For parents of adult children with BPD

[qcarolr]

There are many parents here at bpdfamily.com struggling to find a way to balance life with their grown kids that struggle with getting on with their lives - as we struggle to get on with ours. Often there are the complexities of our grandchildren living in less than ideal situations. And we so often feel so powerless to support them in making better choices and in the self-care that is so vital to our own existence.

So here is a thread for us to share our stories - or give a link to a seperate thread of our stories (copy and past the address bar at top - https://bpdfamily... .) or a link to a resource or thread that has been helpful for you and your family.

One resource that has given me some helpful guidance as the parent of BPDD24 is the book:

"When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us. Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives" by Jane Adams, PH.D.

It is not about BPD specifically, but helped me to shift my focus to allow DD some space to live her life and for me to get on with mine. Just one different perspective to add to all the other things I have read to keep my hope alive.

We have a limited contact relationship with DD24, that currently is moving in a more healthy positive direction. Our gd5 has always lived with dh and I; we got custody of her at 18 months. DD has been in and out of our home since gd was 8 months old. DD has lived homeless on the streets in a nearby city for the past 16 months when we initiated limited contact with her. This is brief introduction to my current family situation.

Look forward to meeting you all again here.

qcr

BPDDD24

gd5

dh and me

ps. if we can put our family in our signature maybe help me keep straight who is who.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[serenitygone]

Thanks QCR!

just updated my profile... .hope i did it right... .still learning all the acronyms.

I think this is a fab idea.

I know the ADULT piece does make a huge difference.  I can no longer do certain things.

Frustrating is an understatement.

[NeedToBreathe]

I look forward to this... .

BPDDD25 (Ill figure out the signature thing soon)

[qcarolr]

Do you ever find yourself in a conversation with a neighbor or friend, telling a story about life with BPDAC (adult child=AC), and discover they are staring at you with kind of a shocked expression? I was reading another post with the comment "I can say that SD's parents are so accustomed to their daughters bizarre behaviour that they do not identify half of it as being as odd as it is". I think I do this sometimes sharing with one of gd5's friends' mom about DD24 surviving on the street and it just scares them too much to reply. Sometimes I begin to wonder about myself.

Is this something weird about me to need to share this - is this inappropriate for me to be doing? I think it is part of my coming out of 'isolation' after the past few years as gd5 has started riding the bus to kindergarten and playing with the neighborhood kids. I feel like I need to learn to censor myself somehow.

It feels almost like I am standing off to the side watching myself speak unemotionally about my own life and how I am managing it. Sometimes I feel this way when I get positive feedback from you all on bpdfamily.com. There seems to be some disconnect between my mind and my emotions. Sure doesn't sound like 'Wise Mind' to me?

WHat do you think? Am I just plain crazy - or just a normal mom of my BPDDD24? Do I    or      ;p  :'(  

qcr

[Togetheritispossible]

Looks like your plate is full! Peace to you and your family... Not easy but we stick together... I cant quite imagine your spot but ... how did you finally let go a little bit?

[NeedToBreathe]

It feels almost like I am standing off to the side watching myself speak unemotionally about my own life and how I am managing it. Sometimes I feel this way when I get positive feedback from you all on bpdfamily.com. There seems to be some disconnect between my mind and my emotions. Sure doesn't sound like 'Wise Mind' to me?

You are absolutely not crazy!  I can completely relate to this.  Ive never been convinced that it is a  true disconnect as much as I feel its a tolerance, much like seeing the same scary jumpy part to a movie over and over.  The first time, you jump... .your insides go nuts.  After that, there's no more jumping or reacting.  Maybe even you laugh?  Thats not crazy... .I think its very normal.

Now, throw in some unsuspecting bystander who has never seen the movie and you tell them what you saw with no reaction.  They are going to imagine how THEY would react, which of course would be jumping etc.  They look at you and wonder how you cant react like they would.   Its just two different perspective places for two different people.

Ive dealt with this for years as I became tolerant to my DD25's constant crisis.  People would ask about her and I did both things.  I would be honest and tell them, without emotion and Id get the same blank stare and abrupt exit of the convo.  But Ive also tried filtering and just mentioning any grasp of positive I could find, hoping they wouldnt ask more.  but, then I felt like a liar and almost as if I was betraying myself and my own feelings.  Where is the happy medium?  I dont know.

I remember my sister telling me that she was a little angry at me for my disconnect.  She couldnt understand how a mother could be so unemotional about the situation, but then my daughter stayed with her for a week.  She called me and told me the truth and then said...   " I really get it now... ."

