Benchmarking: No Contact Support

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

"No Contact" the Right Way and the Wrong Way

This thread is a place to track your no contact progress.  This thread will not be locked.

When do we need No Contact

No contact is painful and it is difficult.  Painful to the person on the receiving end (it's ultimate rejection).  Painful to do - its easier to ramp down a relationship than go cold turkey - if you can.

But sometimes we can't.  Let's face it - partners leave Borderline relationships because they are rejected or they need to protect themselves or protect their children from physical abuse, emotional abuse, or verbal abuse. But most departing partners still love the borderline and are often bonded to their partner in an unhealthy way - in some cases to a level that could be described as co-dependent.

If this wasn't a significant, underlying factor, we wouldn't even need to talk about "No Contact" here. When you leave some one you love, it's important to really understand yourself and the unique hurdles you face.

So, what should you do?

The first thing is to determine if you are really ready to leave. It seems like a very simple point, but there needs to be a real, mature commitment that leaving is the right thing to do (assuming you have a choice) and that you are serious about it- not just testing the waters.

The second thing is to accept that when you leave a relationship (or are spurned), the most important thing for you is to get over the x-partner and move on to the next phase of your life.

Without a doubt, ending of the relationship with one that you love is heartbreaking. It is for every one. But, no matter how difficult or incomprehensible it is, it doesn't change the realties above.

Now "No Contract" makes sense

"No Contact" is mostly about the non-borderline forcing "distance" into the relationship to help the non-borderline heal; to get the "space" needed to get over the hurt; get on with their lives.

The key elements of "No Contact" are

~    to get the partner out of your day-to- day life,

~    to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,

~    to take them out of your vision of the future,

~    to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and

~    to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

   

These are the simple objectives of "No Contact". You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. Maybe post this on your mirror.  It takes focus and determination to do this - at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy.

So where does the sudden silence, changing of the phone number, blocking the e-mails, running away into the night, come in?

These are just tactics for accomplishing the goals above; there are many others. And often, the more subtle, less "in your face" tactics work as well - even better. A more direct approach- simply saying you think your partner is unhealthy, or acting as if you don't find them attractive any more - can cool a relationship and create a lot of emotional distance pretty quickly. You know this person as well as anyone - you know what will work; what to say that will cause them to pull back.

And herein lies the problem.

If you really don't want to "disconnect", if you're hurt and timid and it's not a high priority get healthy, you will find many reasons not to do the obvious. Or, even more common, if you are still holding out some hope, or are strugglng with uncertainty, you will likely fear the permanence of such action and purposely select something ineffective and secretly hope that it fails.

Let's call all of this, "dubious intent."

When the cure becomes the disease.

The problem with the oft suggested "No Contact" tactics (blocking the e-mails, and silence) is that, when coupled with "dubious intent", they can easily be misdirected into ways to vent anger, to punish, to manipulate, to make a statement, to defend a principle, to make someone appreciate you, to try to force someone to listen to you, ... .to even win some one back (?).

And these tactics will often generate a non- productive counter response with the borderline partner. Along with high emotions - the borderline partner's fear of abandonment may be triggered and they may try harder to hold onto the relationship - or possibly they won't be able to cope and will seek retribution.

You could, at the same time, feel very guilty for what you've done, and when your anger subsides, find yourself asking to be accepted back into the relationship - maybe with less self esteem than when you left.

None of this is healthy disengagement. This is only advancing a dysfunctional relationship to a higher level of dysfunctionally.



No Contact is mostly about you

If the "x" is sending you e-mail, the biggest problem is not that they are sending it - but rather that you are reading it, and/or are stressed out about it. Ignored, unread e-mail are harmless.

No Contact is about dealing with this aspect of "you".

If you don't have the discipline to not read their e-mail, for example, then have your e-mail program route it to the trash. Accept that you're hurting emotionally, and use this type of "crutch" to protect yourself against yourself.

