Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 20, 2021, 02:40:59 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
81
Pages: 1 [2] 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Post HERE instead of breaking NC  (Read 6825 times)
ArtistGuy70
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 856


« Reply #30 on: November 05, 2010, 07:53:22 AM »

I need another post today. It's becoming a habit Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

C,

Your boss was that important to you, wasn't he? I mean he held your job in his hands for the last ten years. He gave you all the time off you requested around the holidays. Free food around XMas to cook for us. Bonus. Money. Then, of course, sleeping with him, jewelry, trips, your landscaping costs, clothes, shoes, etc. Don't you have any self respect? No. You don't. You see him as security and safety. "Someone to lean on" as you always said. That's your PATHETIC way of calling him yet another rescuer and person to pick up the pieces of your life so you don't have to admit how needy and weak you are inside. How dependent you are on him and others. How you need to attach to others for your own identity and survival. Of course you cannot just have a working and personal r/s with him. You have to give him what he wants - sex. It makes you feel valid once again. Loved, desired, wanted. The chase is there. The longing. He cannot commit fully. Neither do you. Perfect for your warped fantasies. Only so many feelings, emotions to deal with. You said you always loved him as a friend. Even now. Sick. Just sick. You love him when he fills your needs. Just like the rest of us: the players in your script.

You had no remorse or empathy for me. None for his wife or family. None for my daughter. Only for yourself. Sad. Pathetic. Toxic.

You are so toxic to me and others in your circle. Toxic, needy, selfish, self absorbed hit_.

Just as another poster wrote,

You are a statue. We chip away in some places and you crumble. All that remains is this hurt, broken little girl hissing, giving me the finger.
Logged
JWS
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Unavailable for now
Posts: 362


« Reply #31 on: November 05, 2010, 09:34:06 AM »

I need another post today. It's becoming a habit Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

C,

Your boss was that important to you, wasn't he? I mean he held your job in his hands for the last ten years. He gave you all the time off you requested around the holidays. Free food around XMas to cook for us. Bonus. Money. Then, of course, sleeping with him, jewelry, trips, your landscaping costs, clothes, shoes, etc. Don't you have any self respect? No. You don't. You see him as security and safety. "Someone to lean on" as you always said. That's your PATHETIC way of calling him yet another rescuer and person to pick up the pieces of your life so you don't have to admit how needy and weak you are inside. How dependent you are on him and others. How you need to attach to others for your own identity and survival. Of course you cannot just have a working and personal r/s with him. You have to give him what he wants - sex. It makes you feel valid once again. Loved, desired, wanted. The chase is there. The longing. He cannot commit fully. Neither do you. Perfect for your warped fantasies. Only so many feelings, emotions to deal with. You said you always loved him as a friend. Even now. Sick. Just sick. You love him when he fills your needs. Just like the rest of us: the players in your script.

You had no remorse or empathy for me. None for his wife or family. None for my daughter. Only for yourself. Sad. Pathetic. Toxic.

You are so toxic to me and others in your circle. Toxic, needy, selfish, self absorbed hit_.

Just as another poster wrote,

You are a statue. We chip away in some places and you crumble. All that remains is this hurt, broken little girl hissing, giving me the finger.

AG,

There now that you have shared what your feeling do you think now if you read this and put yourself in her shoes she's going to see the same thing you are feeling? NO she won't. She will view it as criticism of her life and maybe rightfully so. But remember your dealing with a small child here.

I use this exercise too. I write what i want to say to her here and then let the posters ive me feedback. All your feelings and anger is VALID. But BPD's cannot validate your feelings because they only care about their feelings. And remember the emotions of a BPD are a mile wide and an inch deep. She won't get this. She will take this as you slamming her choices, and criticizing her.

The unfortunate thing is that they cannot process our emotions because they don't have the emotional maturity to regulate their own. nor do they have the emotional maturity to feel empathy for you or any others. Only when they "want" to and that is extremely selective and short lived.

It's good that you write it here. I would imagine it felt good to get it out but sending it would A.) Make you feel better yes B.) Cause a rift with her that will paint you black again if your not already. C.) Will not repair her.

You did and said what you want. The only way your going to get the last word in is by NC. I have come to believe that NC is getting the last word. MY word. YOUR word.

As hard as it is don't send it. I know it's hard but if I can do it you can. I'm a big pussy and always feel like I need to "right" things but I learned there is no "righting" things. So save yourself the heartache and pain and NC.

I'm pulling for ya

Logged
ArtistGuy70
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 856


« Reply #32 on: November 05, 2010, 09:56:31 AM »

No, I never send anything to her. No contact all the way since 9-11. I write this here so I will never have to send it. I know it would fall of deaf ears. She would see me as the persecuting monster. The critical parent. She's not worth it.
Logged
JWS
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Unavailable for now
Posts: 362


« Reply #33 on: November 05, 2010, 10:23:34 AM »

No, I never send anything to her. No contact all the way since 9-11. I write this here so I will never have to send it. I know it would fall of deaf ears. She would see me as the persecuting monster. The critical parent. She's not worth it.

EXACTLY!

