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Poll
Question: What is your current status of No Contact (NC).  NC is defined as no cyber contact (looking at Facebook, etc, no drivebys, no texts, email, calls, visits.  Please UPDATE your current status weekly.
Question 1: Need NC to break the "addiction".
Quest 1:  Need NC because ex is repeadedly contacting me after I broke up (do not include getting the cat or furniture, etc.)
Quest 1:  Both
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Question 2: I have not broken contact since starting.
Question 2: I have broken contact 1- 5 times since starting.
Question 2: I have broken contact 6 or more times since starting.
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Quest 3: I am full no contact 1 week now.
Quest 3: I am full no contact 2 weeks now.
Quest 3: I am full no contact 3 weeks now.
Quest 3: I am full no contact 4 weeks now.
Quest 3: I am full no contact 5 weeks now.
Quest 3: I am full no contact 6 weeks now.
Quest 3: I am full no contact 7 weeks now.
Quest 3: I am full no contact 8 weeks now.
Quest 3: I am full no contact 9 weeks now.
Quest 3: I am full no contact 10 weeks now.
Quest 3: I am full no contact 11 or more weeks now.
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Quest 4: NC is no longer needed / I can handle it fine now.

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Author Topic: Benchmarking: No Contact Support  (Read 10662 times)
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« on: April 09, 2011, 02:53:16 PM »

"No Contact" the Right Way and the Wrong Way

This thread is a place to track your no contact progress.  This thread will not be locked.

When do we need No Contact

No contact is painful and it is difficult.  Painful to the person on the receiving end (it's ultimate rejection).  Painful to do - its easier to ramp down a relationship than go cold turkey - if you can.

But sometimes we can't.  Let's face it - partners leave Borderline relationships because they are rejected or they need to protect themselves or protect their children from physical abuse, emotional abuse, or verbal abuse. But most departing partners still love the borderline and are often bonded to their partner in an unhealthy way - in some cases to a level that could be described as co-dependent.

If this wasn't a significant, underlying factor, we wouldn't even need to talk about "No Contact" here. When you leave some one you love, it's important to really understand yourself and the unique hurdles you face.

So, what should you do?

The first thing is to determine if you are really ready to leave. It seems like a very simple point, but there needs to be a real, mature commitment that leaving is the right thing to do (assuming you have a choice) and that you are serious about it- not just testing the waters.

The second thing is to accept that when you leave a relationship (or are spurned), the most important thing for you is to get over the x-partner and move on to the next phase of your life.

Without a doubt, ending of the relationship with one that you love is heartbreaking. It is for every one. But, no matter how difficult or incomprehensible it is, it doesn't change the realties above.

Now "No Contract" makes sense

"No Contact" is mostly about the non-borderline forcing "distance" into the relationship to help the non-borderline heal; to get the "space" needed to get over the hurt; get on with their lives.

The key elements of "No Contact" are

~    to get the partner out of your day-to- day life,

~    to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,

~    to take them out of your vision of the future,

~    to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and

~    to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

   

These are the simple objectives of "No Contact". You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. Maybe post this on your mirror.  It takes focus and determination to do this - at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy.

So where does the sudden silence, changing of the phone number, blocking the e-mails, running away into the night, come in?

These are just tactics for accomplishing the goals above; there are many others. And often, the more subtle, less "in your face" tactics work as well - even better. A more direct approach- simply saying you think your partner is unhealthy, or acting as if you don't find them attractive any more - can cool a relationship and create a lot of emotional distance pretty quickly. You know this person as well as anyone - you know what will work; what to say that will cause them to pull back.

And herein lies the problem.

If you really don't want to "disconnect", if you're hurt and timid and it's not a high priority get healthy, you will find many reasons not to do the obvious. Or, even more common, if you are still holding out some hope, or are strugglng with uncertainty, you will likely fear the permanence of such action and purposely select something ineffective and secretly hope that it fails.

Let's call all of this, "dubious intent."

When the cure becomes the disease.

The problem with the oft suggested "No Contact" tactics (blocking the e-mails, and silence) is that, when coupled with "dubious intent", they can easily be misdirected into ways to vent anger, to punish, to manipulate, to make a statement, to defend a principle, to make someone appreciate you, to try to force someone to listen to you, ... .to even win some one back (?).

And these tactics will often generate a non- productive counter response with the borderline partner. Along with high emotions - the borderline partner's fear of abandonment may be triggered and they may try harder to hold onto the relationship - or possibly they won't be able to cope and will seek retribution.

You could, at the same time, feel very guilty for what you've done, and when your anger subsides, find yourself asking to be accepted back into the relationship - maybe with less self esteem than when you left.

None of this is healthy disengagement. This is only advancing a dysfunctional relationship to a higher level of dysfunctionally.



No Contact is mostly about you


If the "x" is sending you e-mail, the biggest problem is not that they are sending it - but rather that you are reading it, and/or are stressed out about it. Ignored, unread e-mail are harmless.

No Contact is about dealing with this aspect of "you".

If you don't have the discipline to not read their e-mail, for example, then have your e-mail program route it to the trash. Accept that you're hurting emotionally, and use this type of "crutch" to protect yourself against yourself.

But also understand that "not reading", the e-mail, for example, is a lot different than having the "x" receive an "undeliverable" auto-reply. The "undeliverable" auto-reply" is really a way that communicates your vulnerability or your anger or your _____ (fill in the blank). If you do this you are opening a door into your recovery process... .so, ask yourself "why?".

No Contact Works.

The key points:

1) No contact" is conceptually about disconnecting from a relationship. The name describes, more or less, the key tactic... .but NC is not the goal... .the goal is for you to disengage yourself from the relationship.

2) The harder it is for you to disengage, or the more you are enmeshed in the relationship, the "higher a wall" you should erect (to keep yourself out). This is the first basis you should use to decide on which tactics are appropriate.

3) Straight forward tactics are the best way to effect "No Contact". Dramatic tactics work well too, but before using them, carefully examine your motives to be sure they are healthy and you are aimed at the right target.

4) If your partner doesn't start to disengage and give you "space" then more forceful methods may be in order to absolutely "close of the door"... .but if you have options, try to pick those that neutralize the partner - not trigger them. Look for "defusing" tactics first. This is the second basis for selecting which tactics are appropriate.

What if it is just too overwhelming

Expect that this will be too overwhelming. Leaving some one that you love, hurts. Minimizing the damage, in the long run, is what this is all about - the price for that is hurt today.

Hurt is part of your healing - it's your greatest challenge and you must be committed to work through it - which is where we began this discussion (paragraph 6).

Be prepared to seek help. If you find yourself slipping into depression, ruminating, etc - recognize early that these are not signs that you should go back into a dysfunctional relationship, but rather signs of your own private struggle with your emotional enmeshment. It is common in these relationships.

When this happens, you may need professional help, possibly medication, to mediate the depression and the ruminating before it breaks your resolve; drives you back into an unhealthy relationship.

Whenever you are mentally impaired; chemically imbalanced; or in a state of anxiety, you will likely make bad decisions, and even feel overwhelmed by the need to make them. If you are in a depression this whole endeavor may seem insurmountable.

But it is not - it's your emotions, distorting your reality. Find the time - spend the money - get professional help and get and keep yourself stabilized.

Leaving someone you love is difficult. There is no question about that. And, You will lkely feel insecure, uncomfortable, and empty when you are on your own... .but this is just a natural unwinding of the intertwinement of two people... .everyone feels this.

No contact. Out of site - out of mind. It works best when you fully understand it.

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pdoll
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« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2011, 03:31:14 PM »

I've been NC for like 3 weeks... .I'm with ya! I have no intention of having contact with him ever again.
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« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2011, 03:42:13 PM »

Three weeks for me today too - now just trying to resist responding to his first break of NC, an email that came two days ago!
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Gaslit
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« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2011, 03:44:38 PM »

I'm 32 days NC! There wasn't even a fight! I just got sick of doing all the relationship work. Something happened, where for whatever reason, she stopped proactively contacting me. She would respond right away when I contacted her, and we had fun together, but if I didn't contact her, she would 'make herself seen' but wouldn't just send me an email or call or whatever. I just find that extremely strange that she can't contact me on her own (previously she could).

