adult, they are constantly looking, constantly. The person who does come through the door and stays- is not believed.

BPD is a failure to see the people who stay as a solution to the problem, an end game, so to speak. People with BPD cannot recognize their irrational fear that people leave them- so they are constantly on the search for replacement people to offset the feelings of anxiety- and fear of being alone. That is why the disorder is so heinous- because they push away the people who love them and long for the people who dont (yet.) It's a cycle.

It is an endless cycle of trust, broken trust and mistrust all to fend off their feelings of abandonment.  There is no logic- everything they do stems from calming the feeling of neglect. Even their own ego suffers from it- without others, they do not exist emotionally. The constant state of coming and leaving keeps them in a state of equilibrium. Unfortunately for the rest of us- it causes chaos.

Is it evil? It certainly would qualify for a living Hell. Do they do it on purpose? Yes, it is a disorder. Can you help them? Not unless they help themselves. It is a disorder that goes so deep, so far back in time that only the most astute Human being would be able to unravel the puzzle without some effort of self examination.

Unfortunately, none of us can do it for them. And therein lies the rub.

[Lindylou]

Very well put 2010. My belief as well

Lindy Lou

[Tippy]

Mine disappeared constantly, never answered phones, turned his phone off at times, when I went round his house as I got upset as to where he was his car wasnt there.  He never ever made an explanation as to where he was... .just out and about.  3 months after we finally split I found out the dreaded truth... .he was seeing many other women, one of them he moved in the next day after he dumped me.

You will never ever find a reason for all of this, they truly are a bunch of sadly damaged fruit loops.  I would rather stick pins in my eyes then ever to have to deal with these martian, alien beings ever again.  He is still ing at the mad pace they try to do... .it means nothing to me anymore... .hurrah!

[Want2know]

So as an Adult, they are constantly looking, constantly. The person who does come through the door and stays- is not believed.

BPD is a failure to see the people who stay as a solution to the problem, an end game, so to speak. People with BPD cannot recognize their irrational fear that people leave them- so they are constantly on the search for replacement people to offset the feelings of anxiety- and fear of being alone. That is why the disorder is so heinous- because they push away the people who love them and long for the people who dont (yet.) It's a cycle.

So true.

That's why I just want to shake my ubpbf and say "what is the matter with you... .don't you realize I love you and want to be with you"?  He just doesn't think anyone could love him, or as he says "I love the idea of him"... .meaning, I can't possibly love the true him because he thinks he is worthless underneath it all.  That is truly sad.  And, yes, he has pushed me away.

To go back to the original post, mine disappeared only once in the 2+ years we've been living together, and it was a couple of weeks ago.  I had gone back and forth with him with notes that we left each other throughout the day (I had to be at work), and then when I finally got home, he had left me a nasty note and didn't come home or call till the next morning. 

He disappeared because of my initial note asking him what his plans were about getting a job (I had asked him for 3 months to do something to bring money in for expenses).  I was generally supportive and trying not being a "button-pusher" in the note, but I did say that his lack of action implied that he had made a decision about our future, meaning him not bringing any money in was saying that he didn't care about our stability together.  Looking back on it, that line could have been enough to set him off, but actually it could have been anything.

When he finally came home, he had been out drinking all night at a friends (as far as I know), slept in his truck in a park around the corner and was in no shape to talk much.  He was pretty quiet, and I was just happy he was home because he's threatened and attempted suicide enough that I was nervous (based upon the content of his note).  Plus, him drinking and driving is not good.  We sat in silence mostly, and watched tv.  Of course the next day, he got a job.  Unfortunately, him getting a job didn't change anything in our relationship as I had initially hoped.  At least he has the means to support himself now, so that is a good thing.

[js friend]

Another time my expwBPD said that he had switched off his phone because he had NO CREDIT.This didnt make sense to me then,and 6 months later Im still trying to work that 1 out.They are such liars- and not even very good at it! ?

[TonyC]

quote after a nine month vaproization

"i dont know? it was the voices"

[Beast98]

Quote 11 months after leaving me for another man... ."You and (my exw) abandoned me".

Our daughter was dying and going through life threatening surgery out of state. ExBPDgf was immigrating at the time and couldn't leave a 50 mile radius. She pruposely started a fight the night before I left and went to work in the morning without saying goodbye. When I got home 10 days later she was living with another guy.

Yeah, evil is a word that comes to mind.

[Manon46]

It still goes far above my imagination what these people can actually do and say... I don't even believe anymore that they can feel something what comes near to love... I am sorry Beast, it must have been horrifying to you ... x

[Beast98]

Thanks manon... .Love for them is a day to day thing. Case in point, 2 weeks before she moved in with fugly was our 3 year anniversary. She wrote me an e-card. This is what it said... .

My Love,

One thousand and ninty-five days ago this evening will be very sweet milestone for US. I cannot tell you how happy I have been about the level of stableness we've shared in the past few weeks. It's sort of made the three years worth hanging in there.

I have felt that in this recent time we have unfolded into a more mature state and I really like what I see.

The concert yesterday was nice, but not as sweet as watching you 'shake your booty'! I look forward to tonight and more celebrating.