Good move we both use this tool and it does help. Proud of you!
Logged
gertrudeknicker

Offline Offline

Posts: 5


« Reply #34 on: November 05, 2010, 12:02:21 PM »

I want to call her and suggest we get back together. I am writing these words here instead of breaking no contact... .Do you miss me baby?Are you better now? How is therapy going?I am getting better. I do not feel as afraid of you as I did when you were living here... I wonder if I am strong enough now to stand up to you when you rage instead of begging you to leave me alone and wanting to hide under the bed.I wonder what would have happened if I had been stronger,if I had not lost myself.If only,If only... .Do you think couples counseling would fix it?... .If only I could find a wayto not be triggered by you. If only I could find a way not to crumble into tiny bits whan you "process" with me. If only you had not layed hands on me, maybe I could have put up with the verbal  CONFUSION.Maybe I could have kept my joy and my light.If only I had not surrenderd my power to you... .Maybe when I have my power back we can try again... .
Logged
JWS
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Unavailable for now
Posts: 362


« Reply #35 on: November 05, 2010, 12:24:46 PM »

Maybe when I have my power back we can try again... .

You do realize the chances of this are as good as catching the chupacabra right?

Good that you process this here than re-engaging with her!

NO CONTACT WORKS!
Logged
anker
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: in a good relationship now with a kind fellow
Posts: 631


« Reply #36 on: November 06, 2010, 11:57:34 PM »

I WISH SOMEONE WOULD KICK HIM IN THE SHINS.


I had a little angry memory moment today. Needed to vent safely.
Logged
BillP
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 438



« Reply #37 on: November 07, 2010, 12:34:01 AM »

Thankfully, at this time, I'm all done with venting about the ex. Still holding out that I can be convinced about this Karma-thing. Not quite sold on it just yet. I've been reading and hearing about their behvior habits, and how they can become predictable. I'm not sure my ex falls into that catagory.

Maybe it's too soon after the breakup. 8 weeks n/c, and I'm cool with that. Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
angry hurt
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: seperated after living together for 6 months
Posts: 129


« Reply #38 on: November 08, 2010, 07:46:01 AM »

I'll go right now since I need to!

C,

I have so much anger towards you right now. I have so much hate in my heart. Yes, it's still mixed with feelings of love, sorrow and pity. How could you do this? How can you be like this? Why lie to me all those years? Sure, you didn't want me to know about your past r/s with your boss. How could I ever trust you then? How could we ever have a chance if I knew the truth? So you kept it from me. You broke it off with him (remember I found the things he gave back to you). But, how many times did you run to him when you needed, in your words, "someone to lean on?"

You had your breakdown after being off of your meds. You did not see me as your rescuer anymore. I got so tired. So drained from it all. I just could not keep it going. You left. You ran to him. You got your new jewelry, trip and money for your landscaping problem. Who knows what else? I found out. You lied. And lied. And lied again. Why? Keeping me on the side for when you NEED me? When you changed your mind? When you got lonely? Nope. I cannot let this pass. I could not ever trust you again. You claim you never cheated. How can I believe you when you are a pathological liar?

You hurt me. You betrayed me. You broke my heart. Go. Go off with him. Then again, you can't. He's married. Even though he's now separated from his wife, you discarded him for awhile too. You'll go back whenever you need someone. This new guy you're with has no idea what you're like. No idea that you have illicit affairs with your boss. No idea that you go through life using people.

You'll be alone in the end. Just like you always said you would be. Alone.

this is so what i want to say. its unreall how close it is to what im thinking right now
Logged
ArtistGuy70
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 856


« Reply #39 on: November 08, 2010, 07:46:38 AM »

Time for another "email to her."

C,

Just wanted to let you know I finally logged onto the modeling site and saw your posts. You were feeling good for doing the diabetes walk again in memory of your father. I'm glad. You were on posting pictures of the new couch you're getting from your mother. You were saying how you were getting the inside of your house painted and you were getting a new deck put outside. I wonder where you are getting the money. I am sure you are getting a portion of it, if not all of it, from your boss. Just like after your surgery he made sure all of your lawn work was done for free from his workers. What a great guy. I was so blind.

Well, I had another date yesterday and hardly thought about you the whole time. I think that's a great sign. You really screwed up something great. You are so disturbed you will be like this your whole life. I thank you for leaving and waking me up to who you really are. I could have been stuck. I am discovering myself again. I lost 42 lbs. I want to lose another 33 lbs. I am feeling better. I am not as depressed. I have another date this Wednesday and look forward to it. Life is getting to be new and exciting again. Sadly, it won't be for you. Just in spurts. I tried to help. I tried to be there. Now, you have yourself. You'll be alone one day as you always said.

A
Logged
ArtistGuy70
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 856


« Reply #40 on: November 08, 2010, 07:47:18 AM »

angry hurt,

Write it here. Get it out. Write it all out. Don't send it, just write it all out here.

We're all here for you.
Logged
grimalkin
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: broken up for three months
Posts: 638


« Reply #41 on: November 08, 2010, 08:20:06 PM »

Still the same old s***.  I abandoned him, so I'm the bad guy.  Nevermind all the reasons why I did.  He's all caught up in his self righteous anger and minimizes the abuse, verbal, emotional and physical.  He is insane.

