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Author Topic: So what's wrong with being a caretaker?  (Read 898 times)
grimalkin
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« on: December 23, 2010, 01:30:03 PM »

As long as it doesn't get you into trouble, like getting involved with a BP or forgetting to take care of yourself, why is it bad to be a loving, empathetic and giving person?  I freely admit that I feel empty and like I have little purpose if I'm not taking care of someone else.  I feel fulfilled when I am.  Is that so horrible?  I've always been this way and I don't see why it's such a big character flaw.  If everyone was like this the world would be a better place, IMHO.

Grim
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Travis
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« Reply #1 on: December 23, 2010, 01:35:32 PM »

There is nothing wrong with being a caretaker.  There is a lot wrong with being a caretaker that gets abused by the person you're caring for. 

I my BPDw appreciated what I provide for her and that I do take care of her, then I would be fine with it.  Being the subject of her anger and hatred is a different story. 
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Mystic
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« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2010, 02:05:33 PM »

  There is a lot wrong with being a caretaker that gets abused by the person you're caring for. 

And that to me is the only thing wrong with being a caretaker.  I too am that sort of person.  I enjoy giving to and caring for those I love.  It's gratifying to me. 

Seems however that we're a blinking beacon for people who use and abuse.  We see needy, broken people or they see us, and *wham* we're off for a ride. 

I've decided I need another caretaker.  He and I can take care of each other ad nauseum and the world will be a shiny happy place LOL
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SunflowerFields
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« Reply #3 on: December 23, 2010, 02:12:08 PM »

I've decided I need another caretaker.  He and I can take care of each other ad nauseum and the world will be a shiny happy place LOL

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

My realization exactly.

I just hope we don't need to turn into BPD's for them to find us attractive 

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Mystic
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« Reply #4 on: December 23, 2010, 02:16:00 PM »

I've decided I need another caretaker.  He and I can take care of each other ad nauseum and the world will be a shiny happy place LOL

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

My realization exactly.

I just hope we don't need to turn into BPD's for them to find us attractive 

Well, not BPD, but having been steamrollered by one, I could sure use some TLC... .
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pallavirajsinghani
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« Reply #5 on: December 23, 2010, 08:05:56 PM »

Being a caretaker is a fantastic impulse.  The very survival of the species depends upon it.

The issue is:  Whose care are we taking.

And to what extent are we giving that care.

Whether this instinct is played in a worthwhile appropriate setting or not... .that makes the entire situation worthwhile or not.  The basic instinct in itself is unquestionably moral and ethical on many levels.

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misterfire17

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« Reply #6 on: December 23, 2010, 10:37:22 PM »

I think Livia and others are on track- nothing wrong with being a caretaker. For me the problem with caretaking is quite simple. When givers never see any return.I have been married to my BPDw for 28 years- unhappy for a long long time. Lonely and controlled- all by my choice until recently. I have arrived at the realization that I want to take care of her and she doesn't care about me. This lack of caring is emotional, financial, physical, and directly aimed at anything that makes me the least bit happy.I visited a lawyer last week and plan to go back soon with my financial information to begin the process.

So nothing wrong with being the caretaker if your needs are met. With this said, if you have that sick feeling in your gut even though you try to ignore it or reason it away- brace yourself for a bumpy miserable ride.
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« Reply #7 on: December 24, 2010, 05:20:56 AM »

Excerpt
As long as it doesn't get you into trouble, like getting involved with a BP or forgetting to take care of yourself, why is it bad to be a loving, empathetic and giving person?  I freely admit that I feel empty and like I have little purpose if I'm not taking care of someone else.  I feel fulfilled when I am.  Is that so horrible?  I've always been this way and I don't see why it's such a big character flaw.  If everyone was like this the world would be a better place, IMHO.

I don't want my partner to be my caretaker. As an Adult, I can and should be taking care of myself. I don't want someone shadowing my every move, insisting that it's in my best interest while really hiding the fact that they "feel empty and like they have little purpose if they're not taking care of someone else." That's clinging behavior that's going to do both of us harm and hold both of us hostage.  This is not love, it is need.

Romantic caretakers who derive their self esteem from servitude to me are boundary crashers. Imagine where that takes them when they need "needy" people in order to feel loved. It sets them up to look away from healthy people because healthy people dont need caretaking. Healthy people care about others, but they don't care for others, especially when those others can care for themselves. Healthy Mothers wean their children and send them out into the World to forge their own path.  They dont act out and create drama to rope their children back in. They let go.  I want to be separate and individual. I want to be me, not me and my caretaker.

Most caretakers are altruistic, but with hidden agendas of being either barnacles or remoras.  Either way, I am being used as an object in need. If I am not careful- I will permit the boundary crashing out of kindness.  I can always find out how much damage this boundary crashing has caused -and how much I have been "subsumed" by the clinger, by setting aside time for myself and seeing what the clinger's reactions are. Maybe it's something I've always wanted to do, or see, maybe take a workshop, maybe have my own friends- talk to someone else on the phone- all of this doesn't give the clinger what they want- attention and that sense of purpose to fill up their loneliness and emptiness- so they begin to turn elsewhere to find someone else or they become anxious and cause drama to get my attention.

Clinging behavior turns to hating if I peel the clinger off me to go on my way without them.  Clingers dont want to think that they aren't needed and aren't useful, so they will get mad if I suggest they are free to live their life.  This does not compute as anything other than anger to a caretaker. It is a horrible way to live because a caretaker needs someone to exist for. Without me, eventually the clinger will find someone else who allows them to attach.  If that person is needy, they will manipulate and abuse the caretaker during the ride. I am left only to watch it all and wish for a better outcome for this person who tries so hard for others but fails to see the beauty of themselves.

Living as a caretaker for others doesn't allow you the life you deserve. Instead, it presupposes that your life depends upon the needs of another to get your own needs met.  There is a better way. It begins by looking in the mirror and saying to yourself that the next person you will care-take is yourself. You will wean yourself off of others and forge your own path.  You will let go of others and begin. In all of your years, you are the only person that has never abandoned you. Take kindly your care. Idea

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Travis
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« Reply #8 on: December 24, 2010, 05:27:49 AM »

I want to meet someone who will take care of me a little bit and share the burdens of life.  I am tired of being the only one in the r/s who is resposnible.
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