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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Post HERE instead of breaking NC  (Read 6834 times)
ArtistGuy70
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« on: November 01, 2010, 06:44:21 AM »

I cannot take full credit for this. I saw this on another website's message board. This can be a great way for us to vent, say something that is on our mind WITHOUT sending it to our ex's. We need to keep NO CONTACT going if we are ever going to heal.
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2010, 06:51:33 AM »

I'll go right now since I need to!

C,

I have so much anger towards you right now. I have so much hate in my heart. Yes, it's still mixed with feelings of love, sorrow and pity. How could you do this? How can you be like this? Why lie to me all those years? Sure, you didn't want me to know about your past r/s with your boss. How could I ever trust you then? How could we ever have a chance if I knew the truth? So you kept it from me. You broke it off with him (remember I found the things he gave back to you). But, how many times did you run to him when you needed, in your words, "someone to lean on?"

You had your breakdown after being off of your meds. You did not see me as your rescuer anymore. I got so tired. So drained from it all. I just could not keep it going. You left. You ran to him. You got your new jewelry, trip and money for your landscaping problem. Who knows what else? I found out. You lied. And lied. And lied again. Why? Keeping me on the side for when you NEED me? When you changed your mind? When you got lonely? Nope. I cannot let this pass. I could not ever trust you again. You claim you never cheated. How can I believe you when you are a pathological liar?

You hurt me. You betrayed me. You broke my heart. Go. Go off with him. Then again, you can't. He's married. Even though he's now separated from his wife, you discarded him for awhile too. You'll go back whenever you need someone. This new guy you're with has no idea what you're like. No idea that you have illicit affairs with your boss. No idea that you go through life using people.

You'll be alone in the end. Just like you always said you would be. Alone.
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SpreadingMyWings
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« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2010, 10:48:55 AM »

Ah Artist Guy - i wish you'd posted this on Saturday because i stupidly broke my nc sat night after a few drinks!  Good idea though - its good to get things out & know its going somewhere!  With regards to your post - you def have alot of unanswered questions & i guess you/me/we need to face the reality that none of these will ever get answered - and if they ever did, it would probably be some sort of bullhit_ made up reasons! 

Also, try to find ways to deal with your anger & hate because it's probably holding you back - i was in your position a couple of weeks ago - felt angry & as if i had a black cloud over my head constantly - it was really getting to me.  Then i thought  Idea lifes too short to feel like this, too short to be bitter because of these people that have came in to our lives & caused us so much hurt, pain & confusion;  so i have began exercising a little bit more, getting proper sleep, trying to eat well & generally looking after myself & i definately feel better for it.  But good for u not breaking the nc & airing here - hope ur well when u read this  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2010, 11:44:24 AM »

Wings, thank you. I am at a loss today. A bad day. A day of thinking about her. Missing her. Questioning myself on what I could have done better. Well, there isn't. She lied. She cheated (most likely). She slept with her boss on/off for ten years to get material things she feels she owed. This is who she is. I never knew. She had a different mask/persona for me. How stupid I was.
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sunrise2010
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« Reply #4 on: November 01, 2010, 11:55:15 AM »

Artist, don’t blame yourself. You loved her! That’s why you were stupid…

Me, I was the most stupid. I can’t have respect for myself. I fell into his trap again, and just because I’m so stupid to think this person has an heart. So stupid.

Hope better days will come for we all.

Great hugs  x

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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2010, 11:58:03 AM »

Artist, don’t blame yourself. You loved her! That’s why you were stupid…

Me, I was the most stupid. I can’t have respect for myself. I fell into his trap again, and just because I’m so stupid to think this person has an heart. So stupid.

Hope better days will come for we all.