Grim
Logged
grimalkin
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: broken up for three months
Posts: 638


« Reply #42 on: November 08, 2010, 09:56:25 PM »

B,

You took me for granted-- all the love, support and nurturing, and just BEING there for you, in your pain, to listen to you and comfort you, all that meant nothing, obviously.

You're mad at ME for leaving, but you STILL refuse to see WHY I left.  You refuse to see your own part in it.  You're acting like a child, throwing tantrums instead of facing up to responsibility and owning your own s***.  At what point, exactly, did it become okay to use me, manipulate me with your stupid and transparent games, and ABUSE me-- at what point did it become okay to belittle, shame, degrade, and hurt me, leaving bruises on me that I had to cover with long sleeves on hot days?  Who taught you that?  Your manipulative and disapproving mother, or your imbecillic, alcoholic and rageful father?  Was it both?  :)o you have ANY idea how to behave in an adult relationship?

Funny, it's obvious now that we were playing two very different games.  Trying to reason with you was like playing checkers with a spoiled 4 year old child.  You'd cheat, then claim you hadn't, then call me a liar.  If I made a good move, you'd accuse me of cheating, and eventually you'd just throw the whole board against the wall and I'd have to listen to accusations, lies, distortions, deflections and blame.  Being a reasonable person, I tried to see things your way and make the peace, but that was never what you really wanted.  To you, winning an argument was wearing the other person down with your hate, and you played dirty-- as obvious as you were you would just get LOUDER and more violent, until I eventually backed down.  THEN you felt so proud of yourself, strutting around like an idiot.

YOU of all people KNOW how hard it is for me to get truly angry.  The few times I DID lose my temper with you were interesting, and so very telling:  I'd finally tell you, in my I'M F***ING SERIOUS VOICE to "SIT THE F*** DOWN AND SHUT THE H*** UP.  I'm SICK of your BULLS__T!  I'm nothing but good to you and all you can do is blame and delfect and accuse me of crazy s*** you KNOW I didn't do-- I will NOT have this ALL BE MY FAULT!  STOP BEING SUCH AN A**HOLE AND SHUT YOUR F***ING TRAP!"

You know what?  You did.

When I'd get that pissed, you knew you'd really f***ed up.  You were so pathetic, hiding under the covers while I finally let you have it, with both barrels.  You deserved every word, and more.

I would just tell you that this was NOT how this was going to go down, PERIOD.

I should have done that more often.  It was the only language you understood.  

I'm so glad I had a chance to tell you you're insane, to your face.  You are, and I'm done with you.  I don't need your money, your hate, your abuse, or anything else about you.

You will end up alone.  You are no good to anybody.

Grim

Logged
JWS
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Unavailable for now
Posts: 362


« Reply #43 on: November 08, 2010, 11:43:32 PM »

P,

I'm not writing you to say I'm sorry. I'm not writing you to absolve you of blame like before. I'm not writing to try and be a viable part of your life. I'm not writing to tug at your heartstrings, I'm not writing to open any doors.

I'm writing to you because I haven't told you ever how you make me feel.

LIKE S__T MOST OF THE TIME!

I feel bad that you feel the way you do. Not because of the reasons you may think, but for the reason that i would not wish these type of twisted ideals, all or nothing thinking, and compulsive and obsessive need must be debilitating. I know that I would be pained inside as well.

I'm angry that you decided to idealize me to the point that i became your own personal Jesus Christ. Yes that's what i said. I'm just a man. I wasn't put on earth to hang the sins of your father, you, your enemies, or all the other men you have villified in your life on. That's what Jesus Christ died for. Not me. Then when i couldn't be Jesus my value was nothing. That must hurt to carry that inside and for that I feel sorry for you.

You are very important in the world. I feel for you that the world doesn't feel important to you. One of the most awesome gifts of life I believe is speeding by you and you don't even realize it. The gift of love. I pray that someday you can find the basic principles that drive regard for people, not just me I'm not viable anymore and that's ok,  but people in general, to treat with more humanity, humility, respect and love P, love. As you get older people are indispensable for its the relations you make, and the amount of love you hold for others that I would hope you can experience in full joy. Your happiness and serenity are important to me for no other reason that it will bring you peace. I hope that you do find that peace inside yourself and be who you are. With love.

The truth being that there is some mighty messed up things in your life that I for one am grateful that you did show me the decency of leaving me so that I don't have to watch the debilitating effects those issues have on you as you age. They have already had a huge impact and I fear it will be way worse before it ever gets better and I don't want to witness that. So thank you.

i know the little girl in there P, i told you that when we first met. I told you that your just a little girl who wants to feel safe. I'm sorry that no one can get close enough to you to make you feel safe. You haven't allowed it. Your history is of your own doing and you can't blame everyone for that. To tell you that I wanted to make you safe only shows my codependent defect, trying to take care of you. Reality is that you can't take care of yourself. The person you showed me in the beginning I DO TRULY believe lives in you. But the facade of pretending how to be that person killed your vitality. Being that person means tending your own garden. It's your garden, I hope you tend it.  Is it flowering or dying?

Love, Hope and Dreams

Logged
Phoenixrzng
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 66


« Reply #44 on: November 09, 2010, 12:34:06 AM »

omg I just can't believe we are all experiencing the same pain, the same confusion, the same indescribable feelings. And to think that most of us were most likely different people before these experiences... .I know I was. I just hope and pray we can get back some the good parts of us... .only better.

