Why do BPDs have to "distort" your character b/f ending a relationship with you?

[Jgravitt]

My BPD exGF started telling all of our friends (most of them I knew through her) that I had anger management probs and was bipolar (never diagnosed as such by my counselor and she also says I have no other "mental issues" b/f she even tried to end the relatioship. She even coaxed me into seeing a counselor by showing me a questionairre on the internet that made me look like i have issues.

Why did she have to "kill my person/who I am?"

[goldenblunder]

In my case, she started telling me that I have "issues" and I drink too much.  It was part of her justification for moving on to the new guy.  She needed to devalue me.  I suspect she told her family these things, as well.

There is also a certain logic to it.  If you are going to leave your husband, you need to set the stage and have some reasons.

[strings]

To justify her abandonment issues by blaming you for her problems (projecting). She's launching a smear campaign.

[left4good]

Part projection part justification.  If they can make you seem "terrible" enough to the people around them then they are justified in leaving you.  "He's bipolar and I just couldn't deal with it anymore."  BAM instant victim,  she has emotional enablers that buy her game,  she moves on.  You look like crap,  she looks like the victim.  Works perfectly. 

Also,  doing this type of thing allows them to build a great story for the next victim.  If her past has been so bad and she's just tried and tried and tried but she just gets these bad men... .He becomes the rescuer.  "Knight in shining armor ready for duty!" 

And most importantly,  if they can project ALL of their crap onto you they don't have to worry about themselves.  It's an easy way for them to not have to deal with their turmoiled selves. 

Any time they can project away their internal crap... .they will. 

Left

[OverBoard]

My exBPDNPDbp-alcoholicgf of 3 months started the smear 6 months before I ended it. Telling me I was sick, bipolar, needed meds, was a loser, thought it was all about "me", lying to her friends and family on the phone about me, painting me blacker than black... yet she came back 4x? Pleading she was in love, I was the only one, no one else could fill the voids. I gave her a void... ended it. Still dealing with harsh internal damage now. NOT worth it. She moved on like nothing, no remorse, regret, zip. Never looked back after she plunged me into the depths of hell.

[havana]

Breakup = Failure


They won't stand to have failed. They saved themselves from you.

[lifeisgoodx10]

When my x raged at me it was always yelling, "YOU have a mental problem!"   

Funny thing... .when he raged at me I always pictured his dad raging at him (xhBPD/NPD) saying the same things with the same gestures. That makes me sad and serves to keep me engaged out of compassion.  :'(

[ArtistGuy70]

So they don't have to take blame

So they can still be the victim

So they can justify the breakup to everyone INCLUDING THEMSELVES

Their ego cannot take the blame. Impossible. They would fall deeper into depression.

Personally, I was made into a controlling, jealous, snoop who had qualities like her ex husband.

Hmmm. Well I was a bit controlling... .it is what she wanted and told me many times. Jealous, only when she would brag about how many men wanted her (and I would just blow it off actually). A snoop? Yeah when I became suspicious about her r/s with her boss. Just like her ex. HMMMMMMM I guess I was RIGHT huh?

She is pathetic. I feel sorry for the poor slob who is out with her now. He has no idea she is cheating on him as well.

[Jgravitt]

Thanks for the feedback.

The woman has contacted me again today about something for one the dogs we had... .that I have now.

She hated the dogs just another reason to contact me and start the smear. Last time we talked once i caught her trying to play me and the new guy all she could say was... ."you are psychotic!"

I don't even have any remorse for her anymore.

[confused101]

To justify her abandonment issues by blaming you for her problems (projecting). She's launching a smear campaign.

Yep that's the core issue and they can't take any responsibility for their behaviour, their black or white thinking causes them to paint themselves black so they project and you become Stalin, Hitler and Satan rolled into one. Usually until the next victims comes into view, that relationship falls over and then tag it's their turn.

[BillP]

To justify her abandonment issues by blaming you for her problems (projecting). She's launching a smear campaign.