Besitos

You can't reason with crazy.   

[DAS]

Thanks manon... .Love for them is a day to day thing. Case in point, 2 weeks before she moved in with fugly was our 3 year anniversary. She wrote me an e-card. This is what it said... .

Mine bought me a card for example Valentine's... .I wasn't expecting one - she'd been nasty to me the week before. I don't have it anymore - I wrote LIES on it and threw it out with the rest of her stuff but the message was something like

"Thank you for all the support you've given me over this difficult period. I don't know how I would have made it without you."

And this was followed by three more weeks of increasing nastiness from her and culminated in guy sleeping in my bed less than a month later.

You can't reason with crazy.  

Yep.

[Manon46]

It sure makes you wonder why we even spent one second thinking about them...

I would have treaten my dog better than what they are doing... .God... .sickmaking sick sick people  

[Beast98]

I DO treat my dogs better than she treated me. (Including the 2 she abandoned with me) 

[Manon46]

Yeah... .we are the crazy ones, must be

[heromyth]

From the other side of this, I pose a question: Isn't it unhealthy to always have to answer to your partner when you're absent for a day or two?

I have a tendency to drop out suddenly with no contact when it comes to friends, family and otherwise.  I'm sure it makes people nervous, but I do try my best to warn people that I'm like that.  I've always been that way to some extent, but it gets a lot worse with PTSD and general overwhelm, since I get stressed easily.

I don't feel borderline, though with my ex I did start to act just like it in response to his treatment.  At times I'd shut off the phone most of the day, and he'd get worried I was giving him the silent treatment.  Well, I was, but I was fed up with the pendulum of "now I want you, now I don't"; still, that were some of the times I did lie and tell him my phone had shut itself off.

I have to say, for the most part he was ok with getting back to texts and keeping in contact, unless he was in one of his depressed moods, or with a new interest.  When I was with him, I saw him do the same thing with friends, until I actually ended up contacting one of his friends and apologizing for him, since said friend was starting to call him names for never responding.  I wish I could remember the excuse he gave, but I actually chewed him out for it.  That night, he was talking to the friend about how he felt like he suddenly didn't want to be with me because he was "too gay" (the friend is a gay friend, also with some major issues, who hates bisexuals).  This was after he had quite enjoyed himself for the last week with me with no problems at all.

I think I do understand the mindset pretty well.  It doesn't stop me from getting angry about it, though.

[Manon46]

IMO, yes it seem kind of strange to me if my husband or wife will disappear for a few days without saying or explaining something... .the least one could say is... i am out for a couple of days... too much too handle overhere... need a time off...

[Beast98]

Specifically with my exBPDgf, that would never fly. She's a proven liar and cheat. Why on earth would I say 'Ok, have a ball', knowing she'd only do that if there was someone else involved. If it's innocent, tell me why. That's (I think) how healthy relationships work. Not 'I'm outta here. See ya in a couple of days'. IMO.

[turtlesoup]

I think it depends on how close you were and what she had been saying beforehand. Mine would drop out for weeks at a time, we took a couple of days apart now and then of course to do other things, that was natural and normally we knew what the other way doing.

It actually felt controlling when she would drop off the face of the earth, i'd be worried and I didn't like to feel that, especially knowing with hindsight she was probably with someone else. Is that fair? If she had told me she was doing that I'd have left immediately.

[heromyth]

I know the very definition of a BPD relationship is lack of trust, so it would make sense a day or two of no contact would be very stressful.  I'm wondering if for some it's just the overload they experience, rather than going on a cheating-spree.

When my ex would give me the silent treatment, it was usually when he was trying to hide something out of shame, guilt and fear, if it wasn't a punishment.  He's started to go against his own morals, so it makes sense.  I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that anxiety-provoking behaviour anymore.

[2010]

I pose a question: Isn't it unhealthy to always have to answer to your partner when you're absent for a day or two?

It's the "answering" that implies a question. Where are they? What are they doing? Why dont they call?

You see, BPD is fraught with Passive Aggression. They cannot trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. Most of them use one or the following: (not to be confused with setting healthy boundaries)

Ambiguity or speaking cryptically: a means of engendering a feeling of insecurity in others.

Chronically being late and forgetting things: another way to exert control or to punish.

 

Making chaotic situations and then leaving others to clean them up and worry about their impulsive behavior.

Making excuses for bad behavior.

Victimization response: instead of recognizing one's own weaknesses, they have a tendency to blame others for own failures.

Fear of dependency and hermit like behavior that makes them run hot and cold.

The BPD Queen has a Fear of competition, and puts everyone else down by Sulking and refusing to talk when disappointed.  

Fear of intimacy as a means to act out anger. Push/Pull.

Each one of these implies a target victim and an adult who, beneath the seductive veneer, harbors vindictive intent. Martin Kantor suggests three areas that contribute to passive-aggressive anger in individuals: conflicts about dependency, control, and competition.

Dependency = Waif/ Witch

Control = Witch/ Queen

Competition = Queen/ Hermit

BPD Men and Women both fall into these categories.

[heromyth]

That's a good sum-up and rundown, 2010.  Thanks for that. :D