But also understand that "not reading", the e-mail, for example, is a lot different than having the "x" receive an "undeliverable" auto-reply. The "undeliverable" auto-reply" is really a way that communicates your vulnerability or your anger or your _____ (fill in the blank). If you do this you are opening a door into your recovery process... .so, ask yourself "why?".

No Contact Works.

The key points:

1) No contact" is conceptually about disconnecting from a relationship. The name describes, more or less, the key tactic... .but NC is not the goal... .the goal is for you to disengage yourself from the relationship.

2) The harder it is for you to disengage, or the more you are enmeshed in the relationship, the "higher a wall" you should erect (to keep yourself out). This is the first basis you should use to decide on which tactics are appropriate.

3) Straight forward tactics are the best way to effect "No Contact". Dramatic tactics work well too, but before using them, carefully examine your motives to be sure they are healthy and you are aimed at the right target.

4) If your partner doesn't start to disengage and give you "space" then more forceful methods may be in order to absolutely "close of the door"... .but if you have options, try to pick those that neutralize the partner - not trigger them. Look for "defusing" tactics first. This is the second basis for selecting which tactics are appropriate.

What if it is just too overwhelming

Expect that this will be too overwhelming. Leaving some one that you love, hurts. Minimizing the damage, in the long run, is what this is all about - the price for that is hurt today.

Hurt is part of your healing - it's your greatest challenge and you must be committed to work through it - which is where we began this discussion (paragraph 6).

Be prepared to seek help. If you find yourself slipping into depression, ruminating, etc - recognize early that these are not signs that you should go back into a dysfunctional relationship, but rather signs of your own private struggle with your emotional enmeshment. It is common in these relationships.

When this happens, you may need professional help, possibly medication, to mediate the depression and the ruminating before it breaks your resolve; drives you back into an unhealthy relationship.

Whenever you are mentally impaired; chemically imbalanced; or in a state of anxiety, you will likely make bad decisions, and even feel overwhelmed by the need to make them. If you are in a depression this whole endeavor may seem insurmountable.

But it is not - it's your emotions, distorting your reality. Find the time - spend the money - get professional help and get and keep yourself stabilized.

Leaving someone you love is difficult. There is no question about that. And, You will lkely feel insecure, uncomfortable, and empty when you are on your own... .but this is just a natural unwinding of the intertwinement of two people... .everyone feels this.

No contact. Out of site - out of mind. It works best when you fully understand it.

[Skip]

"No Contact" the Right Way and the Wrong Way

This thread is a place to track your no contact progress.  This thread will not be locked.

When do we need No Contact

No contact is painful and it is difficult.  Painful to the person on the receiving end (it's ultimate rejection).  Painful to do - its easier to ramp down a relationship than go cold turkey - if you can.

But sometimes we can't.  Let's face it - partners leave Borderline relationships because they are rejected or they need to protect themselves or protect their children from physical abuse, emotional abuse, or verbal abuse. But most departing partners still love the borderline and are often bonded to their partner in an unhealthy way - in some cases to a level that could be described as co-dependent.

If this wasn't a significant, underlying factor, we wouldn't even need to talk about "No Contact" here. When you leave some one you love, it's important to really understand yourself and the unique hurdles you face.

So, what should you do?

The first thing is to determine if you are really ready to leave. It seems like a very simple point, but there needs to be a real, mature commitment that leaving is the right thing to do (assuming you have a choice) and that you are serious about it- not just testing the waters.

The second thing is to accept that when you leave a relationship (or are spurned), the most important thing for you is to get over the x-partner and move on to the next phase of your life.

Without a doubt, ending of the relationship with one that you love is heartbreaking. It is for every one. But, no matter how difficult or incomprehensible it is, it doesn't change the realties above.

Now "No Contract" makes sense

"No Contact" is mostly about the non-borderline forcing "distance" into the relationship to help the non-borderline heal; to get the "space" needed to get over the hurt; get on with their lives.