A couple months ago we fought/discussed this issue and nearly every other issue. It was actually a good night. Then we hung out again and it was also awesome. Then nothing! She has admitted that it is a 'game' to her, to see who contacts the other first. She has played this for years. Previously she would give in, no more. I told her when we fought that I honestly believed that if I didn't contact her, we'd never speak again -- that our relationship was that one-sided. She blew this off like I was crazy. But here we are, 32 days later, and still NC.

What keeps me focused is simply how strange it is, that she would rather win the 'who contacts who' game, even at the expense of never seeing me again. I told her I am not playing. I made that clear when we discussed this. We are adults. It's a dumb game. I have been the proactive one for the past 6 months. In that regard, I don't consider not contacting her now as silly. This is my personal boundary, that I recently made clear to her (She seemed surprised to learn that relationships should have reciprocity, huh!) If I didn't know she was BPD, and she never contacted me, I would assume we were over. I am going to assume that still, even knowing, what I know. She shouldn't get special treatment -- I certainly don't! ha

p.s. Also interesting, when after some time, I did contact her, she literally would be giddy, self-described giddy. Like a little girl. so strange!

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desertbuck
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« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2011, 04:04:26 PM »

Two weeks today (and boy, those have been some tough weeks!). 

Gaslit, my ex was very similar.  She would detach, stop communicationg and I would have to reinitiate contact.  That was the pattern throughout our relationship, until our last episode where I found myself walking our of her house after a barrage of insults and abuse.  I haven't spoken to her since, an will probably never hear from her again (if I am lucky!).
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« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2011, 04:18:59 PM »

I definetly would not call her again.after break up she has put me to NC and she does not break it... .She doesnt reply to texts... .she doesnt call... .she doesnt answer calls... .she deleted me from fb... .every single contract is deleted by her and that make it a little dificult for me to accept it and go to no contract.But now I am determined... .she is a sht and she does not deserve my care about her... .after all I have done for her she thinks that continuing her life with another guy (victim) and cuting of any communication with me is right.

I hope some time she will understand that she lost a friend that would care for her  for ever and it is so dificult to find another one to help her so much so she will come to contract again... .I wait this moment when I will say to her with deep voice... .Get to the hell or I will pay you the tickets... .sorry for my words guys and girls I think I am still angry about her... .
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« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2011, 04:32:33 PM »

Gaslit & M87,

For me, NC isn't about her.  It really isn't so much about healing either, although I know that will be a byproduct of being detached.  For me, it is about pride, will and self-esteem.  Three things that I gave so easily to myexBPDgf.  The insidiousness of it all is that I didn't even realize I was doing it until they were almost gone.  This is a trial by fire.  This is the greatest emotional test I have ever faced (hate to be melodramatic) and I will not fail.  I need to prove to myself, above all others, that I can overcome this adversity.  Make no mistake that this is a miserable, heart wrenching process.  However, I am a very goal oriented person and overcoming this challenge is the goal I have set for myself.  
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« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2011, 04:53:01 PM »

we have split up about 8 months ago and the r/s lasted 4 years... .I have not gone perfect NC for more than 1 month all that months... .Always I break her NC by calling her one hundred times to see if she is ok and her replying only once... Not ever once caled back or texted back or emailed back... Now I am determined I am not going to call ever ever again may be good with her life may be having amazing life may be in the paradise may be on hell or dead I dont care anymore... .
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« Reply #8 on: April 09, 2011, 05:09:39 PM »

Moved out 7 months ago.

December was last recycle (I started studying BPD afterwards and discovered this site).

LC 4 months

NC 6 weeks

During LC period it is her contacting me and I was willing to respond as long as it is not crazy talk. I responded some and ignored others. I am still fine with that. I am detached and have no desire to rekindle the relationship. She finally quit texting me 6 weeks ago. She was looking for validation from me and wasn't getting it. I suspect she is well into another relationship so the phone has finally gone silent. I think I am BPD free now!  Being cool (click to insert in post)

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Mary Oliver:  Someone I loved gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift

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« Reply #9 on: April 09, 2011, 05:40:59 PM »

I have been no contact since January 19th, I got sick and tired of the abuse, the lies, the no shows, and hundreds of calls and lastly the disrespectful way she treated me. No I am not calling her at all.

I agree we will make it- it is tough, but our pride, slef worht and esteem is well worth it.
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BreadHead
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« Reply #10 on: April 09, 2011, 10:56:50 PM »

well crap crap crap!  Since cyber stalking is included I guess I'm NC for about 6 hours!  balls.   ;p

If we're talking any communication (including responding to emails/messages) It's been 10 days since he said "that's it, we're done communicating" and I took him at his word.

and now he wants to be friends on facebook... .ha!
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just_think
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« Reply #11 on: April 09, 2011, 11:04:20 PM »

cyberstalking: since i went and smoked a cigarette. on the wagon.

actual contact: once in early march and nothing since jan before that.
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« Reply #12 on: April 09, 2011, 11:20:51 PM »

Ok all, Nc mean Nc , no looking for em on facebook, tagged, Livestock.com (haha0  stay the h*ll out iof their lives if no kids are involved.  Block everything you can,  be a Goalie on an all star soccer teaam,  your goal is not to allow anything to get through,  No Im, texts, Voicmails, letters, emails.  Airplane writting in the sky - Unless you wanan INk bomb their home and cars (haha).

  Just suck it up and do the No Conact thing,   tis hard,  but life is harder with em then without them
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mary87
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« Reply #13 on: April 10, 2011, 04:37:16 AM »

Why NO CYBERSTALKING is so important:

It's all about control, when we are cyberstalking them, and "caring" about what they are doing, they are still controlling us!

each time I see (saw since now 3 days  ;p ) a new status update, a new picture or a girl new girl that he had added it affected me for several of days... .more pain, more hurt, and less productivity in my own "pursue of happiness".

c'mon guys we gotta be strong and NOT letting them PLAY with us ANYMORE! I am not going to let him ruin more of my life... .

tnx guys for u'r support and plz keep posting

Thinkpensive: stay strong, try to make it a whole day, and then let us know how it went! ... ."codependency" huh... ?  ;p  

Bread head : 6 hours is a start!

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hurt.former.friend

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« Reply #14 on: April 10, 2011, 08:19:15 AM »



NC for a day, I guess, but need some help... .

If she (former friend) leaves an email message for my Mom to tell me hello and I avoid acting strange by just asking some random questions about where she is, what she is doing, etc., does that count? 

If I spend time on this board, that means I am thinking about her, and thus she is winning.  Do I stop readiing the boards?

If she is spreading rumors and I am attempting to put them out by talking to mutal friends about the situation, does that still count as N/C?

If she is going to be on vacation for 4 weeks with my parents and I am electing not to attend, does that make me weak (giving her the upper hand with the folks) or make me strong (avoid her by N/C at all costs)?

Thanks... .my BPD former friend is now, sadly, my sister-in-law.  She married my brother and then turned against me.  She is now determined to "take over" my life... .by forming bonds with every friend of mine she can, by feeding lies to my brother to keep us apart, by sucking up to my parents to make me the black sheep, etc.  She's doing a pretty good job so far.  I don't know if N/C will work because she still gets fed information from everyone in my family and close friends.  These people do not see her the way I do and they think I am the one with the problem.  This is what she is hoping for, and I hate letting her win, even these small victories.  UGH!
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desertbuck
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« Reply #15 on: April 10, 2011, 08:36:21 AM »

To me, No Contact is like running a marathon.  At the start, you are feeling energetic and motivated.  Those first few miles go by rather quickly.  In the midst of the race, you are starting to feel the mental and physical tedium of each mile.  You are trying your best to stay motivated.  By the end of the race, you are exhausted physically and emotionally.  You are less concerned about completing the race than making it through one more mile.  In fact, one more mile becomes your mantra.  You are focusing on each step, pushing through the pain.  And then, low and behold, you have finished.  You have completed the goal, and the exhiliration you feel is indescribable.

