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Author Topic: OK Leaving Board, soul searching time  (Read 4591 times)
PDQuick
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« on: March 29, 2011, 02:31:38 PM »

Many of you here don't know me, as I have been absent for several months. I came to this board over 4 years ago, and I came here much like all of you, tired, scared, mad, and confused. My partner suffered from N/BPD. We had been together for 13 years, off and on. She was diagnosed about 7 years into the relationship. We never married. She had two kids from a previous marriage that I raised as if they were my own.

When I reached this board, I had two things going for me, well 3. First, I had this board, which if utilized right, will bring a wealth of knowledge, understanding, and personal growth. Secondly, I found a wonderful therapist that helped guide me through alot of confusion. Thirdly, my ex was due to be remarried just 3 months after we broke up, to the next door neighbor. My plate was full.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

The most important part of the healing process is seeing your role in the relationship, and the mistakes that you made along the way.

What I would like for you all to do now, is to share the very first red flag that you saw, how you felt about it, and why you allowed it to fly by without really paying it the attention you see that it now deserves. Lets see if we can identify the precursors to the lives we put ourselves through, and why we did this to ourselves.


Ill start.

When I met her, I was 23 years old. I was the lead singer in a very popular country band at the time. I also worked full time in my trade. I was playing and she walked in. I saw her at the door. She was a beautiful woman.

She got a chair, and sat it directly in front of me at the end of the stage, and it made me nervous. I really couldnt do anything but sing the songs, and look at her. Her directness was appreciated by me, because I was quite shy back then, and didn't have the courage to just walk up to women and start talking to them.

At the end of the set, the band had a list that women could sign up for a dance with the members, and we followed that list. Her name wasn't on it. When I came off stage, I went to the list and called out the first name. I took that lady to the dance floor, only to be interrupted by my new infatuation, insisting that I danced with her. I asked her to put her name on the list, and started dancing with the first lady. Upon the end of that song, I went back to the list and called out the next lady's name. My soon-to-be-girlfriend took me by the hand and insisted that I danced with her again. I said I would when her name came up. She then got mad and abruptly took my Stetson from my head, took it to her barstool, and quickly sat on it, ruining it. 

Within a nanosecond, we were in a big arguement. SHE SAT ON MY HAT!

We glared at each other the rest of the night, with me calling her everything but Mother Theresa under my breath. Within 3 hours, we were kissing in the parking lot.

Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  She disrespected me, my work, my routine, and did I mention, she destroyed a very valuable piece of my property by SITTING ON MY HAT?

But, being single, and shy, I felt wanted by these actions, and I must admit, I felt very special that such a beautiful lady would show such a display over just a dance with me. I was ultimately flattered. It was what I had wanted, someone to prove to me that I mattered. Someone who would fight for me. Someone who thought I was special above all other things in their life. I had found the "passion" that I had longed for. Trouble is, I mistook her actions as passion, and would experience much of the same things over the next 13 years.

So tell me about yours.
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« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2011, 03:00:37 PM »

My first red flag came back in August - we had started dating in March 2010 and everything was going along just swimmingly.  I knew a lot about him, I thought.  I had met his family and we had all gotten along very well. 

He has a cabin at a lake close to where we live and all four of us - him, me, his daughter (then 10) and my daughter (then 7) had spent the weekend down there.  The last day it was raining and he was outside washing down the boat and I was inside cleaning up and watching the girls.

We drove back to my house and he kissed me on the forehead and said he had to get going home.  This was nothing unusual in my mind. 

Typically, he texted me a lot and called me a lot - not in an overbearing way, more of in a staying in touch "talking" kind of way.  I didn't hear from him that night even though I emailed him something he had asked me for earlier in the day.   At the time I didn't think anything much of it.

The next day was a Monday.  He was home (he travels for work) and I was at work.  I didn't hear a word from him all day long.  I remember thinking it was weird and I kept checking my phone.  This was out of character for him.  Nothing that night either.  I did text, and I did call and leave a message.  Still nothing.

The next day - Tuesday, by lunch time I was going crazy.  I left work and drove to his house.  His truck was there so I got out and went and knocked on the door.  He answered and came out - he did not invite me in.  I asked him what was going on.  He proceeded to tell me that he had had a great time with me, but he had decided I wasn't right for him in the long-term and there was nothing more to say.  I was completely blindsided.  Didn't know how to react.  I kept asking what I had done - he eventually said  he thought that I could be manipulative in the future and there was nothing more to say.