The key elements of "No Contact" are

~    to get the partner out of your day-to- day life,

~    to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,

~    to take them out of your vision of the future,

~    to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and

~    to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

   

These are the simple objectives of "No Contact". You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. Maybe post this on your mirror.  It takes focus and determination to do this - at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy.

So where does the sudden silence, changing of the phone number, blocking the e-mails, running away into the night, come in?

These are just tactics for accomplishing the goals above; there are many others. And often, the more subtle, less "in your face" tactics work as well - even better. A more direct approach- simply saying you think your partner is unhealthy, or acting as if you don't find them attractive any more - can cool a relationship and create a lot of emotional distance pretty quickly. You know this person as well as anyone - you know what will work; what to say that will cause them to pull back.

And herein lies the problem.

If you really don't want to "disconnect", if you're hurt and timid and it's not a high priority get healthy, you will find many reasons not to do the obvious. Or, even more common, if you are still holding out some hope, or are strugglng with uncertainty, you will likely fear the permanence of such action and purposely select something ineffective and secretly hope that it fails.

Let's call all of this, "dubious intent."

When the cure becomes the disease.

The problem with the oft suggested "No Contact" tactics (blocking the e-mails, and silence) is that, when coupled with "dubious intent", they can easily be misdirected into ways to vent anger, to punish, to manipulate, to make a statement, to defend a principle, to make someone appreciate you, to try to force someone to listen to you, ... .to even win some one back (?).

And these tactics will often generate a non- productive counter response with the borderline partner. Along with high emotions - the borderline partner's fear of abandonment may be triggered and they may try harder to hold onto the relationship - or possibly they won't be able to cope and will seek retribution.

You could, at the same time, feel very guilty for what you've done, and when your anger subsides, find yourself asking to be accepted back into the relationship - maybe with less self esteem than when you left.

None of this is healthy disengagement. This is only advancing a dysfunctional relationship to a higher level of dysfunctionally.



No Contact is mostly about you

If the "x" is sending you e-mail, the biggest problem is not that they are sending it - but rather that you are reading it, and/or are stressed out about it. Ignored, unread e-mail are harmless.

No Contact is about dealing with this aspect of "you".

If you don't have the discipline to not read their e-mail, for example, then have your e-mail program route it to the trash. Accept that you're hurting emotionally, and use this type of "crutch" to protect yourself against yourself.

But also understand that "not reading", the e-mail, for example, is a lot different than having the "x" receive an "undeliverable" auto-reply. The "undeliverable" auto-reply" is really a way that communicates your vulnerability or your anger or your _____ (fill in the blank). If you do this you are opening a door into your recovery process... .so, ask yourself "why?".

No Contact Works.

The key points:

1) No contact" is conceptually about disconnecting from a relationship. The name describes, more or less, the key tactic... .but NC is not the goal... .the goal is for you to disengage yourself from the relationship.

2) The harder it is for you to disengage, or the more you are enmeshed in the relationship, the "higher a wall" you should erect (to keep yourself out). This is the first basis you should use to decide on which tactics are appropriate.

3) Straight forward tactics are the best way to effect "No Contact". Dramatic tactics work well too, but before using them, carefully examine your motives to be sure they are healthy and you are aimed at the right target.

4) If your partner doesn't start to disengage and give you "space" then more forceful methods may be in order to absolutely "close of the door"... .but if you have options, try to pick those that neutralize the partner - not trigger them. Look for "defusing" tactics first. This is the second basis for selecting which tactics are appropriate.

What if it is just too overwhelming

Expect that this will be too overwhelming. Leaving some one that you love, hurts. Minimizing the damage, in the long run, is what this is all about - the price for that is hurt today.

Hurt is part of your healing - it's your greatest challenge and you must be committed to work through it - which is where we began this discussion (paragraph 6).

Be prepared to seek help. If you find yourself slipping into depression, ruminating, etc - recognize early that these are not signs that you should go back into a dysfunctional relationship, but rather signs of your own private struggle with your emotional enmeshment. It is common in these relationships.