So, do you need to filter for others?  I dont think so.  If they are close enough to you then they will choose to understand.  Strangers dont really need to understand and matter really little, but now that your gd5 is in school I also understand how you fear this could reflect on her?  I dont care to have my son or my daughter be tagged with "the kids with the crazy sister" label.

More thought on this one is good... .hope we can figure it out together!  I dont have the answer but I can relate!

[blackandwhite]

Is this something weird about me to need to share this - is this inappropriate for me to be doing? I think it is part of my coming out of 'isolation' after the past few years as gd5 has started riding the bus to kindergarten and playing with the neighborhood kids. I feel like I need to learn to censor myself somehow.

I think we all struggle with this. I have a different situation (different pwBPD in my life), but also face the question of what to say, to whom. It's a balance between not wanting to overstep the relationship/situation by providing disturbing or too-intimate information on the one hand and being real and open on the other. I also want to balance my need for support with protecting relationships from family chaos. I have some loose guidelines for myself:

• I don't share about my situation in a work context, except with a long-term colleague with whom I also have a friendship.



• If I get questions about my family from casual acquaintances or strangers, I have a few stock answers that I use that are truthful but not too revealing.



• With close friends, I am more open. If they seem genuinely interested, I will share about my situation.



• I discuss if asked, and if I want to initiate, I ask permission. "Lots  been going on... .is this something you'd like to hear about?"



• With close friends who are interested, I tell the story as it is, warts and all. Yes, I think it is shocking. I try to summon my balance when talking about it, but if I'm still processing something that happened, with a couple of good friends who know the story, I simply tell them and get their feedback.



• My DH is a good sounding board, but I also ask his permission and let him know that it's okay to stop discussing. Sometimes I say "Okay, let's think about something else for a while" and move us back to daily life. I don't want family stuff to take over our lives.



• I have a good therapist, so that gives me an outlet and I don't need to process too much with others.

I'm not sure if others have guidelines for yourself? If so, what are they?

 

B&W

[NowIKnow]

No one has responded to my question on another thread about whether their children had tantrums when they were young - but my d29 certainly did.  There was no point in time when her behaviour changed - she was angry as a toddler - and she continues to be so.  I agree that our family built up a tolerance.  D29 was prone to anger, black and white thinking, assigning saint/sinner status, etc. - that's just who she was.  As my xh said recently - at first we thought it was a childhood phase, then we though it was a teenage phase, then we thought it was a young adult independence phase - but now that she's almost 30 (married with two children) we realize this is NOT a phase! 

She is, of course, undiagnosed.  A couple of years ago during one of her "I hate Mom" periods, I offered to fly to her community, spend a week in a hotel, and arrange for some intensive counselling for the two of us.  She refused.  But she DID manage to convince Dr. Phil that I was evil and the cause of all of her issues, so we were (apparently) invited to go on his show - but only if I would agree to attend.  I refused.  My other daughters all wanted to attend, but I knew d29 was only interested in my public humiliation (which she takes great pleasure in.)  The girls said they would all stand up for me (which I know they would have) - but - I'm a private person and have no desire to have my family issues turned into public entertainment.

I don't know when we could have or should have sought help for her, and it's certainly too late for us to do anything for her now - but it's not too late to do something for ourselves.  Her recent acting out created chaos for her sister when she was getting married.  Her raging also turned into a tirade of brutal Face Book insults about several family members (including the Bride), and the release of personal/private information about some family members.  And I'll tell you - that brought out the 'mother bear' instinct in me.  For the first time EVER - I experienced serious anger at d29 - and it has not yet passed.  Although this was not the first time she had use FB as a weapon - she has now breached the tolerance level for all three of her sisters, her father and step-mother, and me (her mother).  My mother has joined forces with her to fuel the fire - although my mother practices a more cunning approach to hurting people - something she has perfected in her 70+ years.  They make quite a pair - considering that they hated one another and hadn't really spoken for over 10 years.

At a deep level, I love my daughter - but at this moment - I do not like her, do not respect her, and do not trust her.  If she was not related, I would cut her cleanly from my life and never look back.  If/when she comes back, she will never be granted access to my FB page again.  I will cautiously accept her back into my life as I have always done before - but I will no longer tolerate her abusive behaviour or allow her to hurt and humiliate me or the people I love without firmly and respectfully communicating my disapproval of her behaviour.  Undoubtedly, this will turn me into a villan and she will shut me out again - but I'm OK with that. 

