SURVEY | Break-up/make-up cycles

[Skip]

Seventy-three (73%) of relationships do not end at the first or second break-up.

Okay.  
 
For a wife to have second thoughts about a divorce is normal. For a person to want to leave the door partially open is common insecurity – it makes the leaving not so scary. To reconnect with a person after a split 1-2 times is not unusual.  
 
It becomes a problem when there are more than 2-3 break-up/make-ups.  Many of our members (including me) have been in this unhealthy place.   ;p
 
If we have been caught in our own break-up/make-up cycle, it is time that we sit down and analyze why we keep returning to the relationship.
 

• Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them or are we returning to this relationship because it feels safe?  

• Are we afraid to be alone?  

• Do we have abandonment issues?  

• Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again (a hard one to admit, but I’ve read it many times)?  

• Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)

These are the questions we need to answer if we ever want the break-up/make-up cycle to end.
 
Recovering the relationship: The ability to end the cycles and stay in a relationship takes a deep commitment to change. We can't continue to approach the relationship in the same way and expect a different outcome.  
 
Leaving the relationship: The power to end the relationship and end the toxic break-up/make-up cycles lies with us.  Moreover, it doesn't help us to blame it on our partner. That assumes they have power over us.  Besides, if you have repeatedly returned you both have helped to condition this behavior as "normal" for the relationship.
 
So, tell us about your toxic break-up/make-up cycles. (why did you return, how often, what ultimately ended the recycling).  This maybe a hard one to answer – but worth trying.
 
Skippy


See list of all romantic relationship surveys

[Skip]

For me, it was like that Lenny Bruce bit:

Lenny Bruce: I couldn't take it anymore, so I finally did it. After everything, all the misery, the fighting, and the lies, I finally, finally broke away from her.

Steve Allen: How did you do it?

Lenny Bruce: She left me.

Thanks for this great one Kenneth.

Here is a graphic after 600 votes... .


                  Break-up/make-up cycles



              Single break-up (no recycles) is 10%

[confused!!!]

Amen to that: she finally left me!  The trick is not to want her back.

I've been in an off and on relationship with udxBPDSO for 2+ years.  Break-ups (5 or 6 to date) have usually come from me trying to enforce a boundary. I state boundary she breaks up. Following "proper" protocol... .I've allowed her to go NC and then when she's come back, I've taken her back. I've basically allowed the pattern. Thing is... .no matter what is discussed at the time of the making up period... .she forgets about it as time goes by. This time... .I finally get that it's part of the pattern, the repeat cycle. And I'm tired, really tired of it. I'm tired of being shut out for... .no apparent reasons other than she getting angry for... .no apparent reason. I'm tired of being in a relationship that is like a broken record: honeymoon period, angry/depressive period, emotional void period, NC period, coming out of NC, push start button and there we go again.

I've done a lot of recovery work, therapy, etc. during these past two years.

This last NC has come at a time when I myself am physically quite sick. And so I literally have no energy to focus my attention on anyone but myself. And lo and behold... .it's been a blessing in disguise. I can finally see things for what they are. Some, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit to them.  Seems I'm guilty of being totally in love with... .her looks. With how she responds to me... .in bed. I'm afraid of not finding someone else like that. I'm staying because of... .some really superficial things. And... .there's also a repeating pattern for me... .I've been... .boundary-less. Certain relationships cause me to become a... .doormat.  As I move forward on my own recovery path, working on myself, learning about healthy boundaries and enforcing them, etc. I know that if I had been at this stage when I met her... .I would have ended things long ago.

She once told me not to give up on her. That tugs at my heart strings. And at my sense of compassion. But... .

I recently re-read some of the posted literature... .and one of the messages that stands out: a person involved with someone with mental illness needs to be in a very good healthy place themselves (mentally, physically, emotionally), before they can take it on. I am not in that place. Far from it. I need to bow out of the dysfunction dance so I can take care of me.

thanks for this thread. Helps me unravel some of the messy thinking and figure out some healthy pathways for myself.

[holden_caulfield]

Really good topic, Skip!  I had to think long and hard as to which relationship I wanted to comment on, and the one I least like to think or talk about any longer, and probably the most damaging one to me over time, is probably the most appropriate one for your question.