When this happens, you may need professional help, possibly medication, to mediate the depression and the ruminating before it breaks your resolve; drives you back into an unhealthy relationship.

Whenever you are mentally impaired; chemically imbalanced; or in a state of anxiety, you will likely make bad decisions, and even feel overwhelmed by the need to make them. If you are in a depression this whole endeavor may seem insurmountable.

But it is not - it's your emotions, distorting your reality. Find the time - spend the money - get professional help and get and keep yourself stabilized.

Leaving someone you love is difficult. There is no question about that. And, You will lkely feel insecure, uncomfortable, and empty when you are on your own... .but this is just a natural unwinding of the intertwinement of two people... .everyone feels this.

No contact. Out of site - out of mind. It works best when you fully understand it.

[pdoll]

I've been NC for like 3 weeks... .I'm with ya! I have no intention of having contact with him ever again.

[snucker25]

Three weeks for me today too - now just trying to resist responding to his first break of NC, an email that came two days ago!

[Gaslit]

I'm 32 days NC! There wasn't even a fight! I just got sick of doing all the relationship work. Something happened, where for whatever reason, she stopped proactively contacting me. She would respond right away when I contacted her, and we had fun together, but if I didn't contact her, she would 'make herself seen' but wouldn't just send me an email or call or whatever. I just find that extremely strange that she can't contact me on her own (previously she could).

A couple months ago we fought/discussed this issue and nearly every other issue. It was actually a good night. Then we hung out again and it was also awesome. Then nothing! She has admitted that it is a 'game' to her, to see who contacts the other first. She has played this for years. Previously she would give in, no more. I told her when we fought that I honestly believed that if I didn't contact her, we'd never speak again -- that our relationship was that one-sided. She blew this off like I was crazy. But here we are, 32 days later, and still NC.

What keeps me focused is simply how strange it is, that she would rather win the 'who contacts who' game, even at the expense of never seeing me again. I told her I am not playing. I made that clear when we discussed this. We are adults. It's a dumb game. I have been the proactive one for the past 6 months. In that regard, I don't consider not contacting her now as silly. This is my personal boundary, that I recently made clear to her (She seemed surprised to learn that relationships should have reciprocity, huh!) If I didn't know she was BPD, and she never contacted me, I would assume we were over. I am going to assume that still, even knowing, what I know. She shouldn't get special treatment -- I certainly don't! ha

p.s. Also interesting, when after some time, I did contact her, she literally would be giddy, self-described giddy. Like a little girl. so strange!

[desertbuck]

Two weeks today (and boy, those have been some tough weeks!). 

Gaslit, my ex was very similar.  She would detach, stop communicationg and I would have to reinitiate contact.  That was the pattern throughout our relationship, until our last episode where I found myself walking our of her house after a barrage of insults and abuse.  I haven't spoken to her since, an will probably never hear from her again (if I am lucky!).

[papaki]

I definetly would not call her again.after break up she has put me to NC and she does not break it... .She doesnt reply to texts... .she doesnt call... .she doesnt answer calls... .she deleted me from fb... .every single contract is deleted by her and that make it a little dificult for me to accept it and go to no contract.But now I am determined... .she is a sht and she does not deserve my care about her... .after all I have done for her she thinks that continuing her life with another guy (victim) and cuting of any communication with me is right.

I hope some time she will understand that she lost a friend that would care for her  for ever and it is so dificult to find another one to help her so much so she will come to contract again... .I wait this moment when I will say to her with deep voice... .Get to the hell or I will pay you the tickets... .sorry for my words guys and girls I think I am still angry about her... .