Great hugs  x

I guess we were all stupid for loving them, believing them. I took her back a few times but never again. Not after I found out she slept with her boss. Not after I found out what she is. No morals. A user. No remorse or empathy. Cares about HERSELF. Not me, not my daughter. Just herself.
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fogbound
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« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2010, 12:07:38 PM »

It has nothing to do with stupidity. What we were sold was our fantasy and who wouldn't have responded by giving all we had to hold onto it. If we did anything wrong it was not having the self-esteem to get out at the first signs of trouble.
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #7 on: November 01, 2010, 12:09:08 PM »

It has nothing to do with stupidity. What we were sold was our fantasy and who wouldn't have responded by giving all we had to hold onto it. If we did anything wrong it was not having the self-esteem to get out at the first signs of trouble.

You're right about that. I certainly did not have the self esteem to break away. To be honest, if she showed up at my house in that outfit tonight, I am not sure I would be able to resist. Sad.
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fogbound
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« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2010, 12:15:18 PM »

I ask myself the same thing. However, I know that one more recycle would be certain death to me. I would lose everything and everyone. The price is just too high.
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #9 on: November 01, 2010, 12:16:18 PM »

I ask myself the same thing. However, I know that one more recycle would be certain death to me. I would lose everything and everyone. The price is just too high.

I know. I feel if I EVER took her back I would lose my

Health

Self esteem

dignity

self worth

friends

In essence Myself.
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sunrise2010
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« Reply #10 on: November 01, 2010, 12:18:00 PM »

It has nothing to do with stupidity. What we were sold was our fantasy and who wouldn't have responded by giving all we had to hold onto it. If we did anything wrong it was not having the self-esteem to get out at the first signs of trouble.

Sad but right... .
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Mystic
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« Reply #11 on: November 01, 2010, 12:46:59 PM »

It has nothing to do with stupidity. What we were sold was our fantasy and who wouldn't have responded by giving all we had to hold onto it. If we did anything wrong it was not having the self-esteem to get out at the first signs of trouble.

Very true... .
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BillP
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« Reply #12 on: November 01, 2010, 12:52:20 PM »

I ask myself the same thing. However, I know that one more recycle would be certain death to me. I would lose everything and everyone. The price is just too high.

I know. I feel if I EVER took her back I would lose my

Health

Self esteem

dignity

self worth

friends

This is so true for me! However, I did my venting on FB, and I'm pretty sure she saw everything I posted. Which means, I have been painted black permanently. And I okay with that. It does take time to sort through all of the emotions and the behaviour patterns ppl like this go through. This iste has been excellent for a source of understanding & comfort. My best suggestion is to use this site to help in some way deal with what you are going through. I pretty confident that she will never not have me painted black. She will never come back is my guess. And I will have becme a better person for not having her in my life again. These leopards don't change ther spots. It's how they camouflage themselves before they attack their next victim.

Chin up, better days are ahead for you.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

In essence Myself.

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SpreadingMyWings
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« Reply #13 on: November 01, 2010, 12:58:30 PM »

Everyone so right here - the most annoying thing is when you hear everyone around you "if that was me i would have told them to... ." "i wouldnt take that from noone" "you deserve better than that"  etc... .

Yes we know this but when its actually you and your selfesteem is on the ground its so hard to believe.

With your comparison to different mask/persona - this is it - split personality - its as if they are 2 people in 1.  Last Thursday i got 7 hours of abuse through text message saying all sorts from i'm a tramp to he doesnt care if i live or die.  Woke up on Friday to "Totally sorry about that, its because i love you so much it comes out that way.  Wanna go away to a hotel for the night?"   Craziness.  We'll never get the way they think.  Again, just try to not focus on her or her actions instead focus on you, your issues & how you can work on these.  This will also bring up all your qualities & goodness in you - which is what you need to make your priority right now.  :)o you have a lot of things to do?  People around you? x
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brenbabe
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« Reply #14 on: November 01, 2010, 01:05:45 PM »

AG , thankyou for posting this. Ill know where to come if im tempted to engage. So far so good. I think hes fallen off the face of the earth. 6 weeks NC and not a peep.
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Benny
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« Reply #15 on: November 01, 2010, 02:42:20 PM »

My ex contacted me last Saturday and I responded and she came to my house a few hours later and we had a four and a half hour conversation.