This relationship started when I was 13 and she was 14 and became an on again, off again throughout my life and well into adulthood.  Thinking back from that time, I can recount at least 10 times over the course of our lives (25 year history) that we were together and then broke up, after something significant would happen.  It was always her who initiated through  crisis which brought us back together; It was always her drama that broke us apart (cheating, lying, enmeshment, abandonment, self destructive behaviors).  In between those 10 or so get together/break-ups, sometimes many years would pass.  Sometimes it was months.  In the end, the actual relationship aspect of it never lasted more than 6 to 9 months, but sometimes less.  

Considering the why's are difficult.  I always thought that we were some kind of star crossed lovers; meant to be together but timing was always wrong.  I mistook each of her subsequent engagements with me and the placing of me upon a pedestal each time, as evidence of this, and of our love for one another.  Little did I realize at the time that I was merely playing the role of savior to whatever had happened to her at that point in time in her life.  

I was never alone.  In fact, quite the contrary.   I was a revolvong door of relationships.  I would move from one to the other with ease.  Always had one lined up before the last one ended.  So most likely yes, I had a fear of being alone. Somewhere along the line, I was taught very well how to survive for myself.   I would also say that this tied to my deep rooted abandonment issues stemming from childhood.  I was adopted at 3 months old by my parents.  At age two, my Father left my Mother for another woman, and left her to raise me and my brother (who was an infant at the time).  My mother then had my grandparents keep me and my brother alot so she could go out and forget aboiut the pain she was dealing with. Our grandparents raised both of us.  They were good people and they did their best, but the damage had already been done.  

Fear of never finding someone as good as them again?  I thought so at one time.  Most definitely.  However; I have come to realize now that it was more to do with how they made me feel about myself, rather than how good they actually were.  In hindsight and in this relationship in particular; when I felt needed and wanted, I felt good about ME.  No more, no less.  This, like the majority of relationships I have had throughout my life have followed this pattern; but knowing what I know today about myself, realize none of them have been good partners to nor for me.  

My next step has been to find myself and learn as much as I can about who I am and why I am the person I have become today.  I am on that journey now.  No fear.  No loneliness, no regrets; just determination.  I do not want to continue the same cycles of abuse... . TO MYSELF.  

Having said all of this, I want to come full circle on the relationship I chose to use as a frame of reference for this topic.

In the end, our last hoorah lasted approximately 9 months.  After she Raged on me (in front of children), I decided to end the friendship/relationship for good.  That night ended in her calling the police on me (because I hid her prescription medication from her) and my leaving the house with the children leaving her there to explain to the police why she called.)  I dissolved the relationship and she tried to reengage me afterwards a few times.  I responded one time... . and it was very short, and hurtful.

Several months after I dissolved the relationship, I heard from her one last time through an email.  She apologized for what she put me through throughout my life and stated that she loved more deeply than I could ever imagine.  She said "You were the one that got away".  I did not respond.  I received a call two days later from an old mutual friend who I had not talked to in years.  She committed suicide.  I later found out that she did so only hours after writing to me.  How did it finally end?  Sadly.  

I have learned to accept my part in the vicious cycle of this long, twisted relationship.  I have also come to see in the many, many interim relationships I have had throughout the years the similar struggles that mirror aspects of this one in particular.  And although I am still attracted to these BPD character traits in others, and they seem to seek me out with the same fervor…  I have learned to spot it and try and avoid it, as best I can.  Of course, each day is a journey and a struggle to not allow myself to choose that road.

[Want2know]

Our first break up/make up was 2 and a half months into the relationship... .right around Valentines Day.  That lasted 2 weeks.  The second one was about a year and a half into the relationship... .that lasted 3 days.  This one is for good.  No ifs, ands or buts.

There is the possibility that we may hook up again... .but, just for sex or common friendship activities - I'm not going to be naive to say this might not happen.  I am still very attracted to him on a sexual level, and knowing him, somewhere down the line, he will pursue this with me. 

I, however, will NEVER take him back as a partner.  I am 100% sure of that.  I see the light now regarding who he is and what he is not.  He's a good man, but not good relationship material AT ALL!

[Kenneth]

Lenny Bruce: I couldn't take it anymore, so I finally did it. After everything, all the misery, the fighting, and the lies, I finally, finally broke away from her.