I don't know if this is true in every case. But for me, it definitely true. I can only hope that someday, the "truth" comes out about the ex's illness, and her "friends" will realize, maybe we should have paid attention to what this guy was trying to tell us. Doubt it, but one can dream, right?

[confused101]

To justify her abandonment issues by blaming you for her problems (projecting). She's launching a smear campaign.

I don't know if this is true in every case. But for me, it definitely true. I can only hope that someday, the "truth" comes out about the ex's illness, and her "friends" will realize, maybe we should have paid attention to what this guy was trying to tell us. Doubt it, but one can dream, right?

Sadly I'm not sure that ever happens, I do believe that it's often the case that friends of BPD's know that their isn't something quite right about them but you only really get to find out up close and personal. In my case it was pretty clear that friends and family had heard these stories numerous times before. One of her friends remarked that my ex had either been extremely unlucky in love or had been getting her men from the local sanitorium. She went onto say but then again there is only one common thread running through all these relationships. I should have taken the hint!

[BillP]

You're probably right. I've made the decision that no matter what, I will also remain n/c with her friends as well. I'm sure that would bother them greatly. haha

It just still amazes me the carnage that is created from the fallout of living or being in a relationship with these ppl. (shakes his head and walks away)

[gitana66]

I am so sorry to hear this, and I can TOTALLY relate. By the end of my relationship, my exBPD made sure to diagnose me in some way, shape or form. Looking back, this was usually done to take the blame off of him, distract me or to try and change the focus on me. It also seemed to just try and stomp on my self esteem, too. I got LOTS of low blows from this guy. I'm not gonna lie, it hurt b/c at the time I valued his opinion and he knew it. He also knew I was vulnerable. What I know now is that they feel so bad that they will do anything to try and take the emphasis off their actions. It also can serve to help make you doubt yourself. Just know it is manipulative and cruel. Know your worth in yourself. If you are being lambasted just ask yourself if what is being said is true. All that truly matters is that YOU know what is right. Not responding back to the accusations will make it all the harder for them to get the reaction they are searching for, too. Hold your head up high and stay strong!

[muddychicken]

They need to get their story together for the new victim ... .hooks, what an ahole you are... .and the new victim will do everything to prove what an ahole you were for mistreating them... .

[BillP]

Breakup = Failure


They won't stand to have failed. They saved themselves from you.

This may be true, but with my ex, she admitted that her failed two marriages, and now our relationship, she said that she's a Monster, and doesn't deserve to be loved. And that she'll probably spend the rest of her life alone. Not that I bought all of that. I believe they were crocodile tears to help further her own resolve to get me out of her life, and move onto her next victim. I could be wrong, but... .

[RealEyes]

Part projection part justification.  If they can make you seem "terrible" enough to the people around them then they are justified in leaving you.  "He's bipolar and I just couldn't deal with it anymore."  BAM instant victim,  she has emotional enablers that buy her game,  she moves on.  You look like crap,  she looks like the victim.  Works perfectly. 

Also,  doing this type of thing allows them to build a great story for the next victim.  If her past has been so bad and she's just tried and tried and tried but she just gets these bad men... .He becomes the rescuer.  "Knight in shining armor ready for duty!" 

And most importantly,  if they can project ALL of their crap onto you they don't have to worry about themselves.  It's an easy way for them to not have to deal with their turmoiled selves. 

Any time they can project away their internal crap... .they will. 

Left

right, they can only project onto someone who's self esteem is so low that they easily become receivers, second guest themselves, think something is wrong with us now rather than speak up that our BPD is full of BS... .back off or else,, but many wait too long and now they've become smeared by the sh@t slinging festival of no return until they run for cover hoping the poop BPDs love to sling wears off us, which may take weeks if not years depending upon what kind of people we have or had as close friends while dating the psycho!

