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Author Topic: They really were our soul mate(s)  (Read 8443 times)
Manon46
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« Reply #90 on: July 01, 2010, 02:20:49 PM »

Lizzie... .No. Yes. Maybe. Up to you. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Maybe they are my soul mates from the dark side  Smiling (click to insert in post)   I kind of like that.  errr, Not that I like it, but that is more understandable to me.

Now that you mention that, I often felt he brought out the worst in me... .
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« Reply #91 on: July 01, 2010, 04:11:00 PM »

I realize I'm jumping in really late here, but I find this post interesting.

I have also heard of the "alternative" definition of a soul mate.  I can't recall where.  Possibly in a World Religions class I took years ago.  Anyway.  I do believe my h was A soul mate in that sense.  My understanding of that definition is that there can be many soul mates in your life in that sense.  My understanding was also that yes, they have to be someone who you were intimate with in some way (not necessarily sexually intimate, but they had some major role or influence on your life in order to be able to bring about a major change in you).  Essentially, because of your interactions with this person, you and/or your life course is forever changed.

I very much like that definition of soul mate, although I do still feel that just hearing the world "soul mate" kinda feels a bit akin to being doused in scalding water, because my h used to say this a lot, and it's what drew me in.  But at the same time, I believe that we grow most from the most painful events in our life.

In my case, I had never dealt with a LOT of past trauma until the falling apart of this marriage.  I could talk about things that happened in my past in a very matter-of-fact way ("My parents were abusive and treated me like crap" or "Yeah, I was raped in college." but I had NEVER been able to really realize and acknowledge how these events truly shaped me as a person.  I didn't understand why I did a lot of the things I did, especially in relationships.  This experience made me take a look at everything about how I relate to others in romantic relationships, my trust, who I'm attracted to, my codependent characteristics, and so on- and forced me to do a complete overhaul.

I think it's a little silly to argue the alternative definition as if that definition doesn't exist.  I mean, there's two different definitions of the word.  To me, that's like arguing about the two definitions of the word left... .like someone says "I left my uBPDw today" and someone else arguing that "left" is a direction, like the opposite of right.  The word has two meanings... .maybe you feel your pwBPD was the "traditional" type of soul mate... .maybe you feel she/he was the alternative type of soul mate... .or maybe you don't believe they were either type of soul mate.

For me, personally, I VERY much believed my h was the traditional type of soul mate when I was dating him and until after I married him.  Now, however, I do not believe there is any such thing in the traditional sense.  This is another area where I have learned and grown based on this experience.  Before, I thought real love was like in the movies, you just gotta find "The One" and then you live happily ever after.  I believe I have had a couple soul mates in the alternative sense, and perhaps I will have more.

I think it's interesting that some of us very much feel that our pwBPD were our soul mates in the alternative sense, and some of us cringe at the thought.  I wonder if it is because I feel that I'm mostly past the anger and bitterness feelings?  Or because I see my h as a person I pity, a truly hurt and abused soul who didn't ask to be that way and probably isn't capable of lasting happiness?  Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that this isn't the first time I've experience some pretty major trauma and in the midst of the trauma I have always felt that I am a fighter and came out stronger on the other side?  Or maybe because I absolutely detest feeling like a victim?  I can acknowledge the pain someone caused me and the horrors done to me, but feel that it's very important to my own emotional health that I try to turn it into as much of a positive as possible and see my own opportunities for growth.  For me, feeling like a victim or failing to own my share of responsibility in a situation just keeps me stuck.  Or maybe it's because I can truly see how much I have grown and changed as a result of this relationship?  Truly more emotional growth than I have ever experienced from anything else in my entire life... .

This is a very interesting topic!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)   It's been quite good and therapeutic for me to think on!
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NHBeachBum
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« Reply #92 on: July 01, 2010, 05:52:47 PM »

Excerpt
Yes but while those best teachers never gave me the answers, they were present, at school, and lead me to where I needed to be - not left me in the dark.