While she is clearly mentally ill, I am tired of making excuses and walking on egg shells to make her happy when I now know that I can never do that.  I am also tired of feeling bad, guilty, afraid of whether something I have said or done has or will set her off - and I am tired of being punished for doing what I thought was best when she was young.  She is the daughter I rarely speak of - not because I don't love her - but because when I share information with others about my children, I want to share good stuff.  It doesn't have to be big or fancy stuff - we are simple folks who live a simple life.  But unfortunately - d29 doesn't provide me with a lot of speaking material... .

[NeedToBreathe]

While she is clearly mentally ill, I am tired of making excuses and walking on egg shells to make her happy when I now know that I can never do that.  I am also tired of feeling bad, guilty, afraid of whether something I have said or done has or will set her off - and I am tired of being punished for doing what I thought was best when she was young.  She is the daughter I rarely speak of - not because I don't love her - but because when I share information with others about my children, I want to share good stuff.  It doesn't have to be big or fancy stuff - we are simple folks who live a simple life.  But unfortunately - d29 doesn't provide me with a lot of speaking material... .

I can very much relate to, understand, empathise and validate your feelings.  I think you and I are in a very similar place right now.  Going NC is necessary at times.  For how long is up to you and no one else gets to decide if its for a day or forever.  Its very difficult because as Mothers, your never "suppose" to want to say your done.  We are forced to love them in ways that other mothers of normal children dont have to, yet fear judgement from those same people.

Its ok to say you refuse to accept those behaviors in your life in a way that is protective and healthy for you.  What are you doing for you?  Its your job to take care of yourself.

NTB

[qcarolr]

No one has responded to my question on another thread about whether their children had tantrums when they were young - but my d29 certainly did.  There was no point in time when her behaviour changed - she was angry as a toddler - and she continues to be so.  I agree that our family built up a tolerance.  D29 was prone to anger, black and white thinking, assigning saint/sinner status, etc. - that's just who she was.  As my xh said recently - at first we thought it was a childhood phase, then we though it was a teenage phase, then we thought it was a young adult independence phase - but now that she's almost 30 (married with two children) we realize this is NOT a phase! 

NowIKnow - there is another thread from awhile back that addresses the subject. I'll look for it and post a link. The truth is there are many times for many of us here at bpdfamily.com that the out-of-control behaviors started at a very young age and never stopped or got better --- no matter what we did to help along the way. Maybe it is part of the temperment our kids were born with - 'hard-wired anger' is how I often thought of my BPDD. My last entry in DD24's babybook was at about 11 months and consisted of her tantrums that often lasted 45 minutes or until she screamed herself to sleep. Sometimes she screamed so much she lost her breath and passed out briefly. The pediatricians comment when she got her baby shots and this was that she is a "breath holder" and he discussed that if she passed out what to expect and not to panic - her body would breath and she would wake up. Maybe this is a little off track. I have lots of words and sometimes spill too many here.

The point is I was a very proactive mom, and had a nephew (SIL son) that had ADHD and had been in a similar behavior pattern. So I started with DD at 2 1/2 at a psychologists to help with these behaviors. Looking back - I see my own resistance to being told to mother and different way - ie. it was not DD's problem, but my inconsistent, lenient parenting. Now I know if I had the tools I do now, I would have reacted in a more validating way with DD as a toddler. But the harsh reality is that in the long run it may not have made a lot of difference. Because DD ALWAYS RESISTED VERY WILFULLY ANY ATTEMPTS TO HELP HER. She did play therapy at age 5, she was inpatient at a psych hospital at age 6 for 5 weeks (dx ADHD and bipolar), we tried various medications - which she resisted taking. She had an IEP in school (she does have a dx'd non-verbal learning disability as well as the behavioral/mental health issues). I had come from a large family, had helped with my younger siblings, baby-sat a lot, had lots of expectations about being a mom. And this child just seemed to defy all of them from the begininng. I read all the books about raising a difficult child, emotional child. Well you get the picture.

All we can do is accept that we have done the best we can as a parent in each moment of our lives, and find the ways NOW to take care of ourselves the best we can, and the rest of our family. The many resources and tools on the site have really helped me to find my way back to myself. And this has led to my limited contact with DD24 and a healthier relationship more of the time. And there are times when she takes a no contact break. There are times I take a no contact break. Only you can decide what is best for you and the others in your family.