I left shattered and confused.  During the conversation I asked if he was ever going to call me back - he said he would have.  I don't know if he would have had I not gone to his house that day.

A day later I wrote an email to him explaining how I felt.  It took him two weeks to respond with a sort of apology email and a request to be heard.  I gave it to him a few days later and we got back together.  He apologized.  I believed him.  I even understood because he had been cheated on by hsi wife and all the people in his life had left him - brother's suicide, mother abandoning him as a child etc.  So it made some sense that he started to feel something and got scared.

That was my first red flag.  What SHOULD have been my frist red flag was a little before that (I think) when he told me that he broke up with his last grilfriend by never calling her again.  I remember saying "WHAT?" and he laughed and said that eventually they stop trying to contact him.

Of course now, after a year and I am in the third time he has done this - cut off all contact with me - I have not emailed, I have not called, I have not texted and I have not confronted him.  I thought after a YEAR with someone and talking about marriage etc. I would be different.  Apparently not.  Its been ten days now.
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« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2011, 03:01:47 PM »

Oh and I forgot to say, when he did apologize after that first time he said he got MAD because I wasn;t out in the rain helping him wash the boat!   I reminded him that I had asked if he needed help and he had said no, and I was inside cleaning up and looking after the girls!
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« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2011, 03:06:57 PM »

First Red Flag. I went to bar where he was at with my friend. He saw me there and we had previously talked on the phone and hung out a couple of times. At the bar there was a girl flirting with him, running her hands up and down his chest, I looked at him and he had a big ole smile on his face. He was reveling in the attention. It made me feel like crap and embarrassed me in front of my friend. I felt like was was not good enough for him in that moment.

I kept pursuing him and eventually we got together. He took on a date to a very nice museum the beach and the pier.

I felt special and like I got the man of my dreams
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« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2011, 03:10:26 PM »

Good Snucker. If you would, tell us why you took him back the first time, what was it in you that ultimately made you dismiss the red flag?

Hi Marcie. It is nice to feel special, isn't it? At that point, what was your life like? What was it that you were looking for? How long had it been since someone made you feel special?
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« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2011, 03:20:40 PM »

I wish mine was so romantic at first  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). However, I was 19, playing bass in two big local metal bands, attending college, and working part-time jobs. I was and still am somewhat of a reserved and shy person. When I was bored late at night, I'd hop onto a metal forum to discuss new bands or slag other people for their choices  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Needless to say, the one person who got into my line of fire was my ex. Very beautiful girl. So what began as a flame war between her and I converged into conversations that lasted until sunrise. Instant message conversations turned to phone calls and a year later, I visited her (she lives about 300 miles away).

She was more of a loner then. An artistic type of girl. A wonderful and talented photographer. The first visit went well and we continued to go to each other's houses for the next 4 years. However, she became more unstable as time passed. Within the first few months of talking on the phone, before I visited her, she told me about her dark past of abuse. First  |>. Of course being a young inexperienced dater, I didn't see these as red flags. Towards the final years (the last two out of five) she began to spiral--but I was already committed to her. Fights over the phone became a weekly thing. She would hack into my personal e-mails and anything she could get into. She tried to control my relationships with other people as time went on. An Aunt would call to check up on me while I was at her house and my ex would get angry--all the while her mom called her every 5 minutes. And the drama during visits increased each time. At one point a girl from class recognized me and waved to me. My ex let go of my hand and ran away from me in front of everybody--including my family who was there with us. But when I went to her house we'd hang out with her guy friends (the wonderful double standards of BPD). The drama increased substantially over time with one of the last visits resulting in her physically attacking me. She eventually began having panic attacks during our fourth year together. She "tried" to commit suicide twice (was more for control than actual self termination). And finally, she began a relationship with someone else while stringing me along. As I've come to find out, she was a loner because she burned through friends like a torch burns through tissue paper. She always stayed at home so I never got to see how two-faced and fake she really was--until she made a couple new friends.

A friend finally came to me out of reluctance and told me that his GF talked to her while at a show I played...and his GF ended up talking about how crazy she was for the remainder of the night.   Wish they told me sooner.