[desertbuck]

Gaslit & M87,

For me, NC isn't about her.  It really isn't so much about healing either, although I know that will be a byproduct of being detached.  For me, it is about pride, will and self-esteem.  Three things that I gave so easily to myexBPDgf.  The insidiousness of it all is that I didn't even realize I was doing it until they were almost gone.  This is a trial by fire.  This is the greatest emotional test I have ever faced (hate to be melodramatic) and I will not fail.  I need to prove to myself, above all others, that I can overcome this adversity.  Make no mistake that this is a miserable, heart wrenching process.  However, I am a very goal oriented person and overcoming this challenge is the goal I have set for myself.  

[papaki]

we have split up about 8 months ago and the r/s lasted 4 years... .I have not gone perfect NC for more than 1 month all that months... .Always I break her NC by calling her one hundred times to see if she is ok and her replying only once... Not ever once caled back or texted back or emailed back... Now I am determined I am not going to call ever ever again may be good with her life may be having amazing life may be in the paradise may be on hell or dead I dont care anymore... .

[OTH]

Moved out 7 months ago.

December was last recycle (I started studying BPD afterwards and discovered this site).

LC 4 months

NC 6 weeks

During LC period it is her contacting me and I was willing to respond as long as it is not crazy talk. I responded some and ignored others. I am still fine with that. I am detached and have no desire to rekindle the relationship. She finally quit texting me 6 weeks ago. She was looking for validation from me and wasn't getting it. I suspect she is well into another relationship so the phone has finally gone silent. I think I am BPD free now!  

[livejim56]

I have been no contact since January 19th, I got sick and tired of the abuse, the lies, the no shows, and hundreds of calls and lastly the disrespectful way she treated me. No I am not calling her at all.

I agree we will make it- it is tough, but our pride, slef worht and esteem is well worth it.

[BreadHead]

well crap crap crap!  Since cyber stalking is included I guess I'm NC for about 6 hours!  balls.   ;p

If we're talking any communication (including responding to emails/messages) It's been 10 days since he said "that's it, we're done communicating" and I took him at his word.

and now he wants to be friends on facebook... .ha!

[just_think]

cyberstalking: since i went and smoked a cigarette. on the wagon.

actual contact: once in early march and nothing since jan before that.

[livejim56]

Ok all, Nc mean Nc , no looking for em on facebook, tagged, Livestock.com (haha0  stay the h*ll out iof their lives if no kids are involved.  Block everything you can,  be a Goalie on an all star soccer teaam,  your goal is not to allow anything to get through,  No Im, texts, Voicmails, letters, emails.  Airplane writting in the sky - Unless you wanan INk bomb their home and cars (haha).

  Just suck it up and do the No Conact thing,   tis hard,  but life is harder with em then without them

[mary87]

Why NO CYBERSTALKING is so important:

It's all about control, when we are cyberstalking them, and "caring" about what they are doing, they are still controlling us!

each time I see (saw since now 3 days  ;p ) a new status update, a new picture or a girl new girl that he had added it affected me for several of days... .more pain, more hurt, and less productivity in my own "pursue of happiness".

c'mon guys we gotta be strong and NOT letting them PLAY with us ANYMORE! I am not going to let him ruin more of my life... .

tnx guys for u'r support and plz keep posting

Thinkpensive: stay strong, try to make it a whole day, and then let us know how it went! ... ."codependency" huh... ?  ;p  

Bread head : 6 hours is a start!

[hurt.former.friend]

NC for a day, I guess, but need some help... .

If she (former friend) leaves an email message for my Mom to tell me hello and I avoid acting strange by just asking some random questions about where she is, what she is doing, etc., does that count? 

If I spend time on this board, that means I am thinking about her, and thus she is winning.  Do I stop readiing the boards?

If she is spreading rumors and I am attempting to put them out by talking to mutal friends about the situation, does that still count as N/C?

If she is going to be on vacation for 4 weeks with my parents and I am electing not to attend, does that make me weak (giving her the upper hand with the folks) or make me strong (avoid her by N/C at all costs)?