In the hours before she arrived I planned how I wanted the conversation to go and I stuck to that plan,forced her to answer questions in a way she couldnt avoid ,she didnt have the chance to rage or criticise me,it was a calm and mature conversation.

Obviously I  have known for a long time she is bp/np but  at the end of it all it showed me how profoundly disordered she really is,how lonely and desperate she is becoming as she ages and gave me the closure we all talk about never getting.

I will now happily go back to NC and I know I will never hear from her again.

I had been NC for over 3 months and it gave me the time to think and heal and the strength to handle her and my feelings on Saturday night.

Im not saying we should break NC but for me it worked and was beneficial because I had over a long,long period of time dealt with so much of the original trauma.

NC is the way to go and I will be sticking to it from now on as I have nothing I need to say to her or know from her.

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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #16 on: November 02, 2010, 06:02:51 AM »

Yeah Benny, I hear you. Remember, there is nothing they can tell us. Most of what comes out of their mouths are lies, distortions, their perceptions, their reality. At this point, I am sure my ex believes herself to be faithful, the good one, etc. I am positive she has lied to herself enough. It's what they do. Lie and justify. Cheat and justify. Convince others and themselves. She knows what she did deep down. She knows that I KNOW. Full of shame. I have nothing I need to say to her.
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Benny
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« Reply #17 on: November 02, 2010, 07:28:07 AM »

Not everything they say is a lie or a distortion or a justification for something.

For instance if they say they played in the high school basketball they did,if they say their first job was as a typist it was etc.

But where interpersonal relationships are concerned they lie,cheat,distort,justify,project,split,disociate all the time about everything,and the more I learn and the more I understand the stronger I become.

The whole reason they are with you in the first place is a complete lie.
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SpreadingMyWings
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« Reply #18 on: November 02, 2010, 09:00:26 AM »

I am sure my ex believes herself to be faithful, the good one, etc. I am positive she has lied to herself enough.

This can really frustrate me sometimes;  my ex cant see that he has ever done anything wrong, well, at least never admits it - even though its him that has cheated, raged, given me more emotional abuse than i ever thought was possible - yet i am the monster, i am the 'hit_/slut/tramp', i am the one who has treated him soo badly bla bla bla... .It can annoy me to know he will be bad mouthing me to all his friends & family but i try to rise above it & remember i know the truth... .ah its hard though isnt it !
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #19 on: November 02, 2010, 09:06:56 AM »

I am sure my ex believes herself to be faithful, the good one, etc. I am positive she has lied to herself enough.

This can really frustrate me sometimes;  my ex cant see that he has ever done anything wrong, well, at least never admits it - even though its him that has cheated, raged, given me more emotional abuse than i ever thought was possible - yet i am the monster, i am the 'hit_/slut/tramp', i am the one who has treated him soo badly bla bla bla... .It can annoy me to know he will be bad mouthing me to all his friends & family but i try to rise above it & remember i know the truth... .ah its hard though isnt it !

Sorry to hear this. They are pathological liars. They distort the truth. I believe they WANT to believe they did nothing wrong. Otherwise, they would have to take blame. My exgf swears she was never unfaithful to me while evidence all points to this (as well as her running off with her married boss while we were on a break... .she lied and lied about that too until I countered with a picture of them, finally admitting to SOME of it). It was crazy. First she didn't go. Then she only went up for the day. Then she stayed the weekend at the resort but they didn't have sex. Then, this, then that. It was almost comical if it wasn't so painful. They are liars.
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SpreadingMyWings
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« Reply #20 on: November 02, 2010, 10:13:56 AM »

Yes i had similar scenario - once i went over to his to find exgfs car in driveway - on purpose i didnt go in or say anything, instead i remained silent to see what he'd do/say.  I got flowers delivered to my work, then i went over asked him what he'd done the night before - 'went to my mums for dinner' - confronted the car in driveway 'oh she was just in collecting her old bike' - then found out they went for dinner, they didnt have sex though - until she called me a few days later to confirm they did sleep together.  Again, comical - but sore  PD traits
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #21 on: November 04, 2010, 07:37:18 AM »

I need another post.