My rose-tinted glasses were cemented to my face for a long time. So why did I stay? A lot of inexperience with women (thought it was normal for a little craziness  ;p ), lust (she was not exactly my first sexual experience but definitely the best), and what I thought was common interest (my tastes for things are a bit uncommon).

I was and still am heartbroken because she eventually left me for someone that doesn't even resemble me whatsoever. He is a polar opposite. And I can't help but think that the past 5 years were a sham and that I poured a lot of myself into an abyss.

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« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2011, 03:31:12 PM »

Somberlain, dig a little deeper. Other than the sexual parts of it, what emotional needs kept you tied into the relationship? Was it that she made you feel special? Were you scared to be out on the single scene again? What were the direct emotions you felt?
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« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2011, 03:40:51 PM »

hmm I can't think of the first red flag with NPDexbf. He was so very clever and I was so under his spell so quickly (that is a red flag, but not one I saw until AFTER). I can also see loads and loads of them now... but at the time I didn't add them all up, didn't really listen to my gut instinct.

I was 27 had left my previous 8 year relationship, taken my small children and moved in with my mother. Our house was being sold and I was due £15,000. NPDexbf was already featuring in my life increasingly. We were friends as teenagers and got back in touch through facebook. We were just friends to begin. I found him a little needy and sometimes strange. He would visit me unnanounced and sit on my sofa not really speaking. Because I knew him already I tried with our friendship, but he was always trying to make a move on me. When he realised I was not going to have sex with him because I was pre-occupied with my current life drama, he ramped up the attention and mirroring. He projected the image of being a man of good virtue, who knows how to treat a woman right. He was always there to talk to me and listen when I needed someone to turn to. In hindsight I wanted to some of those things. My relationship had already collapsed before he turned up. I had no romantic love left for my partner and was staying for financial and children reasons. I didn't want to hurt him, but I did hurt him very badly. He has never believed that I did not sleep with NPDexbf whilst we were still together.

Whilst I was living with my mother, NPDexbf put the pressure on to begin having sex. Once I had sex with him, I was hooked. Utterly hooked.

One of the first that took me aback (and our first ever row) is that he pretty much chickened out on the day we moved house. He had pushed me to take a rental lease with him after we were together for about 5 months. I was unsure and wary but he persisted. The day we were moving in he didn't do one single thing to help. Layed in bed and then disappeared for hours. I was hurt, shocked and upset. I also moved all the stuff into our house on my own. He came back eventually but I could tell he was disinterested. We argued about it but he wouldn't admit to anything and turned it round to me being insecure.

I suppose the first thing that REALLY shocked me was the month after we moved in. I was sorting through a load of paperwork, photos etc of both of ours that had all been thrown in our dining room. Some of the bank statements were unopened but I didn't open them. I was putting them all into piles when an opened one was face up. As I reached down to pick it up, I noticed the words loopylove.com. I had to look at it once I had seen that word. I saw it was a recent one and he had paid £25 membership fee on a direct debit. I then opened all of the other ones and saw he was joined to 3 or 4 different dating or sex websites. He also had vast amounts of his wages going on pre-paid top up mobile phones.

I telephoned him calmly and asked him to explain what it was. He was calm in response but defensive.

I don't know why I did this, but I created a fake profile on one of the sites and eventually found his profile. It said he had been active within the last 3 days.

By the time he got home I had all this proof... he really was in a corner.

By the end of our huge circular argument, him storming off in a mood and not answering his phone for a few hours, he came home and proposed to me.

I accepted it.

I still have no idea quite why. I am confident, I am friendly, I don't have trouble meeting men. But at that time, that 'declaration of his love' stood out through everything. Over time he managed to concoct a trail of stories that I would unravel... but at that time, I forgave him in an instant.

BPDexbf who I met 6 months after this relationship ended was one big  |> from the start. About 10 people told me he was unhinged when he drank. The first proper  |> was when we had been dating for 2 weeks and I hugged a male friend who was moving away. He completely dysregulated with  jealousy and I dealt with it badly.
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TheSomberlain
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« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2011, 03:41:54 PM »

Somberlain, dig a little deeper. Other than the sexual parts of it, what emotional needs kept you tied into the relationship? Was it that she made you feel special? Were you scared to be out on the single scene again? What were the direct emotions you felt?