Please keep coming back here. We need each others support.

qcr

[whiletheseasonspass]

I want to talk about pain a bit.  I have already written about this a bit in a post on another thread- where qcarol provided so kindly- some definitions for paradox- please see her entire signature at the bottom of all of her posts- which includes this... .phrasing about "paradox"- "living within the paradox" among other intriguing sentiments - and Dear qcarol- I noticed this signature a long time ago but only recently did it start calling to me-   



Regarding pain AND acceptance of pain- I still struggle with this... .so I hope it is okay that I put it here too- in this thread... .my sentiments about this topic.

So about pain but - maybe to accept that there is much pain- maybe one might have to accept that pain will be a part of our lives if we have not done so already.  We can let go and let God... .but for me- I fight against the pain... .I do not want the pain.  I do not want to believe what is happening.  But that pain... .fighting against the pain... .not wanting the pain... .being willful - against the pain... .I think for me- it only makes the pain stronger... .I really believe it makes it giant- by fighting against it. 

I am still pondering this concept and not sure I am ready to able explain clearly what I understand-... .because it is a realization that I am just getting and I think I need to sit with it... .until it becomes clearer.

I am getting nowhere- except achier and more tired and more consumed and more heartbroken by not accepting that pain is part of this- by RESISTING it- and  like at NAMI meetings- they say- you must go on with your life lugging a heavy heart... .now I think I am beginning to understand.  And maybe the part I am beginning to understand is the lugging of the heavy heart - is part of the picture even if you try to make a life for yourself- while the pain is there.  I think I have not been able to go on with my life because I did not think it possible lugging such a heavy heart... .because I have been resistant... .willful... .against this kind of acceptance. 

So I don't know if it makes any sense or explaining it too well- but it is what is working inside me presently... .and I am not forcing anything on myself... .just that a concept about accepting pain came into me- the way the concept of maybe I cannot save my dd came into me... .

I wonder if anyone else has thoughts about this- I am not saying I can accept the entire picture with all of it's confusion and contradictions- just trying to understand the pain part... .the resistance of it... .;p  

wtsp

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[NeedToBreathe]

It seems to me like there are various moments of acceptance and realizations of different things.  At one point, you accept and acknowlege that you cant save them, that there is nothing you can physically do to change the situation or make them better.  Ive been through that one.  There was relief within sadness together.  The pressure to save and the emotional exertion that goes with it was gone, but like you said, I still drag around this heaviness and ache, learning to keep going ahead to find my happy despite.  Im not always successful but there are moments.

Then there is accepting that ache, that pain.  I find too its a bit harder to accept because it does NOT feel good.  I cant deny the fact that my life is better when my daughter isnt around or when I dont have contact with her.  There is guilt in that itself though.  Sometimes I get very confused and have to ask myself if avoiding contact with her is what is right and healthy for me (and sometimes her too) or if its just my way to avoid the pain, the more intense pain that is. 

Maybe its what you do with the pain that really matters?  There are days when it makes me escape to bed for an afternoon surrounded by balls of kleenex.  Other days it drives me to get something done, something I CAN change, even if its just a pain color.  Letting the pain destroy you or stop living your life helps absolutely no one.  Making the choice to not let that happen may be what acceptance of the pain really is?

[NowIKnow]

Thank you NTB.  I have noted that you and I seem to be in similar places - and I have strongly related to other posts you have written. 

This past month has been extremely difficult for me - perhaps because the 'dance' has finally changed.  For the first time ever, I saw d29 working to destroy an important life-long memory for one of her  sisters.  That is an unforgivable act of abuse against one of my children - regardless of who the abuser was. 

In the past when d29 cut me off or villified me, I was tortured.  The sadness, emptiness, guilt, etc. were constants weights in my heart - and therefore in my life.  But a couple of years ago, somewhere in the midst of one of these periods, I took the Serenity Prayer to heart - and accepted that I could not change her opinion or treatment of me - but I did not have to wear them.  It was a miracle - because the peace settled in.  And essentially - that was life altering.

There have been other incidents since then.  I tell her that I love her, remind her of the boundaries, she blocks me and publically insults me - and I've been OK - until now.  As I said - this time I got angry because she publically targeted one of my other children.  But even that has passed.  It's my mother who is the problem now because she has become a surrogate for d29.  She has taken this opportunity to turn cousins against each other - literally writing to her grandchildren and asking them whose 'side' they are on and encouraging them to side with d29.  She is tearing her family apart.  But this is not unusual behaviour on my mother's part.  She did the same thing to her children when we were young.