Thanks... .my BPD former friend is now, sadly, my sister-in-law.  She married my brother and then turned against me.  She is now determined to "take over" my life... .by forming bonds with every friend of mine she can, by feeding lies to my brother to keep us apart, by sucking up to my parents to make me the black sheep, etc.  She's doing a pretty good job so far.  I don't know if N/C will work because she still gets fed information from everyone in my family and close friends.  These people do not see her the way I do and they think I am the one with the problem.  This is what she is hoping for, and I hate letting her win, even these small victories.  UGH!

[desertbuck]

To me, No Contact is like running a marathon.  At the start, you are feeling energetic and motivated.  Those first few miles go by rather quickly.  In the midst of the race, you are starting to feel the mental and physical tedium of each mile.  You are trying your best to stay motivated.  By the end of the race, you are exhausted physically and emotionally.  You are less concerned about completing the race than making it through one more mile.  In fact, one more mile becomes your mantra.  You are focusing on each step, pushing through the pain.  And then, low and behold, you have finished.  You have completed the goal, and the exhiliration you feel is indescribable.

The process of detachment is very similar.  For  awhile, we are supremely motivated to stay detached by our pain and anger.  However, somewhere in the midst of it all, we start to let that anger go and begin to accept the situation.  This can be difficult because, as it is human nature to do, we tend to focus on the positive moments in the relationship.  At times, this can be excruciating because we want to recapture those moments with our partner despite out understanding of the disorder.  Those are the times when we need to focus on each hour, each day and draw upon our inner strength to do what is truly in our best interest.  At some point, we will complete this marathon.  Our paces may all be different, but it will happen.

[desertbuck]

Hurt,

Thoughts are a reflexive.  They occur because of various stimuli to the brain.  You can't stop them from happening, but you can decide how much importance to attach to them.  Of greater importance are the actions you take in response to your thoughts.  Being on this board is an action you have taken in response to the thoughts you have about your friend.  Sharing these thoughts, and absorbing the input you receive from others, will help you determine the appropriate amount of importance to attribute to them.  At some point, your actions will condition your thoughts.

Thinking about the person with BPD is natural.  Taking actions to explore those thoughts in a non self-destructive manner is healthy.

[FindingMe2011]

wife of 13 yrs. separated 4 months. First 6 weeks spent trying to reconcile (for kids, but mainly for my own deficiancies i relize now) found this site, talked to alot of good people and friends and finally came to this relization. SHE CAN NEVER BE ABLE TO LOVE ME THE WAY I NEED TO BE LOVED. and yes in the begining there were times i wanted to, and sometimes did, make contact, but mainly to try and get validation from her, LOL, ( man was that painful) but these urges become less and less all the time. i see, and feel myself healing. and like i told my wife during the anger stage.( which still comes and goes,but now for the crap my kids recieve) i cant wait to have a healthy relationship. I always knew something was wrong, well at least after our first was born. but made the decision to lie in the bed i made. But also through this r/s I worked on myself, and when i found and started to deal with my issues, she sat there in bewilderment and couldnt do it for herself. Its strange how throughout the r/s i had all the pieces to the puzzle, tried endlessly to put them together. then found out about BPD, and relized that she never entended to help put the puzzle together, as she was scared to, and would rather destroy a family than deal with her own demons. But now i feel i was there long enough to give the kids a chance ( i hope ) to have healthy relationships. But relizing i would never be whole with this person, turned the pain into disappointment. she no longer looks like the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. Just an empty hollow person,who lives in a dark place, must be brutal. Now i hear through emails ( i cut off other ways of contact) " You hate me " i sometimes respond " no, just disappointed" or " You never knew me", this one just brings a chuckle. I know this has a translation in BPD talk, probably something like, i dont even know myself, but it doesnt matter anymore, and sooner than later, neither will she. I wish i could have learned BPD translation talk a long time ago. I can remember way too many times, man im raising a third child or what the hell is that supposed to mean. LOL ( it sure as hell wasnt funny while i was going through it though) It amazes me how I endured this for so long. And how close i was to losing my sanity and/or myself. Better days are here and greater days are ahead. Mary, if you focus on yourself, you too will feel this way.