Here is a part of a letter i wrote a few weeks ago when I was fuming. This was after I found out he had been having a 3 yr affair, spending our money on her and hiding money as well and so much more. I made friends with his girlfriend ( he actually introduced us) and I told her all about his illness. She started to see what a good person I was and couldn't deal with it any longer and told me the truth about what was going on. He lied to her  BIG TIME also! We both went NC with him. I bet he is dying because he has lost his narcissistic supply... .double whammy.

Hey D,

Now I know why you rarely looked into my eyes. Now I know why your were constantly busy and blamed it on your job. Now I know why you didnt have time or energy to spare. You were too busy hiding... .Hiding the truth... .Hiding the lies... .Hiding your sickness. Busy living in the H*ll you made and having the nerve to complain to me about how stressed you were... .and me listening and supporting you. I always felt I couldn't do enough to help make things easier for you. To make your life more comfortable while you ignored me and my feelings or needs.

You were lost in your madness. All the scrambled thoughts. Constantly fearing the truth would come out--or lost in your sick fantasies.

You must have been miserable at times and completely stressed out. I hope you were and I hope you are now.

I am worthy of soo much more than you could ever give... You are nothing... .you are empty... .you are evil. A lost soul, selfish and sick.

Logged
fogbound
formerly "reevega"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 682


« Reply #45 on: November 09, 2010, 07:14:11 AM »

I want you to try and remember our early days together. Let start with the first night at the hotel where I stayed up all night looking at you sleep and thinking I'd never seen such a beautiful creature. That feeling never went away to this day. Remember curling up into a little fetal ball and allowing me to surround you. You felt safe, you said so, for the first time in your life. You gave me a love note written on a napkin. You shared personal information and concerns about your daughter's wellbeing and I took all the steps and did everything in my power to correct the situation. We won as a team. I also corrected the situation with your son and your mother. I did it for you because it was the right think to do.

I trusted and loved you enough to take on all your financial problems even going as far a buying you a house while we were still dating. I replaced your car with 3 new ones in succession. I bought you expensive pets then saw to it that they were treated by the finest vets when there were problems. I got you that perfect cat. I let you buy what you needed for yourself and the kids. I let you do what you wanted with your education, in fact I encouraged it. I took care of your children's medical needs with the best care.

I made love to you because there was no other way to handle it because I truly loved you with every cell in my body. I honored your body and never forced myself on you. I cooked for you as a gift. I was open to your family and the few friends you had. I trusted you with our finances all of which I provided. I never asked you to do anything I wasn't prepared to do. I sacrificed my relationships with my kids, friends and family in order to please you and keep the peace.

I would have taken a bullet for you without a moment's hesitation.

You threw all of it away because of your disease with you refused to accept. You lied, stole my money, degraded me while I was dong for you. You isolated me from everyone and took great pleasure in my suffering, much of which you caused. You were the only person in my life to hit me in the face or point a gun at me. You took my home from me by a well planned program of deceit and you ruined my finances through greed and irresponsibility without a care in the world. You blame me for everything bad in your life as you live like a queen in what was my castle.

Nothing will ever be good enough for you. This I know because you had the perfect husband and could have had the perfect life, something you always told me you wanted more than anything else.

I am angry at myself for not seeing you for what you were and being so co-dependant that I needed someone like you to testify to my self worth. I'm angry at you for destroying damn near everything. What a letdown you were. Just a beautiful empty shell. I wish nothing good comes your way. You simply don't deserve it.
Logged
David Dare
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: broke up in 10-2009
Posts: 836


« Reply #46 on: November 09, 2010, 05:06:28 PM »

Dear X,

It's been over a year since we were together.  It's a shame that it ended the way it did, with you cheating on me, however, this is how you operate and it validated my long-standing hunch.  I guess, for that reason alone, I'm glad it happened, because now I know I was correct.

You did a marvelous job of casting me as a persecutor.  So many times you accused me of making you feel a certain way that had no basis in sound reasoning.  Maybe being around me made you feel childish because you were actually acting childish.  Maybe being around me made you feel like you were being judged because you knew you were plotting to betray me and actually felt guilty about it.  Nobody can make you feel guilty, only you can.

You whisked me away to fantasy land, and, despite the outcome, it was fun while it lasted.  I appreciate the deep discussions we had about spirituality.  They were open-minded, and, although we had our differences, you were honest with me, and you allowed me to express myself as well.  I apologize if I never did quite understand your point of view, but now, after the fact, I think I have a better grasp.

The Divine doesn't dictate the choices you make, X, you do.  The Divine doesn't bear the weight of the consequence of your actions, X, you do.  Stop blaming your responsibility in life, or lack thereof, on the Divine.  But, I understand now why you cling to this belief.  You desperately need this belief to keep your tattered self-image stitched together, shifting all blame and accountability to the Divine. 

When we were together, I helped you edit your resume, encouraged you to follow leads, which resulted in you getting hired as an after-school tutor for elementary school children, your foot in the door in your dream field of children's education.  Since we split and you went back to your alcoholic ex, rekindling your bar-hopping days, you left that job and are now working part-time at a pizza shop and a coffee shop.  How is the Divine treating you lately?