Steve Allen: How did you do it?

Lenny Bruce: She left me.[/size]

Yes. And thank you, Lenny Bruce!

And for me it was third time she left me--and I was determined not to go back. The first two times she left me were similar (leaving me suddenly, claiming she loved me): irrational and filled with mixed messages. And after these break-ups, I did everything I could to win her back. I noticed, on this third abandonment, that the pain was even worse. Each break-up/make-up I only became more enmeshed, more "in love."

As confused mentions, we allow this pattern; we are part of it.

And because I still hear from her every so often, because she still e-mails, I realize that I could still be part of the cycle if I wished to.

The break-up/make-up cycles are, indeed, addicting. Life with the BPD takes on such an intensity, and make-up sex, in particular, is a heightened experience--but I realized, in retrospect, that I didn't necessarily need the push/pull behavior to achieve that degree of passion.

But the BPD/NON dynamic can become almost like life in a war zone--the good and bad are equally intense, and we don't even realize "reality" has slipped from our experience. That is, the insanity becomes normalcy, and we are caught in the cycle. We have become obsessed.

It's like we've wrestled with death when we finally break out of it. As Marlow in Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness says, "The most you can hope from it is some knowledge of yourself--that comes too late--a crop of inextinguishable regrets." This might not sound so cheerful on my part to quote Conrad here, but it does seem apt. Our attempts to disengage are not easy stuff.

[GCD145]

I voted "other" because there was only one break-up, it was final, and it occurred after nearly 20 years of tumultuous scenes and threats of breaking up.

In my case, many of the factors that Skip listed were at play.  He did not mention one that is very important, in my opinion, which is a feeling of responsibility for the pwBPD.  Particularly if the pwBPD is low functioning, concern about what will happen to them can play a very important role in the dynamic. 

GCD145

[Skip]

one that is very important, in my opinion, which is a feeling of responsibility for the pwBPD.  Particularly if the pwBPD is low functioning, concern about what will happen to them can play a very important role in the dynamic.

Thanks for adding this.

[gotsomebaggage]

Well, this is a great topic, but one which makes me feel quite sick to the stomach. I haven't broken up with my ex 2 or 3 times, or 5 or 6 times... .to be honest, I have no idea how many times, but it would be in the 30+ range. It's quite sickening to admit that, having looked at the results of the poll. I feel like such a pathetic fool.

I suppose my uBPDxgf really had me cornered. I am British, and I was living in Korea (she is Korean). She managed to isolate me from ny friends, and I was obviously far away from my family. Everytime we broke up I had nothing... .no friends, no family and in a foreign country. I had a job with a contract that I couldn't just leave and go home. Every time she came back it was such a relief not to be on my own again. Everytime I thought she would change or it would be better. Even after 30 break-ups I was stupid enough to think that she would change, or that I could prevent the break-up by not upsetting her.

Eventually, during one break-up, she decided to book to go to Australia on a one-year working holiday. After all, for the previous 3 years it had been me who had prevented her from doing it and I was preventing her from living a full and happy life and restricting her freedom. So she finally found the courage to do it. Of course, she came back to me a few weeks before she left. But she still got on that plane. A few weeks after, my work unexpectedly came to an end, and I was free to leave and I came home.

Last thing I heard, she was happier than ever, because she had a job, she had foreign friends, language exchange partners blah blah blah... .these were all things that I could have provided her with, and did, but she refuse or turned her back on it.

I do think I love her. After a time, I think it became a habit.

Now I just hate her.

In November she will return to Korea, and she will find herself alone again. I expect  she will try to contact me then and tell me how much she misses me... .

[peacebaby]

I don't usually post in this forum, but the link at the top of every other page suggested this question wants answers from all posters.

In almost 9 years, my partner and I have never broken up. She's got BPD and I'm not 100% healthy, but we've never really wanted to break up, or gone through with stupid ideas we've come up with when arguing. We've talked about it a lot, but never done it. We both have this belief that we're really right together, and if we can make it through her recovery from BPD, we can make it through anything.

Peacebaby

[Steph]

  We split up once, for about a year.

He left me after getting healthy in DBT and I did not get healthy.

When we were apart, we had a therapeutic separation, we both got help and we had help together.