[FindingMe2011]

NC for a day, I guess, but need some help.  

If she (former friend) leaves an email message for my Mom to tell me hello and I avoid acting strange by just asking some random questions about where she is, what she is doing, etc., does that count? 

If I spend time on this board, that means I am thinking about her, and thus she is winning.  Do I stop readiing the boards?

If she is spreading rumors and I am attempting to put them out by talking to mutal friends about the situation, does that still count as N/C?

If she is going to be on vacation for 4 weeks with my parents and I am electing not to attend, does that make me weak (giving her the upper hand with the folks) or make me strong (avoid her by N/C at all costs)?

Thanks.   my BPD former friend is now, sadly, my sister-in-law.  She married my brother and then turned against me.  She is now determined to "take over" my life.   by forming bonds with every friend of mine she can, by feeding lies to my brother to keep us apart, by sucking up to my parents to make me the black sheep, etc.  She's doing a pretty good job so far.  I don't know if N/C will work because she still gets fed information from everyone in my family and close friends.  These people do not see her the way I do and they think I am the one with the problem.  This is what she is hoping for, and I hate letting her win, even these small victories.  UGH!


Hurt, If this person is truly BPD, your brother is in for the ride of his life, and that will work itself out. You may possibly be the one validating him one day. Only those close will feel the wrath. Those friends you say you have. You will now find out if they are truly your friends. A bit of advice, dont try to validate your relationship with anyone envolved. Yes, you will be the crazy one. Im living proof, along with many on this site. My own mother couldnt see it, until time proved otherwise. Sounds like a really crazy-making situation. Just how the BPD er has to have it. So the less you imput, the sooner things will take its course, as this was how it was for me. Suggest staying on this site and maybe a "T" for you. In time this person will no longer matter, if you choose.

[mary87]

hey skip! why did u change the name of this thread?

I have had abstine-e-e-e-ence all daay, but coming here to this board has helped me to not give in. It's just so easy, just a few clicks! But I won't do it.

dessertbuck comparing it to a marathon was a good methaphore... .right now, for me it's more like an addiction... .I hope once the drug is out of my system it will be easier, but of course the urge for the drug will remain much longer... .

NC for a day, I guess, but need some help... .



1 day! good for u, I think in your case u have to find a way to stop her from getting under your scin... I'm sorry to hear about u'r situation... .and I'm kinda sad for u'r brother 2... .

If I spend time on this board, that means I am thinking about her, and thus she is winning.  :)o I stop readiing the boards?

for me it's like going from heroin to nicotine... .where Contact is heroin and this board is nicotine, eventually when I have truly healed I will have to stay away from the nicotine as well. But until then I think we need this board to UNDERSTAND what we have been through and I think that it will prompt the healing process... .at least it has 4 me

[Mystic]

NC since Oct after my emails for peace and closure between us were met with a cold and ugly response.  I decided that any further contact with him would only serve to hurt me and gratify whatever it is he gets out of being ugly so I made no further attempts. 

He showed up at my son's place a few weeks ago, returning something that belonged to my son (after 8 months), acting like nothing had happened.  My son was shocked, as was I.  My normal response would have been to make contact, thank him, make another attempt at peace, whatever. 

No more.  I just won't put myself in the position to be the recipient of any further abuse in a no win situation with someone who completely broke faith with me.  I've been hurt enough, and my highest goal at this point is self preservation, healing and recovery. 

[mary87]

Broke my NC (looked at his FB profile)... .:'(

disappointed... .

why do I care bout what he does?... .and who he might be seeing... ? he is not worth my thoughts... .

starting over... .

[BreadHead]

Broke my NC (looked at his FB profile)... .:'(

disappointed... .

why do I care bout what he does?... .and who he might be seeing... ? he is not worth my thoughts... .

starting over... .

Don't beat yourself up my dear!   