But your question is a good one:  What am I doing for myself?  The answer is:  Not enough.  I am extremely stressed right now, and there are few places to turn.  I need to think about designing a wellness plan.  Thanks for the reminder

Hugs to all heartbroken mothers 

[NeedToBreathe]

Im so sorry that you now have to deal with your mothers dysfuntional way of dealing with this too.  I can imagine how it puts a new painful twist on things.  What we have learned about boundaries and acceptance, that we cant control or change our daughters is true for ANYONE that has such a negative influence.  Hell, some days I feel like its safer and less work to hermit, but thats not realistic or a good thing either.

Someone said in another post how they revisit needing therapy or help every once and a while.  Im not suggesting you should go to therapy but instead go back to some of the tools you learned and probably used a bit more a couple of years ago.  I know that I for one can get lazy about my own self care and forget I have tools that really helped me sift through the HUGE range of emotions.  Im there now, like you.

You have already taken a step towards that just like I have, by seeking out support here on this site.  I am honestly amazed at the similarities, if not mirrored feelings and experiences on here, especially in this particular thread and section.  I feel comforted, understood and validated.  What a wonderful start to some much needed self care huh?

NTB

[qcarolr]

For all my friends here at bpdfamily.com - thank you so much for sharing in this thread. There just seems to be a great outpouring of need here right now with so many of us with grown children struggling with BPD, whether they have an awareness of this dx or not. There is so much pain, yet compassion and wisdom from everyone participating. We are survivors, and with the support we can give to each other can move on to live life as so much more than "surviving".

Today was a very hard one for me - just out of sorts and irritable. Dh and gd5 sure don't deserve my loud grumpiness today ;p  So I will take all your words to bed with me now. Sundays are hard as dh works, and gd5 friends are often not available to play. Just a little whining I guess. So off to bed and hope to have a moment to stop in tomorrow.

qcr          

 

[NowIKnow]

I'm grateful for the patience, wisdom, and caring here

qcr - I had a pretty terrible day yesterday too.  I woke with a headache that didn't ease until just before dinner, despite a fair amount of otc meds.  The headache kept me from doing work-related activities that I needed to get done this weekend, and I suspect that just added to my stress levels and the headache  

NTB - Your note about self care was a Godsend.  After reading it, I began to consciously pay attention to what was going on with me and I noticed that my 'old' stress response behaviours were manifesting  Tense muscles, physically 'freezing' (moving as little as possible), turning inward (disconnecting from present circumstances and people), circular thinking.  It's been years since I've experienced this degree of stress, and I took a few minutes to remember just how totally non-productive such behaviour is.  That motivated me to get up and tidy my kitchen, eat, think about yoga (although I didn't actually DO any - I will!), began to look for some small projects to sew (my BEST stress reliever!), made dinner, and sewed a couple of small projects.  My headache was but a distant memory by then, so I signed onto work and finished the few projects that were hanging over my head - and Whew!  By 11:30 last night I felt like a new woman!

Today, my clh and I will take a day-trip to a nearby beach.  It's our second anniversary tomorrow, and the beach we're going to was one we visited when we first began seeing one another.  Thankfully, this man is wonderful, and although he's never experienced family dynamics like what's going on right now with d29 and my mother - he is extremely patient with me and says he completely understands why I am stressed.  Both of us deserve a solid day away from the insanity to walk on the beach - and we both deserve my commitment to maintain my sense of awareness of my stress levels so I can take the appropriate action to not get sucked down into an anxious and depressed state.  Prevention is a beautiful thing!

I hope all of you reading this thread have a most wonderful day!

[qcarolr]

NowIKnow - sounds like wonderful day for you. So glad you are in a better place today. Me too .  Gd5 got up asking to go to the zoo today - so we will. My vacuum broke yesterday, so can quite stressing about the messy house and just have a nice day being a grammi.

qcr

[serenitygone]

good for you both.

the stbx took the grandkids this weekend.  DH & I have pretty much just sat around ENJOYING the quiet.  BPDd hasn't been home since Fri afternoon.

I love the drama FREE time. 

All good things must come to an end... .and they'll all be back late this afternoon.

[qcarolr]

Is this something weird about me to need to share this - is this inappropriate for me to be doing? I think it is part of my coming out of 'isolation' after the past few years as gd5 has started riding the bus to kindergarten and playing with the neighborhood kids. I feel like I need to learn to censor myself somehow.

I think we all struggle with this. I have a different situation (different pwBPD in my life), but also face the question of what to say, to whom. It's a balance between not wanting to overstep the relationship/situation by providing disturbing or too-intimate information on the one hand and being real and open on the other. I also want to balance my need for support with protecting relationships from family chaos. I have some loose guidelines for myself:

• I don't share about my situation in a work context, except with a long-term colleague with whom I also have a friendship.