The process of detachment is very similar.  For  awhile, we are supremely motivated to stay detached by our pain and anger.  However, somewhere in the midst of it all, we start to let that anger go and begin to accept the situation.  This can be difficult because, as it is human nature to do, we tend to focus on the positive moments in the relationship.  At times, this can be excruciating because we want to recapture those moments with our partner despite out understanding of the disorder.  Those are the times when we need to focus on each hour, each day and draw upon our inner strength to do what is truly in our best interest.  At some point, we will complete this marathon.  Our paces may all be different, but it will happen.

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desertbuck
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« Reply #16 on: April 10, 2011, 08:44:53 AM »

Hurt,

Thoughts are a reflexive.  They occur because of various stimuli to the brain.  You can't stop them from happening, but you can decide how much importance to attach to them.  Of greater importance are the actions you take in response to your thoughts.  Being on this board is an action you have taken in response to the thoughts you have about your friend.  Sharing these thoughts, and absorbing the input you receive from others, will help you determine the appropriate amount of importance to attribute to them.  At some point, your actions will condition your thoughts.

Thinking about the person with BPD is natural.  Taking actions to explore those thoughts in a non self-destructive manner is healthy.
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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #17 on: April 10, 2011, 08:52:19 AM »

wife of 13 yrs. separated 4 months. First 6 weeks spent trying to reconcile (for kids, but mainly for my own deficiancies i relize now) found this site, talked to alot of good people and friends and finally came to this relization. SHE CAN NEVER BE ABLE TO LOVE ME THE WAY I NEED TO BE LOVED. and yes in the begining there were times i wanted to, and sometimes did, make contact, but mainly to try and get validation from her, LOL, ( man was that painful) but these urges become less and less all the time. i see, and feel myself healing. and like i told my wife during the anger stage.( which still comes and goes,but now for the crap my kids recieve) i cant wait to have a healthy relationship. I always knew something was wrong, well at least after our first was born. but made the decision to lie in the bed i made. But also through this r/s I worked on myself, and when i found and started to deal with my issues, she sat there in bewilderment and couldnt do it for herself. Its strange how throughout the r/s i had all the pieces to the puzzle, tried endlessly to put them together. then found out about BPD, and relized that she never entended to help put the puzzle together, as she was scared to, and would rather destroy a family than deal with her own demons. But now i feel i was there long enough to give the kids a chance ( i hope ) to have healthy relationships. But relizing i would never be whole with this person, turned the pain into disappointment. she no longer looks like the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. Just an empty hollow person,who lives in a dark place, must be brutal. Now i hear through emails ( i cut off other ways of contact) " You hate me " i sometimes respond " no, just disappointed" or " You never knew me", this one just brings a chuckle. I know this has a translation in BPD talk, probably something like, i dont even know myself, but it doesnt matter anymore, and sooner than later, neither will she. I wish i could have learned BPD translation talk a long time ago. I can remember way too many times, man im raising a third child or what the hell is that supposed to mean. LOL ( it sure as hell wasnt funny while i was going through it though) It amazes me how I endured this for so long. And how close i was to losing my sanity and/or myself. Better days are here and greater days are ahead. Mary, if you focus on yourself, you too will feel this way.

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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #18 on: April 10, 2011, 09:21:45 AM »

NC for a day, I guess, but need some help.  

If she (former friend) leaves an email message for my Mom to tell me hello and I avoid acting strange by just asking some random questions about where she is, what she is doing, etc., does that count? 

If I spend time on this board, that means I am thinking about her, and thus she is winning.  Do I stop readiing the boards?

If she is spreading rumors and I am attempting to put them out by talking to mutal friends about the situation, does that still count as N/C?

If she is going to be on vacation for 4 weeks with my parents and I am electing not to attend, does that make me weak (giving her the upper hand with the folks) or make me strong (avoid her by N/C at all costs)?

Thanks.   my BPD former friend is now, sadly, my sister-in-law.  She married my brother and then turned against me.  She is now determined to "take over" my life.   by forming bonds with every friend of mine she can, by feeding lies to my brother to keep us apart, by sucking up to my parents to make me the black sheep, etc.  She's doing a pretty good job so far.  I don't know if N/C will work because she still gets fed information from everyone in my family and close friends.  These people do not see her the way I do and they think I am the one with the problem.  This is what she is hoping for, and I hate letting her win, even these small victories.  UGH!


Hurt, If this person is truly BPD, your brother is in for the ride of his life, and that will work itself out. You may possibly be the one validating him one day. Only those close will feel the wrath. Those friends you say you have. You will now find out if they are truly your friends. A bit of advice, dont try to validate your relationship with anyone envolved. Yes, you will be the crazy one. Im living proof, along with many on this site. My own mother couldnt see it, until time proved otherwise. Sounds like a really crazy-making situation. Just how the BPD er has to have it. So the less you imput, the sooner things will take its course, as this was how it was for me. Suggest staying on this site and maybe a "T" for you. In time this person will no longer matter, if you choose.
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mary87
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« Reply #19 on: April 10, 2011, 10:11:31 AM »

hey skip! why did u change the name of this thread?

I have had abstine-e-e-e-ence all daay, but coming here to this board has helped me to not give in. It's just so easy, just a few clicks! But I won't do it.

dessertbuck comparing it to a marathon was a good methaphore... .right now, for me it's more like an addiction... .I hope once the drug is out of my system it will be easier, but of course the urge for the drug will remain much longer... .

NC for a day, I guess, but need some help... .



1 day! good for u, I think in your case u have to find a way to stop her from getting under your scin... I'm sorry to hear about u'r situation... .and I'm kinda sad for u'r brother 2... .


If I spend time on this board, that means I am thinking about her, and thus she is winning.  :)o I stop readiing the boards?

for me it's like going from heroin to nicotine... .where Contact is heroin and this board is nicotine, eventually when I have truly healed I will have to stay away from the nicotine as well. But until then I think we need this board to UNDERSTAND what we have been through and I think that it will prompt the healing process... .at least it has 4 me Smiling (click to insert in post)

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Mystic
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« Reply #20 on: April 10, 2011, 10:41:06 AM »

NC since Oct after my emails for peace and closure between us were met with a cold and ugly response.  I decided that any further contact with him would only serve to hurt me and gratify whatever it is he gets out of being ugly so I made no further attempts. 

He showed up at my son's place a few weeks ago, returning something that belonged to my son (after 8 months), acting like nothing had happened.  My son was shocked, as was I.  My normal response would have been to make contact, thank him, make another attempt at peace, whatever. 

No more.  I just won't put myself in the position to be the recipient of any further abuse in a no win situation with someone who completely broke faith with me.  I've been hurt enough, and my highest goal at this point is self preservation, healing and recovery. 
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« Reply #21 on: April 10, 2011, 03:19:53 PM »

Broke my NC (looked at his FB profile)... .:'(

disappointed... .

why do I care bout what he does?... .and who he might be seeing... ? he is not worth my thoughts... .

starting over... .
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« Reply #22 on: April 10, 2011, 03:23:31 PM »

Broke my NC (looked at his FB profile)... .:'(

disappointed... .

why do I care bout what he does?... .and who he might be seeing... ? he is not worth my thoughts... .

starting over... .

Don't beat yourself up my dear!   

I'll check in... .so far today I've maintained NC, keep being tempted to check his FB profile or something, but instead I'm attempting to contact as many comedy clubs as possible and pimp myself out!  Go me!   Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #23 on: April 10, 2011, 03:31:48 PM »

good 4 u!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  1 day is 1 day ...