When we were together I continuously stressed that I wasn't lying and never would.  I must admit now that this is not true.  There was one lie.

After meeting your father you asked me my opinion of him.  I said he seemed like a decent guy.  I lied, but how do I tell someone that I think their father is a dirtbag without offending them?  He never made eye-contact with me.  On the few occasions when we visited him it was like I wasn't even in the room.  And when you entered the room his eyes scanned you like you were a piece of plump juicy sex-steak.

You shared with me grizzly stories of his sexual deviance, cocaine abuse, and how your 4 sisters from 3 different mothers all seem to be trapped in their own misery.  You expressed to me how you are trapped, too, and how you desperately want to escape that.  My dear, you are not a fool.  You studied psychology.  You understand the impact of family of origin.  My opinion of your father wouldn't miraculously make him a better man and negate your childhood, nor, for that matter, can the Divine.

How silly was I to think I could help you find security when chaos is not only what you thrive in, it's how you were taught to behave.  That isn't my fault.  I now know it's pointless, a losing battle.  You express desire to change but lack the initiative to do so.  I can't change you, only you can.

In spite of the emotional abuse I endured, you bent me but didn't break me.  In fact, I think I may have been a little bent when we met.  Thank you for pointing that out to me.  I've been hammering away at it ever since. 

I wish you and the Divine all the best.

Dave
Logged
David Dare
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: broke up in 10-2009
Posts: 836


« Reply #47 on: November 09, 2010, 05:25:39 PM »

I'm angry that you decided to idealize me to the point that i became your own personal Jesus Christ. Yes that's what i said. I'm just a man. I wasn't put on earth to hang the sins of your father, you, your enemies, or all the other men you have villified in your life on. That's what Jesus Christ died for. Not me. Then when i couldn't be Jesus my value was nothing. That must hurt to carry that inside and for that I feel sorry for you.

Wow.  This resonates with me.  I used to think "She sucked the Jesus out of me".  Thanks, JWS.
Logged
ArtistGuy70
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 856


« Reply #48 on: November 10, 2010, 06:41:27 AM »

Good posts everyone. I need one today too.

C,

I guess I could never be that man to make you happy, huh? You said when we broke up that you were going to find someone to make you happy. Good luck with that. You can only make you happy. You'll never be happy until you're happy inside and like yourself. You hate yourself inside. You are filled with so many demons. And you expected me to save you. To take it all away. To heal you. To punish all of those who came before me. To give you a new identity. To help make you into that model you always wanted to be. To give you purpose. To give you that new subsumed identity: you, me and a baby. To make you feel valid, wanted, worth something. To prove to your parents, everyone else, especially yourself, that you are a good person. I wanted to. I tried to save you. I couldn't. No one can. You don't want to be saved. You want to be the victim. Drowning in the waves, never swimming to safety.

You lied to me. LIED. For years about who your boss was. LIED. How many times did you hit_ him while we were together? Was it worth it to get what you wanted? Validation? Shoes? Money? Time off? Landscaping? Jewelry? Liar. hit_ing liar. You have no self respect. No dignity. No integrity. Just someone I could never trust. A liar and cheater. Have fun in your life. The next guy, whoever he is, won't know what you do. What you are. One day you'll be what you always said you'll be: alone. It's what you deserve. By the way, I am going to have a blast on my date tonight!

A
Logged
grimalkin
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: broken up for three months
Posts: 638


« Reply #49 on: November 10, 2010, 08:56:30 AM »

B,

I'm so angry and hurt by what happened to us.  I still love you.  I miss you.  I'm scared and alone now and I don't know how I'm going to support myself.  You did take good care of me, in my illness.  Being bipolar means I may never be able to make enough money to be on my own-- you knew this and paid almost all our bills, and tried hard to be supportive as best you could.  Did it finally get to you?  Is that part of why you came to resent me so?  You say no, but I can't help but wonder.

I got healthier the longer we were together.  I could see the improvement in myself.  I was able to go back to work, I lost a lot of weight, I became more attractive and more functional in general.  This is why your change in attitude was so hurtful and puzzling.  We started out so good-- we were like two halves of the same whole.  You were sick, too-- you were so easily scared and anxious, and your emotions were so fragile.  Plus you smoked SO much weed, every day, and that just made everything worse.  I was there for you, emotionally and physically, and took are of you too, so you could get off the weed and stop feeling those horrible panic attacks.  You became healthier too.  We both had a newfound purpose to our lives, to take care of each other and love each other.  Making love to you was the most incredible feeling I'd ever had.  I've never felt so in tune and close to anyone, and you said the same, and I believed you.  Just being together made us feel so content and safe.  I'd known you 20 years and knew you were like me, with the same temperament and view of the world.  Being with you was like finally being home.  U wanted to marry you.

What happened to us?  You stopped trusting me, and then the rules changed.  You would get so angry with me, and if I tried to defend or explain myself, you would just get worse.  Some of the things you said were so crazy-- the accusations and blame and deflection of any responsibility.  I tried to comfort you, but you eventually wouldn't have it.  If you wanted to be angry, you'd just do it, with no empathy for how any of it made me feel.  I noticed this lack of empathy during arguments early on and pointed it out to you, and you swore you'd get better, but I guess that's easier said than done.  You swore a lot of things, like you'd never hurt me, emotionally or physically, and I guess that was wishful thinking, too. 