• If I get questions about my family from casual acquaintances or strangers, I have a few stock answers that I use that are truthful but not too revealing.



• With close friends, I am more open. If they seem genuinely interested, I will share about my situation.



• I discuss if asked, and if I want to initiate, I ask permission. "Lots  been going on... .is this something you'd like to hear about?"



• With close friends who are interested, I tell the story as it is, warts and all. Yes, I think it is shocking. I try to summon my balance when talking about it, but if I'm still processing something that happened, with a couple of good friends who know the story, I simply tell them and get their feedback.



• My DH is a good sounding board, but I also ask his permission and let him know that it's okay to stop discussing. Sometimes I say "Okay, let's think about something else for a while" and move us back to daily life. I don't want family stuff to take over our lives.



• I have a good therapist, so that gives me an outlet and I don't need to process too much with others.

I'm not sure if others have guidelines for yourself? If so, what are they?

 

B&W

I finally am getting back to this reply. These are good guideline suggestions. The one that seems to catch my attention today is:

• My DH is a good sounding board, but I also ask his permission and let him know that it's okay to stop discussing. Sometimes I say "Okay, let's think about something else for a while" and move us back to daily life. I don't want family stuff to take over our lives.

Dh has gotten much better at giving me cues when my rambling chatter is more than he can process. He will say "I have been listening but can't take in more right now." Well there are those times he waits too long then just gets angry with me. Cue for a timeout  ;p  So I get up and do something active for at least a few minutes to reset. Like doing the dishes, checking in with gd5's activity of the moment, petting the dog, going to the bathroom - you get the idea.

So I am actively trying to be more aware of when my thoughts are getting stuck on DD-istis and say to myself stop - let it go for now. Like I have ongoing conversations in my head with DD about choices that could make her life easier - ie. therapy, working with case manger so can get housing help.  The reality is the actual conversation nevers goes like the fantasy one, and this kind of obsessive thinking really distracts me from so my other more pleasurable, constructive things in my life.

The DBT class I am taking is helping me to better understand the tools and skills - and use them - to distract and soothe, observe and describe - to hear the chatter in my head and let it float away so there is room for the other stuff of my day. Like safer driving and getting my work done  

How do others handle this kind of obsessive thinking/worry about your BPD kids?

qcr

[NeedToBreathe]

What a great question... .

I ponder that one too.  How much mental energy am I giving away to this and is it any more productive or helpful than physically getting too involved?

I sat on the couch with my SO yesterday so we could talk about our days.  I brought up yesterdays issues with DD25, but very matter of fact.  He told me he was there for me any time I needed to talk.  I told him that there are days when I need to just vent but for the most part I just needed him to know what was up in that particular day.  There didnt have to be any problem solving or tears etc, just someone ELSE in my physical world that KNOWS.  I dont want to be an emotional burden on him OR myself.  Constantly thinking about our BPD kids is really doing that, but to ourselves.

For me, I need to stay busy.  Not as in an avoidance kind of thing, but since I work a 24 and a 12 hour shift a week, that leaves me WAY too much time in my own head if Im not busy.  When I get motivated and do something productive, I feel better about myself and my day.  I usually have music of some sort on so my simple mind can only accomplish those things at hand... .  doing whatever Im doing and listening to music.  Its like taking a break from those damned voices and scenarios that can play havoc on my mind.

Today I plan on doing just that.  It will be my first day of mowing this year.  I love to mow... .  its mindless work with a nice result and I can wear my ipod the whole time 


NTB

[ems mother]

How do I deal with my own mindgames?

I knit and knit and knit.  My h and parents have all the handknit socks a body foot could want.  I also spend a lot of time with the four-legged anti-depressants

And now, thanks to all of you, I vent to people who understand where I'm at, won't take offence at my obsessive worrying, and who encourage me to get well.  

Thank you,

Ems Mother

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

I was searching for information for "Grandparents Raising Granchildren" for another bpdfamily.com thread, and discovered some good links. I have to go be a grandma for awhile now and plan to return to post some here.