[tangaru]

I agree with all that has been said thus far and to it I would add that they do this because they know your triggers, your weaknesses and they will employ any tactic to suck you back into the chaos and drama that constitutes their emotional life. All breakups go through an ogre building stage I think. It is what we do to purge the last ties that still bind us. It seems though that the volume on this stage is turned way way up with folks struggling with BPD, diagnosed or not. The first time I tried to leave I was faced with a 24 hr barrage of horrid accusations and emotional blackmail, and promises to 'ruin' me with our friends that I caved at the first opportunity to stop the attacks. I have never seen rage like that before. I said a lot of "I can'ts" then. You know: I can't process this with you, I can't endure this anger, I can't explain this another time... ." And to each instance I got back a 'yes you can... .' and it sucked me back in and frankly, I just kept trying to set the record straight.

This time I have been in therapy and learned to make one simple change in my responses. This time I said "I am unwilling to... ." That simple change in my perspective seems to have taken all the teeth out of the rage/manipulations. A subtle power shift true but it seems to have left my ex without a response that sucks me back in. Just know that you can't change your ex's perception of you and you can't stop him/her from spreading lies. You just have to be above the fracas as much as you can. Give it a try... ."I am unwilling... ." and when the inevitable "why not" comes back your way the response is because it is over.

Also, I spent some time before ending the relationship giving my friends the heads up it was coming. And without exception they each basically said 'it is about time... ' seems they saw it long before I did! You may find that you get that kind of validation and it has brought me a sense of peace even when the barbs come flying and the character attacks flood in. Also remember you are you you say you are... .no one else gets a lasting say in that. Hang in there!

[roses89431]

SO they can justify their hurtful and mean actions by blaming everything on you, that things are your fault, that they had not choice but to do what they did. It is all about projection and protecting their own ego. It sucks for us to be on the other side of it.

[3rdID]

In my case, she started telling me that I have "issues" and I drink too much. 

yup. Same here. I'm drinking too much. Never mind I Don't consume alcohol in my home or in front of my children. We recently had a blow up and I had drank a few beers. I took her to a major league game. Her favorite team. She wouldn't stop texting the entire time.  I got pissed.  So she blames My drinking problem.

[breakingpoint]

Bottom line... .they need to be the victim... .they need to have a sad, sad story to tell the next person who comes along. I have been on the receiving end of vicious, vicious smear campaigns. He projects so much of his crap on to me it is mind boggling... .and what isn't a projection of his own behaviour is an outright, fabricated lie about me. Looking back now I don't think his ex wife or any of his ex girlfriends were as 'crazy' as he led me to believe... .if he would lie so completely about me, why wouldn't he be lying about them... .always the victim... .it's how he reels them in.

[Harmless]

I have to echo what most people have said here.  In my case, I get the distinct feeling that it is part of the internal and external justification campaign, much the way always insisting that I was basically responsible for every bad thing in our relationship.  But even though she filed for divorce a year and half ago, and after 14 months it eventually was finalized. She has primary custody of our two young sons, otherwise I’d have gone NC.

It’s interesting to me that so many folks here say they were “diagnosed” by their BP as Bipolar – I was as well.  This was at the same time I was being accused of not expressing emotion enough.  And despite the fact that of the two of us, I wasn’t the one who could become so upset as to be completely non-functional, curled up in a sobbing ball on the bathroom floor.  And despite the fact that I was the one who would maintain an even, quiet, respectful tone when we “talked,” while she would routinely end up screaming abuse and obscenities at me while our children were within earshot.

One of the most disturbing things about this whole process of disengagement, for me, has been observing her memory and thought process re-mold itself to fit her feelings, and her interpretation of events.  Her filing for divorce and booting me out of the house has become “You abandoned me,” for example.  And I know she sincerely believes this stuff.  It’s very sad for all involved.

[2010]

I learned to make one simple change in my responses. This time I said "I am unwilling to... ." That simple change in my perspective seems to have taken all the teeth out of the rage/manipulations. A subtle power shift true but it seems to have left my ex without a response that sucks me back in.

BRAVO

Remember also that Borderline is called "Borderline" because it describes a personality that is split into two part time selves; good and bad. Call it black and white if you want- but there is no grey. Stop thinking that they think like you.

They go back and forth between good and bad *about themselves* in their inner psyche.  They go back and forth between people as rewarding objects and withdrawing objects to offset their anxiety about being good/bad. Yes, people are objects to them.  They objectify (use) people to feel good and bad.