I know you love me, and I know if you could, you'd be taking care of me right now, and that that's what you really want.  I know I hurt you so badly when I left.  You told me you felt empty and useless.  I know you miss me.  I miss you, too.  I miss your family, especially your mother and the little ones.  I had grown to love them and wanted to be a part of your family, as well as your life.  I miss the tenderness we still shared, and watching movies with you and cuddling.  I miss talking with you.  I miss knowing where my life was headed, and knowing there was someone who really cared about my well being who would see to it that I never wanted for anything.  I just don't understand the resentment and the hatred I felt from you.  I never understood why it was okay to see me as the enemy, take my love for granted and manipulate me so, much less violate me physically.  I trusted you, and you betrayed that trust, far, far worse than anything I could ever have done to you.

I'm sorry I disappointed you, that I wasn't the answer to everything wrong with you and your life, and that I wasn't the perfect girl after all.  You disappointed me too.  I expected unconditional and consistent love and didn't get it.

Now here we are, apart after only 14 months.  It's sad and it's wrong.  I couldn't live under the same roof anymore, with all your resentment and hate, scrambling for the crumbs of love and affection you'd throw out for me when you saw fit.  You say I took the easy way out, that I should have stayed and worked on the relationship with you.  It was NOT easy-- it was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I DID stay, perhaps longer than I should have, hoping against hope that things would get better, but they never did.  I was terrified of you-- you had left bruises on me three times-- was I supposed to wait for a punch in the face?  The emotional abuse is harder to quantify, but suffice it to say I was always afraid of saying or doing something to make you angry, because once you'd start you wouldn't stop.

I see how this is how you treat your mother.  I know I was mommy to you in the beginning.  Did i become an irritating burden like her after a while?  U never thought I'd say this, but she was terribly jealous of me.  She wants you for her husband and I'm afraid she let you get away with far too much bad behavior as you were the favorite child.  Now you have issues with women I wish you could have seen and done something about before we got together.

I'll always love you, B.  I wish there could have been anything else I could have done.  I'm scared and lonely and I miss you.

Grim
Logged
ufoureah

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 40


« Reply #50 on: November 10, 2010, 09:52:24 AM »

30 days after our break up. 6 days of NC... .

GD I want to hear from you...

I miss you more than anything else I have ever missed.

Don't you see that you have BPD... .You are seeing the therapist and yes you are working on mindfulness. Iam the bad guy because I broke up with you on the phone. I called you a freak and you now say iam verbally abusive.

you are just dealing with your PTSD and your anxiety... learning about mindfulness.

It's more complicated than that... .

Why are you wasting our time...

I love you...

I just wished you would call and tell me the same

I miss and love you

and I still want to marry you

D... .
Logged
Phoenixrzng
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 66


« Reply #51 on: November 10, 2010, 11:22:38 PM »

This is killing me. Sometimes I want to call to hear your voice and "pretend" everything is not damaged beyond repair.  I know I am only remembering the good parts of our relationship. But it is all an illusion. You distorted things so much for me that I actually was satisfied with 10 minutes of sanity here and there. It was the only time I felt relief. I mistook relief for happiness. It was only me wishing and pretending things were normal. That little bit of normality that would appear once in a while was just enough to deceive me into staying.

Someone once asked me "why are you happy with crumbs or a slice when you deserve the whole pie?" They were so right.

I just got fragments of Love and moments of happiness. This is not enough. What is wrong with me? What did you do to me? How were you able to tear me down so badly that I was willing to settle for so little? How could you do that to another human being that was loving and good to you? You saw my heart and knew somehow that you could take advantage.

I am tired of asking HOW? and WHY?... .It is maddening. I will no longer ask myself how or why you do/did what you do/did. I will only ask MYSELF how and why I did what I did so I will never do it again with another... .and with YOU especially!

I get so frustrated with the thoughts that run through my mind because I can't verbalize them to you. You don't understand a word. You don't care to even try to comprehend. You claim I am bashing you when I talk about how you have treated me and the things you have done. You just don't want to face the truth about yourself. The awful, cruel, heartless person that you are. You refuse to feel an ounce of pain, remorse, or shame. When you start to cry, you either end the conversation, get hostile and defensive, or make a joke. I am NOT laughing!.

I want to call you and scream the most horrible things I can think of into the phone so you that you will feel as terrible as you have made me feel. I want you on your knees begging me and God for mercy and forgiveness. I want you to admit what a broken, damaged person you are, and that you were never worthy of my time or love. I want you to pay for the years you stole from me. I want the happiness you took away. I want every undeserving second of wasted time back from you.