I usually skip reading your posts since you stated since the beginning that you don't believe in the term. So to me there is no point in reading them. What I noticed on the beginning of one of your posts  is that you state things literally, when everyone here is using it as similes, so obviously we are not seeing things in the same way. Like it was posted earlier, we are all in different phases and that's OK.

What confuses me, is the fact that you don't believe in term but continue posting trying to prove your point that the use of the term is wrong or even dumb. I think everyone here "gets" that you don't believe in it, we've accepted it, and moved on. But I don't think you "get" that we are not debating or changing our views.

CC,

If you skip reading my posts since I don't believe in the term "soul mate" then how did you copy and paste one of my quotes? Interesting. I wasn't even posting to you - if you read my reply it was in reference to Manon. If she doesn't want to reply back , that's fine, she can ignore me or reply back - it's her choice.

Apparently you have an issue with me posting my point of view and discussing why I feel the way I do. I didn't realize that we aren't allowed to post our point of view and have a discussion on this board unless you approve the content or our opinion agrees with yours. Thanks for clarifying CC. Now I "get it". I will stop posting on this board and move on.

Best of luck on your journey.

-NHBB

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T2H
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« Reply #93 on: July 01, 2010, 11:18:36 PM »

Thanks for your input 28paws!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

And to everyone else who contributed to make this such a great discussion!  

It clarified some things for me - interestingly not about soul mates though.  ;p   I hope others got something positive from it as well.


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Colombian Chick
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« Reply #94 on: July 02, 2010, 11:27:00 AM »

Excerpt
Yes but while those best teachers never gave me the answers, they were present, at school, and lead me to where I needed to be - not left me in the dark.

I usually skip reading your posts since you stated since the beginning that you don't believe in the term. So to me there is no point in reading them. What I noticed on the beginning of one of your posts  is that you state things literally, when everyone here is using it as similes, so obviously we are not seeing things in the same way. Like it was posted earlier, we are all in different phases and that's OK.

What confuses me, is the fact that you don't believe in term but continue posting trying to prove your point that the use of the term is wrong or even dumb. I think everyone here "gets" that you don't believe in it, we've accepted it, and moved on. But I don't think you "get" that we are not debating or changing our views.

CC,

If you skip reading my posts since I don't believe in the term "soul mate" then how did you copy and paste one of my quotes? Interesting. I wasn't even posting to you - if you read my reply it was in reference to Manon. If she doesn't want to reply back , that's fine, she can ignore me or reply back - it's her choice.

Apparently you have an issue with me posting my point of view and discussing why I feel the way I do. I didn't realize that we aren't allowed to post our point of view and have a discussion on this board unless you approve the content or our opinion agrees with yours. Thanks for clarifying CC. Now I "get it". I will stop posting on this board and move on.

Best of luck on your journey.

-NHBB

NHBB x

I apologize if my post gave you the message that your opinion isn’t important, or that you can’t share it. That was not at all my intention, because it is important. We all have different points of view, different stages of healing, and different experiences with our xBPD. But even if we have different opinions, it doesn’t give us the right to ridicule, use sarcasm, and downright attack someone else’s point of view because it doesn’t match ours. You posted several times attacking the term and to be honest I don’t think that’s very helpful for anyone on this board. We should share our opinions and accept others. Like I said before, I understand you don’t believe in the term, and that’s fine with everyone here. But I won’t sit here and use sarcasm to why your point of view is wrong/dumb/twisted just because it doesn’t fit mine.

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« Reply #95 on: July 02, 2010, 12:01:39 PM »

Thanks for your input 28paws!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Thanks for starting this thread T2H.  I love threads like this.  Keep 'em coming.  Makes me feel like I just came from a really great therapy session.   Smiling (click to insert in post) Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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innerspirit
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« Reply #96 on: July 02, 2010, 01:13:13 PM »

How about if we loosen up the idea? 