Oh, definitely. Being put up on the pedestal was a tremendous feeling. I finally felt appreciated for who I was like I never had been before. And by someone who I thought was beautiful? Sold. I put up with a lot of the lows just to catch another high. She made it seem like I had someone that would always be by my side. I felt wanted and needed (and loved too I guess). Her extreme jealousy was perceived as such. I was hoping she'd "grow up" and we'd get past whatever "phase" she was going through. Obviously, it wasn't a phase. It IS her. I was attached to her. But my attachment stems from me losing my father at an early age. I thought, "I can't let another thing I love slip through my fingers again." I talked to her almost every waking minute. Cutting something out like that wasn't something I was about to do on my own but she did it for me. Now I just feel empty, depressed, and jaded. I don't feel like I can trust something such as "love" again. And having that feeling is awful.
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« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2011, 03:49:50 PM »

Great thread PD

ok i think the speed she moved onto me after her last r/s ended. I thought she would say no to me because it was perhaps only a week after she dumped the father of her child, she did say she wanted to take it slow which i thought ok thats fine but i was blitzed with texts and calls, hey i thought it was great she was that into me.

The main one must have come in our first arguement 6 mths into the r/s when i went to her house ready to go out for a meal for my b'day. We never went, there was no card, no nothing. Turns out she never arranged a baby sitter. Cant remember how it came about but i must have mentioned how she could get a baby sitter at a drop of a hat for going out with her friends but i will always remember this ' i dont put all my eggs in one basket'.. Huge red flag!.. I ignored it purely because i thought it was said in the heat of an arguement.. Turns out 5 yrs down the line, 3 lots of cheating she was not lieing for once
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« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2011, 03:56:51 PM »

Sarah, I find your english style of writing fascinating. No doubt you are from over the pond. I will ask you the same as I did Somberlain, dig deeper, what were the emotional reasons you stayed? What trade off was there for such treatment? What counterbalanced the lows? How were your needs being met?


Somberlain, I will give you some truth for your future. You will learn to love and trust again, but it won't be the all encompassing "blind, passion hot" love that you had found in your previous relationship. I wrote those same words that you did at the end, and I have eaten them now. Im happy to report that you will be dining on those eventually my new friend.

You see, there is definately a trade off in these relationships. We go through what we perceive as really low lows, for something. We all have needs, and desires. We all want something. If we learn to strip back these relationships to the emotional levels, and drop the physical "he did this, and she did that" stuff, we begin to understand just why we tollerated these relationships, and the behavior that they produce. It all starts making sense. Then, as we become more aware of our own needs, we learn how to satisfy them ourselves, to where we aren't dependent on someone, and subject ourselves to outbursts that make us miserable.

Just remember, we all had our own reasons for starting, and staying in these relationships. If you endured utter horror in the face of these, you were reaping maximum benifits to stay as well, or else you wouldn't have stayed. Identifying the reasons that you did stay, and the underlying emotions that perpetuated the situation are key to understanding the dynamic in its entirety.
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« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2011, 03:58:34 PM »

Joop, there was nothing in the first 6 months, other than the speed of the relationship? Was there nothing, or nothing that you have identified yet?
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« Reply #12 on: March 29, 2011, 04:07:02 PM »

Excerpt
Sarah, I find your english style of writing fascinating. No doubt you are from over the pond. I will ask you the same as I did Somberlain, dig deeper, what were the emotional reasons you stayed? What trade off was there for such treatment? What counterbalanced the lows? How were your needs being met?

I got to hear a lot of big man talk but never really see the walk. I got promises all over the place that I would believe.

NPDexbf is pretty much the same man as my dad in so many ways. I realise that a lot of what other people would have run away from was what I had been living with for 20 years anyway so it appeared normal.

I actually can't say what he gave to me. It must have been some false sense of security. he liked whipping that away from under me, and I liked to cling to it and try to claw it back. Bad cycles.

He needed me... he wanted me to mother him. His mother is a nice lady, and he is one of 4 children. He has extreme sibling jealousy of his elder brother and disliked his mum.

Excerpt
Just remember, we all had our own reasons for starting, and staying in these relationships. If you endured utter horror in the face of these, you were reaping maximum benifits to stay as well, or else you wouldn't have stayed. Identifying the reasons that you did stay, and the underlying emotions that perpetuated the situation are key to understanding the dynamic in its entirety

.