I think I have to do something about my internetconnection tomorrow ;p ... .

but seriously, tnx 4 u'r support... .Smiling (click to insert in post)

ps: why comedy clubs?  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #24 on: April 10, 2011, 03:38:38 PM »

good 4 u!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  1 day is 1 day ...

I think I have to do something about my internetconnection tomorrow ;p ... .

but seriously, tnx 4 u'r support... .Smiling (click to insert in post)

ps: why comedy clubs?  Smiling (click to insert in post)

If it's going to be a huge issue you can always block him on FB, just a suggestions, it takes some of the stress out of your hands. 

and in regards to comedy clubs... .i'm a stand up comic and trying to get work is like a full time job.  So I'm focusing on that, on myself and my comedy career.  it's all about ME ME ME today:)

Make today about YOU YOU YOU!
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« Reply #25 on: April 10, 2011, 04:01:49 PM »

I'm struggling with the Facebook thing... .Aghh. I "broke down" and commented on a post (Mar 30th) from my exBPDbf ... .He posted a picture and announced his Mom's 92nd BDay celebration... .I sent along a comment wishing her well. Probably shouldn't have taken the bait. My ex rarely uses Facebook but I saw his announcement via the "daily feeds"... .I just can't bring myself to "block" yet? But, deep down I know that I need to do this... .

Prior to this, he contaced me (after dumping me on VDay) about 3 weeks ago when he saw something posted on my Facebook page... .Up until then, I honestly never gave any thought to him viewing me on Facebook... .I was very shocked that he reached out to me at all. Because of his "patterns" of bahavior with me, I have long felt that once I was "out of his sight", I was "forgotten"... .

But, I now need to "forget"... .I am so grateful for this site!
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« Reply #26 on: April 10, 2011, 04:16:43 PM »

whitedoe, yeah it's a good site Smiling (click to insert in post) it has helped me to understand a lot of things that I went through...

so u have been NC for about 10-11 days now?

I needed to hear this message! Thank you for posting! Smiling (click to insert in post)

It's what I'm trying to tell my self... I just hope It will sink into my head soon Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #27 on: April 10, 2011, 04:35:21 PM »

WD - I am with you on the Facebook thing.  Even though HE initiated the no contact (back on March 19) and HE changed his relationship status on FB (from "in a relationship with" to [nothing]), he did not unfriend me, and he did not remove any of the pictures of us together from his page.

After 19 days I could not take it any more because I found myself constantly checking his page.  For nothing.  He didn't post about anyone else, there were no pics of him out having fun, none of that.  But I could not torture myself anymore so I went ahead and unfriended him.

That was late Thursday night last week.  ABout twenty minutes later he emailed me.  At midnight.  Now all I have done is think about how / if to reply.  His email was an apology, but it didn't suggest we talk or anything.

My only complaints about him?  When things get too much for him (either emotions get too intense or his abandonment / conflict fears are triggered) he goes completely silent and disappears ... .no calls, no texts, no emails, for weeks, as if I never existed.  This is the third time.  Every time he comes back with an email that doesn't indicate his intentions AT ALL.  The last two times I emailed back and we got back together and everything went back to when it was good.  I haven't replied yet.  I want to - send something short and succinct, but I am thinking it will be for nothing ... .
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« Reply #28 on: April 10, 2011, 04:35:30 PM »

Yes, Mary87... .about 10-11 days now... .

Since I found this site and all the amazingly support here, I am starting to climb out of my deep despair and work towards healing... .I am soo grateful beyond words... .
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« Reply #29 on: April 10, 2011, 04:45:25 PM »

Ohhh, Snucker... .I would be thinking just like you... .Wanting to reply? It's such a bizarre ordeal to never be able to sit down and have a "real adult conversation" about any of this? It's all games and more games? Aghh... .I have been soo tempted to just leave a quick VM at my exbf's work number (when I know he's not in the office)... .Just to hear his voice - BUT, I will not! Instead, I just come back to this site and READ and READ... .I have been soo enormously helped by the comments shared on this site. I see "my story" everywhere... .There is no fixing a relationship with a pwBPD? And this is so God awful painful!
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« Reply #30 on: April 10, 2011, 05:52:15 PM »

Why NO CYBERSTALKING is so important:

It's all about control, when we are cyberstalking them, and "caring" about what they are doing, they are still controlling us!

c'mon guys we gotta be strong and NOT letting them PLAY with us ANYMORE! I am not going to let him ruin more of my life... .

Cyberstalking is on us. If you stick your head in a meat grinder, you can blame it for being sharp, but  you can't blame the meat grinder for removing your forehead.  Thats on you.

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« Reply #31 on: April 10, 2011, 08:09:38 PM »

For me, the cyberstalking was the last thing to go.  It was really really hard for me to stop doing it.  But stop I did.  Actually, by that time I didn't even care anymore - it was more of a habit than anything.

Out of sight, out of mind.  That was definitely not true in my case.

I wondered at the beginning if nc would actually even work.  I went through a period of serious rumination.  But with time, and looking at him and the relationship through a more realistic light I was able to detach.  I would not have been able to get to that point if I had had contact with him.  I wouldn't have been able to see things as they really were if I had encountered him in person.

For me, it was either all or nothing.  All was not posssible, and I chose nothing.  I am still a little sad that there could be no middle ground, but that's just the way it is... .
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« Reply #32 on: April 10, 2011, 08:29:52 PM »

It's been 3 weeks today for me  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  

I had a week of not contacting her when she was healing from surgery- but we were still technically together, i just needed some space to disengage, i was trying to leave her.

Then it's been 2 weeks since she rang and told me she's seeing someone else.

The fact that we work together means there is forced contact, but i have managed it within professional boundaries, which i will consider NC because there has been no personal displays or interactions from me.

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« Reply #33 on: April 10, 2011, 09:05:29 PM »

cyberstalking i've been really good about, especially since she left me both a window and a back door. i could see her photos if i wanted to, but not her wall. however, she remained friends with our joint account, and did not delete it, and i have used it one time to verify her whereabouts when she stole from me. i am certain she maintains it incase i block her account, and/or to check my moms account. i do keep checking her profile picture only, for some reason, trying to stop that. it wouldn't matter what she made it, if she were to change it it would get my brain going. i've made the decision neither to block her or to remove any of her friends. i have them hidden from my news feed, so they might as well not be there, but i dont want to do what she did, and i just dont consider it necessary or consider it "contact".

there was a sort of indirect contact before i learned about BPD. i had kept total silence since she introduced the new guy, but when i caught her rummaging through the email attached to my facebook i misinterpreted her actions, and left a one line email for her. she responded by attempting to steal 140 dollars from me. i then directly contacted her (impulsively) asking her if she'd done it.

i guess i'm in limited contact because i have contacted her a few times about exchanging our things, and she is delaying the process. so hopefully i'll get my things back on thursday, change my email password, and be in NC as far as i am concerned. im a bit worried from what i read on here that that will further heighten the detachment feelings and perhaps set me back a bit.
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« Reply #34 on: April 11, 2011, 08:13:44 AM »

OH HEY!  Now I remember why cyberstalking is BAD news! 

I get to go back to square one, couldn't resist and looked at his FB (CUSS!)

He's listed as "in a relationship!" as of 6 days ago and the message to try to be my friend on FB was sent on the exact same day.  I had planned to get a lot done today and now I'm finding no motivation whatsoever. 

URGH.  Something is seriously wrong with me!
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« Reply #35 on: April 11, 2011, 09:27:46 AM »

bread head, know exactly how u feel  

but what u can do now is to not let him ruin your day! do something useful and each time u start thinking bout him wave that thought away like it's an annoying mosquito!

that''s what I've been trying to do all day, so far so good... .but it's hard... . 
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« Reply #36 on: April 11, 2011, 11:11:13 AM »

11 months strict "nc".  Other than divorce papers, I recieved one certified letter from him the other day.  He says I owe him money and I say he owes me!  But, how do you tally up the price of emotional and mental trauma? 