C,

Well, here we are. I feel like I am out of the Land of Oz. You're still there. With your small fan club. Your lies. Distortions. With your boss that you can run to and use whenever you need something, spreading your legs for him to get what you want. Covering it up. Lying to everyone. He's just a friend, right? Slutting around with some new guy. Lying to him as well. Making sure you sleep with the boss a few times soon so you can get a nice XMas present and bonus. Got to make sure you get your time off like you do every year. Hell, you earned it, right? On your knees anyway.

Enjoy your life. You'll bounce from guy to guy, lying to them, cheating on them to get what you need. You'll never know true happiness or contentment. You have no self respect. You whore yourself out for things. You asked me if I lost all respect for you? I said yes. I asked if you had any respect for yourself. You said no. You don't like yourself. I have a feeling you never will. You mirror. You project. You blame. You take no responsibility. You hurt people and don't even care of the wreckage you leave behind. Not for me. My daughter. My family. His wife and family. You only care about yourself. Sad. Pathetic.

Good-bye.

A
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SpreadingMyWings
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« Reply #22 on: November 04, 2010, 09:40:31 AM »

Sorry ur feeling so angry AG, but well done u posting here + not contacting that slut! ;-)xx
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #23 on: November 04, 2010, 09:42:51 AM »

Sorry ur feeling so angry AG, but well done u posting here + not contacting that slut! ;-)xx

Thank you Wings. You know, she loved being called dirty names like that in bed. I got off on it too. But she used to insist she was only my slut. I see that is not the case now. I hate feeling used and stupid. But she is NOT going to get a reaction from me. No contact all the way. It is the only way to heal and be rid of that DISEASE.

Let them have their blame, issues and psychosis.
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sunrise2010
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« Reply #24 on: November 04, 2010, 09:48:35 AM »

Sorry ur feeling so angry AG, but well done u posting here + not contacting that slut! ;-)xx

Thank you Wings. You know, she loved being called dirty names like that in bed. I got off on it too. But she used to insist she was only my slut. I see that is not the case now. I hate feeling used and stupid. But she is NOT going to get a reaction from me. No contact all the way. It is the only way to heal and be rid of that DISEASE.

Let them have their blame, issues and psychosis.

Yes, sorry for your anger. But anger is the first step for the healing. Better be angry with her than angry with yourself - and be depressed.

hugs artist

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JWS
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« Reply #25 on: November 04, 2010, 09:56:08 AM »

Sorry ur feeling so angry AG, but well done u posting here + not contacting that slut! ;-)xx

Thank you Wings. You know, she loved being called dirty names like that in bed. I got off on it too. But she used to insist she was only my slut. I see that is not the case now. I hate feeling used and stupid. But she is NOT going to get a reaction from me. No contact all the way. It is the only way to heal and be rid of that DISEASE.

Let them have their blame, issues and psychosis.

Oh mine did too. She liked being called my dirty little whore and always told me I was the "best lover she ever had." I'm sure that the new guy has heard that, and 'Your the only one who understand me" and "I don't like people I only like us" And "your such a giver" and many others I could recount. The holidays are coming too and I have been dumped again. Just like last year. I think it's tied to the honeymoon phase. She wants to be in that phase during the holidays and the best way for that is a new guy!