I remember at the time thinking that I had to stay... because I had made my bed, and I damn well had to lie in it. Remember that I had left a relationship, a house, a mortgage and my old life to start a new one. Well the new one couldn't go wrong. I had to make it work. Could not admit defeat so easily. It would all be ok. We would get there in the end and I would put in all the effort I had.

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« Reply #13 on: March 29, 2011, 04:13:21 PM »

@PDQuick my life was a mess. I was on drugs. One day my sister told me I was fat and I decided to show her and I went and started doing speed to get skinny so I could meet a guy. When i was in highschool I did the same thing. My UBPD mother would also tell me that I was fat, so i started doing it in highschool and it also helped me cope with the chaos at home.

When I hooked up with uBPDxbf I felt safe. He would not tolerate me doing drugs so I had to stop. I stopped and felt like with him I could now have a normal life. Focus on work, not need to be out on the bar scene looking for guys. I would work. focus on my passion (photography) cook, clean, hangout with family on the weekends and that felt safe for me.
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« Reply #14 on: March 29, 2011, 04:14:01 PM »

I actually made it about 2 months if I am honest and say it was Thanksgiving, he missed Thanksgiving  |>  without even telling me what was going on. He just called last minute and told me he was working so his sisters boyfriend could spend time with her. The holidays are a big thing for my family and it hurt. I knew he was being cold and very harsh in his wording and seemed distant but I excused it as him being busy. I loved the way he made me feel most of the time but that was sad.The next big red flag was when I found out he was still married, after we had been living together 6 months.Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)   I felt like a home wrecker even though they were living in different states. Then I still did not kick him to the curb. I loved him and was in to deep. I even paid for his divorce. lmao I was a moron. I hate dating and truly loved him. Love is blind, deaf and dumb in my case!
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« Reply #15 on: March 29, 2011, 04:22:29 PM »

Joop, there was nothing in the first 6 months, other than the speed of the relationship? Was there nothing, or nothing that you have identified yet?

Im a thinking PD , im a thinking.

Yes there bloody was .. OMG.. control!

You see pd i knew her for 5 years before we got together, she was a work colleague and a friend, obv in those times i never knew what went on in her life behind closed doors but i knew when she was in a bad mood with her prev exs and in those 5 yrs of friends i knew there were three other lovers.

But back to my start.. Yes my friend the control, i could not just turn up and see her, i could not spend a weekend with her, always wanted me to go home on a sat morn if i stayed the friday night, could only come back on an eve, if she came to mine she did not want to meet my friends ' they were all losers' just wanted to stay in. I was never introduced to any of her friends, she never told the father of her child about me being with her son, he caught me coming out of her house.. She threatened him with me and i had to intervene after being told to stay out the way the day he saw me.

When i introduced myself she kicked us both out the house to talk, i sat in his car and told him i was a father also, we exchanged numbers just in case i was out with his son and anything should happen.. ie.. In an emergency. When i went back into the house after he took his son to school the ex unloaded on me accusing me of being his best friend and how we sat there slagging her off..

I was griiled and threatened if i went out for a night out with my friends.

Yes PD .. The control , it was evident in those 6 months.. She ran the r/s how she wanted it.

Thanks for making me think of those things
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« Reply #16 on: March 29, 2011, 04:28:56 PM »

Sht. I forgot she was drinking and smoking at age 14. Are those red flags?
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« Reply #17 on: March 29, 2011, 04:31:10 PM »

Mine is very subtle but it was the first time I felt like there were bigger shoes set out for me than I could fill. I met my ex while working across country on a month long assignment, we met the second night I was there and dated that entire month (it progressed fast and was passionate). We kept in contact when I returned home exchanging love letters, poetry, and soon regularly taking trips together with my daughter. She moved across country to be with me one year later, she even had a promising job lined up (doubled her salary!). She was extremely sweet to me, I felt like she understood every aspect of me and I kept no secrets, opened up my life to her, no woman ever took so much interest in every aspect of my life, was so attentive and physically affectionate (not speaking of just sex here).

The amount of affection and praise I received from her was intoxicating but also being someone who went through a divorce in my past (7 years earlier) I was waiting for the first fight, the first misunderstanding, where was it, I didn't want it but I know I'm FAR from perfect, why isn't she talking about her... her needs... why always agreeing with me.