I'll check in... .so far today I've maintained NC, keep being tempted to check his FB profile or something, but instead I'm attempting to contact as many comedy clubs as possible and pimp myself out!  Go me!   

[mary87]

good 4 u!    1 day is 1 day ...

I think I have to do something about my internetconnection tomorrow ;p ... .

but seriously, tnx 4 u'r support... .

ps: why comedy clubs? 

[BreadHead]

good 4 u!    1 day is 1 day ...

I think I have to do something about my internetconnection tomorrow ;p ... .

but seriously, tnx 4 u'r support... .

ps: why comedy clubs? 

If it's going to be a huge issue you can always block him on FB, just a suggestions, it takes some of the stress out of your hands. 

and in regards to comedy clubs... .i'm a stand up comic and trying to get work is like a full time job.  So I'm focusing on that, on myself and my comedy career.  it's all about ME ME ME today:)

Make today about YOU YOU YOU!

[whitedoe]

I'm struggling with the Facebook thing... .Aghh. I "broke down" and commented on a post (Mar 30th) from my exBPDbf ... .He posted a picture and announced his Mom's 92nd BDay celebration... .I sent along a comment wishing her well. Probably shouldn't have taken the bait. My ex rarely uses Facebook but I saw his announcement via the "daily feeds"... .I just can't bring myself to "block" yet? But, deep down I know that I need to do this... .

Prior to this, he contaced me (after dumping me on VDay) about 3 weeks ago when he saw something posted on my Facebook page... .Up until then, I honestly never gave any thought to him viewing me on Facebook... .I was very shocked that he reached out to me at all. Because of his "patterns" of bahavior with me, I have long felt that once I was "out of his sight", I was "forgotten"... .

But, I now need to "forget"... .I am so grateful for this site!

[mary87]

whitedoe, yeah it's a good site it has helped me to understand a lot of things that I went through...

so u have been NC for about 10-11 days now?

I needed to hear this message! Thank you for posting!

It's what I'm trying to tell my self... I just hope It will sink into my head soon

[snucker25]

WD - I am with you on the Facebook thing.  Even though HE initiated the no contact (back on March 19) and HE changed his relationship status on FB (from "in a relationship with" to [nothing]), he did not unfriend me, and he did not remove any of the pictures of us together from his page.

After 19 days I could not take it any more because I found myself constantly checking his page.  For nothing.  He didn't post about anyone else, there were no pics of him out having fun, none of that.  But I could not torture myself anymore so I went ahead and unfriended him.

That was late Thursday night last week.  ABout twenty minutes later he emailed me.  At midnight.  Now all I have done is think about how / if to reply.  His email was an apology, but it didn't suggest we talk or anything.

My only complaints about him?  When things get too much for him (either emotions get too intense or his abandonment / conflict fears are triggered) he goes completely silent and disappears ... .no calls, no texts, no emails, for weeks, as if I never existed.  This is the third time.  Every time he comes back with an email that doesn't indicate his intentions AT ALL.  The last two times I emailed back and we got back together and everything went back to when it was good.  I haven't replied yet.  I want to - send something short and succinct, but I am thinking it will be for nothing ... .

[whitedoe]

Yes, Mary87... .about 10-11 days now... .

Since I found this site and all the amazingly support here, I am starting to climb out of my deep despair and work towards healing... .I am soo grateful beyond words... .

[whitedoe]

Ohhh, Snucker... .I would be thinking just like you... .Wanting to reply? It's such a bizarre ordeal to never be able to sit down and have a "real adult conversation" about any of this? It's all games and more games? Aghh... .I have been soo tempted to just leave a quick VM at my exbf's work number (when I know he's not in the office)... .Just to hear his voice - BUT, I will not! Instead, I just come back to this site and READ and READ... .I have been soo enormously helped by the comments shared on this site. I see "my story" everywhere... .There is no fixing a relationship with a pwBPD? And this is so God awful painful!