We reconciled in 2008, almost two yrs ago, and things are amazing.


  Steph

[Satori1964]

OK folks, I'm on the extreme side of the spectrum.  We must have broken on and off well over 10 times over the 2 years and nine months we have known each other... .I know... .it was really sick, beyond toxic... .and yes, I was an enabler in this emotional quagmire... .Our honeymoon lasted six months and ended almost immediately after I told her as to how I felt about her... .that is were the push and pull started... .at first I could not figure out why she acted the way she did... .I got increasingly frustrated with her and angry at myself and could understand why I kept going back... .I kept looking for love and the woman I fell in love with... .from the start I knew intellectually that she had deep seeded emotional problems and could not meet my needs, yet emotionally I would not accept the fact of who she is ... .She treated me like dirt and I refused to see it that way... .I kept thinking, hoping, wishing, praying that she would love me the way she 'loved' me during the honeymoon phase... .and kept wishing that she would return to the woman I fell in love with... .  I was in deep denial and always kept thinking about the good side of her... .  all throughout, I never ended up thinking about myself... .and eventually I lost complete sight of myself... .

I finally experienced an emotional breakdown... .  that was exactly a year ago... .  I was drained and could not go any further... .I decided to get professional help and ended up on anti-depressants for three months... .  that's when somebody suggested that she may be BPD... .I distinctly remember coming across an article about a husband who had written about his wife of 10 years who she turned out to be BPD... .I cried so hard because for the first time I felt I had some real answers... .I decided then to go LC first and started doing some serious work on myself... .I did a ton of research on BPD and eventually came across this board... .my exuBPDgf did one more push and pull on me at end of Aug'09, where I caught myself again reacting the way I did over the last two years but this time it was different... .I realized what it was all about... .I stepped further back from the relationship... .she noticed it and tried to lure me back a couple of times with no success... .  I stood my ground... .  last December she invited me out for my 'birthday dinner' where she finally raged all over me in the restaurant... .I sensed she was angry that I was stepping back and did not commit myself to her... .at the very end, while she was still blabbering, I looked at her one more time and then finally saw who she is... .a deeply insecure, angry, bitter, unforgiving, narcissistic woman who has deep seeded emotional problems... .I saw through her and emotionally accepted that fact and let her go... .  I got up and walked out of her life once and for all... .  I have not been in contact with her since... .

Knowing who she is was one thing, truly accepting it was something else. It was an incredibly painful experience but I had to go through the motions. In hint sight it was a blessing in disguise because I have learned so much about myself as to who I really am and that, my friends, is not a bad thing... .

Ciao

[TonyC]

i cant tell you how many times we broke up... .every time the same cycle...

break up over something... minor (so i thought)... followed by the me entering a productive life again... followed by the call, the visit... the voice mail... .and the honey moon  and again... the cycle...

but see... .after all i saw or felt... cards on the table... i should have bailed at the first break up... and not looked back... .each time i painted the break up to suit me... .and i knew to much... but each reconcliation... .i attacked it differently... or apprached the disorder differently... diiferent boundaries... different techniques... .

i was going to fix. her... and i went against out teachings... and studies... took me five years to finally get it... actually  5 years and the sixth tear without out her i put it all together...

my ex was a card carrying borderline... .and if you asked her what do you suffer from she would tell you... and times it was her excuse... to conducted  like an 16 y/0 and she was 45?

she was going to all the therapies... and the meds , and dbt...

why... ? i dont know... i think she just had time to kill... .wasnt doin her any good...

and today... she still conduct herslelf the same... .but without me...

[eeyore]

I've had two official breakups with my BF over the past two and a half years.  We've had many disagreements.  But as time goes on I can see it could be fleas from his ex. 

[PDQuick]

This is a great learning topic, and tool for those of us that struggled in this very subject.

I, for one, voted 10+ times. The number will never really be known, for I never went to college, thus, never learned to count quite that high.  

I see there are a few of us that are less than enthused by our own admissions. Some of us are actually embarrassed. Im here to urge you not to be. There are several dynamics that lead us into recycling. Recycling is to cycle again and again into the same dynamics and situations. We have a workshop on this very topic.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0

I am a recovered recycler, and Im darn proud of having the ability to see my role in it, and understanding the dynamics at play.  