She came off the phone with one of her close friends who was having boyfriends troubles and ran into the kitchen where I was, she threw her arms around me and with a very empty gaze told me her friend just hadn't met her me yet. It sounded so unrealistic to me, I know I'm a pain in the ass sometimes, I know I'm not perfect and I said to her. "I hope I don't have you convinced I'm a saint, I love you and will do my best but I'm just man, and we can be silly sometimes". She just shrugged it off with no discussion.

I didn't know about idealization then or BPD, probably when she told me about her panic attacks while we were still long distance that should have been my first red flag, but she hadn't had one with me, she told me about the valiums but I didn't want to judge (or choose to look deeper). I probably should have looked into BPD when she told me an ex accused her of having it, I didn't, I denounced him and held her (how could he).

So my first flag was knowing that someone may have been valuing me more than I was capable of living up to.
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« Reply #18 on: March 29, 2011, 04:32:41 PM »

Excerpt
SHE SAT ON MY HAT!

I'm still trying to get over this. Dang!

I'm going to answer this even though I might not be leaving.

I only see red flags looking back. I didn't see any at the time. My story might be a little different because we met in H.S. and got married after we graduated. I can remember looking back that she didn't want me to hang out with my friends. That was always a problem. There were several times I had to leave work because she would call upset about something silly & I had to go home & put the fire out.

She would get mad about something & drop our daughter off at my parents. She would get "sick" at the last minute before countless get togethers & I would stay home with her.

I have seen most of the behaviors written on these boards at one time or another.

She threw my clothes out into the backyard once, dumped a terrarium of dirt on me but I gotta say that she never sat on my hat.
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« Reply #19 on: March 29, 2011, 04:37:32 PM »

Really great topic!

I met my ex on match.com, and the VERY first red flag was when he messaged me and I looked at his profile and saw his picture. He looked like a player-wannabe and the picture was with another girl, clearly his ex. Really, you don't have any pictures of yourself alone? It tipped me off that he always had to be with somebody, which ended up being true. His profile also said that he was interested in women who had never been married and I'm divorced. Come to find out, he didn't read my profile at all - he just saw the picture and thought I was hot.    I ignored his first message but responded to the second - another red flag Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  Sorry, there are just so many that happened all at once!

I signed up for match on a bet for 30 days, and I have to say that I will NEVER do it again. I went on 15 first dates in that month and my BPD ex seemed like the best pick in comparison - scary!
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« Reply #20 on: March 29, 2011, 05:00:54 PM »

The greatest word in the language is the word "perception." You will see me use this word, and "perceive" quite a bit. Sarah, I am gonna use your post to demonstrate.

Thomas Edison, the inventor of the light bulb, failed 1000 time to produce a working bulb. It was Edison's own perception that kept him working. He was said to have succeeded in creating 1000 ways to not produce a functioning bulb. When he did create one, he failed at his last attempt to create a non-functioning bulb, and at that time he quit. It was his perception, and his attitude that cemented his place in history. He didn't fail 1000 times, he succeeded. His perception was that with every experiment, he learned something that furthered his understanding, and led him to his actual goal. His perception kept his attitude positive.

Now, with that said Sarah, you can definately perceive that you failed, but then again, wouldn't it be more productive to see things like you were taking steps to understand, and learn, to ultimately boost you to your goal?
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« Reply #21 on: March 29, 2011, 05:07:59 PM »



NPDexbf is pretty much the same man as my dad in so many ways. I realise that a lot of what other people would have run away from was what I had been living with for 20 years anyway so it appeared normal.

Sarah, I understand that because your ex was like your father, that it felt comfortable, and normal to you. With that being said, you also took on a role similar to your mother's role, and that was also comfortable as well. Now, you see that athough your parents relationship may not be right, or wrong, you can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that this type of relationship is not right for you. See? You learned something valuable from this, and that is really priceless in the scheme of the future of your happiness.



I remember at the time thinking that I had to stay... because I had made my bed, and I damn well had to lie in it. Remember that I had left a relationship, a house, a mortgage and my old life to start a new one. Well the new one couldn't go wrong. I had to make it work. Could not admit defeat so easily. It would all be ok. We would get there in the end and I would put in all the effort I had.

You laid upon yourself quilt for a "perceived" failure that you didn't want to commit again. Just like Edison, a failure is not a failure if you learn the lesson and apply it toward a goal.
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« Reply #22 on: March 29, 2011, 05:09:33 PM »

I feel much more like that now, I really do. Thanks for your words, they do strike home. I have learnt so much.