Since the divorce was final a couple of weeks ago, I see no reason to ever communicate with him again.  I'm going to speak with the post man and find out if there is a way to block his certified letters.  Otherwise, they'll be going straight into the trash unopened. 

If he knew the pain that he's caused me and my kids and how much I can't stand him, he wouldn't bother to send any correspondence at all.  When I see anything come from him, it makes me angry and brings back the bad feelings.  I still have alot of healing to do, even after almost a year.  But, I'm in a much better place than I was when "nc" was initiated.     
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« Reply #37 on: April 11, 2011, 02:16:08 PM »

The most I've lasted with strict NC is a month and then I fall prey to the "itch".  I'm on and off the wagon... .

I suggest blocking them on fb because it does make you think twice because you have to go through the extra step of unblocking them (and fyi, you need to wait 2 very long and painful days before you can block them again).

I know that I haven't given up hope, which is part of my problem.  I'm moving ever so slowly towards detachment but there is still a big piece of me that is holding on.  I know it's my issue... .
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« Reply #38 on: April 11, 2011, 02:22:56 PM »

lavamika if I block him on FB will he Know I have blocked him?

and can he see my profile pic and search for me still? or will I be like "deactivated" to him?
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« Reply #39 on: April 11, 2011, 02:28:08 PM »

lavamika if I block him on FB will he Know I have blocked him?

and can he see my profile pic and search for me still? or will I be like "deactivated" to him?

If he searches you, your profile won't exist anymore so yes, he could know if he's trying to find you.  He doesn't get a notice that it happens but you'll essentially "dissapear".

We have some mutual friends and it can be weird because I'll comment on a mutual friend's photo and not know that he had commented too.  he also won't know I commented.  To the person who doesn't know we're blocked, it looks like we're talking to each other but we aren't!

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« Reply #40 on: April 11, 2011, 02:31:36 PM »

ok tnx,

so he would think I have left facebook? he he, I don't think I want to give him that pleasure... .

I'll just have to control myself! :-s
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« Reply #41 on: October 24, 2011, 01:12:25 PM »

Broken up for 3 days. He called once and texted once. I did not answer. It was easy not not. But I have been looking at his FB page once... .:|

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« Reply #42 on: October 24, 2011, 01:43:37 PM »

I'm seven months out. Still struggling with making my own closure. Still emotionally attached but I'm able to accept that we had a toxic relationship based on enmeshment. My ex lives across the street so its extra hard. We avoid each other at all costs.

At first No Contact was used a punishment on my part. I wanted him to feel bad for his behavior towards me. I wanted him to know that his actions had consequences. I wanted to give him a taste of his own hurtful medicine.  I wanted him to suffer and I believe I succeeded. But after a couple of weeks I missed him so badly that I thought I was gonna die. I wanted to throw myself at his feet and make him see me: the real me who wanted nothing more than to love him to wholeness.

Then I realized that No Contact meant that I couldn't go back to an unhealthy situation. No Contact means accepting that you cannot "fix" things. No contact is not a "winning strategy" but surrendering.  This realization crushed me. I went through serious withdrawal. Thought of my ex incessantly but didn't act on it. Church helped a lot. Crying, mourning, grieving, thinking about my lack of boundaries and my need for validation helped me get to the root of my codependency.  Friends, work, and BPD family helped to distract me from the ruminating. I feel like he put a root doll on me; I've dated. Doesn't work. I work out. I still miss the good times. I wish he could drown in all the tears I've cried.

I never thought I'd have to cut off my hand to save my right arm. Cutting my undiagnosed ex out of my life is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life. All I have on my side is time. No contact has been one minute, hour, and one pants leg at a time. Time has been the most important component in healing from this. Time is the only thing decreases the intensity of the pain.

HG
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« Reply #43 on: October 24, 2011, 01:49:59 PM »

What exaclty is ''withdrawal''?

It is funny because I could not sleep the night of the break up. And then I cried in the morning a lot and felt imense pain. And that was that.

I still feel some pain underneath... .but I am not getting overwhelmed. I certianly do wish for the best. That after all this pain my body's had enough, my mind and heart has had enough.

I hope I don't feel ok now just to be crushed by pain later.

I do hope my motives are real, as to the NC.

I will go back to the r/s only if he gets treatment and is cooperative. Otherwise no.

This is my goal. I am taking it a day at a time. I do not think of forever.

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« Reply #44 on: October 24, 2011, 01:58:04 PM »

I wanted to throw myself at his feet and make him see me: the real me who wanted nothing more than to love him to wholeness.

HG

Omg... .it's so heartbeaking when they cannot see us anymore. When they take our mistakes and make flaws out of them... and then our character and who we are out of them... .And they paint us black and search for every reason not to love us, while we tell them all the reasons we want to love them... .  :'(

It is like they simply forget the good times, they feel nothing, no emotions for that period. And I cannot understand why don't they feel anything... .when that period to us means everything.
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« Reply #45 on: October 24, 2011, 02:02:28 PM »

I'm seven months out. Still struggling with making my own closure. Still emotionally attached but I'm able to accept that we had a toxic relationship based on enmeshment. My ex lives across the street so its extra hard. We avoid each other at all costs.

At first No Contact was used a punishment on my part. I wanted him to feel bad for his behavior towards me. I wanted him to know that his actions had consequences. I wanted to give him a taste of his own hurtful medicine.  I wanted him to suffer and I believe I succeeded. But after a couple of weeks I missed him so badly that I thought I was gonna die. I wanted to throw myself at his feet and make him see me: the real me who wanted nothing more than to love him to wholeness.

Then I realized that No Contact meant that I couldn't go back to an unhealthy situation. No Contact means accepting that you cannot "fix" things. No contact is not a "winning strategy" but surrendering. This realization crushed me. I went through serious withdrawal. Thought of my ex incessantly but didn't act on it. Church helped a lot. Crying, mourning, grieving, thinking about my lack of boundaries and my need for validation helped me get to the root of my codependency.  Friends, work, and BPD family helped to distract me from the ruminating. I feel like he put a root doll on me; I've dated. Doesn't work. I work out. I still miss the good times. I wish he could drown in all the tears I've cried.

I never thought I'd have to cut off my hand to save my right arm. Cutting my undiagnosed ex out of my life is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do in life. All I have on my side is time. No contact has been one minute, hour, and one pants leg at a time. Time has been the most important component in healing from this. Time is the only thing decreases the intensity of the pain.

HG

Didn't he look for you? Or tried to get you back?

Or did you not answer him>?
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« Reply #46 on: October 24, 2011, 02:45:44 PM »

split 4 weeks n/c 5 days as I kept breaking it and she did once and i responded! all the other times i woul contact her get her back but im feling strong this time even though its hurting! I dont feel too much though not happy or sad... maybe thats the anti depressants im not sure, i know i cnt cry for tht long though!

I even have her name tattooed on me if i could get the damn thing covered now i would!

I just feel she is gonna be back at sum point in my life... in some form! I have already got it planned what i will say.  I am by no means a liar but I know the only thing i could say is that i do not love her and havent for a long time... that will hurt me to say that cause i do love her and i probably will for a very long time!

any thoughts on that... i hate lies though!

Harlem gurl I feel the exact same as you! I would end it for punishment reasons and regret it ... she would show me never shows me any emotion... said wen we split she missed me terribly but i just dnt see the expression on her face... i dnt get it... i would go to any lengths for her, die for her, she even cut her wrists over me but i think it was just a victim plea!
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« Reply #47 on: October 24, 2011, 09:07:44 PM »

1st day NC... .I don't know if he has realized that I have blocked him from calling or texting me yet... .it has almost been too quiet... .Sort of worried about what fresh hell I may endure when he realizes I finally took action to get him to stop harassing me. 
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« Reply #48 on: October 24, 2011, 11:42:04 PM »

Excerpt
At first No Contact was used a punishment on my part.