[eeyore]

I appreciate your sense of humor.  

[Benny]

This may seem like an odd question and hard to answer but I had never really tried to figure it out before but,for some reason thought I would.

I have an inquisitive nature so I did it matematically,number of years together multiplied by weeks in a year minus number of weeks she spent with other lovers minus number of weeks in between breaking up and reuniting divided by the average 7 week breakup cycle = 46.85 give or take a few,settle on 40,phew!lol!... talk about pye theory!

So having arrived at 40 I was thinking,gee thats like being involved in 40 car accidents,being mugged 40 times,going into a battle 40 times,going to jail 40 times or being involved in a number of other traumatic events 40 times.

So having to deal with all of the emotional trauma involved in any of the above, 40 times, its no wonder we end up damaged,traumatised and show symptoms of PTSD and have to work really hard to overcome it all and why it can take a long,long time to recover.

I know we dont need numbers to gauge ourselves against,there is no emotion in numbers,numbers are irrelevant in the big picture of what weve endured.

Personally I found it an interesting excercise,others might too,so there it is.

[PotentiallyKevin]

At least a dozen MAJOR breakups - usually lasting 1 - 2 weeks. And a plethora of minor breakups - which include the half-ass ones - usually only lasting hours to a couple of days.

My friends and family were so sick of hearing me whine about breaking up, and how that this was "FOR REAL" this time, that they just began to roll there eyes. I guess this is one of the reasons why my support system was piss poor when we finally did break up - I had cried wolf enough times, that when the wolf reared its ugly face, no one believed me.

[Outoftime44]

Broke up maybe 6-7 in the last 6 months, before the grand finale.

Mainly I would have panic attack/ tell her something she didn't want to hear/ lose my cool.  She would break up with me.  It would work itself out.

[hazmo]

first time she left me for 3 months

came back acting like nothing had happened

second time she left me for 4 months

came back acting like nothing had happened

third time, well, she never came back.  I'm convinced she is not coming back.  Her behavior this time was much more outrageous and unacceptable.  It's been 8 months.

I'm trying to move on.  Not easy.  If she did come back I'm afraid I'd just stare at her because I want a good look at Satan's daughter

[Chasing Daylight]

We lived together for two years with maybe two major arguments, then two weeks after we married, we argued every day and broke up every month for a year and half until I initiated no contact three weeks ago.  It was like the safety of marriage gave her the right to start obligating me, manipulating me, and disregarding all boundaries.  It felt like a bait-and-switch.

[Koro]

After she lied about being pregnant and using that as an excuse for us to get back, then behaved good, then admitted to have cheated on me with her ex, it was the end. I endured about two months AFTER that information. She did try her best to behave, but not enough; she still insulted me as usual, if not worse; and created fights so she could go and date other men. I became indifferent and found myself ANNOYED by just talking to her. I lost all feelings for her.

At first I was kinda "struggling" but not really, that's what I thought. I though that I was being weak and pathetic into being with a lying cheating abusive BPDgf. But that wasn't it. I realized that I needed time to put everything together; and couldn't let go because I was actually in denial about all that happened so quickly. It happen so quickly, that I didn't have the time to compute it well.  After a month, maybe two passed by, I just broke up with her, definitively. My reasons were a year of abusive and that she cheated on me; and that, as a matter of fact, I never even loved her, that she didn't let my feelings evolve and that, objectively, she is just annoying, dumb and emotionally sick (6 hospitalizations in less than 2 years. BEAT that). Yea, reasons I could have given months earlier; and even reason I could have used for not starting a relationship with her in the first place, when we were friends and objectively I always knew she had some MAJOR issues.

I wasn't sure of the idea of being all alone after I invested so much in her, and I was soo good and nice to her, that the correspondence and correlative results were not really adding up. After I ended grieving and ACCEPTED that I was cheated, spitted on my face and used and abused, and came to terms with that, I left her. Answered the phone two times. Gave her a uninspiring, bland good bye ___. 6 months free of her.

NEVER BEEN HAPPIER in my life.

[ArtistGuy70]

Too many.

First break up came after a few dates. Then she wanted me back.

The next came after five weeks. Then she wanted me back.

Then I broke up with her after a few months. I took her back.

Then two years she left again. Then she wanted me back.