I think at the time it was what kept me from leaving. Fear of failing? Fear of giving up? Fear of HOW to give up... I think that is closer. Once you commit to something, you see it through until it is no longer viable. But I was always scared to voice my feelings. I didn't feel I would be listened to.

Something I have learnt is that I didn't give up until I was forced to, and the persistence fuelled by fear had led me to stay until I was nearly broken. Why do that to yourself though?

My perception of myself now isn't of someone who has failed, it is someone who has been through experiences and learnt a lot.
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« Reply #23 on: March 29, 2011, 05:13:37 PM »

@PDQuick my life was a mess. I was on drugs. One day my sister told me I was fat and I decided to show her and I went and started doing speed to get skinny so I could meet a guy. When i was in highschool I did the same thing. My UBPD mother would also tell me that I was fat, so i started doing it in highschool and it also helped me cope with the chaos at home.

When I hooked up with uBPDxbf I felt safe. He would not tolerate me doing drugs so I had to stop. I stopped and felt like with him I could now have a normal life. Focus on work, not need to be out on the bar scene looking for guys. I would work. focus on my passion (photography) cook, clean, hangout with family on the weekends and that felt safe for me.

Marcie, thank you for being so honest. Im sorry you went through that with your sister. Adolescents can be so cruel at times, especially when they are siblings.

He helped you feel like a complete person again, and that is great. Hopefully, you have found your way clear of that scene from your past, and have continued on that course. Sometimes, when we think we need someone to complete us, we tend to hold on to the first thing that comes along. Soon, you will realize the special person that you are inside, and will reward her with the kind of mate that respects her and adores her for what is in her heart, mind, and soul. I admire you for the courage you have here Marcie. Its tough to see these things in your past, and realize that the course we have taken isn't exactly what we have planned. But, the truth is, you have the power to learn from it, and can give yourself all of the things you deserve, and then find someone to compliment you in your life's journey.
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« Reply #24 on: March 29, 2011, 05:15:02 PM »

I feel much more like that now, I really do. Thanks for your words, they do strike home. I have learnt so much.

I think at the time it was what kept me from leaving. Fear of failing? Fear of giving up? Fear of HOW to give up... I think that is closer. Once you commit to something, you see it through until it is no longer viable. But I was always scared to voice my feelings. I didn't feel I would be listened to.

Something I have learnt is that I didn't give up until I was forced to, and the persistence fuelled by fear had led me to stay until I was nearly broken. Why do that to yourself though?

My perception of myself now isn't of someone who has failed, it is someone who has been through experiences and learnt a lot.

 

See? You learned that as a direct result of a relationship with someone with BPD. Who said these relationships were all bad?
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« Reply #25 on: March 29, 2011, 05:17:32 PM »

I actually made it about 2 months if I am honest and say it was Thanksgiving, he missed Thanksgiving  |>  without even telling me what was going on. He just called last minute and told me he was working so his sisters boyfriend could spend time with her. The holidays are a big thing for my family and it hurt. I knew he was being cold and very harsh in his wording and seemed distant but I excused it as him being busy. I loved the way he made me feel most of the time but that was sad.The next big red flag was when I found out he was still married, after we had been living together 6 months.Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)   I felt like a home wrecker even though they were living in different states. Then I still did not kick him to the curb. I loved him and was in to deep. I even paid for his divorce. lmao I was a moron. I hate dating and truly loved him. Love is blind, deaf and dumb in my case!

Hey Overcoming, we all do things that in hindsight seem a little ridiculous. Can I ask you to expand, and tell us what needs he met, or what desires he quenched for you? There was something there that kept you.

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« Reply #26 on: March 29, 2011, 05:21:10 PM »

Mine is very subtle but it was the first time I felt like there were bigger shoes set out for me than I could fill. I met my ex while working across country on a month long assignment, we met the second night I was there and dated that entire month (it progressed fast and was passionate). We kept in contact when I returned home exchanging love letters, poetry, and soon regularly taking trips together with my daughter. She moved across country to be with me one year later, she even had a promising job lined up (doubled her salary!). She was extremely sweet to me, I felt like she understood every aspect of me and I kept no secrets, opened up my life to her, no woman ever took so much interest in every aspect of my life, was so attentive and physically affectionate (not speaking of just sex here).