I think I felt a bit of this--punishment the various times we broke up because he hated it when I withdrew (even though he might be courting someone else at the time!). this last time was a bit different. I knew I could not survive another round when I said I wouldn't take him back. I knew he would chase other women no matter what and I couldn't stand it. So I did it ultimately to survive, and I don't think I knew how hard it was going to be this time. I guess it is now 4 months NC and about 6 months since the ragged break up (hard to give an exact time, so I date it from when I knew there was another woman).

On another thread 2010 said that people often reconnect after about 3 months NC (not sure I got the time right)--that there is a strong urge. I think mine is hitting me now. I won't do it though. It is insane to want to contact someone who caused me that much pain. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Diotima
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« Reply #49 on: October 29, 2011, 02:21:49 PM »

just over 8 months for me now. still not sure if she'll ever initiate contact again. seems less likely as time goes by. im closer to 100% preferring it that way. i don't always feel it, but im getting stronger every day.
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« Reply #50 on: October 29, 2011, 02:51:14 PM »

day 4 again cuz i broke it... .bad day today  and i think maybe i should go n/c with her sister. i cnt deal with her in my life!
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« Reply #51 on: October 30, 2011, 07:16:15 AM »

3.5 months here... .not my choice, but oh keeping it can be so hard. if it werent for this board, im sure I wouldve gone groveling back by now... .
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« Reply #52 on: November 02, 2011, 02:02:26 AM »

Minus one drive by (only because someone told me she had moved, and I was hopefull/courious) I have been NC since late May, early June.

She's called once and I ignored her, she texted and I filed harrassing commuication charges agianst her. The county attourney didnt think it was enough to take her to court but since there were two seperate incidents where she was not supposed to contact me he did send the sheriff to see her and tell her to stop all communication once and for all. Since then the stalking behavior has intensified. What used to happen only when I wasn't home (she knows my schedule) now takes place while I am at home (asleep)... .whatever, go away you broke trailor slut, have a nice life!
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« Reply #53 on: November 02, 2011, 02:26:21 AM »

My exH left 4 weeks ago, today, after a recycle following our divorce. The recycle was a huge mistake and I should never have allowed him to come back.    I have been in complete NC since I asked him to leave, so far, I have no desire to have contact with him.

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« Reply #54 on: November 04, 2011, 01:50:32 PM »

Why is it if were hated to much coverd with black paint is it that NONs have to go out of there way to block on FB? you would think it would be the first thing borderlines would do with there erractic behaviours?

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« Reply #55 on: November 04, 2011, 06:02:16 PM »

Duke,

BPDs don't want to block contact because they want to leave all avenues open by default. I know it is hard to wrap our heads around but they don't grieve the ends of r/s's... .because they can't. They just bounce around from r/s to r/s. We block them for our own sanity. If we don't block them, they could appear out of the blue and try to re-engage and that sets us back. Blocking is all about self-protection and care for ourselves so we can heal. They really don't care about anyone's healing, including their own (for the most part).

Sad truth,

Diotima
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« Reply #56 on: November 04, 2011, 06:59:57 PM »

well, um,  ? I just got recycled again, 2 months after the break up. We have hardly gone NC the whole time. But I was willing to try again this last time he started calling a week ago. Then I found out about his personals ads and lies and then he demanded that I put the engagement ring back on. Things got really weird. Really showed his character and the textbook BPD stuff again.

I certainly fell off the wagon.

I dont know that I could ever not read his emails or texts, but I intend to never take the bait again. he has sworn he will never contact me again. He says I broke his heart for the last time. 
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« Reply #57 on: November 05, 2011, 07:17:21 AM »

Duke,

BPDs don't want to block contact because they want to leave all avenues open by default. I know it is hard to wrap our heads around but they don't grieve the ends of r/s's... .because they can't. They just bounce around from r/s to r/s. We block them for our own sanity. If we don't block them, they could appear out of the blue and try to re-engage and that sets us back. Blocking is all about self-protection and care for ourselves so we can heal. They really don't care about anyone's healing, including their own (for the most part).

Sad truth,

Diotima

Thankyou diotmia, i wonderd about this  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #58 on: November 06, 2011, 01:05:54 AM »

BPDs don't want to block contact because they want to leave all avenues open by default. I know it is hard to wrap our heads around but they don't grieve the ends of r/s's... .because they can't.

Good point, diotima. Do you think if a pwBPD eliminates contact (ie: changes phone number, email, messenger ect ect) they are done for good?
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« Reply #59 on: November 06, 2011, 01:30:36 AM »

I agree with Ditoima -- BPDs often play games through FB and their best way of maintaining contact is often via technology -- text, facebook, e-mail, SMS -- because they retain control and don't have to engage in an actual conversation which could lead to all sorts of unknowns/threatening feelings for them.

I went NC 4 weeks ago.  I was not, however, able to bring myself to block him from my FB account at that point.  So, I wasn't fully NC.  In fact, the whole FB thing was really unhealthy because it kept his picture on my page because he "poked" me not that long before and I hadn't responded ... .yada, yada, yada ... .

On October 27th, 10 days ago, I blocked him from my FB account AND from my mom's FB account so even if I was tempted I would have no way of looking him up. 

I felt pretty terrible after I blocked him from FB.  Not for him, for me.  It felt like the final, true ending.  Like a death.  And it freaking hurt and still does.  But in another more important way -- I feel better b/c I'm not waiting for him to try to hurt me by posting or doing something painful.  And I am resolved to staying NC no matter how much it hurts. 
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« Reply #60 on: November 09, 2011, 04:50:45 PM »

I made it through 5 weeks of NC!  This weekend was very tough, what should have been our 5th wedding anniversary, so it was very depressing.  I went out with friends instead, but he is never far from my mind, have to keep working on that.

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« Reply #61 on: November 09, 2011, 05:24:57 PM »

I agree with Ditoima -- BPDs often play games through FB and their best way of maintaining contact is often via technology -- text, facebook, e-mail, SMS -- because they retain control and don't have to engage in an actual conversation which could lead to all sorts of unknowns/threatening feelings for them.

I went NC 4 weeks ago.  I was not, however, able to bring myself to block him from my FB account at that point.  So, I wasn't fully NC.  In fact, the whole FB thing was really unhealthy because it kept his picture on my page because he "poked" me not that long before and I hadn't responded ... .yada, yada, yada ... .

On October 27th, 10 days ago, I blocked him from my FB account AND from my mom's FB account so even if I was tempted I would have no way of looking him up. 

I felt pretty terrible after I blocked him from FB.  Not for him, for me.  It felt like the final, true ending.  Like a death.  And it freaking hurt and still does.  But in another more important way -- I feel better b/c I'm not waiting for him to try to hurt me by posting or doing something painful.  And I am resolved to staying NC no matter how much it hurts. 

Yes as my ex was detaching from me she was always on line, on facebook, communicated only by email when she moved away, broke up with me by email, and before I knew about BPD I had this awareness that she was controlling the communication and content of communication, she would rage at me, but not let me voice an opinion or concern.

So yes I agree with all of this and there extreme need for control and somehow with new technology it caters to their pathology
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« Reply #62 on: November 09, 2011, 06:15:49 PM »

Frieda,

IMHO it would be really weird for a BPD to block all contact--at least for the long term. I am just speculating but I would think that if he or she did this, it would be impulsive and in the moment. God knows what goes through their heads. I know from my own experience that my ex would love to have contact, but he is a serial cheater who gets puffed up by having a lot of females to email/text/etc. He is NBPD and likes lots of spares. I can't speak for the ones that cut off totally--if in fact they really do cut off for good. BPDs don't mourn given their lack of object constancy. This doesn't mean they don't miss people but that if their attention is totally consumed by a new host then the previous r/s is not going to look so tempting even if they know from experience that the safest option is to keep several on the back burner. I have a friend who is enmeshed with a waif and the waif doesn't do this. She does, however, keep her hooks in my friend so she can whine about her physical ailments. She doesn't seem to line up new hosts--unless they will listen to her whine.