I think the point is in each individual case, whether the relationship seems to have had A Reason in our lives, or whether it's seen as mere anomaly.  If not predestined per se (and even if you know now that given a 2nd chance you'd never do it again), it seems to me a valuable opportunity to look back and take in the personal challenges and lessons at face value.   To me, it's helpful to think of it in a bigger-picture way -- BPD is a disease of intimacy, it seems to require closeness and some exclusivity to have an impact on those closest.  X when most disordered, was like a heat-seeking missile.  To inflate himself at my expense, he fought dirty, he sought out the chinks in my armor; it's on me now to work on them.  Was it a gift?  Hell no.  Are there things to learn?  Sure.

If I take the word Soul out if it and broaden the definition of "mate", I can give similar stature to other relationships (platonic, professional, etc.) as interactions that revealed important ways for me to grow.  Wouldn't go thru them again, that's for sure, but now that I have, I'm much more aware of red flags and my own boundaries.  And I'll never again get screwed in a copyright dispute for lack of a written agreement at the very outset.  Maybe I'll write up a more general manifesto for myself, with a commitment to honor my gut feelings.
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T2H
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« Reply #97 on: July 02, 2010, 04:40:37 PM »

Keep 'em coming.  Makes me feel like I just came from a really great therapy session.   Smiling (click to insert in post) Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Haha.  Good.

I have a few others in mind - but traveling at the moment.

Have a good holiday weekend all! 

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cin
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« Reply #98 on: July 03, 2010, 08:46:22 AM »

I'm having a hard time with this thread.  Apparently the person who has had the BIGGEST impact on one's life is your soul mate?  Or someone teaching you a lesson you must learn?

Well there was one person who had the BIGGEST impact on my life, when I was about 18, and I don't even know his name.  He came at me with a knife one night as I was walking down the street, held it to my throat, dragged me behind some bushes and visciously raped me.  I moved from the East coast to the West coast a month later and tried to put it out of my mind.  As a lesbian, I never even thought about pregnancy, until my breasts began to leak milk.  Then came the late stage abortion.

Perhaps this man is my soul mate?

I think I am going to throw up.
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T2H
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« Reply #99 on: July 04, 2010, 07:31:15 AM »



I'm sorry about your horrible experience cin.

As stated several times (but lost in some of the confusion / counter posts), the definition to which I was referring talks about people we are intimately involved with - ie. we choose to be with them, and that that results in a large positive growth experience (although it's possible that there is a lot of conflict/turmoil/negative stuff first - in fact that's probably likely since we learn the most through great suffering).

You have every right to choose your definition, or not believe in the term at all.



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Manon46
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« Reply #100 on: July 04, 2010, 07:35:48 AM »

I'm having a hard time with this thread.  Apparently the person who has had the BIGGEST impact on one's life is your soul mate?  Or someone teaching you a lesson you must learn?

Well there was one person who had the BIGGEST impact on my life, when I was about 18, and I don't even know his name.  He came at me with a knife one night as I was walking down the street, held it to my throat, dragged me behind some bushes and visciously raped me.  I moved from the East coast to the West coast a month later and tried to put it out of my mind.  As a lesbian, I never even thought about pregnancy, until my breasts began to leak milk.  Then came the late stage abortion.

Perhaps this man is my soul mate?

I think I am going to throw up.

I am realy sorry you had to go through such a horrible experience, but I don't think you can refer to this person as a soulmate.

Imo there has to be a connection between two on a spiritual level,but there are different opinions on the term, in my case, he felt absolutely as a soulmate, became more a soulvampire, and I learned a lesson, and he tought me one... the experience is personal and it doesn't realy matter how you call it, does it... the outcome is appearantly the same for all of us, and for my own sake, it is better not to linger in hate and anger, and feel that way towards him... it serves no one... .my soul is back in place... his is still searching and wandering... it will always be... x

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Manon46
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« Reply #101 on: July 04, 2010, 07:37:13 AM »

I'm sorry about your horrible experience cin.