I will get my revenge by getting past this and never giving your pathetic *ss a second thought. I will pay you back eventually by you finding out I am living a good and peaceful life without you while you still struggle to chase after the happiness you can NEVER experience because of how sick you are.
Logged
grimalkin
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: broken up for three months
Posts: 638


« Reply #52 on: November 11, 2010, 10:04:03 AM »

B,

Your texts yesterday were amazing.  I didn't know someone like you could actually exist.  It's like a bad thriller or something.  The attempts to get me back, all the while raging at me, deflecting all responsibility, using childish phrases like "I told you so", bullying and blaming, and your eloquent use of ALL CAPS for most of the missive was entertaining and dumbfounding.  Then you claimed I was holding onto the past and refusing to look forward in order to come back and make this right, this RIGHT AFTER you brought up some minor transgression of mine from over a year ago and hailed it as a devastating betrayal of your trust, and the excuse for the conditional love you hung over my head like some carrot on a stick.  Plus you managed to call me stupid, helpless and childish as well.  Wow.  Your claim that I either come back to you or wind up alone and scared forever was particularly interesting.  Project much?  EVERYthing you said about me was actually true about yourself, not me, and you refused, as always, to discuss or apologize for anything.  You ordered me to come home and "BE F***ING PATIENT" with you, and maybe with time you'd get better.  When I told you you had to be patient too, that's when you came back with "I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING!"  So childish  I'm sad your mommy let you get away with this.  She was too indulgent with you and early on you learned that being loud and menacing got you what you wanted.  Well, not in this case.  You just look completely batsh** to me.

What you SHOULD have done, if you had half a brain in your head, was admit your're you're lonely and scared without me.  Follow that up with a REAL, authentic apology for the hell you put me through, emotional, mental and physical.  At least admit you have a problem and that I didn't deserve any of it.  Then you'd need to promise to get over your resentment for me and stop bringing up sh** that happened in the past and let it go.  I've apologized over and over for them and what's over is over.  I forgave you for all you did to me, and kept doing to me, and never brought it up again.  That's the adult thing to do.  Once something's worked out, it's over.  Then promise me you'd get treatment or at least therapy like I asked you to, and that you'd work on this without me for several months before asking me to come back.  Instead you chose to bully me yet AGAIN, and insult me and attempt to blackmail me and scare me into going back to you.

Why on EARTH do you think anyone would respond favorably to that sort of treatment?  Haven't you noticed YET, in your 40 years on this earth, that people leave you when you treat them like that?  All except your mother, who thinks the sun shines out of your ___ no matter how you speak to her.  She doesn't count, because her motives are simply to have you for her husband, and from what I can see, it's working.  Everyone else thinks you're a loony and stops being around you.  Girlfriend after girlfriend you torture, and they leave, and you still don't get the point.

Again, all I can say is Wow.  You are by far and above the most f***ed up person I have ever known.  Your transparency is the thing that gets me the most, that and how stupid you must really think I am. 

No thanks.  Just send me my things like you promised you would then get the hell out of my life.  Go back to writing your own tragedy all by yourself.  I want no part in it.

Grim
Logged
JWS
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Unavailable for now
Posts: 362


« Reply #53 on: November 11, 2010, 10:43:03 AM »

Bravo Grim,

Didn't that feel good?

of course we want to say all this to them but they won't get it.
Logged
grimalkin
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: broken up for three months
Posts: 638


« Reply #54 on: November 11, 2010, 11:06:23 AM »

Bravo Grim,

Didn't that feel good?

of course we want to say all this to them but they won't get it.

JWS-- I DID say some of those things to him in person, near the end when I had finally given up and gotten so frustrated and sick of his bull**** that I didn't just give in to him anymore.  I did tell him he was making no sense, that he was acting like a child and that reasonable adults don't talk to each other this way.  His response was just to get louder.  Three times I was able to silence him, as I'd get my angry mommy voice and just tell him NO, knock this sh** off right now!  This is NOT how this is going to go down!  It took a lot to get me there, mostly his whiny, self indulgent blaming that would just go on and on.  Normally I could never pull that off.  Seriously, I had to sink to the level of playing the angry mommy before he'd shut his trap.  I did tell him he was acting like a lunatic once, and another time that he was crazy.  In retrospect that actually shut him up, too-- maybe he knew?  I'm glad I said it.  Maybe no one else ever has had the courage to tell him to his face.

Thanks for your support, by the way.  You've been very encouraging  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Grim
Logged
JWS
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Unavailable for now
Posts: 362


« Reply #55 on: November 11, 2010, 11:30:31 AM »

I would love to tell mine that. I would also doubt I will ever get the chance. Because quite frankly she's moved on, I'm grateful, and I don't even want to be in the same room as her. I have to in a court case coming soon but all i have to talk to is the judge I don't owe her anything. She owes me MONEY.

The weird part is that she acknowledges it, proclaims that she will pay me in full ALL OF IT, but she won't just pay me rather she would be pulled into small claims court. Is this just the last thread to be cut that she doesn't want to cut? I do!

Your doing well Grim, I find your posts inspirational and sad all at the same time. I guess all of us have that weird dichotomy going.
Logged
anker
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: in a good relationship now with a kind fellow
Posts: 631


« Reply #56 on: November 14, 2010, 01:20:40 AM »

"Have fun being a dad"


That poor woman.
Logged
CVA
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 709



« Reply #57 on: November 14, 2010, 11:28:14 PM »



Hope you are well, and i am sure you are,!  as i know i have showed you a great place and gave you the best i could and a great church... I only wanted the best for us.