Wish I could answer your question. Maybe someone else here has experience on this issue.

Diotima
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« Reply #63 on: November 11, 2011, 06:26:12 AM »

Its now been nearly 3 weeks n/c for me and this time im in a really good place.  I see my XBPDGF at college on Tuesday and I just looked past her as if she was just another person.  I felt anxious for a slight minute, but i was fine! :D so far so good, I hope it stays this way!
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« Reply #64 on: March 19, 2012, 10:31:54 PM »

I have not responded to any contact in 6 months... .I did the nc because I knew I was having serious problems with my own thinking and emotional sanity at the end.  It was the only thing that seemed to promise some relief from the stress.  I didnt think it was possible to stay in contact and regain my emotional footing.  The day I did I felt like thank god its over and I can sleep tonight.  The road since then hasn't been easy but space from the chaos was essential to feeling like I could think and feel better.  If I ever have to consider no contact again with anyone I know I'm doing something wrong because healthy relationships don't end in a no contact policy.

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« Reply #65 on: March 20, 2012, 12:02:58 AM »

If I ever have to consider no contact again with anyone I know I'm doing something wrong because healthy relationships don't end in a no contact policy.

GM

Good point GM!

I'm almost at 3 weeks but she contacted me earlier today saying she hopes Im well. I didn't respond since it wasn't even a question. I'm afraid to get in contact since I know she's seeing someone (though he's moving) I just don't want to be hurt again. She hurt me many times and I can't take it. Though I love her I need to protect myself first.
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« Reply #66 on: March 20, 2012, 02:40:53 AM »

NC... .what a concept!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  After the final breakup (there were lots people, but the last one was different because of the replacement), I pretty much stayed nc because of pride and ego (oh HELL no I ain't playing no second fiddle to anyone!    Lol). But when he emailed me all waif like and pitiful on Xmas day I was there with bandaids. Fortunately I had enough self preservation to not allow phone calls (he had "so much to say, so much he'd realized" -yea right whatever). So I think this is when things started going south with replacement.  Realized I couldn't  do it and told him to stop.  Of course I told him to stop in a long sappy email love letter that it was hurting me and didn't want him contacting me unless he was single,clean and sober etc.  He stopped for a while and then contacted me wanting "my thoughts" on going into rehab... .this set me off in an emotional explosion the size of Hiroshima! I was angry, hurt and felt emotionally ripped open (uum like my skin being turned inside out). Then and only then did  I finally listen to my therapist and blocked EVERYTHING.  I realized there would be no good contact, EVERYTHING THIS MAN SAID HURT LIKE HELL (that losing me was harder than he could have imagined, etc- really? He left me and yet HE lost ME?) Everything made me bleed and seeing his name on my Blackberry gave me palpitations because  by this time I knew too much about the impossibility of this relationship! I broke nc in early January with a very brief email response to him "looking out for him" on a matter.  Messed me up aaalllll over again.  So now that i have some distance and perspective, have developed some impulse control and ability to delay gratification, I can walk through the whole scenario of the "what ifs" and say "no thanks" to any kind of contact ( the door must be hermatically bolted shut).  They are so frikking predictable aren't they?  NC rules!  Now I think, "oh hell no, not in a million years am I gonna hand over my serenity, peace of mind, tranquility and mental balance so he can play mental and spiritual origimani with me!  Trust the process n post here instead of making contact... .breaking NC is INSANITY! And by insanity i mean doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Sheer pain keeps me away, knowing that "touching the flame" will burn my finger, hand, arm, entire body and soul - yup pain comes to teach all right! Stay safe, buckle your emotional seatbelts, stay the NC course and don't let the BPD boogeyman (or woman) get you! Peace and  .
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« Reply #67 on: March 20, 2012, 10:02:37 AM »

... .EVERYTHING THIS MAN SAID HURT LIKE HELL ... .

AMEN!

I realized at some point that regardless of whether it was intentional or not on his part, it hurt and would always hurt and even the "nice" conversations would hurt.  I can't even foresee a day when it won't hurt but maybe, and by that point I won't really give a crap anymore. 

NC was the way to go, I've started preaching it to friends that are falling into these traps and every time I do, I realize how extremely valuable it's been for me.
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« Reply #68 on: March 20, 2012, 09:51:24 PM »

its been a year and a month since the breakup, almost a full year since any direct contact. last contact was when i was attempting to get my things back. during that process, she was invading the email attached to my facebook, and i was allowing it, figuring that might help my efforts. it didnt. i finally gave up, and i changed my password.

i peek at her occasionally. i know the standard here is that thats contact, but it doesnt register that way to me. theres not really anything to see, either. if i really wanted to peek, i could log into the mutual account we are both still friends with. no urge to do that. i peek at plenty of people when i feel like it, i dont consider that any different.

she may or may not have made some moves that would be considered "contact". her number appeared on my caller id on new years. for a number of reasons, its impossible to tell whether she called or not, either purposely or on "accident", though its likely it was the latter if at all. probably one of those BPD "pocket dials". we have a couple of mutual friends. for several months i blocked them from my newsfeed, knowing she would comment them for me to see. on some level i think she still does this.

i also believe strongly that she still keeps tabs. my facebook is completely public. one thing that irritated me was that she took my favorite band of all time, and made it hers, and used it to appeal to her new guy. on our one year anniversary of our breakup, i posted something i thought was cryptic enough, no direct shots at her, but i did mention champagne   i also posted two relative songs by that band. that night around 3 am, same time as when she used to invade my email, she changed her profile picture to a picture of that band. weird.

yeah, it sounds a little like im playing games with her, but thats not the intent. like i said, i kept it cryptic. its her problem if she wants to continue to check up on me.
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« Reply #69 on: March 20, 2012, 11:27:52 PM »

I broke it off with him about a month ago but sort of with a twist... .I said things that I knew would throw him into a rage and storm out. Sounds cheesy but his raging was bound to happen sooner or later. He screamed horrible things at me, trashed my place, threw things at me, etc... .total tantrum that night. For a couple of days he was sending text msgs. and emails justifying himself and blaming, blah blah blah, but then he stopped. I never responded to anything and have since blocked him from sending anything to my phone. Anything he tries to send will bounce back to him... .I could care less about anything he has to say, I really am so sick of "mr. victim" and his BPD behavior! I don't have any urges to contact him and won't, I've dealt with enough.   I also change my routine a little bit so I don't run into him around town. If I see a car that looks like his at the store or where ever, I leave the lot! Sanity and peace is my goal and he brings neither to my life... .
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« Reply #70 on: March 21, 2012, 08:42:11 AM »

I am feeling the POSITIVE results of the periods of no contact.

is there a thread of LC for those of us with joint custody in tiny town?

hostage to him and the court

nobody moving

The bottom line is I dont just get to go nc. the courts, the custody evaluator, the lawyers, the judge, the private counselor, the community service counselors, the child art therapist, the family justice workers and the divorce manual all say... .the goal is to be able to communicate for our childs needs be met, beween US and learn to negotiate. practice practice practice.


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« Reply #71 on: September 12, 2013, 08:46:46 AM »

 Being cool (click to insert in post) It's been 8 days of no contact, well minimal contact since we have 3 kids together.

I blocked her from my personal e-mail addresses and work e-mail. I opened an e-mail for the kids and only to communicate about the kids. So far she has replied to nothing, but I expected it. She went no contact when she discarded me for my replacement and left me. She would still fight with me via test and e-mail, I'm assuming it was to keep communicating with me albeit it being negative.