As stated several times (but lost in some of the confusion / counter posts), the definition to which I was referring talks about people we are intimately involved with - ie. we choose to be with them, and that that results in a large positive growth experience (although it's possible that there is a lot of conflict/turmoil/negative stuff first - in fact that's probably likely since we learn the most through great suffering).

You have every right to choose your definition, or not believe in the term at all.


Hey you, you've been promoted to Ambassador, do I have to call you Sir now? Smiling (click to insert in post)
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T2H
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« Reply #102 on: July 04, 2010, 07:48:21 AM »

Hey you, you've been promoted to Ambassador, do I have to call you Sir now? Smiling (click to insert in post)

Haha, no.  But a curtsey would be nice.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I think I'm supposed to lock this thread because it's over the limit but I haven't taken that class yet! 

Happy July 4th to all the US folks!

 

ps.  Hey what happened to the cool jumping guy?

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innerspirit
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« Reply #103 on: July 04, 2010, 10:15:29 AM »

Oh I think he didn't get the attention he was looking for -- I sure hope he got tired and went home.
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T2H
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« Reply #104 on: July 04, 2010, 10:25:25 AM »

Oh I think he didn't get the attention he was looking for -- I sure hope he got tired and went home.

LOL.  Either that or he headed over to the NPD forum... .   ;p

Maybe just a lonely guy... .  looking for his soul mate... .

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Manon46
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« Reply #105 on: July 04, 2010, 12:46:28 PM »

He just jumped off, couldn't handle it anymore... still in denail, to much truth out here... poor little guy... so full of himself, and no one wanted him :'(

Glad... he was so dominant Smiling (click to insert in post)

Ok T2H lock it down now... you can do it... I know you can hop hop Smiling (click to insert in post) x
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Paws
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« Reply #106 on: July 04, 2010, 01:01:22 PM »

I'm having a hard time with this thread.  Apparently the person who has had the BIGGEST impact on one's life is your soul mate?  Or someone teaching you a lesson you must learn?

Well there was one person who had the BIGGEST impact on my life, when I was about 18, and I don't even know his name.  He came at me with a knife one night as I was walking down the street, held it to my throat, dragged me behind some bushes and visciously raped me.  I moved from the East coast to the West coast a month later and tried to put it out of my mind.  As a lesbian, I never even thought about pregnancy, until my breasts began to leak milk.  Then came the late stage abortion.

Perhaps this man is my soul mate?

I think I am going to throw up.

Cin,

I am sorry for what you went through.   x 

My understanding of that definition of soul mate is that it is someone who you have some type of relationship with, and that person impacts you in such a way that you experience tremendous positive growth and your life is forever changed. 

I was raped also (at 19), and I would never consider my rapist one of my soul mates.  I am not sure how long ago for you it was that that happened, but it has been 9 years for me and I can say that although you never fully get over it, I have found that the pain hurts less in time.   x  I am very sorry that happened to you.

I'm sorry this thread was painful... .I don't think anyone here would consider a rapist to be a soul mate, even in the alternative definition of the world.

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Colombian Chick
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« Reply #107 on: July 04, 2010, 01:28:44 PM »

I'm having a hard time with this thread.  Apparently the person who has had the BIGGEST impact on one's life is your soul mate?  Or someone teaching you a lesson you must learn?

Well there was one person who had the BIGGEST impact on my life, when I was about 18, and I don't even know his name.  He came at me with a knife one night as I was walking down the street, held it to my throat, dragged me behind some bushes and visciously raped me.  I moved from the East coast to the West coast a month later and tried to put it out of my mind.  As a lesbian, I never even thought about pregnancy, until my breasts began to leak milk.  Then came the late stage abortion.

Perhaps this man is my soul mate?

I think I am going to throw up.

  x

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