Pressing for intimate details - how to tell them it's NOTB?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This seems to come up again and again.

Before I suspected my uBPDx suffers from BPD, I blogged about this issue - at this time we were still together and he pressured me to tell him how "big" my ex lovers were (!) and I know at least another girl on here has experienced something similar.

This becomes a massive subject for them and they just won't drop it.

At the time, I was being honest (we were always very upfront and explicit with each other, which was one aspect of the relationship I really enjoyed) but just reaped a horrible comment in return.

I should just have lied.

The other girl on this forum chose to tell her partner an edited version of the truth about her ex to spare his feelings, but he went on and on at her until she "confessed", making everything 100x worse!

So my question is: HOW do we change the subject once this comes up?

My ex is now questioning me in emails to tell him "how intimate I have been" with people since we broke up, and this really angers me because

1) I never insinuated I was interested in/had any interest from anyone whilst we were together (he did, to test my reaction or to hurt me).

2) I have been recovering from an accident, so much as I'd like to be swinging from the chandeliers with a hot new man, I am physically incapable right now and also emotionally too fragile to get involved with anything like that.

3) In the last week I started to set up some dates with people I met online, but that is my own private business and hasn't gone further than emailing and having a drink together.

So - if I tell him ANYTHING he just won't believe me anyway. So what's the point?

If I do admit to wanting to move on with my life and meet someone else, it will hurt him and I don't want that as his reaction will probably be very unpleasant.

If I try to "reassure" him it feels like I am sharing info with him that is None Of His Business!

How do I get him to back off on this subject? Any successful strategies out there?

[PainAuChocolat]

This seems to come up again and again.

Before I suspected my uBPDx suffers from BPD, I blogged about this issue - at this time we were still together and he pressured me to tell him how "big" my ex lovers were (!) and I know at least another girl on here has experienced something similar.

This becomes a massive subject for them and they just won't drop it.

At the time, I was being honest (we were always very upfront and explicit with each other, which was one aspect of the relationship I really enjoyed) but just reaped a horrible comment in return.

I should just have lied.

The other girl on this forum chose to tell her partner an edited version of the truth about her ex to spare his feelings, but he went on and on at her until she "confessed", making everything 100x worse!

So my question is: HOW do we change the subject once this comes up?

My ex is now questioning me in emails to tell him "how intimate I have been" with people since we broke up, and this really angers me because

1) I never insinuated I was interested in/had any interest from anyone whilst we were together (he did, to test my reaction or to hurt me).

2) I have been recovering from an accident, so much as I'd like to be swinging from the chandeliers with a hot new man, I am physically incapable right now and also emotionally too fragile to get involved with anything like that.

3) In the last week I started to set up some dates with people I met online, but that is my own private business and hasn't gone further than emailing and having a drink together.

So - if I tell him ANYTHING he just won't believe me anyway. So what's the point?

If I do admit to wanting to move on with my life and meet someone else, it will hurt him and I don't want that as his reaction will probably be very unpleasant.

If I try to "reassure" him it feels like I am sharing info with him that is None Of His Business!

How do I get him to back off on this subject? Any successful strategies out there?

[JoannaK]

He's your ex.  Is there a reason that you feel a need to reply to this at all?

Why not just:  "We are no longer together.  I wish you the best as you go forward in your life."  Repeat like a broken record whenever he asks you anything.

[havana]

that is my own private business

Why does you ex have any right to know anything about your partners? I would suggest that you tell him that & to limit contact with him.

If I do admit to wanting to move on with my life and meet someone else, it will hurt him

Probably, but why would you let him continue to hurt you.

[PainAuChocolat]

Sigh... .maybe because I still care about him far too much and know how he is going crazy.

But so am I, and he has still not revealed to me WHO the person was that tried to kiss him prior to us breaking up, when he moaned to her about our crappy relationship... .

In a way it really doesn't matter, you are right.

We can't cushion their feelings, anyway.

Ignoring him for now.


He hasn't got the message yet that it's over, but I wish he'll continue to see the T because it may help him... .

x

[turtle]

I agree with Joanna -  he's your EX -- and there's no reason to be talking to him at all.

However, if you feel you must and he presses you about this stuff, you simply say: 

"We are no longer together and anything to do with my life is no longer your business."

Will he react well? NO.  Has he ever reacted well to much of what you say? Doubtful.  Why should this be different?

Just remember that every time you talk to him, YOU will come away feeling like crap.

Turtle

[thisblonde]

If you practise No Contact, then you don't have to worry about "successful strategies" in communicating.   You know, it only takes ONE person for it to be over.  I just somehow get the feeling that either you don't want it be "truly" be over or you like still having a open life line to this person.  Only you know the real reason why you haven't gone n/c, and not only entertain his emails, but worry over how to respond to them.   I think you need some self examination, there you will find your answer.  Good Luck.