Funny thing though. She came around my place walking with the kids and my replacements sister and her kids. She was looking at my place and me. I was outside and when I noticed it was her I went in.  I'm assuming she's curious as to why I have not contacted her and I made it clear that I won't respond or to show her new sister in-law how abusive the ex is, see he sees me and the kids and runs inside, how abusive! I'm not going to try to kill myslef with decyphering but she did come around for a reason. There's no reason for her to walk around my place.
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« Reply #72 on: September 12, 2013, 08:47:58 AM »

I am NC 8+ weeks.

Anxiety and related symptoms have noticeably disappeared since being NC.

I have no desire to make contact.

Facebook and Instagram permanently closed since she left me second time.

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« Reply #73 on: September 12, 2013, 03:34:29 PM »

I haven't been in contact since February 2013, we broke up in January 2013.

He has decided to still be involved in the animal shelter I volunteer at, however I hope he doesn't come this Saturday since I'll be there. I would hope his boundary breaking, would stick with no contact with me, but I can't trust him. If I do see him, it is not me that is breaking NC, since I won't talk to him, I'll ignore him hope that he does the same!
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« Reply #74 on: September 12, 2013, 05:03:51 PM »

Facebook and Instagram permanently closed since she left me second time.

I've gone ahead today and shut down Facebook, Twitter and Google +. Batten down the hatches.
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« Reply #75 on: September 12, 2013, 08:11:24 PM »

Facebook and Instagram permanently closed since she left me second time.

I've gone ahead today and shut down Facebook, Twitter and Google +. Batten down the hatches.

Very good Mutt.

It will help you in the very fact that you will not be exposed to anything from that person that will only hurt you.

Almost like a further barrier to help you heal behind NC.

That is what it is doing for me.
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« Reply #76 on: January 26, 2015, 01:53:50 PM »

"No Contact" the Right Way and the Wrong Way


The key elements of "No Contact" are:

~    to get the partner out of your day-to- day life,

~    to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,

~    to take them out of your vision of the future,

~    to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and

~    to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.

   

That last one is the hardest, but it really saved me.  An important one for all of us to remember.
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« Reply #77 on: January 26, 2015, 02:26:09 PM »

Question:  I unfriended her on FB the day I said goodbye - but I'm still FB friends with members of her family - so I occasionally see her pop up in their family photos.  I also take a look at her profile pic from time to time - this actually doesn't set me back because it has confirmed her instability even more (in one unsmiling pic she had "dead eyes" - but in the most recent pic she looks wild eyed and unstable.)

Does this mean I'm not n/c?
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« Reply #78 on: January 26, 2015, 02:29:35 PM »

Question:  I unfriended her on FB the day I said goodbye - but I'm still FB friends with members of her family - so I occasionally see her pop up in their family photos.  I also take a look at her profile pic from time to time - this actually doesn't set me back because it has confirmed her instability even more (in one unsmiling pic she had "dead eyes" - but in the most recent pic she looks wild eyed and unstable.)

Does this mean I'm not n/c?

I don't think so but certainly qualifies as keeping the attachment in some form.
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« Reply #79 on: January 26, 2015, 02:40:10 PM »

Question:  I unfriended her on FB the day I said goodbye - but I'm still FB friends with members of her family - so I occasionally see her pop up in their family photos.  I also take a look at her profile pic from time to time - this actually doesn't set me back because it has confirmed her instability even more (in one unsmiling pic she had "dead eyes" - but in the most recent pic she looks wild eyed and unstable.)

Does this mean I'm not n/c?

I don't think so but certainly qualifies as keeping the attachment in some form.

I understand what you're saying... .and I'm aware of that and working through it. 
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« Reply #80 on: January 26, 2015, 02:41:58 PM »

Question:  I unfriended her on FB the day I said goodbye - but I'm still FB friends with members of her family - so I occasionally see her pop up in their family photos.  I also take a look at her profile pic from time to time - this actually doesn't set me back because it has confirmed her instability even more (in one unsmiling pic she had "dead eyes" - but in the most recent pic she looks wild eyed and unstable.)

Does this mean I'm not n/c?

No contact is a tool, not a mandate.  It's actually better to ramp down a relationship slowly, but sometimes it's just not possible, like for me I was fleeing to retain what was left of my sanity.  NC is no contact, not no communication, so cyberstalking her a little bit on Facebook is technically contact, but it's up to you to decide if that matters.  My ex contacted me about 9 months after I left her, and I'd learned about the disorder and detached a little by then, so her communication was transparent and disgusted me, which actually helped with my detachment.  You mention you find it confirming, so maybe that is helping; if we make it all about us and our emotional health, at last, the only measure is is it helping or hurting our detachment and our future?
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« Reply #81 on: January 26, 2015, 02:51:31 PM »

Question:  I unfriended her on FB the day I said goodbye - but I'm still FB friends with members of her family - so I occasionally see her pop up in their family photos.  I also take a look at her profile pic from time to time - this actually doesn't set me back because it has confirmed her instability even more (in one unsmiling pic she had "dead eyes" - but in the most recent pic she looks wild eyed and unstable.)

Does this mean I'm not n/c?

No contact is a tool, not a mandate.  It's actually better to ramp down a relationship slowly, but sometimes it's just not possible, like for me I was fleeing to retain what was left of my sanity.  NC is no contact, not no communication, so cyberstalking her a little bit on Facebook is technically contact, but it's up to you to decide if that matters.  My ex contacted me about 9 months after I left her, and I'd learned about the disorder and detached a little by then, so her communication was transparent and disgusted me, which actually helped with my detachment.  You mention you find it confirming, so maybe that is helping; if we make it all about us and our emotional health, at last, the only measure is is it helping or hurting our detachment and our future?

Thank you for this response Smiling (click to insert in post)  I often look for your responses because they are so well reasoned and have helped me a lot along the way.

The truth is that detachment is a process, and while I am well on my way to detaching, I am not done.  I have focused on making my emotional health a priority - and if the day comes when I feel that, for that reason, I need to de-friend members of her family or remove myself from FB entirely - then I'll do it.

At this point it's not the case.  I only figured out her BPD as we were breaking up, so seeing a pic of her with her replacement and seeing the instability in her eyes has helped confirm my thoughts - and "wrap up" some of the questions that were lingering. I feel stronger month by month.
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« Reply #82 on: January 26, 2015, 03:02:23 PM »

Question:  I unfriended her on FB the day I said goodbye - but I'm still FB friends with members of her family - so I occasionally see her pop up in their family photos.  I also take a look at her profile pic from time to time - this actually doesn't set me back because it has confirmed her instability even more (in one unsmiling pic she had "dead eyes" - but in the most recent pic she looks wild eyed and unstable.)

Does this mean I'm not n/c?

No contact is a tool, not a mandate.  It's actually better to ramp down a relationship slowly, but sometimes it's just not possible, like for me I was fleeing to retain what was left of my sanity.  NC is no contact, not no communication, so cyberstalking her a little bit on Facebook is technically contact, but it's up to you to decide if that matters.  My ex contacted me about 9 months after I left her, and I'd learned about the disorder and detached a little by then, so her communication was transparent and disgusted me, which actually helped with my detachment.  You mention you find it confirming, so maybe that is helping; if we make it all about us and our emotional health, at last, the only measure is is it helping or hurting our detachment and our future?

Thank you for this response Smiling (click to insert in post)  I often look for your responses because they are so well reasoned and have helped me a lot along the way.

The truth is that detachment is a process, and while I am well on my way to detaching, I am not done.  I have focused on making my emotional health a priority - and if the day comes when I feel that, for that reason, I need to de-friend members of her family or remove myself from FB entirely - then I'll do it.

At this point it's not the case.  I only figured out her BPD as we were breaking up, so seeing a pic of her with her replacement and seeing the instability in her eyes has helped confirm my thoughts - and "wrap up" some of the questions that were lingering. I feel stronger month by month.

Good reasoning man, you're on it!
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