The amount of affection and praise I received from her was intoxicating but also being someone who went through a divorce in my past (7 years earlier) I was waiting for the first fight, the first misunderstanding, where was it, I didn't want it but I know I'm FAR from perfect, why isn't she talking about her... her needs... why always agreeing with me.

She came off the phone with one of her close friends who was having boyfriends troubles and ran into the kitchen where I was, she threw her arms around me and with a very empty gaze told me her friend just hadn't met her me yet. It sounded so unrealistic to me, I know I'm a pain in the ass sometimes, I know I'm not perfect and I said to her. "I hope I don't have you convinced I'm a saint, I love you and will do my best but I'm just man, and we can be silly sometimes". She just shrugged it off with no discussion.

I didn't know about idealization then or BPD, probably when she told me about her panic attacks while we were still long distance that should have been my first red flag, but she hadn't had one with me, she told me about the valiums but I didn't want to judge (or choose to look deeper). I probably should have looked into BPD when she told me an ex accused her of having it, I didn't, I denounced him and held her (how could he).

So my first flag was knowing that someone may have been valuing me more than I was capable of living up to.

Sixspeed, very interesting story, and I apologize for not being familiar with the entirety of it. Do you mind explaining what happened a little, and what you eventually did start seeing? You had a great insight into the idolization phase.
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« Reply #27 on: March 29, 2011, 05:30:03 PM »

Sht. I forgot she was drinking and smoking at age 14. Are those red flags?

This tickles me.

Depends, drinking and smoking are usually reserved for the less sophisticated people. (Before you jump on me, I started smoking at 15 and I was a drunk at 18.) I was dealing with some particularly turbulent times in my life, but that is still no excuse for my behavior. We all have our lists of deal breakers, if smoking and drinking are on that list, and she still does it, then duh-huh, yes.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

OK Joop, C-O-N-T-R-O-L. Sounds like a new Aretha Franklin hit, doesn't it?

I really do encourage you, and challenge you Joop to search out the reasons you allowed her to control you. Remember, control isn't taken in relationships, it is given. There is a trade off. I know all about it. In my post mordem of my relationship, I used my relinquishment of control as a passive aggressive piece of control myself. I was hoping to change her behavior by showing her that she could control me. I used it to show that I loved her, and hoped that by her seeing my love, she would reciprocate in kind. Hows that for deep thinking? Try it, there are definite reasons we let go of our control, especially to someone who has pr oven that they are not responsible with it.
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« Reply #28 on: March 29, 2011, 05:32:17 PM »

What have i learnt and why did i stay.

The reason i stayed is because i didnt like the single life, didnt want to be on my own. Had a fear of it just being me. Felt i had to give my love to another to feel whole again.

Thanks to my T i now have faced those fears, yeh its still pretty lonesome sometimes, most of the people i know are in r/s and married but slowly and surely i am getting content with it just being me...if someone comes along then so be it but i aint looking for it anymore just for the sake of giving my love to someone, it is about time i give my love to myself, my children and my family.

I never told my family i was with my ex for the last 2 yrs.. Because i was ashamed of myself..
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« Reply #29 on: March 29, 2011, 05:35:18 PM »

Sht. I forgot she was drinking and smoking at age 14. Are those red flags?

This tickles me.

Depends, drinking and smoking are usually reserved for the less sophisticated people. (Before you jump on me, I started smoking at 15 and I was a drunk at 18.) I was dealing with some particularly turbulent times in my life, but that is still no excuse for my behavior. We all have our lists of deal breakers, if smoking and drinking are on that list, and she still does it, then duh-huh, yes.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Me too. I was up to all sorts of bad stuff by the age of 14... I started before then!

I will certainly class my teenage years as dysfunctional.

I had no parental guidance or guidelines. I wasn't supposed to do that sort of stuff, but they didn't really care all that much. I was staying over older guys houses, didn't do ANY schoolwork, hardly went to school, drinking and smoking. I didn't do drugs though but was all around people doing them. I have been arrested a few times for wrong place, wrong people, wrong time sort of stuff, (but not charged with anything) and have never committed a bad crime (shoplifting was my limit).

I didn't want to go down the bad route as an adult and a teacher at school took me under her wing. I got good grades in the end and did some extra study, got a good job age 17 with the same company I am with now. I was in CBT therapy (that I requested) by age 19 for OCD and my worries about being promiscuous. Then aged 21 I got a mortgage and a year later had my first baby.

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