Last one (final one) was five years into the r/s. She left. Started to take up with her married boss on the sly after the break. Told her I never wanted to hear from her again. Ignored her latest antics.

[O'Maria]

It was break up EVERY TIME HE RAGED, usually for hours, he told me to get the hell out of his place. I packed my bags so many time I can't count.

The next day he asked ME to stop fighting! He called, he came to my place to get me, he said we are soulmates and belong together etc... .

I fell for his tricks for 6 months and then I started to stay away more and more every time he became verbally and physically abusive. One day I packed my bags for the last time. I am happy I did.

[Aspen Girl]

Over the 5 years of our relationship, the "mini-breaks" were on a continual cycle. Well over 10. Unfortunately for 3 of those years we worked together and the controlling was out of control.  "who are you talking to?" "what are you eating?" "why are you eating that?" "you're talking to an ex aren't you" "you don't really love me" OMG it was so bad that the only way I felt I could escape was to quit my job and not look back. The only other option I thought was to end my life. No one would understand or even believe me. Everyone loved her. I couldn't go to the Administrator and report harrassement, so I thought ... .because "we" were a BIG secret. Plus, I had already taken an oath I would keep the secret and I am a person of their word. It was a game to her to see how she could deceive all of our co-workers. I did quit, packed everything with no notice and walked right out the door. I entered into therapy.  Tried to cut off all communication and then I'd start to feel better, made that phone call or sent that simple email... ."Just thinking about you... .hope you are well."  And BAM! The cycle started all over.  She moved in... .I was accused of telling lies, cheating, having an affair and I stupidly would plea and vow my undying love and faithfulness.  Only to find out that because in her mind I had REALLY done all those things, she was lying and cheating. So... .she moved out.  We disengaged.  I again went thru therapy.  Feeling better... .feeling stronger than ever... .sent the "Happy Fall" email. And BAM!  Here we go again.  Honeymoon phase awesome... .lasted a whole week this time and already the lies and deception.  How many times is it going to take before I understand that by continuing to hit my head against the wall that it is going to eventually hurt just like all the other times? And in each break-up cycle, the accusations would build on the prior ones.  I think she keeps a list so that she can add to it and when I've had enough... .I get the... ."you've done this, and this and this, and this, etc." I really, really want to stay away this time. The past reconciliation started a week ago today, and already... .I broke it off because of lies. God help me to stay away. Stop the cycle.

[BillP]

For me, I moved 2000 miles to be with my exBPDg/f, and the first 3-4 months were the happiest of my life! Aboslutelt no doubt about it! I thought to myself, finally, finally, I found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. Then, she attempted suicide. Talk about being hit over the head with an anvil. I did not see this coming at all.

Then, the recycyling started. Over the next 18 months, there were 6-7 times that asked me to leave. And most of those times, by the next day, we sat down and discussed things calmly, rationally, and decided to work things out. I knew that my ex needed serious professional help. But never experiencing anything remotely like this, I lacked the skillset and ability to cope & understand her illness. I had no idea how bad off she really was.

About 2 months before the actual end of the relationship, she asked me once again to leave. This time, I said: Fine! I've had it with you, I can't live like this. I started the process of looking to move out and I figured I could have been out of her house within 30 days.

For the next 2 days, we spent at least 12 hours each day discussing why this relationship wasn't working, and what we could do to correct the issues. I tried my hardest to be loving, supportive and understanding to her illness. I would have done anything for this woman. In retrospect, I believe she realized that I was done playing her games, and that I most definately was leaving.

I also believe, she wanted the relationship to end on her terms, not mine. I had also suspected she was seeing another guy. I confronted her abuse the abuse she had endured in her life. She denied both of these claims repeatedly! Now that I have the knowledge or "recycling" under my belt, I will never go through this ever again. I know, never say never. But I mean NEVER!

The cost is just too great!