[PainAuChocolat]

He just sent me this:

"I need answers today.

You can email me a proper reply or I can speak ti u later.

Pls empsthise how hard this all must be without even the respite of a drink!

Right now it seems like u are infact holding on (?)

I feel sick, that I am about to vomit. Constantly ."

Yes, me too... .

[thisblonde]

How about this for an answer:

"It's over, don't contact me again or I'm contacting the police"... .

That worked well for me.

[turtle]

He just sent me this:

"I need answers today.

You can email me a proper reply or I can speak ti u later.

Pls empsthise how hard this all must be without even the respite of a drink!

Right now it seems like u are infact holding on (?)

I feel sick, that I am about to vomit. Constantly ."Yes, me too... .

Answers about what?

Have you actually told him that it's over and not to contact you anymore?  If not... .you need to do that... .RIGHT NOW.

He'll feel better after he pukes.

Turtle

[PainAuChocolat]

Answers about whether I shagged anyone else (I haven't!) and if I still see a future for us "deep down".

No and no again.

And I just told him so, without being cruel.

[2010]

Before I suspected my uBPDx suffers from BPD, I blogged about this issue - at this time we were still together and he pressured me to tell him how "big" my ex lovers were (!) that is None Of His Business!  How do I get him to back off on this subject? Any successful strategies out there?

*It is his business if you are blogging about your relationship to the rest of the World while it's still going on.* Why do you feel that's appropriate fodder for a blog? And what do you get out of it, (besides boundary crashing and invading yours and his privacy?)

In another post, you write that he was upset that you didn't see a therapist for your questions.

Not seeing a shrink. "I did it for you, so why can't you do it for me"? was his mantra.

Wouldn't this have been a more appropriate venue for seeking your voice and then getting answers?

Often times we become desperate in our attempt to solve the problem. We fail to realize that something is wrong with our approach. There is often a blind spot where the solution resides. Instead of looking at the problem in a different fashion and discovering a new way to respond, we may attempt the same technique over and over again which results in a repeated failure and frustration.

The problem isn't him. The problem is *your problem* with him.

Until you understand that the solution to *your problem* lies within you- (and not him) -you will remain frustrated and compulsively addicted to the bad behavior. This is an issue that is big enough to go and see a therapist about.

Until you begin the journey of your own welfare, you will avoid self-discovery. Concentrating on him doesn't allow you to see yourself and find your own answers as to *why* you allow this Man to disturb your peace and distract you from an authentic life. You must begin the process of why you are unable to let go.

You see, it's not about him anymore, it's about you.

[PainAuChocolat]

Hi 2010

thanks for your input.

On the first subject: I am and have been a blogger/author since before I ever met him. I write under a pseudonym.

It is a diary, which deals with my emotions and experiences, nobody is called by their real name!

He never read my blog until we split, and most posts regarding him are now hidden from the general public.

I have also been seeing a therapist since before we got together. And we went back and saw her together when the arguments got really bad between us.

He has BPD, which means his perception of reality sucks - I could be as brown as a nut and he'd tell me I was pale!

So whilst I AM and HAVE BEEN seeing a T, by myself and with him, he doesn't acknowledge that I take looking at and after myself very seriously, and I have a lot more self reflection abilities as I even WROTE A BOOK ABOUT it.

The question remains why I cannot just ignore him... .I do feel for him and probably have enough empathy for us both.

Off to slap my own wrist.

[2010]

The question remains why I cannot just ignore him... .

In a way, the relationship works for you and satisfies the needs of the blog.

And yes, these are your feelings and emotions- but they serve a purpose. A purpose of projecting the withdrawing, disapproving parent image onto him so that you do not have to feel and be aware of the associated abandonment depression.  As long as you are angry at him and he at you, you don't have to feel depressed about your real self in isolation and aloneness. The aloneness you project in your blog (without his knowledge)- and *which basically shuts him out of intimacy* is your way of telling him it's none of his business. After all, he's just a stand-in for your hypercritical parent.

most posts regarding him are now hidden from the general public.

Once it's published- it's published. Blogs are archived. They are not erased when you erase them from the server. They remain for years to come.  Copies of the entire Web are collected by Alexa Internet, a Web software company that gathers information for the library of congress. Your blog is on the Wayback machine. It could also be copied and used on another site. The task to remove your writing could take years, and during that time many new copies might spring up.

In fact, the most precious personal commodity for bloggers (or anyone on the web) in the future will be control of images and words (content) and Privacy.  (Yours and mine are up for sale right now as we speak.)  Therefore, I believe your partner (whether in the past, present or future) deserves to be told BEFORE he becomes involved with you that *whatever he does* may be objectified and published in your on-line diary. You are a reporter.  It's an expose' of sorts- but from your perspective- not HIS. (A perspective of who you are within the parameters of a false self- your pseudonym.)