Do any of you grandparents out there have resources you would like to share?

qcr  

[qcarolr]

Here is link to my thread about grandparents rights.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=145769.new#new

qcr

[pfaye]

I really hope that more people will continue to write about their adult children with BPD experiences. It helps me feel empowered to hear others voices, who managed to raise their BPD daughters by the grace of God, and who have been through the bloody battles, never winning or hoping to win the war, never figuring out just where that "enemy" came from, but continuing to march forward in life--all marked up with scars, but each seeking true healing. I'm so glad I found this place of respite and understanding.  No one could ever begin to understand the behaviors and splitting and chaos we all face at the hands of this illness, that is, unless you are one of us. My daughter is now 34 and just about to get married for the second time--no kids--but wanting them this time around with the 26 year old man she will marry in a couple of months. It scares me to think that this 34 year old child who could never stand to be around a baby wants to "please" her man with this.  She has alienated this guy from me from the day she started to date him. They moved away to a coastal town and they spend every waking moment together. When they do come visit, they stay most of the time in a room with very little interaction with any of her family.  Before they leave, she always manages to start her chaos and stomps off, with him in tow to the car for her exit. She has him and his family convinced that I am a mental case. I run a successful business and have for the last 16 years. I have had the support of great girlfriends who have seen her behavior first hand. But, it's getting harder, not easier, to talk to them about her when their children have come "into their own" and are responsible people. Most of the time now I don't want to discuss her.  She called me a couple of weeks ago and when I did not agree with her on something, she ranted at me for two hours on the phone. I did not lose it with her; tried to show empathy, and just told her truths calmly.  She got so into her ranting and the last thing she said was that she'd have to let me know when "she" decides if she has to permanently cut me out of her life; then, of course, hung up. Haven't heard from her since. And, I have to say, I'm happy that I'm not stressing about the prospects. Last time she ranted at me like this, she disappeared from my life for a whole year.  Things were good for awhile when we re-connected, but slowly went back to business as usual.

I'm done with the guilt trip. It lasted a good 32 plus years. I cannot remember when my DBPD was happy. or I was happy being around her.  I have no recollection of happy times with her anymore and that's sad.  Again, I'm marching on. Thanks for listening!

[qcarolr]

pfaye Hi!

Glad you found your way over to the 'supporting our kids with BPD' board. There are several parents that regularly post here with adult kids on this roller coaster ride. Have you checked out the first post on this board, What can a parent do? ? This helped me so much when it was me that was trying to go no contact/limited contact with my DD25 about 18 months ago. Things are still unsetteled, but going better. I too am trying to not get my expectations up too high - trying to take it a day at a time. The biggest difference right now is that even when the drama happens, we both seem to recover more quickly. And her life is hard - I try to find compassion for the very intense place she must find herself sometimes.

I am so sad for you in the loss of your little girl - and you have been grieving this for such a long time. She survives by splitting and projecting what is unmanageble for her - and as with many of we parents it is so often heaped upon the mom. Even if there is no contact for a period of time, we do love our DD's and cannot totally turn our hearts off to them. Such suffering this pain can cause us. Indeed it is so good to have this board to come to share, vent, be heard with any judgement.

I also can identify with the isolation that we put in place to protect ourselves with others that have more 'normal' parent/adult kid relationships. My dh and I have found we isolated ourselves so much from all our friends and family over the past 10 years - really since my DD25 was 15 also. Though she was always a difficult child to cope with. We are both making a very conscious effort to reconnect with others around us. It is hard, and sometimes kind of scary.

I have been working with Detachment with Love and Radical Acceptance along with the other DBT skills. It encompasses so much more that the S.E.T. skills of 'support, empathy, truth'. Only time will tell if the current improvement with DD will last through the inevitable chanllenges she faces in her life. Yet I feel stronger than I ever have - really in my whole life - and think I can better weather this storm. I want to encourage her to continue moving toward accepting and participating in a group at the mental health center - yet need to be so cautious to not overstep and push so she blames me for messing it up somehow and back away. Finding the balance between truly helping and enabling is still so hard for me to see.

I hope you keep coming back to share as you need to. You can click on 'new topic' also when you first come on this board. There are so many that can gain insight from your experiences, as well as give you support when you need it.

qcr        

[ems mother]

Hello pfaye

My d33 has been talking lately (to others, not to me) about wanting a baby.  She did try to tell a family member a year or so ago that I wanted a grandchild from her, but that family member had the sense to tell her to ask me outright if this was in fact true.  She never has asked me but has talked to several others about the idea of having a child.

The idea terrifies me!  And I imagine you must feel the same.

I too have gone through periods of being cut out by me d; however, she can't seem to get past a few weeks without trying to draw me in again. 

She has him and his family convinced that I am a mental case.

  Remind yourself, "that is their problem."  They may eventually come to understand this terrible illness, and no  one will thank you for telling them.  We may find some of them on this board later and will be able to empathize with them then.

run a successful business and have for the last 16 years. I have had the support of great girlfriends who have seen her behavior first hand. But, it's getting harder, not easier, to talk to them about her when their children have come "into their own" and are responsible people. Most of the time now I don't want to discuss her.