I thank you for not showing up in court and following thru with all your threats, you have made in the past.  and that have hung over my head all year. I saw the email you wrote to your dad, about how you were going to stahl for time, and gain leverage, and how you are in no hurry for divorce... I have lived with this from the day i saw it when you showed me JIms reply letter to us. and i did some snooping, when your back was turned...   How culd you say you love me and make the claims you say, with a ltter like this?  I still hung in there for you the best i culd and gave you a chance... .but it seemed that this was all some plan to use me.  and to get ahead in life,

I think you need to know the truth to why i left you...   you never were a wife... and it had no love in it and from the tone of the letter you never had my best interest...

you had your ring off

you made threats that another man was going to have you... .AGain how could you say such things to a husband you claimed to love.

you lied about being pregnant... how dare you put such stress on me, and then a miscarrgae... .how awful of you to make such claims to me, knowing it was a lie. and had two tests that proved negative... when we all know you had a unrinary track infection, and also possibly hormone issue with new suppliments... But instead you decided to punish me for somehting that was not real. only real in your mind

This alone i had to change my number , to gain some clarity, as you were being very manipulative.


Yes, i have had to see just how black your heart could be, and the calculated evil in it, in that letter to your father... how horrid it was for me to find it, and how much it grieved me.  and the FEAR of getting cose to you,and the deep sorrow it has caused in my heart, to know the woman i loved was a Facade, a illusion,  no wonder ERIC left you and could no longer talk to you, and made me wanna puke... and sick, ... .    You will probaly deny ever writing it... you have been smearing my name, rewriting history and telling a big fat lie.  with no empathy to how you affect others, or what you have put me thru.   I shared the best things in life with, you for you to only crap on me,  with your distorted views, and what not,

go ahead tell others what you need to tell them,, and how you cant be around me,   we know you cannot own up to anything you done,. your mind wont let you, others have to be to blame, you have to paint others black so you can feel good about yourself,,

you really hurt me, and i had to run from you becuase you were destroying me,.  i had to save myself... . 


Im regret finding that letter , for it brought so much pain... .but now that i see how you truly been acting and hw you hav moved on so fast... .It waas God showing me the truth, and a huge bullet to dodge,, How could you ever think i would invest in you , and trust you, and be a husband any longer to a woman who had a plan to destry me, with no remorse, no compassion, and whos view of God is to smite me... .

Belive what you need to,,.   I know i will get better...   you will have to live with your illness, 

Your abuse to me,, And you HIT me only 3 days being in town,... use sex as a tool,  I have came to the understanding that everytime we go to a counslor i get yelled at and abused...

this is not what i want to look forward too.

I have so much hurt from you,, betrayel, and your web of deciet... .you know you never used VAn ATta  ... you know this to be true, and so do I... .

so truth is < i am not able to be around you, its not healthy for me, at all... .and i loved you so so much... .and would have taken a bullet for you,,

this is my closure...    I forgive you!   

Logged
vzp8406

*
Offline Offline

Posts: 35


« Reply #58 on: November 14, 2010, 11:45:38 PM »



Wow, what is wrong with me.  I am hurt and I want to call her.  I want to tell her that I Love her more than anything and we would have gotten married if she wouldn't have hurt me over and over. I can't marry someone that lies and cheats.  Why couldn't she been who I fell in love with.

I miss her,  God I do.

She has a new b/f already,  Guess I didn't mean that much to her. 

Logged
CVA
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 709



« Reply #59 on: November 15, 2010, 12:06:54 AM »

I hate you, i am so angry with you right now, you have brought so much hurt into my life. Why did you say you wanted to marry me. and how i was the only man you ever wanted to spend your life with.

how in only six weeks of our marriage you took off, and gone for a year... .threaten to take things from me. to hurt me... why.?  why what did i evr do to you to cause you to react to me this way... .

Then to say sorry, and say you wanted to reconcile your marriage,, what a fool i was, to let you back in... but i was not totally a fool... I just missed you... and had wanted you to be my lover. how i wanted to believe you truly cared... .

I want to see you in pain... .to feel the hurt you have caused... making life so miserable for us that i wanted to run away and save myself... .to run away... but i stayed . just another day. and hung in there day to day... a;; the while thinking you would change  that i would here you truly profess your love to me,, to take back all the things you have said, to sabotage our marriage... i wanted to hang on... But i now have ran... and now i run... .

i filed for divorce, yes i have... and yes . i knew this was the time to do it... as for you had no money and i had to take advantage of this for i new what you would be capable of had i not... .I sought counsel from therapist, god heads, and councler,, i have coverd my bases and got second and third opinions.   they all said to run... .

I knew my heart would break... .and there was no denying how much it was connected to you, for you did hve some great days... and there were things i so loved about you,. but the compassion, and intimacy, i needed as a man, you did not posses,, you were not ready for role as wife... .

We are now divorced, 3 days, now,, you never showed up... .why... .i know its becuase you did not have to, and could not face the issue. and really just needed a way out it seems.  and now i am black... .your hit_ing games have hurt me... your lies have destreoyed me, oh how i want to expose you and conftn you, with the knowledge i have... . 

i hear you say you are doing so well,  the best you have ever been... .somehow morphed into the woman I desired,, and not the child you been...   i feel so disrepsected by you,, how you lied to me, false claims of being pregnant, when i went NC with you... and how you punished me.

ugh  im tired  neeed to go to bed.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: 1 [2] 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!