I'm not sure anyone would feel comfortable with the amount of trust this requires in order to maintain intimacy with you.

The blog eventually could span a decade of time and subsequently, the relationships of many partners and be searchable to the rest of society and may (without your intention) predict or reflect your relationship history in the future. I don't think that was your intention- but it's something to consider.

[Runningasfastasican]

How do you honestly feel each time you talk to him... .how do you honestly feel each time you get a text... .from him... .how do you honestly feel each time you read an e-mail from him... .from what I have read here and from what I know from personal experience... .I bet the answer is that the communications regardless of whether you answer his questions or not basically make you feel like SH%^%T... .at some point regardless of your personal feelings for his welfare... .you are going to need to see the futility of even reading or answering any of his communications, because quite honestly, it is obvious that they do absolutely nothing beneficial for you... .rather he gets "something" out of them and pushes your buttons and exerts control over you through them, and to be blunt as long as you allow this to go on... .it will... .do you still want to be dealing with these communications... one year from now... .or maybe five years from now or for the rest of your life... .you broke up with him for a reason and he is an EX, that due to his behavior patterns will pester you for a totally indeterminate amount of time, until you decide to do something to stop it... .his behavior wont allow you to be nice... .you are trying to be nice and look at what it is getting you... .I am not saying any of this to be mean or heartless, rather I am just wanting to point out some truthes to consider... because to be honest you deserve better things than what you are dealing with, and frankly the only way to get them is to take the actions that you need to take to protect yourself... .If you are in a pool with a shark, you get out of the water... .the shark is not evil... .maybe it is even lonely... .but to be safe... .you get out of the pool... .so I posit to you that this is a similar situation... .what do you need to do to get out of the pool?... .I would really suggest... changing your numbers and e-mails... etc... .and going NO CONTACT... .dont even reply anymore... .dont even read or look at his communications... .just delete anything he sends you unread and unanswered... I know it seems hard at first... .and it is... .but quite honestly the more you do it... .the easier it gets and if you stick with it... .he will find something or someone else to occupy him... .quite honestly you know and I know that each communication from him acts like a virus against you so protect yourself... because even reading any of it is toxic... .If I sound loud or hard... I am sorry and my advice is purely to help and comes from my own experiences in attempting to disengage from my BPDexW... .who also used similar tactics against me even after our divorce was finished... nothing ended or got better until I completely started deleting and ignoring and refusing to answer any of her communication attempts... .things have been getting a lot better since I have gone NO CONTACT... .it was hard at first... .but I wish I had started sooner in it... .take care and good luck

[PainAuChocolat]

2010 -you are stating the obvious.

It was HIS decision to get involved with me, AFTER he read my book.

Anyone can buy it, it's out there for people to read and my ex said he was happy (proud, supportive, honoured) about me writing about him. These are my thoughts about my relationship, and mirror other people's thoughts about their relationships. He is welcome to publish his thoughts about me too, as he is doing to his friends and family.

Not to worry, the legal department of my publisher's are very good and checked my first book thorougly for any slip-ups that may open them up for legal consequences etc.

As for blogs, for all I know there are/were any number of men or women blogging about me, too. As long as they don't publish my name, picture and address alongside it's just a story. Not much I can do about it and not a lot I would gain from caring.

But thank you for your thoughts.

Running... .- Thank you, the thing with the shark makes sense.

I should stop feeling so sorry for the shark... .I think he has conditioned me in that way, and cutting him off totally would still just feel cruel on some level.

Breaking up with someone with BPD is in a way like witnessing a loved one become a Zombie - the person you knew and loved look like they are still there, but they are possessed by some alien force and you will never get anything out of that relationship, only an empty shell to hold onto.

I have taken steps to see a T on my own again, someone who has experience with BPD relationships and can furnish me with some tools.

The ex called me last night and I spoke to him, I can't believe it... .he has difficulty grasping the situation and I tried to make it easier on both of us, more transparent... but it's like talking to a brick wall and I DON'T want this in my life a year, or five years for now, or in the lives of my future children.

And I have seen what happened in his divorce, so Running... I feel for you, and am so glad for you it's over. I won't go through the same process if I can help it! x

[justwantout]

To your original post. I had the exact same issue with my BPDh, the "size" questions, the open and honest answers, it led nowhere good.  Ten years later I still got the odd comment.  Don't know if its typical, seems to fit though being as they suffer from deep insecurity issues. 

As to still answering his questions, definately not.  Boundries, boundries, boundries.  I woldn't even acknowledge such questions from him.