Good for her. I couldn't care less.
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ArtistGuy70
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« Reply #26 on: November 04, 2010, 10:53:49 AM »

Sorry ur feeling so angry AG, but well done u posting here + not contacting that slut! ;-)xx

Thank you Wings. You know, she loved being called dirty names like that in bed. I got off on it too. But she used to insist she was only my slut. I see that is not the case now. I hate feeling used and stupid. But she is NOT going to get a reaction from me. No contact all the way. It is the only way to heal and be rid of that DISEASE.

Let them have their blame, issues and psychosis.

Oh mine did too. She liked being called my dirty little whore and always told me I was the "best lover she ever had." I'm sure that the new guy has heard that, and 'Your the only one who understand me" and "I don't like people I only like us" And "your such a giver" and many others I could recount. The holidays are coming too and I have been dumped again. Just like last year. I think it's tied to the honeymoon phase. She wants to be in that phase during the holidays and the best way for that is a new guy!

Good for her. I couldn't care less.

Yep, same here. She seemed to hate everyone around us. Loved to be called a whore. Best lover she has ever had. And yes I understood her to a point, no one could really in her eyes. So mysterious. They have to keep getting that validation. This is why she easily ran to her boss when we were done. How she can run to a new guy beyond him (but still go back when she needs anything). A whore indeed.
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grimalkin
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« Reply #27 on: November 04, 2010, 11:40:08 AM »

I broke NC yesterday with my exBPbf and wound up in a fight.  It followed the same old pattens as usual-- he would accuse me of something horrible, then when I'd try to explain myself and show him that what I did was in response to his actions, he'd change the subject, never fully owning up to anything.  I explained that I left him because, although I love him, I couldn't handle his resentment, rage and disappointment in me, especially since I would always try so hard to be what he wanted, and be good to him.  He had two responses to those statements: His actions were just reactions to MY behavior Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  and I wasn't always good to him, although he never got around to finding actual examples of how I was not Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

So, as I said in another post, it was all about blame again.  He blames me for everything, but accepts very little.  He says I should have KNOWN he loved me because he paid the bills and helped take care of the house, etc.  But I obviously never loved him because I left him, never mind all the times I told him and proved otherwise.

I guess it really doesn't matter.  I might just be trying to get the last word in.  I feel like I can never make any headway because the blame always rests squarely on me, whatever our problems were.  I guess I've gone from white to black again, and I have to remember he has no empathy when he's upset, so the whole thing's pointless.

Grim
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JWS
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« Reply #28 on: November 04, 2010, 01:15:12 PM »

I broke NC yesterday with my exBPbf and wound up in a fight.  It followed the same old pattens as usual-- he would accuse me of something horrible, then when I'd try to explain myself and show him that what I did was in response to his actions, he'd change the subject, never fully owning up to anything.  I explained that I left him because, although I love him, I couldn't handle his resentment, rage and disappointment in me, especially since I would always try so hard to be what he wanted, and be good to him.  He had two responses to those statements: His actions were just reactions to MY behavior Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  and I wasn't always good to him, although he never got around to finding actual examples of how I was not Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

So, as I said in another post, it was all about blame again.  He blames me for everything, but accepts very little.  He says I should have KNOWN he loved me because he paid the bills and helped take care of the house, etc.  But I obviously never loved him because I left him, never mind all the times I told him and proved otherwise.

I guess it really doesn't matter.  I might just be trying to get the last word in.  I feel like I can never make any headway because the blame always rests squarely on me, whatever our problems were.  I guess I've gone from white to black again, and I have to remember he has no empathy when he's upset, so the whole thing's pointless.

Grim

As i said in an earlier post. Going NC actually lets you have the last word.

YOUR WORD!
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SpreadingMyWings
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« Reply #29 on: November 04, 2010, 05:53:32 PM »

I agree with sunrise here - anger is good - at least u are showing + expressing feeling!  Just don't waste to much time being agree - try to free it from yourself + learn from this;  then learn to love again, don't let this hold u back on living a happy life - which we all deserve  x
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