[Marmitelove]

I'm in the 30 plus bracket.  I've been out for three months, it couldn't go back to even a dysfunctional, toxic relationship, it had been exhausted, played out, to that extent.  I had a nervous breakdown.  She seemed to move on quickly.  I had a crossed her boundary once, asking for a chat to resolve things on a friendly basis.  I couldn't stand her raging at me and leaving it like that.  She insinuated she had gone back to a previous non-serious ex (a *uck buddy).  It only sank in recently that this was what she had done, I realise now that this other woman was always her 'primary relationship'.  I believe it is as close to a person that she can get, without the full monty of BPD coming out.  It hurt to think that she always had another relationship open, and always will.  They have a kind of agreement.  So, on that last meeting, she played all these games, making me feel small and inadequate when I was ill, and relishing the fact that she was feeling well and sexy.  It was short lived, as I knew it would be, the last contact was her raging at me by email for something that didn't even happen. 

I have been left feeling really sexually inadequate.  The constant back and forths meant that she picked up more and more on my deep insecurities and in a mind game way twisted the knife in.  However, I do realise that I can sort this, and that maybe this is not a bad thing, since the nature of my 'locked in' emotions is now evident to me, and the source.  It makes me determined to heal.  I truly believe that she however will always be in denial.  I did derive some pleasure from this, I admit, in my initial anger.  However, I am moving to a place where I hope to be more at peace and wish her healing also.

[Travis]

Great topic.  In my three and a half year relationship with my BPDw we've probably broken up 6 to 8 times.  We've been married for 5 months and now seperated for four weeks, or longest seperation.  Usually our break ups last for a few days to a week, and then I usually initiate some form of apology, run to her and she comes back.  This time I have resisted doing that for fear she will do something really stupid to hurt me, like invent something to call the police over.  I had to call the police on her once when she was raging so badly, smashing some valuables in the house.  I think she just can't wait to call the police on me and get some kind of domestic violence charge thrown at me.  I've never given her a reason to call the police, but from what I hear and read, woman sometimes do this out of pure spite and she is a VERY spitefull person. 

I know I am insecure, afraid of being alone and codependent.  Its my fault I am still in this toxic r/s.  I need to find the strength to divorce her. 

[devonz]

 Sadly after a decade I have lost count... .not at all for the first two years,... then probably once a year for the next three years usually only for a maximum of one month - she would leave... .I would take her back... .usually by then I was just getting on my feet and I guess seemed attractive again! We split (she had a major breakdown and left) when I was pregnant with our son and that separation lasted a couple of months... .she came back... .then left 4 times in the first two years of our sons life... .I got used to it I guess... .and ironically I always moved out and left her in our home... .we reconciled and tried her having a separate house to come and go from a couple of days a week... .but sadly it never seemed enough for her. She has been gone and back numerous times in the past year (her behaviour got much worse after her sister was tragically killed in an accident)... .told me she had fallen in love with me all over again two months ago... .then a week later created an arguement... .left the house... .and then sent me an email saying she was moving as far away from me as possible and moved to Hong Kong. Came back for 3 weeks to live at home and be with me and our son... .slept with me etc etc and now has gone again saying its done for good... .god I need to get some self respect and move on... .trying to do so! Good to know although Im at the upper end of the scale Im not alone! 

[sarah1234]

I had about 4 break ups with my last upBPDbf.

The first 2 were reactions from him to blowouts we had. I worked out towards the end of the relationship that he needed to create a situation in his head where we were broken up as he felt this urge to go and do drugs/get drunk (all the things I 'disapproved of'. He would want me to hate his guts for a few hours/days - would want him out of the house so he would be vile to me. This isn't anything to do with me really, its a pattern he developed with his parents   and he would repeat this scene with me. Weird. It really was like I was mother and he was teenage son.  

In reality he was hitting full force dysregulation. Then he would come out of this/sober up and panic terribly that I wouldn't want him back and be full of remorse, but behave worse. Then he would break and crumble. I would feel sorry for him.

The last 2 break ups were his behaviour, but my decision. The 3rd one I knew I wanted out but I couldn't get him out of the house... .he had managed to trap me into a situation where I was tied to him. In the end the only way out was for me to leave with nothing. I don't think he actually ever expected me to do that. He realised I was terrified of leaving with nothing, so he tied himself to me. Financially, emotionally. He would go into a very dark place and threaten suicide. His fear of me his 'mother' (apparently I treated him better than his real, poss BPD mother ever did). He did once explain to me that he loved and hated me... .I was the mother he wanted, but with the motherly role came discipline, rules and boundaries, none of which he could tolerate so he would hate me for that.