In the beginning of your relationship they mirrored your good- in order to value themselves as good.  Without you realizing this, they used entrapment on you- they gained your attention by cleverly mirroring you and then used that mirror to attach with a "false bond."  It is a "false" bond because of the paradox of mirroring. That is, they don't really see what you see.  Yes, your noses are touching- but you're both looking in opposite directions. There is no way a Borderline knows where you are headed-they just know where you've been- and they work this historical info by manipulating you to believe they're on the same page. Guess what. They aren't.

Since they really weren't being themselves and instead were mirroring what you projected onto them- they feel kept like underpaid actors. (Just think of the actor or actress that has to put on the cat suit every night at the Wintergarden theatre for the upteen millionth performance of "Cats." Eventually the applause doesn't mean as much anymore and the actor just wants a new and more rewarding role.  It doesn't mean that the play changed- just the feelings of the actor.

That bad feeling they have is the same feeling you have when you are sick of your job and just show up to punch the clock. You may suspect that your work performance is under investigation by the Boss, so you try to hide your apathy. Sooner or later everything comes to a head. Rather than feeling responsible for your poor work performance- you might say the Boss is a jerk to make yourself feel better.

That's the same methodology that a Borderline uses for you. They feel bad. They also use projection to cast off the bad split object on to you. That enables them to feel good. But without you they need a new good object to host them.  Splitting you allows the search for new and rewarding objects- but first there's spin doctoring involved with the bad object splitting. That's the reason for the smear campaign- but it's creation and purpose is not solely to bulldoze you- it's to get rescuers.

These rescuers are rewarding objects that fend off the anxiety that comes with detaching.  Borderline is an attachment disorder. They need hosts. (That's what you used to be.)

Your job now if officially over as a good host. Dont worry, a new one will come along. If you stay under the radar and detach- it will make things harder for them. You'll have time now to peel off the crud from the smear campaign if you stay out of the mudslinging. Sorry you got hit by mud, but it had to happen. (I repeat, It had to happen.) Borderline requires it. That's the only way they can successfully move on to new reward- by sending out a distress signal about the old.  It's like a clarion call.

The more you remain silent during this smear- the better off you will look. Not everyone believes in the Borderline's stories. Some people actually think they're looney. The less looney tunes you sing-along with will allow you to look dignified in all of this, even causing people to question the Borderline. After awhile, that dignity will be felt within and you'll know you've done the right thing to turn on your heel and walk away.

Detach. Let go. Live a better life. It will happen if you accept the disorder and not personalize it.  They do it to everyone.  

[gutzgutz]

Without you realizing this, they used entrapment on you- they gained your attention by cleverly mirroring you and then used that mirror to attach with a "false bond."  It is a "false" bond because of the paradox of mirroring.

So what if two borderlines are mirroring each other?

Is there a competition? 

Or if borderline ex has mirrored me and taken some of my rescuer functions on and is applying them now to his new borderline girlfriend?

If you are talking about borderlines/parasites (not your wording, just an analogy) and rescuers/hosts

what happens if two parasites mirror each other?

[growing_in_grace]

They need to get their story together for the new victim ... .hooks, what an ahole you are... .and the new victim will do everything to prove what an ahole you were for mistreating them... .

Uh, now I get it. Twice stung. Can u believe it, I lived to get out of two of these relationships. Ouch! If they talked about the ex they are gonna talk about me.you. So be it. I know who I am and it's going to be okay. I know what they did and what I did. And you betcha I was going to PROVE how different I was from every other relationship. Can there be so many rotten people lining up just to do them dirt?

Gracie

[Intent_to_learn]

Detach. Let go. Live a better life. It will happen if you accept the disorder and not personalize it.  They do it to everyone.

This is the best advice out there.  We bump into each other's pathology and if we're lucky, we pay attention and learn from the experience.