I too run my own business and have people asking me about d all the time.  I now just say that she's living in         and is doing ok.  As for their children's accomplishments, I can honestly feel joy in seeing  someone else's chicks successfully launched from the nest.  That being said, I have a lot more friends that have one or more children with spouses or significant others and children living with them.  So the grass is not always greener in someone else's pasture.

Please start your own thread on this board.  You fill find it tremendously unburdening and validating, especially when others can relate to your experiences.

qcarolr:  my apologies for hijacking  ;p

ems mother

[Haven2011]

Just wondering how others handle the silent treatment from their daughters whom they continue to support even though they have left home. We don't here much from her until we have messed up or she would appreciate some financial help!

Do you continue to send unanswered texts/emails or just try to disconnect and wait to hear from her?

Thanks for the support!

[qcarolr]

Just wondering how others handle the silent treatment from their daughters whom they continue to support even though they have left home. We don't here much from her until we have messed up or she would appreciate some financial help!

Do you continue to send unanswered texts/emails or just try to disconnect and wait to hear from her?

Thanks for the support!

Haven I encourage you to start your own thread with this topic - Silent Treatment and going low contact. There will probably a lot of parents that respond. It is so hard to let go of our kids that seem so needy - well they are needy in that moment. Yet, as I let go of my DD even though she was homeless and wanted to come back -- I can see now that it was the best thing to do. She is just starting to take some baby steps to accept some responsiblity for her life - for the pain and loss she has suffered - and for being out of our home except recently to visit her daughter. She has stopped accusing me of stealing her daugher, has worked throguh a denial period of withdrawing from gd5, and we have had several very good visits at the house without any drama when it is time to go. I do believe that none of this would have come about if we had continued allowing her outbursts to control our decisions willy-nilly while living in our home and doing whatever she wanted without regard for anyone else in the household. But oh, it was so so so so very hard to maintain this boundary.

I have learned to not reply to anything that feels abusive to me, even though I realize it is her projected overwhelming emotions - and perhaps how she survives an unbearable moment.  I try to not contact her when she withdraws from me - allow her the first contact. This is also very painful and difficult, but seems to be helping minimize middle of the night distress calls. When she needs something she will call. And then I can choose to say yes, that is something I can help with, or no that is not something I can help with right now.

We have limited our financial support - we are having to pay for daycare for gdp5 (we have custody without any child support) - to a cell phone, monthly buss pass, and purchase of some food and personal care items. DD lives on food stamps and a small cash stipend from the county social services adult needy disabled program -  currently $140/mo.  We are struggling with wanting to help her get off the street as she makes some better choices - and may figure out a way to contract with her to loan 3-6 months rent for a roommate situation with this to be repaid if/when she gets her SSI. It is under appeal for the past 2 years so hope to have final decision soon. And she may accept some help in getting a job with some coaching from voc rehab in our state, but has to wait out the SSI appeal for that.

It is all very complex. And the risks are high that things will deteriorate and we will lose our rent money - have to be willing to accept this risk before we move forward with this idea. And hard to find a place with rent that fits within the budget for us, and for DD when she gets her SSI.

Sorry I kind of stole your posted thoughts here. It is tough to set boundaries - if they fit your values than it is possible to enforce them as they are to take care of ourselves, not to get our kids to change. Though sometimes that happens as a 'side-effect'.

Hope to see you start your own post soon.

qcr

[dona]

Dear Now I know

YOu could have been talking about my daughter in your post... .I can relate to it all... My daughter seperated from her husband over 12 months ago and has been angry and non communicative with me since then as she of course blames me for the break up.  The fact that she was always angry at him and that no matter what he did he couldnt make her happy doesnt count at all.

I am getting therapy now as it has hurt me to the point that I got a nasty case of shingles... .I dont know if therapy is going to domuch for me though as my therapist is using the acceptance and commitment treatment... its like I have to shrug my shoulders at everything that happens and pretend I dont care because I cant do anything about it... .in reality this cant be the case.

Dona

[dona]

I was just wondering if there has been a book written that I could hand over to my daughter that will gently but clearly let her know that she suffers from BPD... .Its so hard to watch her suffer . The other day she broke down about her inabillity to hold a relationship. At that moment I wish I had a book I could have handed her so that she can find out what it is that wont let her be happy so that she can then at least get the right help in life... .I do want to see her happy.

She is seeing a therapist at the moment but I have so little faith in therapists nowadays... .  Therapy has become so "production line".

Dona