[harmony1]

In my case, she started telling me that I have "issues" and I drink too much. 

yup. Same here. I'm drinking too much. Never mind I Don't consume alcohol in my home or in front of my children. We recently had a blow up and I had drank a few beers. I took her to a major league game. Her favorite team. She wouldn't stop texting the entire time.  I got pissed.  So she blames My drinking problem.

been there... i will partake in a couple... .sometimes just to get by... i keep an eye on it tho... .drives him nuts tho... probably cause he wont forget that I once said "I can take you sober"  oopps

[cretehead]

Had a bit of weakness past few days as I was traveling and she always seems to come to mind as I walk thru airports ect. and when weak I come here, and refresh my mind, just how rotton she could make me feel.  Anyway caught this post, and not just at the end of our manying breakups, but in the middle of our relationship is when the comments starting coming, right after the worshiping stage, of how she is so lucky, and "I am so interesting"! "your the most amazing man, I have ever had in my life", promise you will never leave me"!  Right into, its always about you, why does everything have to be about you, when all I was doing was doing was trying to support the most complex person I had ever been exposed to, with positive comments, telling her day after day how beautiful she is, how smart she is,but in her tormented mind, ts all about me. WTH?   

[jillmercay]

My BPD partner has told me on several occasions that if I didn't love him anymore and wanted out that he understood and would simply leave.

However... .

When I have brought up that I can't take the relationship anymore and think we should just move on with our own lives he goes into a rage, tells me I'm going to be with him forever, he's NOT going anywhere and goes nuts. Then he proceeds to to tell me all the terrible things he'll do if I ever try to leave him.

So... .

Do they have to be the ones wanting out of the relationship before they can exit? My partner certainly has made all (and they are numerous-should be a red flag) his ex's out to be total monsters. All of the issues he's had with them and all of the terrible things he's accused them of doing... .he's accused me of.

If they have to be the ones wanting to exit, how do you get them to want to exit? I'm SERIOUSLY thinking of a reverse psychology tactic here and making it out to be HIS decision to exit the relationship. At this point, I don't care if he tells the world I'm like living with the devil incarnate. I could care less how he paints me since my friends don't like him, he has no friends and really doesn't know anyone I know other than a handful of people he's met (which he finds fault with).

Advice on any of that?

[DrPhil]

Part projection part justification.  If they can make you seem "terrible" enough to the people around them then they are justified in leaving you.  "He's bipolar and I just couldn't deal with it anymore."  BAM instant victim,  she has emotional enablers that buy her game,  she moves on.  You look like crap,  she looks like the victim.  Works perfectly.  

Also,  doing this type of thing allows them to build a great story for the next victim.  If her past has been so bad and she's just tried and tried and tried but she just gets these bad men... .He becomes the rescuer.  "Knight in shining armor ready for duty!"  

And most importantly,  if they can project ALL of their crap onto you they don't have to worry about themselves.  It's an easy way for them to not have to deal with their turmoiled selves.  

Any time they can project away their internal crap... .they will.  

Left

Brilliant post, Left4Good!  

The interesting thing is, we ALL seek meaning, sense and balance with what we do.

Our actions simply HAVE to be in line with our own self-perception.

"I am a good person, so IF I do something that´s bad or not in line with my self-perception, it´s because there is a legitimate reason for it. Of course tehre is! There HAS to be!... .cuz I am a good person!"

And so we look for excuses, stories and oftentimes even make up huge lies to make sense of our own actions.

I believe we have ALL done this at some point.

E.g. all smokers KNOW smoking is really bad for you - yet make up silly excuses why it´s ok.

Some add a little extra when filing an insurance claim... ."because the insurance company makes too much money off of me".

It´s called "Cognitive Dissonance" or "thought-related imbalance" if you will.

It´s when you cannot accept two opposite thoughts in your head at the same time, and it´s a VERY interesting subject, actually. (Check it out on e.g. Wikipedia.)

PwBPD (and other disorders) just use this technique almost constantly, because they cannot accept guilt in their lives or assume responsability for their actions.

So they simply HAVE to be great at making up stories, blaming others and making themselves the victim.

It´s very simple. And very disturbing.